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  1. #61
    Sinthetiks1222 is offline Junior Member
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    Because this disease is Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful. I can't count the amount of "day ones" I had over the years before I got professional help. It's incredible. Try to figure out what caused you to go back out and deem to fix it this time. Myself and many others are living proof this can be done. I've said it a few times but freedom is priceless. Don't beat yourself up over a slip. We are addicts. We use. It's what we do. Our MO.

    You Can do it.

  2. #62
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    Jun 2017
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    Nomore it’s ok. It happens. Come on here and journal. Talking about it helps tremendously...to vent, to rant, to just talk. Let it out. I’ve slipped sooo many times. If it happens again (hopefully not) we fight and try to make it our
    last day 1. Don’t give up. Each time I did, I lasted longer and longer.
    You can do this ❤️

  3. #63
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Apr 2018
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    Hey, thanks for the responses and encouragement. This is not fun. I have so much remorse. Maybe all those feelings made me go back in the first place. It doesn’t take long to become accustomed to not feeling things. I’m plenty crazy with fierce emotions so I’ve never been fully numb, but number than this. It’s hard. I cried today. And then I cried again. Physically I’m ok. Mild nausea, slightly decreased appetite. But the guilt and sorrow and anxiety are in full swing. And, my word, how time drags. It had never stopped dragging. That’s a hard thing as well.

  4. #64
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    "but suddenly a tiny light seems to be peaking out from a distance. Quite tiny but present"

    You wrote that about 6 weeks ago so I know you know that it's your brain repairing itself. This amount of sorrow and anxiety is not the real you. The depending on a pill is not the real you. And the old you will come out but this time you'll be a thousand times stronger.

    The light does get brighter, the day does go by faster. The guilt and sorrow and anxiety go away....Sure it's as slow as a snail but it's gets better. I promise. I'm about 10 weeks in and I still feel all those ugly emotions but I find ways to get through. I'll plain the hour out. For example, I say to myself "from 5-6 make dinner clean up 6-8 watch a movie with my kid 8-9 read and play board games with my kid 9 to whenever o clock have me (and sometimes hubby) time. I kept doing that and before I knew it, I was already 6 weeks in. I wasn't happy or excited I was just calm...zen.

    I'm definitely not far in this journey to tell you more but I've relapsed sooo many times and each one got worse and worse. I don't know about you, but I can't take them getting worse and worse.

    Just know that I'm in your corner rooting for you. I come on this site about every other day so I'll be here waiting for an update. Talking (well typing) about this journey is so very helpful

  5. #65
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Apr 2018
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    Hey Forme. Wow, thank you for reminding me of my own words. I remember that feeling. I don’t know why I sabotaged it. Yesterday was terrible. My mood was as labile as it has ever been. I wanted nothing more than to crawl in hole and never come out. It was an ugly and awful side of me. This morning I’m depressed but I don’t feel as anxious as I did yesterday. We are going out of town this weekend. Being away from my triggers is beneficial even if I’m not particularly outgoing while we’re visiting people. I’m NOT going to get pills before we go. I am not even craving them, but I know the cravings will occur. It comes out of nowhere.
    I like your hour by hour planning. I’ve heard from a friend that’s how she did it. Hour by hour to start. And she’s on year 12 now. I can do that too. I desperately want to heal.
    Lvg nghtmare likes this.

  6. #66
    Sinthetiks1222 is offline Junior Member
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    Nov 2017
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    Sometimes it's minute by minute. I remember on the worst days of withdrawal having to take it almost one second at a time. It was good my job is so busy. It really is true they say staying busy helps. Time passes and your mind moves to other things.

  7. #67
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Apr 2018
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    I’ve been awake for 4.5 hours and not working. Although work is a trigger for me it keeps me busy. Strange thing that home isn’t a trigger but the boredom sets about and I really have to focus and refocus. I find I difficult to complete tasks but feel accomplished when I do. Ultimately I’m just fighting a mental battle, like last time. I’ll be heading out of town soon and will away from triggers as well as availability. Somehow that doesn’t make me nervous, at least not at this moment. Maybe Bc I’ve made it this far before. Maybe I’m too flat to feel much right now. Another day, let’s go.

  8. #68
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    I swear we can write the same exact posts. Work gives me cravings because I think pills gave me focus and motivation. At home, I would get soo bored and would need a little something to make it fun. If you read my whole thread I mentioned that a few times.

    I don't know if I asked you this before, but can you cut all ties from your dealer? Availablility will always get you in these crucial months. Although I didn't tell my doctor I'm an addict, I told her I no longer wanted opioids because I'm scared of addiction. But the doctor was really never my dealer...it was my mom (she had no clue). Once I told my mom EVERYTHING, she stopped getting them. The point is, (and I know u know this) cut off all supplies.

    I hope you get to relax a bit on your weekend getaway. Be sure to take your vitamins and Imodium (if you need, not sure what day you're on) and have a good time. The mind is a powerful thing....will it, and will come.
    ❤️

  9. #69
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Apr 2018
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    Hey ForMe! I haven’t read all of your posts, but I will. I know we have similar stories. How old are you? I’m in my 30s. Just curious.

    I’ve deleted the numbers, but I have one memorized. I don’t know how to unmemorize something, but not using the number will help...and I haven’t. But getting them out of my phone was a solid step.
    Yesterday and today have been decent days. Certainly not great, but manageable. I had a wonderful time seeing some family members, meeting new adopted family. It felt good to be sober. But the cravings still show up. They’re not all that intense, just kind of there for a short time. I’m dreading work, but I only have to work MTW this week. I’m so glad. Thanks for the support. I need it.

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