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Day 11, need encouragement
  1. #1
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Default Day 11, need encouragement

    Hi all, I have been reading in here for a couple weeks now and decided to post today as I need some encouragement to keep going. I have been on hydrocodone for a few years for pain. My pain is not something that is going to resolve itself and while it is legitimate pain, I am realizing that I don't face a very pleasant future on these meds. I have found myself becoming very addicted to them, beyond the benefits of the pain relief. They had pretty much become the first thing I thought of each morning and my life is being planned around when I will take my doses, even going so far as to cancel a vacation with my husband because of the dates my refills fell on.

    Anyway, I didn't refill when I ran out 12 days ago. So I am on day 11 without taking any. I was expecting to need to learn new ways to deal with my pain and I was expecting the physical symptoms from the withdrawal. What I wasn't prepared for was the horrible depression and anxiety. I almost decided to go back on them yesterday but I forced myself to put the call off until the doctors office was closed. Now I am fighting the same battle today. I have occasionally experienced depression in my life but nothing like this. I simply can't function. It is the most hopeless feeling I have ever had. I just can't find happiness in anything even though I actually have a great life. I cry every couple of hours and mostly just look forward to the next time I can be asleep. A couple times each night I wake up with severe anxiety, almost to the level of a panic attack. I am filled with a sense of doom, as if something really terrible is about to happen but its not. Life is good, I have a great family, I live in a safe area, nothing is wrong. But I feel like I have to get up and pace. I walk around the house with my heart racing, worried and scared. Then as I come back down from that I just feel overwhelming sadness and I just sit down and cry somewhere until I fall back asleep. Honestly, I don't know that I can do this. My pain issues are real and I can get a refill any time. I am trying to convince myself that it is worth it to go through this now to be free of the medication but I am starting to have doubts.

    The other issue is that I am facing a future with unresolved pain. I keep telling myself this is a chance to try some natural remedies and new things that aren't as addictive but with the mental state I am in it all just feels hopeless and overwhelming.

    I don't have anyone to talk to because even though my family is very supportive, I don't think they understand the mental addiction to the pain medication. They know I have had to take it and they know I have decided to stop taking it but I don't want to burden them with knowing that I am basically an addict at this point.

    Well it felt good to type all of that out. Would love encouragement to keep going. Especially from those who have made it through this stage or are going through it now. Because honestly I am holding on by a very thin thread at this point.

    Thanks, Krys
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  2. #2
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Stay strong I can now tell as I'm 50days drug free it does get easier day by day. Your doing awesome take it one day at a time.
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  3. #3
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Default thanks

    thanks nghtmare, I am hanging in there. just a couple more hours until the doctors office is closed for the day and then I will consider myself having officially made it through day 11.
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  4. #4
    DravenDomnq is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey, you're doing GREAT!! Everything you're experiencing is normal, and it does get better! Lvg nghtmare is completely right, just have to take it one day at a time! Just keep hanging on and taking it one day at a time!!
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  5. #5
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krysmith78 View Post
    Hi all, I have been reading in here for a couple weeks now and decided to post today as I need some encouragement to keep going. I have been on hydrocodone for a few years for pain. My pain is not something that is going to resolve itself and while it is legitimate pain, I am realizing that I don't face a very pleasant future on these meds. I have found myself becoming very addicted to them, beyond the benefits of the pain relief. They had pretty much become the first thing I thought of each morning and my life is being planned around when I will take my doses, even going so far as to cancel a vacation with my husband because of the dates my refills fell on.

    Anyway, I didn't refill when I ran out 12 days ago. So I am on day 11 without taking any. I was expecting to need to learn new ways to deal with my pain and I was expecting the physical symptoms from the withdrawal. What I wasn't prepared for was the horrible depression and anxiety. I almost decided to go back on them yesterday but I forced myself to put the call off until the doctors office was closed. Now I am fighting the same battle today. I have occasionally experienced depression in my life but nothing like this. I simply can't function. It is the most hopeless feeling I have ever had. I just can't find happiness in anything even though I actually have a great life. I cry every couple of hours and mostly just look forward to the next time I can be asleep. A couple times each night I wake up with severe anxiety, almost to the level of a panic attack. I am filled with a sense of doom, as if something really terrible is about to happen but its not. Life is good, I have a great family, I live in a safe area, nothing is wrong. But I feel like I have to get up and pace. I walk around the house with my heart racing, worried and scared. Then as I come back down from that I just feel overwhelming sadness and I just sit down and cry somewhere until I fall back asleep. Honestly, I don't know that I can do this. My pain issues are real and I can get a refill any time. I am trying to convince myself that it is worth it to go through this now to be free of the medication but I am starting to have doubts.

    The other issue is that I am facing a future with unresolved pain. I keep telling myself this is a chance to try some natural remedies and new things that aren't as addictive but with the mental state I am in it all just feels hopeless and overwhelming.

    I don't have anyone to talk to because even though my family is very supportive, I don't think they understand the mental addiction to the pain medication. They know I have had to take it and they know I have decided to stop taking it but I don't want to burden them with knowing that I am basically an addict at this point.

    Well it felt good to type all of that out. Would love encouragement to keep going. Especially from those who have made it through this stage or are going through it now. Because honestly I am holding on by a very thin thread at this point.

    Thanks, Krys
    Welcome to the forum. Stay strong and stay the course! I promise you that things will get better. I had horrible depression and anxiety when I got off oxy, it is completely normal and part of the detox/recovery process! The panic attacks and the impending doom, I had that too! It's scary, I know, it will pass! There is no telling how long it will last, maybe a couple weeks, maybe a month or two? Remember, it WILL get better!

    As far as the pain goes, you won't know what your accurate and true pain level is until you're off the opiates for a few months? Look up "opiate induced pain" and you'll understand what I'm talking about? Don't give up! Best of luck to you and keep us updated? God bless us all!
    DravenDomnq and Lvg nghtmare like this.

  6. #6
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Krys I hope today is alittle better for you. you will have good days and bad days.. Ricky is absolutely right it's all part of the process. It will pass in time as your body is healing itself. It's definitely a journey we are all going through. The first few weeks I went through my wds feeling no self worth, sad,mad,irritable that I had no purpose in life.. I had pushed away everyone and isolated myself. Finally I had had enough I quit cold turkey. As far as the pain I will have it the rest of my life..I'm relearning how to deal with that. From taking over 300 pills a month to now taking only naproxen I can tell you for me it works just as well as the opiates did. I take one day at a time.. Stay strong it will get easier...
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  7. #7
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Correction typo I'm now 41 days clean today.
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  8. #8
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks everyone! Still doing great! I just need to get through today and then I won't have any options but to make it until Monday and by then I will be over two weeks! I am just keeping my eye on the future but taking this process one day at a time.
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  9. #9
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi all. I have been posting on other threads in here but Ricky71 suggested I update this thread. I am sorry to say that I relapsed a few days before Christmas. I convinced myself that there was no way I could do Christmas with the kind of mental state I was in. And while there was probably some truth to that I am upset now because I have had to start all over and go through the physical symptoms all over again. So far they haven't been quite as intense. Possibly because I stayed at a lower dose and accidentally tapered a little. I wanted to force myself to only have enough to get through New Years so I only kept half my meds but then I realized I didn't want to be going through WDs on my sons birthday so I skipped a day here and there and took a smaller dose the day before I stopped. Maybe that is what has made the difference. Also, I started out taking things I knew would help me, before I had any symptoms, like imodium and advil. Anyway, all is going well I guess. My pain was bad today. And I am definitely having some of the same symptoms as before, sweats, headache, nausea, insomnia and anxiety. But so far not as severe as last time. Waiting to see how I feel in a few days. Last time the real bad depression/anxiety didn't hit until after the physical stuff was over.

    I hit 72 hours since my last dose while I typed this.

    Anyway, thanks for reading! Here's to hoping this is the last post of shame I have to make!
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  10. #10
    DravenDomnq is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey Krysmith, Don't think of it as a post of shame. Life happens, we deal with it, and we move on. First time I made the jump I made it 9 days, couldn't handle it, so went back on the meds, tapered down some more, then finally made the jump. It happens, and just have to deal with it and move on. Don't stress about the past, just work at moving forward like you're doing and stick with it. One day at a time! Hang in there, and have a GREAT night!!
    Rachelle1stbb and Krysmith78 like this.

  11. #11
    grandma -bk is offline Member
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    krys...can I ask how long you been doing opiods and what strenghth...

  12. #12
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    You're doing so good krysmith! You are so strong, to be able to tackle this evil monster again head on and now you are stronger and wiser because of what happened! You know more about your weaknesses and maybe that is helping you're wd's not be so intense. I hear you on the mental aspect. Like I have been posting about. I wish I had some advice for that because then Iwould know what to do to! I guess all I can say is keep posting here and I'll be with you every step of the way.

    I worry so much about what tomorrow will hold but funny story, I was watching "what about bob" last night with my boyfriend and the dr's book baby steps basically talks about tackling problems head on what step at a time. So don't look at things as getting through the whole day, just focus on getting through the first 10 minutes and then 30 minutes and so on. I know it's just movie but it really made sense to me, because it made me realize not to look at it as how am i gonna get through the next week? I instead tried to think okay let's just get through tonight and tomorrows a new day. and I really think that helped lastnight cuz if there was a time I wanted to cave it would have been then, so far anyways.

    Okay, keep on keeping on and don't beat yourself up! we are after all, only human!
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  13. #13
    Elcey is offline Member
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    Saying "hi" Krys and I hope you're hanging in there the last couple of days. I like your honesty that you were able to share what happened. I'm going to guess that 95% of us have had the same thing happen. I know I have numerous times, in fact monthly

    Stay tuned to one foot in front of the other, and keep posting. I'm only 2 weeks and am able to clearly remember the early days.
    Hugs, Elcey
    DravenDomnq likes this.

  14. #14
    DarthSater is offline Junior Member
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    I'm 40 days today myself off oxycodone. About 300mg per day for 5-6 years. Slowly built up to that. Took 20mg of Suboxone over 11 days or so slowing tapering. There were times I didn't think I'd make it. But now, I am here. Almost through. Still anxiety etc. but minor compared to how I was on day 5-12. Bottom line, if I can make it and I am such a wuss; everyone here can too. No cravings and having difficulty being happy and dealing with normal life situations. But that takes time. 6 weeks for me to feel almost 100%. That's about a week for every year an addict.

    You are not alone. This can be done. Much of the problems after first few days are mental and phychosomatic.

    Hang in there.
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  15. #15
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks for sharing your journey Darth. I am at day 12 now and feeling very clear headed. I forgot what it was like to feel this clear headed! I still have some low mood swings at times but they are the exception now, rather than the normal! I hope everyone else is doing well today too!
    DravenDomnq likes this.

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