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Day 6 off opiates, and who I want to be 5 years from now.
  1. #1
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Default Day 6 off opiates, and who I want to be 5 years from now.

    Hello!
    ...Right now I'm on day 6 of no opiates after a monthlong binge up to 180 hydrocodone a day. I'm sort of a periodic user. A month on, WD, a month clean, two months on, WD, two months clean, 3 weeks on... etc. Which makes it easy to say "I'm not a user. I'm not addicted," since after all, as the quippy addict saying goes: quitting is easy, I do it all the time. Of course, the gag is HOW IMPOSSIBLE IT FEELS TO QUIT. The longest I've ever been successful is 2 years, which was when I first told my wife because things had become very much out of control. I got on an antidepressant and trudged through WD and the emotional swamp therafter, and felt a lot better eventually. So I know it gets better.

    My question to you all is: what now? The physical symptoms are mostly gone. But from day 6 through... say, day 90... what are your ideas for how to find who I used to be? How to find happiness? How to change my worldview so I don't want pills? Cause otherwise, It's hard to imagine why I wouldn't slip up sometime in the future.

    In five years, I want to be clean. I want to be proud of all that I've accomplished. I know there will still be cravings. I know there will be hard days. There will probably be relapses, but what will matter in that case is choosing to get back on track. I want to be clean. I want to be sober. I'd like to post here to get encouragement and to give encouragement to others. I will try to stay active-- I see so many posts about people 3 days out, 6 days out... I want us to inspire each other to live our normal lives and be 5 years out. We can do it. We're all in this together, and helping each other might be the best way to stay clean. We're accountable again. Love to you all, and feel free to post in this thread if you're feeling down. xoxo

  2. #2
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    I feel empty. I don't want to feel like this right now. I want to take pills. I wish I had them. I haven't slept in a long time. I know I'm just craving right now and it will pass, but that doesn't make the craving less real so i decided I would sit here typing until the craving passes or my fingers fall off. I'm listening to some music, that helps a little, and already I can feel my heartrace-slowing down to normal. But ugh, I really really really really really dont like how boring life feels right now. It's just a craving. It's just a craving. This will pass. It will pass. This is just a craving. This is just a craving. This will pass. I will not stop typing until I feel like I have it goes away. Until then I will just type words words words words like a crazy person, oh man, if you're reading this, sorry! You might as well stop because it's just excercise for my fingers to keep them away from a phone where I'd text a dealer. okay Okay, OKAY, it's fading, it's going away. I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. I took a deep breath. I am slowing down my typing. This is better. Better. Okay. Thank you. This board just saved me.
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  3. #3
    offandclean is offline New Member
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    You gave me some wise words so it's my turn. Right where you are...day 6 I would stare at my bed side table where all my pill bottles use to be wishing they were still there. The cravings were intense. But now going on 4 weeks and it's so much better.
    I know you've read that exercise helps. I was too lazy to do it in those first days but now I'm doing it. Everyone really knows what they're talking about when they say it gets the endorphins going again. Remember WE have totally jacked up our bodies so it's going to take time. Get some sunshine every day!! Thanks for the encouragement and keep reaching out! We are here for one another!

  4. #4
    Wanna_b_done is offline Junior Member
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    Five...
    I just posted a rambling msg last night (or maybe today, not sure now), glad to see I'm not alone in that. This time the physical WD hasn't been bad, so WHY R THE CRAVINGS?! Seriously! I kept thinking in that once past the physical nightmare the cravings would lighten up.... however, its worse! What did we do to our brains??? Will there EVER b aday when we ddon't think about a stupid pill?! I just wanna have my old normal back!!!!!
    Ok, sorry, now I'm rambling on YOUR post!! Sorry sorry sorry!! What I meant is...... You're doin great !!! Keep going thru!

  5. #5
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks for the support everyone! I can't believe it's been A WEEK! Seven days! The itch to get more pills is definitely there but every hour it gets easier. Yesterday I had to give my wife my phone and computer to hold for an hour while I fought a craving and urges to call my dealer. I feel so lucky to have a supportive partner I can share this with-- while at the same time totally realize that she will not be there forever and any relapse could be the last one for our relationship!

    Any movie recommendations? Old or new? Ones to watch when you're feeling down?

    5Years
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  6. #6
    Hartty36 is offline Junior Member
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    Hey 5 How are you doing?

    Wondering if you have stayed away from the devil?

    I think we were about on the same track. Today is day 18 and not looking back.

  7. #7
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hartty36 View Post
    Hey 5 How are you doing?

    Wondering if you have stayed away from the devil?

    I think we were about on the same track. Today is day 18 and not looking back.
    Wow, my thread is SNOOOOOZERSSSSSS. I guess that's what happens when you buy 10 days worth of norco and disappear back into la la land. I'm coming out of it now, no bad WD just super sad feelings and cravings, and it's hard to fight the voice that's saying "Just five more days," because I could, couldn't I? Or... does 5 become 10 becomes 20, etc etc. That seems more likely. I wish I could fight this voice with logic but it's so unfair. Pills are just so NICE! All I want is for everythign to be easy and great all the time always, is that too much to ask? Apparently yes haha. Guess I gotta wake up feeling blue just like the rest of us. Join humanity. Anyway, sorry, I'm rambling to keep from texting my dealer and it's working. I'll call my therapist instead and make an appointment.

    Does anyone have any luck/happiness with NA? I went to a meeting and felt very out of place. YES, I know we all were kindred spirits and that was touching and beautiful, but we came from such different socioeconomic backgrounds that our worlds and reasons/experiences using were completely alien. Not sure what the best solution is.

    What are your long-term coping strategies, everyone?
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  8. #8
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Clawing my way forward one day at a time! It's been 6 days since any opiate. I thought a little adderall would help give me energy but that was dumb, only had to pay that back tenfold on thurs/fri, but pushed through. I really want to call and get more hydrocodone but I've been giving my phone to my wife to hold whenever I feel an intense craving. So far so good. Best to you all! 5 YEars.
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  9. #9
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by FiveYearsFromNow View Post
    Clawing my way forward one day at a time! It's been 6 days since any opiate. I thought a little adderall would help give me energy but that was dumb, only had to pay that back tenfold on thurs/fri, but pushed through. I really want to call and get more hydrocodone but I've been giving my phone to my wife to hold whenever I feel an intense craving. So far so good. Best to you all! 5 YEars.
    Hi!

    Congratulations for sticking with it. One thing that I have learned over the course of almost 20 years of active addiction and countless episodes of detoxing, I can honestly say that the absolute best way to do this is, is to weather the symptoms using only over the counter vitamins, nutritional supplements and time. Sobriety body and mind. If there were a quicker or easier way to get to where I am today (nearly 7 years clean), believe me I would have found it. At any price, I would have found it. I didn't. There really is no magic. It's the deep desire to dig out from underneath active addiction by allowing ourselves to heal. Healing takes time and it's hard! Obviously, I will also add that it is so well worth it.

    To answer your question about meetings: I'm sorry that you didn't have a good experience. It's not necessarily a fit on the first stop. Please try others. How ever many it takes to find one where you feel comfortable and don't stop finding new ones until you do find a fit. It does take some getting used to but keep an eye out for someone else who looks uncomfortable and strike up a conversation. You might be surprised.

    Good luck and keep strong.

    Peace,

    Cat

  10. #10
    mychoices123 is offline Junior Member
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    Amazing message. Feeling really horrid. I think when you become to gross to look at yourself, it's good that I work my way through, proud of every positive thought. But it's a hell like no other. When the desire goes and you feel nothing then everything body shakes you tend to easily forget the math won't change unless the problem does. Up until now I didn't care, then I just woke up knowing the truths of my situation. No work, comfort zones, counting waiting... Wanting to look five days from now five years seems grand
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  11. #11
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks gang, I'm back to day one, but this time bought lots of supplements and vitamins to help, and have an appoitment with psychiatrist to talk about the relapse and if there's ways to address the underlying symtoms/anxiety with SSRI and to get going in therapy/ NA to work on broken thoughts that lead me back this way. There's a Buddhist-based recovery place in LA that seems interesting.

    Any movies you all like to watch when you're feeling down and need some nostalgia/optimism?

    Thanks again for all your caring, thoughtfulness, and strength.

    5Years.

  12. #12
    Hartty36 is offline Junior Member
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    Hey 5.

    I had what I thought to be terrible anxiety for the last few years. I was on Zoloft for it for nearly 3 years. It got much, much worse through the first couple of weeks of the WD. After the nasty stages were done I took a >>>>>> and stopped taking the Zoloft and all other pills. I have found that nearly a month off of Zoloft and 6 weeks off of the norcos I have a much more natural and stable mind.

    Don't get me wrong there are still days that are much better than others but the mind can overcome it. You have to believe that and make it happen. It is a very liberating feeling to be 100% pill free. I am the farthest thing from a doctor and cannot say that my approach will work for everyone but In my case the norcos were causing 90% of the anxiety and I didn't know it.

    Hang in there. Be Strong. You can d this!!

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    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Day 1 again... AGAIN!
    I'm so embarrassed to be trying again like a failure, but I know that the day I don't post here is the day I've stopped trying to get better for real. So here I go again! Got a therapist appt today and will be leaving my phone away from me for as long as it takes as a precaution for not buying more.

  14. #14
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by FiveYearsFromNow View Post
    Day 1 again... AGAIN!
    I'm so embarrassed to be trying again like a failure, but I know that the day I don't post here is the day I've stopped trying to get better for real. So here I go again! Got a therapist appt today and will be leaving my phone away from me for as long as it takes as a precaution for not buying more.
    You gotta want this more than anything in the world, you can do it! You will do it! Make this your last day one! Best of luck to you... God bless us all!
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  15. #15
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ricky71 View Post
    You gotta want this more than anything in the world, you can do it! You will do it! Make this your last day one! Best of luck to you... God bless us all!
    Thanks Ricky! You too! Your words and kindness mean so much...

  16. #16
    Hartty36 is offline Junior Member
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    How are you doing 5? We kinda started this journey together and would love to hear form you.

    After the 5th or 6th effort I am now 2 months clean and really beginning to enjoy my life. I don't have to explain to you how hard it is but it is important that you know that when you get through the fog it truly is amazing.

    I hope everything is going good for you.

  17. #17
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hartty36 View Post
    How are you doing 5? We kinda started this journey together and would love to hear form you.

    After the 5th or 6th effort I am now 2 months clean and really beginning to enjoy my life. I don't have to explain to you how hard it is but it is important that you know that when you get through the fog it truly is amazing.

    I hope everything is going good for you.
    Yes, I feel like we're siblings on this journey. And it's so nice to have someone who knows what I'm going through. I've got tons of support from my family and it's been a struggle to get moving into sobriety, but I'm 2 days clean and I can FEEL it that this time it's different. I changed all my bank passwords and cut up cards, deleted paypal... I've taken so many little steps that I never did before to help get me through this early period where cravings can derail everything. I'm talking to addiction specialist leaving messages for her once a day. I'm finishing work up for the year... and most important I'm reading this book Mindfullness as a way through Depression. Its message really resonates with me, especially this notion of fighting a feeling, thinking, I SHOULD be happier, or I SHOULDN'T feel like this right now... that thought process sounds like it's at the root of why I use a lot of the time. So this feels different. I know I've had false starts, but here's hoping to join you on the path this time for good! xoxoxo thanks for the love.

    How are you doing? What's 2 months out feel like?

    5Years.

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    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    End of Day 3, still going...!

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    DravenDomnq is offline Advanced Member
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    Good for you! Finally caught up to your story, and have been in some really rough places as well. Tried to quit a few months ago but couldn't make it past day 9, so tapered down some more with other doctors and finally made the jump about 3 weeks ago. Hang in there, it will definitely get better and was so worth it for me at least. You're showing a lot more mental strength now too by eliminating your contacts which is so important. I had a doctors appointment I cancelled this time, would have been about day 9 again, and I highly doubt I would have been able to keep from going if I had kept it, so great job. Just hang in there, you're doing great!!

  20. #20
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by DravenDomnq View Post
    Good for you! Finally caught up to your story, and have been in some really rough places as well. Tried to quit a few months ago but couldn't make it past day 9, so tapered down some more with other doctors and finally made the jump about 3 weeks ago. Hang in there, it will definitely get better and was so worth it for me at least. You're showing a lot more mental strength now too by eliminating your contacts which is so important. I had a doctors appointment I cancelled this time, would have been about day 9 again, and I highly doubt I would have been able to keep from going if I had kept it, so great job. Just hang in there, you're doing great!!
    Thanks! Your words mean a lot, especially hearing that it took a few tries. I guess the trick is to stick with it. Now it's about trying to figure out how to make changes in real life and become okay with who I am, and knowing that there's a lot of emotional withdrawal to go through yet, so this feeling of sadness won't last forever, right?
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  21. #21
    DravenDomnq is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by FiveYearsFromNow View Post
    Thanks! Your words mean a lot, especially hearing that it took a few tries. I guess the trick is to stick with it. Now it's about trying to figure out how to make changes in real life and become okay with who I am, and knowing that there's a lot of emotional withdrawal to go through yet, so this feeling of sadness won't last forever, right?

    It's definitely something I have to work at all the time, and I still have good days and bad days. Few days ago was in a dark mental place, but today I have a lot more positivity and energy, just a little more pain in my body than normal. So it takes a while for everything to get adjusted. A lot of it depends on what you've done in the past too. For me I have years and years of use and abuse to get out of my system, so just have to hang on for the ride and take it one day at a time. Also make sure to take things at YOUR pace, not anybody else's. You're doing great, just have to keep hanging on!!

    One thing I did to make changes in my life is built in a little routine every time I would have taken a pill. When I took my first pill I now take my vitamins/supplements instead. 2nd pill, shower instead. 3rd pill, walk with or play with the dogs. etc.. etc.. It seems to be really helping and keeping my mind off the junk. I have to push myself a bit more than I wanted to through this jump, but have been able to hold on and stay positive for the past several days.

    Emotionally I'm still struggling with some of the stuff in the past, but know that will just take time to get over. I just focus on all the positives right now and will deal with each negative I have to in time and when I'm ready. Hope you are well, and I'll try to check in again when I can!
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  22. #22
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by DravenDomnq View Post
    One thing I did to make changes in my life is built in a little routine every time I would have taken a pill. When I took my first pill I now take my vitamins/supplements instead. 2nd pill, shower instead. 3rd pill, walk with or play with the dogs. etc.. etc.. It seems to be really helping and keeping my mind off the junk. I have to push myself a bit more than I wanted to through this jump, but have been able to hold on and stay positive for the past several days.
    THIS IS GENIUS. I did a similar thing with smoking cigarettes years ago, where I'd carry a few toothpicks when I went to a bar, and during the lulls when I'd usually go outside to smoke I'd just chew a toothpick at that time instead. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS FOR PILLS!? I can't thank you enough for this idea!!

    5years
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  23. #23
    DravenDomnq is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by FiveYearsFromNow View Post
    THIS IS GENIUS. I did a similar thing with smoking cigarettes years ago, where I'd carry a few toothpicks when I went to a bar, and during the lulls when I'd usually go outside to smoke I'd just chew a toothpick at that time instead. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS FOR PILLS!? I can't thank you enough for this idea!!

    5years
    I wouldn't call it genius, but has helped me a lot and glad you think it can help you too! I'm super big on planning, try to plan every single move, so it wall all part of the plan I've been working on the past year before I made the jump. I also need to use your idea for my smoking as well! I've cut it back during the tapers, and even more so during the jump, but really want that monkey off my back!! I've tried using gum and sunflower seeds in the past, so wanted to thank you for that reminder to start doing that again now with the smokes! Hope you have a great day today, and are well!!

  24. #24
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Red face

    Hey, just like the original thread, I'm back to being at Day 6 clean! Definitely gonna make it to Day 7!
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  25. #25
    DravenDomnq is offline Advanced Member
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    Good on you! Hope you're hanging in there!!

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    Hartty36 is offline Junior Member
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    Nicely done 5. It's a long road but I have to say life without is so great. You know the drill and all I can tell you is after nearly 10 weeks I feel great. There are definitely still triggers and days that are better than others but it is such a liberating feeling to know that you are back in control of your life.

    I had to keep telling myself (and still do occasionally) that I will not let a pill control my life and it let it destroy my family.

    Hang in there. We are in this together.

  27. #27
    ezjcisdone is offline New Member
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    I am new here, but read your posts and wanted to comment. I too have a great wife who is very understanding and supportive. I was on hydros 5/325 for about 2 years. Quit once for about two months, but my pain returned and went back to my pills. I was not a heavy user, probably about 10 of those pills a day every day. The physical stuff is the easy part for me when it comes to WDs, but it is the lack of enjoyment you feel after the pain. I am currently on day 6 or 150 hours to be exact. I am taking a vitamin b complex now with vitamin d and omega fish oil. The thing that really helps me with mood and energy is kratom tea. Not sure if you heard of this, but it may be helpful to get over those mood issues. It is like a magic bullet for me. I did my research on it first and you should too, don't just take a strangers word for it. It tastes horrible, but it works for about 4 to 5 hours for me and kicks in within 20 minutes or so. Kratom is a plant like marijuana, but it does not get you high. If you take too much you will vomit. The tea I find is best because you do not ingest all that plant matter once you strain it. I hope that helps.

  28. #28
    cari14 is offline New Member
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    Default Was off everything for 8+ years with the help of NA.

    Then went back after my Mom died in 2013. Today is Day 1. Again. I want my happy life back.

    Quote Originally Posted by FiveYearsFromNow View Post
    Wow, my thread is SNOOOOOZERSSSSSS. I guess that's what happens when you buy 10 days worth of norco and disappear back into la la land. I'm coming out of it now, no bad WD just super sad feelings and cravings, and it's hard to fight the voice that's saying "Just five more days," because I could, couldn't I? Or... does 5 become 10 becomes 20, etc etc. That seems more likely. I wish I could fight this voice with logic but it's so unfair. Pills are just so NICE! All I want is for everythign to be easy and great all the time always, is that too much to ask? Apparently yes haha. Guess I gotta wake up feeling blue just like the rest of us. Join humanity. Anyway, sorry, I'm rambling to keep from texting my dealer and it's working. I'll call my therapist instead and make an appointment.

    Does anyone have any luck/happiness with NA? I went to a meeting and felt very out of place. YES, I know we all were kindred spirits and that was touching and beautiful, but we came from such different socioeconomic backgrounds that our worlds and reasons/experiences using were completely alien. Not sure what the best solution is.

    What are your long-term coping strategies, everyone?

  29. #29
    Hartty36 is offline Junior Member
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    Where did you go 5?

  30. #30
    FiveYearsFromNow is offline Junior Member
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    Hi everyone! I just want to offer encouragement to anyone going through kicking addiction-- DON'T GIVE UP! As you can see from my thread, I had trouble quitting, and disappeared for a while using (escalating to Oxycodone)... but I'm now 2 weeks clean, going to therapy/NA, and feeling so much better. Family knows what's going on, no more secrets. My point is that I tried to quit for MONTHS. Don't get discouraged! If you only make it a few days, don't just say screw it and give up. Take what you have to, but try again! I'll check back in later, but just didn't want to be one of those sad threads where the person disappears.

    xoxoxoxox,
    5Years

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