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Decade long addiction to Norco
  1. #1
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    Default Decade long addiction to Norco

    I was in a terrible car accident years ago. I broke my neck, back, compound left leg, nose, teeth...etc. I was on various pain meds for months including methadone, morphine and Norco. I didn't have any issues stopping the meds then.
    Few years after, my big sister passed away. She'd ODed on "H". She was by no means a "junkie", but a desperate mother of 2 trying in her own way to bring her family back together. ("H" is what the "father" was doing). She only did it for a few months before she detoxed on her own, at home, alone. When I'd found her she was nearly dead from the severe dehydration. I took her to the hospital that night. She refuse ALL medical help with the exception of IV fluids. She told me she needed to feel this pain to never do it again. She succeeded!
    Two months later, she relapsed once. It was a "bad batch" that claimed nearly a dozen lives. My sister being one of them. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever endured. I remembered how I yelled at her for doing something so stupid and risking having her 2 beautiful children taken away. I was so uneducated then, I only wish I knew then what I know now.
    A few months after her death I had my wisdom teeth cut out. I was again prescribed pain meds. Only this time, I found that they made me feel better. Physically, mentally, emotionally...I didn't feel any pain from my teeth, my loss or my memories.
    I've been taking pain pills for a decade now. I was up to 12-14 a day. Yes, I am the official "hypocrite" and believe me, it haunts me everyday of my life.
    I have a husband, 4 children and helping raise my sister's 2 children. Constantly running short on pills, scraping money we don't have to cover the gaps....constantly regretting MY mistake and weakness for these meds. I was terrified to stop. Fearing what would happen if I didn't take them, yet fearing daily what would happen if I continued to take them. It's a vicious cycle of mental and physical torture.
    Last week I couldn't take the guilt anymore. I stopped completely on Wed. I now have FIVE days under my belt and the only thing I keep thinking now is "what was I so afraid of and why didn't I do this 10 years ago?"
    It wasn't fun, but I've defiantly felt much worse pain than this. It's "uncomfortable and annoying". The insomnia and RLS is by far the worst of it.
    I pray that the worst isn't yet to come, but I hope that my "little story" can help someone take that leap and take back control of their lives. I'm here if anyone wants or needs to talk about opiates, their control and their destruction.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-15-2014 at 10:15 AM.

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    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    wow, bad timing.....

    I can really relate to the guilt thing. That haunted me when I was trapped in that vicious circle. But, it's been a little over a year now, and the freedom of not being a slave to pills is....awesome!

    I don't think anything worse is coming. That RLS and sleep are usually why people go back, cause it is irritating and one pill would stop it, but then the circle starts again, and faster.

    I failed 3 times........but finally took control in my mind!!!!! That made a huge difference.....keep up the good work.....you really should start feeling better and better each day

    And how sad about your sister.....I'm so sorry.

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    Thank you! I will NOT take another pill. .. and I know you know how great it feels to say that.
    I actually had a week and a half supply left when I stopped. I don't know what snapped in that moment that I made the decision, but I poured milk into my pill bottle and threw it away. Pills controlled EVERY aspect of my life. I changed as a mom, a wife, a daughter and every single day I lived worn the shaming guilt that I was doing exactly what I was so upset at my sister for. And even worse, possibly subjecting my family to a repeat in history with the amounts I was taking. I don't care if I never sleep soundly again. I just keep repeating to myself "is rather be tired than dead." "I'm sure my kids and family would rather have me tired and crabby than dead"
    I was just wondering if the worst was yet to come
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    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    This is true BT. Your story is an inspiring one and it motivates me to keep on moving forward. From all the research I have done and every post I have read on this site, I think you are in the clear (physically that is). Now the mental fight begins. You are much further ahead than me. I am unsure as to whether or not to refill my script and continue with a slow taper or just take the plunge from 55mgs. If I request any days off, my wife will expect me to keep the kids at home and I would hate to take the withdraw out on them
    Silver had a good point when he said that it depends on my lifestyle. I was not the type to take a pill and stay at home all day. I feel as though the pills put me in a better mood and we usually take the kids out for the day or even travel. This summer we took a trip out to Mexico and I ran out of my hydro while I was down there (with 3 days left in the trip). I was in paradise and couldn't enjoy it because of these stupid pills! My wife and kids were having a blast and enjoying every minute of it, while I felt terrible inside! That's when I became angry at myself and the pills. The old me would have made the most of a trip like that (enjoying drinks like my wife was, dancing, swimming and just taking advantage of being in paradise). Instead, I was focused on how I felt I hate being in this dungeon! I am now going through this every time I run short on my meds. I want to be done!

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    Over the last 10 years I've hidden the "real" truth behind my sister's death. (She was only 34 years old when she past) I spent the better half of a decade "numbing" myself with these pills, being mad at the world, giving up my faith in God because he took her from me for NO reason!! I finally realized, in my faith, that my sister may NOT have been taken home for no reason. Maybe God's plan was BIGGER than I could've ever imagined in my small and selfish mind. Her death could save SO many others!! My children, my communities children, YOU...ME?
    The pills start to wear off...soon you're not "numb" anymore. You just want to feel "normal" again, but there's not enough pills in the world to make you feel that way.
    I started to see that my big sister, who I once judged, thought was weak and asked "why would you do this and risk losing your children?" was actually thee STRONGEST person I know that I will ever have the privilege of meeting in my life. I seen what she went through physical, mentally, emotionally...it was hard, but she did it and did it on her own.
    Last Wednesday I thought to myself, "do this for her, for my children, my husband, my parents that have already had to bury a child. Going OFF pills won't kill you....staying on them, will". It wasn't easy, but I can honestly tell you that it's doable and soooo worth it!
    You're right, now the mental fight begins and to be honest, it makes the "physical" part of this feel like a dream (to me). I've buried soooo much hurt, anger, fear, guilt and a thousand other emotions over the last 10 years that I know have to face. It does hurt, but I have always told my kids "if you didn't know what bad felt like, you wouldn't appreciate what good feels like". And I'd rather feel the pain than nothing at all.
    You can do this!! JUMP!! I PROMISE that just days from now....you'll look back and shake your head thinking "how the heck can ONE white pill have so much power over me"?
    I will continue my fight with my emotions...I'll deal with the occasional goose bumps, running nose, RLS, insomnia for as long as it takes to just FEEL again

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    Quote Originally Posted by LookinAhead View Post
    This is true BT. Your story is an inspiring one and it motivates me to keep on moving forward. From all the research I have done and every post I have read on this site, I think you are in the clear (physically that is). Now the mental fight begins. You are much further ahead than me. I am unsure as to whether or not to refill my script and continue with a slow taper or just take the plunge from 55mgs. If I request any days off, my wife will expect me to keep the kids at home and I would hate to take the withdraw out on them
    Silver had a good point when he said that it depends on my lifestyle. I was not the type to take a pill and stay at home all day. I feel as though the pills put me in a better mood and we usually take the kids out for the day or even travel. This summer we took a trip out to Mexico and I ran out of my hydro while I was down there (with 3 days left in the trip). I was in paradise and couldn't enjoy it because of these stupid pills! My wife and kids were having a blast and enjoying every minute of it, while I felt terrible inside! That's when I became angry at myself and the pills. The old me would have made the most of a trip like that (enjoying drinks like my wife was, dancing, swimming and just taking advantage of being in paradise). Instead, I was focused on how I felt I hate being in this dungeon! I am now going through this every time I run short on my meds. I want to be done!
    I wouldn't refill the script...I took my last one the 5 nights ago. I went, stocked up on everything + that I might need over the next few days for symptoms. I can help you with a list if you need. There will always be a reason to wait...this I DO know. You have the best reason not to..."I WANT TO BE DONE".
    You can do this and I will help you in anyway that I can.
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    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Wow both of your stories are so powerful. I can relate to you both on different levels. Bad timing I can relate to covering emotions and pain with pills. I've done it for so long. I think I use them to mask my loneliness and anxiety. I also use them to mask the pain of a bad relationship with my dad and how much hurt he has continued to cause me over the years. I've used pills to mask the pain after the death of someone who I was very close to, someone who was like a second mother to me, who had the most beautiful, loving spirit and who was taken from the world far, far too early. I have used the pills to mask every day upsets like getting into an argument with my husband or even just having a bad day. I know what you mean when you say that you have fear of leaving your children motherless because when I lay in bed, high as kite, I worry I won't wake up in the morning.
    Lookin I hear you on letting the pills steal enjoyment out of life because you are out. It's such a shame. I've been there and experienced that. I am also with you on using the pills and still continuing to be a parent. I never go out and party, I stay home with my kids and when I take the pills I feel like a super parent. Let's go to the park! Clean the house! Delicious dinner cooked! Play dates and more. But then when you are out of pills you feel as low as possible. The pills take your life and show you who's boss. And our kids shouldn't have to see the side of us. Shouldn't have to live with a parent who is on the roller coaster that we are on. I have these thoughts constantly. Now it's just finding the strength and power to take back control. I really hope I am strong enough
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    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Bad timing have you canceled scripts at the pharmacy? Just curious because I know what kind of willpower and dedication that takes to do but I don't know if I have it in me right now.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anj14 View Post
    Bad timing have you canceled scripts at the pharmacy? Just curious because I know what kind of willpower and dedication that takes to do but I don't know if I have it in me right now.
    Anj,
    I soaked a good week and a halves worth of norco in milk last week lol. It felt GREAT to do it. I don't have to cancel anything because I don't have refills. I'd have to go back into the Dr and have absolutely no desire to do so. I don't know that I'd be tempted by them. ..I almost fell like I HATE them that much. Crazy how fast it turned from love. Although this had been building for a decade now. I'm only sorry I didn't do it sooner

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    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Anj,
    We really do have sooo much in common! I still haven't taken another dose. This time yesterday, I would have already taken 3 pills. I have only taken 1 today at 8am. I just become really agitated with every little thing. I am at home with my lil one right now. He is sitting next to me on the floor pretending to type on an old keyboard we have lying around (hahaha, wish y'all could see him). This should be precious one on one time, but all I am thinking about is pills! I have been a strong dedicated person my entire life and I dont know how I allowed this to take control of me! I know sleep isn't going to come easy tonight, but I think I am ready. I will probably be a zombie at work tomorrow, but I am ready. I am the same Anj, I never leave my kids with a sitter to go out and party. I am a family man, but I become so agitated when I run out.
    BT, I am really thinking of taking your advise and taking the plunge. I went out and purchased lots of bananas, a multi vitamin, Vitamin B-complex, Highlands restless leg, immodium and some fruits and greens. I only hesitate because I cant be useless at work tomorrow. My grandmother also passed 12 years ago and she was my second mother. She lived her life but it doesn't make me NOT miss her. I cant imagine what you two go through losing a loved one EARLY.

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    Lookin ahead,

    I'm so happy for you and I know that you'll make it through this. It's completely normal to be scared, nervous etc...but I PROMISE you that it is NOTHING like what you've imagined in your mind!! I couldn't believe that it was as "easy" as it was. I don't mean that it was really "easy", but it was nothing like I'd imagined. It was annoying, but most of all it was the anticipating "what's going to come next?" That "something" never came. It was "flu like" that's it! Our children go through THAT yearly LOL.
    You may also want to pick up some "Dayquil" and "Nyquil". They also helped me with the sneezing, runny nose. On day 5, take some L-tyrosine with your B6 to help with energy and reproduction of natural energy. Keep Advil handy for aches...but honestly, that's it and it all works. I know it sounds like a lot, but something to treat the symptoms that are left in the wake of these lil devil pills is ok

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    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Haven't taken another BT. How are you feeling?

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    That's great, good job!
    I'm feeling tired. Just worn out. I can't seem to keep up with the kids, house and all that fun stuff. My mind wants to but my body just hasn't fully recovered yet. Ugh
    I wish my husband would be more patient with this

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    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Is your husband fully aware of what is going on, bad timing? How long did it take you to stop feeling sick? I actually went to the store and stocked up on some items also. Couldn't find the L-tyrosine though. I did grab some of the hylands restful leg which I am praying works tonight because I had it horribly last night, except in my arms not my legs. I am actually surprised by how well I am feeling now. My energy is soooo much better than it was yesterday. I managed to keep up with the kids and even go to the store, make dinner and get the kids bathed and to bed, also picked up around the house a little. We played in the backyard for awhile and the fresh air was so nice.

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    Yes he's completely aware of everything. We've fought about my addiction over the last decade and with the exception of this evening he's been pretty amazing.
    My argument was always "I'm legitimately prescribed them". Which I was. .. On top of my accident (5 broken vertebra, neck and back, leg etc) I was diagnosed with MS, scoliosis, degenerative disk disease. .. The list is long.
    I suffer for extreme fatigue linked to my MS and my legs often hurt. It's just worse this week because of the RLS, detox, PMS (lol probably the worst timing), I also gave up caffine and smoking. I didn't plan it this way, it just happened.
    I didn't get "sick" with my withdrawals. Shockingly. I had terrible anxiety, sweats, chills, sneezing, running nose, insomnia BIG TIME, RLS in legs and arms. .. The arms surprised me. I think my body is just really sore n weak right now and being that I am obviously not talking anything other than Advil for pain. .. Today I'm loafing.
    I think yesterday was pretty good for me. I think I over did it though. I went grocery shopping and my 3 youngest had basketball abd baseball games. 4 total so I was gone and running for 5 hours just with that. Then I really only slept for about 4 hours. .. Broken sleep. So I think I totally paid the price physically today.
    I know that he doesn't mean to be short, I don't even think he realizes he's coming of that way most of the time but right now I'm super sensitive and emotional. Getting a rush of emotions I've numbed over the last 10 years. It's hard. But it's great. ... I'll always say, "you'd never know what Good things felt like if you didn't feel the bag things." It's better than feeling nothing at all. It's just another adjustment, but we've been through worse that's for sure
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-15-2014 at 08:54 PM. Reason: misspelling

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    ***was supposed to say PMS.... Not OMG***
    Haha... Not so smart phone

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    melindau is offline Member
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    wow bt.... you are a bad A$$... you are one strong lady... you have been thru so much and are coming out of this like a trooper... you go girl!
    Melinda

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    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Wow BT! I can't believe you did so much with the little energy you had! Takes a strong person to come through like that. I will be off to work shortly and also have to coach a baseball game after Pretty nervous about that! Keep me posted on your progress and I'll do the same.

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    Quote Originally Posted by melindau View Post
    wow bt.... you are a bad A$$... you are one strong lady... you have been thru so much and are coming out of this like a trooper... you go girl!
    Melinda

    Thank you Melinda, but in all honesty, I don't feel like a bad a$$ at all. I gave up everything at once because the guilt was just too much to bear anymore. I'd acted horribly to my sister when I initially found out what she was doing. I said horrible things and judged her. Things I never got a chance to say I'm sorry for, although I know she knew I loved her more than anything, I wasn't home the night she ODed. We were out for our anniversary and I found out early the next morning when my husband and I got back home. I was in shock. I then had to drive 100 miles to my parents house to tell them...that their daughter died that morning. Alone on the bathroom floor like some horrible Hollywood movie. My niece and nephew were already staying with my parents at that time, so I had to listen to the blood curdling cries of a 6 and 9 year old screaming "NOOOO not my mommy"!!
    My goodness, this rush of feeling and memories makes me feel even worse for doing exactly what I so harshly judged my sister for..."numbing the pain". I just wish I could go back. I just want to hear her laugh one more time.
    Everything I've given up this week...I still feel like an a$$hole and not even strong enough to stand in her shadow. She was one amazingly strong and loving person that paid the ultimate price. My family continues to pay the price of her early demise to this day. My niece and nephew, now 19 and 16 are a train wreck. Everything's spiraled out of control and my family is almost unrecognizable. My nephew in jail for the last 7 months awaiting sentencing for prison...11-38 years (for non violent crime) and my niece in and out of behavioral health facilities for the last 2 years. In a sense...we're losing all we had left of my sister.
    With all that said (and much more I won't bore you with), how could I do this to myself??? How could I have been soooo stupid, selfish, hypocritical, dishonest, cold...I couldn't be more ashamed of myself and I deserve MUCH worse that I'm feeling right now. This pain could continue till the day I take my last breathe and I don't think it'll be as much as I deserve. My sister, she didn't deserve what happened to her...

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    Quote Originally Posted by LookinAhead View Post
    Wow BT! I can't believe you did so much with the little energy you had! Takes a strong person to come through like that. I will be off to work shortly and also have to coach a baseball game after Pretty nervous about that! Keep me posted on your progress and I'll do the same.
    I couldn't believe it either. The physical part (for me anyway) is much easier to push through than the emotional. Staying OUTSIDE, busy and with children...keeping your mind busy is the BEST thing. You're doing great and will do just fine after work too!! Enjoy the game!! I LOVE watching my kids play...it warms my heart and lifts my spirits...it'll do the same for you
    Please keep me posted!

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    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Bt,

    You are helping others right now.....with your story. Don't be overcome with guilt. Guilt can cripple our minds.

    At least, you can now understand what a hold the drugs had on your sister, and once you are stronger and of clear mind.....you can begin to tackle some of those spiraled out of control problems.

    For now, focus on getting yourself better.
    melindau likes this.

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    Anj14 is offline Member
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    BT you are an inspiration and so strong. I know the guilt you carry on your shoulders is a heavy burden but I'm hoping that somewhere along this journey you will be able to forgive yourself. I'm so hopeful for you and your family that you will be able to do just that. You deserve to live free from the sadness and guilt you have carried for so many years. Focus on the good things you are doing today. Try to find ways to turn your negative thinking around, I know that it can seem nearly impossible and it's something that I struggle with, but I know that once you can master that skill you will find so much more happiness and that will in turn make your family happier and you all very much deserve that.

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    Anj14 is offline Member
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    BT you are an inspiration and so strong. I know the guilt you carry on your shoulders is a heavy burden but I'm hoping that somewhere along this journey you will be able to forgive yourself. I'm so hopeful for you and your family that you will be able to do just that. You deserve to live free from the sadness and guilt you have carried for so many years. Focus on the good things you are doing today. Try to find ways to turn your negative thinking around, I know that it can seem nearly impossible and it's something that I struggle with, but I know that once you can master that skill you will find so much more happiness and that will in turn make your family happier and you all very much deserve that.

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    Thank you for all the kind words. I hope you're right and I find peace once again...Only this time I do it the right way and not with a pill.
    I have got to feel the bad to feel the good right?
    Iluv2smile likes this.

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    melindau is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by bad timing-need help View Post
    Thank you Melinda, but in all honesty, I don't feel like a bad a$$ at all. I gave up everything at once because the guilt was just too much to bear anymore. I'd acted horribly to my sister when I initially found out what she was doing. I said horrible things and judged her. Things I never got a chance to say I'm sorry for, although I know she knew I loved her more than anything, I wasn't home the night she ODed. We were out for our anniversary and I found out early the next morning when my husband and I got back home. I was in shock. I then had to drive 100 miles to my parents house to tell them...that their daughter died that morning. Alone on the bathroom floor like some horrible Hollywood movie. My niece and nephew were already staying with my parents at that time, so I had to listen to the blood curdling cries of a 6 and 9 year old screaming "NOOOO not my mommy"!!
    My goodness, this rush of feeling and memories makes me feel even worse for doing exactly what I so harshly judged my sister for..."numbing the pain". I just wish I could go back. I just want to hear her laugh one more time.
    Everything I've given up this week...I still feel like an a$$hole and not even strong enough to stand in her shadow. She was one amazingly strong and loving person that paid the ultimate price. My family continues to pay the price of her early demise to this day. My niece and nephew, now 19 and 16 are a train wreck. Everything's spiraled out of control and my family is almost unrecognizable. My nephew in jail for the last 7 months awaiting sentencing for prison...11-38 years (for non violent crime) and my niece in and out of behavioral health facilities for the last 2 years. In a sense...we're losing all we had left of my sister.
    With all that said (and much more I won't bore you with), how could I do this to myself??? How could I have been soooo stupid, selfish, hypocritical, dishonest, cold...I couldn't be more ashamed of myself and I deserve MUCH worse that I'm feeling right now. This pain could continue till the day I take my last breathe and I don't think it'll be as much as I deserve. My sister, she didn't deserve what happened to her...
    Im so sorry that happened to you...all I can say about that is sometimes I think we were put here on this earth to find compassion for others and sometimes we learn the hard way! My Brother died of hep C about 10 years ago and I wish I had that time over to say things I never got to say to him also...but I know he knows that stuff the same as your sister does...his wife just died a couple weeks ago and left there children alone although there are older..it is still very sad... keep doing what you are doing Im sure your sister is out there cheering you on!!!!
    Melinda
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    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Bt....

    Why aren't you posting on here? I think I saw something on another thread from you. Day 10?

    How are you doing?

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    Quote Originally Posted by silverlining1 View Post
    Bt....

    Why aren't you posting on here? I think I saw something on another thread from you. Day 10?

    How are you doing?
    Silver,
    I did post on another thread. I was just giving some words of encouragement to someone.
    Yes, day 10 for me. I've been pretty down. Physically and causing emotionally. I haven't been getting much relief from the insomnia and lack of energy. I just said yesterday that I didn't know if I could take this much longer. I don't want pills, but I'm so tired of feeling this way!
    Until this evening when my family started complaining about feeling like blah, sneezing, coughing. ..I finally realized I've been EXTREMELY unfortunate to contact the worst cold in years and is not only detox!
    I know it sounds terrible that I'm happy they're sick, but made me stronger that it's gong to get better. I hope.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-21-2014 at 10:11 PM. Reason: misspelt
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    Anj14 is offline Member
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    BT how are you doing? Is your cold getting any better? I hope you are feeling better.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anj14 View Post
    BT how are you doing? Is your cold getting any better? I hope you are feeling better.
    I'm feeling just a little better Thank you. It's over two weeks with this horrible cold/infection, detox symptoms, insomnia, anxiety, depression, RLS etc. My life and family, and house have suffered quite a bit unfortunately. I don't know if this will hurt me, but I took a half an adderall this morning to light a fire under my rump. It's not strong and only took half. I was pretty productive, but I feel horribly guilty even though I didn't have an addiction to adderall. Ugh. Am I am idiot? ?

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    Anj14 is offline Member
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    You are doing so awesome! Keep up the good work! I had a cold (and so did my children) while I was in detox too and it was extra miserable. I am sorry that you are dealing with so many negative feelings right now. I can relate. I actually went to the doctor this week and got a prescription for Ativan due to my high anxiety levels. I haven't taken it yet because, unfortunately, I did end up refilling my norco. I'm sure I will need the Ativan very soon though. I don't think its bad that you took half an adderall but I have heard that some people might trade addictions so you definitely want to watch for that. I truly hope that things start to look up for you soon! You are so strong and amazing!

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