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Determined to help my loved one
  1. #1
    determinedtohelp is offline New Member
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    Apr 2016
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    Default Determined to help my loved one

    Hi,

    I'm new here and am seeking help and support in helping my loved one (boyfriend) quit his addiction. I will try to make my story as short as possible.

    We have been together for 2 years, living together for 1. Upon meeting him I didn't really know he had a drug problem. I suspected, after hanging out with him and some of our friends once, but didn't want to jump to conclusions. After dating for about a month I started to realize that he did in fact have a drug problem, but it didn't seem as bad, he would snort a Percocet maybe once or twice a week and I just assumed it wouldn't get bad. The reason I thought this is because, I don't do drugs, I know nothing about drugs and didn't even know, until I met him, that you could be addicted to something like Percocet.

    After a year of dating, we decided to move in together. I didn't realize how bad his addiction was until I moved in with him. I noticed that little by little he would do more and more, he would do them everyday and then multiple times a day. There was a time he decided to stop, he was clean for about a month and this made me so happy because he was trying Well his friends are also addicts and they would go over and hang out with him, and do drugs in front of him, eventually he caved and ended up doing them again. It made me so angry that his friends were not supportive of him stopping and they would go to our house and do drugs in front of him making it hard for him to resist

    I ended up telling him that I didn't like his friends going over because of that reason, but it was like he didn't care at all what I had to say. So this continued, I would notice he would do about 2 or 3 10mg a day, then I started seeing him go in the bathroom more and more often. He would spend most of his day in the bathroom doing drugs. Together we have 4 children, 2 are his 2 are mine. He only has his on the weekend so it bothers me that he spends so much time doing drugs instead of spending time with us. He would come home from work and go straight to bathroom. Last year in December I finally had enough, I told him I needed him to quit because I loved him and I knew this wasn't good for him. He would say he would and never did it. So I decided I would leave, he convinced me not to and promised he would quit come the new year, it would be his new year resolution. On January 1st, first thing in the morning, he was up and in the bathroom doing drugs.

    Then, he ended up losing his job because he would stay up all night so he fell asleep at work. After he lost his job, he would do them all day, starting from when he woke up. He would spend his day with his friend driving around getting drugs for themselves. Eventually I told him I didn't like that, but he didn't really seem to care. He started looking for a job and decided to get clean so he would be able to pass a drug test. After a week of being clean, in which he went through withdrawal and I tried my best to help by buying him teas so he would be able to sleep, I would ask him if he felt urges to do them and he would reply by saying "Not anymore." So I thought to myself, good, we're in the clear. I was so happy and trying my best to keep him busy and off of the drugs. We were going through a good period in our relationship, he ended up getting a really good job and he passed the drug test so I was very very happy. He texted me that day to give me the good news, I was at work, so I had him pick me up for lunch. When I got in the car I noticed something a little off about him, I can always tell when he's high for some reason. I asked him if he was high and he said no, so I tried my best not to doubt him. After work I got home and his friend was there at the house, they were getting ready to go to a narcotic anonymous meeting because they had been going to those. I went in to the bathroom and right when I walked in I saw some white residue on the counter, I felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces. I texted him to please come into to the room and asked him why he lied to me about not being high, he said he didn't know what I was talking about so I showed him what was on the counter. He continued to say it wasn't his, but this is our bathroom in our bedroom so I knew it was his.

    I was very upset and wanted to leave, he left to his meeting with his friend so he could give me some space. When he came back he told me he really loved me and didn't want me to leave, that he needed help, but at this point after so many lies my trust was broken. We went on a family vacation to Disneyland and I asked to please stay clean so we could all enjoy or family vacation, and he did, for five days he was clean and we all had a great time, but as soon as we got back within the hour he was already high.

    This whole making promises and me wanting to leave goes back and forth for a while, he tells me he wants to quit, I don't believe him, he stays clean for 2-3 days and goes back to this same routine. I would ask him why he would lie to me and would say because he was embarrassed, but I can always tell when he's high so it was hard for him not to get caught in the lie. After a while of assuring me he will quit and not doing it, he started to tell me that he really needed help, that he wanted to try. I feel bad at this point because I wasn't very supportive, I would just shut him down and didn't even have hope anymore because of all the lies and broken promises. It started getting to the point where he gets high in the morning for work and all afternoon after work until bed time. I couldn't take any more of this and I told him I couldn't stay strong anymore, I myself suffer from anxiety and stress, so all this is starting to weigh on me.

    After thinking for a long time on whether I should just give up and leave, I decided I wouldn't, I couldn't, because even when I'm gone I'm thinking about him all day long. So I decided to look for help on how to cope with this and how I can do my part in helping and I came across this forum. I don't understand what he's going through with this and with his withdrawals, but I do know they are bad. He doesn't understand what I go through, how I get sad because I care about him, but I do know he needs my help and support to successfully accomplish this. He decided this week that he was going to stop cold turkey, and I told him I was here to support him and apologized for being so negative about it before, I just didn't understand it and didn't know how to deal with it. I know his addiction doesn't just affect him but all of us around him and he understands that now as well. He needs my support and I need support in going through this with him as well. I know what his withdrawals will look like, but I also wonder, what else can I do to support him and keep him strong? What will help with his withdrawals that I can do for him so he knows I'm in this 100%?

    I asked him if he really wanted to quit and he said yes, he said he wanted to do it because he doesn't want this drug controlling him, he wants to be able to feel good for himself and not because the drug is making him feel good. I told him he needs to do it for him and that I wanted to support him all the way through.

    Today he has been clean for 24 hours and is telling me he feels down. I told him it might withdrawal, I feel frustrated that I can't be there to help him because we are both at work. I did ask him again if he really wanted to quit or if he just stayed clean because he didn't have any pills available and he said if he wanted to he could have gotten some yesterday, but he didn't.

    Sorry this was so long, any advice you guys may have will be of great help.

  2. #2
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Determinedtohelp
    While you are determined, your friend is not. You can not make an addict stop. They stop when they've had enough. Not before. Shelter your children from his drug behavior. They might accidentally ingest some of the powder residue he leaves in the bathroom.
    Sorry that there is no formula for you to end his addiction. It is a private hell that flows out and destroys everything around it. Unless your friend seriously makes an effort to quit, you and your children are in for quite a bumpy ride. I know, you love him. What kind of memories are you both creating for the children while you wait for him to grow up, stop riding around with his buddies looking for drugs, and act like an adult father?
    Whatever happens, this is not your fault. But it is your job to protect the kids. They remember stuff...
    On a lighter note, we each have to save our own life. Save yours.

  3. #3
    determinedtohelp is offline New Member
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    Hi Ming23,

    Thank you for your response. I completely understand what you are saying. I feel very down and upset today because after him telling me the whole week that Thursday would be his "day 1" and after me talking to him yesterday and asking him if he was sure and him telling me, yes, he wanted to quit for himself, so he wouldn't feel controlled by this drug anymore, today definitely wasn't his day 1. He woke up and did some pills. I can always tell, even through him texting me, maybe because I know him so well, but I asked him how could this possibly be his day 1 when he was already high and he hasn't responded. I come to realize that he doesn't want to quit yet. This makes him happy, and he isn't ready to give up what makes him happy. It really upsets me because he completely convinced me that he was ready to quit and I was ready to help him in whatever way I could. Even if it ment staying up with him all night and going to work the next day.

    I guess as of today there isn't anything I can do anymore. He is an adult and has complete control of his life and I can't do anything about him getting pills. From now on I will have to worry only about myself and my children and get myself out of this vicious cycle where he promises me he will stop only to have me stay and keep me happy for a bit and goes right back to it. I hope one day he is ready to stop, even if I am no longer there to support him.
    Ming23 likes this.

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