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Detox in full force, need help
  1. #271
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I just read this on a web page pic somewhere. It appropriateness to my wknd made me laugh so I figured I would share, just in case anyone else could reAlte or laugh about it too:

    The first step towards forgiveness is sometimes just realizing that the other person is totally bat-s#!t crazy!


  2. #272
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    It is funny..but even funnier is that instead of throwing the q-tip away that time because I was too busy day dreaming of eating the q-tip I saw it the next day...same thing....it was thrown away at that point... That made my day us being so much alike. We could never go out for a qucik lunch because we would be there for hours swapping stories. I think in reality we have way more in common than pills. .
    I think maybe one day, once this is all a distant memory for us, we should just coincidentally plan one of our much deserved vacations at the same spot. I feel more connected to you than any face to face friend I have had in along time. Seriously. There have always been secrets or shame. But I feel so safe and open telling you about my entire life. I have always believed in fate, to at least some degree, although most "scientists" would probably disagree. I truly feel in my heart things happen for a reason that we cannot always control, and sometimes I feel as close to you as a sister.I think about you always, and am always trying to send good happy vibes in your directions, wherever that may be.

    You being around last night when I needed to release those feelings, those stories, without fear of being judged, you served as more than therapy for me. I released it all to you, instead of keeping it bottled in or taking it out on my loved ones.And I know you understand. I can't thank you enough for being exactly the kind of support I have needed at every step along this battle. Love you sunshine. I hope you have had a sunny, productive, and progressive day!!!! xoxo
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  3. #273
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Mommy you know I am not in a good state of mind at the moment. Now I am in almost tears over your post. That meant so much to me!!!!!! I feel like I can tell you anything sometimes there is stuff I want to tell you but not everyone else. Other times I really wish I coukd speak to you in an email. I was thinking on the same line. I don't consider you my posting buddy but like a BFF'S or sister...lord only knows you are way more support than her.

    I am so glad you had a good day!! I could feel all the love in your post. I think this might be the first step into healing and letting go for the two of you. My mom says stuff that gets on my last nerves when I was speaking to her but that's how she is and you have to let in one ear and out the other. Accept it as part of who she is and let it go. Somethings you can't change in people so you have to look at the good in people and hopefully the good outweighs the bad. If it does than they can be someone you can have in your life if the bad outweighs the good then they are not healthy for you.
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  4. #274
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    I almost forgot.....I was thinking about you and had to write about what happened. The store I shop at you can never go without seeing someone you know, unless you are dressed nice and your makeup is on....which doesn't happen often. I ran into an old neighbor that doesn't live next to me anymore someone you say hi to and act like everything is wonderful. He was asking about how my house was since the fire and I startled rambling on then anxiety kicked in big time from the rambling. I got to the car and had to laugh because you would post how in your lectures you were rambling on. I understand!!!!
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  5. #275
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    Mommy you know I am not in a good state of mind at the moment. Now I am in almost tears over your post. That meant so much to me!!!!!! I feel like I can tell you anything sometimes there is stuff I want to tell you but not everyone else. Other times I really wish I coukd speak to you in an email. I was thinking on the same line. I don't consider you my posting buddy but like a BFF'S or sister...lord only knows you are way more support than her.

    I am so glad you had a good day!! I could feel all the love in your post. I think this might be the first step into healing and letting go for the two of you. My mom says stuff that gets on my last nerves when I was speaking to her but that's how she is and you have to let in one ear and out the other. Accept it as part of who she is and let it go. Somethings you can't change in people so you have to look at the good in people and hopefully the good outweighs the bad. If it does than they can be someone you can have in your life if the bad outweighs the good then they are not healthy for you.
    Ah, I didn't mean to get all emotional and sentimental on you. Just lots of emotions flowing this weekend anyway, and you really helped me keep the peace around here.It has been a good weekend. I feel like the bigger person because I am not letting the slightly petty comments get to me. I am actually controlling my moods, I didn't know I could do that anymore really. I may not et be able to convince myself to be happy, but at least it shows some glimmer of mind power that wasn't there before. If we can do THIS,we can do ANYTHING. And I really do feel like we've been doing it hand in hand the whole time.

    Sorry that you got to be on the receiving the end of my emotional flood! But it's all a bunch of love &grateful emotion at least! I appreciate you and count on you very much!

  6. #276
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    I almost forgot.....I was thinking about you and had to write about what happened. The store I shop at you can never go without seeing someone you know, unless you are dressed nice and your makeup is on....which doesn't happen often. I ran into an old neighbor that doesn't live next to me anymore someone you say hi to and act like everything is wonderful. He was asking about how my house was since the fire and I startled rambling on then anxiety kicked in big time from the rambling. I got to the car and had to laugh because you would post how in your lectures you were rambling on. I understand!!!!
    I know the feeling exactly! I'll be talking, what kinda feels like normal to me, and then if the thought that I am different now than the last time I talked to that class/person, if it even crosses my mind, I go blank and start sounding like my brain just took a time out, at the worst possible moment.

  7. #277
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    It was a good....the kind of teary eye you get from the sweet commercial. I was so touched by your post it meant so much to me. Your my rock!!!! If not for you and dave I question if I would have made it this far. I am so proud of you for making this a perfect weekend. We talked about having that one good day to give us a glimmer to know that it gets better and you did it! I am so proud of you!!
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  8. #278
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Had it not been for having this outlet, to get the thoughts out last night, knowing you were listening, it would have made it so much harder to focus on what really matters. She is my mom. She never promised to be perfect, just to love me. And she does. Sometimes, life just happens, surprises you, and makes your view of things offset. I can't fault her for being human, heck, I've definitely made some bad choices, and I know that holding resentment is only going to eat me up in the long run. It was you telling me to take the higher road that helped me be strong. It has really been a mentally productive weekend for me. Motivation still at max 50/50..... but I feel more at peace. You are my therapist, sunshine!

    Looks like we are in for another sunny day tomorrow. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. Maybe these tides will turn soon.....for all of us. Sending you all my love & good vibes. I am feeling happy and strong tonight.
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  9. #279
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Great Job Mommy and Sunshine......Pulling each other through the Day!! Sounds like YOU both had a pretty Good day.....Keep those spirits High....and Keep counting those Days...Farther and Farther away from that One Time Only.......Day #1.....Hope You both Have an awesome Sunday too....with a li'l .."Sunshine"....I'm pretty beat....went to an NA meeting tonight....and was out Late.....for this Old Guy.....So...Check in with you ALL tomorrow....And leave you with a fitting quote...Stay Strong You Two!!..Unconditional Love...Give of yourself without conditions...and create a deeper connection with others! Love is a spiritual fuel--it's what gives us energy and direction and makes life worth Living! When we Love unconditionally, we experience peace, joy, self-acceptance, and connection. As we work giving unconditional love, we experience Love in Return from All different aspects of our Life!! To learn to love unconditionally means we need to let go of ALL expectations of getting something back, and love for the sake of loving...and Not because we have needs that Must be filled!!..xoxo
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-25-2015 at 03:12 AM. Reason: spelling error
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  10. #280
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Let's hope for a good day!!! Sun is shining so the odds are in our favor. Going to try and get a few things done today and go for a nice walk. Have a great day.

    Dave I live by unconditional love. If you give and do for the sake of giving you get so much back in return. Mommy you are correct everyone is human accept people for the good and the faults as no one is perfect and we are all entitled to mistakes. Knowing that some people are who they are and won't change allows you to deal with it better. It make me feel good that some how thru the dark days of this there is some positive in this. Strangers coming together, bonding, and helping each other out. So much better than taking on this burden alone.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-25-2015 at 10:34 AM. Reason: Typo
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  11. #281
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Today will be a good day! I automatically start out better when I wake to the sun. I did enough exercise and getting around yesterday that I'm actually a little sore today..... it was probably trying to drag the 3 yr old AND the bike around the walking track at the park, since the whole concept of pedaling is over her head right now, lol. But it was fun, and this time, I'm telling myself that the soreness doesn't make me want a pill to make it go away, but instead looking at it as growing back those muscles I have lost. I can't wait to get outside for some more!

    Mom is leaving today! Bittersweet feelings this time, when normally I would be elated that this day had come, lol. We have had a good weekend together, fun breakfast, fun time at the park, and fun time at dinner (took my mom for real, authentic Thai food for the first time (for her).... it was definitely an experience we will laugh over for a while, lol). Today feels like a huge weight has been lifted, because I really think I made leaps and bounds of progress in the love and forgiveness department. I'm not fooling myself though! Just to be set up for disappointment when the next "weighted down" day comes. I know the ups and downs will still come. Just appreciating this as a little success, no a pretty BIG one actually. Mending relationships will in turn help to mend me. And this was one relationship in my life that definitely needed some TLC.

    Kiddo is really sad her NiNi is leaving. That breaks my heart, but makes my heart smile at the same time. I passed along the love feelings, instead of the stress and worry and frustration that I usually feel when mom is around. So it appears that maybe I am stronger WITHOUT the crutch than I ever was with it. Whoever would have thought THAT??
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-25-2015 at 11:05 AM. Reason: typo
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  12. #282
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    The fact it is bitter sweet is a very good thing. You are healing and that is huge step. You now have ne beat by miles!!!!! Keep going but please just turn around and keep an eye on me
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  13. #283
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I just looked at my clean counter for the first time this weekend. Only 4 more days & I can technically count one MONTH. Omgoodness. Although 50 percent of the time i have felt so far from progressing...... The days have ticked on by. I am a different person than I was 26 days ago. Can't say comfortable just yet, but ........... Proud, heck yes. Never thought I had it in me.
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  14. #284
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    The fact it is bitter sweet is a very good thing. You are healing and that is huge step. You now have ne beat by miles!!!!! Keep going but please just turn around and keep an eye on me
    Well, mending one relationship is really just the beginning for me, too Sunshine. I have lots more mending to do. But seeing the strength in me to make progress with at least one of them, it is encouraging.Couldn't have made this a good weekend with mom, without YOUR HELP. No words thank you enough for helping me find peace during those moments I was really struggling to take the high road.

    No doubt, I'm not fooling myself into thinking there won't be more ups and downs.... if nothing else, we are experienced enough at this game by now. But day by day, we are adding time to the counter. Just appreciating every UP I can find! xoxoxoxoxox
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  15. #285
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Congrats on your almost 30 days. I will be here with you to celebrate in four days!!! This was huge step with your mom and it was very healing and brings peace. You should be giving yourself a big pat on the back. Thank you for saying I helped you but really I just responded to your post you did all the work you took the higher road. Yes this was an up and yes there will be more things to conquer but now you know you have it in you to do it. You have pulled that strength out and now know how to use it without any help from a pill. Just like a TITAN, the TITAN you are!!!!! Xoxox
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-25-2015 at 10:00 PM. Reason: Typo
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  16. #286
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Yes, the strength may have been in me, but I never would have believed it or given myself the chance to prove it if it were not for the support from you and the others on these boards.
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  17. #287
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    YES.....Congrats on almost 30 Days.....WOW.....You two really are kicking it in the rear!! Nice job getting through another week....Good days....Bad days....but together....YOU TWO are Much Stronger!! And the support of the others as well....This site is Really a Life saver.....I thought that way back....And think it even more today!! I posted More on Sunshine's thread tonight...But it's for Both of YOU two TITAN's!! Stay Strong Mommy.xo
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  18. #288
    momneedshelp7 is offline Member
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    Hi sad mommy and sunshine. I just wanted to post quickly and say your thread has been so inspiring to me. The bond you two have created is immeasurable. Congrats on almost 30 days! I hope to be in your shoes one day and I also hope to find a buddy to taper off the sub with me. Your thread Proves the importance of love and acceptance and unconditional support
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  19. #289
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Mommy have a good day!!! Sun went away at least it waited until after night fall before the rain set in yesterday. I have few things that need to be done so will be forced to get out and around today regardless if it is cloudy or not. Going to go for my morning walk although I don't really feel like it.
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  20. #290
    rainbowpoots is offline Member
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    Hey everyone I have been reading threw this for a little while and just wanted to say you give me so much positive energy and thoughts. I've relapsed after being clean a month. Let me tell you its day 3 and so much worse this time around... stay strong! I'm having a horrible time my 3yr old and my mother who was helping me is now sick. I just wanted to say one is to many. I thought >> be fine having 1 and it lead me back into full blown addiction Again. I used for a month and a half during my relapse and I swear its way worse from that then it was the first time I stopped after 2 years! I do not have another detox in me!
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  21. #291
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Rainbow I so appreciate the post for us. It helps me to know how easily it is to be back at square one with one little mistake and to stay strong even when you don't want to anymore. I am so sorry everyone is sick does not make things any easier. Stay strong and you will be picking up where you left off. Glad we are helping others!!! It's good to know of all the positive that being clean can bring to others.
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  22. #292
    rainbowpoots is offline Member
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    Yes it helps immensely to know its not just a battle of mine but others are battling too! To read success and people pushing threw. I honestly didn't think 1 would take me down again but I felt so good... then came i was taking more and more. And getting lazy not wanting to do anything... getting angry at everything. I knew when that hit and my bank statement was low that it was a issue again. I didn't even realize a month and a half went by... I honestly didn't think I would feel this terrible after a month but wow... I really cannot do this anymore. I dont want them to feel normal and I'm so tired of feeling bad
    but after a few days the pain should stop and then I will want to move and hopefully fly by a month without using like it did when I was... I've been clean before I can again and pray for the strength not to even think about it one second.
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  23. #293
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    I cant believe its almost 30 days already .....im sure it was the toughest 30 days of your life.....but u did it!! Your an amazing person and I cant wait to see what you can accomplish being sober.
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  24. #294
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Momsneedhelp thank you for the post. Sorry I missed earlier been allot of posting here today. Mommy has not checked and will be very busy when she sees. Lol....the teacher will have homework as she will want to respond to all. Please keep searching for a taper buddy having a senior member to help guide you is so important but having someone going thru the same thing at the same time is invaluable. Mommy has been my life support!!! Not only great to have to share the lows but to celebrate the highs!!! Mommy and I have come to find out we have so much more in common than pills.....lol.....we both love the sun!!!!!! Stay strong you will be there soon!!! Xoxo
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  25. #295
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Heeeey! I am here! I have not disappeared. I left my phone at home today, in the mad dash to get animals fed, kid fed, kid dressed, and then also somehow take care of myself. We were running late and I left my LIFELINE to the support I so desperately needed today! I never log in from my work computer.... kinda scary all the things they will try to track..... so I only check in from work through my phone! I'm sorry, sunshine for not being here to post you a good day until now! I have been thinking about you all day though!

    It was definitely a Monday to top all Mondays. There were several people I literally wanted to throat chop today. Such whining, over nothing, just wanted to tell them off honestly. Like "hey, dude... so you have to walk across campus to sign a form? and really you are all upset bc of THAT?" Just one of those days, I guess. Everybody was in a pissy mood. It took everything I had to keep my patience high and my sarcastic comments low. I only told one person to get over it. So, I guess it was a success that I kept the physical throat chops to myself, lol.

    It started out cold and gloomy, but the sun came out after lunch, which lifted my spirits a little bit. I have not gotten any real exercise in yet, though I have been "feeding myself like the machine I want to become". My smoothie making skills are improving rapidly (still neglecting that secret ingredient ) Just lots of protein and good nutrients. I have my first appointment with the friend/personal trainer at a local gym tonight. They are going to let me try a month for free. I hope I can go there on MWF and weekends (the days my workloads are a bit lighter), then just do the fitness class at school on TTH (bc those are my long work days and can barely get all chores in on those days anyway). There is a daycare at the gym, so as long as kiddo takes okay to hanging out there for a but, I might actually be able to make this work. Where there is a will, there is a way! And I am ready to turn myself into a natural endorphin making machine! Jumping in head first.

    Setting goals and keeping them. That's what it's all about. My first goal was just to stay clean (and near 30 days is definitely reaching a milestone for me.... we are almost there Sunshines!). Of course that will be a continuous goal, but now that I am feeling a bit stronger, it's time to get proactive bout this. A machine I will become. (not a body builder, lol, just an endorphin maker )

    Going to get a few chores done before my appointment, then to see how good my muscles really are. They will probably laugh at me. I will be back soon to check in more with everyone, and I promise I will respond more to each of you then. I can't thank everyone enough for the positive comments. For all of you who wrote to me new today, I just have to say the relationships you make here and infinitely important to your recovery. Every clean survivor of this disease swears by exercise, so whether you are already counting clean days, tapering, or planning your jump, get moving. It helps. Promise. Although tomorrow my muscles will probably be telling me different. to post back soon.

  26. #296
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Thank goodness you are back in the Internet world. I would only use my phone at work as well. I knew something was going on as you usually check in. When I can't check in its because I am either out or my 11 year old is in my iPad business (like yesterday). Something's she doesn't need to know.

    I was so happy when I checked the board this morn....Jaa is back and even better staying strong!!! Praying is back as well and back on the wagon. Lol....There was allot going on the one day you leave your phone at home. Glad the sun came out as well. Got a half walk in it was cold and my walking partner bailed. Other than that it was my usual blaahhh and anxiety day.

    My son got his psat summary he tested better than 80% of sophomores in reading, 82% in writing and 68% in math (with out a calculator that he forgot).

    Glad you got the personal trainer. Don't over do it last thing you want is an injury.
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  27. #297
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Awesome job he did on those scores! I know you are proud of him. Imagine how good he would have done in the math if he had a calculator! No doubt it would have been over 80%, I bet.

    You are right there was a lot going on here today! Figures! Most days I am sitting here stalking you, just waiting for someone new to respond to, lol. The one day I leave my phone, all the action starts up! I'm trying to find Jaa and praying for updates. Crazy that I literally only go a half day without being able to check in and I feel so behind, like my lifeline got temporarily cut off. But no worries, I am back, drinking my protein shake and trying to enjoy what is left of the evening. I feel pretty sure I'll barely be able to move tomorrow.... but I did keep up with the pregnant girl

  28. #298
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by momneedshelp7 View Post
    Hi sad mommy and sunshine. I just wanted to post quickly and say your thread has been so inspiring to me. The bond you two have created is immeasurable. Congrats on almost 30 days! I hope to be in your shoes one day and I also hope to find a buddy to taper off the sub with me. Your thread Proves the importance of love and acceptance and unconditional support
    Thank you, Mom! I have said it before, and I'll say it again: never, ever would I have believed in myself had it not been for the people on these boards who said I could do it. The support system here has kept me accountable, but through that determination to not "let others down", I've realized that I am capable of a lot more than I ever thought. I would never even have been brave enough to set a date had it not been for reading these forums months before I quit. I have gotten so much support, love, and GOOD ADVICE here. No doubt it is the only reason I am still standing. It's still not a cake walk by any means, But when I feel weak, I can come here to remember why I am still fighting at least. Glad to see you are still around and progressing with your taper!
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  29. #299
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by DDAVE45 View Post
    I cant believe its almost 30 days already .....im sure it was the toughest 30 days of your life.....but u did it!! Your an amazing person and I cant wait to see what you can accomplish being sober.
    I know, I know!...... near one MONTH....... can you believe it? Seriously, a few months ago, if someone had told me I could go this long without a pill, I probably would have..... well, I was going to say laughed....but actually I probably would have gotten all ticked off and defensive and mean over this someone telling me that. The Jekyll & Hyde like person I was mood wise, that's the person that ruled by days. I wouldn't have laughed..... I hardly ever laughed. Now, even though probably 50%of the time I still feel kinda lousy and stressed out, I do laugh more now. And I look people in the eyes, didn;t realize I had not been really doing that anymore, until now. I was ashamed of myself for so long. So even the lazy, anxious, blah feeling, it's almost better than the shame. Least now I'm trying to do something about it. Amazing thing....this approaching clarity. THANK YOU DAVE. From Day 1, I have listened to every single word you said.
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  30. #300
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainbowpoots View Post
    Hey everyone I have been reading threw this for a little while and just wanted to say you give me so much positive energy and thoughts. I've relapsed after being clean a month. Let me tell you its day 3 and so much worse this time around... stay strong! I'm having a horrible time my 3yr old and my mother who was helping me is now sick. I just wanted to say one is to many. I thought >> be fine having 1 and it lead me back into full blown addiction Again. I used for a month and a half during my relapse and I swear its way worse from that then it was the first time I stopped after 2 years! I do not have another detox in me!
    Thanks for writing Rainbow. There was something fateful about my ending up here when I did. Just as there was something fateful about sunshine maintaining her taper for so long. We have to see life as more powerful than just our conscious decisions. Maybe there was a reason you needed to experience that relapse, maybe you still had more to learn and experience from this battle. My point is just that there is no use beating yourself up or regretting the relapse at this point. What has happened, has already happened, and THAT part you cannot control. What you can control is what happens from now. Learn from your mistakes....that makes them lessons, which are a normal way of gaining wisdom, rather than mistakes that we will feel guilty or regretful about. This whole experience for me has been nothing but a vicious battle of ups and downs, but the friends I have here on these boards have helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if I can't quite reach it yet. Where there is a will, there is a way. I hope you continue to post and keep up with us!!!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-26-2015 at 10:19 PM. Reason: typos

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