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Detox in full force, need help
  1. #361
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by kathycz View Post
    I can't Thank You to both enough! I really need the emotional support right now!
    Well, those are a couple of things I know for certain..... we are definitely emotional..... and we are definitely supportive..... so it sounds like you already fit right in!

  2. #362
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Okay. So, feeling disappointed that 30, 31, 32 whatever, whatever whatever, number of days..... it all seems unimaginable at this point. Fighting with hubs bc he wants to go out and "celebrate" my milestone, and he doesn't get why I don;t feel much like celebrating the first one month of my lifelong sentence. (Honestly, I think he just wants a reason to go back to that Thai restaurant we took mm to last wknd) Anyway..... stressful to the max. He just doesn't get why I'm not excited.....and I can't explain it to him, because I don't effin know why!

    Sorry for all the gloom and doom. But that's what's goin' down.

    Working out today I had my itunes on shuffle, and one song played that hit me in kinda the right way for how I am feeling at this moment. Florence and the Machine, Dog Days are Over.I think it could be interpreted in a whole lotta different ways, but I found it to be a bit uplifting, considering present state of mind. Now that I am actually LISTENING to songs again, just sharing the ones I find to be meaningful!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-30-2015 at 07:40 PM. Reason: typo

  3. #363
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Mommy we are back on sync. I understand not wanting to celebrate. Why would anyone to celebrate the month we had......oh wait a sec.....let's celebrate the fact that we get to do this again for another month and another. At the improvement rate I am going aafter one month good god......I can't even see the future.

    Dave and mommy you will understand not on the count but I want to go back to day 1 and 2 of my jump. I yearn for it. Maybe not today but when my pain is doing better. Going to talk to hubby about it.
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  4. #364
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Don't worry mommy I will be back to complain in a little bit. Oh did I tell you I have to have Steak 'n Shake for dinner. Ok I am about to be sick from it.....I can't eat that junk........it's my sons bd and that's what he wants. Ogggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

  5. #365
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    Don't worry mommy I will be back to complain in a little bit. Oh did I tell you I have to have Steak 'n Shake for dinner. Ok I am about to be sick from it.....I can't eat that junk........it's my sons bd and that's what he wants. Ogggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
    Oh girl, steak and shake would ill me right now. If I were to introduce any true "grease" into my system right now, I think my stomach would explode! lol...... take some tums. Maybe that will help?

    We have the opposite end of the spectrum wth hubs though. Yours says, give in, just take one. Mine says, I have access to ALL of the and you are cut off, my dear. Even though I WANT to be cut off and this was my choice, I sure as heck don't want him tellin me that, AND wanting me to go celebrating! humph humph humph!

  6. #366
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    stalking you now....can't stand to face anyone in my house except the furkids! Somebody.... anybody... stop judging me! If I don't know what is best for me...... how can someone else expect to???

  7. #367
    JulieInWonderland is offline New Member
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    Hello Sadmommy13,
    I've read the most recent page(s) of this thread, and I am overjoyed that you are taking this important step in your life. If you keep the course — which you most certainly CAN do — you will soon see your life in 3 phases: Before the addiction..., While I was in the throes of my addiction..., and now/post-addiction.

    I've taken Rx pain meds since I was 12 yrs old — with the commencement of Migraine Headaches — and I'm 40 now. Soon to follow was the pain of Endometriosis...

    Several years later, I started experiencing neck/shoulder/back/knee pain from 8+ auto accidents in 10 years. All but 2 were MY fault; Most likely due to the pain meds in my system at the time.

    I was never addicted to anything *until* my second year at university. I found that the pills I'd been taking for years, were soooo much 'better' if I took 2x as much, follow by 3x, 4x and so forth... Yet, I could see they were NOT better once I stepped away and gazed upon my addiction from the lofty place of sobriety.

    I finally found a pain med for which I do NOT lust/hunger. I only take them because of *true* Cronic Pain, but hate taking addictive meds – Period. I'm always on the lookout for signs of abusive behavior within myself. Additionally, I see a PMD that watches me closely, because the very first bit of info I gave him was: "I AM an addict. Please help me remove the pain w/o my addictive behavior kicking in."

    My journey has been long and difficult with a great deal of sadness and anger. Sadness because I lost/wasted a huge number of years; Anger (towards myself) because *I* am the only person who caused this mess of/in my life.

    I'd like to join this thread.. if you're okay with that.
    ~ JIW
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  8. #368
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Wow Julie....I shouldn't speak for Mommy....But I'm sure she wouldn't mind You joining Her thread....although....Starting your own....sometime ....when Your up to it would be Very Helpful to You as well!! I don't know for sure if I understand from Your post above.....How Long have YOU been Clean?? Or are YOU clean Now?? Sounded Like You are..?? Anyway, welcome to this wonderful Place....Lots of Great people Here...like MOMMY and SUNSHINE!! They are right in the middle of the fight for freedom!! Any kind of support or Hope....or advice....would certainly be appreciated I'm sure!!
    So MOMMY....I'm sorry for the Hubby thing....Just remember that HE really doesn't understand.....Just doesn't GET IT!! I know it's still HARD....But YOU are STRONG....Stronger than EVEN YOU think!! Don't think of what your doing as a sentence......YOU are breaking FREE from something that has had your Soul for YEARS!! Believe ME...YOU and SUNSHINE have accomplished a Great Feat...Something that Many can't EVER DO!! Getting that first 30 Days Is HARD.....REALLY HARD!!! Don't think it's gonna keep being that hard.....it WILL get Easier.....I PROMISE!! Stay Strong TITANS!! ..Resilience...Anyone who has faced personal tragedy in his or her life knows how difficult the road to "normal" can be!! This is also true for anyone who is struggling to achieve and/or maintain their Recovery!! Life in Recovery can mean overcoming one challenge after another!!........This Is Hard MOMMY....Nobody said it wouldn't be......YOU have to REALLY want it....I think You and SUNSHINE DO....So.....Keep fighting the Fight....For YOU....ME....and other reading along....xoxo
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  9. #369
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    We're fighting Dave were fighting. Staying strong!!! Then staying even stronger!!! We are girls it's best to chit chat and complain. Sorry mommy I had a hard time getting back on last night 11 year old wanted to snuggle and I gave up on the day and went to sleep. Sister in law here until tomorrow but will try and pop in given the chances.

    Dave go mighty Seahawks!!!! almost time to win a game day and a half away!!
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  10. #370
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I'm trying to wake up on the right side of the bed today. I did the same last night Sunshine. After my chocolate and almond binge, I just curled up next to kiddo and we watched Cinderella. Hubs slept on the couch. I know its not his fault for not understanding, but sometimes I wish I could just get it through his thick skull that he doesn't know everything, and he doesn't know how to fix everything, and he doesn't always know what is right for me. I guess there's just never been anything he couldn't support me through, and now its frustrating that he can't help me now. I know it's not his fault. Just hurt finding out his distributing everything where he sees fit. His intentions may be good, but his way of going about it kind of stinks.

    I'm not going backwards. Never, ever. Like I said before, I curse the first pill I ever swallowed for all of this. Who would have thought that getting past 30 days would send me into a breakdown. I didn't expect it, he didn't expect it, and now I'll just deal with it as any tough titan would.

    It is cold and cloudy here. Gosh, why can't it just be summer already? I'd love to have a life remote with a fast forward button right now. At least it is Saturday. Maybe I cna get into something that will life my spirits. Sorry Dave for checking in just to find us losing our minds last night. Today will be a better day.

  11. #371
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by JulieInWonderland View Post
    Hello Sadmommy13,
    I've read the most recent page(s) of this thread, and I am overjoyed that you are taking this important step in your life. If you keep the course — which you most certainly CAN do — you will soon see your life in 3 phases: Before the addiction..., While I was in the throes of my addiction..., and now/post-addiction.

    I've taken Rx pain meds since I was 12 yrs old — with the commencement of Migraine Headaches — and I'm 40 now. Soon to follow was the pain of Endometriosis...

    Several years later, I started experiencing neck/shoulder/back/knee pain from 8+ auto accidents in 10 years. All but 2 were MY fault; Most likely due to the pain meds in my system at the time.

    I was never addicted to anything *until* my second year at university. I found that the pills I'd been taking for years, were soooo much 'better' if I took 2x as much, follow by 3x, 4x and so forth... Yet, I could see they were NOT better once I stepped away and gazed upon my addiction from the lofty place of sobriety.

    I finally found a pain med for which I do NOT lust/hunger. I only take them because of *true* Cronic Pain, but hate taking addictive meds – Period. I'm always on the lookout for signs of abusive behavior within myself. Additionally, I see a PMD that watches me closely, because the very first bit of info I gave him was: "I AM an addict. Please help me remove the pain w/o my addictive behavior kicking in."

    My journey has been long and difficult with a great deal of sadness and anger. Sadness because I lost/wasted a huge number of years; Anger (towards myself) because *I* am the only person who caused this mess of/in my life.

    I'd like to join this thread.. if you're okay with that.
    ~ JIW
    Hi JIW and welcome! The more supporters we have here, the merrier, as far as I am concerned. Sunshine and I both love seeing that we are helping other people, as that helps make the bad days a little more worth it. So that people understand its not supposed to be all rainbows just because you get past the physical hurt.

    I hate that you decided to come join us on a night that we both just had to let it all out. Most days, we are not as aggravated as we were last night. Ups and Downs.... that is the one thing that is very consistent about this process. We are waiting for when the ups outweigh the downs, and we are going to see it through.

    Although having you here is more than welcomed, it would really be a big help for you on you journey to start your own thread, too. You'll get most responses, more followers, more support. But more than that, it's like making a journal of your progress. I can't even tell you how many times I have gone back and read my own thread from beginning to now.... because sometimes looking back at that first week is the only time I actually can see and feel the improvement. It's a good way to track our own progress, plus push yourself through the downs. I think I might just be reading my entire thread again today. I am feeling like I need a reminder of how far away I am now from where I began.

    But nonetheless, welcome! Most of the time, Sunshine are here chatting, venting, just putting it all out there. It's not always "pretty" but we are letting out the truth, which hopefully will empower someone else to get through their own tough days as well. Glad you are here!

  12. #372
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Finally you checked in. Been stalking you this morning. I can start my day off better now. I always do a littke better when I now your right there. Lol.....the couch for hubby.....oh been there. Yes I understand they want to fix things so bad. My hubby told me that stuff won't happen to you....I told you I try and fake it. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. I figure I have you, dave, and others and nothing he can do to fix it.

    Ohhh no sun.. Your getting robbed today!!! I have a beautiful day with lots of sun. But your weather is coming tomorrow. So I will enjoy today!!!! Xoxxoxo.
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  13. #373
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Well, I may just try some artificial sun today, for real. The gym I joined has a tanning center. I've never tanned and don't want to make it a habit (haha, habits & I don't seem to part ways too easily) but to feel that warmth sounds divine right now. I might spend a few minutes in one of those beds today. Another desperate attempt to feel better, which as the smoothie incident proved, this will probably backfire on me somehow, lol. But the beds have timers so I can set it low as possible, minimum time, etc. IF I decide to try it, maybe I'll have a funny story to tell.

    One good thing, I worked my tail off at the gym yesterday, and I am barely even sore this time. Looks like I might be building some good healthy muscles back. I have also gained 6 pounds back! I needed to get some back. I'm only 5'3 but the near 20 lbs I lost over the last few months, some of them I need back. I say it is the muscle building, but maybe it was allthat chocolate. omgoodness, did I eat some choclate! lol
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-31-2015 at 10:00 AM. Reason: typos
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  14. #374
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hopefully you won't come out fried!!! I am way to scared of them I fear I might like the artificial sun too much. I spend so much time in the sun during the summer I don't want to make my skin cancer risk any higher. But you know if it helps so be it!!!!! Hopefully it won't go as bad as the illegal smoothie

  15. #375
    kathycz is offline New Member
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    Mommy, enjoy the warmth. I am so envious right now!! We are having a winter storm warning for tonight with 6 inches of snow predicted! Hopefully they are wrong! Not sure when I have to make sure the walk is shoveled so that Publishers Clearinghouse can get to my front door!! Hope everyone has a great day!! I truly love all of my new friends. Thanks for inviting me on the roller coaster!!
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  16. #376
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Oh goodness, Kathy. I don't know how I would handle it! I am freezing if the temp here drops below 50F. I grew up very south, near the gulf coast, so we would get more ice and sleet before we got snow. I do think everything covered in snow is beautiful. I live a good bit more north of the coast now, so we get 1 or 2 good snow showings a year. But everything here just shuts down.... nobody knows how to drive in it or deal with it... schools close, stores close, it's like the end of the world is coming, ha.

    I can't imagine having to get out in that cold and shovel! You truly ARE a titan! The only thing I could even consider shoveling right now is warm beach sand.... digging ONLY for seashells, mind you (davep)

    I guess you have to shovel it all out of the way before the next round or you get snowed in? Is that how it works? I guess that probably sounds like a ridiculous question, but I have only seen that much snow once on a trip to Boston to visit my sis when she was in college. I went over spring break and was shocked to see so many feet of snow.... on spring break? Just didn't fit in with the spring break weather I had experienced in the past. I thought to myself, Boston is definitely not where I want to plan future Spring Break vacations, lol

  17. #377
    kathycz is offline New Member
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    I am so thankful that my husband and sons-in-laws won't let me shovel! Plus my son Gave us a snow blower when he moved out. We have been lucky. School only closed once this year and it was from below zero weather. Summer will be here soon and then I'll be complaining of the heat and humidity! My son is in NJ and they've had lots of snow this week and power outages as well. So I guess I'll be thankful for what we won't have !!
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  18. #378
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Dog Days Are Over
    Song by Florence and the Machine
    Happiness hit her
    like a train on a track
    Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
    She hid around corners and she hid under beds
    She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
    With every bubble she sank with her drink
    And washed it away down the kitchen sink

    The dog days are over
    The dog days are done
    The horses are coming
    So you better run
    Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
    Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
    Leave all your love and your longing behind
    You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

    The dog days are over
    The dog days are done
    Can you hear the horses?
    'Cause here they come
    And I never wanted anything from you
    Except everything you had and what was left after that too


    That last BOLD message is what the Beast says in your ear. He will take everything.... and more. And I should have known better. But those days are gone.Happiness.... one day is gonna hit me like a bullet in the back. But this time it will not be a synthetically euphoric bullet. It will be just plain ole me. Run Titans run. Our army is far stronger than this one beast.

    That is my musical inspiration for the day. Ta Da "_
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  19. #379
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    And by the way....Ear buds work for husbands, too. Just FYI to any of you gals out there who can relate.

  20. #380
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    With 5 more days you will be thru the worst physical part of it. Maybe low on energy but try some of the energy stuff from the Thomas recipe. It will be good to be out of the house on Monday and be able to keep busy. The cravings get better. I am on day 6 after tapering for 6 weeks. I also went off soma and tramadol as well. It has been tough but I finally feel a little better. I know you doubt yourself but don't. Your so close now!!! Keep posting with your progress.
    Girl, you were my biggest supporter from the first week. I'm almost teary eyed reading back on this today.

    Gosh, we HAVE come a long way. xoxoxox
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  21. #381
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sadmommy13 View Post
    Girl, you were my biggest supporter from the first week. I'm almost teary eyed reading back on this today.

    Gosh, we HAVE come a long way. xoxoxox
    Wow....I love the fact I put that the cravings get better.....I think I was lying to make you feel better. Becaue right now I am not sure of that...lol....on the bright side I think I am now just used to living with it. Well I did not add the anxiety goes away...lol.... Yes we have come so far. Will never go back because I could not imagine starting over. We have grown so strong and have done that together by the support we have for each other. I will always be connected to you. Xoxxox
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  22. #382
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    Wow....I love the fact I put that the cravings get better.....I think I was lying to make you feel better. Becaue right now I am not sure of that...lol....on the bright side I think I am now just used to living with it. Well I did not add the anxiety goes away...lol.... Yes we have come so far. Will never go back because I could not imagine starting over. We have grown so strong and have done that together by the support we have for each other. I will always be connected to you. Xoxxox
    Re-reading the first days shows me how far I am along in this. Makes it so much easier to resist temptation, which is actually INSIDE of my house today.... thanks hubs. That is neither here nor there..... the point is, I posted how empowered I felt about 5 days..... ummm 5 days? I felt empowered at 13 days, at 20 days, I felt empowered the entire time.... til 30 hit. Then I guess I just expected a miracle. Ok, another let down. LeastI'm good at it by now.

    But you sunshine, have been my constant sunshine.... sine the very beginning. No words express the thanks and love I feel for you. I wish I could give you a hug. ((((((((HUG)))))))))))

  23. #383
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    You give me a big hug everytime you read my post and reply back. You do the exact same for me. I hope truly that some of our new comers on the board can find that connection we have as it has been invaluable for both of us. You are my rock!!!

    I did research and the 30 day mark is bad. Don't understand it but it is. I tried to look up the rate of success at different time lengths but was discouraged. Alcoholics actually have higher rates of success than opiate users. But honestly I don't worry about that knowing I have you as my rock!!! It's just not an option we have to good of a thing going and if we hold tight doesn't matter how rough or hard it gets we are not falling. I have you holding my hand when I start to fall and you pick me up. When you start falling I pick you up. Dave you help us both when we start falling at the same time and when we get to tired as we need you just as much as we need each other.

    Remeber mommy we don't have to always move forward on this and it's ok to move a few steps back. Not the direction we want to go but it's ok. As long as we stay strong that's all that matters. We want it to be a race but it never will be. It is a true loss and only time will heal that loss we suffer. Hard to believe not taking pills is a loss but it is and we want them back but with time we will heal.
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  24. #384
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Going out to eat will be back later. Hope the gym went well.

  25. #385
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Hope you got a good dinner tonight! The gym was....well, the gym. I pushed myself as far as I could, trying to get out the frustration, but today I find I'm leaving there now tired, and still frustrated. I dread going home. I'm so sick of tension. and stress.And it seems like the last day or so that's all that's home. If I were only motivated to play doll house or playdoh, I know I'd have a buddy. But I just have zero energy. I know anything we get out, will then have to be put back up. And I just don't feel like putting anything else up.

    Exactly why I wouldn't feel any better using my saved money to have someone come clean, as you mentioned before. You hit the nail on the head with that one, too. There is so much stuff I would have to pick up before someone could clean it, defeats the purpose. Ah well. Heading home to the mess!

  26. #386
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    So, I probably did the wrong thing.... following in your footsteps and reading addiction sites and such. It is depressing. They (the research) basically say(s).... just get used to it. It's a lifelong thing. 99% of what I read was not encouraging in the least, and you were right that mentally the truth this time did not"set me free".

    But.... I did find one gem that made me feel a little hopeful. Said most opiate addicts will relapse, esp without counseling, treatment, etc. before 90 days has passed (of course this you have already read and pointed out) but it also said immediately following that-- the majority of those who relapse will do so within the first 30 days.

    30 days- been there, done that, it wasn't fun AT ALL, but I made it past the "majority". I'm trying with all I have in me to find positive in this seemingly endless dark cloud. I have beat the majority. I'll take what I can getat this point. I can find nothing else at the moment to feel successful about.
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  27. #387
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    Hopefully you won't come out fried!!! I am way to scared of them I fear I might like the artificial sun too much. I spend so much time in the sun during the summer I don't want to make my skin cancer risk any higher. But you know if it helps so be it!!!!! Hopefully it won't go as bad as the illegal smoothie
    I was too chicken to even get in. Those rooms smelled so nice... like warm beachy tanning lotion and other such wonderful things. But those beds.... lil bit freaky to shut myself inside one. I'm not ruling it out, if I have to go many more days with no sun, but I chickened out today.

  28. #388
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Did you read the article about filling the brain's dopamine sack, but how an addict has so many extra gates to let the dopamine in? Normal brains have one gate to release the happy into.... over time we grow extra gates, so normal amount of happy actually leave us wanting more? Just wondering bc, it says feeding my brain excess chocolate all of a sudden, might actually make me feel worse.... bc my dopamine sacks get a little taste of happy but nothing compared to the doses of happy they were used to.

    Not trying to focus on the negative stats, but realizing that today was maybe a bad day bc I went on a chocolate binge. Then, my little dopamine sacks today were ticked off that I only gave them tuna. Just trying to make it NOT ABOUT A PILL....lol.... I am totally desperate, right? No need to answer.... I have been the poster child for desperation since the beginning, ha

  29. #389
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    Wow....I love the fact I put that the cravings get better.....I think I was lying to make you feel better. Becaue right now I am not sure of that...lol....on the bright side I think I am now just used to living with it. Well I did not add the anxiety goes away...lol.... Yes we have come so far. Will never go back because I could not imagine starting over. We have grown so strong and have done that together by the support we have for each other. I will always be connected to you. Xoxxox
    I love that you were lying to make me feel better, LOL

    Hey, it pulled me through.

  30. #390
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Hanging tough Mommy and Sunshine!! I don't like researching all that stuff....I just REALLY don't think anyone knows for sure.....at least about our Brains....and How they recover....I just Know it takes MORE time than WE like, which is why so Many addicts Relapse...Only to be back at square ONE....Because after relapse....Taking the BEAST is Just Never as "FUN"....or however you want to put it....as it was in the beginning.....same with drinking!! Then the person who relapse's has to get fed up enough AGAIN....and Go through this Pain... All Over AGAIN.......To Me.....or at least...In My Opinion....Whatever Happens with OUR brains....like how much they get back to normal...Doesn't Really Matter to ME....Why???....Because I know How miserable I would be again...If I was to start taking the BEAST again.....I would rather be at 80% brain function than be a prisoner to that BEAST EVER AGAIN!!!! Maybe I did some permanent Damage??? All I can tell You ALL is....For How much and how long I was in the Grips of the BEAST......Being clean for just under 2 years....which wasn't always easy.....Is BETTER than the 10-12 years of using that Monster....especially the last 5-6 years....And I know from experience that starting back up again on the BEAST.....never the Same....Might feel ok for a couple DAYS....then MISERY.....AGAIN!!! Hang in there Everyone....It Gets better.....It REALLY DOES!! Stay Strong Mommy and Sunshine!!....and GO HAWKS!!!!..xoxo
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