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Detox in full force, need help
  1. #31
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Physically I feel a little better today. I didn't sleep well but that's partly anxiety I think. I'm terrified of returning to work this week. I know I'm really good at my job, I was before the pills, but they tricked me into thinking I was even better at my job when I was on them. I knhaven't walked I into that auditorium-sized classroom without the fuzzy in years

  2. #32
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I hit post too soon - sorry for the cut off post

    I'm just feeling a lot of anxiety over showing the world the real me again. I'm confident I can do it, it has just been so long since I've done it without the crutch. Scary days to get through initially.

    Thanks for continuing to check on me. The connection to anyone who can relate us giving me something positive to focus on. Thanks all

  3. #33
    eyenstyne is offline New Member
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    I had to go to a Christmas party where I work and was absolutely dreading it. I'm the so-called comedian there, at least that's the label my coworkers gave me so I felt I had some big shoes to fill upon getting there. I am a Type A personality and felt even more-so after getting ripped. I had no idea who would show up to that party. Would it be the class clown or the depressed, anxiety filled, failure on the inside? I sat in my car for about 20 minutes before going in to to bash and was completely full of whoa is me dread. I was spotted by a friend/coworker who was walking to the door, he signaled to me to "come on, let's go" and I rolled down my window and yelled "I'll be in shortly, I have to make a phone call" (Total lie!) I finally worked up the courage to face it head on and went inside. I was shocked who showed up for that party, I felt a little sweaty from the angst, but within minutes I all of a sudden felt so light and honest and instantly became who I am with or without the stuff I was doing.

    It takes a little time sadmommy, but I really think you will be happy once you get the ball rolling with who shows up to teach in that auditorium. I also think you are really going to like her and it just may be just what the dr. ordered and it doesn't even include a prescription and/or that feeling of being a junky when you hand that 'script to your pharmacist.

    Keep up the great work! It just takes time. Let's face it, you've been faking your way through things/life for quite a while. I almost feel born again in a non religious way and life gets more enjoyable by the day. I'm psyched for me and I am psyched for you. Time and courage is all you need and you clearly have both.
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  4. #34
    eyenstyne is offline New Member
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    One more thing:

    If you have a smartphone, there is an app called "Clean time" that really has helped me and shows my progress by the second, the minute, the hour and the day. I seriously recommend you download it. I look at it every day and there is no way in H E double toothpicks I'm reentering the day I stopped using to make it have to start all over again. I'm proud of myself and I'm keeping it that way.
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  5. #35
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Maybe I am wrong but it seems pills gave us energy, confidence but I don't think they give you skill or brain smarts to do the job. In my opinion you will go in there with anxiety becaus it seems like that is our brains way of trying to get more pills and you will ease into teaching using the skills you did before. It's so hard right now because it's all we think about but once you don't have to think about as much it is soooo much better. I tam so thankful for my husband who on the weekends helped keep me busy. You are doing so great!!!!!

  6. #36
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Ok, I really love the counter app. Watching the seconds pass helps- it's like I used to watch the clock for when I could have another dose, replaced with a new kind of watching the clock. I like it. Thanks eye.

    Tomorrow is the first day back to work for staff, students back next Monday. So this week I'll get to acclimate before having to face the classroom next week. My colleagues also view me as the happiest person, funny, helpful, not to brag, but everyone's favorite to have around the office. So I feel the pressure of living up to that rep. I just have to convince myself that I AM that person, without the fuzz. I definitely think the pills made me feel more confident & efficient, but I must remember..... I was all those things before the pills..... I can be them without pills too. Once I prove this to myself, I think I'll be mentally moving uphill.

    Physically, I feel pretty good today. Didn't sleep, worried tossed & turned, but all things considered, I think my body is mending well. Just this darn mind game, I've always been an anxious person, I expected my mind to be hardest to heal. But each second is progress. And I'm watching the counter pass those seconds with pride!

  7. #37
    eyenstyne is offline New Member
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    Do you have Sleepy Time Tea? Also, not for nothin'. you have enough days and "seconds" behind you a good old fashioned shot of the big Q (NyQuil) may actually allow you to drift away and catch some Z's. I was using both the Sleepy Time (I was surprised it actually helped) and a shot of NyQuil and it really helped me out a lot.

    Personal question.... Are you trying to fall asleep next to someone else? I personally couldn't do that. I tried a few nights here and there, but I found being by myself on the couch was a much netter place to be. I think for me, psychologically, I was in a deep dark place and felt so very alone, so being alone physically went along with being alone mentally so much better, so that's what I chose to do. Being by myself on the couch helped me to be able to drift off.

    I am glad you got the app!

  8. #38
    eyenstyne is offline New Member
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    One more quick note:

    You are doing incredible and I am really proud of you!!

    No one around you probably knows just how incredibly hard it is to get off this stuff. It is probably the hardest thing I have ever done and believe me when I tell you, my life has been a nightmare as far as the tragedies that have surrounded me since childhood and beyond. I have been a victim of circumstance to the 10th degree and am a complete survivalist because of it. No more crutches for this guy though!

    Keep on truckin' sista! You won't believe how great it feels to be human again and I promise you the day is gonna come!
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  9. #39
    mmp237 is offline New Member
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    Im right there with you....You have made it this far, you can make it thru!!! Thats all I keep repeating over and over!!! And think of your child each time, that is whats helping me....Im on day 5, no energy and anxiey are the worst right now, but am hoping worst is over!! You CAN do it!!! Good luck!!!!
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  10. #40
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Okay, I'm all sentinental & emotional , wondering what size balls I think I actually have to walk chin up in that office tomorrow, like the same ole me. Not same.... Better. New & improved. Truthfully, I'm scared to effin' death. But I'm not gonna let a bottle beat me. I have too much to live for ... And I'm fighting for it.

    I am trying to fall asleep next to someone, and not just anyone- the champion of all sleepers. My husband is one of those people blessed with no worry. I'm not really religious, neither is he, but he no doubt has an ability to let go of things , whereas I cannot so easily forget . Result: he's snoring instantly while I listen & wonder "what's wrong with me ???"

  11. #41
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    One more thing: to those if you like sunshine, eyenstyne (I teach chemistry btw) those if you who have continued to check in on me & write back, even with just your own experiences, there are no words to describe what you all have helped ms through. I don't even know you guys, but I wake each day ready to check on how you are.,complete strangers, yet part if me loves you so much.

    I admitted I was feeling sentimental. So...... There. Haha
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  12. #42
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hold your chin up your the same person. It's a new and improved you. Make sure you come back and post how wonderful it was. Your going to have a GREAT DAY!!!!!!! Keep it up and stay strong.
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  13. #43
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks all for the encouragement. I have conquered the first half of the first day back reborn. We spent most of the morning in totally boring welcome back meetings. I found myself mostly wanting to pull out my phone to check in with all of you, but that would've made me the annoying student who never stops looking at their phone during my class. So I refrained & waited til lunch to check in. The point though: I was thinking about posting, not popping a pill. And that's the 1st time in a very long time I could controls thoughts during those meetings.

    So, it's going well so far. I figured I'd start crying by now, over anything, Or over nothing, the emotions are presently hardest to control for me. But I'm "tough as nails", that's what my hubs said this morning. And today is officially one week on my clean counter. Moving up in those units of time!

    Although I'm so anxious, feels just like I'm a ball of vibrating stress, I don't WANT a crutch. That's winning!!! Thank you all so for continuing to keep up with me. Means so much, helps so much. I couldn't wait til after work to send update.

    And I'll be getting some sleepy time tea & NyQuil on the way home! You've steered me right so far eye! It's worth a shot. Take care all, though I'm sure I'll be writing back sooner than anyone else, lol. My lifeline!
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  14. #44
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    CONGRATS!!!!!!! You did it!!!!! I have been taking L-Theanine it's an amino acid and supposely helps with anxiety. I don't know if it really works but I take one a day. I like to think it does but I figure it might be a placebo effect which is ok.

    I am so happy for you!!!!!
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  15. #45
    eyenstyne is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sadmommy13 View Post
    Thanks all for the encouragement. I have conquered the first half of the first day back reborn. We spent most of the morning in totally boring welcome back meetings. I found myself mostly wanting to pull out my phone to check in with all of you, but that would've made me the annoying student who never stops looking at their phone during my class. So I refrained & waited til lunch to check in. The point though: I was thinking about posting, not popping a pill. And that's the 1st time in a very long time I could controls thoughts during those meetings.

    So, it's going well so far. I figured I'd start crying by now, over anything, Or over nothing, the emotions are presently hardest to control for me. But I'm "tough as nails", that's what my hubs said this morning. And today is officially one week on my clean counter. Moving up in those units of time!

    Although I'm so anxious, feels just like I'm a ball of vibrating stress, I don't WANT a crutch. That's winning!!! Thank you all so for continuing to keep up with me. Means so much, helps so much. I couldn't wait til after work to send update.

    And I'll be getting some sleepy time tea & NyQuil on the way home! You've steered me right so far eye! It's worth a shot. Take care all, though I'm sure I'll be writing back sooner than anyone else, lol. My lifeline!
    You just made my whole day! I had a follow up with my surgeon this afternoon and he told me I can't return to my job for another two months. I left there with my jaw on the floor and slammed full steam ahead into a wall of depression. I've been through such an awful struggle, but you entirely made my world a brighter place. I am so happy for you and am so proud of you for the amount of courage you have! Congratulations and keep on kicking butt and takin' names, Your husband is a lucky man to have someone with the guts you have!
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  16. #46
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    I just read your response on the contract.......I can not stop laughing......... My husband would have never caved as well he's all mental.. I have the opposite off you because I suffer with pain and along w gyn issues so sometimes it can be on the painful side. My husband is having a hard time with me not having meds for pain.....thus effecting that....I tough it out and think about the endorphins helping especially on the days I don't get to excercise. You honestly made my day with that post!!!!!!!! There was no way your hubby was caving you were getting thru this if he had to carry you the whole way.
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  17. #47
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    mommy.....so proud of you!!! im sorry I haven't been here that mu ch for you ....work has been so busy,,,,but I can see that you were in good hands. Just wanted to say that I knew you could do this and am so happy that you stuck it out.
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  18. #48
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    You guys, seriously I am beaming with light just at the thought of something I said brightening the day for you. I am 100% certain I'd never have toughed this out if not for your support. To think that I, the champion of negativity, made you smile today, well..... That's just as much of sm accomplishment for me as returning to work. I seriously love you all. I am so proud to have made you smile

    Eye- I'm so sorry about the doctors orders. I can't Even imagine someone telling me that I CANT physically m

  19. #49
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Sry cut off again

    Just sayin I can't imagine someone telling me I'm not ready, when i AM ready. If there is anything in the universe I could offer to make things better for you, I would. I seriously love you all. You've made this possible for me through nothing but hope. And eye- you'll make it. I'm not gonna stop posting. Maybe one day with all the pill money we saved we'll all go vacation together. He double hockey sticks- who knows. But I'm here, recovering , regrouping, only bc of you guys. And I am ready to give support where it's needed. I love you all so much!!!!!!!!,
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  20. #50
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Sunshine- you and I have sooooooo much in common, it's almost freaking me out. I volunteer for a homeless animals group, we spay/neuter animals living with ppl who cannot afford the vet bills. We have a moguls trailer as a spay center, and some wknds we fix as many as 70 feral cats. I live in 15 acres in the country with 17 (yes, seventeen) fur children. Funny how fate brings us to people that not only relate to us, but understand us as well. I feel like ur one of my best friends!!!!!

  21. #51
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    I noticed you posted that you teach chemistry my son is so good in science it's his nitch. He recently told me he wanted to teach and since he is so smart both his teachers and I are not to thrilled with it. I decided if he got his masters or phd then at a university I would be ok with that. He has a brilliant mind, special needs student, thinks differently (16 this month). He will speak to me about science and I am in so much in ahhhh....I don't understand anything of what he says. I know you smart teaching chem.

    My animals are all rescue although we have one dog and two cats. Unfortunately we lost are best cat ever almost two years ago. He was so cool but I know he was a litter from a Farrell as we found him in the country however we got him when he was tiny tiny. He attacked everything.....he ruled our house. He actually went on car rides with us....he was the only cat in the kids carpool line everyday. He was a super cool. Anyway got a little off track. I just loved your story about the cats and the country and all the land. It's actually nice to be on the other side and have other things in common besides getting out of pill land.

    I was thinking having sadmommy name will remind you where you were but it's good you are now a happy mommy. Remember to pat yourself on the back, we were support and you could have never done it without the will power that was in you. Yes this sight has been a God sent for me as well. Dave, you, siunshine others have been huge with my journey. I would have got thru it but it was so much easier.

  22. #52
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Well when all of this is behind us, if be happy to help direct your son to a life that's (career-wise) worth living & loving in science. I joined a group that allowed me to fly I. The NASA KC-135 microgravity simulator plane, I got to fly 2 years in a row. Floating In zero gravity, like a superhero, Coolest thing I have ever done by far. I love teaching, but even more, I love helping students achieve goals. So get yourself well 1st, bc your son certainly needs you, but in the science advisement department, you now have a new friend. Just your supportive posts are reason enough for me to welcome an opportunity to help you/your son in return. Funny that we come from all walks of life, yet have a common thread far deeper than just a bottle of pills. Some might call it fate!
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  23. #53
    New Better is offline Member
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    Congratulations Sadmommy,

    Glad to here things have worked out this way, haven't had time to catch up on your whole thread, but it seems you are doing well, keep up the great work, it will pay off.

    -Chris
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  24. #54
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks Chris. Currently sobbing lke a baby. Just a lot of repressed feelings now, more guilt than I think i was

  25. #55
    Nanette50 is offline Banned
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    Is this your first detox?

  26. #56
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Yes , first and only!

  27. #57
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    It's like a roller coaster ride??? We shall see what today brings and let it come our way. I do hope you have a good day. I think once the weekend gets here you will do better. It has been an emotional week. I made a new thread for us and others to socialize. I realized how important it was to talk about other stuff and our connection besides pills and wd. We can talk about science and cats. I will post again and get it higher on the board.
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  28. #58
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Such a roller coaster if definitely is! Today is waaaay harder than yesterday. Feels like 2 steps back. All in my head, in my wacky negative head. The day just started off bad, late, kiddo has a meltdown that her shirt isn't "the Cinderelly one", which of course isn't clean, laundry has certainly not been my top priority. Anyway.
    Stressed over nothing, little stuff, but that's when my head starts sayin I need a crutch. I don't want it, I don't, I don't. But today is testing me, forcing me to remind myself far more than I want to think about it. Trying to stay busy, so very anxious! Hope all of you are happy and warm, wherever you are. It's cold as heck here & oh so gloomy. Which doesn't help anything either. Anyway . Take care all

  29. #59
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    I am with you all the way today!!! Is it 10:00 yet so I can go to bed and be done with this day!!!

  30. #60
    Nanette50 is offline Banned
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    I am really pulling for you. Big rewards ahead.

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