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Detox in full force, need help
  1. #121
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Good news it's almost bedtime!!!! Favorite part of my day is when I get to sleep.....bad part is I really don't sleep that well, toss and turn, then wake up about 4ish go back to sleep. I can tell you this.....this is the worst roller coaster I have ever been on!!!!

    To top things off my daughter brought home a book. I was so happy to be reading with her as we switch back and forth. The Dead and The Gone its young adult series....well let me tell you....it was the worst book I ever read. Was so depressing and sad. I was so excited yesterday to finish it up with her last night because I thought there was going to be a happy ending. Nothing happy in the book. It has put this black cloud over me on top of all the other stuff. Really tried to enjoy something and this is what happens. Hate to be so negative. Tomorrow I will post positive but today I am negative. AND one ,ore thing as long as I am rambling....If the sun does not show itself tomorrow just for an hour or so, I will be going off the deep end!!!!!!! No excercise in 4 days now is getting to me. It's so hard because I am really trying.....

    OK....think I got it all out. Have a good day tomorrow. If you feel like your rambling on in your lectures let the kids out 7 mins early...they will be so happy to be out early they won't even think about the rambling. Lol....they wil think you just tried and pack allot of info in and finished early... Tomorrow as it's almost 7 mins before class ends I know you will think about that and it will put a smile on your face.... Untill tomorrow my friend.
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  2. #122
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    The sun MUST come out tomorrow, tomorrow I say! I know sunshine how the little things (ie the book) can add to the sadness or happiness. I had I breakdown this morning bc kiddo didn't want her purple tennis shoes, and those are the ONLY shoes she ever wears to school. Started my day off with a sad broken beginning. I get it. The little things DO matter.
    I really think some natural vitamin d would do me a lot of good. Love you all so much for hanging around. And ..... Cowboy fan Dave licking your wounds- I'm not done yet. Just wait for a a better day. And you davep in Seahawks country, I'll be having more to say for you as well! Go PACK go!
    Much love,
    Trying to be happy mommy13
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-13-2015 at 08:33 PM. Reason: Typo

  3. #123
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Well let's top off my day with a short story that is still not done and due tomorrow. I hate when the kids have these assignments that are done at the last second and that I have to help because they were as fast as possible. Basically half ....

    Yes mommy we will see the sun tomorrow!!!

    The book I read was about the moon getting hit and being knocked out of place. Ok you should understand the cause and effect. Character was a teenager taking care of his 2 younger siblings...the whole book was nothing except death, starvation, and a world being torn about. It was actually on the NY best seller list. I need to shake it!!!! I would have sworn there was going to be a happy ending.

    Don't worry I put in a request for Dave to give us the Hallmark post......upon reading we will be right back on track. Tomorrow we are going to post what a wonderful day we had. Tomorrow will be good. I read these post about how it has been six months and how wonderful things are and I feel as if it is an enternity away for us.
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  4. #124
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I will be anxiously awaiting Dave's encouragement as well. Motivation in general is proving to be a hard thing to come across these days for me. I swear I believed it would be easier by now. Battle on, my sunshine. Only a TITAN could survive this!
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  5. #125
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Ok You Two.....Hope You both get some decent sleep....and power through HUMP DAY!!! I know How frustrating it can be at times....especially early on...when sleep is choppy....and the Receptors in our Poor abused brains are wondering WTF.....were is the juice....the BEAST....Keep fighting ladies....I swear...It will get better....but....with ups and downs for quite awhile.....Just be Sure to Really ENJOY and Post about those Happy Days....they WILL COME!!!...I think You guys need this one....Gratitude...Appreciate everything life gives you...and experience the fullness of Life! If you concentrate on finding whatever is Good in Every Situation, you will discover that Your life will suddenly be filled with Gratitude, a feeling that Nurtures the Soul!! Stay Strong Trying to be Happy Mommy!!xo....Go HAWKS!!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-14-2015 at 01:15 AM. Reason: spelling error

  6. #126
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Well the sun is out! That's helping. I won't be negative..... for now anyway. I felt a little better in class, I even made them laugh a little bit..... Not easy to get a laugh from kids trying to learn quantum chemistry! So That at least shows a small glimmer of the old me returning, a ray of light, a little hope. I'm still really missing the energy, motivation, drive but today is def an improvement from yesterday. I'll take it. The sun helps.

    Another positive thing: I noticed this morning: I look a lot healthier. Kinda been ashamed to look in the mirror for a few years, but my eyes are brighter, not red & glassy, there's natural color in my face. Just trying to focus on something positive from all of this.

    Also have story to share, but will have to wait til I have more time after work. Seems I jumped out of the loop just in time. Some serious stuff has happened to some if those folks I deleted from my phone. Close call. Making me feel thankful I jumped when I did.

    All in all, better today. Just missing energy like I can't even describe how bad. I'm a busy girl!
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  7. #127
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Ha, sunshine- forgot to mention I did let them go before full class was up. After I got them to laugh, I ended on that good note.

  8. #128
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    The joke and leaving early brought a huge smile to my face!!!!!!! I am hanging in there........sun peeped out for 45 Mins. Was busy today so that helped. Glad you are on the positive note. I am holding out for tomorrow as I know that will be better. I feel very blahh and heart racing with anxiety. But it's better than yesterday....at least that is what I am telling myself. Glad you look better. I don't notice anything...or maybe I am to blahh to. I should be bubbling as I held my new nephew who was born this morn.

    I can't wait to hear your story. At least you got out on your terms and not due to lack of that would have not been as good.
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  9. #129
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Congrats on the new family member. I love little babies! I remember holding my girl the first time, best feeling ever. Although I was all doped up from the csection meds,which unfortunately I loved so much that I'm here in this situation now. I'd like to have another baby one day. But a junkie like me (like I WAS) can't (or SHOULDN'T) do that to a baby, so I'm working on myself with hope for the future. I'm heading home from work, going to pick up my girl, then to feed my army of "furkids". I'll be back asap to converse more. I am glad you got a little but of natural sun. It has been sunny almost all day here, and seriously, it helped. But so darn cold I can't go running. I hate the cold. Not enough meat on my bones these days to keep me warm & insulated. I don't even go to artifical tanning, but seriously considering it as a way to get some vit D if I have to go another week without any sun. I'm glad there was happiness in your day over the new nephew. ttyl. I'll be back soon.

  10. #130
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    hey mommy.......so glad ur doing a little better today. The motivation...energy and drive will all come back, don't you worry. I know your a busy person, but do have a half hour to go for a walk or jog around your neighborhood....that will raise your endorphins and give you a must needed boost. I know when you feel terrible and people tell you to stay positive ...you just wanna tell them to shut the h*ll up ..lol (so I wont do that)

    And FYI.....im done licking my wounds....Im over it!!! now leave my cowboys alone!!!!
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  11. #131
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Hey Cowboy Dave
    Time is what I never have. I teach over 30 contact hrs, 15 acres, 17 pets, 3 yr old. I have always said I needed to clone myself to get it all done in 1 day. However, I can put in 30 min for myself to excercise yet it hasn't been above freezing in a week here. I hate the cold. I live way out in the country,my driveway alone is a mile long. So I could just run my drive, like I used to before pills becameg only hobby. But it's so cold j just wanna stay under a blanket. Outside right now is no good for me, I'm effin' freezing already.

    Had to laugh at what u said about ppl being positive. Today I thought many times about how much I hate everybody I see. Realistically, I know everyone is fighting their own kind of battle, but I really only want to be near those of u who understand how u feel. I'm not a hateful person in the least, quite the opposite actually. But I find myself resenting everyone I see that is happy without a crutch, without thus battle. Hubs included. Today was better than yesterday. But my emotions & thoughts are running wild. Crazy is how I feel at the moment.
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  12. #132
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    You must have read the thread where they posted about going to the tanning bed. Lol. I was thinking the same thing that if I could go to a tanning bed I could almost feel the sun beating down on me and I woukd feel so much better. I have never been in one and figured I might not want to get out therefore would probably fry.

    What do you do with your furry friends when it gets so cold. Do they get to go in a barn or something? My favorite is the newborn stage they are so sweet and to get to hold a baby of a few hours is so precious. I even changed the first diaper. You would have thought that would have been enough to make me happy for the day.
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  13. #133
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I have a colony of feral cats, some I can touch, some I can't, that live in a "cat house" beside our shed. There are about 8 of them that come and go as they please, they were relocated from the college where I teach when the a-hole president said all animals be removed. By hubs & I trapped them, brought them here, and he built the cat addition on our shed. There are 2 little heated boxes to crawl in & lots of hay. The remaining furkids- all inside. They have a pet door so they go outside when they want , but at night, there are 5 dogs and 4 cats up in my bedroom, lol. Some ppl call me crazy..... Always been a sucker for a stray.,just can't turn away one in need. While my chores are an overload, they give such unconditionl love. I think we have rescued over 30 strays since we got our land 7 yrs ago.

  14. #134
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I think I probably would have gone to a tanning bed today if the sun had not come out. It was still freezing, but the light was such a blessing. I did read the other post about tanning! and that did give me the idea. I'm still not ruling it out if there are more than a couple more sunless winter days in a row. I truly believe it made a difference.

    As Dave has pointed out exercise being so important, yet I am too cold to go outside and do anything more than absolutely necessary, I am going to sign up for a conditioning class at the gym at our college. Teachers can take one class a semester for free. They have aerobics, pilates, etc. but I seriously have lost so much weight in the last 2 weeks, that I really couldn't afford to lose, that i need to build size, not lose it. So today I signed myself up for Fitness & Conditioning with the football coach, lol. This should be interesting. But if it builds energy, I'll give it a shot. I'll try anything once...... wait, that's what got me in this mess in the first place!

    Going to bathe the little one, then will be back so finish my story & hope for motivational responses. This thread is literally my lifeline. Any free second I have, I come here to check in. Accountability. Friends. Support. That's what I'm holding on to right now!
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  15. #135
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Wow we have a dog that was abused with separation issues. So she goes everywhere with me weather permitted. When we adopted her she was best fitted with a family of her being an only dog so it was perfect. She lost her best friend 2 years ago in the fire... Our 8 month old cat ruled the house. It's a blessing and a curse I thought the cat had got out as I am alive but I live with the guilt of not trying to get him. So now we have two cats that are ok....but not my Kitty.

    I know what you mean about being thin with no insulation. Lately with the holiday food, extra food from this whole thing and lack of motivation I am almost a size 6...still claiming my size 4. Counting on the excercise to keep me there.
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  16. #136
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    This should be interesting. But if it builds energy, I'll give it a shot. I'll try anything once...... wait, that's what got me in this mess in the first place!

    mommy........lol that's a good point.....but hey I really think that's a great idea taking the fitness and conditioning class. When are you taking it? You will see what a difference this will make....exercise works wonders, trust me .

    I cant believe how many animals you have...I cant imagine taking care of all of them!! You were not exaggerating when you said you don't have time.
    That's so funny what you said about resenting people that did not need a "crutch"........I would be so jealous of my friends that could be happy w/o doing drugs of any kind and still loving life. I hated them for it but at the same time I admired them. Before you know it, you will be one of those people .....just hang in there and stay positive...lol.

    ohh yea ..one last thing.....please refer to me as 2016 superbowl champion Dave....if your gonna call me cowboys dave....thank you
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  17. #137
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I hate to hear that about your kitty. My pets are family to me. I depend on their love so much, and losing one to any incident is hard. I have lost many furkids, some just to old age, some tragically, I have a few nightmare losses as well. A lot of those sad feelings I haven't really even dealt with yet. I just used the meds to numb me through it all. Now a lot of thoughts come back that I have been trying not to feel....but at least now I realize I am supposed to feel them. I numbed myself through my stepfather's death as well. He passed 2 days after my daughter was born, because his missed his kidney dialysis appt to be there for her birth. Not sure I'll ever stop blaming myself for that one, bc I chose the csection date myself. I think the repressed feelings add to the depression I'm feeling post the physical wds. I probably need counseling just as much as exercise. Just taking it day by day.

    I'm exhausted. Never got to the story of my narrow escape,so that will just have to wait for another new day.Hope everyone reading gets good sleep and sees a bright sunny day tomorrow. Love to all for your support.

  18. #138
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Okay, okay..... wishful thinking 2016 superbowl champion Dave.....

    I'm going to take a class that meets in the gym for 40 minutes during my lunch time on Tuesdays & Thursdays. I figure it can't hurt. Just hope none of my students are actually in there. That would just be weird, lol.

    I do have a huge load on my plate. But, all the responsibility, although right now it is truly overwhelming as I am so tired, it's part of what gets me up every day. They all need me. And if I'm not around, they'll suffer. So, they deserve for me to keep n keeping on, even when I don't feel like doing it for myself. Day by day, minute by minute. Looking for positive every chance I get!
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  19. #139
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    Lambeau Leap should be illegal mommy.......I think counseling is a great idea...I actually think I am going to start going also this year. Even though ive been clean for so long....I have my good days and bad days just like anyone else. Being an addict we grow numb to everything and all of lifes problems....so as you can imagine all of those emotions are bottled up and we need to talk about them.

    Hope you have a sunny day tomorrow!!! I happen to be off so ill be on if you need to chat
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  20. #140
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Mommy....I posted a longer post on Sunshine1112's thread....Included you in it....So I was gonna skip posting here on Your thread tonight....BUT......Then I thought....what the heck....at least a short shout out!! I am Sooo Happy to Hear that your gonna do that class.....Exercise....I'm telling Ya....You won't regret it...It May seem hard....and You might not feel like it some days.....But you gotta PUSH yourself....Just as I did...getting to the gym that first Month!!! Man, I used to practically Drag My Gym bag in their....BUT....Once I got going, and gott'er Done....Felt So MUCH BETTER!!! Hope You are getting some decent rest tonight!! Have an awesome Thursday.....3 Days From Game Day.....GO HAWKS!!! IT's a shame to....cause I like Rodgers...and the Pack....But...they are in for a Long Day come Sunday!!....Stay Strong Getting Happy Mommy!!..xo
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-15-2015 at 01:06 AM. Reason: spelling error
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  21. #141
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Eyes open, out of bed, ready to be positive today ....... Then look outside to find it snowing, sleeting, a gloomy yucky day. Plus this is my hard class day- organic chem lab- never was my strong area & always has scared me to death teaching it, bc I do not know it like the back of my hand, as I do the other chem areas . So a bit more nervous than I want to be. Maybe the snow will make kiddo excited enough to actually cooperate this morning. Whoever said terrible 2s had not yet had a 3 yr old. And she's no morning kid either- always a struggle getting up & outta here. But here goes . To battle the kid, the cold, the scary chemistry, and ....... The beast. Battle on! I'll be checking in soon as I can as you guys are my rock at the moment. I trust you. I have faith that this battle will be worth it! Xoxo ttyl all . Wish me luck!

  22. #142
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Titan, you go.....you are rocking this day!!! Kicking butt and taking names!!!! The iPhone weather app LIED. There is no sun but cold, rainy, and foggy as it has been since Sunday. So I have nothing positive to say so not posting much today. I am sure tomorrow is my day to feel better....it better be because I am hanging on to threads by fingernails waiting for it to get better. Still hanging so I guess that's positive.

    Your wicked smart I am sure you really know the org chemistry better than you think. I know it's more than me because I don't even know what that is.....hmmmm....maybe all natural chemistry......like the organic stuff you buy at the store. Lol....that should get a smile on your face.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-15-2015 at 03:35 PM. Reason: Spelling
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  23. #143
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Well despite my really REALLY trying to be positive, today just stunk. I swear I forced every smile I could muster, but there was so much chaos. One of my colleagues came into my office "concerned" about me. Said he could tell something wasn't right. Was just concerned and offering a listening ear if I needed it. Of course, I had to BS my way through "what's wrong". Just got me a little down that the change in my moods and behavior is really obvious, although I am trying SO HARD to seem normal. Felt defeated, like it's just not working.

    I went to my first fitness & conditioning class. There are a dozen football players, a few random other athletes, and then me. I think the coach took it pretty easy on me today, but gosh I'm sore, which makes me want to take something to feel not sore anymore. Cravings..... ugh! Hate this SO much!

    Sunshine- that did make me lol. society has been tricked by the marketing industry as to what "organic" really means. Pesticides, poisons, MEDICINES, all organic. It doesn't mean natural at all, or at least that's not what the original definition of organic was. It just means anything that contains carbon. Everything living does contain carbon, but synthesized things do, too. So, the classroom definition of organic certainly doesn't mean what the grocery store says it does. I felt like I was babbling through class, they all looked confused, and that added to the defeat.

    Oh the cycle is wearing me out! Up, then down, then up, the down. Seems like the downs are still outweighing the ups. Waiting on the tides to change, hanging on by a very thin rope.

  24. #144
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Oh my, it's getting worse by the second. Just got called with an offer that I would never have refused. I deleted my hookups but they all did not delete me. I'm still shaking, I was speechless. I said no, but omg full blown panic right now!!!! I didn't want to know they were available. Ugh.

    After a while, my little script only lasted me part of the month. I had a few hookups that sold to me. One of them is now on H, apparently the money she was making from me, hurt when she lost that a few Wks ago when I cut out. So she's moved onto things that I'm glad I separated early enough to avoid. That's what I say was my narrow escape. Who knows what I would've tried when desperate. I don't.

    But this call, from a totally different hookup, has shaken me to my core. That beast is telling me to call get back and say why yes, I'll take them all. No. I'm not. But I'm battling hard at the moment to delete that recent number again. Chant to self: titans don't go backwards.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-15-2015 at 06:50 PM. Reason: Typo

  25. #145
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Titan my brother who is vegan and avid nutritional person and big environment says the same thing. The "organic" and all "natural" is a multi million dollar industry....adding the words makes big bucks. He does buy organic but says you have to be careful because everyone wants to have the label. Thanks for the chem lesson....I am going to ask my son if he knows what that means and then try to act like I am smarter then him although I am sure he will have some glorified scientific lengthy answer to reverse things on me.

    As for work all they need to know is your having some personal issues or whatever bs.....none of their business. Yes it does suck and I am sure it was a shock knowing that your not the life of the party or the strong one. But it will get better at least I am hoping for me and you both.

    Wow they get desperate when they start losing their business. What's up with them? Delete..delete...delete. H all you can do is be thankful and feel bad for that person. Funny half my brain is thinking how nice they must feel while I am so miserable here...but the smart half of my brain knows better.

    Yes I know what you mean about the sore body and dealing with pain. Instant temptation!!! Remember when I wemt on the walk then the bike ride where I got on the advanced trail. Was bruised from head to toe. On top of my other back pains. I know....I know....I know

    Remember we are still hanging on and that's what matters. Doesn't matter if our rope is as thin as a hair or if we are holding on to it by the fingernails.

    You will get a kick out of my desperate attempt today to feel better. To Post soon.

    Xoxo
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  26. #146
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Hang Tough Mommy!! I know How Hard it can be.....those people wanting OUR money...for the BEAST!! I used to be one of those....who sold the BEAST to others....Because I was getting Sooo Many!! Not something I'm very Proud of....But it is what it is......Glad You stayed the course....Bad Day or Not....Yeah..cravings are not fun....Takes a lot of work to make it Far enough away from the Junk....that it doesn't really come up anymore!! I never though I would go Days without thinking about how nice it might be to take just One...2...4...8..50......???? But....Keep fighting....and I will REPEAT....the GOOD days will come....and Take charge over the Bad Ones...just remember how Long it took to get this way.....It takes awhile to start feeling Much Better....Takes Patience....and talking to US....Daily..Like You've been So good at doing!! Stay accountable Mommy....YOU are Doing Awesome...even if you might not think so right Now....and You and Sunshine are holding each other UP....NICE!! Stay Strong Sore Mommy!! Ps...Nice job as well...doing that exercise class!!! You Rock!!..xo
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  27. #147
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I am trusting you 2 daves with every once of my being. I am so ready to be able to control how I feel about this. That phone call offer has me ALL messed up mentally. I swear I have not been able to go a solid 5 minutes all day without thinking about it. Once upon a time, I would have been ELATED to get that particular call. The "deal I was waiting for", all of the time. Deep down in my heart & soul, I know I don't want to go back to THAT kind of waiting. Now I am waiting to feel better just being me, which this waiting will eventually pay off permanently (again, trusting you guys ' word very much in that respect). Whereas, if I go back to waiting on that phone call, the waiting won't ever really stop. Its like my mind is totally torn in half. I am pissed off at whomever is going to get to take up what was always "my" offer. Yet, I feel bad for whoever gets them because I know the truth. I feel crazy as a loon right now! Like two totally different people are living in my head! Battling today. But I DID delete the number. So although the thought is there, I at least tried to remove the choice.

  28. #148
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Titan I am not sure I understand you are upset about the offer you did not get? I am thinking this was a new person and you wanted to buy and they did not call you or they offered you a discount? If it was the offer maybe it's your seller trying to get you to buy his? Idk.... But it doesn't matter that way of life is gone. Take that money you would have paid and go treat yourself to something nice. What about a massage? There wonderful and I need to get myself one now that we bring it up. You are a TITAN now you don't need them or the junk they have to drain you. Yes it bothers you yes it's driving you crazy....more so it's bothering them because you did not take it. You are bigger....all its done is trigger your brain. Move on Titan!!!!

    I know it's not easy as this is with me all day long and I just want it to go away for awhile. Yes I would do so much better if Dave would give me an exact time line. I do better on the whole reward system...do this for so many days and you get this. I don't even ask because they can't. I know it bites the big one. Did the sun come out today? Was shining bright and I beamed all over the place did not feel any more motivated still have anxiety but I was not blahhhhh.

    What are you doing this weekend....plan something fun and different to help get your mind off things. Honestly you need a good day to give you that much needed nudge of a glimmer of good. It has been a hard week for both of us were just getting worn down. We want a break from this...... I know.

    Dave we need a hallmark post here... Please.
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  29. #149
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    mommy......you are still very early into ur recovery (little over 2 weeks).....what you are going through right now is all part of the process. Trust me .....please stay strong through this. Your mind will play tricks on you and you will have that back and forth battle with yourself....but I know you can do this. I know it all sounds cliché.....but nothing can stop you after you beat this. You will have your good days and your bad days....but I promise you the good days greatly outweigh the bad ones.

    in regards to work.....I was actually approached by 3 different people when I quit doing drugs and switch to suboxone......I must have been living in a fantasy world and didn't even know it. When I was high nothing bothered me and I was carefree....when I switched to the suboxone I was easily irritated and didn't know how to act because I wasn't high. I really wanted to tell them they have no idea what im going through and to leave me the h*** alone lol. I remember thinking to myself.....what the heck is going on...I quit doing drugs....these people should be giving me a freakin medal !!!

  30. #150
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Dec 2014
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    I trust you Dave. I'm hanging on to the good days. All in all, today was ok. The sun was shining, I got out of work a little early, and I actually ran my driveway (well part of it) for the first time in a long time. It did feel good. I can absolutely tell a physical improvement. And that's giving me hope. Just stil exhausted from the mental battle.

    Sunshine- the offer I got last night was a regular, monthly thing. It was what I normally used to make it through the month after my little script ran out. So, when I call it "mine" I just mean I always waited, and waited for her to call with that offer. It was the best deal on street prices you can get around here. And rarely was there a month I missed out on getting them. So, it just messes me up mentally that I could have a big ole bottle full right now, like I always used to....... but this time someone else gets it. I just meant I always had first dibs on that "good" deal, and it screwed me up all day that I said no. Proud..... yes. But when I'm stilll struggling so hard, there is still part of e that just wants the "easy" way out. Although I know the reality. That's why I'm still here!

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