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Detox in full force, need help
  1. #151
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by DDAVE45 View Post
    mommy......you are still very early into ur recovery (little over 2 weeks).....what you are going through right now is all part of the process. Trust me .....please stay strong through this. Your mind will play tricks on you and you will have that back and forth battle with yourself....but I know you can do this. I know it all sounds cliché.....but nothing can stop you after you beat this. You will have your good days and your bad days....but I promise you the good days greatly outweigh the bad ones.

    in regards to work.....I was actually approached by 3 different people when I quit doing drugs and switch to suboxone......I must have been living in a fantasy world and didn't even know it. When I was high nothing bothered me and I was carefree....when I switched to the suboxone I was easily irritated and didn't know how to act because I wasn't high. I really wanted to tell them they have no idea what im going through and to leave me the h*** alone lol. I remember thinking to myself.....what the heck is going on...I quit doing drugs....these people should be giving me a freakin medal !!!
    I am chanting to myself daily how only the strongest person alive could survive this.And reminding myself that many people can't, or won't own up to the reality of what is going on, and sign up for what I'm doing. I thought I was acting somewhat normally at work- just knocked me down that apparently, I wasn't. I'm giving myself credit where credit is due, but feel defeated when the reality sets in. I know I shouldn't. I should feel so empowered.... if I can to THIS..... I can do ANYTHING. I know it. Just still in such a fog. I trust you. I'm waiting it out.
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  2. #152
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    "Yes it bothers you yes it's driving you crazy....more so it's bothering them because you did not take it. You are bigger....all its done is trigger your brain. Move on Titan!!!!"

    Just noticed this part of your comment. You're right that it's probably bothering them more than me. That is a really good point. But a few of these folks actually used to be my friends before everyone's habit got out of control. I am truly thankful and LUCKY to be out of that loop. Maybe one day I can be well enough to help change some of thsoe old friends. But right now, thinking about somebody else being all warm and fuzzy kinda just makes me jealous. I am ready or the day I feel proud and strong enough to help other people fix themselves.
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  3. #153
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    mommy.....believe it or not you are helping more people than you know .....I can guarantee you that.

    ps.....I know these next few days are going to be tough for you....with the packers losing and all....but ill be here to support you through that too

  4. #154
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    HAHAHAHA! Thanks. Best laugh I've had all day.

    Maybe next year wishful thinking 2016 championship Dave.

    Thing is, I actually don't pull for the Packers normally. My husband is life long Packer fan. Me (temporarily hangs head i shame)pull for the Saints. But since we are already out, I figure I might as well support the win that will at least make my home (husband) a little happier. But.... to tell you the honest truth.....I wish they'd both lose

    However, I am equally glad for any Cowboy loss. So, I think I have brought us back to the drawing board.
    Go PACK Go.... (with the slight whisper of a Saints Who Dat in the background).
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  5. #155
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Lol....I am jealous of the people who post on the board who are still doing them and in the process of quitting...now that's messed up... I swear somewhere deep down inside of me I wish I would have an injury or medical emergency where I need them.....how messed up is that.....
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  6. #156
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Lol....I am happy anytime the Cowboys don't win.
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  7. #157
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I know EXACTLY how you feel.... about the envy for both people tapering and/or using AND...... also about Cowboys losing..... poor, poor, Romo

  8. #158
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    Lol....I am jealous of the people who post on the board who are still doing them and in the process of quitting...now that's messed up... I swear somewhere deep down inside of me I wish I would have an injury or medical emergency where I need them.....how messed up is that.....
    I so very much understand.I really do envy ppl that are still on them. I just want the energy! Makes me feel even crazier!

  9. #159
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    Hi Sadmommy,
    I see that you are in very good hands so I haven't posted. I did however feel the need to tonight to let you know how proud of you we all are! You have decided to take on this huge problem in your life that is holding you back from actually living. When we are numb we don't live, we just breathe and that isn't a life I would wish on anyone. But you stepped up and decided to take control of your life agin so its frustrating when things start to feel even more out of control.
    As a Child and youth counsellor I was extremely upset at myself at not having the skills that I teach, to use for myself. I had someone give me advice about talking to myself as if I was a friend in need. Soft and gentle and very loving. Be your best friend right now mommy. Nurture that part of you that wants this more than anything. I teach angry kids how to use coping strategies so I thought "why not try them yourself kim!" One of my favourite coping statements is the famous THIS TOO SHALL PASS. KEEP IT SIMPLE. also ones that Ive heard from AA like By the Grace Of God. Live and let live. First things first. and the serenity prayer. When emotions would take over my mind as thats all they ever did at first, I would take 3 deep breaths and repeat whatever statement came to mind. I gave myself more love than I ever had and started to understand that I didn't get this way overnight and I won't fix this overnight. Try and enjoy the process as much as you can. When you need to cry, cry. Sit with it and feel it but don't pretend its not there. Don't try to avoid it or get rid of it. Give it the attention it needs and then let it go.
    I often picture placing all my problems in helium filled balloons and then imagine a opening a window and letting those balloons float out, away from me and my mind, up to the sky so that I didn't have to be weighed down by trying to figure them out all on my own.
    One last thing that Ive recently discovered is 80% of the things I worry about either never happen or turn out better than I imagined. I suffer from anxiety and obsessive thoughts about worrying and this was such a relief for me to find out. I made it a point to be aware of what I Was worried about and then track the outcome..... yep, never was as bad as I worried it would be.
    Im not sure if any of this helps. Im in no way an expert. I just felt compelled to write to you.
    Great job making this decision to acting on the things that need to be done to get you where you want to go. You're in very good hands here.
    In my prayers.
    Kim
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  10. #160
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    Lol....I am jealous of the people who post on the board who are still doing them and in the process of quitting...now that's messed up... I swear somewhere deep down inside of me I wish I would have an injury or medical emergency where I need them.....how messed up is that.....
    The addicted mind is very diseased. Learning to understand the illness helped me understand the messed up thoughts I had too. lol its all very normal to our addicted minds. You're doing great!! Remember the pills made us all happy in the beginning and then miserable everyday after we couldn't stop. You've got this. I'll be praying for you
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  11. #161
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Mommy....I'm really tired and it's late...So I will hit your thread more tomorrow......But just wanted to quickly chime in, and say....Keep Fighting....Your Really doing awesome.....I know how frustrating it gets....waiting for that Energy to come back...takes awhile....but...meantime....Just recognize the Good things....Maybe it doesn't feel like Many....But....You Should be VERY Proud of yourself....Lots of people can't even get past a week.....and Cave...Never even giving themselves a chance??? That was ME....I just can't believe I would put myself through this Sooo Many times!!!...Maybe Your Packers will get Lucky, and pull off an upset Sunday......NOT!!!....Talk to you more this weekend....Hoping and Praying for just a little more energy coming your way....Stay Strong Cheesehead Mommy!!....GO HAWKS!!
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  12. #162
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Well, it's really a pretty day here. I am going to rejoice in that.You exercise enthusiasts would have been proud of me this morning..... before anyone else woke up, I got out of bed and put those running shoes back on. I ran all of the way down the driveway (just under one mile), I swear I was pounding my frustration through my feet into that gravel. The exercise DOES feel good. I can feel a bit more energy today, after doing something physical on both Thursday and Friday. But I am kinda in the same boat as Sunshine.... it doesn't last long enough, really only while I'm doing it. But heck, the pills didn't ever last long enough either.

    I'm having some super CRAZY dreams. I wake up thinking WTF. For example, last night I had a dream where I was eating lucky charms.... but all of the marshmallows were different kinds of pills, all colors and shapes.... all of my favorites were in there and I thought.... where has this kind of cereal been all my life? Then, I woke up and realized how totally insane that was. I'm not sure I remember many dreams at all from when I was living in the fog. I guess there's a lot I don't remember.

    Wanting to go do something fun today. Just also wanting to avoid people. Still resent every genuine smile I see. We shall see what opportunities come up that sound good. I'll have to get out of the house, that I know for sure. But I am certain I won't be far from this board for long!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-17-2015 at 10:42 AM. Reason: typo

  13. #163
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks butterfly for your post. I went back and read some of your others, and what an inspiration you are. I dream if the day i want my hobbies back again. I used to be a totally different person, usuAlly quite happy, and I am eager to be that person again. Patience has never been one of my strengths, thus my feeling do frustrated at still feeling bad near day 19. I read the threads of others here & see them as my guiding light.,putting faith in the words I read from those of you who made it back to reality & are happy. By the Grace of God, I am continuing to put one foot in front of the other!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-17-2015 at 12:48 PM. Reason: Typo
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  14. #164
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Real quick post as I was taking a small break from my day. I saw on the Dr. Drew show a caller called in and said after four years she had a dream of pills falling all around her. Said it was normal. When my mom quit smoking she said she had dreams of smoking.

    Glad your having a good day. I am so so today. Yesterday was good, last night bad, and ok today. Once I get my excercise in will be better. Post at you later.

    Xoxox
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-17-2015 at 12:56 PM. Reason: Spelling
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  15. #165
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello: The exercise will help more than you know at first. Exercise gets your natural endorphin's start producing on their own (those are your happy hormones). I had to laugh about the lucky charms and the pills. OMG. Did I have pill dreams!!! Even little stones became pills in my dreams. You are getting there!!!

    Peace,

    Iloerose
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  16. #166
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    lmao @ the lucky charms.....that's too funny..........but seriously, where do they sell that?? lol

    glad to see the exercise is paying off.....just keep at it and you'll see a huge difference in your mood and will also help with withdrawls that are still lingering.

    im gonna email the mods about adding an unlike button ....all that cowboys trash talking is getting ridiculous!! lol
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  17. #167
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Makes me smile to have made you lol Dave. I suppose, from interpretation of my dreams, you can tell I (1) have a pill problem, lol, and (2) I have a little one that eats Lucky Charms often....

    Just finished my second mile run down the drive. I'm freaking exhausted (take something to pep you up!)....but at the same time, I am kinda elated (I actually CAN pep myself up without a pill as a crutch). My weirdo self, still torn in half.

    No worries about reporting me to the mods. The rest of this weekend will be dedicated to trash taking certain Seahawks fans. I mean, think about it.... it MY Saints had not beat GB in regular season, the whole homefield advantage factor would have been thrown off. No matter to a Cowboy (excuse me... wishful thinking 2016 champion) any more so than a Saint, at this stage in the game. So, I will agree to leave the Cowboys alone for the reminder of the weekend. And focus my attention on making sure there's an upset in Seattle tomorrow!
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  18. #168
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Good job running that driveway...And even going back for a second run!! I am getting ready to head out to the Gym Myself....I could Use a Booster as well!! We are ALL gonna get through this Day...Clean and Sober....and What a Nice Feeling that will be......EH??
    Now.....For some trash talking.....WE are officially under 24 hours to Kickoff!! This City is absolutely Going NUTS!! If I didn't know better, I would think it's crazier than last Year!! As far as the Cheeseheads chances for winning....Well.....I would be shocked......On the other hand...if by some MIRICLE...they pulled it off.....I would be cheering for them in the Superbowl.....Maybe next year though??...Here is My early prediction.....Seahawks...34.....Packers...24....N ot sure they can get to 24 against this HAWK defense....But I DO have a Lot of respect for Mr. Rodgers....Then again....if he is too Gimpy on that leg...Game Over....EARLY!!! Have a GREAT Saturday....Stay Strong Mommy...and GO HAWKS!!!!!!!
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  19. #169
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    For having tried so darn hard, I sure did have one terrible day. I did everything I am supposed to.... I exercised, I ate protein, I tried to find positive. Yet I have struggled to put one foot in front of the other ALL day long. Maybe I should only have run one mile.... baby steps?

    Sent hubs to the grocery store with kiddo. I honestly couldn't take another minute of either of them.... and I feel HORRIBLE about that!! He just keeps telling me to eat almonds for energy and I want to smother him (kidding.... I tihnk). Of course, he is trying to help. He has tried to do his homework in order to help me. But I just don't want to be around ANYBODY that doesn't understand where I am. I feel terrible about it. I loved taking her to the store when I was high..... have never taken her without being high.... so I can't comment on the opposite end of the spectrum...... yet. My day is coming....it's already on the way....

  20. #170
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Well I am glad it did not spread this way. Had a rough time this early afternoon but then we hit the bike trails for 2 hours. This time we stayed on the easy trails. Much better. At least your hubby is trying mine would assume I just take the pills. He definitely is supportive and has helped me. He sees me suffer in pain and its hard. Plus he does not understand the anxiety thing...he is so relaxed about everything and does not worry about stuff and lets everything go. Something I wish I could do but my brain just doesn't work the same. You have to love him for the almond thing...... Just eat some protein .....that will help. If only so easy... How sweet!!!! Seriously, you need to eat the almonds and act like they help then he will feel extra good for helping you out. I am more than willing to try about anything these days. Honestly be so thankful you have no idea what my husband said to me in all this.

    I am a Denver fan...so I am out.....Happy Dallas is not in....I will take Seahawks even though I am not a fan of Seattle (that's just a sun thing nothing against the team) don't care for the Packers. Then honestly either or on Patriots and Colts.
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  21. #171
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    mommy and sunshine......your days are coming...I can promise you that. You are at that crossroads
    in the point of your recovery where both paths are for the better. I know that everyday is a struggle and it seems as if it will never end....the days drag by and time seems like it doesn't move......believe it or not this is a good thing....this is life.....and it means that you are sober. When we are high....life passes us by at an extremely fast rate. Dealing with all these emotions is the hardest part....we start to reflect on events in our past and try to come to terms with them.

    I will not hold your slick comments about my cowboys against you ....as the two of you are obviously delusional.........most definitely a side effect of your lack of sleep or something . However....I am so proud of the both of you....you guys are an inspiration to many here on the forum....including myself.
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  22. #172
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I know he only has my best interests at heart. He has really taken on almost the single dad role throughout all of this. One day, I'll be able to repay him and this will all seem worth it. I ate all of his almonds, I am trying. I still have zero motivation to get off the couch. I have two online classes two build before end of tomorrow, plus in laws wants us to come back for game day. Don't think I can go back and look at the medicine cabinet again. Strength seems even less now than a week ago. Just wishing for motivation. Doing all I know to get it back. But I swear I did not sign up to feel this bad at 19 days. I thought I'd feel better by now. Can someone please flip a switch in my brain? The "energy on" and "stressful thoughts" off switch please.

    Game day. Just afraid I'll be moping on the couch watching it alone. Dunno if I can muster up enough fake to make it through another "social" day with that darn beast in tge medicine cabinet. I feel weary.... still. And just plain ole SICK of it!

    Tomorrow WILL BE better. Because I'll get to bask in the light of knocking the Hawks out of the playoffs.

  23. #173
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by DDAVE45 View Post
    mommy and sunshine......your days are coming...I can promise you that. You are at that crossroads
    in the point of your recovery where both paths are for the better. I know that everyday is a struggle and it seems as if it will never end....the days drag by and time seems like it doesn't move......believe it or not this is a good thing....this is life.....and it means that you are sober. When we are high....life passes us by at an extremely fast rate. Dealing with all these emotions is the hardest part....we start to reflect on events in our past and try to come to terms with them.

    I will not hold your slick comments about my cowboys against you ....as the two of you are obviously delusional.........most definitely a side effect of your lack of sleep or something . However....I am so proud of the both of you....you guys are an inspiration to many here on the forum....including myself.
    I promised to leave your Cowboys alone for the remainder of the weekend at least. Holding true to my word. It is now time to get those Seahawks off their pedestal. Hoping the Cheeseheads teach them a lesson tomorrow!My, wouldn't THAT be af un game???

  24. #174
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Titan. I know it will be hard and I wish I knew the answer as to you going over to the inlaws. I think having a good time getting out in a stress free activity is good for you however I know the meds in the cabinet bother you, There pils nothing more nothing less they don't control you. You made a decision for all the right reasons to not use them and that's in you and that is what is driving you. It drives you to get excercise it drives you to eat the almonds...it drives you to be strong...it drives you to be a Titan.... Although I want to use them to make me feel better and it seems like I think about it 24/7 I can tell you honestly having pills in my hands would not phase me. Read your post from last week and remember what a great feeling it gave you when you did not take them.

    If you feel like it is going to be to big of a temptation or cause extra anxiety at this stage stay home it's not worth risking it. There's no shame in that. Do what you need to and stay strong.

    Xoxox
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  25. #175
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Okay- today is going to be good. I am determined. My spirits are high, energy so-so for the moment, anyway.
    The sun is out and it's going to be near 60 degrees. That definitely makes me feel a little more up. I'll run the drive again, but not first thing. I think that may have been what made my energy crash so hard yesterday. Maybe I should have eaten first. What about protein shakes? Anybody recommend stuff like that? Or maybe I need some of that pre-workout mix. Just looking for more natural ways to get the energy back. Hubs has me eating eggs (and almonds) until I'm just sick of them, lol. He is trying so hard, but I resent him for being free of this battle. The other half of me sees him as a gift from God because he is picking up so much of my slack. There's that mind torn in half again. Ready to control (or exterminate) the side that resents happy people. That's so not me!

    Still not sure if I am tough enough to go back to the in laws for the game. I really want to. Just wish that darn medicine cabinet could be removed for the day. I know I don't want to go backwards. But the temptation I'm afraid will ruin any joy I can get when the PACKERS pull and upset beat the HAWKS. I'llbe watching, but it may be from my own couch. We shall see.

    Hope everyone has a pretty sunny day. So far, so good here. Now to see if I can getup and moving- still searching desperately for that motivation.

  26. #176
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    Titan. I know it will be hard and I wish I knew the answer as to you going over to the inlaws. I think having a good time getting out in a stress free activity is good for you however I know the meds in the cabinet bother you, There pils nothing more nothing less they don't control you. You made a decision for all the right reasons to not use them and that's in you and that is what is driving you. It drives you to get excercise it drives you to eat the almonds...it drives you to be strong...it drives you to be a Titan.... Although I want to use them to make me feel better and it seems like I think about it 24/7 I can tell you honestly having pills in my hands would not phase me. Read your post from last week and remember what a great feeling it gave you when you did not take them.

    If you feel like it is going to be to big of a temptation or cause extra anxiety at this stage stay home it's not worth risking it. There's no shame in that. Do what you need to and stay strong.

    Xoxox
    That's what I'm thinking, sunshine. I may just be better off saying I have too much work to do for my online classes and need to stay home. I know taking 1, or 2, or 10 won't help me in this. Half of my mind is still just obsessed over them. Thanks for the support. You're right. I'm going back to readhow strong I was last week, and bask in that win for now. Hope you have an UP day overall! xoxo
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  27. #177
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Lol....I can give you advice on the excercise. Finally figured something out in this mess of things. Your doing too much. Your body is going thru allot right now and you don't need to tire it out as well, you need to kick the endorphines in with the excercise not get the body in shape. I did the same thing I would hit the pavement hard in the morn and be wore out. Slow it down but get the excercise in. I found that if I walk fast do a hill or two just a little to have a few minutes of cardio it helped so much more than going over board. We want this to be over so we think more is better..,tried it and it did not work.

    If you stay home and it helps we can post on commercials...this way you won't be by yourself....I'll hang with you...
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  28. #178
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I think you're right. I feel like the harder I try, the faster it will work. Yesterday after the 2nd run, I was basically glued to the couch & hating myself for it. I'm gonna take it easier today. So far, I've done more around the house this morn than I did all day yesterday. Hubs is cleaning the floors for me, but I made breakfast & started some laundry. Progress.

    Kiddo says she doesn't want to go to grandmas without mommy. I can't keep up with her here by myself right now. I know she'd have fun anyway, but makes me feel sad, like I'm checking out on her, never doing things with her, like I always used to. Feeling guilty about being only semi- present right now. It's for the best, right? One day I'll be one hundred percent present mommy, which I guess I've never REALLY been. Thought I was but all a fog I suppose.

    Going out for a nice, slow walk. Maybe that will help ease my crazy head.,

  29. #179
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Going to in laws anyway. I'll be depressed here by myself. And the honest truth is I don't want what's in the med cabinet. I don't wanna start this over for one "happier" afternoon. Taking my laptop so I can work on classes if I need to focus on something. So I can still post on commercials. I'll def be coming back to hear supportive words..... Another test today, but I'm pretty sure if I passed last week, I can pass again today. The TITAN battles on. Gotta go watch the pack put those dirty birds in their place!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-18-2015 at 02:59 PM. Reason: Typo

  30. #180
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    End of 1st quarter..... Did part of the Seattle defense stay home???

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