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Detox in full force, need help
  1. #241
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Lol...on the let it go song....we love it in this house and will scream and sing to it together... I don't even have young ones. Held my nephew again last night....it was so nice. A week old. So sweet!! Going to listen to the K Perry song when I get in the car. I liked to listen to the Frey song How to Save A Life and the struggle of how much drugs affect others in your life and how much others need and care for you. Really not getting clean is selfish and hurts so many others around you.

    Bad news here the sun is leaving me for a few days.....not happy at all... But I am not going to let it get me down going to push right thru it. Going to get my walk in today as we are scheduled for rain the next two days. Summer can not get here quick enough!!!

  2. #242
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I know what you mean about the sun leaving.... it's gone now for me, too. Rainy, maybe snow & ice, YUCK! I KNOW I felt better when the sun came out, I just hope it wasn't as connected as I think it is in my head. Maybe we really DID feel better anyway and the last few days of warm sun gave us enough vitamin D to get through the gloomy days. I sure do hope you have a great day sunshine. I'll check in every chance I get! xoxo

  3. #243
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    I sure hope we were not having great days with the sun or I am in for a rough next few days. Yes I think our sunny days will get us thru these next gloomy days.

    I found something positive maybe for you and sunshine it hit earlier but since I skipped the wd portion as I did the taper (still laugh about how scared I was and cutting my pill to chips to avoid it). I realize with all the struggles we are so much further along. I know its been three weeks and with the mental being so much harder I dont feel like I am improving. But I am not scared of letting go and know I can make it without them. Don't know why it just came to me but it did.
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  4. #244
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I know exactly what you mean! I feel better, I feel different, but I sure thought I was going to feel A LOT better by now. I did the wds....hard. And thought I would be so happy to have those feelings gone, that I'd be well..... happy by now. And really, I'm not. The impatient person inside me is fighting a battle with the determined person inside me. And seriously, if I don't stop dreaming about pills soon...... driving me CRAAAZY! They are everywhere in my dreams, then I wake up and think... awe, I sure did want that to be real. But deep down, I know I really don't. It would only take away the anxiety for a very short time, then I'd be back in the same dark hole I have partially climbed out of already.

    One very strong thing I did today: got a call from a hookup during my first class. Begging me to help take some stuff off his hands. I waited til class ended, shaking the whole time thinking "what do I say?". But guess what? Soon as class ended, I came out to my car, called him and politely said "no thanks". WOW. Half of me is saying "you idiot" but I know that's my old "friend" on my shoulder saying that.... not me. So although I don't feel enough improvement, I can hear the real me in there again. It is getting better, it has to be. Battling on!TITANS we are!

    xoxo
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  5. #245
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    The anxiety just won't let up. I keep trying to find ways to get out of it. Sunshine got clonidine and I am wondering if it's sone magic drug that helps get the mind kick started. Everyone says it helps. If her dr percribed it maybe I shoukd try it. At this point I don't care I just want relief. The excercise helps but not really. Although I see progress I Just see struggle and anxiety. When I look at the future I see anxiety.

    Good for you and not taking. You need to let them know not to call, maybe lie and tell them you don't have a dime to your name and its not looking any better any time soon. Can you do a block on your phone? If they really cared about you they would not call they only care about lining their pockets for there own problems. Not your problem. Maybe tell them you were busted and the cops are following you.....that will stop them. They need to go away this is making me mad!!!!!!!!!!

    At least your dreams are at night. I will see something like a q-tip or a piece of popcorn and my mouth starts to water and my brain automatically kicks in so hard. The anxiety,knots in my stomach, and half my brain want to give in so bad. Then my back pain starts kicking in. Why could I not have been one of those ppl on here that says I have not even thought about them all day. Half my brains dreams about taking handfuls. But over all it's been a good day same anxiety as I always have. Yes the weather is gloomy. I am so glad it's going to be the weekend and I have kids and hubby to keep me occupied.

    On the bright side my son got his psat scores back and will be sent home on Tues. I know he did well because I got a notice for him to take ap classes. Unfortunately the math section did not go well as he forgot his calculator for the test. Can't wait to tell you how he did on the science!!!
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  6. #246
    eyenstyne is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sadmommy13 View Post
    One very strong thing I did today: got a call from a hookup during my first class. Begging me to help take some stuff off his hands. I waited til class ended, shaking the whole time thinking "what do I say?". But guess what? Soon as class ended, I came out to my car, called him and politely said "no thanks". WOW. Half of me is saying "you idiot" but I know that's my old "friend" on my shoulder saying that.... not me. So although I don't feel enough improvement, I can hear the real me in there again. It is getting better, it has to be. Battling on!TITANS we are!

    xoxo
    It is amazing how misery seems to love and thrive on company. The morons calling you cannot stand the thought of you being so strong and keep offering up their misery to you. I have one so-called friend that is relentless about not figuring out the fact that I am done with his stupid "great deals." LOL! It's always through a text that I will answer him and it is always the cleantime app screen I text him back with. I can almost hear him turning green with envy after I click send. LOL!

    I am as clean as a fresh fallen snow over here in my world even though life around me has kicked the >>>> out of me in many ways since I last posted here.

    I am excited for you SadMommy because I absolutely know that in just a few more short weeks you are going to feel like you are king of your very own mountain. I was a fitness freak for many years (even when I was zonked) up until about 2 years ago. I have always had a saying when it came to my weight lifting if I took a little hiatus, "The yearn to burn WILL return" and I'm proud to say I have been in the gym 23 days in a row and have no plans to stop again any time soon. Yes, I am physically gimped because of my shoulders still, but where there is a will there's a way and I am amazed at how fast my muscles have come back to life.

    I am sorry for not being here, but I got hit really hard with some very personal issues and between traveling back and forth to a couple of states away a few times and trying to stay focused on getting my butt in a gym. I really needed to prioritize my time and my sanity. I will be honest though, I knew I was going to eventually log back in here and see that you were still clean. Congratulations! I knew you had this and yes, there are dark days during the process, but I am at the point myself where they are a thing of the past and you will absolutely be able to say that yourself soon enough.

    As far as your supplements for fitness go, they are called supplements for a reason. The bottom line is there is no laboratory recipe that surpasses what the actual food they are trying to supplement will give you. In my opinion, whey protein is a good idea if you simply do not have a "whey" to get protein from actually eating something. The only other supplement I think is worthwhile is Creatine. I have tried just about every item GNC sells and 99 percent of it is snake oil. Try to eat 5 or 6 small meals a day that are high in protein, low in fat and have a decent amount of complex Carbohydrates. If you eat like the machine you want your body to become, you will become the machine.

    I am extremely happy for you, you've had this thing beat since day one.

    One last thing: Go Patriots! ummm,, sorry! LOL!
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  7. #247
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by eyenstyne View Post
    It is amazing how misery seems to love and thrive on company. The morons calling you cannot stand the thought of you being so strong and keep offering up their misery to you. I have one so-called friend that is relentless about not figuring out the fact that I am done with his stupid "great deals." LOL! It's always through a text that I will answer him and it is always the cleantime app screen I text him back with. I can almost hear him turning green with envy after I click send. LOL!

    I am as clean as a fresh fallen snow over here in my world even though life around me has kicked the >>>> out of me in many ways since I last posted here.

    I am excited for you SadMommy because I absolutely know that in just a few more short weeks you are going to feel like you are king of your very own mountain. I was a fitness freak for many years (even when I was zonked) up until about 2 years ago. I have always had a saying when it came to my weight lifting if I took a little hiatus, "The yearn to burn WILL return" and I'm proud to say I have been in the gym 23 days in a row and have no plans to stop again any time soon. Yes, I am physically gimped because of my shoulders still, but where there is a will there's a way and I am amazed at how fast my muscles have come back to life.

    I am sorry for not being here, but I got hit really hard with some very personal issues and between traveling back and forth to a couple of states away a few times and trying to stay focused on getting my butt in a gym. I really needed to prioritize my time and my sanity. I will be honest though, I knew I was going to eventually log back in here and see that you were still clean. Congratulations! I knew you had this and yes, there are dark days during the process, but I am at the point myself where they are a thing of the past and you will absolutely be able to say that yourself soon enough.

    As far as your supplements for fitness go, they are called supplements for a reason. The bottom line is there is no laboratory recipe that surpasses what the actual food they are trying to supplement will give you. In my opinion, whey protein is a good idea if you simply do not have a "whey" to get protein from actually eating something. The only other supplement I think is worthwhile is Creatine. I have tried just about every item GNC sells and 99 percent of it is snake oil. Try to eat 5 or 6 small meals a day that are high in protein, low in fat and have a decent amount of complex Carbohydrates. If you eat like the machine you want your body to become, you will become the machine.

    I am extremely happy for you, you've had this thing beat since day one.

    One last thing: Go Patriots! ummm,, sorry! LOL!
    HEEEEYYYYYY! You have no idea how big the smile on my face is to hear from you eye! I'm heading into my lab class now and this gave me just the smile I needed! I hate to hear that you've had struggles going on and I do hope things are getting better in that respect. But as you saw in the last post I wrote to you, I knew you didn't reset the counter. I understand the need to move on, just as much I understand the need to stick around. I get both sides. But I sure am happy to hear from you. My counter is still ticking, weeks now.....not seconds. And you were right....I did not die, as I thought I would those first few days, when you reassured me I wouldn't!

    I can't say I'm happy. I still struggle a lot with the mental part.But I've held on. Today makes the fourth time I either turned away from the medicine cabinet or just told someone NO. I deleted all of their numbers long ago, and I don't answer when they call, but they leave messages. Good idea to block every new one. I'm sick of knowing when they are or are not floating around.

    Not another Patriots fan! Come superbowl weekend, I'll be ready to talk some trash if you check in !0

    The davep Disclaimer: This does not make me a loyal 12! I am only staying on the NFC side! Just for the record!
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  8. #248
    eyenstyne is offline New Member
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    You are going to be able to say you are happy, you are almost there. It will happen pretty much all of a sudden. What will happen is you will go a couple of days without even thinking about using anything and the weight of the world and all that stress will disappear just as the thought of using anything did.

    I actually found a 60 OP under my recliner a few days ago, I looked at it as fate because I picked it up and laughed a little to myself and walked in the bathroom and flushed it right down the drain where it belonged. It really told me where my head is at and the reason I laughed was because I couldn't hep but think "Man, how in the heck does a responsible drug addict ever not know he is missing a 60 OP?"

    I hate the fact the Patriots were caught using under inflated balls, but I can't blame the players for that, I don't even think Bellichick was involved with this one. I have always liked going to the gym the morning of a Patriots game, just in case they were to become shorthanded I always wanted to feel like I could play if they needed me. LOL! How stupid is that? The sad part is it always helped me through my workouts and what's even more stupid is, I never would have passed the drug test. :-)
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  9. #249
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by eyenstyne View Post
    You are going to be able to say you are happy, you are almost there. It will happen pretty much all of a sudden. What will happen is you will go a couple of days without even thinking about using anything and the weight of the world and all that stress will disappear just as the thought of using anything did.

    I actually found a 60 OP under my recliner a few days ago, I looked at it as fate because I picked it up and laughed a little to myself and walked in the bathroom and flushed it right down the drain where it belonged. It really told me where my head is at and the reason I laughed was because I couldn't hep but think "Man, how in the heck does a responsible drug addict ever not know he is missing a 60 OP?"

    I hate the fact the Patriots were caught using under inflated balls, but I can't blame the players for that, I don't even think Bellichick was involved with this one. I have always liked going to the gym the morning of a Patriots game, just in case they were to become shorthanded I always wanted to feel like I could play if they needed me. LOL! How stupid is that? The sad part is it always helped me through my workouts and what's even more stupid is, I never would have passed the drug test. :-)
    Gosh, I am happy to hear your LOLs. I think somehow you always gave me a reason to keep laughing. I am so glad you came back to check in. For you to tell me that I WILL be king of my own mountain, I so believe you. I believed you from the first post. That means a lot, because hope (and motivation, and energy, and enthusiasm) are currently the hardest things for me to come by. I am SO ready for the day I feel on top of this again.

    I had to laugh at the "responsible drug addict" comment. Funny, ironic. Good for you for flushing. I'm pretty sure I couldn't have done THAT.... yet.

    Regarding exercise and supplements, I have always eaten relatively well. High cholesterol runs in my family so only high protein fats have been fed to me since I was 6, when dad had his 1st heartattack. I didn't have anything fried between the ages of 6 to 18. Then I started college and discovered just how tasty fast food really is. I do know the right way to eat. Just I still barely even wanna eat. I drink ensure, I eat eggs, I am sooooo effin' sick of almonds. Hard part is making sure I can prepare and take those many small meals with me during the day. Right now, it takes everything I have to make noodles for my kid. So, should I just start eating peanut butter all day or what? lol

    If you do end up standing in for a Pat during the superbowl.... now that you CAN pass the drug test and all, make sure you let me know which number to watch for I MIGHT even end up rooting for the AFC if I knew you were playing.So glad to came back to check in..... this REALLY has made my day.

    And next time I get the hookup text or message..... I'm sending back my clean app shot. I'm not even sure they all know yet. But I do know they miss my money. Which I am more than happy to have back!

  10. #250
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    The anxiety just won't let up. I keep trying to find ways to get out of it. Sunshine got clonidine and I am wondering if it's sone magic drug that helps get the mind kick started. Everyone says it helps. If her dr percribed it maybe I shoukd try it. At this point I don't care I just want relief. The excercise helps but not really. Although I see progress I Just see struggle and anxiety. When I look at the future I see anxiety.

    Good for you and not taking. You need to let them know not to call, maybe lie and tell them you don't have a dime to your name and its not looking any better any time soon. Can you do a block on your phone? If they really cared about you they would not call they only care about lining their pockets for there own problems. Not your problem. Maybe tell them you were busted and the cops are following you.....that will stop them. They need to go away this is making me mad!!!!!!!!!!

    At least your dreams are at night. I will see something like a q-tip or a piece of popcorn and my mouth starts to water and my brain automatically kicks in so hard. The anxiety,knots in my stomach, and half my brain want to give in so bad. Then my back pain starts kicking in. Why could I not have been one of those ppl on here that says I have not even thought about them all day. Half my brains dreams about taking handfuls. But over all it's been a good day same anxiety as I always have. Yes the weather is gloomy. I am so glad it's going to be the weekend and I have kids and hubby to keep me occupied.

    On the bright side my son got his psat scores back and will be sent home on Tues. I know he did well because I got a notice for him to take ap classes. Unfortunately the math section did not go well as he forgot his calculator for the test. Can't wait to tell you how he did on the science!!!
    You made me LOL at the q-tip..... bc I had a q-tip dream!!!! No joke. I dreamed that I took a shower, got out, opened the jar of q-tips, and all of the ends were hydros. So, how much of a coincidence is THAT? So now, we both see balls of cotton as pills?? We are way too much alike. Imagining your mouth watering over a q-tip makes me LOL. You knw, only in a good way. Not bc your struggling, only bc I can so very much relate

    Can't wait to hear about his scores. I bet he blew them outta the water. Maybe tonight you can give him a lesson on the dangers or organic solvents, versus inorganic ones? I'll help ya out anytime

  11. #251
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    It is funny..but even funnier is that instead of throwing the q-tip away that time because I was too busy day dreaming of eating the q-tip I saw it the next day...same thing....it was thrown away at that point... That made my day us being so much alike. We could never go out for a qucik lunch because we would be there for hours swapping stories. I think in reality we have way more in common than pills.

    My son learned about moles or for short mol. He came home and he never tells me what he learns but today he was real excited about it. Of course I replied (thinking well it's not the rodent) so I said oh like a mole on your skin. Well then I got, "no mom it's a unit of measure.... Something to the something power......" then a bunch of words I did not know. Ok really after he said it was a unit of measure I was lost. This is his first year in chem. I was so mad he tried to sign up for astronomy as an elective this year and the counselor told him he could not double up on acedemics and had to take an "elective" so they put him in rec games. Easy A - play cards. Well that won't happen again as I met with assistant principal and a few others. The next two years all electives will be science.

    Another day down!!!!! My favorite time of day....sleep soon and then I dont have to deal with anxiety for 8 hours!!!!!! Well that's if I don't toss and turn and wake with it. I did get to babysit my week old nephew for 1.5 hrs while mommy went to the store. They are sooooo sweet it's even cute when they fart.
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  12. #252
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Okay, okay, I got you covered on the mole part. A mole is an amount, a "unit", like a dozen.. If I said I bought a dozen donuts, you would know how many I meant, right? I meant 12. If I said I bought a case of canned drinks, you would know I meant 24. A mole in chemistry is just like a dozen in a donut shop. Just a number of items.

    Technically, is it called Avogadro's number and it means 6.022 times ten to the 23rd power particles of anything.
    1 mole = 6.022 x 10^23 atoms
    1 dozen = 12 eggs

  13. #253
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    And LOL at "eating the q tip"
    I will never be able to clean my ears without laughing (or getting hungry??) lol

  14. #254
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Getting Happier Mommy..../ Part 12th Lady....Go Hawks...Been away for a couple days...But reading up as much as I can tonight!! Nice Job once again....on that BEAST call.....He can be Very sneaky....and for a moment...even sound Kinda Good....BUT.....Just Play the whole tape in your head.....Like...I get a few.....then what??? Lie to everyone on here....or fess up.....or just quit posting?? Just glad Your realizing it's NOT WORTH IT!! Believe ME....I caved enough times for ALL of YOU....and have had to go through this Pain Way Too Many Times!! Don't let that Be You....or You Sunshine's....TITANS...YOU ARE!!.. Hope You have a Great Friday...with at least some Good Moments with a little more energy!! Stay Strong Mommy!!..Connection...Value the oneness of life...and experience the sacred! Scientists tell us that everything in the universe is made of energy and therefore all life is connected--in fact, separation is an illusion! When we make a deep and real connection with others, we can find strength and hope in our relationships, and discover that we are never really alone!!.xo
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  15. #255
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks davep for the uplift. I am feeling stronger by the day, just still so anxious that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I try to find the positive, and focus on that, and just let the anxiety pass, like a wave, just like I did during the really hard wds. I saw a stupid cheesy dance movie on TV....I would not recommend it and do not even remember the name.... but I remember the main guys big line was "If you can change the way you think, you can change your life". Scientists say is takes 66 days to change a habit, even a non-addictive one.... on one side, that makes me feel like that is soooo far away, but I'm trying to look at it the other way- I'm one third of the way there. I mean, I know it will be a part of me always, but it helps thinking I may not feel so abnormal without it sooner than rather than later.

    I really like what you said about interconnected energy. I definitely think there was something fateful about me ending up here when I did. I feel less alone typing on these threads than I have in real life, in a very long time. Thanks for the uplift. Hope you have a great day.

    p.s. I am a loyal NFC fan. Never a bird....
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  16. #256
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Finally!!!!!!!!! A number!!!!! something we can look forward to and be able to say ok after 66 days my brain is now just starting to let go. We are already committed to daves celebration in feb and now we have something else to look forward to after that. I am sorry but the give it time thing is so uncertain and its so hard for me when I don't see improvement with my anxiety and like you I have this weight that drags me down and won't go away.

    I think I like the numbers game better. I know what you mean about fate. I say to myself why did I taper so long..I was taking only one pill or less for over a month. If I had jumped in beginning Dec I might be further away from the anxiety??? Because I did not and fate has it that I paired up with you as my buddy and sunshine and we are at the exact same time frame so I am ok with that. It worked out better for me!!!!
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  17. #257
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Yes, I thought the same thing! I just read an article on the web about breaking habits, it wasn't necessarily about addictive habits, but good advice nonetheless. Even if the 66 days offers comfort, only kind of a placebo effect comfort, at least it is another goal. Rather than just waiting and waiting and feeling not different enough from day to day to really feel improvement.

    I think about it like this: when I was pregnant, I ddn't really gain a whole lot of water weight until the last month or so... that's when I blew up like a balloon. Hubs told me every day that I looked no different. Of course, he could have just been being nice, but really he didn't see the change as much because he watched it daily for months. But then after she was born, he saw a picture of me taken as I was heading in the hospital.... and he said "whoa, I never even knew you got THAT big" LOL.

    Point being, we may not be able to notice the little daily changes, because we are facing the same things every single day. But one day, we will look back at this an say "Whoa! Things are a lot different now!" Just gotta keep puttig one foot in front of the other was we rack to these days together. And I have no doubt this would be a lot harder for me with you riding it out with me!!
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  18. #258
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Today has been hard, the rain, extreme lack of sun, and cold was more than I had in me to deal with. I finally gave in.....it was the only thing left in me as there was no fighting it. There was two options fall or do nothing so of course I chose the second option. I hate it I feel like my progress went down the drain of trying to put one step in front of the other. I did not take a step back and still get to keep keep counting my days but hate that I gave into the lack of motivation and have not a thing to show for the day. Only because we are completely out of cat food (even the can of tuna is now gone) will I now be forced to go the store. I hope sitting around being anxious and thinking about how bad I hate feeling like this all day does not stop my brain healing that little tiny tiny amount. I desperately need the minsicual of healing to happen every day. All those tiny bits will start to add up. I don't want anything to mess with my 66 day goal. Partially sunny for tomorrow!!

  19. #259
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I am still right here with you! The weather made it impossible to comfortably walk or run today outside. I couldn't go to the gym at work bc I had to call in with kiddo having fever. So, no exercise. I'm eating cans of tuna for protein at this point. Hoping for that to give me the natural energy I need.

    And now.... my mom shows up for the weekend. She lives 5 hrs away and came to play with my girl, just spend time with her. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my mother with so much of my heart, but so so many of my personal issue stem from issues she and I when I was young. She is a wonderful, loving mother, but I have a lot of built up feelings that I used pills to numb me through, instead of just talking with her about it. She has serious mental issues in her family, and so I do not blame her for any of MY personal issues. But tonight, being so early on in the process of taking care of me, it is going to be hard to keep closed mouth around her. I have not been around her in years without a crutch, without something to numb me and keep my mouth closed. I a battling right now to maintain my strength and show her the love that I truly have for her in my heart.

    In the last few hours, my anxiety has gone from moderate to excessive. Pray for me. I would cave in a second right now if the choice were there. I simply have not dealt with these feelings yet.... and I'm really not mentally ready to!

  20. #260
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    On the positive note at least we like to hit our bad days together. I truly feel for you. My side of the family has some serious mental issues and there is no way on earth I could handle my mom for a few days. Don't get me started on my sister I feel bad as I am her support system but since this whole thing I don't have it in me to even speak with her. The only time I messed up with my taper was speaking to her so I had to cut her off temporarly. She doesn't even know why.. I love her but can't deal with her issues in my frame of mine. If I had to deal with her for more than a few hours in the next month I would throw the towel in. She lives 8 hours away so we don't have to worry about that.

    Its very liberating to let your mom know how you feel and the issues she caused and to speak about them. I did and so glad I did it was good to let it go. However it was a very big blow up and a year later we barely speak. So you will need to keep your mouth shut if you think it is going to set her off. Your very fragile. Make up excuses she is there to see kiddo, migraine, you need to run out, if she starts getting to you take a break and come post, vent, run, shower, vent to hubby. Do whatever!!! I feel for you and am right here for you!! BIG XOXOXO
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  21. #261
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    THANK YOU. I was so hoping to see your response when I checked back in. Things are okay for now. I have my mother's face-to-face fake genes down to an art. So, II'm being social for a few minutes, then retreating for a few minutes. I'm glad to see her having so much fun with my girl, so trying to focus on that.

    She and I also had a big blow up about 2 years ago and did not speak for months. She basically said she blamed me for her husband's death, because he prayed every night that my daughter would be born healthy (I had gyn issues that suggested she might not be born healthy), but thankfully, she was and still is fine. At the time I was pregnant, my stepdad was doing kidney dialysis two days a week. I unintentionally scheduled my csection for one of his dialysis days, he skipped his appt to be here with me, 5 hours away from their home, and he died two days after she was born from electrolyte imbalance from missing the dialysis. He only held her and kissed her once. I didn't ever really blame myself until she came right out and said that he traded places with my girl. He told God that if she could be born healthy, to take him instead. So...... any guilt I was already feeling was compounded by about 200x hearing my mother say that to me, about my daughter being a trade for him. It's hard for me to even think about, as I used pills to numb these feelings ever since then. The amount of guilt I carry over this is suffocating sometimes. All coming to a head now that she is here. Just trying to make it a peaceful, and fun evening form my kiddo with her Grandma, right now, those memories are most important.

    I hope your evening has been good, sunshine. Any fun plans for the weekend? I think the sun is coming out tomorrow here, too. I am ready to get outside and walk this stress away! xoxo

  22. #262
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    I was going to mention about the step father last time you posted but thought better. She wanted someone to blame. You know being a scientific person that it does not work that way a life for a life. Honestly who prays for one life for another....that is messed up!!!! You pray for all, nobody has a higher power to make a trade. I don't think it works like that. There was several people involved in the appointment he missed. The c-sec was planned and you did not do it on purpose, he could have asked you to reschedule, and your mom could have got on the phone to you and told you to not let him come until after his appt. There is a million if's.

    My mom was on life support and she was not suppose to live and someone told me as I felt so bad because II was not there for her that guilt is a useless emotion. You can not change it you can only move on and make things better. In this case any guilt you feel is useless. I know your step father would never want you to feel that way. Nothing I can say will make this go away or get easier but your mother is not allowed to manipulate your feelings. Not then, not now, nor in the future.

    You are taking the higher road and enjoying it. Your daughter deserves family and your mother, let this be there time!! Perhaps the joy of her will help to heal what's between you. Xoxox. I will keep checking in. I stayed real close to the board today.
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  23. #263
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    That is exactly what I am doing.... taking the higher road. I would rather my daughter have great memories of her NiNi than open up the closet right now. I now on my mom's end, it is/was all misplaced guilt. At the time, she was grieving and hurt and downright heartbroken. I know deep down she loves my daughter so very much, otherwise she wouldn't drive 5 hours on her own to just be here to play with her. If these feelings had just come out initially, instead of being repressed, there probably would have been no resentment on either side. But I escaped by numbing myself and separating myself, and now that the fog has lifted, I'll have to deal with this internally, for now. And that's ok. Day by day, minute by minute. As long as love is guiding my decisions, I know I am doing the right thing. But gosh darn, THESE are the times I would really rely on a crutch. I seriously have not been this anxious since week 1. Taking the high road! Letting them spend good, happy times together. In the long run, the love is all that maters. Past.... well, it's just that.... Past. Right?
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  24. #264
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    davep- I know you've already checked in today. But next time you are able, send me another hallmark post.Pretty please. I am an emotionally torn up mess at the moment. Too many repressed emotions flooding me at once with Mom here. I can;t sleep. And NO, I did not have any preworkout, lol. Just so much stress over what I have numbed myself through. All I can do is read and re-read my thread, and try to play this gosh darn g chord. Neither of which is making me feel very calm or strong at the moment.

  25. #265
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Ok Mommy....hang in there!! It's the weekend....and things will be OK.....Trust Me!! But....make sure you get some exercise if YOU can tomorrow!!....Sorry that your feeling all torn up tonight...That's good that you stay close by Your thread....And...I'm glad I was near tonight....So....lets see....some of these might be repeating.....but trying to pick out a good one for U....My Titan....NFC Fan Mommy....Commitment...Maintain a clear, consistent intention to take action...and bring forth New possibilities in your life! Commitment is holding a clear and consistent intention to take a new course of action, no matter how daunting any possible obstacles may seem! When we are living addictively we are not very good at making or keeping commitments--we promise ourselves or our loved ones we will make changes, but then we don't follow through! Changing course can be a frightening prospect--so instead we use manipulation to get our own way. But finding and maintaining our recovery means we have to be willing to FULLY commit to a new way of being! With commitment, we stay focused on achieving our Goals!! Commitment opens the doors of imagination, allows vision, and gives us the "Right Stuff" to turn our dreams into reality!!...Hope that Helps Mommy...Stay Strong My NFC....getting Happier Mommy!!xo
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  26. #266
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Well....hopefully your getting some well deserved sleep!! In any event....I hope YOU wake up with some energy....at least to cook that awesome Breakfast I read about....SaaaaWeeeeT!...Talk to you all tomorrow.....sweet dreams Mommy!! Oh....and by all means...Stay Strong...NFC Rooting Mommy....xo

  27. #267
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Have a good day mommy!! Sun is out!!!!

  28. #268
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you thank you. Uplifting words I very much needed. I made a spectacular breakfast for everyone. I am maintaining composure & trying to exude nothing but love. Taking on the same mantra as with housework..... Just let it go! Holding in the resentment isn't going to help anything. And right now, letting it all out won't help either. So I'm just trying to keep busy & let them play. I know a lot of the bad past btwn mom & I is partly my fault as well so there's no reason to place blame or point fingers. Just trying to let love guide me right now. They are all having fun, and I am hanging tough. As usual!

    Thanks for the post, and then even waiting around for a repost. Definitely started my day out on the right foot to wake up to your encouragement.

    It's a beautiful sunny day. We are going to the park after lunch, which will be fun. It's so crazy that I held in so many feelings with the meds, at times like this it seems they come like flood waters. But today is just another stone for a stepper! I'm gonna keep on stepping! Thank you for being there. As always, it means so much, as you know. I hope you have a wonderful day davep. Your words are so powerfully uplifting. If I could send u a virtual breakfast, I would!
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  29. #269
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I know sunshine! And today has started out pretty good so far! I am still taking the high road! Even forced smiles spread cheer to others, right? Thanks for hanging with me last night and letting me vent. It was like therapy that helped me see the true value of mom being here. The past isn't worth dragging down my future, at least not right now.

    We are going to the park to let kiddo ride get new bike. I hope you & the fam get out for some fun times today too! Xoxo I'll post at u soon! Enjoy this wonderful sun!
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  30. #270
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    So far so good. Everyone had a good time at the park.... but I must say kiddo needs A LOT of bike riding practice, lol. She has no idea what she is doing, feet barely reaching the pedals. But it is cute and funny and everyone was laughing. I swear the sun make my overall mood and coping ability a hundred times better.

    I've been doing really good at just taking the negative thoughts are pushing them away. But of course, Mom makes a comment every now and again that just strikes the wrong kind of chord. I have only changed the subject. God bless her, but she is the queen of indirect manipulation. But, Nothing negative will be spoken from my mouth in regards to what is done and past. Love, love, love. That's all I am focused on today. Kids are very good a sensing things- and mine definitely knows when I am sad or stressed or nervous- because she starts acting the exact same way. So, even if it is hard to feel complete forgiveness when the little remarks are said, I'm just....well, staying on the higher road so that she will not feel anything negative towards her grandma. All in all, I'm doing pretty good.

    I walked almost 2 miles at the park. That felt good. We are going to dinner in a little bit. Hopefully, I can continue to just.... let it go...... and love everyone!

    I hope everyone is happy today. I am going to appreciate this as an UP day. Because at least focusing on controlling my emotions is different from what I am normally focused on every day. Change of mental scenery, if you will. Trying to spread those sun beams from the inside. No doubt, I'll be back sooner rather than later for my daily doses of motivation and support. LOVE to all. xoxo
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