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Detoxing tomorrow
  1. #61
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jax124 View Post
    Jeffro-
    Wow such encouraging words! Thank you so much! Cmon day 4!!!!!! I'm ready. I just hate these hot and cold sweats uggh!
    day 4 is awesome Jax. by tomorrow most of that will be going away!
    I don't know what you are taking but I was on a clonodine and xanex program for the first week. I think after about day 5 I switched to only using those at night. After day 6 I stopped the xanex and cut back to only 1/2 a clonodine (0.05mg) at bed time. The clonodine if you havent used it will help you sleep a lot or at least it did for me. If you dont have access to either of those do NOT despair my friend! There are tons of folks on here that had a worse habit than you and used nothing but some vitamins and a lot of willpower.

    If you want an amazing example of this go read ephil's story. He is like my hero If you scroll down i think his thread is called going cold turkey day 1-10 or something similar. Really worth the 45 min read! Plus it will keep you busy for 45 min! YAY!!

    Stay strong bro.
    Your pal,
    Jeffro
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-19-2015 at 08:12 AM. Reason: spelling

  2. #62
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Man today has been rough I have to admit. Found myself having to leave work in a full on panic attack. I didn't take anything for it, no xanex or anything just drove myself to an NA meeting. Felt a little better afterwards.

    Its like I'm having panic attacks all morning long until 2-4pm then like a black fog it lifts and I feel normal the rest of the day. I know its part of the process but its so hard to deal with. Hard to get yourself thinking and acting rationally.

    I hope this will get better soon.

    Jeffro

  3. #63
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Just checking in on yah, Jeffro. A daily battle, I know but you have this one. It does get better--I swear it does. I was blessed enough to not have to deal with panic attacks (probably the only symptom I was spared!). I was totally and utterly fatigued. I convinced myself to just keep walking through it for the rest of today.

    Hope tomorrow is better for you. I'm glad that you post daily so that I don't have to hunt you down. I do check, just don't always take the time to post.

    Peace,

    Cat

  4. #64
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by jeffro6527 View Post
    Man today has been rough I have to admit. Found myself having to leave work in a full on panic attack. I didn't take anything for it, no xanex or anything just drove myself to an NA meeting. Felt a little better afterwards.

    Its like I'm having panic attacks all morning long until 2-4pm then like a black fog it lifts and I feel normal the rest of the day. I know its part of the process but its so hard to deal with. Hard to get yourself thinking and acting rationally.

    I hope this will get better soon.

    Jeffro

    Amen Brother! Meetings has saved plenty of us from making the same mistake that got us here in the first place. Exercise is another stress reliever which helps keep the attacks down in many cases.

    -Randy

  5. #65
    Paulyhadthepink is offline New Member
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    Hang in there bro! No quitin now! And your damn right...it's part of the process. It sux. I remember those attacks. Just remember your brain is trying to figure out what gear it's in....keep peddling!

  6. #66
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 10 - never going back again.

    Its funny because no matter how hard this gets it only fuels and reminds me how much going back would be a death sentence. I will not cave, I can not.

    Just got to work after finding an NA meeting this morning. Really helped a lot. Met 2 good guys, 1 of which took the time to talk to me for a good 30 min after the meeting. This is the best I have felt at this time of day in a while. Although I know I need to be careful what I think about because it can turn pretty quickly on me.

    Still fightin the good fight.
    Your old pal,
    Jeffro

  7. #67
    Ilovemtndogs7 is offline Advanced Member
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    Way to go Jeff. It seems like a lot of people quit posting. It's good to see you're still on here. I still have anxiety, not all the time,at 30+ days. Hang tough. Miss Dogs

  8. #68
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 11- one step closer to heaven.

    Thanks again to everyone for all your support through this time. Yesterday was amazing. I dont know if it will last or not but the panic and anxiety dropped considerably to what I would call liveable for sure. Just need to stay busy and keep an active role in my recvoery.

    Today I am going on an epic adventure with a trusted friend and mentor. We are doing a bike and hike combo over a very large mountain. The best part? Its gonna take 8 hours Just knowing im 100% safe for 8 hours regardless of myself feels so good. Its like I can not worry about it for that period of time today.

    Tomorrow I am spending the whole day with my wife and daughter another amazingly comforting feeling!

    Monday: I am going to see 2 addicition therapists and leave for a work trip.

    The point is I am finally able to look forward just a little without having a complete panic attack.
    Riding and working out everyday has helped too, combine those with no appetite the last 2 weeks and I'm looking ready to race (on the outside at least haha).

    Ill be out of town most the week working but will be posting here daily as well as going to several NA meetings while I am there, Ive already scouted it and there are plenty.

    So incredibly grateful to be on day 11.
    Your old pal,
    Jeffro

  9. #69
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Hey Jeffro. Coming by your thread to check in on you, and I am so glad to hear that your days are getting better and better. I think it is great you have already found some friends from the meetings-- that will keep you on the up swing in this battle. My friends from this board, just talking to people that can relate to my feelings, that has probably been the most valuable tool for me. You will have an easier time than I did!!! I can feel it in your words! And, taking those patches to be destroyed.... that is HUGE! You've already got this thing beat. So proud to hear that you are doing so well. Keep it up!

  10. #70
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 12

    Well all I can say is I hope today goes as well as yesterday! Yesterday was incredible! Didn't have time to think or worry just had to do things. As a result didn't have anxiety or panic at all the whole day. Came home and took my wife on a dinner date then just enjoyed the rest of the evening together. We planned a jam packed full day for today also, family has got me doing all sorts of things that would normally be out of my comfort range! I think I am finally seeing normality coming back. Its not picture perfect but its still WAY better than living as a slave to drugs.

    Whoever said sleep is the last thing to come back is so RIGHT! After traversing the 2nd largest mountain peak in our area you would think I slept like a baby last night? haha nope! Couldn't fall asleep then was up toss and turning from about 4am on. All good though all in all I can handle this symptom far better than some of its uglier friends that stop by for a visit!!!

    Oh ya another victory I forgot about! When I got home and was putting my gear away a little pill container fell out of my pack. It had 2 pills in it. Didn't even consider it! Grabbed them and ran them straight to the toilet and flushed them! I yelled GO AWAY and DONT COME BACK the whole time! haha stupid pills, they're tricky sons of guns I will give them that, but that is all I will give them.

    Standing tall finally after 12 days.
    Your pal,
    Jeffro
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  11. #71
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 13-- a new challenge

    Day 12 went good with the family. Had about a 2 hour period of fear and anxiety. The duration of time I stay in that place seems to be lessing each day and isn't there at all if I am on my bike. If I could afford to be on my bike all day everyday I would be styling

    I find something different to freak myself out about each day. I know its just my brain chemistry going crazy for a little bit everyday, its just hard to convince yourself of that when you are in the moment.

    Anyways the new challenge is I am leaving this morning for a week long work trip and I am SCARED. Not SCARED that I will use, just scared I am leaving my support system for a week. My anxiety and fear seem to be the worst when I have no one to talk to, and hotel life isn't super social. I know what I need to do. Stay busy with work as much as possible and find some NA meetings while I am down there.

    I am excited though I have my first meeting with my addiction counselor this morning, hoping for some reinforcements there. I will be reporting in daily throughout all this. Keep a happy thought for your pal Jeffro please

    Your pal,
    Jeffro
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  12. #72
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    how could I have missed an entry on 14 days clean?!? I was just that busy yesterday! I really don't like traveling for work! haha

  13. #73
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 15-

    Another day, and slow and steady progress continues. Still sleeping not very good but nothing I can do about that except for try to have a good attitude about it.

    I am a little disappointed in myself because I told myself I would go to a few NA meetings while I am here but for whatever reason, being busy or just working late and not being able to find a morning meeting haven't been able to make it.

    I did have a great first session with addiction counselor on Monday before I came here. Then a great 2 hour conversation with an awesome older gentlemen I met in my local NA. Maybe he will turn out to be my sponsor? Maybe not, but I think he will become a friend for sure.

    Still having bouts of anxiety, guilt and fear- although the severity and duration seem to be diminishing each day. I am grateful for that.

    One last thing, my counselor gave me a good suggestion. For anyone suffering from post opiate depression or anxiety give ST JOHNS WORT a try. Nothing addictive or dangerous about taking it. Its like an all natural anti depressant. I have been taking it for 3 days today. No huge differences yet but I also continue to improve so not sure what to attribute it to.

    I miss my family and cant wait to get home and see them. I'm tired and hope to rest the whole night sometime soon!

    Your old pal,
    Jeffro
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  14. #74
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    day 17-

    I'm baaack! Finally made it home late last night! I am so happy to be home! Trip went well overall and I must say being open to being spontaneous and going with the flow seems to be alien to me but the more I practice it the better I feel!

    Have made really good progress over the last few days! I got off my butt yesterday morning and found that NA meeting that I promised myself I would make it to! Everytime I go no matter how much I try to convince myself of why I shouldnt I feel so much better!

    Got home late last night and had to get up at 5am this morning to get to my local Friday morning NA meeting. I was a few min late but I think everyone understood totally! I continue to get closer and closer to new friends and ideas and the fear/anxiety is fading quickly.

    Oh my goodness, I am becoming the person you guys all told me I could be! I love my life so much, I will NEVER touch another opiate. My switch is welded in the off position. I approach this now not from fear but from empowerment.

    Sorry my thoughts are kind of scattered right now I am back at work and trying to get caught up on being gone this whole week.

    Catch yall soon, I have a race tomorrow so I am REALLY looking forward to it! WISH ME LUCK!!!

    Your old pal,
    Jeffro
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  15. #75
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Jeffro - Can't tell you how much that post lifteed my spirits. I'm certain it did the same for others here too! Welcome back and way to go on the meetings!!! I feel the same everytime I walk out of one. Do you have a sponsor yet? If not sooner or later someone will stand out you could approach. Look for someone with at least 1 year of sobriety, and longer would be better.

    Working the steps will change your life....for the better!!!

    You're an inspiration to everyone!!!

    -Randy
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  16. #76
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi Jeffro!
    Ditto to what Randy said..
    Meetings are funny because it is when I really don't want to go
    Then do go ..
    I get the most out of it!

    You are doing great!
    Know why?

    You are doing the foot work..
    You are not sitting around waiting for recovery to come to you..

    Empowering to say the least..
    Have a good race tomorrow..

    You are winning the fight of a lifetime!
    This race will be a walk in the park!
    Take care
    Bette
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  17. #77
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    DAY 18--

    Thanks Randy and Bette! I am back home, what a day that was (in the most amazing way possible)! I am home laying on my couch thinking about how good I feel and how tired! I only hope I am rewarded with just a few extra hours of possible sleep tonight? Maybe the god of clean will bless me this night? haha here is to wishful thinking! If not, its ok -- I am still so proud of my performance today and not because I won but because I realized today that I care so deeply about my fellow man. I help people I just refuse to leave behind. Seeing that in myself today, almost as if I was a spectator was amazing.

    Funny side bar note- I saw a new friend there today from NA! we both just said whatsup as we passed each other and smiled. Was cool to see that this doesnt always have to be sad. In fact quite the contrary we have so much to be happy about now!

    Randy- funny you mentioned the sponsor thing. I have been connecting and talking on the phone with an older gentlemen that I met at NA. I am thinking he is probably going to be my sponsor, that is if he wants to be. He has been clean for 14 years so I think he is qualified! He is super cool and understanding and doesnt take BS. All great things for me especially. I have always been pretty swave and easy to find the words to tell people what I think they want to hear. He is good at not buying off on that too quickly. Tough love goes a long way with me. Anyways he invited me to a NA meeting he hosts at his house every other week for all the guys he has sponsored over the years. He said he would like me to meet them. I am going to go and keep an open mind, I am sure this will lead me to some decision one way or another about sponsorship! Also- because they do this meeting every other week I would like to go regularly. I really like the feeling of being surrounded by people who are better practiced at things than myself. With sports, it really helps me reach for the next level. I am sure this will be similar, or at least hopeful!

    One last parting thought. It seems to me addiction is drastically increased or empowered by bordom and environment. The more enriched your life is with other stimuli the less addiction becomes a focus. By surrounding myself with clean folks, family, sports, counseling I am filling in all the gaps where boredom and addiction live in my brain. There is no vacancy here anymore addiction so best you hit the road.

    I am rambling again, so tired from the race! I will post again tomorrow with a clearer head in the morning

    Your old pal,
    Jeffro
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-28-2015 at 09:26 PM. Reason: misspelling
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  18. #78
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 19--

    Guess what?!? The sleep gods smiled upon me last night! 8 hours of mostly uninterupted sleep! HECK YES! Everything is getting so much better now so fast.

    I keep thinking its a different day than it is, I am starting to have trouble keeping track of how many days I have been clean now! That is a good feeling! I am going to do my best to continue documenting this until day 30, then I will most likely just post without worrying about a day label until its a signifant (6 month, 1 year, etc etc).

    Anyways happy sunday all, have a great day.
    Your old pal,
    Jeffro
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  19. #79
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Good Morning Jeffro,

    That is fantastic news! Sleep issues are the worst (after the first 5 days, anyway). Expect good nights and bad nights with the good nights coming more frequently. Just don't be disappointed with the bad ones. That's life too! Everyone has nights where sleep eludes us. When using, we sometimes forget that when the going gets tough, it doesn't just mean it's time to take a pill.

    I did the same thing. I began to lose track of my clean days. My friends here would remind me. They were keeping closer track than me. I don't even remember the date of my last Day 1 because I only joined this Forum once I had started to detox and it took me days to learn that I should have started my own thread. So, my early updates are all over the place here and many of those folks long gone by now. I consider my Day 1 sometime in early January 2010 but it may have even been in late December. It doesn't much matter to me now. I just call it 5 years and a day.

    Peace,

    Cat

  20. #80
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 20-- Life on Life's terms

    Got a call this morning that my mom is in the ER waiting for emergency surgery. I'm frantically headed there now (I'm not driving and typing this at the same time dont worry). I had to call and cancel my appt with my therapist and a few other things that encompass my sobriety. Its ok though, cause life isn't always about me. I can be strong just today for someone else until I can get back on track with helping me and worrying about me tomorrow.

    Just dropping a 30 second note on here helps me feel like I am some how contributing to my recovery in some way today. I am so thankful for this place.

    Family needs me, time to man up!

    Jeffro

  21. #81
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 21--
    Thankfully mom's surgery went well and it looks like she is going to get out of the hospital today or tomorrow. Its funny how frantic I get now, and how that frantic behavior would only empower the addiction if I wasn't well guarded. The moment anything used to go wrong in life I would almost instantly react and take pills. Now I need to get calm and focused and remind myself that this is what normal people do, they deal with life as it comes up, they don't numb themselves just to cope.

    Anyways, glad yesterday is in the past.

    Feeling good today and have slept considerably better the last 3 nights in a row now. Its strange to open my eyes and not feel the need to jump straight up and start doing things. I actually enjoy waking up slow now. Feels nice, and its been a long time. People talk about not sleeping well when you get off opiates but we dont really talk about how badly we sleep while on opiates. When you compare your best night sleep on opiates >> bests night sleep sober, I don't think they compare. You may be unconscious but looking back I had no quality of sleep for a few years. Go figure I was always tired and irritable etc etc.

    Feels good to be alive!
    Your old pal,
    Jeffro
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  22. #82
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 22--

    I came to the realization over the last 36 hours what an epidemic opiates have become and really what that means. When I was high I would have dismissed this info. Now that I am at least starting to see things clearly I had SEVERAL encounters with opiates over the last day and a half.
    Situation #1: My mom was all doped up on pain meds in the hospital. Just knowing that sitting next to her trying to be supportive was giving me major fear and anxiety. I was scared to be there. Then I went to her home this morning to have breakfast and check in on her. Pill bottles all over the kitchen table. When I see this stuff it doesn't make me want to take them, it makes me want to get as far away as fast as possible.
    Situation #2: A family member called me and told me he caught his son smoking oxys. I jumped in to try to help and I am going to keep trying but when I spoke to him (the one using) he was so defiant of it all and his outlook was one of resentment (for being caught). I dont know what to do now cause his dad is asking me for my honest opinion. My honest opinion is that this kid isnt going to quit with his current frame of mind, but then again who am I? I am just barely 22 days clean myself. I am not qualified to make that call, right? I did tell him to take him to some NA meetings, but to be honest it didn't feel like that was going to happen.
    Situation #3: a coworker just returned to work after a terrible 6 month recovery from a bad auto accident. His leg is full of metal etc. He has no idea I was ever on pills so I don't know where this came from but when I was talking to him he opened his hand and offered me a handful of pain pills! I was like NO WAY! when are they going to just leave me alone! I told him quickly that I absolutely could not and would not ever take them and walked away.

    All these things made me realize the junk is everywhere and trying to just keep yourself away from it doesnt always work. We can't live in a bubble. There will always be the opportunity to let your guard down and slip. Its up to us to find a recovery plan that works for us and prevents that from happening.

    I hope the above mentioned people all find healing and a quick route off them back to a normal life. I'm not worried about my mom she isn't the type at all. The other 2, well, I hope for them.

    Have counseling with addiction therapist in a few hours, excited for that. Then I think we have a little private NA meeting tonight which will be both new and fun for me

    Oh ya I slept better again last night but have had no energy during the day the last 3 days. I thought it was that race I did but now I am thinking it may be PAWS? Its pretty minimal if it is. How do you tell?

    Your old pal,
    Jeffro

  23. #83
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Yes I always say
    Now is the best time on this planet
    To be
    Clean & sober..
    I just read about the baby boomers bringing drug use into this decade.
    Now instead of smoking pot they are taking pain meds..

    I watch Drugs.Inc on National Geographic Channel..
    It is scarey so many opiate addicts going to heroi in..

    It is an epidemic!

    We are so blessed!
    Livin clean
    In
    2015!

    Congratulations!
    Bette

  24. #84
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Jeffro,

    You probably know that I'm long on words. I'm so sorry about your nephew and what I have to say is short and sweet. YES. You have every right to provide advice, mostly to the parents. Sounds like the addict is no where near ready and you can't get him there. You are early in recovery and our instincts kick in and we have this insatiable need to pay it forward. That's best done in meetings and with folks who want the help.

    One of my favorite quotes for you today, Jeffro: "Just do you."

    Peace,

    Cat

  25. #85
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Hi Jeffro. It has been a while since I had a chance to catch up on your thread, but I am so happy to see that you are learning to live life like a champ! It sounds like you have been through the ringer: sorry to hear about the emergency with your mom, but also very glad to read that it worked out ok. I have been thinking about you, but I knew once I had the chance to come back and read up, that you would still be making it. Even in your earliest posts, you sounded so determined I wanted to keep up with you and watch you grow. You inspire people. And I am so proud to see that you're counting weeks now, not just days. Soon it will be months. You rock. So glad to read up on your progress. Take Care

  26. #86
    Paulyhadthepink is offline New Member
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    The tests are made to strengthen your resolve. Glad you past! There WILL be more. They get easier…just like how the early withdrawl effects got better. You'll form an arsenal of coping skills with every test. Keep it up

  27. #87
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 24--

    Thanks to you both! I am definitely looking forward to putting this week in the past! Thank god its Friday!

    I don't know what I disturbed but there is a fire burning very brightly inside me now! I hope its for the good only haha! I can't seem to stop researching things both conventional and alternative in nature to help treat addiction. Its like I have become addicted to freeing myself of addiction! Good, bad, other?

    Learned quite a few lessons this week that relate back to what I have come to know from NA and addiction therapy. Life on Life's terms... so true. Ego gets in the way of all progress and trys to detract...I catch mine trying to lead me down any route possible. Learning to meditate... although hard to do well worth the time investment, best natural way to calm down.

    The biggest commonality I have been able to find between NA, addiction therapy, and alternative therapies is that spirituality is the most important element of what ultimately saves us, and helps redirect our lives to positive and enriched experiences with other like minded people. I am now trying to look more introspectively at what that really means to me and ultimately what I believe and can put my trust and faith in. So far for me its an interconnected system of Earth, exercise, community (family and friends), and of course counseling from wiser people (therapist and NA sponsor). I really want to know who and what god is to me, rather I figure it out or not I am happy to say that I am at least asking this question after 36 yrs on this planet.

    I still love science, am thinking about having a neuro biofeedback map done so I can understand my specific brain functions better and maybe see how to change them for the better. Heck I will try anything, except an addictive drug!

    One last funny thing. This morning I was on my way to NA and I was packing my backpack up and I grabbed a pill bottle that I have been keeping various things in to help me along. All the usual: immodium, ibuprofen, tylenol, clonodine, slivers of xanex (just in case). Actually a very colorful array of pills. As I stood there looking at it all I realized that I hadn't taken any of this stuff in almost 2 weeks (aside from ibuprofen). So I said well I guess its time to let this crutch go. Flushed it all down the toilet except the ibuprofen and tylenol and went on my way. Even though I will need the ibuprofen I don't feel like I need to carry it on me anymore. Free of one more element? Maybe!

    Hope everyone has a great weekend and didnt mind my rambling too much this morning

    Your old pal,
    Jeffro

    P.S. I now officially have an NA sponsor

  28. #88
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 25--

    Did some serious butt kicking today, working on checking things off my list for multifaceted recovery and long term sobriety. Here is what I was able to accomplish today!
    - Rode my bike for 2.5 hours this morning
    - Worked out with my wife this afternoon
    - Worked on my NA work book for about an hour
    - Finally started to read the first book my addiction therapist gave me to read
    - Meditated
    - Posted day 25 on drugs.com

    Today I feel like I have done enough, and it was done well

    Todays lesson: Don't be a hypocrite- live the lessons you are learning. I caught myself about to throw a wrapper on the ground today (funny considering nature is supposed to be one of my higher powers right?!) on my bike ride just because no one was there to see it. I realized that I need to stop doing things only when there is a cheering section present. The lessons I am learning now need to be true and heart felt. Only doing or saying what I think other people want to hear will only lead me back to addiction.

    That NA book is really hard to fill out. I feel like I gave honest answers but that a good amount of the questions dont apply? I am going to talk it through with my sponsor tomorrow and see what he says.

    Thats all for today folks.

    Your old pal,
    Jeffro

  29. #89
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Nicely done, Jeffro. I had to smile both about the wrapper on the ground and about your struggle answering the questions. It's a very good analogy in terms of just doing the next right thing because it truly isn't about what others think. It is, however all about what we think. We have to be in charge of our own lives and learn a whole lot of self discipline in every aspect of life--including not littering!

    I don't know which questions you thought may not apply to you but it makes me smile to envision you trying to answer them anyway. We are all the exception, but we're not. Very good idea to work through it with your sponsor.

    Congrats on Day 25.

    Peace,

    Cat

  30. #90
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Day 26--

    Happy Easter all

    Getting ready for a day filled with friends and family. My wife and I have decided to spend an hour every morning reading books instead of watching TV or anything else. Trying to keep the books, at least for me, about positive changes that can be made in your life.
    My Ego is everywhere! Its a cheeky bugger always trying to trick me into thinking things I shouldn't.

    Cat-- thanks so much for the response! I always get excited when I see that you have put something on this thread! The questions I was having all the problems answering were about obsessing and compulsing. The only things I can honestly say I am doing that with are the different elements of my recovery? Is that bad? I have been doing lots of research but again all in the name of getting better?

    If I am not being honest about it I am the first one I am tricking because I truly believe this!

    Anyways I will talk to sponsor today hopefully, hate to bother him on Easter.

    Your old pal,
    Jeffro

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