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Do you think I can stay sober if I don't want to?
  1. #1
    Shawnamama is offline Junior Member
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    Sep 2014
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    Default Do you think I can stay sober if I don't want to?

    4 days off opiates but only because I have no choice as I wait for my dad who may or may not get a refill this month.
    Part of me wants to quit because I'm over detoxing, I'm over chasing it, and I'm over the mood swings but the other part just doesn't feel ready and even though I keep telling myself it's for the best I know I will take it when I come across it again..

    Another question,

    I am an addict, this I know, but if I can't even find any pills to take is it pointless to go to na? I guess I think of na as a tool to help people stay off narcotics.. But what if you have no choice?

    I really wish these cravings would go away... The physical I can handle, the mental I can't.
    For the past two nights I have been coming home, going straight up to my bed to pout And or fight with anyone in my path because I'm mad they can't find me anything (really effing dumb I know but I still take it out on them).
    This is not the person I want to be but it also scares the >>>> out of me the thought of going through life sober.

    Anyone out there struggle with this? Thanks!

  2. #2
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Shawna: Every ONE is afraid of life without pills. EVERYONE. That's one of the biggest hurdles: What will I do without pills? NA will help you, but you have to want the help. You have to be so fed up that you look in the mirror and name what you see: ADDICT. Then you have to be so sick of it you need to ask for HELP. The thing is you have to want to be CLEAN more than you want ANYTHING in your life: you have to want it like your life. Because this is life or death and it's that simple: You go to jail or you die, PERIOD. If it doesn't click for you, this addiction WILL kill you in the end, I've seen it too many times. I've also seen the devastation that addiction leaves in it's path for everyone around. Addiction doesn't get better, it gets worse and worse. WANT IT. You have to WANT IT.

    God knows I've been right where you are and I still get cravings and I have to find something to do so I don't dwell on this because I know sure as there are stars in the sky that there are more pills out there and just one will tip me write back over the edge. And I can get them legally. Those are facts: been there done it. I also know after 10 years or so of using that: I was going to probably die, get in a car crash while high and kill someone and go to jail, end up on the damn street.

    I wish I could plead for you to have the WANT IT. That's your job. Go to the need to talk board and look up Melina's thread. Look for both posts by Melina and Catrina. I am not young. Neither is Cat. It takes a long time to get the WANT IT sometimes, but it's worth getting there. This is a journey, not an event.

    Peace,

    Iloerose
    Catrina likes this.

  3. #3
    justbeingme is offline Member
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    Dec 2014
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    Sounds like you're getting close to trying to make a change. Admission of your addiction his huge. Watching my Gf and seeing what her life has become on pills breaks my heart. She believes her life is hopeless. I can't change her or enable her anymore. She will be homeless soon. I love her, but its her battle.
    Her life choice. Her addiction has been my downfall of a decent life. Our innocent daughter will be effected by this. I'm devastated. She is trying, but success is challenging. It would take incredible will power to not take a pill easily available. Hold out as long you can as a self control test. Good Luck. Wish you the best.

  4. #4
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Jan 2010
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    Hi Shawna,

    Ditto on iloerose. Unfortunately, recovery is an all or nothing kind of thing. I tried for so many wasted years hating being a slave to pills but nonetheless wanting them more than anything. Always in the back of my mind when I would examine my life and the possibility of recovery, I wouldn't be able to imagine a life without opiates...ever. I wanted to. I just couldn't. I cold turkey detoxed probably several times a year over the span of a couple of decades. Sometimes I'd even make it through all the physical stuff but as soon as a pill was dangled in front of me I'd be lost. Other times I wouldn't even complete the detox. With each relapse, I'd lose another piece of myself. My self esteem was devastated and I truly believed that there was no use trying. I wasn't worth it anyway. ADDICT THINKING!!!!

    I've made it five years and going strong. This is my new life and I can't imagine going back but I know I will always be just one pill away from being there all over again. What changed for me? I spent countless hours reading these boards. Day after day, night after night. I didn't post at first but reading the stories suddenly made me aware that sobriety is possible. If they could, why can't I? I was probably just about where you are right now when I first posted, nearly at the end of my last detox. I got brave enough and began to post. People from all walks of life became my friends and supported me. I suppose one of the reasons I struggled with meetings or asking for help is that I imagined that all "those people" would be just like an ex-smoker...disgusted that they were able to quit while I couldn't. It wasn't that way at all!

    My thoughts on NA. Why not? You may not be fully committed to recovery just yet but maybe, just maybe someone there will inspire you. I found my first inspiration here. Look for yours where ever you might find it.

    Good luck.

    Peace,

    Cat

  5. #5
    Melina123 is offline Senior Member
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    Jan 2015
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    simply speaking, NO ! you have to get to a point where u cannot take the life anymore. I hate to think what will happen to bring u to that place. I speak from EXERIENCE that the only other way out is jail, institutions, or death. I hope woth everything insiide me that u will WANT out before u r in an orange jumpsuit or a coffin. What do u have to lose by trying NA? Drugs, death, and mayhem will always be out there. NA will offer friends who know how u feel, and a path to truly living. I hope u make the right.choice. xo

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