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Don't give up
  1. #1
    Tiredandanxious15 is offline Junior Member
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    Feb 2017
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    Default Don't give up

    Quote Originally Posted by P15 View Post
    First, have been reading new and old threads throughout this whole first week and I finally decided it was time to make one myself to have something to look back on some day. I would also like to thank anyone that participates in these threads as you have lent me a great deal of strength to make it this far.

    The first time I ever took hydrocodone I was in ninth grade and was given them after getting a tooth pulled. Boy did I love the way they made me feel. From that point I only took them on rare occasions, sometimes years in between so I never really considered myself to have a problem. However, when I was 20 I came across a CHEAP, and reliable means of getting 10/325mg norcos. I started by just taking two at work in the mornings to give me a lift and start the day out on a good foot. After about a year I was taking over 100 a month. That escalated quickly, and after a while it was 180 a month. (Would have been more but couldn't get my hands on any luckily) I was to the point I could do anything without them. When I would go through those 180 before the month was up I'd be in withdrawals for a few days until I could get more. During that time I would lock myself up at home, feel miserable, shut everyone out, and hate myself for the state I've caused myself to live.

    Finally, almost a week ago I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I was paying $300+ a month to feel good for a week, okay for a week, then struggled just to feel okay for a third. That would of course be followed up by the dreaded fourth week from hell. Well, after 2 years I can tell you that this is my last one.

    I was sick of lying to everyone about just "not feeling good". Sick of having to plan everything around these stupid pills. Sick of being numb emotionally. I got away with it for so long because I was a functioning addict. I have a good job and could afford the cost. Knowing it really wasn't causing an immediate effect on my life is one of the reasons it went on for so long. Also, nobody else knew or knows about the struggle I'm dealing with so there was nobody to tell me what an idiot I was being. What if I want to travel some day and I can't fly anywhere because I can't bring pills? What if my liver fails? What would I have done with all the money I spent on these? What if my girlfriend found out? What if I get arrested? Will I be around to have kids? These were all things I was asking myself throughout the past several "fourth weeks".

    All of those questions hit me like a load of bricks 6 days ago. I wanted to make it my new year's resolution to get clean but then I realized how great it would be to be CLEAN for the holidays for the first time in years. I am determined never to touch the little devils again. If there is anyone else out there struggling I'd just like to say WE CAN DO IT!

    I won't lie... This week has been hell. But I'm going on day seven so I know I have the worst of it is behind me. I actually got at least 6 hours of sleep last night! I feel as though my head is coming out of a fog. No I am not at 100% yet and I'm willing to accept it will be a while until I may be, if ever. I have been concentrating on my "wins". My biggest one being yesterday when I turned down the monthly 180! I literally cried I was so happy. Almost tearing up now thinking about it. That was the best AND hardest thing I have ever done for myself but boy does it feel frickin good!

    I have read forums on this site every day since this has started and wanted to put my story out there. I could really use some encouragement and people to talk to because like I said, nobody knows about my struggle. I also want to be here to help and encourage others, and let them know if I'm seeing the light at the end of the opiate tunnel, they can too.

    What a horribly terrific week! Here's to more terrific ones!

    Love and regards,
    P15




    This was me at the end of 2016. (Not sure if the post shared above will work properly) If you look at the original thread I made it to 14 days of sobriety. I said I was going to take a break from this site bc it "triggered me". I honestly knew I was about to relapse and couldn't face the embarrassment or heartaches.

    I spent another four months in the cycle of abuse hating myself for starting all over again. I once again decided to quit on a whim. At the time I didn't think it would last but I am now 25 days clean and feeling better than I have in the past three years. Yesterday I brought myself to tears for the first time in four months because I know for a fact I am done with these pills.

    I have been living my life again. For me, not for pills. I have been exercising, eating, being social, going to sporting events, golfing, and just enjoying life. All of these things I felt were impossible to do without some form or opiates inside of me. I was wrong. 25 days feels like a lifetime if you're in WD, I know, but let me tell you it is soooo worth it. Another member here (forgive me I forgot who) said something to the extent of "Feels like a lifetime ago and this is who I am now and this is the direction I'm going in life". For some reason that helped my mindset a lot, so, thank you for that.

    I'm not really sure what else to say at this point, I just want people to know that getting clean isn't easy. Relapse happens. Don't give up, don't feel embarrassed, and don't run away like I did four months ago. Addiction, particularly opiate addiction, is a powerful thing to overcome. But it can be overcome. I hope this may have helped someone trying to get through their 14th or even 1st day.

    Feel free to ask any questions or just shoot a message and chat. I check the site pretty often even though I have limited posts so I'll be around.

    Lots of love
    Autumnhopes likes this.

  2. #2
    Tiredandanxious15 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
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    27

    Default

    Day 77,
    Last night I had an awful dream.. It's strange but the dream was great at the same time. I dreamt that I took some norcos again for the first time in months.. The scary part is how happy and content I was in that dream. I then woke up with huge cravings for the first time in over a month. Physically I'm feeling better than I have in years and consider myself completely back to normal. While most days they don't even cross my mind anymore there are still days I think about them. Weird how difficult it is for your brain to let go. I got on here and reread my threads and a few others to remind myself where I was and where I never want to be again. It didn't take long for those cravings to go away. Long story short, whether it's day 1 or day 77, stay strong, all it takes is one slip up.

    -T&A

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