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The evening of day 2 off 30mgs a day
  1. #1
    ChipperNoMore is offline New Member
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    Default The evening of day 2 off 30mgs a day

    Day 2 of 30mg Roxy Withdrawals:

    I always was a bit of a garbage disposal with substances(anything I could find as a teen) when I had them but didn't think about them if I didn't. Dabbled in opiate pills here and there in my early 20s when I started dating an addict who just gave them to me. I didn't get physically addicted back then for some reason despite doing them so many times a week. We only dated a few months so maybe duration is truly the devil with WD. Then, I started dating someone new, the love of my life - a year later, we found a H connect: just like roxy right? It made me so much better at intimacy and what I perceived to be "connection" and "sharing" - suddenly I could share and do whatever I was thinking and I loved it. The job I started during my weekend warrior phase, I wasn't sure I could do because of my shyness intially was suddenly simple and I was on fire with how good I was at it.

    Ended up with a light H addiction compared to my companions in the rehab I inevitably ended up in. Maybe 4-5 $10 bags peppered throughout the day? Don't know weight. Almost lost my job and everything. After we got out of rehab, we decided to move out of state and start over. Then the drinking started: less than a year into my lease, we were both in jail for domestic violence(wasn't even the first time, just the first time I was dumb enough to call the cops) and it really set us back in a million ways.

    We moved back home when our lease was up, but the excessive drinking and physical fights continued until we bit the bullet. One year later, I am dating someone new and my ex and I are great friends, then he gets a pill connect. I only do the Roxys when we hang out once or twice a week, then we go on a binge together before he moves out of state; he leaves me with his connect's number.

    I hate driving, which has always been a factor in how and why I'd been able to stay sober for long stretches of time(only relied on things just given to me). Conveniently after not working for over a year, I get an awesome job in my preferred field for the first time - right next to the connect. 9 months later, I got up to 1 or 2 30mg pills a day, every day(not physically dependent on 2, but took 2 when I wanted to be extra high bc 1 stopped getting me there)

    I started doing them again so frequently bc I wanted to be high with my bf for intimacy reasons(I suck at accessing private thoughts unless I'm high), then alone too bc then I could chainsmoke without complaint from my bf - one day I woke up and decided to quit smoking after over a decade(13-26) The urge to break free of the pills came next. Earlier this year I was finally on a chipping cycle of being high 3-4 days then withdrawing for 2-3 a few months ago until I was unable to be "sick" for days anymore and had to maintain a daily dose to be productive($30-60 a day!) that happened so fast. The last two months I've been using daily.

    So here I am with 2 days clean(had my last 2 pills at 7am Tuesday 7/4/17) with almost no withdrawal symptoms strangely enough. I sweat a lot, but my house is hot and it's 90+ degrees out and my job is below 70 degrees so the hot and cold seems par for the course. My only symptoms are semi diarrhea and on and off sluggishness that I'm beginning to wonder are totally psychological("oh I can't do this without drugs so I can't meh just gonna sit here and rot/lay down" yet when I just force myself the energy comes naturally SURPRISE) but the worst one of all is the sleeplessness; even with 200mgs of trazadone throughout the night I am struggling to force myself to sleep. I took my first break in months last week for 2 days, so I'm thinking that break helped a lot with my WD symptoms. In a way I am grateful my only real problem right now is a lack of sleep bc I have stuff to help with that, whereas before my biggest WD was lack of energy which would F me up so much that I avoided sobriety.

    Reading through everything on this forum I've had so many ups and downs; this morning I was reading Typesh05 post about "chipping", then oscarcody01 chiming in and saying he did too. I had hope that maybe I could keep this under control. I even budgeted myself to use twice a week(I'm in major debt bc of my addiction and decided to cut down) so I was flirting with the idea of doing it again next week when my budget resets. Then I noticed after a binge Typesh05 stopped posting completely 4 years ago aside from once or twice, but OscarCody01 posted recently with 3 years sober. I intentionally wanted to follow people who posted long ago knowing they tend to stick around this forum sober or not - long term. OC1 has been my hugest influence today. Made me actually think I could be sober forever if I just took it day by day. Btw, cannot go to meetings without my partner knowing which is why I'm here so please don't bother suggesting them right now! I just need support. I had severe Borderline Personality Disorder but have somewhat "healed" myself with DBT and other methods so I plan on using those skills on my down days, as I know they will happen even tho I haven't yet.

    Just wanted to introduce myself bc it's time for me to get honest and participate in my recovery and I especially like to help others. Thank you all for the content thus far; you have all said something profound to me in your posts.

  2. #2
    ChipperNoMore is offline New Member
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    Default

    ugh can't figure out how to edit names out of this post but it seems I got reported and I honestly don't want to make any relapsing folks feel guilt bc I'm right there with you after trying to stop for months. May I have an admin remove names or whatever else was offending in my post so it doesn't get deleted again?

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