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Feeling lost and scared
  1. #1
    RedRibbons is offline New Member
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    Default Feeling lost and scared

    Hello,

    I'm new here, first time posting. I've been reading the threads for a while, but I'm really nervous to post. I can't sleep because I'm so anxious about the recent news my long term boyfriend dropped on me.

    The short version, to cut to the chase, is my boyfriend told me about a week and a half ago that he has a serious addiction to his pain medication. He has been lying to me for at least a year and a half about how out of control it has gotten. Apologies in advance for the length.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 1/2yrs. He has legitimate pain issues due to spinal stenosis and serious back issues following a car accident. Early on in our relationship, he told me he was on Percocet for his pain issues, and it was a long term rx from his pain doc. In the early days, it never seemed to be an issue. About a year in, I could tell there were problems forming as he'd run out early and I'd help him with withdrawal until his next fill. I tried to talk to him many times, but he said it was a dependency not an addiction, and was to be expected with long term pain med use. He said he couldn't not be on them because of the pain issues, and that his body required more meds to control the pain because of the dependency that forms. I tried to be understanding because I knew he had legitimate pain, but the frequent withdrawals accompanied by wild mood swings started causing relationship issues. He would get mean during withdrawal, and when I'd say I couldn't take it (I'd recently left an abusive relationship) he would get more upset and say I wasn't being supportive of his needs and that if I really loved him I'd stay by his side during his painful withdrawals. As I truly did love him, I stuck with him and tried to help, and shoved my fears and pain aside.

    After a while, he talked to his pain doc, and she put him on a fentenyl patch. His mood went off the charts with depression/anger, and I don't think he was using his patches right. I don't know much about the patch, but he was a wreck on them. He went off the patch and back on the Percocet, and we were back to the same cycle. Please don't get me wrong, we had beautiful times and he could be the most loving, kind hearted man I'd ever been with. This was one of the reasons I stayed by his side. I knew he was in pain, and I wanted to help. Sadly, our sex life had become nonexistent, he was increasingly becoming completely unable/unwilling to take care of his house or himself, and his seeping schedule had become so odd that we were rarely even sleeping in the same bed (he alternated between nodding off mid sentence or not being able to sleep more than an hour a night). The fighting and terrible communication became really extreme, and I take some blame for that. We decided in the spring of 2015 to take a short break and work on ourselves apart.

    During the break I worked on my issues, and focused all of my attention on my kids and jobs (single mom, two jobs, daughter was 15 at the time, son 22 but still at home. All of us healing still from the devastation of my divorce). I didn't talk with my man for over a month, but when my daughter's self harming had gotten so bad that I had to admit her to a hospital. When I called, he was there immediately and incredibly supportive/loving and helped us through it all. However, as time passed, it was becoming clear to me that his med situation was actually worse than before I'd left. He was using his percs, Xanax to help sleep, morphine for break through pain (a one time rx), and was on now two antidepressants (he had been on one before) and clonazepam for anxiety (this he'd been on a long time as well, not new). He was like a zombie of the man I'd met and fallen in love with, but one and a while his true self would break through and I'd see his Light again. He said that the break had been so painful for him that his doc prescribed additional meds to help him through. Over a little time, the morphine and Xanax stopped, and was back to one antidepressant. He was more himself. But the percs and monthly withdrawal continued.

    I continued focusing on my daughter's health.My relationship was a big focus, and trying to keep my head above water financially. Things started going better for a while, and he to push that I should sell my house and move into his. I didn't feel it was an option because of my daughter's school placement, and job reasons. My concerns were heard by him as personal rejection, and that continued to be an issue for us, alongside me watching his pill issue becoming worse again. It was very hard to be because god knows I didn't want him in pain, and I knew the pain was real. But there were a couple of times I found that he had gotten extra pain pills from his mom (norco) to help during withdrawal times. We talked about it and I said I was really scared it was getting out of control again, and he said they were her extras and he was only holding them for emergencies.

    After a while, it seemed like the meds situation was improving. He seemed less agitated, although sometimes I'd catch glimpses of withdrawal. But overall, it felt like things were on the upswing. He started spending more time at my house, to the point where he was here most nights (I no longer felt comfortable leaving my daughter alone for our date nights because I needed to support her in every way). She had a suicide attempt in December, and he helped us through that again tremendously. From Dec to Feb things were starting to feel really good, and we were becoming a cohesive family unit. I asked him to move in on Valentine's Day, And proposed that we'd stay here until my daughter was a senior, and moving out would no longer jeopardize her school placement. During that time we'd prepare his house for us to move in, and prepare mine to sell.

    Very little was done after that proposal. I tried to get things set up for him here, but it was an overwhelming task as he wasn't helping with any of it. His pain/depression were too much, and he needed me to handle both of our yard care/gardening, and I was getting exhausted. He wasn't helping with chores at all and I got overwhelmed. To this day, nothing has been done at his house to prepare it for us to move in. When we used to go there more often I'd sped a weekend cleaning it only to return the following week to find it was completely filthy. I stopped cleaning there because it was too much to handle two households. As the months here continued, his mood swings started again, and he was back to running out of pills at the end of each month. Fighting ensued, luckily only when my daughter was at her dad's. The problems were blamed on my terrible communication, and how I wasn't making a home for him, and he still had things at his house that he wanted here, but I wasn't getting rid of/moving my stuff fast enough to make him feel wanted. It was hard to do it all alone. I'd also become more concerned about the meds, particularly in May when he got so upset that he said "F* you, you F-ing psycho >>>>>!" That opened up a hell of a lot of wounds. I told him we were going to do couples counseling, and he agreed.He later admitted that his outburst was during a withdrawal.

    Now to the big reveal: he admitted to me a couple of weeks ago that he was an addict and needed help. He'd asked me in May if I'd start holding his pills and only give him his daily allotment. That was hard as most days he asked for extras: it was emergency/his pain was unbearable. I'd give him a couple extra, and still came up short monthly. In june we had another fight, where he told me he didn't expect much out of me because he doesn't get much, and I gave him back his pills. After a week he begged me to take his pills back. He was extremely short, and I tried to help him through to his next fill, spending hours on end doing math with him trying to eek out the most effective dosing schedule with the small amount he had left. We continued our counseling, and in a recent session he admitted to the counselor that he was struggling to make his percs last, and that he was terrified because I was helping through two weeks on 7/day. He is rx'd enough to take 12/day (10mgs). After the counseling session he admitted to me that he's gotten 50 extra pills from his mom. I was really upset. I'd been trying so hard to keep him in track, and I knew she was enabling him. A couple of weeks later, he admitted to me that for the past year and a half he'd been getting extras from his mom. That at first she was giving him what he thought were her extras, but then over time she started charging him saying her insurance copays had changed. The price kept going up to where he was spending on some months up to $1000. On bad months he'd run out of percs in a week and a half (if he's Rx'd to cover him 12/day for 28 days, that means he was taking 25-30+/day, and then he'd take Vicodin from his mom the rest of the month). He stared suspecting a dealer was involved. But he went into denial and kept telling himself it was just insurance copays, and continued buying them from her. Recently when he went to visit her, he was short again and she offered to make some calls.That's when he realized there was a dealer involved, and that he could no longer lie to me. He's promising that he'll never buy from her again, and we're back to me counting his pills out everyday, but it's already becoming a struggle. Most days he takes 14, some 16, and it's supposed to be 12. I hate being in the position of refusing him meds when he's in pain, but I also want him to drop down his dose. It feels like everything is riding on me. I feel betrayed and lied to, incredibly hurt that he knowingly had this all going on as we were finally trying to start our lives together, scared that he'll call his mom for pills again. and terrified that going back to "normal dosing" will put his health at risk. He won't go to rehab because he's afraid he'll lose his job, and that they won't allow him any pain control after treatment. I understand those fears but I think with chronic pain there are things the hospital will do to ensure pain control, and I don't think that legally he can be fired for seeking medical treatment for a disease.

    I feel really scared, overwhelmed, and hurt. I love him, but don't feel I have the skill set to properly help him through this as much as I want to be there for him. When he told me the truth, I was very calm and thanked him for being brave enough to tell me. I said I want to help him, I love him, and I want to work on rebuilding the trust that was shattered. As the days pass, and he's continuing to ask for extra pills, I'm getting more frustrated and the pain of the betrayals is creeping up and causing me to go in a tailspin. I told him I won't sell my house until I know he's healed and addressing his pain properly. I opened up to him more recently about the pain I'm feeling from being lied to about something so extreme, and that it out me and my daughter in a terrible position for our futures and present for that matter. He's upset that I'm still feeling hurt, and that we're not right back to me helping him get more things here. Right now, I said we need to focus only on his healing and rebuilding our relationship and put the house complications aside. This upset him further because he feels like I'm dangling the possibility of this not working out over his head. But honestly, I can't do this if I don't see him hangs and heal. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't really be open with him about my pain because then I'm not being supportive, but I need support too and I'm scared. I don't know if I can handle it all.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this.

  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Welcome Redribbons,

    That's a lot! A lot of everything. We can give you our opinion but I really think that you would benefit the most by finding a NALANON group/meeting and begin to go there. You can connect with other people with like circumstances and you won't feel so alone. They will share things that helped them and maybe you can learn some things to help you too. This isn't easy and I well know it. If we weren't so involved emotionally, it would make things easier but we are tied emotionally.

    I know more than a little somethin' somethin' about this kind of mess. I abused opiates for almost 20 years and am finally over 6-1/2 years clean. I also had/have some of the same back issues as your boyfriend. This first point is that I am able to control my pain/discomfort now more effectively with other things that are not narcotic and not addictive so just know that this possible but only if he wants it to be. That's up to your boyfriend to realize and understand and you won't convince him otherwise. Just throwing that out to you so that you can understand that he does have options. HE has to want them far more than YOU do.

    My adult son is an active H addict and lives with me so I know what it's like to love an addict and I also understand all too well the dynamics between your boyfriend and his mother. When I was using too it was not one of my proudest moments. I digress.

    I don't know if you're ready to hear everything I have to say but I'm going to say it anyway. Let me preface this by saying that you have done nothing wrong and this isn't your fault. None of it. You didn't sign up for this but here you are and you have to figure out what to do to survive and to keep your kids safe. THAT is your priority. As far as your boyfriend is concerned, there's not a lot you're going to do to help him out of this hole. It has to be his choice and his work. If he gets to the point (and I pray he will) you can support him in a healthy manner for all of you including your kids. They are old enough that as much as you can try to shield them from this, they see and know things.

    Step number 1 is for you to realize that you are not and can never be his keeper. It sounds like such a good idea to help him by controlling his meds. What this turns into is frustration for you and anger for him. An addict does not want to be controlled and they will not allow it. Period. Addicts are masters of manipulation. This doesn't make them bad people, it's the nature of the beast. What trying to control an addict does is to send them into a brand new level of lying and being devious. We so want to believe that they are doing better that we don't see that in order for you to continue to believe that, he is supplementing what you know he is taking with pills he's getting that you don't know about. Everyone is happy! You believe he's working on his abuse and he's getting what he wants where he can get it. Trouble is that it always catches up with both of you.

    Our drug of choice is our top priority. Above family, friends and even our own self worth. It's hard for a non-addict to understand this but believe me it's true. When I was actively using, I did things that I'm sure I'll go to h*ll for when I die. Things no good mother or grandmother would do but I did them and I didn't even think twice while I was doing them. To justify what we're doing or to defend what we're doing both to our loved ones AND ourselves is to find another place to put the blame. In your case, you aren't being supportive enough. Can I just say BS? Support what? His active abuse? That's what he's asking you to do. If he was making an effort to take control of his abuse, THAT'S what you would SUPPORT not try to do for him. He's the only one who can do this so please just stop trying to find a way to make it easier for him. You can't.

    It hurts my heart to hear your story and stories like yours--there's millions of them. It reminds me what it was like to be in active addiction and it also reminds me of all the right things I can do where my son is concerned. None of it is easy, I assure you. I'd like to tell you to run like you've never run before and get yourself out of this situation. That would be the right thing to do. It may not have to be forever, but for now it would be the right thing. It's a process though and not a fun one. This is exactly why I would encourage you to attend some meetings and hear other people's stories first hand. You and your kids need to do your own recovery whether or not you stay with this guy or not. You've been touched by addiction whether you asked for it or not. Whether you are the addict or not. You too need to recover from it whether your boyfriend does or not. Let him do his work when and if he chooses and in the meantime, do your work. Your work will help you figure out what's best for you and your kids. That has to become your priority.

    In the meantime, set some hard boundaries for him. He won't like this but don't waiver. It's important. You still have two houses. If you ask me, you should not be living together. Put the house sale on hold and separate that. Tell him that you aren't ready to make that commitment. Keep your finances completely separate! If he asks to borrow money, remind yourself that you are helping him buy drugs. Say the words to him when he tries to make you feel guilty that "I will do anything to help you get clean but I won't do anything to help you stay sick". He needs to hear that and it will remind you that you are doing the right thing.

    Sorry. I know you were looking for answers here but there are none. I know this post is dismal and I'm sorry for that too. I hope you can see the spirit of these words though because these are only a few of the ugly truths of addiction and make no mistake about it, he has crossed that line from dependency to addiction. It's a fine line but the results are the same.

    Read threads here so that you can take a peak into what people who want to be clean willingly go through to get there. It's not a fun ride but it is possible.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  3. #3
    RedRibbons is offline New Member
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    Thank you so much for your thoughtful and informative response. I didn't feel that it was dismal, I felt that you were being honest and caring. I appreciate that a great deal.

    I wanted to respond on just a couple of points you brought up. First, I'll assure you that our finances are not joint, and he's never asked me for money. He makes quite a good living, and had a big nest egg. Even in my financial troubles, I wouldn't consider joining our finances, especially now.

    As for not living together and not helping him with his pill allotment, here are my concerns: I don't want to "punish" him for being honest with me. I'm sure it was very hard for him to admit all of the lies and to openly state that he was an addict and wanted help. I took that as a big first step, and I believe he's being genuine. I also fear having him to back to his house because if I'm not in charge of his pill dosing, he'll run out fast and be back in the same boat, and likely run to his mom, which would be the end of things. He told our counselor the whole story yesterday, and I'm hoping that he can be a guide to us knowing the best way to handle being safe and smart about who holds the meds. I don't want to end up in the enabler role myself, and I can't take the pressure, but I feel like since he opened up and wants help, I can help in that way for now until we find a better way.

    As for support groups of families and partners of addicts, which do you recommend as the best? I'm seeing Narcanon and Naranon and don't know the difference. I'm struggling to find a place that has meetings when I'm not at work. Maybe I'm not looking in the right place? But I agree; I definitely want/need support in this and feel like my life is getting wrapped up in his addiction.

    Thank you again for your helpful response. And bless you on your continued journey.
    Catrina likes this.

  4. #4
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedRibbons View Post
    Thank you so much for your thoughtful and informative response. I didn't feel that it was dismal, I felt that you were being honest and caring. I appreciate that a great deal.

    I wanted to respond on just a couple of points you brought up. First, I'll assure you that our finances are not joint, and he's never asked me for money. He makes quite a good living, and had a big nest egg. Even in my financial troubles, I wouldn't consider joining our finances, especially now.

    As for not living together and not helping him with his pill allotment, here are my concerns: I don't want to "punish" him for being honest with me. I'm sure it was very hard for him to admit all of the lies and to openly state that he was an addict and wanted help. I took that as a big first step, and I believe he's being genuine. I also fear having him to back to his house because if I'm not in charge of his pill dosing, he'll run out fast and be back in the same boat, and likely run to his mom, which would be the end of things. He told our counselor the whole story yesterday, and I'm hoping that he can be a guide to us knowing the best way to handle being safe and smart about who holds the meds. I don't want to end up in the enabler role myself, and I can't take the pressure, but I feel like since he opened up and wants help, I can help in that way for now until we find a better way.

    As for support groups of families and partners of addicts, which do you recommend as the best? I'm seeing Narcanon and Naranon and don't know the difference. I'm struggling to find a place that has meetings when I'm not at work. Maybe I'm not looking in the right place? But I agree; I definitely want/need support in this and feel like my life is getting wrapped up in his addiction.

    Thank you again for your helpful response. And bless you on your continued journey.
    Any of these support groups will work. They all have work the same way. The personalities may differ so it might take more than one try to find a meeting that fits for you. I'm glad that you're open to trying that.

    I didn't realize you were in therapy. That's great! I understand how you feel about him being honest and now you feel like if you do anything other than help him it would be punishing him. Honest. I really do get it. Been there for years. I won't preach to you because it wouldn't be fair. I don't know him. A support group and your therapist is going to help you. I promise so keep on track with that and you'll figure things out.

    Keep in touch here. I would really like to know how things are going for you and your boyfriend.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  5. #5
    RedRibbons is offline New Member
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    Thank you so much! Yes, I will continue to be in touch. I'm holding on to small glimpses of hope, and I truly hope he can get the hell he needs and I can support him through the process.

  6. #6
    Smilingstorm is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    Welcome Redribbons,

    That's a lot! A lot of everything. We can give you our opinion but I really think that you would benefit the most by finding a NALANON group/meeting and begin to go there. You can connect with other people with like circumstances and you won't feel so alone. They will share things that helped them and maybe you can learn some things to help you too. This isn't easy and I well know it. If we weren't so involved emotionally, it would make things easier but we are tied emotionally.

    I know more than a little somethin' somethin' about this kind of mess. I abused opiates for almost 20 years and am finally over 6-1/2 years clean. I also had/have some of the same back issues as your boyfriend. This first point is that I am able to control my pain/discomfort now more effectively with other things that are not narcotic and not addictive so just know that this possible but only if he wants it to be. That's up to your boyfriend to realize and understand and you won't convince him otherwise. Just throwing that out to you so that you can understand that he does have options. HE has to want them far more than YOU do.

    My adult son is an active H addict and lives with me so I know what it's like to love an addict and I also understand all too well the dynamics between your boyfriend and his mother. When I was using too it was not one of my proudest moments. I digress.

    I don't know if you're ready to hear everything I have to say but I'm going to say it anyway. Let me preface this by saying that you have done nothing wrong and this isn't your fault. None of it. You didn't sign up for this but here you are and you have to figure out what to do to survive and to keep your kids safe. THAT is your priority. As far as your boyfriend is concerned, there's not a lot you're going to do to help him out of this hole. It has to be his choice and his work. If he gets to the point (and I pray he will) you can support him in a healthy manner for all of you including your kids. They are old enough that as much as you can try to shield them from this, they see and know things.

    Step number 1 is for you to realize that you are not and can never be his keeper. It sounds like such a good idea to help him by controlling his meds. What this turns into is frustration for you and anger for him. An addict does not want to be controlled and they will not allow it. Period. Addicts are masters of manipulation. This doesn't make them bad people, it's the nature of the beast. What trying to control an addict does is to send them into a brand new level of lying and being devious. We so want to believe that they are doing better that we don't see that in order for you to continue to believe that, he is supplementing what you know he is taking with pills he's getting that you don't know about. Everyone is happy! You believe he's working on his abuse and he's getting what he wants where he can get it. Trouble is that it always catches up with both of you.

    Our drug of choice is our top priority. Above family, friends and even our own self worth. It's hard for a non-addict to understand this but believe me it's true. When I was actively using, I did things that I'm sure I'll go to h*ll for when I die. Things no good mother or grandmother would do but I did them and I didn't even think twice while I was doing them. To justify what we're doing or to defend what we're doing both to our loved ones AND ourselves is to find another place to put the blame. In your case, you aren't being supportive enough. Can I just say BS? Support what? His active abuse? That's what he's asking you to do. If he was making an effort to take control of his abuse, THAT'S what you would SUPPORT not try to do for him. He's the only one who can do this so please just stop trying to find a way to make it easier for him. You can't.

    It hurts my heart to hear your story and stories like yours--there's millions of them. It reminds me what it was like to be in active addiction and it also reminds me of all the right things I can do where my son is concerned. None of it is easy, I assure you. I'd like to tell you to run like you've never run before and get yourself out of this situation. That would be the right thing to do. It may not have to be forever, but for now it would be the right thing. It's a process though and not a fun one. This is exactly why I would encourage you to attend some meetings and hear other people's stories first hand. You and your kids need to do your own recovery whether or not you stay with this guy or not. You've been touched by addiction whether you asked for it or not. Whether you are the addict or not. You too need to recover from it whether your boyfriend does or not. Let him do his work when and if he chooses and in the meantime, do your work. Your work will help you figure out what's best for you and your kids. That has to become your priority.

    In the meantime, set some hard boundaries for him. He won't like this but don't waiver. It's important. You still have two houses. If you ask me, you should not be living together. Put the house sale on hold and separate that. Tell him that you aren't ready to make that commitment. Keep your finances completely separate! If he asks to borrow money, remind yourself that you are helping him buy drugs. Say the words to him when he tries to make you feel guilty that "I will do anything to help you get clean but I won't do anything to help you stay sick". He needs to hear that and it will remind you that you are doing the right thing.

    Sorry. I know you were looking for answers here but there are none. I know this post is dismal and I'm sorry for that too. I hope you can see the spirit of these words though because these are only a few of the ugly truths of addiction and make no mistake about it, he has crossed that line from dependency to addiction. It's a fine line but the results are the same.

    Read threads here so that you can take a peak into what people who want to be clean willingly go through to get there. It's not a fun ride but it is possible.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Hi! I'm a former pain pill user for actual pain. And also imaginary pain. I just read Cat's post to you 5 times. I suggest you do the same. Read them over and over. Lots of truth, clarity and love being shared within her words.

  7. #7
    RedRibbons is offline New Member
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    Thank you, yes, I've re-read it several times today and will continue to. Her message was incredibly helpful and supportive. Mostly right now I'm trying to digest it all and get myself to a clear-headed space so I can make good decisions that are healthy for me and my family, and hopefully helpful (rather than counter productive) to him.

    Thanks for kind your message and reminder. Cat's message really is inspirational.
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  8. #8
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    I am addict in recovery
    And been in love with an addict
    Who thank God is now in recovery!

    But the extremes a pill addict will go to get pills
    Is insane!

    His pain is real
    But
    It can be treated with things other than opiates..
    Because honestly a person can not evaluate their pain when they are dependant..

    I am 19 months clean
    And
    Have more physical pain in my life now
    Than I have ever had!
    But I am to the point that I realize
    The pain won't kill me
    But
    The pills will!

    My hope is that your boyfriend can get to that place!
    Excedrin
    Cryotherapy
    Exercise
    Supplements

    All these things work
    When the brain is not dependant ..

    The pain is not 24/7
    But
    The addiction is!

    It is a job managing pills
    I mean a 24hr 7 day a week job..

    To take that on for someone!
    Idk if that is really healthy or not ..
    I get it
    You wanting to help him!

    I just pray his desire to get help
    And
    His following through
    Is as much of a commitment
    As
    He is asking of you..

    I am happy you are in therapy !
    Because you have to look after you!
    Take care
    Keep posting it really does help

    Bette

  9. #9
    Smilingstorm is offline Senior Member
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    Jun 2016
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iluv2smile View Post
    I am addict in recovery
    And been in love with an addict
    Who thank God is now in recovery!

    But the extremes a pill addict will go to get pills
    Is insane!

    His pain is real
    But
    It can be treated with things other than opiates..
    Because honestly a person can not evaluate their pain when they are dependant..

    I am 19 months clean
    And
    Have more physical pain in my life now
    Than I have ever had!
    But I am to the point that I realize
    The pain won't kill me
    But
    The pills will!

    My hope is that your boyfriend can get to that place!
    Excedrin
    Cryotherapy
    Exercise
    Supplements

    All these things work
    When the brain is not dependant ..

    The pain is not 24/7
    But
    The addiction is!

    It is a job managing pills
    I mean a 24hr 7 day a week job..

    To take that on for someone!
    Idk if that is really healthy or not ..
    I get it
    You wanting to help him!

    I just pray his desire to get help
    And
    His following through
    Is as much of a commitment
    As
    He is asking of you..

    I am happy you are in therapy !
    Because you have to look after you!
    Take care
    Keep posting it really does help

    Bette
    It's a job managing pills. I mean 24/7 days a week. I am reposting this just not for you but for all. No truer words.
    Iwantoff2013 and Iluv2smile like this.

  10. #10
    RedRibbons is offline New Member
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    I replied last night, but my post disappeared into the interwebz. Sigh

    Full time job is right. I feel like I'm constantly counting, running up and down the stairs to grab and extra from the hidden bottle, trying to keep him on track with timing. This is my third month helping with it, but my first month after knowing the whole story. I never would've given them back after our fight last month had I known how deep the rabbit hole goes. Twice this week already I've been told that he "lost" two pills from his allotment. I don't know how that's possible. I didn't really believe it, but he spent quite a while looking for them, and asked me to help. How could he lose something that's more precious than oxygen to him? Or maybe he took them and is so wrapped up in this that he literally forgot? But he uses a phone app to keep track of his dosing schedule. I don't know.

    It's really encouraging to read that some of you have found success with non-opiate pain control. Gives me hope! And seeing your success with recovery also gives me hope!!

    Cat, I want to commend you for all of your strength with helping your son while going through recovery yourself. I know it's not comparable, but I can relate to the feeling of wanting to do anything to take the pain away from your child to the point that you'd take your own flesh off your skeleton if it only lessened their pain (both of my kids have had suicidal ideation, daughter self harm and suicide attempt; they both have severe depression and anxiety like their mom...) I can't imagine the pain you're in trying to help your son, and I wish for you continued atrength and healing, for both of you.

  11. #11
    RedRibbons is offline New Member
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    It's not going so well here. He didn't stick to his allotment, and has asked for extras each day this month. There's always an emergency, serious pain, or stress. Yesterday I opened up about how depressed I am and how scared and worried I am about our future. I told him that it's really hard to connect because he is so distant and I feel lonely even though I'm in a relationship. He got really upset with me and then I got blamed fo ho needing three extra pills. This is not the first time. So I have to ask: is it true that when someone is stressed out that it forces th Percocet to run through their system faster and then they need more? He says that the endorphins from stress make the meds rush through his system so fast that they're completely ineffective. Is this a real thing? And if so, does that mean that to support him through trying to get in a lower dose means that I just need to act complacent and pleasant 24/7 so he doesn't need more meds? He started with an allotment of 12/day. We now have 11 days before his fill and he's down to 9/day which is freaking him out, and he wants to do a taper. I feel like there's not enough for a taper because then we'll be in the same boat as last month where the last week he had 7/day at the end of the month and that's when he called his mom for 55 Vicodin to add to it and he was still miserable. I'm really nervous about getting him to his next refill. And I'm struggling with drawing lines and boundaries because it's always an "emergency" and I'm a horrible person if I tell him no. Any advice to help us get through?

  12. #12
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedRibbons View Post
    It's not going so well here. He didn't stick to his allotment, and has asked for extras each day this month. There's always an emergency, serious pain, or stress. Yesterday I opened up about how depressed I am and how scared and worried I am about our future. I told him that it's really hard to connect because he is so distant and I feel lonely even though I'm in a relationship. He got really upset with me and then I got blamed fo ho needing three extra pills. This is not the first time. So I have to ask: is it true that when someone is stressed out that it forces th Percocet to run through their system faster and then they need more? He says that the endorphins from stress make the meds rush through his system so fast that they're completely ineffective. Is this a real thing? And if so, does that mean that to support him through trying to get in a lower dose means that I just need to act complacent and pleasant 24/7 so he doesn't need more meds? He started with an allotment of 12/day. We now have 11 days before his fill and he's down to 9/day which is freaking him out, and he wants to do a taper. I feel like there's not enough for a taper because then we'll be in the same boat as last month where the last week he had 7/day at the end of the month and that's when he called his mom for 55 Vicodin to add to it and he was still miserable. I'm really nervous about getting him to his next refill. And I'm struggling with drawing lines and boundaries because it's always an "emergency" and I'm a horrible person if I tell him no. Any advice to help us get through?
    Hi there. Welcome. My heart breaks for you. Loving an addict is heartwrenching. I put my husband through hell for 10 years because of my opiate addiction.

    First let me say, he did not "lose" two pills. An addict's pills are top priority and worth more than gold. We don't lose them..period. He took them, then wanted more but needed an excuse to ask. Trust me, I pulled that EXACT thing with my husband more times than I can even remember. I even pretended to look for them so he would believe that I lost them and give me more. And no, stress does not cause pills to "run through his system faster and become less effective". That's total nonsense.

    I don't mean to be so blunt, but you need to understand that an addict will say ANYTHING to get what they want. That's a fact. Like Cat said, you cannot be his keeper. I completely understand wanting to help him by holding his pills and giving him his daily doses, but it seems he makes excuses and asks for more every day, yes? He has to be the one to hold himself accountable, not you.

    I'd like to write more but need to get back to work. Hope to talk to you soon.

    Hugs,
    Kat

  13. #13
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Ditto!

    He loves his pills more than you..

    Awful but true..
    It has nothing to do with you
    It is the nature of addiction!

    If he cannot even taper with someone else holding his pills
    That is not a good sign!

    There will always be some reason
    Some emergency
    Frankly
    Some B/S
    That will cause him to need 1 more !

    But 1 is too many
    And
    1000 never enough!

    This does not just go away
    Or
    Get better!
    He has to do the work!
    Do you want to be in a relationship where you are the mother to your mate?

    Not very attractive or appealing?

    Idk I really feel for you..
    He is high so he is numb to the problems he is causing!
    You have to set some boundaries
    And
    Stick to them
    No matter what!

    3-5 days and he could be clean!

    But he has to do it !
    Unfortunately you can't do it for him!

    Please look out for you..
    Because right now
    He can't !

    Take care
    Bette

    No he did not loose his pills!

    I can tell you how many pills " I lost"..
    None!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 08-11-2016 at 10:33 PM.

  14. #14
    RedRibbons is offline New Member
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    Thank you for your responses. Yes, they're hard to hear, but also necessary. I had a feeling that the "stress causing the meds to be ineffective" wasn't true, but that's been something he's always said...and I've gotten blamed a lot for shortages caused by my "causing him to be upset and depressed, and therefore causing him to run short". He says that I'm being hugely unsupportive if I bring up my "issues/problems" because he's struggling so much and I'm making it worse for him. But I don't have anyone to talk to because I can't talk to friends and family about this because it's such a bug secret. I do have my therapist, but she's hard to get in with and I can only see her for an hour once a month. I finally found an open NA group that meets Saturday mornings, so I'm excited to hopefully find some help there. He sleep really late on weekends, so I should be able to get there without causing an uproar. I didn't really believe him about losing the pills either, and I thank you for verifying my feelings. He thinks I'm being unfair when I don't trust him, but how can I? I mean it's only been like three weeks since he told me he's been lying to me for a year and a half about spending thousands of dollars and getting extra meds from a drug dealer. He thinks I'm being completely unreasonable and that I shouldn't be so upset because he's now told me the truth. And he's really upset that I told him we need to put a hold on him moving more things into my house because I want him to show me first that he will get better. I do love him, but I'm trying to protect myself and my daughter from a future of hell. I've been so depressed and hurt over this and he's upset that I'm making it "all about me". It's so hard. On top of it all, I'm on the eighth day on a migraine (migraines since I was sixteen, that doctors are struggling to treat). It won't stop, and I'm in so much pain and have to keep goin to work and taking care of everyone. I'm so tired. So incredibly tired.

  15. #15
    Lydz84 is offline New Member
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    I am a recovering addict myself in my first month. But I just wanted to explain a different perspective.
    I cared for my elderly father for 4 years. I bathed, cooked, took him out. Basically having a child and I don't have children, we will often forget to look after ourselves when looking after someone else.
    I don't know how you can manage his habitual use as well as your own sanity, having any fun at all and having children.
    In the end. As much as it killed me. I had to put my father in a facility where he could have proper treatment. He hated me at first. But not because I moved him. But because he could no longer lean on me, use me, become complacent and be lazy about trying to get better. I was lucky to do it when I did as his brain tumours began to effect his speech, actions and behaviors.
    Please realize that one day. You may need to do the same. I still visited. I was very much apart of his life until he finally passed away from irreversible brain damage.
    My brothers had to convince me to make the move. I couldn't do it on my own. Take the assistance around you and when you decide to make a change don't waiver.
    FORGIVING DISRESPECT WILL ONLY ALLOW THE DISRESPECT TO CONTINUE. He may not be hurting you intentionally but the fact is. He is hurting you.
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  16. #16
    RedRibbons is offline New Member
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    Thank you for your thoughts and advîce. I think you really drew a good analogy. I've been thinking long and hard about all of this and trying to come to terms with what is best.

    I went to my first NA meeting on Saturday and it was really helpful. It was nice to be around people in person who understood what I was goi h through. There was one other person present who was Ina a similar situation although it was with her son. She had some great advice and support.

    Afterward, I had a long talk with my boyfriend and told him that when his next fill comes, I will not be giving any extras ever. He can get mad, or cry, or tell me I'm not supporting, but it won't happen. He are now dealing with a week of him being on half his dose (6 now) and he's in terrible shape. I'm using the phrase that Kat posted, "I'll do anything to help you heal, but I won't do anything to make you sicker." I told him that our future absolutely depends on him getting right with his meds. He picked up some "Calm Support" supplements today (like "Withdrawal Ease") and we're hoping it will help him get through the week.

    Question for those who might know: he has been saying he's in physical danger. His pulse is high and he's short of breath and his chest hurts. Is this a common withdrawal feeling or is he actually in physical danger and needs to go to the hospital. I don't know if that's just the cravings and he's saying that to get more pills or if he's really at risk for a heart attack. Please advise if you can. Thanks!
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  17. #17
    Smilingstorm is offline Senior Member
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    Hi! I had a few days where my heart was literally beating out of my chest. I wrote about it! I felt like I was going to implode. Shortness of breath too. It's anxiety. I almost went to er but everyone here kind of let me know it was not my heart.

    But it's always cool to be sure. Walk in medical centers usually can do an EKG and an X-ray at office. Cheaper than er.

    I stopped coffee and for almost a week and used "nerve tonic" and "calm" Hylands. L-theanine chewables. Seemed to keep me even keel without thinking I was having a heart attack!

    Stay strong!

  18. #18
    Nolongerfooled is offline Junior Member
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    Redribbions I have read your post and I hope what I about to say will help you. I too have severe back& neck problems I was on opiates for nearly 20 years. Then I found a pain management doctor who believed more in stopping the pain at the source than handing out pills. As far as I can see you don't mention whether your BF has tried this option. If he is not having pain you won't feel guilty not giving him extra pills. As you are aware you can't make him stop. That will only happen when he is ready. I agree groups will support you and give you options. Good luck.
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  19. #19
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedRibbons View Post
    Thank you for your thoughts and advîce. I think you really drew a good analogy. I've been thinking long and hard about all of this and trying to come to terms with what is best.

    I went to my first NA meeting on Saturday and it was really helpful. It was nice to be around people in person who understood what I was goi h through. There was one other person present who was Ina a similar situation although it was with her son. She had some great advice and support.

    Afterward, I had a long talk with my boyfriend and told him that when his next fill comes, I will not be giving any extras ever. He can get mad, or cry, or tell me I'm not supporting, but it won't happen. He are now dealing with a week of him being on half his dose (6 now) and he's in terrible shape. I'm using the phrase that Kat posted, "I'll do anything to help you heal, but I won't do anything to make you sicker." I told him that our future absolutely depends on him getting right with his meds. He picked up some "Calm Support" supplements today (like "Withdrawal Ease") and we're hoping it will help him get through the week.

    Question for those who might know: he has been saying he's in physical danger. His pulse is high and he's short of breath and his chest hurts. Is this a common withdrawal feeling or is he actually in physical danger and needs to go to the hospital. I don't know if that's just the cravings and he's saying that to get more pills or if he's really at risk for a heart attack. Please advise if you can. Thanks!
    That is excellent news! You're taking a stand and setting boundaries. That's all you can do to help him.

    Opiate withdrawal is not life threatening, but it can feel that way. Unless he has some sort of medical condition that might cause those symptoms, he may be trying to get extra pills again. Wouldn't hurt to get him checked out just in case there's something else going on with his health.

    Instead of NA, you mean AlAnon or NarcAnon, right? Those are the groups for people like you who love an addict and need support for themselves.

    All the best to you.
    Kat

  20. #20
    RedRibbons is offline New Member
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    I'd love it if he could find a way to treat the pain at its source rather than mask it with meds. My understanding is that there is a situation with the crushed nerves in his back being too close to other things (sorry, I can't remember the specifics as I'm half awake) to do surgery. Like he's been told he's not a candidate. I don't know if there's other treatments. I've asked about injections and he said he's tried that with no relief. Physical therapy didn't help. Is there something else I'm not thinking of that people have had luck with? He's also afraid of back surgery because he feels it will wearing the back further and will only get the issue to stop progressing but not change his current pain levels. Personally I'd like to see it not get worse!

  21. #21
    RedRibbons is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nolongerfooled View Post
    Redribbions I have read your post and I hope what I about to say will help you. I too have severe back& neck problems I was on opiates for nearly 20 years. Then I found a pain management doctor who believed more in stopping the pain at the source than handing out pills. As far as I can see you don't mention whether your BF has tried this option. If he is not having pain you won't feel guilty not giving him extra pills. As you are aware you can't make him stop. That will only happen when he is ready. I agree groups will support you and give you options. Good luck.
    Quote Originally Posted by Iwantoff2013 View Post
    That is excellent news! You're taking a stand and setting boundaries. That's all you can do to help him.

    Opiate withdrawal is not life threatening, but it can feel that way. Unless he has some sort of medical condition that might cause those symptoms, he may be trying to get extra pills again. Wouldn't hurt to get him checked out just in case there's something else going on with his health.

    Instead of NA, you mean AlAnon or NarcAnon, right? Those are the groups for people like you who love an addict and need support for themselves.

    All the best to you.
    Kat
    It was NA actually. There was an open meeting and I checked with the man who set it up and he said they are open to friends and family supporting a loved one through addiction because it helps the whole group to see all the affects of their addiction. There was another woman there supporting her son. He gave me group meeting times for NarcAnon and AlAnon as well, but they're when I'm working. The whole group was really great and welcoming and they said they were all in consensus that it was totally cool if I kept coming :-)

    Definitely have me some great ideas on setting boundaries. I'm also working through the twelve steps with slightly altered verbiage.

  22. #22
    Nolongerfooled is offline Junior Member
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    Redribbions food for thought, I don't know your BF condition, however it took me 2-3 pain management doctors to find the right one that helped me. Never go with one doctors opinion. I found a doctor that did proylo therapy, it's a type of injection that makes your body think it has been hurt so it sends good cells to heal the area. I am not sure I spelled that right it's either prylo or prolo. At any rate it healed my neck and I have no pain anymore in my neck. It took several injections over several months but was so worth it . Good luck.

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