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GetMyLifeBackAgain's Journey
  1. #1
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Talking GetMyLifeBackAgain's Journey

    Hi, I'm new to this forum and had to work up the courage to post here but also have read through countless stories and it really has helped me so far so I wanted to share my own journey in the hopes it helps someone else!

    Background: 32, Male, Divorced once, engaged to be married again Summer 2016, 2 soon to be wonderful step-kids who've been in my life for the last 3 years. College graduate with a Bachelors in IT. Prominent business owner who is well know in my community.

    So I wanted to share my day to day experiences here withdrawing from a painkiller addiction. It really started 10 years ago when I first tried any narcotic painkiller. Vicodin was my first experience after a Meniscus Ligament and ACL tissue tear in my right knee. They actually started me on Percocet which I did not like due to constipation mainly with it causing stomach problems. I then asked the Dr. to switch me to something else and he started me on Hydrocodones. Now I'd take as need and as prescribed but wasn't big into them and sold off most of them I got, which was a 60-pill refill every 3 days for about 3 months, no addictions to it yet. Fast forward a couple years and I'm hanging out with a couple friends drinking and one pulls out a bag of about 30 vicodin and asked if I was down. I remembered how much I did like the high so I said "yeah lets do it". Well we ended up snorting about 10 a piece that day, which is horrible to do with vicodin. That went on for a week or so then laid them down again. I always seen myself as one without an addictive personality, besides cigarettes which that's a whole other story.

    The main story I've been wanting to share is my past year experiences. It started pretty random with Percocet, or whatever other narcotic pill I can get my hands on, just popping or snorting one every other day or so. Then it went to every day, then 3 a day, and ended up just about every 2 hours snorting 10mg percocets every day almost. This got bad. I didn't have a standing prescription so I was buying it left and right, whenever a friend heard of any for sale I was the first guy to talk to. In the first few months of this last year I did stop once, only had w/d symptoms for one day, never went through w/d before so thought it was just the 24 hour flu or something like that. 2 weeks later back on them once I was able to score again. Went on that way again gradually building back up to every other hour snorting 10s. Well a week ago I decided it was enough, no more being high all the time guy, I wanted my life back!!! That lasted all of 20 hours. Realized going through w/d on a Monday wasn't going to be feasible since I had to be actively running a business also. Decided to go on with normal and once I got low stay there and taper. Well Thursday came and I was at my last 8. Decided to do one every 4-5 hours to taper for the next 2 days. Took my last one 6/19 at 8:15pm. I'm now on day 4 being clean. This is basically a quit cold turkey situation. And this is where my day to day comes, going to try to record memorable moments through this day to day journey as it really is a moment to moment, minute to minute, journey....

    Day 1 (6/20): Took last one at 8:15pm last night, stupid move, kept me up til 3:30am, thank God it's Saturday the next day, no work. Woke up today at 12pm. Was up for an hour before diarrhea set in. Went to bathroom 2 times in the next 1/2 hour. Stabled out. Noticed I was freezing even though temps are reaching 70 by now. Also have a consistent runny nose. Fiance's starts asking why I'm wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, I tell her I think I'm coming down with a cold or something. (BTW: never told fiance about addiction, kept it in secret). 3pm rolls around, time to get ready for stepdaughter's 6th Bday party at park. No energy, feeling really blah, freezing, sweating, in and out of bathroom every 20-30 minutes, stomach in knots. Goes on like this for the next 6 hours where I'm home again and wrapped up again. Tried to go to bed early on a Saturday night around 10pm. AARGH can't fall asleep, can't get comfortable for nothing. Believe I'm experiencing Restless Leg Syndrom. Sweating profusely all night also, must have woken up 6 times, not cool have to be up at 7:30.

    Day 2 (6/21, Father's Day): Couldn't sleep at all last night, running on 3 1/2 hours. Dead tired. Legs are twitchy and not really in sync with me, almost tripped alot. Runny nose again. Thankfully I get to spend the next 3 hours in the car going north to a Baseball game with my Dad, 2 sisters, and Brother in law. I hid out in 3rd row seat and tried sleeping on the way there, again can't get comfortable, prob because trying to sleep on a leather bench seat. Still freezing all day even though it's 80 degrees out. Group decided to stop by a Bass Pro Shop and Niece's Mom's house since we're in the area. Barely staying awake by now, it's only 7:00pm. Good thing is diarrhea hasn't been too bad today. Finally make the jaunt back home get there at 10pm. Walk in the door, sit with the Fiance talking for 15 minutes talking about each other's day. Head to bed close to 11. UGH can't sleep again, dead tired and exhausted, cold to the bones, Brain wide awake. Decided to take 10mg of Melatonin to help out. Puts me out 45min later, wake up 4-5 times over the night either freezing or sweating, body couldn't decide which route to go???

    Day 3: Monday, back to work today. Woke up at 7:30am. Kinda feeling alright, legs not feeling too bad. Nose clearing up, still slightly runny, not that bad. Still using br every 1/2 hour tho. Something weird is happening though. Left side of body is normal feeling, not chilled, while right side is still chilled. Go to work to open at 9am. Seem to have more energy today then last couple days?? Still dealing with right side chills and tingling (goosebumps kinda?). Make it through to 530pm without too much issues. Even ate a sandwich wrap for lunch. Go home have to work on truck that broke down a week or so ago, finally got parts in today. Spent next 3 hours doing that, no bathroom runs or anything. Right side still chilled but it's 80 degrees out so not really bugging me too much. Bedtime, take a hotter then I normally take shower, pop 10mg of Melatonin, lay with Fiance for a half hour, pass out. Only wake up once during night at about 530am.

    Day 4 (Today): Finally roll out of bed at 8:10am fairly tired still. Nose is fine, sneezing periodically though. Have to get ready and go to work by 9. Something weird again. This day left side of body is chilled and tingly, right side fairly normal maybe slightly cold. Get to work on time. Customer at the door right when I unlock it. Talk to him 5-10 minutes, go back to my desk, feeling more awake now, still cold on one side..........more to come...

    Sorry about the length of this if you're still with me, what helped me through today is reading detailed w/d stories, so wanted to do the same. I'm only on day 4 of my journey which from what I've heard and hope is my ending stretch. I will NEVER go through this again.

  2. #2
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Good decision to get off the drugs and welcome to the board. Beware. You will feel really good in a few days, but as the weeks drag on, you could experience any or all of the following: depression, lethargy, low energy, anxiety, and lack of motivation. This could be a dangerous time as you might be tempted to use just for a perk, and it will lead you back into the habit. It's really best if you get some followup help such as NA meetings to support you for a good long while after you get clean. It's easy to feel like you will never do this again in the middle of withdrawal, but as women have proven throughout time, just because you swear you'll never get pregnant again while in hard labor, it doesn't actually work that way or no woman would have more than one child.

  3. #3
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Rest of Day 4: Things got a little difficult later on. Had a good friend stop by my work just to chat and try to sell me his prescription for Vicodin. I was anybody's first point of contact when pills came about. I told him that I cleaned up off them and that I wasn't interested. He didn't argue it and we chatted about other stuff. Left side of body stayed cold all day long. Finished work at 530 and went home. Had to finish fixing my truck so that kept me pretty busy til about 830 which is really helpful. Layed inside with the kids and Fiance for about 2 hours and mosied off to bed around 10:30. Was super tired most of the day also, might chalk that up to the Melatonin, not sure? Decided probably shouldn't take it tonight and fell asleep around 11:15.

  4. #4
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Something I forgot to mention I think is rather important here is...4 weeks ago my Fiance went through Sleeve Gasterectomy surgery, which is similar to Gastric Bypass, but different. The doctor that performed it prescribed her 90 5mg Oxycodone's (one of my all time favorites). Before I started the w/d phase I had snuck about 28 out of this bottle un-noticed. I've kept her in the dark through this and plan to until I can successfully say I'm recovered. Well this bottle says take 1-3 pills every 3 hours or as needed for pain, that to me is 5mg every hour, that was actually more or less the same I was taking as an addict. What sickens me is this doctor is basically telling her to become addicted to these things. So she took pills as needed and she has never had our problem with addiction so she quit taking them when the pain went away. Well...there is still 10 or so in this bottle in our cupboard, AARRGGHHH!!! They use to sit on the window sill above the kitchen sink so I'd see them everyday, then they got moved into a higher up cupboard in the kitchen along with the rest of our OTC supplements, Ibuprofen, and such, our Medicine Cabinet so to speak. Now the good thing is I rarely think about them or forget about them but they nag every so often because I know I could take 1 or 2 of those without anyone noticing. Thank God they're now out of eyesight though. Now if I flush them then she will eventually notice and probably ask about it and that will open up the door for the addiction talk prematurely. Kinda wondering what people suggest I do here?

  5. #5
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Day 5: Woke up at 7:15 got about 6 1/2 hrs sleep more then I've been getting, thinking the Melatonin was still messing with me though from the day or so before. Been dealing with lots of low energy, exhaustion, and bad RLS. Decided to get Hylands RLS to battle that, also decided to try Loperamide tablets as I've heard it helps during w/d phase. Also picked up B6 hopefully for energy. Nose was still running today. Most of day went alright got pretty active at work getting things done so that helps. Got home and stayed active doing landscaping at my house. At night I was sniffling and my Fiance asked what was going on, I told her still dealing with head cold, she asked if I was on Cocaine??? I told her of course not, didn't really talk about it after that. Thinking it may be about time to come out of the dark to her and tell her what I'm really going through. Oh yeah did notice while sitting in my office I started feeling very uncomfortable and moving around alot, actually took me a minute to realize I was freaking roasting hot. It's been in the low to high 80s here for a week. Decided to turn on AC, that helped. Still dealing with chills/goosebumps on my right shoulder blade. Wish that would go away. Decided to finally turn in about 11:30. Noticed I've been falling asleep a little easier, just wish I would stay asleep long enough to feel refreshed in the morning. Man this battle with this Beast really is a day to day struggle isn't it?

  6. #6
    heymj is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Get, yes it's a xxxxx to get off these things. Was taking 9-10 10/325 hydros for around three years. Coming
    off was pretty bad for me. That said, I'm now on day 10 and things are better. Slept a full night, virtually no RLS and the runs are gone. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and everyday gets a little bit easier. Gonna try B6 and B12 for energy as I'm still pretty exhausted. Anyway, hang in there.

  7. #7
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Some hope for you all. Day 58 clean for me. It gets a hell of a lot better when you at this clean. Life is so much better. The key is time.
    JustMike likes this.

  8. #8
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Hey all, I haven't posted for a bit because I've been super busy, which is a good thing I guess?? I'm still clean! Starting day 10 here since kicked everything. I have to say this ride has been up and down. My biggest complaints right now are RLS and lack of energy, also not sleeping real good still. I might be dealing with a bit of anxiety also, not sure??? I live in the Pacific Northwest and man it has been hot hot hot here lately, which is why I've been so busy. We have been enjoying the heck out of this sun lately, which I think has been helping drastically with recovery.

    Anyways I'm gonna quit posting here and start a thread in the "need to talk" section as that seems where its most active. Good luck to people following. I'm 10 days in and can say it's a journey but one well worth taking.

  9. #9
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Congratulations for day 10! Just stay with it. It will get better. The difficulty sleeping, the lack of energy, it will get better but it feels like it will go on forever. Don't cave to temptation or it will take that much longer to get better. Sorry I didn't see your question above til now, about your fiance's bottle of pills. I kind of think you should tell her the whole truth now. You don't want to open up the addiction talk "prematurely" but every day that goes by without you coming completely clean to her about everything you've done, is another day she is deeper into a life with you, without knowing all the facts. And that is not fair to her. Plus you really do need to either get her to flush the pills, or get her to lock them up away from you. Otherwise they will remain too much a temptation.

  10. #10
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Decided to keep a thread here...Day 11 now.

    Been taking a Flexeril 10MG once before bed for the last 2 nights to calm down pain in my knees and shoulder, helps alot, sleep through the night but usually wake up groggy and no energy the next day, so tonight I'm gonna go to bed without it and see if that's whats causing major lack of energy/motivation. I have a strong feeling that's not whats causing it though, I believe it's PAWS.

    So my right shoulder the doctor is believing is a torn rotator cuff, majory surgery and recovery time including physical therapy. The knees not really sure what their issues are? I was pretty rough on them at a young age due to Dirtbike racing and quad riding. Had surgery and 46 staples in my right knee at one point and my left knee I twisted the .... out of it. I'm thinking my pill addiction for the last year has just been hiding the pain there...could also be the RLS??

    Anyways...on with Day 11, it's been a pretty slow and boring day at work today but reading these forums has helped pass the time...just taking it minute by minute still in knowing I can beat this addiction and overcome...

  11. #11
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Ouch the knee knee surgery! And the shoulder. You might be right about the pills masking the pain, I think I had the same thing with my bad knees.

  12. #12
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Well day 11 finished off was pretty boring day after work just went home and decided to start straightening the garage up. We just had hardwood floors installed 4 weeks ago and put most of our junk in the garage, which still hasn't migrated to the house. Decided against taking any sleep aids or Flexeril just to see how I'd sleep off of anything. Well slept fairly good, passed out around 1am and woke up about 8am.

    Day 12: Woke up about 8am, decided to go to work late and wen't back to sleep til around 11am. Definitely more sleep then I've been getting lately. Problem is I think I slept too long and woke up sore. Here it is 4 hours later and still feeling like I could sleep more. Whole body is sore right now, took 800mg ibuprofen hoping that helps. Also been sneezing periodically. Both knees are still in pain but nothing like the last couple of days. I also don't think the RLS is going as bad anymore. Starting to see the other side of things...

  13. #13
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    I saw your post on another thread..
    I believe that is one of the secrets of staying clean..
    Getting off of our potty pot
    And helping someone else..
    It seems strange to take OTC meds..
    Right?

    But they work!
    Who knew?

    I take excedrin
    It has Tylenol and aspirin in it..

    And about the cannibus oil..
    You don't get high from it..
    My friend gave me some..
    I have tennis elbow..
    Don't play tennis
    But am a RN and do many repetitive motions..
    I was afraid to use it..
    I don't know why
    But I just was..
    She uses it and swears she doesn't feel anything..

    I just did not want to chance maybe a drug test at work or something..
    Have it come up + for THC and I don't have a RX..

    I have worked there 20+ years
    And never had to test..
    But just like you I have worked so hard to get clean
    This last 1yr1/2
    And
    I am not risking it for a little relief..
    The pain won't kill us ..
    But
    The pills will..
    I just wanted to say!
    Congratulations!

    We never have to use again!
    That is awesome!
    Bette
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-01-2015 at 08:41 PM.
    getmylifebackagain likes this.

  14. #14
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Well Day 12 finished off pretty good, wen't home from work and me, fiance, 2 kids decided to come back to my work which has a pretty high def private theater there to watch a movie, kinda like our own private movie theaters. Well didn't realize one of my other guys took something out for a customer and that plan went bust. We decided to get some Taco Bell and let the 6 yr old play at the spray park. Got back home about 9pm and chilled in the living room for a bit. Then me and the Fiance decided to lay in the room and watch a movie. Pretty good one too, Kingsman. Well movie ended and started to have trouble falling asleep, although super tired. Rustled around for a bit and thought about taking Melatonin or a Flexeril to help but decided against it. Forced myself to quit moving and finally fell asleep.

    Day 13: Woke up about 7:20am with the Fiance. Not bad about 6.5hrs sleep. I do believe sleep is starting to come back pretty good. Also, the RLS seems to fading fairly quickly. Today should be a good day, just have to battle through work for the next 8 hours or so....Will update the rest of the day when I make it there...

    Ya know most people do the jump when they have a vacation or when they're not working. Thinking back I think I coulda made the jump on a Monday morning. I did my last pill on a Friday at 8:15pm. I get so super busy on the weekends that I think I chose the wrong time to jump. Mind you I did it CT also. I'm a repair technician / business owner and the majority of my day I'm in front of this computer screen. Sometimes the day just drags on and sometimes it flies by for me here...

  15. #15
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Day 13 finished off pretty good. Made it through work til 530 and decided to go with the coworker to a golfing thing. Pretty fun. Was having left side chills all day but this 95 degree heat is kinda overpowering that. Didn't make it home til 9pm and sat and chatted with the Fiance for an hour or so talking about a baseball game were going to. Finally hit the sack about 11:15, had a little trouble falling asleep at first but finally made it.

    Day 14: Wahoo 2 week mark today!!! Small accomplishment to some but huge one for me. Have to work a few hours today so decided to sleep in late since fiance has day off and woke up about 815. Made it to work on time and feeling pretty good today. No chills or anything. Gonna be another hot one here, our weather in the Pacific NW has been fairly insane lately without a day below 85 in 2 weeks or better now. Feels so good to be able to get up like a normal person now and not have to rely on drugs to wake up with. I have my sleep back as I've been sleeping throughout the night for 4 nights now! More to come....

  16. #16
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    So..days 15 and 16: Been sleeping through the night fine, just noticing I'm having a hard time getting out of bed now. Also been feeling super sore last couple days, could be from all the outside stuff we've been doing lately since it's been in the 90s here for about 2 weeks or so straight. So day 15 was July 4th. Had alot of fun we decided to skip town and drive 1.5 hours to Long Beach, WA. where the fireworks celebration is pretty insane. Stopped by a swimming hole on the way and went off a rope swing a couple times. Had a blast, other then the tiring drive home at 2 am.

    I'm on Day 17 now and can say that I don't really crave that much, rarely ever right now. I'm dealing with my pains like normal people medicating with Ibuprofen and Tylenol. They're not as strong as the beast but they help and I'm not going get addicted to them. My RLS still creeps up a little at night before bed, just a fight to get comfortable for a few, tossing and turning. I'm sleeping through the night fine. Haven't been waking up so well, keep feeling like I need 10-12 hours of sleep for some reason, may not be PAWS related though.

    I think I've came to the decision that Friday, 21 days clean, I'm going to have the discussion with the Fiance about what I've been dealing with. The reason I've waited so long is I have done this before and it caused us to split up for a few weeks. We obviously got back together but it's still a tough talk to have for me. I know she loves me a lot and I'll probably be fine but just saying this isn't an easy thing to do.

  17. #17
    Cajunprincess is offline New Member
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    I have seen many, many Journeys here over the last three days. I can say I am coming off of 15 years of opiates for the last three years up to 4/30mg Roxy and 2 opana 40 per day, legally. I have three weeks of meds left and quit cold turkey 40 hours ago. I only have chills and could not sleep but 5 hrs last night. I would probably have convulsions trying to do this but I found the magic withdrawal solution. Kratom..... It should be illegal for rehab centers to give people methadone and suboxone knowing this herb is available. Shame on the government and big pharma for keeping us prisoners to the poison that they get us addicted to.

  18. #18
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    I've read and had a couple people suggest Kratom. This is what I know about it. My sister who has been an avid user and abuser of Alcohol and Pills for years now got into marijuana with her boyfriend a few years back. Well, she was also messing with Kratom. The stuff caused a psycho-trip for her to the point of where she was holding her 7 year old full-blown autistic daughter naked on the street screaming at cops and neighbors about how someone was trying to take her baby. There was news involved and everything which helped the Fox news team lead an investigation into the psycho-active effects of Kratom. Well these news people were interviewing everybody including trying to put my Dad on camera who lives 3 blocks from my sister, needless to say he hid from the camera to avoid the embarrassment as he is a public figure in our community.

    While Kratom is probably safe in small doses I've personally seen it become a major problem causing these psycho trips in more then one person in my town of 60,000 plus or so. I also believe that starting Kratom would possibly be just trading one addiction for another.

  19. #19
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    End of Day 17: Wen't on like normal, was pretty motivated at work and got a lot done! Still dealing with a fairly large drop in energy but it seems to be smoothing out, usually starts about 3pm now doesn't hit til about 5pm. So from always crushing and snorting pills around my work bench I used to have residue all over bags I used to crush under. I thought I got rid of them all and when I had to put some parts in a bag the first one I grabbed had residue all over it. Back when I was using I used to wet a finger and rub it all of and lick it off just to get a little something. Now seeing this sent my anxiety through the roof. For the next hour I was kind of freaking out trying everything I could to lower it.

    I finally settled down about 2 hours later when I got busy doing stuff at work and finally took my mind off of it. But WOW! I have been dealing with knowing that the BEAST is right in our medicine cabinet at home and it hasn't persuaded me at all. Mostly just forget about them. This time it hit hard. Well I did end up getting some on my fingers so I immediately threw the bag away and rinsed my hands off in the sink and used hand sanitizer.

    Got to bed around 12 again. Fiance seems to like to keep me up later then I prefer. I noticed around 10-1030 I get dead tired every night also, this isn't usual for me. I'm usually up til Midnight then wake up around 7am or so.

    Day 18: Slept fine again. Forced myself out of bed at 7:15am. Been getting hit with bouts of morning diarrhea so immediately went into the bathroom. Had coffee like usual, and sat around to watch the news til 8:30 and left for work. Another real busy day at work. Flew by pretty quickly without any temptations or thoughts of the beast. Energy slumped about 5pm like it has been. Had to work a bit late to catch up on some financial things and got home finally around 7pm. Sat out in the front yard chatting with the Fiance for about 30 minutes. Went to the backyard to get something and realized how sick I am of the weeds that were over running our patio and hot tub. Decided to go nuts on them and clean our whole patio off, cleaned the grill off to get it ready for BBQ'ing also. Was doing that til about 9pm and came in. Decided to run to DQ to get us some late sundaes.

    I noticed before bed these last few nights or so that I toss and turn alot more then usual to figure out a comfortable sleeping position. Believe it could be lasting symptoms of RLS. I've been sleeping 7-9 hours no problem lately without waking up. Just seems to take a half hour to get to sleep.

    Day 19: Today, let's do this!!!

  20. #20
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Just a quick update: Day 33 here! Still doing good. Life's been so busy lately that it's hard to find time to get on here and check up. That's a good thing I guess? Never thought I'd get to the 10 day mark let alone the 30 day mark!!!

    Today starts day 33 and I'm still fueled by the saying: "I will not use today!"

  21. #21
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Hi! Day 38! This will be my final entry on this journal. I haven't felt any PAWS for probably a week now. The last things to come back are energy of course and I found that a week ago I was getting annoyed and irritated real quick. Seems like my mood was just all over the place for a week.

    This has been quite the journey. I found that keeping myself busy, which is easy since it seems like I never have free time anyways, has been the key factor in recovery. I no longer crave for pills the way I used to. I rarely think about them. I have re-learned to live life on life's terms.

    I just hope now I can help others going through the same struggles. This site has been nothing but a Godsend in every way. It has been my personal NA meetings. It will continue to be also. I'm not leaving the site, I will still post and reply as usual. I don't think my journey will truly ever end, but I think my day to day has been the same for a couple weeks now about...

  22. #22
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    52 days clean today!!! Still hanging in and avoiding any using situation. Life is definitely better on this side!

  23. #23
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    You are there. Lol. I remember being at those days. .. felt better than the first month. I'm over 100 days clean and in such a better state of mind. Keep going forward.

  24. #24
    Poppy Girl 37 is offline Member
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    Got Your Life Back,
    Thanks for sharing your story! I'm at the beginning of this journey, looking at the long road ahead. I love reading success stories like yours where brave people have fought through the wd symptoms and gotten their lives back. You're an inspiration. One day I hope to be there too!
    Poppy

  25. #25
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Ugh, I feel disgusted at myself and defeated. Went 80 days clean. Was sitting at the kitchen table and the 3 oxy in the med cabinet finally overpowered me. At day 80! I couldn't believe it, I knew and even yelled out loud at myself to not mess with it and just throw them away. Just felt like I was so over the addiction that a little nibble isn't going to hurt anything....that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life...I think it was cat on here that said 1 is too many, 1000 is not enough, how true that is...

    Fast forward to 2 days ago...Fiance left me 2 weeks ago, living at my grandma's trying to rebuild, still running a business but struggling financially, mainly in part of all the money I've spent on this >>>>. Trying to rekindle me and the fiance's relationship but not going anywhere this time yet..

    Finally broke down a couple days ago to my knees literally and realized I will never change anything if I can't change myself first. So here it goes....again...if nobody wants to help I understand but this forum always felt so helpful I can't shy away from it.

    Day 2 (again): Minor RLS, right side of body chills, partial sweating, overall a little uncomfortable, energy level is alright but not great. If this is the worse it gets then I may be alright here, but not keeping hopes up for that just yet because I've been here before.

  26. #26
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by getmylifebackagain View Post
    Ugh, I feel disgusted at myself and defeated. Went 80 days clean. Was sitting at the kitchen table and the 3 oxy in the med cabinet finally overpowered me. At day 80! I couldn't believe it, I knew and even yelled out loud at myself to not mess with it and just throw them away. Just felt like I was so over the addiction that a little nibble isn't going to hurt anything....that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life...I think it was cat on here that said 1 is too many, 1000 is not enough, how true that is...

    Fast forward to 2 days ago...Fiance left me 2 weeks ago, living at my grandma's trying to rebuild, still running a business but struggling financially, mainly in part of all the money I've spent on this >>>>. Trying to rekindle me and the fiance's relationship but not going anywhere this time yet..

    Finally broke down a couple days ago to my knees literally and realized I will never change anything if I can't change myself first. So here it goes....again...if nobody wants to help I understand but this forum always felt so helpful I can't shy away from it.

    Day 2 (again): Minor RLS, right side of body chills, partial sweating, overall a little uncomfortable, energy level is alright but not great. If this is the worse it gets then I may be alright here, but not keeping hopes up for that just yet because I've been here before.
    It happens, don't beat yourself up. How long and how much have you been using this time?

  27. #27
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    About 8-9 months or so sometimes up to 150mg a day of a cocktail of oxycodone, oxycontin, vic, anything opiate I can get without going as hard as H or Meth thank God.

  28. #28
    getmylifebackagain is offline Junior Member
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    Jun 2015
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    Well after thinking about it some more I guess this is actually day 4 so,

    Day 4: Couldn't sleep at all last night, not sure how much I got but I'd guess 4 hours? Feel completely exhausted today which sucks because it's Monday and have to work today. Fairly certain I dealt with bad RLS all over last night, tossed and turned and sweated all night. Have been having runs all morning also. Have taken 5 tablets of Loperamide to help with that and anything else it might help with. The chills may be subsiding some by now thank God but on with the other symptoms...

  29. #29
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Op... similar to mem knee issue but 8 yrs of party use. My trick to quit is WANTING to wuit. If you dont want to quit, got bad news for you.

  30. #30
    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Hey just jumping in to show support. I also relapsed and it gets scarier every time for me. If I continue to think I can handle it, than I will be going back to day 1 too many times.
    Lets just do this THIS TIME. Let's learn the lessons we needed to learn and show this addiction it isn't going to WIN this time. It is about determination and wanting it but also about SUPPORT.
    AA/NA meetings were nonnegotiable for me in the beginning. If I had of stayed maybe I wouldn't have relapsed. No need to go back to would have could have should haves. We have today and today only to get through making the choice to not use. Lets make it through today!
    Sending oodles of love and light on this journey back to self
    Kim xxoo

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