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Has my boyfriend relapsed?! PLEASE HELP!
  1. #1
    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Default Has my boyfriend relapsed?! PLEASE HELP!

    My boyfriend was/is highly addicted to codeine, hydrocodone and Percocet. He was taking up to 23 of 10mg of Percocet in a day. Last month he said he was going to to stop cold turkey and has told me he has not touched a pill since then. Well the first week in November he started getting a rash and itching nonstop. His boss made him go to the doctor and they said it was an allergic reaction to something and the gave him a steroid pack. He didn't tell the doctor about his drug addiction. I have a gut feeling he is still taking the Percocet, codeine or hydrocodone. The steroids have not seemed to help the itching and neither has benadryl. How can I tell if he's lying about still using? It's just hard to see him quitting the drugs that fast cold turkey. He's been really moody lately and seems to be sleeping fine and I know withdrawals are supposed to cause trouble sleeping. I just have a bad feeling he has relapsed and it's killing me.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-13-2016 at 11:32 AM. Reason: Had by instead of my in tit'll

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    Dusty_1984 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi,

    This is just my personal experience with myself and others when they were using.

    The itching always seemed to focus for me on my face and around my nose for some reason. I'd also have reddish patches on my face when I took too much. Nothing would stop it. Also my mood could, not always, turn sour. Sometimes I'd be fine, if not extra talkative and happy, but then some days anything could make me snap at people. It really is like a rollercoaster of emotions but I wouldn't really notice when I was being mean.

    I can't really give you a recommendation on what to do. Being cautious could lead to more of him using. Being overly aggressive will make him defensive. You could try a drug test but I think that would make him, again, defensive.

    I know I probably wasn't that helpful so maybe someone else can help with being confronted and how to best go about it.

    Stay strong.

  3. #3
    hanker is offline Junior Member
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    Hey Buddy. I don't want to get ol' boy in trouble, but I'll tell you from personal experience what an addict goes thru. First, highs and lows. If you score pills you are manically happy; as soon as they're gone you're sick with worry...all you can think about is how to get more. You may sulk and stay home, act restless, irritable, distracted.

    While taking pills you'll be happy happy good mood guy and then suddenly change. Here's an easy way to see if anything narcotic is in his system: pupils. If his pupils are small, even inside the house, he's most likely got an opiate running thru him. Compare them to your own pupils (assuming you don't take anything for ADD or whatever).

    If he confesses and it turns out he's back on them, you can drag him to a soboxone doc and get him cleared up. If this eventuality does occur, make SURE he takes a small dose of sobox and make sure (I mean discuss with the doc in front of your bf) exactly when the end date is going to be. This needs to be a reasonably short process.

    I hope I don't sound bossy. I'm not a doc. But good lord I've been thru it...

    Good luck.

    Hanker

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    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwhocares View Post
    My boyfriend was/is highly addicted to codeine, hydrocodone and Percocet. He was taking up to 23 of 10mg of Percocet in a day. Last month he said he was going to to stop cold turkey and has told me he has not touched a pill since then. Well the first week in November he started getting a rash and itching nonstop. His boss made him go to the doctor and they said it was an allergic reaction to something and the gave him a steroid pack. He didn't tell the doctor about his drug addiction. I have a gut feeling he is still taking the Percocet, codeine or hydrocodone. The steroids have not seemed to help the itching and neither has benadryl. How can I tell if he's lying about still using? It's just hard to see him quitting the drugs that fast cold turkey. He's been really moody lately and seems to be sleeping fine and I know withdrawals are supposed to cause trouble sleeping. I just have a bad feeling he has relapsed and it's killing me.
    I feel for you but you can't keep putting yourself through this! Did he ever truly quit last month, probably not! Is he still using, probably yes! You can always get an opiate drug test from the drugstore? Opiates will show up on a urine test for 2-3 days after last use! There are ways to pass a urine test even if you have opiates in your system so if you do get a test make sure he takes it right away, right there and then! Be prepared, springing a drug test on him may cause an argument or worse but if he is truly clean he should be more than happy to prove you wrong!

    I highly encourage you to go back to your original thread and read all of the great advice, words of wisdom, suggestions, etc. that you've already received? Here's a link to your original thread - https://www.drugs.com/forum/pain-kil...elp-72165.html

    I really hope you follow the great advice that has already been giving to you in your last thread? You deserve to be happy!

    PS
    You cannot fix him, you cannot make him get clean!

  5. #5
    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dusty_1984 View Post
    Hi,

    This is just my personal experience with myself and others when they were using.

    The itching always seemed to focus for me on my face and around my nose for some reason. I'd also have reddish patches on my face when I took too much. Nothing would stop it. Also my mood could, not always, turn sour. Sometimes I'd be fine, if not extra talkative and happy, but then some days anything could make me snap at people. It really is like a rollercoaster of emotions but I wouldn't really notice when I was being mean.

    I can't really give you a recommendation on what to do. Being cautious could lead to more of him using. Being overly aggressive will make him defensive. You could try a drug test but I think that would make him, again, defensive.

    I know I probably wasn't that helpful so maybe someone else can help with being confronted and how to best go about it.

    Stay strong.
    He's itching a lot on his face. The skin around his eye sockets are really red too. Even his arms and legs are itching. He's saying it's allergies but you'd think that the benadryl and steroids would help that. It's also weird he doesn't really start itching until he gets in from work. It makes me think he is using as soon as he leaves work. He's been really moody the past few days. Like really bad!

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    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by hanker View Post
    Hey Buddy. I don't want to get ol' boy in trouble, but I'll tell you from personal experience what an addict goes thru. First, highs and lows. If you score pills you are manically happy; as soon as they're gone you're sick with worry...all you can think about is how to get more. You may sulk and stay home, act restless, irritable, distracted.

    While taking pills you'll be happy happy good mood guy and then suddenly change. Here's an easy way to see if anything narcotic is in his system: pupils. If his pupils are small, even inside the house, he's most likely got an opiate running thru him. Compare them to your own pupils (assuming you don't take anything for ADD or whatever).

    If he confesses and it turns out he's back on them, you can drag him to a soboxone doc and get him cleared up. If this eventuality does occur, make SURE he takes a small dose of sobox and make sure (I mean discuss with the doc in front of your bf) exactly when the end date is going to be. This needs to be a reasonably short process.

    I hope I don't sound bossy. I'm not a doc. But good lord I've been thru it...

    Good luck.

    Hanker
    I just happened to look at a picture he sent me last week and I zoomed in and his pupils do look really small. He looks really tired in the picture too. He will not go to a doctor or to a rehab facility. He says he can do it himself but I can't see that working. He went to rehab twice when he was younger. He has a weed addiction also (up to $200 a week spent on it) and has tried to stop smoking that and has relapsed. I'm sure it's even harder to stop taking the pills so that's why I think he may have relapsed with pills because he did with weed.

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    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ricky71 View Post
    I feel for you but you can't keep putting yourself through this! Did he ever truly quit last month, probably not! Is he still using, probably yes! You can always get an opiate drug test from the drugstore? Opiates will show up on a urine test for 2-3 days after last use! There are ways to pass a urine test even if you have opiates in your system so if you do get a test make sure he takes it right away, right there and then! Be prepared, springing a drug test on him may cause an argument or worse but if he is truly clean he should be more than happy to prove you wrong!

    I highly encourage you to go back to your original thread and read all of the great advice, words of wisdom, suggestions, etc. that you've already received? Here's a link to your original thread - https://www.drugs.com/forum/pain-kil...elp-72165.html

    I really hope you follow the great advice that has already been giving to you in your last thread? You deserve to be happy!

    PS
    You cannot fix him, you cannot make him get clean!
    I have really tried to just up and leave him. I even packed all his stuff and drove ito to his mom's house and left it. Of course he made me feel bad and said I'm just up and leaving now that he's getting better. He said he could take a drug test and pass in two weeks which seems kind of far off. If I try to give him advice he starts going off and says I act like his mom and he doesn't need all the stress with what he's going through right now. He even said I make him feel worthless and never good enough. I never try to make him feel like that! I'm always trying to just help him and tell him he's so much better than all this mess. Just yesterday he said that its no wonder he is a drug addict withe me and his dad always breathing down his back. I don't feel like I've done anything but try to help him.

    I noticed the other night when I seen him he asked if I had a phone charger and I said yes then he said nevermind he had one in his car. Well he went to "go get it from his car" which I'm not stupid because it was probably a pill.

    I'm always re-reading my original post. There's such good advice there and I know in my heart I need to run. It's just hard cause I don't want something bad to happen to him. I feel stuck in a terrible situation.

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    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwhocares View Post
    I have really tried to just up and leave him. I even packed all his stuff and drove ito to his mom's house and left it. Of course he made me feel bad and said I'm just up and leaving now that he's getting better. He said he could take a drug test and pass in two weeks which seems kind of far off. If I try to give him advice he starts going off and says I act like his mom and he doesn't need all the stress with what he's going through right now. He even said I make him feel worthless and never good enough. I never try to make him feel like that! I'm always trying to just help him and tell him he's so much better than all this mess. Just yesterday he said that its no wonder he is a drug addict withe me and his dad always breathing down his back. I don't feel like I've done anything but try to help him.

    I noticed the other night when I seen him he asked if I had a phone charger and I said yes then he said nevermind he had one in his car. Well he went to "go get it from his car" which I'm not stupid because it was probably a pill.

    I'm always re-reading my original post. There's such good advice there and I know in my heart I need to run. It's just hard cause I don't want something bad to happen to him. I feel stuck in a terrible situation.
    He needs two weeks and then he'll take a drug test, yeah okay! Addicts are masters at lying, manipulation, hiding things/covering up, excuses and making people feel sorry for them! It's all too common, the way he turns everything around like you're the bad guy! This pattern will continue and get much worse!

    Again, all the answers to all of your questions and concerns are in your original thread!

    Everyone that posted in your original thread have years and years of first hand experience in drug addiction!

    I hope you can find the strength and courage to leave and never look back! You need to take of you! Take care... God bless us all!

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    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ricky71 View Post
    He needs two weeks and then he'll take a drug test, yeah okay! Addicts are masters at lying, manipulation, hiding things/covering up, excuses and making people feel sorry for them! It's all too common, the way he turns everything around like you're the bad guy! This pattern will continue and get much worse!

    Again, all the answers to all of your questions and concerns are in your original thread!

    Everyone that posted in your original thread have years and years of first hand experience in drug addiction!

    I hope you can find the strength and courage to leave and never look back! You need to take of you! Take care... God bless us all!
    I know I'm stupid for hanging around this long. I just wish I'd have gotten out sooner and not got dragged right into all this. It's exhausting always worrying of something bad is goin to happen to him.

    It's hard to believe he'did just lie right to my face but like you said he's a master at manipulation.

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    kandy91 is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwhocares View Post
    I know I'm stupid for hanging around this long. I just wish I'd have gotten out sooner and not got dragged right into all this. It's exhausting always worrying of something bad is goin to happen to him.

    It's hard to believe he'did just lie right to my face but like you said he's a master at manipulation.
    Just bring him into a closet with a light on and no extra light from other sources. Wait about 30 seconds, have a small mirror with you and compare your pupil sizes. If his pupils are small it will be obvious, if they are really big hes going through withdrawals.When under the influence the upper eyelids also relax(they do with weed also however)
    In my experience its the codeine that causes the most intense itching/rashes.
    he probably did quit, but then relapsed and his tolerance dropped a bunch, so when he took a bunch of pills again it caused a bunch of itching.
    You do you, and let him do him. This will be a lifelong struggle for him, as it is for all of us addicts.You need to decide if you want to deal with that.Its not wrong to not want to deal with it.
    kandy

  11. #11
    hanker is offline Junior Member
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    Default You Poor Thing

    I hate to hear what you're going thru. I gotta tell you, my impression is that things don't look good longterm. I just don't want you to finally make a move two years from now and realize that you've just wasted all that time.

    Here is a pertinent quote my father repeats all the time:

    Don't waste too much breath giving advice. Wise men don't need it, and fools won't heed it.

    Actually that's a bastardized version. The original quote from Ben Franklin, but I had to modify a bit. Also, my father NEVER stops telling every one how they should handle everything, so that's funny.

    Anyway...take of yourself, not him, ok?

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    Dusty_1984 is offline Junior Member
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    I'll be as honest as I've been with anyone. During the peak of me using pain medication I didn't care who I lied to. Making others feel pity so I could get pills or get make them feel bad for thinking I could be using was all part of the game. Crocodile tears and all. Sadly it's part of who you are when the disease pierces your very being. You'll do anything and everything to make sure you get what you want.

    That's not me telling you what you should do. You'll have to look inwards to decide that. If I was dating me during my heavy usage period, I would have left the second I started lying and trying to place to blame on others. I'm not saying he doesn't believe that he has it under control, we all do. When put into the spot light it makes use feel uncomfortable and we try to deflect so you can't or won't see the pills.

    Don't let him drag you down any further. If he's not ready to get clean no matter what you or anyone else says will sway him. I know all too well. I promise you it will continue.

    Also two weeks for a drug test? If he won't do one on the spot with you there then it's all smoke and mirrors. Two weeks will give him time to plot how he'll be clean for the day, that I'm sure he'd dictate as well, you test him.

    It's a hard decision to make but remember it's your life and you need to live it. I hope it gets better for you. You seem like a caring person.

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    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by kandy91 View Post
    Just bring him into a closet with a light on and no extra light from other sources. Wait about 30 seconds, have a small mirror with you and compare your pupil sizes. If his pupils are small it will be obvious, if they are really big hes going through withdrawals.When under the influence the upper eyelids also relax(they do with weed also however)
    In my experience its the codeine that causes the most intense itching/rashes.
    he probably did quit, but then relapsed and his tolerance dropped a bunch, so when he took a bunch of pills again it caused a bunch of itching.
    You do you, and let him do him. This will be a lifelong struggle for him, as it is for all of us addicts.You need to decide if you want to deal with that.Its not wrong to not want to deal with it.
    kandy
    See it is hard to decipher between weed and pills with him. In May he told me he was detoxing from weed for a drug test at work (this is before I knew about the pill addiction) and it was really bad and I should have known weed wasn't causing that much torture to get off of. But of course as soon as he didn't have to take the drug test he told be he relapsed and smoked again which I'm actually sure it was he took another pill.

    It seems it has been a lifelong struggle already with him. He was in rehab at 16....twice! He is now 33. But he said he has changed but of course it was a lie.

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    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dusty_1984 View Post
    I'll be as honest as I've been with anyone. During the peak of me using pain medication I didn't care who I lied to. Making others feel pity so I could get pills or get make them feel bad for thinking I could be using was all part of the game. Crocodile tears and all. Sadly it's part of who you are when the disease pierces your very being. You'll do anything and everything to make sure you get what you want.

    That's not me telling you what you should do. You'll have to look inwards to decide that. If I was dating me during my heavy usage period, I would have left the second I started lying and trying to place to blame on others. I'm not saying he doesn't believe that he has it under control, we all do. When put into the spot light it makes use feel uncomfortable and we try to deflect so you can't or won't see the pills.

    Don't let him drag you down any further. If he's not ready to get clean no matter what you or anyone else says will sway him. I know all too well. I promise you it will continue.

    Also two weeks for a drug test? If he won't do one on the spot with you there then it's all smoke and mirrors. Two weeks will give him time to plot how he'll be clean for the day, that I'm sure he'd dictate as well, you test him.

    It's a hard decision to make but remember it's your life and you need to live it. I hope it gets better for you. You seem like a caring person.
    I am sure he has lied to me through our whole relationship so it makes me feel our whole relationship is based upon a lie. I don't know if I will ever really believe he will get better or is trying to get better. It's gotten to where I maybe see him once or twice tops a week. Sometimes it may be once a month. It doesn't seem right and makes me think he stays away so I won't know he is using. He knows I have been reading up on all this so I am sure he is weary of me now. Another thing is like he will go hours and not answer my texts or calls and then the next morning will come around and he will say his phone died and he fell asleep. But when I call it rings a good 4 times then goes to VM and if it was dead it would go straight to VM. That seems to be the common excuse but I mean I don't know how many people will let there phone die that much. I am afraid he is out doing something bad.

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    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by hanker View Post
    I hate to hear what you're going thru. I gotta tell you, my impression is that things don't look good longterm. I just don't want you to finally make a move two years from now and realize that you've just wasted all that time.

    Here is a pertinent quote my father repeats all the time:

    Don't waste too much breath giving advice. Wise men don't need it, and fools won't heed it.

    Actually that's a bastardized version. The original quote from Ben Franklin, but I had to modify a bit. Also, my father NEVER stops telling every one how they should handle everything, so that's funny.

    Anyway...take of yourself, not him, ok?
    That quote makes perfect sense! Especially with this situation. I don't want to waste my time and end up hating myself for it.Nothing seems promising anymore and I can't trust him. I know you have to have trust to have a relationship so it just seems like it is all wrong. I just wish he could see the damage he is doing and see how it feels to be lied to constantly.

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    hanker is offline Junior Member
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    Yes, the old "I wish...". Just stop right there friend. Here's an idea: go ahead and make the break. Realize and anticipate that you're going to spend a few months fighting imaginary battles with him in your head, but that will fade and you will accept that you did everything you could. You can no more fix him than you can cure cancer. You'll be resentful of the time and the pain this has cost you, but every single day you wait, you will become more embittered.

    Now, I don't expect you to jump right up and follow this advice that you don't really need. But it does help to know what's going to happen, and from the little of your situation that I know, it sounds like a good guess. Keep your focus on you, and make your move when you're ready.

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    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by hanker View Post
    Yes, the old "I wish...". Just stop right there friend. Here's an idea: go ahead and make the break. Realize and anticipate that you're going to spend a few months fighting imaginary battles with him in your head, but that will fade and you will accept that you did everything you could. You can no more fix him than you can cure cancer. You'll be resentful of the time and the pain this has cost you, but every single day you wait, you will become more embittered.

    Now, I don't expect you to jump right up and follow this advice that you don't really need. But it does help to know what's going to happen, and from the little of your situation that I know, it sounds like a good guess. Keep your focus on you, and make your move when you're ready.
    I know in my heart I am ready. I think it is the actual doing it that scares me. I really don't know what to say. What do I say when he says he is clean when I tell him it's over because I think he is still using? Then I think what if he is clean.....but then I think how long will that really last?

    In all honesty, how hopeful is it that someone can come clean on their own with no help from anyone when they've been using for years and years? He was on like 23 percocet 10 mgs a day, hydrocodone (spending $600-$700 a month on it along with selling it) and I recently found out he was addicted to the codeine cough syrup. He said he could down a half a bottle at one sitting. He also is a weed addict spending up to $200 a week on it. He says he is strong enough to do it on his own but it just seems really unthinkable to be able to do that on your own.

    Right now I am so resentful to the point I just want to block his number and just be done with it that way but I know that's not the right thing to do.

  18. #18
    Deenie W is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwhocares View Post
    I am sure he has lied to me through our whole relationship so it makes me feel our whole relationship is based upon a lie. I don't know if I will ever really believe he will get better or is trying to get better. It's gotten to where I maybe see him once or twice tops a week. Sometimes it may be once a month. It doesn't seem right and makes me think he stays away so I won't know he is using. He knows I have been reading up on all this so I am sure he is weary of me now. Another thing is like he will go hours and not answer my texts or calls and then the next morning will come around and he will say his phone died and he fell asleep. But when I call it rings a good 4 times then goes to VM and if it was dead it would go straight to VM. That seems to be the common excuse but I mean I don't know how many people will let there phone die that much. I am afraid he is out doing something bad.
    Yes, my dear, you should get out of that situation, sounds never ending! I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like he's just not being truthful, and is not trying. Look out for you! If he loves you and your more important than the drugs, you'll get him back. But this is no kind of life for you... sorry for your situation! Deenie

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    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Default I broke up with him...it's not worth it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Deenie W View Post
    Yes, my dear, you should get out of that situation, sounds never ending! I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like he's just not being truthful, and is not trying. Look out for you! If he loves you and your more important than the drugs, you'll get him back. But this is no kind of life for you... sorry for your situation! Deenie
    Believe it or not I ended it last night. And sadly it was through text. He picked and poked at me all day through text like he was trying to make me mad. It was the craziest thing. And he was so hateful and degrading to me and I don't know why.

    What finally made me just say enough was enough was when he was talking about wanting to find somewhere to buy injectable testosterone. I really don't know why he'd need that and of course I am asking him why he even needed it. He flipped out on me through the text and said it was "because he wanted it" and then said I didn't need to be questioning him like I was the law. He said he didn't owe me anything or any explanation for why he wanted it because I wasn't buying it, he was.

    I thought right then that if he's not on drugs then I don't know what's wrong with him. He was soooo mad I questioned him. It was crazy. He kept on digging at me so I was just said to myself I'm done with this mess. If someone loves you then they're not going to talk to you like that for no reason.

    I've tried sticking by his side for over a year and it's just not worth it anymore. I'm tired of worrying and having to live on eggshells around him.

    But can someone tell me why he'd need injectable testosterone illegally? I'm sure you can go to the doctor and get it right?
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-16-2016 at 09:52 PM. Reason: Add title

  20. #20
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Thumbs up Proud of you!

    Quote Originally Posted by girlwhocares View Post
    Believe it or not I ended it last night. And sadly it was through text. He picked and poked at me all day through text like he was trying to make me mad. It was the craziest thing. And he was so hateful and degrading to me and I don't know why.

    What finally made me just say enough was enough was when he was talking about wanting to find somewhere to buy injectable testosterone. I really don't know why he'd need that and of course I am asking him why he even needed it. He flipped out on me through the text and said it was "because he wanted it" and then said I didn't need to be questioning him like I was the law. He said he didn't owe me anything or any explanation for why he wanted it because I wasn't buying it, he was.

    I thought right then that if he's not on drugs then I don't know what's wrong with him. He was soooo mad I questioned him. It was crazy. He kept on digging at me so I was just said to myself I'm done with this mess. If someone loves you then they're not going to talk to you like that for no reason.

    I've tried sticking by his side for over a year and it's just not worth it anymore. I'm tired of worrying and having to live on eggshells around him.

    But can someone tell me why he'd need injectable testosterone illegally? I'm sure you can go to the doctor and get it right?
    I truly hope your EX-boyfriend can get and stay clean someday, I really do! But know this, you have made the right decision, don't second guess yourself! As for your question, I'm not sure? If he doesn't have low testosterone then he probably couldn't get a script for testostrone therapy? Testosterone provides energy, sex drive, muscle development, etc... maybe he wants an increase in one or more of the things I just mentioned? Who really knows why he's talking about testostrone injections and really does it even matter? You've moved on, don't look back! Take care of you and find true happiness, it's out there! You'll be just fine, I promise... Best of luck to you. God bless us all!

    PS
    I'm very proud of you, I know it was a very difficult decision but it was necessary and for the best! Stay STRONG!!!

  21. #21
    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ricky71 View Post
    I truly hope your EX-boyfriend can get and stay clean someday, I really do! But know this, you have made the right decision, don't second guess yourself! As for your question, I'm not sure? If he doesn't have low testosterone then he probably couldn't get a script for testostrone therapy? Testosterone provides energy, sex drive, muscle development, etc... maybe he wants an increase in one or more of the things I just mentioned? Who really knows why he's talking about testostrone injections and really does it even matter? You've moved on, don't look back! Take care of you and find true happiness, it's out there! You'll be just fine, I promise... Best of luck to you. God bless us all!

    PS
    I'm very proud of you, I know it was a very difficult decision but it was necessary and for the best! Stay STRONG!!!
    Thank you! I appreciate it. I loved this guy but sometimes love isn't enough to conquer it all. He turned into someone I did not even know and didn't want to know. I hope he can get help as well for the sake of his own well being but I know he has to want to do it for himself and I just do not see that being the case. I think if he wanted to be clean he would have done it years ago and stayed clean. I just hope he can see how all this is ruining his life and the life of everyone that loves him. I am sure he hates me now because I told him no matter who is with, the drugs will always come first and that I needed to be with someone who respects me and wants to be with me instead of staying home doing drugs. Maybe one day he will see how truly terrible he treated me and learn from it.

  22. #22
    Dusty_1984 is offline Junior Member
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    That is a incredible feat of strength and courage you showed. It's hard to move onto something else and away from someone you once thought fondly of. One day he might get better and be clean but he clearly doesn't want that now.

    The next few days or weeks you're going to have your resolve tested by him and yourself. Questions from your own mind and of course he'll realize what he lost. Someone who cared for him. I wish I had someone like that. Stay strong and don't let his lies pull you back in, i have no doubt he'll try to.

    You did the right thing in my opinion and I hope you move on. Take time for yourself and find what makes you happy.

  23. #23
    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dusty_1984 View Post
    That is a incredible feat of strength and courage you showed. It's hard to move onto something else and away from someone you once thought fondly of. One day he might get better and be clean but he clearly doesn't want that now.

    The next few days or weeks you're going to have your resolve tested by him and yourself. Questions from your own mind and of course he'll realize what he lost. Someone who cared for him. I wish I had someone like that. Stay strong and don't let his lies pull you back in, i have no doubt he'll try to.

    You did the right thing in my opinion and I hope you move on. Take time for yourself and find what makes you happy.
    Thank you! I never thought I would be able to do it honestly but something just finally said enough was enough. I do not think he will try to contact me....he actually blocked me from his phone. The only reason I know that is because like 5 minutes after I sent him the breakup text I remembered he had my house key so I just said can you please mail my key back to me and it kept saying the message failed to send so I tried to call and it said the number had calling restrictions. So I think I really made him mad by breaking up with him. I don't understand why he would block me though? I should have been the one to block him. I really think he hates me now over all this and I hate that. I never did anything to him to make him so mad and want to block me. It just doesn't make sense.

    But since I could not contact him, I just went ahead and changed my locks just to be done with it. I just didn't feel safe with him having a key. He has never stolen from me from what I can tell but you never know. I just wish he wouldn't be so mad at me over this. I only ever tried to help him and tried to be there for him.
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  24. #24
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwhocares View Post
    Thank you! I never thought I would be able to do it honestly but something just finally said enough was enough. I do not think he will try to contact me....he actually blocked me from his phone. The only reason I know that is because like 5 minutes after I sent him the breakup text I remembered he had my house key so I just said can you please mail my key back to me and it kept saying the message failed to send so I tried to call and it said the number had calling restrictions. So I think I really made him mad by breaking up with him. I don't understand why he would block me though? I should have been the one to block him. I really think he hates me now over all this and I hate that. I never did anything to him to make him so mad and want to block me. It just doesn't make sense.

    But since I could not contact him, I just went ahead and changed my locks just to be done with it. I just didn't feel safe with him having a key. He has never stolen from me from what I can tell but you never know. I just wish he wouldn't be so mad at me over this. I only ever tried to help him and tried to be there for him.
    You did the right thing. Good for you. I know this is hard on you and you will need to sort all of this out in due time. Be patient with yourself and don't even try to make sense of his attitude or actions. I think he's getting exactly the reaction from you that he is/was hoping for. "He's been wronged" so take that! Active addicts are always the victim (in their own heads) and can justify anything that comes or tries to come between them and their next use. It's that, "I'm only hurting myself" attitude. I know it well. I thought that same thought for years and years. Just didn't understand what everyone was soooo upset about. My adult son is now the active addict in my family so I'm eating those words everyday. Now I get it.

    I suspect it doesn't feel like it, but you have actually done the best thing you can to help him. Hopefully he will soon note this consequence of his abuse and it gets his attention. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you but maybe this is the beginning of things catching up with him. Reconnect with your friends and do whatever it takes to be with people who will make you laugh. That can be your beginning of the healing process. You've been through a lot. Now take back your life.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  25. #25
    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    You did the right thing. Good for you. I know this is hard on you and you will need to sort all of this out in due time. Be patient with yourself and don't even try to make sense of his attitude or actions. I think he's getting exactly the reaction from you that he is/was hoping for. "He's been wronged" so take that! Active addicts are always the victim (in their own heads) and can justify anything that comes or tries to come between them and their next use. It's that, "I'm only hurting myself" attitude. I know it well. I thought that same thought for years and years. Just didn't understand what everyone was soooo upset about. My adult son is now the active addict in my family so I'm eating those words everyday. Now I get it.

    I suspect it doesn't feel like it, but you have actually done the best thing you can to help him. Hopefully he will soon note this consequence of his abuse and it gets his attention. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you but maybe this is the beginning of things catching up with him. Reconnect with your friends and do whatever it takes to be with people who will make you laugh. That can be your beginning of the healing process. You've been through a lot. Now take back your life.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Thasks Cat! I do catch myself second guessing my choice in hopes he'd actually get better. I'm sure that's just part of the process with dealing and coping. I just hate that it ended so bitter because that's never how I wanted it to be. Things just mounted up and I couldn't take anymore.

    He did always say he was only hurting himself which was a selfish lie. If he only knew the torment and agony he caused. I'm sure now he loves the fact that he just blocked me from ever being able to call him again. He doesn't deal well with anyone making him mad or wronging him, especially me. It's just hurtful because I only ever wanted the best for him.

    I pray he can get clean and stay clean for himself and for his family's sake.
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  26. #26
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwhocares View Post
    Thasks Cat! I do catch myself second guessing my choice in hopes he'd actually get better. I'm sure that's just part of the process with dealing and coping. I just hate that it ended so bitter because that's never how I wanted it to be. Things just mounted up and I couldn't take anymore.

    He did always say he was only hurting himself which was a selfish lie. If he only knew the torment and agony he caused. I'm sure now he loves the fact that he just blocked me from ever being able to call him again. He doesn't deal well with anyone making him mad or wronging him, especially me. It's just hurtful because I only ever wanted the best for him.

    I pray he can get clean and stay clean for himself and for his family's sake.
    If he thought something other than this being your fault, he'd be admitting that he's wrong. He's not ready to do that. One day, I hope he will be ready.

    Peace,

    Cat
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    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwhocares View Post
    Thasks Cat! I do catch myself second guessing my choice in hopes he'd actually get better. I'm sure that's just part of the process with dealing and coping. I just hate that it ended so bitter because that's never how I wanted it to be. Things just mounted up and I couldn't take anymore.

    He did always say he was only hurting himself which was a selfish lie. If he only knew the torment and agony he caused. I'm sure now he loves the fact that he just blocked me from ever being able to call him again. He doesn't deal well with anyone making him mad or wronging him, especially me. It's just hurtful because I only ever wanted the best for him.

    I pray he can get clean and stay clean for himself and for his family's sake.


    I fully agree with the others, you did the right thing here. The right thing for YOU in this situation. You deserve to be happy and have a guy that puts you first and not second behind pills.

    I just caution you that if he calls or texts in the next several days, weeks or month that he is now clean, doing well, and wants another chance to be on your guard. If that does happen tell him you're happy for him but you need more time to make certain of that. Maybe after a year you'll consider it.

    He won't stop lying or trying to manipulate you now that you'be broken things off. He'll tell you exactly what HE wants you to hear. Just be prepared in case it does happen and he tries to smooth htings over. Stay Strong!

    Randy

  28. #28
    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    If he thought something other than this being your fault, he'd be admitting that he's wrong. He's not ready to do that. One day, I hope he will be ready.

    Peace,

    Cat
    I think you're right Cat. I do not know if he will ever change...for anyone. If he won't get clean and stay clean for his kids then I do not know who he would do it for. It's a sad situation.

  29. #29
    girlwhocares is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randy35 View Post
    I fully agree with the others, you did the right thing here. The right thing for YOU in this situation. You deserve to be happy and have a guy that puts you first and not second behind pills.

    I just caution you that if he calls or texts in the next several days, weeks or month that he is now clean, doing well, and wants another chance to be on your guard. If that does happen tell him you're happy for him but you need more time to make certain of that. Maybe after a year you'll consider it.

    He won't stop lying or trying to manipulate you now that you'be broken things off. He'll tell you exactly what HE wants you to hear. Just be prepared in case it does happen and he tries to smooth htings over. Stay Strong!

    Randy
    Thanks Randy....

    I really don't think he will contact me. It seems by him blocking me from calling or texting that he hates me now over all this even though it is not my fault. I just told him something he didn't like and that was that he would always put drugs before any person he is with and that I deserved someone who wanted to spend time with me instead of staying home doing drugs.

    It's hard because I never wanted him to hate me over this and completely cut me off. People have told me that he resents my life because I have never been in any kind of trouble or on any kind of drugs and I have a good job. They said it is kind of a strange jealousy and I don't know why he would be that way. It just breaks my heart. He always told me that he would never be good enough for me and could never do anything right. He constantly said that and I don't know if he was trying to make me feel bad for him or if he was saying it out of hatred.

    Is it normal for for an addict to cut someone off for breaking up with them? I just don't get it.
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  30. #30
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwhocares View Post
    Thanks Randy....

    I really don't think he will contact me. It seems by him blocking me from calling or texting that he hates me now over all this even though it is not my fault. I just told him something he didn't like and that was that he would always put drugs before any person he is with and that I deserved someone who wanted to spend time with me instead of staying home doing drugs.

    It's hard because I never wanted him to hate me over this and completely cut me off. People have told me that he resents my life because I have never been in any kind of trouble or on any kind of drugs and I have a good job. They said it is kind of a strange jealousy and I don't know why he would be that way. It just breaks my heart. He always told me that he would never be good enough for me and could never do anything right. He constantly said that and I don't know if he was trying to make me feel bad for him or if he was saying it out of hatred.

    Is it normal for for an addict to cut someone off for breaking up with them? I just don't get it.
    This is so typical. This is NOT about you. You were threatening his lifestyle. Until we as addicts get so sick of being sick we will say or do most anything to remain in active addiction. Our priorities are skewed and by instinct we know that the only way to move past what we perceive as disapproval is to stay away from it. I can tell you from experience that while I was actively using I would isolate myself mostly because I could see and feel the disapproval of others. I spent most of the time justifying my use by believing I was only hurting myself. That's how powerful addiction is--I stopped enjoying, no stopped even wanting to spend time with clean friends and family who loved me. It was just easier to be able to keep using when there wasn't someone there to make me feel bad. And they did. Not intentionally but somewhere in my fog brain I knew that they were worried about me, that I was disappointing them, and they wanted me to be clean. That made me feel guilty and I didn't like it. AT ALL! A sober brain would connect the dots and do their best to make things better. An addicted brain pushes all that aside by justifying and manipulating--doing whatever we need to do so that we can do what we do. So I distanced myself from them. I think your bf is doing this same thing. I've been in his shoes. Did I ever feel guilty? ALL the time. Obviously feeling guilty is not enough to get and stay clean or I would have done it years and years before I actually did.

    This is hard to explain and even harder for you to understand. We addicts once in recovery talk about being void of emotion and for the most part we really are. I love my family and that was never any different. I always have been willing to lay my life down for my children but would I get clean for them? Sadly, the answer is that I would not and did not. I'm not proud of that fact but it's the truth. The #1 reason I got clean and have managed to remain clean is that I was sick of being sick and tired of giving my hard earned money to the "man".

    I hope that your bf will reach this point before his bottom becomes something that he can't come back from but in the meantime, he's living the life he has chosen. I'm sure he loves his children and he probably loves you too. Sadly, drugs come first. Before your family, food, shelter, and most assuredly clean friends. It's just the way it is.

    I hope that you're not reading anything into this post that makes you feel badly about your decision to leave him. That was the right thing to do. I'm not trying to justify his actions, I'm just hoping that you may gain a glimmer of understanding of just how helpless you are. Whether you stay away from him or go back to him, it will not make a bit of difference at this point. How you feel about him using is of no consequence unless it causes an inconvenience for him. His drugs are his mistress and he's clearly not ready to give her up. I'm sorry.

    Peace,

    Cat

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