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Help... my boyfriend is a pill addict...how do I cope in everyday life...we live toge
  1. #31
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    Pamela,

    I have been sitting back reading this post. Bottom line here is that Cat has pretty much laid out the plan of action on your situation. It is becoming increasingly appearent to me and most reading your thread how bad your BF is addicted. It is now effecting you financially. He is beating you up for your kind and tender concerns. When I was taking more Meds than I should have been and my wife would call me on it I would argue and try and turn it on her. Because I was lying to her I was also lying to myself. Not sure which hurts more but I would lash out and get defensive. You are enabling him, period. Why do you plan to talk to him on Sunday? Why not tonight? You keep setting these days and nothing seems to change. JOINT CHECKING?!!!!!! You realize he will have even more access to your money if you do that, bad idea. You seem like a smart woman, you don't need or deserve this. You CANT change your boyfriends addiction. HE has to do that. Maybe ask him to get on here and has stuff out with us and let us give him support. That's not hard. I feel sorry that you are going thorough this. It's time for you to drop the hammer on this relationship and lay out the truth. If he leaves then he choose the drugs. Hope he isn't that stupid. Don't mean to sound harsh, just hate to see you continually get hurt.

    RJ
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  2. #32
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Pamela,

    I know that you are desperate to understand what your boyfriend is going through. In order to do that, you'll have to become an addict. There is no possible way you can ever understand how his mind works. If you scroll back to your first post and then read the responses and your subsequent posts I think you will see that the predictions that I and others have made are beginning to come to light. I'm sorry. I know you want to believe that he's different. He's not. Nor am I or anyone else that has had an addiction problem. When in active addiction we all do the same things. Things that even now I can't believe I've done. I've lied to the ones I love the most. I've taken bill money to buy pills. Things that I would have never done pre-pills. Things that I hope I never do again and so long as I remain clean, I'm certain I won't.

    Let us know how you're doing. He's not unique. I know the road he's on well. I traveled it.

    Peace,

    Cat

  3. #33
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Thank you guys for responding to me. I just wanted to clarify that I was going to discuss with my boyfriend that we should open up a joined acct for both of us but just put his money in the acct. Im not going to put any of my money in there. I want to help him save his money instead of wasting his whole check on pills every Wed when he gets paid. I just need help to help me discuss this issue at hand with him. How should i start the talk? What should i all say without sounding mean or anything ? I'm just so confused on what to say. I know what my heart says but i dont want to sound harsh or rude or even sound unempathic orn ot understanding. I have been this whole time. I love him so much and i just wish he seeks help. Doesn't this money situation even effect him how it effects me? I habe no idea. I wonder if he gets why im sad and hurt and disappointed? I dont know what to think anymore. I love him....and im sad...

  4. #34
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Pamela,

    WOW. OK. Maybe it's been me that hasn't understood what you were hoping to find here. When someone posts to these boards because they love an addict, be it their spouse, child, parent, no matter....it's most often because they are confused and want some guidance how to survive. They oftentimes will hear things from us that they don't want to hear at first such as the fact that no one can help an addict get and stay clean. People want to try and understand what goes on in an addict's brain that has them becoming a person that we don't know anymore. They want validation that they aren't over-reacting to their addict's behavior. After all, most of the members here are addicts, either active, detoxing or working their recovery. The reason we find this site so valuable is that we have a fellowship. We understand each other because we've been to the same depths of addiction and we support and help each other. There probably is no better place in the world except for you to attend an ALANON meeting in person, that you will get the brutal truth and some insight of what makes us tick. Finding us was a really good move. I just wish you'd take advantage of the advice you get here.

    Then along comes you. You could be my daughter, my sister or my wife. I know in my heart the hurt, confusion and frustration that I deluged my loved ones with. I try to be patient and more importantly honest with you. Addiction is ugly. Plain and simple. It's not fun for me to admit all the horrible things I've done when I was using and it certainly isn't fun or easy to try and gently, but honestly tell you that you are sailing a sinking ship with your boyfriend. But I do it because I want to help you. I want YOU to understand that there is nothing that you're going to do to improve this relationship and that your work needs to be to help yourself. That's only battle you're going to win.

    I begin to see a flicker that you are seeing the signs that we warned you about. That it won't be long before he's using all of his money for pills. That he won't communicate with you. He will make you feel guilty for "accusing" him (even though it's not an accusation,it's the truth). You will be sad, anxious and feel like you are losing everything and none of it is your fault. There's a minute here and there that I think, that we're getting through to you. Then with your last post, I realize that this isn't what you are looking for. You are looking to understand him enough so that it will be OK for you to continue your relationship with him because....just because you don't want to lose what you once had.

    This is terrible and I am so sorry for you. I'm afraid that you won't find that here because it's not ever going to be OK for you to accept him as an addict and sacrifice your peace and happiness. I'm not OK with that and you shouldn't be either. Please, please see this for what it is. I'll make one more prediction for you. Go ahead and suggest that new bank account. Tell him you are trying to save him from being completely broke and want to help him by taking bill money from the top and putting it into the bank. This sounds like a reasonable plan to you and to me. Be sure to tell him that this account is only for his money and you will keep your money in your account that he won't have access to, but you will have access to his. I'll tell you what, I predict he is going to flip the h*ll right out. That's what I predict. He isn't going to want you to try and control his cash flow because that will control the number of pills he can buy and he already doesn't have enough money. Test the waters, Pamela and let me know how this goes and how close I've come to being right. This is clearly a way in which you are trying to gain control over the situation and to try to begin to fix things.

    I know this sounds harsh and mean and I don't mean it to. This whole post is in place of trying to shake some sense into you. I do hope you keep posting. I want you to be OK.

    Peace,

    Cat
    7fourteen likes this.

  5. #35
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Thank you Catrina....I'm so sorry. I hope I didnt upset you or anyone on here reguarding my noyfriends addiction. I really do trust and respect everyone of you guys. I have high respect for all. I'm just a sad woman that fell in love with my noyfriend then i found out later he was a pill addict. I do understand more and more each time i read your advise. Your advise has helped me open up my eyes. I have became stronger over the past month. I stood up to him 3 separate times and im proud of myself for that. Its just hard to talk to him anout this. He avoids the subject completely nut what about me and my feelings towards the matter? Don't i get chance to express how i feel and how this effects me? I love him. And i want to help him in the right direction. Ive been suggesting rehab ever since i found out. I know its him that has to make that decision and not i. I'm just still trying to figure out what he is going thorough and I want to know if this relationship with me is going somewhere or should i just leave? I dont want to give up on him though. If you pove someone you wouldn't do that. Im sorry....im just an emotional reck and i just need to vent to clear my head my thoughts. Thank you for letting me have a voice here. Thank you all.

  6. #36
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Pamela,

    That's exactly it, sweetheart. Your feelings and your opinion should matter but they don't. This is not just his life he's messing with, it's your's as well. I know my last post probably hurt your feelings and I didn't mean it to. I swear I didn't. I was not being flip when I said that I finally understood what you were hoping to get here. Maybe you didn't realize it but I really do think that you just want someone to make some suggestions of things that you can do to help him and the situation. I can almost hear the gears in your head turning trying to figure out where to begin. Thinking, there's got to be something I can do. What is it? You're a good person and you want to stand by your man. It must be so frustrating now that I think about it. You were asking the question and no one even came close to giving you anything that would help. Who better to ask than someone who is in recovery, "What could someone have done for you to help you get better?". You won't like my answer but if that's what you're looking for, I'm going to tell you. At the time, I would have told them that there is nothing you can do. That much was true. Don't get me wrong. I have always loved my family more than you can imagine. I would give or sacrifice anything for them but I wouldn't give up my pills for them. That's how powerful addiction is. Now, in retrospect, I would tell them that they should have deserted me and just maybe I would have realized that the cost of using was too high and I wasn't willing to pay the price. Nothing I lost was worth more than being able to use. That is a very sad statement but it's true. My family stood by me and I made their lives h*ll. When I finally got sick of being sick, I got clean and stayed that way. In the end, I didn't get clean for them. It was for me. I was just too tired to keep chasing pills and living that life.

    Please keep posting. I really care about what happens to you and I wish I had answers for you. I have a question for you. Food for thought maybe. What would you do, how will you manage if he's not able to contribute his share of the living expenses? This, I'm sure is a real concern for you. He's already behind and I know you said he makes very good money. Addiction is always progressive. Always. However many pills he needs just to keep from being sick won't be enough for long and he'll need more. Can you afford living expenses on your own? Not for a minute would I suggest you do that, I just want you to think about how you will manage.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  7. #37
    7fourteen is offline Member
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    Wow Pamela. Please, please listen to what is being said. Everything he has done people have told you he would do. Yeah, cleaning the house, making a candlelight dinner all that stuff is done after he has scored his pills. You see that behavior and now recognize it which is good. I'm sorry Pamela but if you don't make a decision to save yourself from all this it is only going to get worse. I know of addicts who have faked robberies in there own house or vehicle to coverup things they were pawning. They ended up getting caught because a pawn shop is one of the first places the police look. My point is when you are an addict, especially a desperate addict you can and will do some pretty stupid stuff. His tolerance will go up and he will eventually need more just to keep himself from getting dope sick. His addiction will only deepen over time. Please do not let him take you down with him. Good luck girl.

  8. #38
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Pamela - I think you came here looking for advice on how to modify your behavior and lower your standards so that you can live with a drug addict. Many people have given you very sound advice - all the same things, really, but you seem to be stuck on asking us how you can keep this relationship going.

    One day you may (or may not) realize that your whole relationship is built on a house of cards. He was always an addict, so you fell in love with someone who is a manifestation of drugs. No one even knows who your BF truly is, not you, not even him, what his personality is really like, as he's significantly high ALL THE TIME.

    Cat is right, and has continually given you great advice...the best way to "change" an addict is to leave them. The longer you stay with him and fawn on him, the more he will use. I mean, what's his impetus to change? He knows your words and threats are empty. As long as you continue to do for him and stay with him, he'll continue to use more and more.

    Meanwhile, I still suggest you read up on being a codependent enabler, which will really help you see your role in this, and hopefully bring you closer to a solution.

  9. #39
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Pamela,

    I hope we didn't scare you off. If you're still reading, please post and let us know how you're doing.

    Peace,

    Cat

  10. #40
    7fourteen is offline Member
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    Hey Pamela,

    Hope your doing well. Was thinking about you this morning. Post if you get a chance.

  11. #41
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    I'm sorry for not writing back to you guys. I've been doing some thinking and I want you guys to know I really do respect and appreciate your advise to me. Means alot to me...I feel like I'm not alone anymore ever since I joined in this forum. My boyfriend took me out for dinner last night. Our Anniversary is today but last night we celebrated it because I worked an early shift at work. He paid for me and actually took me out...ge hasnt done that for a month. It felt great and normal for once. We walked our dog after dinner since the weather was nice. He wrote me a note this morning saying "Happy Anniversary honey...love you" . that message made me not worry this morning. I'm finally getting it. I'm proud of mtself for realizing his issue at hand...I really never understood it until now more clearly. I know I can't change him...I need to stop constantly worrying about him while I'm mot by his side during the day...which I haven't. My guard is still up though for my protection. I dont want him to cheat on me with ither woman again...honestly that is what i think about at least once a day. He knows I dont trust him fully and I'm trying to trust him again. If he gets help with addiction I feel that would help me to start trusting in him again...his word. I need action...follow through of what he says. .until then I cannot trust him. I know its not me..there is nothing wrong with me...its him. I cannot force him to change...he needs to want that. So for now I've been being more social with my girlfriends and going out during the day and night with my girlfriends. I feel great... I would feel better if he would join me and or want to do things more with me. I know he can't because hiw he acts when the weekends come...he relaxes alot at home...he cleans up the house which is good since we live together but we arent living..meaning doing couple tjings together as we should. We could but his pills are first he needs them and I'm second. I know this...and I'm hurt by this. I love him and I still pray everyday that this demon of addiction will finally be free of him...my patience is running thin and I feel bad just the thought of it because I want to spend the rest of my life with him...he is my everything. Thank you for letting me express myself to you. Hope to hear from you guys soon. GOD bless

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