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Help... my boyfriend is a pill addict...how do I cope in everyday life...we live toge
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    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Default Help... my boyfriend is a pill addict...how do I cope in everyday life...we live toge

    I'm a non addict. He says he wants to stop but he never follows through. He says he understands how his pill addiction affects me , but I don't think he gets it. I fell in love with a man before i knew he was a pill addict. He moved in with me then I started finding pills in his dresser drawers. I confronted him about 3 months later and he told me the truth. He lost his job in the past and stole my prescription drugs while he got laid off. Then I went to the ER. Due to stress carrying this on my mind for 3 months . Then I confronted him about the pills i have been finding, been doing research on the pills he snorts, brought books requarding addiction, seeing a therapist that specializes in addiction, found facilities for him for out patient, got literature for him. After I'm trying really hard to keep us together because I love him, I found out he was cheating on me with 4 woman...it was just flirting but ti me its cheating. I don't do that to him. He has no sexual drive either but I know its from the pills. I'm so tired, sad, lost, betrayed from this man whomI feel in love with. He even brought me a promise ring for me on Christmas. He told me I'm the only woman he trusts and loves abd he wants to propose to me soon.It's so hard I love him. Can anyone help me uunderstand and how to cope with my boyfriendwho is an addict and help us in our future? Thank you...

  2. #2
    TampaFlorida is offline Member
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    Good Morning Pamela,
    I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. Many times people forget that family members of people with mental health issues are just as much in need of support as the patients. I know how you feel my husband had severe PTSD from the war and was taking Methadone. It cost me all my strength to get through this. In the end I was so exhausted and depressed but I stayed with him through it. Right now we live separately while he gets treatment for his problems. We are still together, just don't live together at that moment, until he gets his anger problems under control.

    What gave me strength was the knowledge that he was not himself during this time and if I would just have left, he would have literately no one to help him. I knew he needed my help no matter how rough it got.

    However, your situation is a bit different. How long have you been with him? The main problem here is that HE needs to be the one that makes the decision to quit. You can buy him the Library of Alexandria and he won't stop if he isn't ready.
    I know what it means to Love someone, but do not forget to love yourself too. My absolute truthful advise would be:
    Don't marry him! At least not while he is in active addiction, but don't use this as a threat against him, it won't work! Also be aware that addicts can relapse at any time, even after many years. They need a lot of support and love, more then the "normal joe" I dare to say. It is possible to have a good marriage with an addict, IF he's not in active addiction.


    If he truly is ready to stop, he will be able to do so with your help.
    Sit him down and talk to him. Find out his true intention about his quitting. If he is willing to quit, ask him how he plans on accomplishing it. He needs to have a real plan. We don't know what he's taking and for how long, so No one can say what route he should go. But he could start with NA meetings, he could come on this forum to get some help to start with.

    You should also read this forum. It will help you understand addiction. Don't give up, not without a fight. If he starts tapering or detoxing he will need you more than ever!!!! Take care of yourself too. Try to take a break and do something fun with friends. You will need that strength to lend it to him when he's at his weakest time.
    Keep us updated

    P.S. About that "cheating". You consider him flirting as cheating? While I was happily married, I wouldn't mind a flirt here and there sometimes. Not because I didn't love my spouse, or planned on having an affair. No, because it made me feel good about myself. It gave me a boost to my self esteem.
    You said you don't do it to him, but remember each person is different. If he has a "flirty" personality it won't be easy to change that. If he however cheats by meeting the girl, that then would be the end for me.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-10-2016 at 09:39 AM.
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  3. #3
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Thank you TampaFlorida for responding to me. I want you to know I really appreciate you taking time to help advise me. This means alot to me. This is all new to me I'm trying really hard to be strong . I'm kind of nervous to explai my situation on here. I'm here because I have a voice and it must be heard. My boyfriend and I just had our 13 month Anniversary last night. Everything seemed so special and perfect last night. When I get home from my busy job , I'm always greeted at the door from my loving boyfriend. All of my pain, sadness, the lies and hiding of the pills is out the door. I know this situation still exsist, but I'm trying to stay strong for him...the love of my life. I have to be strong for him...he needs me. He told me he has waited for a woman his whole life and it's me... I'm all he has. I love him so much....I do discuss the pill issue with him but it seems like he isn't moving forward to take the steps to be mot a pill addict anymore. He tells me all the time he is sorry, he is ashamed of taking the pills that is why he hides them from me. He says he wants help ...saying and doing are two different things he says. I'm here for him... I never judge ir throw his pill addiction in his face. I respect him and our relationship to ever do that to him. He is a good man . I just want him to get help so we can move forward in our life journey together. I do feel alone at times but I'm blessed to have supportive friends whom are here for me. I don't want to argue eith my boyfriend anout the pills. I always talk to him with respect and non-judgemental comments. I try to give him assistence. He told me I could try to find a facility for him to go into rehab. So I did...he never called yet. I'm waiting for him to move forward with this. I love him and I want him to get help. I'm also doing better mentally. I've been eating better and working out more. I'm trying to stay focus on the positive and I'm just hoping everything will fall into place. I'm trying to educate myself with this whole pill addiction. I get it and I understand a little. It's hard living with an addict...watching them purposly hurt themselves in front of you day by day. I keep alot to myself because that is all I really have. I have a big secret and I can't tell anyone. That weighs on my soul. Can you please help advise me if I'm doing the right thing...? I love him so much... I will never leave him...he knows this... I tell him all the time. Thank you for listening to me. Hope to hear from you soon.

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    TampaFlorida is offline Member
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    Hello Pamela,
    Leaving is always easy, staying is not. Remember just because he is an addict doesn't mean he is a bad person. I can understand that he is trying to hide it from you, he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. Besides that, he is ashamed that he can't control his drug use.
    He is absolutely right about this: saying and doing thing. When we addicts say, we want to stop, many times our brains won't let us do so easy. Example: I have told myself many times, I will stop tomorrow (when I was using pills) and the funny thing is I really meant it, but when tomorrow comes and you start feeling really sick, can't get out the bed, have to go to work, your brain will start playing tricks on you. You will feel hundredfold worse then you really are and the craving to make yourself feel better gets so big, that in that moment nothing else is more important, then relieving your discomfort.

    You have read some books you said. Make sure you read about how the brain works on drugs and the changes. If you suddenly remove the drug, your brain gets into the: flight or fight survival mode. Now, what does an animal do when it gets scared? It runs. Survival kicks in and it runs away from the danger. It's the same with addicts. Remove the substance, that our brain perceives at that point as our only way to survive, and we start "running", so to speak. Meaning, we take the drug to "survive".
    Now, you won't die from opioid withdrawal. But it sure feels like you are dying and at some point you wish you could just die right on the spot. I had seriously thought about suicide at some point in my detox.
    So will all this I am saying: he might want to quit, but his body and mind might not be ready yet.

    Also, you lucky that he has put so much trust in you and told you about his problem. I chickened out, and never told my husband that I relapsed after 30 days. I just could not bear that feeling of withdrawal anymore. I have not told my family in Germany ( I am German so excuse my poor English). My brother is an alcoholic and the last thing my mom needs is a daughter that has a drug addiction.
    Besides that, I have 2 daughters and didn't want them to grow up in this kind of cycle, where I keep trying, doing, failing and so on. So I keep up a >>>>> face, but I know it would be so much easier for me if I had the support.
    He's very lucky to have your support. Keep supporting him, but don't enable him. It's hard to find a balance in this.
    If you accept everything he does with his addiction, he might take it as a "free ride". She doesn't borer me so let's just keep doing it. If you pressure him to much, he might start taking even more just to numb the feeling.
    By the way, there are two stages about drug use so to speak. The first one, at the beginning of addiction, you take drugs to get high and have a good time.
    In the second phase, you must take drugs in order to prevent being very sick. Also, you don't get that good feeling anymore, so you try to take more and more. Later on, you can't feel anything unless you take a pill.
    I wasn't able to go out and have a nice family dinner without having to take a pill, just so I can be funny and socialize instead of sitting at the table like a zombie that can't feel happiness nor sadness.

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    TampaFlorida is offline Member
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    I believe you doing the right thing. Support him and keep on encouraging him. Let him know that you ready to help him whenever he's ready to do it. And I know it's hard to do but try to not constantly think about his addiction. It will only make you feel worse. Take breaks where you do stuff for yourself. Do stuff with him where drug use is not mentioned.
    I can't tell you of course how long it will take him before he gets help, but don't stop encouraging him.
    Where does he gets his pills from? Dr or street? And do you know how long he's been using?
    Suboxone might be a good choice for people that have been taking pills for a very long time and need to get their lives put back in order.
    Suboxone is hard to get off too but you can tapper it down way easier then pills. It doesn't give you a high. And it gives time to get away from the "streets" if he buys them from others.
    But if he hasn't been using large amounts, or not for a long time cold turkey from the pills is another option.
    Oh and suboxone can be used short term to help with the withdrawal symptoms.
    Most doctors induce people at crazy amounts. Randy is our specialist on here on induction. He can tell him exactly how to do it to make it a success. He has helped many people in the past and he is a great support to those that tapper too.

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    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Hi TampaFlorida. I really appreciate your advise. You have been so helpful to me. I feel like I'm still kinda getting it from my boyfriend's perspective on his pill addiction. There is alot that I do not know. I sense there is more and I'm trying to separate myself mentally, physically and spiritually from his pill addiction. I can not help him unless he wants my help. Even though he tells me all the time he wants to go into rehab and detox. I can not contol him or his behavior and I'm fully aware of this. I'm trying not to stress or have anxiety anymore requarding his pills. It is hard living and loving my boyfriend whom is a pill addict. I'm here for him no matter what. I tell him this so he can understand and not feel ashamed around me but he still hides his pills. He tske oxycodone , vicodin, and suboxone. I've noticed that he tears the sublingual film. He says that he wants to stop but his body aches so bad from the withdrawls that his body tells him to snort more pills so the symptoms goes away. I see him when he is withdrawing and this breaks my heart. I do take care of him when he is withdrawing because I love snd care gor him. I give him my word that I'm here and I'm not going to abondon him. It just hurts to see him like that. I make him soup and give him crackers...give him fluids to sray hydrated...give him ibprophen for his migraines...ect. Because I love him. He says he needs me and I show him that by being there for him. I can not stand there and do anything to help ease his symptoms. I'm trying really hard to be strong for him. I'm going to takk yo him this weekend about his plans about getting help and about rehab again. I can not force him I know...but I need him to understand how I feel and how this affects my life with him. I told him numerous times before. I feel like we are in limbo and nothing has changed for the better. I pray everyday he will see he dies need help for real this yime. I will wait and see because I love him. Am I doing the right thing?

  7. #7
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Pamela,

    I've been reading your posts and Tampa's responses for a couple of days now and have avoided posting to you because what I have to say will likely sound harsh to you and is probably not what you want to hear. I am an addict in recovery and have been clean for 6 years. My adult son is an active addict. You might guess correctly that I know both sides of your story very well. I have much to say, but if you don't pay attention to anything else I'm going to say to you, pay attention to this: Loving an addict is far harder than being one. I have control over what I do with my life and what I do to remain in recovery. I have nothing that I can do for my son. Nothing. If it would make a difference and if I could do it, I'd gladly give my son my sobriety and start my recovery from Day 1.

    I read so much of myself in your first post. I have done all of these things and more for my son to provide him with the resources he needs to get into recovery. I've given him books, names and phone numbers for detox/rehab facilities. I've driven him doctor's appointments. I've paid for detox/rehab. I have stayed awake countless times while he detoxed here at home being sure he's eating and drinking and doing everything within my power to try and make him more comfortable. I did everything I could think of for my son and you have done these things for your boyfriend. When you look at this in writing, it becomes very clear that you and I work harder on their recovery than they do. What is the result? Nothing changes.

    It's admirable what lengths you are willing to go through for your boyfriend and clearly you love him. It has taken me years to finally understand that I am sacrificing my peace and happiness and it's for nothing. The end result if I continue to do his recovery work for him is that he will remain in active addiction and I will have made huge sacrifices for nothing. Two lives will be lost instead of one. If my son needed a kidney and I only had one, I would happily give it to him to save his life. If giving him that kidney meant that we would both die, then should my decision be the same? Of course not.

    From too much experience on both sides of this thing called addiction, making it comfortable for an addict to use (no consequences) is paramount to force feeding him his pills. Detoxing from opiates is hard and recovery is even harder. I don't ever want anyone to think that I'm implying that it's anything but difficult.

    You mentioned in your last post that you are going to talk to him again this weekend about rehab. Have you decided how you will handle things depending upon his response? If he tells you he wants to go to rehab and begin his recovery I really think you need to carry that conversation further this time. Just saying he wants to go doesn't change anything. Ask him when he's going. Give him the numbers for the facilities you have found and tell him he has to begin to call immediately. Not tomorrow and not on Monday. Now. These places answer their phones 7 days a week. This call is one that he has to make. They won't talk to you anyway. If his answer is that he wants to get clean but isn't ready yet, then what do you plan to do? If the answer is that you'll do nothing but stay with him and support him, then hunker down for the ride. It won't be a fun one. I will caution you, however to not set a boundary or make an ultimatum unless you are fully prepared to follow through. Be aware that without exception, active addicts are very talented manipulators and he will tell you whatever it is that he knows you want to hear to get this conversation over with as quickly as possible. It doesn't make him a bad person, and when he's saying the words he probably will mean them but when faced with the work it takes to get into and remain in recovery he will avoid it in spite of any promises he has made to you. It's just the way our minds work. I have no doubt that he wants to be clean. Few addicts stay content for long once they become addicted but it isn't until it just isn't worth it anymore that we are willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay clean.

    This is a journey for you too. I'm not trying to put pressure on you to do anything that you're not ready to do. I just want to caution you that until you are ready to set boundaries and adhere to them, nothing else you're going to say or do is going to make much of a difference. I speak from experience and I promise you I'm not exaggerating. Right now, you are suffering more than he is and if you think for even a second that he one day will feel guilty enough about what he's doing to you that it will finally click and he'll get treatment, I can also assure you that guilt in itself isn't enough. I had plenty to feel guilty for when I was using, but it had nothing to do with my decision to get clean and stay that way. It was actually in spite of feeling guilty that I got clean if that makes sense. It was easier feeling guilty while using than having to face it with a clear head.

    Good luck, sweetie. I hope things work out for you but please stop trying to do his work for him. You can't.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-12-2016 at 08:21 PM.
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    TampaFlorida is offline Member
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    Hello Pamela,
    Catrina's post hit the nail on the head. It's very hard to live with an addict, and that's why I advised you in my first post not to marry him yet.
    As Catrina said: addicts will use until it's not worth for them anymore. That's the time when they start thinking about recovery. When it gets harder to get money for pills, when it gets harder getting pills and when you keep getting into withdrawal because you have no pills.
    One thing that stands out in you reply is that you mentioned that he's using suboxone, hydros and Vicodin. Do you know what suboxone is used for? It's used either for detox (short term) or as a substitute drug long term. You don't get high from it and it has a long half live, means it lasts longer then Vicodin and hydros ( those get you high).
    It seems to me that he uses the suboxone when he has no hydros or Vic's to prevent sickness. That is not good at all. If he's ready for recovery he would be using only the suboxone ones or twice a day. I used to do that too when I was in active addiction. I would use subs to prevent getting sick, ones I got my hand on oxys I would take those to get high and numb myself.
    Take Catrina's advise to heart. That's why it's so important for you to take care of yourself. You can get so caught up with this that you will start thinking nonstop about his addiction and pills. You love him and you want to support him. It's good that he knows he's not alone but you also need to let him know that you have boundaries too.
    If nothing changes, nothing changes. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
    It's really hard to balance this out and just like you already know, it's up to him to get help.
    Read more about suboxone on this board. Talk to him about this. Ask him why he doesn't use the suboxone the way it's suppose to be used. That's what worries me the most, because it screams that he is not ready to get into recovery yet.
    Take care of yourself, so you don't end up being a patient too. Let us know how your talk went and definitely take Catrina's post to heart. She knows both sides of the story.
    Let us know what he said.

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    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Thank you Catrina and TampaFlorida for your very insightful advise. You guys are helping me with everything that I need to know about living will an pill addict. I have spoken to my boyfriend on Monday night reguarding his pills. He told me spends $600-$700 per week on oxycodone and subloxone. He says it varies in price per week depends on who has what and how much they have. He buys more subloxone then the pills. He uses to numb his pain and not to face reality. It's hard for him to take responsibility for his actions. I told him I feel like we are at a standstill. We are not moving forward. And I can't live like this forever. I told him that I love and care about him. That I'm always here for him. He told me also that he looked up my therapist that i see online. He told me he is going for a drive to gather his thoughts. He came back 30 mins later and told me thank you for letting him go to clear his thoughts. He needs time to himself out of the house because it reminds him. I'm thinking the pills he was vague. And he also said he is going to see if he has enough courage to call the therapist tomorrow. Tomorrow was yesterday...Tuesday. When i came home from work i didnt mentioned anything...he never told me if he called or not. I don't know if he did. I'm hoping he did but if he didnt possibly this week. I really want him to get help and i care about his wellbeing. He told me straight out Monday night while we were talking that he doesnt want to do this anymore he is tired...he doesn't want to spend all his money on the pills. He wants to change. He told me all of this. I love him so much. I'm trying really hard to be strong for him because he needs me. Please tell me what you think so far for his decision making. Thank you so much. Hope to hear back from you guys soon.

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    7fourteen is offline Member
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    Pamela,

    I was what your boyfriend is for 20 years of my marriage. I hid it so well, I was a great liar, I drained a fairly large 401k by taking loans out of it. Catrina is dead on. You can do everything that you are doing and then some. If he does not make the decision to stop, it more than likely will not happen. I too have a son that is an addict. I convinced him to get help but he only does it to appease me. Makes a good showing then right back at it. The hardest thing I ever did was make him leave home with no place to go. All I was doing was enabling him. I have been clean for 16 months now and it is something that I have to work at everyday at this point. I continue to go to meetings, read literature and see an addiction specialist. My point is " I " choose to do this for myself. Don't get me wrong, it saved my marriage but I had to save myself first. I wish you the best. Again, being the spouse of an addict is harder than being the addict. I know, I have heard the horror stories from my wife.

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    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Dear 7fourten... Thank you for your advise. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my issue at hand with my boyfriend. You said you were in my boyfriend's shoes before and now you are a recovered addict.. Good for you. I'm so glad to hear that. My questions that I have I was wondering if you can help me understand somethings my boyfriends says and does. I don't understand why he lies to me about small stuff. I usually keep this to myself but it really bugs me. It's basically when it comez down to money. If we are out and asks if I can go on half or if i have extra money on me to help pay is way to whatever we are doing. I think its because he spent all his money on pills. Sometimes he says they don't take his card it's a Discover. I asked once while he stepped away in a restaurant and they told me they do. So he just pocketed my money im assuming for pills. I never confronted him and i just asked...oh so you have no money. He said he does...then i said oh so you don't want to pay for me...he goes no that isnt it. We are in a relationship and sometimes we can go Dutch. I was offened since i have buy stuff over the weekend like food and necessities. Granted he helps out when he gets paid weekly but i spend more on items we need. This is some of the stuff that hurts me. I know he is spending $600-$700 per week on pills. He has nothing to show for his money. He is so worth it. I love this man...he says sometimes he sees why im upset and other times he cant understand why. I tell him im upset because of the pills. I tell him i wish i could take his pain away. He has been through alot in his life and this is why he takes the pills to escape reality. Its too painful for him to deal with so he chooses pills instead of facing his responsibilities. This is why im upset ...im upset at his addiction because i care and love him and i care about his well being. Sometimes i feel like i dont know what is real andcwhat is fake when he speaks to me. Im so sad and hurt. And i love him. Ple as e help me to understand a mind of an pill addict. Its hard for me to understand his mind set. Thank you....hope to hear from you soon.

  12. #12
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    The mind of an addict is one of a liar, and one of shame.

    This is coming from an addict, mind you.

    I have shared with NO ONE the depth of my addiction. On the outside, I am together, active, professional, have a great career, family, a loving husband, pets - lol. I FUNCTION on a daily basis. I bathe, and exercise, and interact with the world.

    Addicts lie. You need to understand that above all else. They lie to themselves, and they lie to others. The lying comes from needing to cover the extreme shame.

    I'm going to tough love you, Pamela, because you need it. I picture you being a very young, very sweet, and very caring girl. Perhaps this is your first serious relationship. Most women can relate to being with the 'bad boy" in our 20s. Most women can also relate to the belief they can change a man, and that we provide the inspiration. That if he loves us enough, he'll change xyz behavior.

    Sadly, this won't happen, Pamela.

    You are living the life of the classic enabler, the classic codependent. I strongly urge you to google these two things. You say your BF is worth all of this, but, he's been a heavy drug user the whole time you've known him. You've never known him sober...you need to consider you might not like or have much in common with who he is straight. You've been dating a blunted, altered version of who he is.

    Because the real opportunity for change and growth in your story isn't about your boyfriend, but for you. This is a huge life lesson and chance for you to learn much about yourself. I truly hope you take it, and don't end up like many partners of addicts - emotionally spent, financially in ruin, and bitter.

    Can he change? YES!!! Addicts get sober every day, and many are on these boards to tell their success stories. But, notice one common thing in their tales...they aren't here because their partner forced it - they got clean because they were tired of living the exhausting life of being a drug addict. Until your BF is willing to get help, I vote you save yourself.

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    7fourteen is offline Member
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    Pamela,

    let me start this by saying I am not a recovered addict. I am a recovering addict and always will be. It is something I have to work on every day. Money to your boyfriend is second only to the pills. Without the money there are no pills. He will do anything to get the pills. If the money runs out he WILL get it from somewhere some how. The lie is part of the addicts life. Your whole life is a lie because you really are, at least I was ashamed of who I had become. I worked at the same company for 35 years and ended up ruining several relationships I had built over that time due to the lies. I had to use at work just to stay normal. When I couldn't find the pills I ended up using vacation because I couldn't do my job while going through WD. I know of one thing that is really helping my wife and I at this point is therapy together but the biggest thing that has helped us both is listening and reading material from Dr. Gabor Mate. You can listen to him on You Tube or find his books on the net. Let me say I am not affiliated nor am I plugging his material. I have learned so much from his material, especially his book "In the realm of Hungry Ghoast". When I started going to Out Patient my counselor turned me on to him. We watched a video he was doing for Recovery 2.0. I watched that and have just absorbed his material.

    Please understand that you can't fix him or take his pain away. He has to make that decision. If and when he does make that decision it's not easy. I can't tell you how many times I relapsed in the first six months. I personally just got tired of living the lie. Please head what Lifesaver77 is telling you. You will not change this. You can't fix this. You are enabling him when you help him pay. Call me old fashioned but in the 32 years I have known my wife I have never had her pay for any meal. You need to save yourself. Understand that right now he loves, needs the drugs more than he needs you.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-20-2016 at 05:21 AM.

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    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Thank you 7fourteen for helping understand this whole addiction thibg with my boyfriend. I've made some healthy changes in my life over the past week. I've talked to my boyfriend about this last Monday. I told him I can't continue to live like this forever. I told him we are at a stand still...we need to move forward. He told me he wants to change and he is making a process to get his courage up to change for the better. I have let him be. I started working more on myself and making more healthy choices in my life. I cannot change or control him or his behavior. I'm fully aware of this. If he decides to hurt me again I know its him that srlf sabotaged our relationship....it is him not me. If he does this is his way of saying he is not ready to heal and I have to be strong enough mentally, physically and spiritually for myself to let him go. I told him I will never hold him back if he decides to leave and I pointed to the door. I put my foot down and I am proud of myself. I respect myself more by saying this to him. I have a voice and boundaries and I must follow through. If he can't see what he has in front of him its not my fault. I've been there for him though everything alot over the past year. At least I know I have tried. I feel in love with a pill addict and I'm stronger now then before that I know what stands in front of me. I can't control him I can only control myself and my behavior. I love him with all my heart. I hope oneday soon he will realize what he has in front of him...me...

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    7fourteen is offline Member
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    Good girl. Sometimes tough love Is what it takes. I was close to loosing everything And knew it. Between that and living a constant lie I just made a choice. It's all about choices.

  16. #16
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Thank you 7fourteen. I'm trying really hard to give myself the chance to see what pill addiction is all about. I'm still kearning and I still want to be educated on this subject. I'm more aware of my boyfriends habits. Like him going outside to his work van in the early morning or even late at night to double check if he locked up his work van so no one breaks in. I know he keeps his pills and suboxone in there. My instincts tell me he is still using and he his hiding it from me as he always was before. The only difference is he sees me there looking at him like why did you go outside? I just look at him and i dont say anything. He responses to me right away with an explaination. Guilty i see... And he must know that i know im more aware now then before. My healthy perspective on this is i look at it like this. I have to continue to live my life like he doesn't exsist. I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt. Because if he decides to leave me... I know I will be ok. It won't hurt as much. Is this ok to think this way in my predicament? I still need your advise if that is ok. I'm still learning how a pill addict functions. I love him and I want to continue our journey in life together. I want him to get help...

  17. #17
    7fourteen is offline Member
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    I think you know why he is going to his work truck. I did the same thing. I was the only one with a key. Pamela as long as you are with him and he is using you are enabling him. You don't have to wait for him to leave because he never will as long as you are with him. There are several books and literature on co dependency and enabling addicts. I'm telling you though. He will NEVER leave you because he needs you. If he did leave you he would be back as soon as the drugs run out. You need to make a stand.

  18. #18
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Thank you 7fourteen for your response. I know what he is doing when he goes to his work van. It just breaks my heart because I wish he can just come clean and just tell me the truth. This is the perfect example of him lying to me why he is going to his van. I told him and he knows, that he betrayed my trust before...and I'm slowly trying to trust him fully again. So why does he continue to lie about the small things to me? Dows he think that I'm stupid? I'm not stupid I know what he is doing. I just want him to be more fourth coming to me about his addiction. I already know...he saud before that he is ashamed and that is why he doesn't do that in front of me. He does it when I'm at work...when he goes to the bathroom. He keeps his pills in his pocket while he is at home. They are on him and or in his work van. Do you see why I question everything? Its so easy for him to lie to me to my face....wobder what else he is capable of and this is what scares me. He can lie to me like nothing... And I'm supposed to just take it? I don't want to...he treats me like I'm a fool....like im so stupid. I'm a very intelligent woman that doesn't deserve this. I'm trying so hard to keep it together. Ladt night when i got home from work I could tell he was withdrawing....his eyes were red and swollen. He was complaining about his legs hurt really bad from work...he seemed out of it. I tried to undetach myself from him last night. Small things like I took a shower by myself...asked him to watch dinner as I showered...those were huge steps for me. We always take nightly showers together when i get home from work... He waits for me. I usually make dinner first then we shower together. I had him finish making dinner as I was showering alone. I don't think he noticed...but I did. I felt bad but I have to be strong and still live mylife like he doesn't exsist. Is this wrong what I'm doing? Please help me more to understand him . thank you...

  19. #19
    7fourteen is offline Member
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    Pamela, I do not hear anything from your post that he is making an effort to change. Putting it bluntly, he will continue this until the money runs out, if that happens look for things to start disappearing. Or he ends up in jail or worse. You need to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself is this the life I want to live? You sound to very very young and involved with a bad boy. My daughter went through this until the bad boy pulled a gun on her and took all her money. Not saying that will happen to you but I truly do not see anything good coming out of this. When you an addict nothing else matters. Not love not family nothing. Save yourself a lot of pain sweetie.

  20. #20
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Thanks for responding 7fourteen. My noyfriend had said to me numerous times that he wants to change and doesnt want to live life this way anymore. The most recent said he said to me last Monday was that he was open and honest with me about the pills. He told me he spends $600-700 per week on pills and suboxone. And he added to me it bothers him how much money he spends. He doesn't want to spend anymore added to what he exactly spends. He told me he wants to see my therapist that specializes in addiction. He said he hopes he has enough courage to call my therapist on Tuesday...which was last week. I haven't mentioned a thing to him. I'm just waiting for him to do it. He said he wants to though. I just hope its soon. I just told him i cant keep on living this way. I'm in my mid thirties and I never was around drugs. This whole pill addiction situation is new new to me. I just wish he could see my point of view from my angle. I feel like he doesn't get it. He told me he understands me sometimes but not all the time. I'm still hurt and confused.

  21. #21
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Pamela,

    Your boyfriend does understand you. You are trying to apply the same common sense and courtesy that is applied in a relationship where there aren't any drugs involved. This actually has nothing to do with him understanding your point of view. It just isn't as important as being able to continue to use. He's secretive when he's taking his pills because he is ashamed. Take a step back for a moment and think about it. If he began to gobble up pills in front of you, how would you feel? Disrespected. That's how you'd feel and he knows it. You want to believe that it would be a form of honesty but in reality if he began to take pills in front of you, he would interpret that as it's OK with you. Is it? I doubt it. Perhaps more importantly, he's clearly not ready to admit his problem is as big as it is. He doesn't want you to know how many pills he takes a day. He has to get honest with himself before it will ever be possible to become honest with you.

    Nagging him, doing things for him, or trying to love and understand him into recovery is simply not possible. I'm assuming that you pay at least half of your food and living expenses??? I bet you pay more than your share. What would he do if you left? What then? You'd be better off financially and he'd have to figure out out to pay the rent and still blow through hundreds of dollars a week on pills. By helping him make ends meet financially, you are being the model enabler. Think of it this way: For every dollar you provide toward monthly bills, it's one more pill he's able to buy.

    It really is time to sit down and tell him he has got to go to detox/rehab or he has to leave. There's no in between and a promise to do it sometime this week isn't good enough either. Then you have to find the strength to hold that line. You are doing neither one of you any good. This is no way to live. Let him know you love him and wish you could help him, but you know you can't. The split doesn't have to be forever unless he chooses his pills over you and don't be afraid to say those words. In the meantime, you will get on with healing and being happy again. If he does get into recovery, you will be a better person for it and he will respect you because you respect you.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-23-2016 at 05:20 PM.
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  22. #22
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Thank you Catrina for your input on my situation with my boyfriend. Honestly he does pay all his share of the bills. His half has been late fir the past two months which is good. He has made progress on that. He has a very good hard working job that pays very very well weekly. He pays for necessities every week when he gets paid which I'm glad he continue to do so. Only thing i dont like is that he tells me he wants to take me out places and that never happens. Also at the ladt minute if we are out he asks me to pay this time and he will put gas in my car to make it even or we just pay for each others food if we go out to eat. Like on Valentine's day I had to pay for myself. It was sad...it always is . He dies want to get help he expressed that to me too. He even said he doesn't want to spend so much money anymore on the pills. He just ld how much he is spending and he needs to stop. To me that sounds like he is admitting it to me that he has a issue. I see what you are saying about him being ashamed. I already know....so by him hiding the pills from me it majes me think what else he. Is hiding from me .

  23. #23
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    I'm very greatful for discovering this forum. Everyone who has responded to me and continues to do, I just want you guys to that I really appreciate your advise so far. Without knowledgeable people as yourselves I would have been lost. I come on here because I want to be knowledgeable and I love my boyfriend and I want the best for his well-being. When I first met him I knew I was going to fall in love with him. I found out later in the relationship that he takes pills to get high. I never been around drugs my whole life. This is all new to me and I'm here because I want my boyfriend to get help and also to help myself. I'm sorry just feeling lonely about this whole pill addiction thing. I keep alot of tjis to myself. I wish I had a normal hwalthy relationship with my boyfriend. I wish his pill addiction never exsisted. I love him and all I want is him to realize how much damage he is doing to himself...his well-being. Hope to hear from you guys soon. Thank you for listening to me and my story. Thank you.

  24. #24
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Pamela,

    This is an incredibly lonely place to be! I'm glad you found us and you can come and vent and ask questions all you want. We'll do our best to help you. Believe me, just like there is nothing that you can do to help your boyfriend or force him into recovery, we can't force you to do the things that we know from experience will be best for you--and for him. This is a journey that we all have to travel in our own way on our own timeline. Almost every addict wants recovery. This is not fun and we (I am a in recovery--6 years and I have an adult son who is an active addict so I know the drill). honestly don't look forward to being on the hunt to be sure we have pills, counting continually to be sure we have enough, or constantly being on the verge of or being dope sick. Wanting recovery and doing it are two entirely different things. We (addicts) promise ourselves almost on a daily basis that we will stop tomorrow.

    You have mentioned more than once that now that you know he's hiding his pills you wonder what else he's hiding. Who knows. The one thing I can tell you is that I was never a liar. I was terrible at it but when I was using, I became extremely good at it, Even the simple things, We just don't want anything we say or do to raise questions. WE DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!! You are taking the first steps to see the light and figure out what's best for you. You joined this forum for support (spectacular!) and you are beginning to see all his habits that surround his using. It all goes with the territory. Working on his van equals going to hit his stash.. Going for a quick ride to clear his head equals going to score. It's a terrible way to live for the both of you when he does a simple thing like going to the bathroom has you suspicious that he's in there taking his pills (you're probably right most of the time). If you haven't already, you'll be creeping up to the bathroom door to listen. Noticing how long he's in there and trying to determine if it's longer than what it should be. Listening for the toilet to flush. It goes on and on.

    I'm sure he loves you. I also know how scary it would be to give him the ultimatum to choose between you and his pills. We both know that there's no certainty of what his choice will be. It has nothing to do with whether he loves you or not. At some point, we continue to use just to avoid being sick. Nothing will change until we change it. Maybe not today, but at some point you will have to decide whether you are willing to sacrifice your happiness in order to continue an existence with your boyfriend because at this point, that's exactly what it is. You are both just existing. If you're OK with that for now, then there's nothing we're going to tell you or suggest to you that will make a difference. When you've had enough, then you'll do something. Just remember that time passes more quickly than we think at the moment.

    I wish for you to find a way to heal and find peace again.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  25. #25
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    I'm sorry for not writing on here for the few days. When I got home from work Tuesday night I noticed in my driveway a piece of paper. It was next to my boyfriend's work van. I figured he must of dropped something and didnt noticed it. I picked it up and it was a pawn receipt from that day and it was my boyfriend's. He pawned 3 tools that morning. When I got ibside the house it was dark. No light on. I found my boyfriend in our room and I could tell he wasn't himself. I turned on the light and my boyfriend was watching movies on his tablet. I asked him while handing him the pawn receipt why he needed this extra money if he gets paid tomorrow. He didnt answer. I asked was it for pills he said no. He started getting angry at me saying he hasnt had any since Sunday was the last of his pills and he is trying to quit. One day at a time he says. I asked again wby he has to pawn his tools from work he just smiled at me and said he wanted extra money who cares. I just stood there waiting for him to talk to me and help me to understand what be is trying to tell me about quittibg the pills. I told him im hurting and he said he knows i am and started yelling and swearing at me telling me i dobt love or care or even care about his well-being. I started getting scared for him yelling at me about blaming me. He kept going on. I let him yell but after a few mins i couldnt take the disrespect so i left our bedroom abd i said im going for a drive. I went by my girlfriends house for 3 hours..my boyfriend never called or texted me. I was so hurt and sad. He never lashed out to me before like this. I just wanted to know why did he pawn his tools. He worked hard to buy them. He hurt me. Im so sad and im confused why be got so angry at me. Please help me understand why he lashed out at me. I didnt do anything.

  26. #26
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Pamela,

    We who know what it feels like to be an addict can accurately predict all of this behavior. In spite of what he said about having pawned some tools, I would bet a ton of money that he needed it to buy pills. If he hadn't had any pills for a couple of days, he would have been sick and clearly he wasn't if he was able to sit still and watch movies. He will lie to you all of the time to protect his secrets. Just like I said in my earlier post, he doesn't want to talk about it. The answer is to turn the tables on you and he got exactly what he wanted. He didn't tell you what he needed the money for and managed to stop the conversation. Classic.

    Is the friend you went to visit someone who you talk to about this? I would also strongly suggest that you find an ALANON meeting and try it. What you get from these meetings is entirely up to you. You don't have to participate if you don't want to, but you will hear things that will be strikingly similar to your situation. You will also learn ways to cope with your boyfriend's addiction. If we love an active addict, our first reaction is to want to understand it. As time goes by, you will realize that you will never really understand it because you've never been an addict. Your boyfriend wants you to understand it so that you'll be OK with him using. I sure hope that neither you or anyone else gets to the point that you become so understanding that you're OK with it. Addiction is now widely accepted as a disease. Let's just say that your boyfriend was a diabetic and he LOVES candy. If he asked you to buy him a big ole bag of candy, would you be OK with it? You understand how hard it is for him to not eat candy but would you help him to eat it. I don't think so. If he had lung cancer and had trouble quitting smoking, you'd understand that but would you be OK with it? I don't think so. This is what he's asking you to do. He has a disease and he wants you to understand that's it's hard for him to quit doing something that is harming him both physically and mentally.

    The parts of addiction that you do want to understand are the parts that will help you save yourself. Addiction is very selfish. Everything in his life comes in second place to having what he needs to avoid being sick--his pills. Right now, what he sees is that he's able to buy and use and that you love him too much to leave him. His addiction hasn't taken anything of importance to him. YET. But it will. I don't know where he works but if it hasn't yet, his addiction will likely begin to interfere with his performance. Bills won't get paid because his first dollar is to buy pills and what's left over, if anything, will go to pay bills. If he's pawning stuff, this may already be happening. Credit cards get maxed out and minimum payments at best might be getting paid. In fact, if he had room on his credit card to get cash, he wouldn't have pawned tools. Think about it.

    Try to take care of yourself. At some point, you will have to leave or tell him to leave unless he gets himself into detox AND rehab (rehab is different than detox) immediately. Now that you have started to confront him with things, you will likely be in an argument or on the verge of one on a very regular basis. The rest of the time, you will be fighting with yourself to either stay quiet or talk to him about things. If he's in a bad mood, you'll be afraid to approach him and you'll tell yourself to wait until he's in a good mood. When he's in a good mood, you won't want to talk about things because you don't want to spoil the good mood. Your sacrifices are for nothing and it's not fair to you. Bottom line is that he wants you to understand and support him. For what? So he can keep using? You need to let him know that the support you are offering is to give him a ride to detox. Period.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  27. #27
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Catrina,
    I'm trying really hard to understand what you are telling me. I'm so much appreciative to you and others for support. I don't want to live life with my boyfriend like this anymore. I want him to get help but I know its up to him when he is ready. Ever since last week Tuesday when he raised his voice to me , I've been a sad hurtful mood. Wednesday night came that week and he was so sweet and thoughtful like nothibg happened. I predicted how he woukd act when i got home and i was right. He was making dinner, lighted all the candles around the house, cleaned the house, brought groceries ect. That is when it hit me. I am in a cycle that never moves. He hurt me emotionally and mentally and never gave me a senser apology for his actions. The way he reacted to me when i questioned him why he pawned and let him know im hurting inside from his addiction scared me. And it changed me. I dont look at him the same. I just wish he was never addicted to pills in the first place. Today is Tuesday...the only day in the week i dread the most because tomorrow is Wednesday...pill day....he gets paid every Wednesday. My anxiety gotten so bad today i had to leave work 2 hours early because i couldn't stop crying. Tuesday was a traumatic day for me. That day plagues me now. I will never forget how he be littled me and disrespected me. And now I have changed and it opened up my eyes to his pill addiction more. Im not denial anymore because i experienced his demon from within him. It was so horrible and i was scared of him. Im walking on egg shells before i go home. I don't know whom im coming home to. I never know. I love this man. Its so jard to understand why he is putting me through this. I just want to help and get him better. Im sorry...im just really emotional today. Please understand . im sorry......

  28. #28
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Oh Pamela. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It's so hard because truly, there is nothing you can do to help him. If there was, you'd do it. You said it best, sweetheart. You are on a cycle that goes nowhere. The simple fact that you can predict how he will be because it's Tuesday or Wednesday says a lot to me. This is the rut that is created by abusing pills. Money to get pills = a good day. Out of money and without pills=a very bad day. Now that you are noticing how his demeanor and behavior changes, it's going to be all but impossible to overlook it from now on and you shouldn't have to. This is just the beginning of his addiction affecting your life in negative ways.

    There really isn't much that anyone is going to be able to say or do to make this easier for you. We can validate your feelings and your fears though and they are very real and you are NOT over reacting. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be at peace. Please don't sacrifice your happiness and peace in the name of drugs. You will know what's best for you and you will change things when you are ready. Just don't waste your time and tears trying to make him better because you can't. You can, however make yourself better.

    We're hear to listen and to support you. Post when you can.

    Peace,

    Cat

  29. #29
    pamela7260 is offline New Member
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    Hi Catrina , sorry for not responding right away. I have been doing alot of thinking over the past couple of days. Again I really appreciate you and everyone here giving me there input on my matter at hand. I've been thinking about my boyfriend . I really do truely love him. Its so hard to say what I neex to say to him. I cant forget about him arguing with me last week Tuesday. He hurt me again yesterday. I called my bank to check my balance. Hmmmmm.... I was short almost $100. I talked to live teller on the phone and she said the check i deposited last week that my boyfriend wrote out a check for me for the utilities bill. Well he gave me a bad check. He had no funds in his acct and for that i was charged for the amount He was supposed to give me. So I called him on his work phone letting him know what is going on. He said he will fix it and give me the money tonight and i told him his share of the rent too. He seemed surprised about the check thing. He said he never got a notification from his bank. I told him now I'm short the $97.48 in my acct when i have my own bills that come out of automatically out of my acct on certain days of the month. He said he would fix it and go to the bank. Remember Wed is payday pill day....I came home and he seemed angry at me and he just seemed different. He never gave me the money last night. I am hurt and disappointed in him. My opinion about the whole check tjing is that I tjink he had good intensions writing the check out for his share of the bill...granted he didnt pay attention to his finances that he used up the rest of his check for his pills. That is mine conclusion. I don't know....what do you think about this situation? When I get home tonight from work I am hoping he has the money he owes me and his share of the rent. I just don't like he puts me in these predicaments every month. I shouldn't have to remind him. It hurts me so bad. Why and how could he give me a vheck with no funds and then the outcome to screw up my bank acct for my bills? Please help me understand this. Im going to talk to him about this on Sunday. Can you give me any advise to what to say to him about this setious matter? My girlfriend thinks I should ask him if we could open up a joined checking acct for bills only. He will put half of his check every Wed in this acct. To help save him from spending his whole check on pills every week. We live together I have to put my foot down. This isnt fair to me. He talks about taking trips and doing simple things together in our neighborhood but we cant...he is either withdrawing or he has no money but comes up with an excuse that he nust wants to stay in. But i want to share and nuild memories together and take trips together. Can you please help me with adivsecwhat to all say to him on Sunday? I have an idea what to say but i wouldnt mind any other points to talk to him about. Thank you. I love my boyfriend...i wish he didnt hurt my feelings the way he did yesterday. It just seems now every week its more stuff. I can't believe it. I'm so hurt and upset with him. I could never do this to him. I dont feel appreciated or even valued. I feel like im worthless. This is how he makes me feel. And why did he seem angry at me last night? He caused this with his actions. I reacted and stood up for myself. Why was he angry at me?

  30. #30
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Pamela,

    I'm on my way out but I want to answer you and take the time I need to say what I have to say. What I will say for now, is that it would be a HUGE mistake to mix your money right now. Don't do it. You'll be allowing him access to your share. Bad idea. More later....

    Peace,

    Cat

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