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Hi all. 18month clean and relapse on day 2 of detox
  1. #1
    Mike86tommo is offline New Member
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    Default Hi all. 18month clean and relapse on day 2 of detox

    Hi everyone I'm new to this site.

    Il give a brief history.

    2009 I had my first ever glug of morphine sulphate after my wife was ill I tryed it to understand why she was so sleepy all the time.
    When I took it it felt like the best thing In the world. I am ex army and have a disabled wife. I ended up spending the next 7 years taking any prescription opiate I could get my hands on.

    It got to a stage where I was taking 200mg of morphine sulfate and 50 tramadol a day I ended up having a seizure in June 2014 which was the scariest thing I have ever experienced. But the worst thing was when I walked out of the hospital I dosed up crazy I know.

    I went into tramadol detox which was absolutely hurrendous the wd from them tablets are absolutely hurrendous so I sought help thru our local drug council inspire they then but me on bupronorphine which at the time worked until they started the titration backwards I started bad withdrawal and that lasted so long and drawn out and ultimately I wasn't ready to come out of the addiction so I was straight back into active addiction.

    Again my tolerance raised but this time I didn't touch the tramadol I used cocodomol 500mg paracetamol and 30gram codeine with straight morphine sulphate I was eating the cocodomol at a scary rate about 30 a day and 200 ml of morphine. My liver was abouts to pop with all the paracetamol. Over Christmas period of 2016 I became deeply depressed due to seeing no way out. Just after the new year 4th January I stopped taking everything and I hit the rattle like a steam train. A few weeks went by and I started to feel better but not right after 6 weeks I felt normal again and had the best 18 months off anything we holidayed in tenerife and again in Spain life was good. Cravings then became very few and far between.

    Then disaster I got home from work 1 night can't even remember having a craving or anything or any urges I just remember picking the bottle of morphine up and the rest is history that was 3 months ago. I am now going into day 3 of detox. I can't wait for it to be over and get back to where I was. I couldn't belive how stupid I had been and how much it destroys you mentally a big relapse wow.

    Wd this Time round have been very uncomfortable but mild in comparison to the main withdrawal last year and not a patch on a bup or tramadol withdrawal.

    Loving thoughts to any suffering addict out there.

    Thanks for taking the time to read

  2. #2
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Welcome to the forum Mike...
    Congratulations on coming back and trying again don't beat yourself up relapse happens. Some of us dont ever get the chance to come back and try again. Have you looked into getting face to face support. Na, Aa, counseling, therapy, celebrate recovery? It will help give you the tools to getting and staying clean. It will hold you accountable you do not have to go threw this alone... Good luck keep us posted we are all here to support you...

  3. #3
    Mike86tommo is offline New Member
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    Hi mate yes I used to go to na I didn't really feel comfortable there I know it's none judgemental and the people are very supportive I just don't like groups. I know I can beat it again I have a loving supporting family around me. Its currently 0245 am and still haven't slept I'm in a red hot bath trying to rest my body. I'm trying to relax as I know it doesn't last forever I have a week and a half off work to get somewhere close.

    Thanks for the reply pal
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  4. #4
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Welcome Mike and Congratulations for making the decision to dig yourself back out of this. Lving said it but it's worth repeating: Don't beat yourself up. All too often relapse is just a part of recovery. A really sucky part of recovery.

    Because I've been where you are (more than once, I'm afraid) I needed to leave some encouragement and hopeful words for you. There is a bit of good news here. This detox should not be as horrific as your last because what you have been taking are straight fast acting opiates. The worst of the physical symptoms should be behind you around Day 5. That means you're better than half way there. The Bup and Trams that you were taking the last time prolongs everything significantly. The timeline you are likely up against is these five days of detox followed by another couple of weeks of some anxiety, depression and trouble sleeping. These things will lift gradually. By the end of your second week, you'll begin to see some improvement with sleep. Hopefully by that time you'll be able to capture four or five hours a night even though it still might be broken. Don't let it frustrate you. I'm betting before the month is out, your sleep patterns will be returning enough that it will help with the remnants of the depression and anxiety. I know that this sounds like a long time and there will be times that you'll feel like it's an eternity. Just keep reminding yourself that these coming few weeks won't be all bad, nor will they be all good. During the bad times, know that it will pass. Even during early recovery after your detox is completed, you'll have times that you'll feel amazing! There will also be times that you'll feel hopeless but those days will become fewer and fewer until you're left with what we call life.

    Support is important. You're certainly not alone in resisting the structured groups like AA or NA but I'd encourage you to give it another shot. You might try an AA meeting this time. A lot of people seem to feel more comfortable at those meetings and the programs are the same. At the very least, can you get yourself into some one on one therapy? To most of us addicts, therapy sounds hokey as we embrace the misconception that we HAVE to do this on our own. After all, we got ourselves here so we have to get ourselves out. Oh so not true! Addiction is bigger than any one of us. Besides, if there is any possibility at all that this support might make a difference, then it's worth a shot. Right? Right.

    Finally, as long as you're not sleeping anyway, haunt this Forum. It helps to pass the time (one our most imposing enemies during detox). Pour your heart out right here. Rant, cry, complain. Whatever you want to or need to do. Soon, you'll be able to go back and re-read this thread as evidence of the progress you've made. It's hard to believe that we would somehow forget exactly how this feels but sure enough we do. It won't hurt to remind yourself and it'll be easy because it's documented right here. Besides, you have an entire community of addicts who are both smart and compassionate and know and understand exactly what you're going through. Keep posting and reading!!

    Peace,

    Cat

  5. #5
    Mike86tommo is offline New Member
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    Hi thanks for your kind words. Today was a good day up early thanks to wd took my son to his rugby match and kept busy all day. Absolutely shattered now but still can't sleep but hey I can't have it all. Feeling slightly depressed this evening just pondering on things and how I ended up back here. This has been by far the easiest wd I have done which tbh I'm thankful for. Still ill I had a strange feeling last night in my arms. Exactly like restless legs but it was in my arms and not my legs it felt bloody horrible.

  6. #6
    Mike86tommo is offline New Member
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    Bad day today zero energy. Not much sleep. Once again sat in the bath calming my body down. Starting to feel really tired now but as we all know that takes a while. So been watching peaky blinders and having red hot baths. Hopefully will get a few hours sleep tonight I hope

  7. #7
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi Mike just checking in to see how things are going?
    The support on the forum is lacking lately for that I'm truly sorry because early on in my recovery this forum was life saving for me. Everything you are feeling and going through is all normal part of the process. Keep me updated my friend...

  8. #8
    Mike86tommo is offline New Member
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    Hi mate yeah doing good at the minute pal. Wd over now just have zero energy and still getting the rls at night and insomnia but like last time it just takes time starting to wear on me now tho really tired. Just trying my first Epsom salt bath to see if it helps my rls enough to be able to fall asleep.

    Low energy but managing to get thru the day. I have found that if I get up and get busy straight away I'm not to bad but if I just get up and do nothing I crash within 20 minutes and can't do anything. 7 days tommorow tho so a week down. Relapsing sucks but however I'm sorta glad it happened in a way because its made me realise why I got off it and stayed off it for 18 months. I now remember saying in my last detox that I am never ever doing this again but look what I'm doing again haha. Telling myself all the time that this is my punishment for relapsing and weather I like it or not its gotta happen. Being clean is far better than using in every way..not worrying about the next dose no lying and stealing and cheating to get the pills.
    Being able to get up in the morning and not reach for a strip of pills or a bottle of morphine and just being able to get up and go out with no ties to the drug.

    Yeah when u first start taking the pills it's a great feeling by and large one of the best feelings in the world. But pretty soon after that first dose it has u hooked and drags you to depths you didn't realise you could go. It absolutely destroys you as a human being and strips you of dignity, morality, happiness turns you selfish beyond words and torments you in a prison within your own body and mind. So yeah I choose to be clean and that little relapse I just had has reinforced in me that I most certainly never ever want to go back there again. I will recover and I will beat this Demon again.

    Sorry for the long reply haha

    Thanks for checking upon me dude

    Peace
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  9. #9
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Mike...
    I'm glad things are bearable... So something positive on your relapse well I'm celebrating two years clean on 11/4 and your coming here sharing your story on relapse keeps it real for me I know I just cant put one in me... I never want to go threw that hell again. I remain Vigilant every day. So I appreciate you sharing your journey with us... I am a grateful addict today... Keep posting we are all here to support you...

  10. #10
    Mike86tommo is offline New Member
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    Hi lvg.
    Yeah I do have a more positive outlook at the minute even tho it's nearly 3 am and I still haven't slept its driving me insane tbh. Tonight's bath didn't work. Led in my daughters bed because she's nicked my side of the bed she's 5 haha love them to bits got 4 wonderful children all under 10 youngest is 3. 3 girls 1 boy who is the eldest. 3 massive daddy's girls. Something I never did on my last clean stint that I have started to now is ask myself at the end of the day what I am grateful for.

    Still trying to stay optimistic. Altho a few hours sleep wouldn't go a miss.

    Thanks for replying. Great work on 2 years clean amazing I could have been 2 years clean on 4th Jan 19 but hey >>>> happens rite. Onwards and upwards

    Take it easy.

  11. #11
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi Mike....
    How's it going today? Grateful for family pretty awesome am I right...
    Give us an update on how your doing my friend...

    ~we all have the same 24 hours...

  12. #12
    extremetm is offline Junior Member
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    18 months clean is darn impressive. You did it then you can do it now. Stay strong brother.

  13. #13
    Mike86tommo is offline New Member
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    I'm doing good now today had a energetic day. Struggling with sleep tho tired. Still have cramping and restlessness thru out my body at night.

    I remember not sleeping last time I came off it. But I didn't remember how frustrating and desperate you start getting because u are not sleeping. Getting to sleep is my problem it just doesn't happen tryed everything bar drugs and I ain't taking them. Apart from valerian root extract (herbal karms) which is pointless, probably get more luck from sucking a stone.

    Havi g a red hot Epsom salt bath now and attempt to get to sleep.

    Cheers guys 9 days tommorow

  14. #14
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Awesome update Mike.... Congratulations....

  15. #15
    Mike86tommo is offline New Member
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    Wow what a busy day I had today I have been to Blackpool pleasure Beach with my son for his 10th birthday present and some how managed to spend most of my wages but who cares eh. Been on my feet since 6am it's now midnight going into 10th day.

    What a brilliant day we had and I am so thankful I got to share it with my family. If u are from England I would recommend going to bpool pleasure Beach it has one of the best rides I have ever been on and I have spent some time on roller coasters around the UK and Orlando florid a and busch gardens. It has a new ride called icon. It is absolutely fantastic and out of this world for the UK the first roller coaster that I feel is actually living upto the standard of ride in usa only ride to ever beat it was dueling dragons at universal in fl. Close third comes the incredible hulk at universal. shattered now ready for bed but as u guessed it no sleep for me.

    Who cares I had an amazing day with my family and treasured times and I wasn't tied to medication to make me enjoy it. Who cares about sleep (OK I might retract that "who cares about sleep" in a couple of hours haha but u get what I mean.

    Feeli g strong cravings but focusing on other things when they hit hard work but as we know we didn't get addicted in a day so it's going to be a little while before I'm back to "normal".

    Thanks for the messages guys

  16. #16
    geemus123 is offline New Member
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    Hey Mike,

    just checking in with you. I'm in the UK, from Scotland, and I got a lot of what you wrote. I was hooked on codeine, through the 500/30 co-codamol tablets and Nurofen +. I was taking very dangerous amounts of Nurofen, and i'm counting myself incredibly fortunate that I don't appear to have done any damage to my organs. I was hooked for 3 years, and at my worst could consume 60-plus tablets. It is scary to document the number. I was playing a stupid dangerous game with my health. Anyways, i've started my third serious attempt at going clean, and i'm currently in day 16 of being pill-free. I get what you said about the cravings. They were very powerful for me at the weekend, but like you , I had to focus on other things.I have to say, you're doing incredibly well to be so active, going thru w/ds and with no sleep...more power to you! I can also vouch for the Pleasure Beach. I've been there 3 times..great wee bit of fun!
    It's great that you were free of the junk to enjoy your son's birthday. I have a young family myself, and so I have to clean up my act for them, if no-one else.

    Take care, and I'll check back in to see how you're getting on,

    Gee.
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  17. #17
    Mike86tommo is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by geemus123 View Post
    Hey Mike,

    just checking in with you. I'm in the UK, from Scotland, and I got a lot of what you wrote. I was hooked on codeine, through the 500/30 co-codamol tablets and Nurofen +. I was taking very dangerous amounts of Nurofen, and i'm counting myself incredibly fortunate that I don't appear to have done any damage to my organs. I was hooked for 3 years, and at my worst could consume 60-plus tablets. It is scary to document the number. I was playing a stupid dangerous game with my health. Anyways, i've started my third serious attempt at going clean, and i'm currently in day 16 of being pill-free. I get what you said about the cravings. They were very powerful for me at the weekend, but like you , I had to focus on other things.I have to say, you're doing incredibly well to be so active, going thru w/ds and with no sleep...more power to you! I can also vouch for the Pleasure Beach. I've been there 3 times..great wee bit of fun!
    It's great that you were free of the junk to enjoy your son's birthday. I have a young family myself, and so I have to clean up my act for them, if no-one else.

    Take care, and I'll check back in to see how you're getting on,

    Gee.
    Hi pal. How are you doing now. Thanks for your reply buddy. I'm on day 12 and feel so much better I think it was easier this time round because it was only a short lived relapse I feel back to myself before the relapse now apart from having cravings more often but they pass. I have found that in all my attempts to get off the pills during my detox and for weeks after I just lounge around feeling sorry for myself and it makes you think about it more it's only on my last detox before the relapse (the one where I got 18 month clean) and this detox its imperative that I keep myself busy after day 4 as much as it hurts and makes you feel like death I have to focus on something else and that way I have found that whilst I'm focusing I'm forgetting about everything well not entirely forgetting it but u get what I mean I still feel the pain and the strong cravings but if I occupy myself it makes it a touch easier to get off. Don't get me wrong you have absolutely no energy whatsoever and I was forcing myself to get into the cold garage and do stuff. It took me a lot longer to do a simple job with absolute lack of energy and lathargic body. But it's imperative that you get your body firing it's own dopamine and seratonin again.

    For example leading upto Saturday night I had not slept since the week before. We woke up early and went to Blackpool I was absolutely shattered had been in bed for about 2 hours of broken sleep. We were on the go all day walking around on and off rides it was freezing cold and wet which tires you out on its own. I drove home at 10pm got home had a hot bath and fell asleep and I was that worn out and shattered from the day and the fact my body was absolutely broken from detox and not sleeping that I slept a solid 8 hours and the only reason I got out of bed was to take my son to a rugby match other wise I would still be in bed now. Haha

    I'm so happy at the minute that I am back of that >>>>e and getting back on track its so much better off that >>>>.

    Keep me posted how your doing mate I really hope you get off this >>>> once and for all. Its hard work but worth it. If I can do it anyone can that's a fact.

    Bet it's getting cold up Scotland now as winter is settling in. I have never felt cold like this but that's only because my body has just detoxed.

    Stay positive brother take it easy.

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