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How do I tell my deceased boyfriend's family that he died from drug overdose
  1. #1
    Audreybabee is offline New Member
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    Default How do I tell my deceased boyfriend's family that he died from drug overdose

    I was dating my boyfriend for around four or five months. He was in his upper sixties w/two teenage children from a previous marriage. Due to busy work schedules/family commitments, etc. we really only saw each other on the weekends. We went on a cruise, and upon return home, he was found dead in his house several days later. In retrospect, signs of alcohol and drug abuse were present during the four months we dated, perhaps I had blinders on because we were still in the "honeymoon" phase of dating. He had a fixation with talking about people who died of drug overdoses. He always talked about medications, that he was taking Celexa, Xanax, Ambien, and Mobic, and that he also had Percocet to take as needed when an old back injury would flare up. On one occasion when I was at his home he told he that had just chewed two Xanax because he was having a panic attack and wanted the Xanax to get in his bloodstream quicker. He was also always talking about doctors, and always making different appointments with different doctors for different ailments. Also he would mysteriously meet up with different rogue guys at bars to pick something up from them. Well during the cruise he was extremely agitated, nervous and paranoid. His eyes were dialated, his right ankle was swollen, and he had a cough that he couldn't shake. He exhibited reckless behavior, in particular he stole a bottle of Nasonex nose spray from the gift shop. He joked that he was going to steal something, and when we were in the gift shop I saw him put this in his pocket. I was so embarrassed that I hurriedly walked out of the gift shop. He had an explosive temper, so I was fearful of confronting him about his theft. During the cruise he was pacing, refused to sleep much, and drank excessive amounts of alcohol without eating anything or keeping hydrated. He drank 14 cans of beer while I was at the spa and then hid the empty beer cans. I never saw him take pils-However-His briefcase tipped over, and about 20 lose Xanax (not even in a pill bottle) spilled out all over. He also didn't want to participate in any activities while on the cruise, and stayed in the room by himself. When we left the cruise to return home he was breathing funny, had a rapid heartbeat, unsteady gait, tremors, bluish grey color to his skin, and was cold. Also he was unable to stay awake on the plane. When I asked him what was wrong he said he was really tired. I didn't hear from him upon arriving home, which was not unusual. About four days later when he didn't show up to work he was found dead in his home. No autopsy was done, and the family believes he died of natural causes. I firmly belief he suffered from a drug overdose because of my observations of his behavior, he was extremely withdrawn in the last weeks before his death, he would not take my calls or calls from his family, he blamed his withdrawn behavior on his back pain, which I now believe to have been just a cover, he expressed despair over not having enough money and was depressed. Also I legitimately take a very low dose of Xanax prescribed by my doctor for mild anxiety. I had just gotten a refill before the cruise. I counted the pills in my bottle, and 20 are missing. I'm thinking he dipped into my pill bottle when I was in the bathroom or at the spa. Based on all of the above I do believe his death was caused by an overdose. The family is looking for answers, they want to know what transpired during the cruise. I believe some, but not all, of the family members knew he suffered from drug/alcohol addictions. I don't want to hurt them or appear as though I am being disrespectful to my deceased boyfriend, but I do feel that they need to know the truth. I have absolutely no guilt on my part, as he hid this from me. How do I discuss this w/his family?

  2. #2
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there. I'm so sorry for your loss. Why was there no autopsy performed? Seems very strange. What does the death certificate state as cause of death?

    Kat

  3. #3
    Audreybabee is offline New Member
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    A distant relative is in law enforcement (very high ranking) in the community where he lived and was the first responder. I believe this distant relative was one of the few who knew of his addictions, and to shield the teenage children (two boys) from the stigma/embarrassment/pain of having any knowledge that their dad was an addict/died of an overdose most likely put away/hid any pill bottles, etc.. Also, since he is so high ranking in law enforcement in that community and so well respected, and knows so many people, he probably called back to the station and said that he did not need back up. Thinking more about it, I do believe that the lack of an autopsy is telling, telling in that if someone, anyone believed that his untimely death was due to natural causes they would've certainly insisted upon having an autopsy. Unfortunately I haven't been privy to the death certificate, but I'm thinking it probably has the standard "myocardial infarction," something like that.

  4. #4
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    I would ask yourself what you stand to gain from telling them what you think may have happened (more importantly what you hope they gain from it)? And if you do tell them I would stick to the word think because without the autopsy you have no proof and will most likely find yourself as the enemy of his family. Especially considering the factors you listed above. I would sit and write 2 lists. Hearsay >> proven facts. Take the hearsay and throw it in the trash.

    Just my opinion I am really sorry to hear of your loss.
    Catrina likes this.

  5. #5
    2angels13 is offline New Member
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    So sorry to here about what happened. How are you handling it? Years ago i had a bf who always said he would die before he was 25....he did, overdosed at 21. Have you talked to the relative whos law enforcement? Or is he someone you dont talk to about it? I would say as if now leave it be unless you can talk to that distant relative...maybe later in life a family member will ask what u think happened, i would be honest about how he acted or what he did/didnt do on the cruise, every detail you can remember good luck

  6. #6
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    I'm in agreement with Jeff. I don't really see any point in having this discussion at all with his family. If they approach you, then perhaps then you can share but if I were you and you are approached, I'd keep it simple. Maybe that when on your cruise you noticed he had a lot of meds and until then didn't realize all of his issues. I'd let them decide what his issues were.

    As an aside, I know in my state if someone dies at home, the state mandates an autopsy. Are you sure that one wasn't done? It it was, then the authorities would do a tox screen. If this high ranking individual has that long a reach that he can persuade the ME to not disclose something, I don't know what to tell you except that your boyfriend's family isn't apt to believe you anyway. Another reason to remain silent.

    Peace,

    Cat

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