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How do you stay opioid free for good??
  1. #1
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    Post How do you stay opioid free for good??

    Hello all,
    I'm new to the forum and have never discussed my opioid issue with anyone except my husband & he doesn't know how bad it is. I've taken Percocet & morphine & dilaudid for almost 3 years on & off. It started with my migraines and severe neck condition that has gotten worse over the years since a child. I'm almost 40 years old now & ashamed I let myself get like this. It started like so many others to help pain but I felt so peaceful & pain-free emotionally. My body grew to love the narcotics immediately! It didn't take long to get dependent & then addicted to them. I got clean last Sept. for a 3 months & felt good. It took 3 weeks of w/d to get it out of my system. The anxiety was insane!! :-( I thought I would lose my mind & never be happy again. But I slowly adapted but the thing is... I don't feel complete without the opioids now. I only feel good with them. The months without them was lonely. Something was lacking. I don't know if anyone understands what I mean?? How can I give them up for good? I get the scrip from a doctor & only have gotten them that way. I take as prescribed always & have never taken more then 4 pills in a day. But I need that bit. What's wrong with me?? Does anyone have any advice?
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  2. #2
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    to add: I know it doesn't sound like much. But it's the fact I need to take the pills. Even if it's 30 mg of morphine a day, or 8-12 mg dilaudid in a day. I need it to feel good. If I go a day without it I feel so down. With it I love the world! People don't know looking at me, a respectable looking woman that I have this secret. I hate it. I need to stop!!!
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  3. #3
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Welcome Autumn,

    Your story is much the same as most of us. Yes, I'm sorry to say that I know exactly what you're talking about. You are mourning for the loss of your best friend. The prospect of never enjoying this friend again is depressing! However, this is a bad relationship that needs to be broken for good.

    I remember finally and newly clean after almost 20 years of using I could not imagine that I would never be able to take a pill again. What?!? Tell me it isn't so! The single most important thing that I soon discovered, though was that I was standing a little taller. I liked myself just a little more. I was able to look myself in the eye and not flinch. I was able to lay my head on my pillow at the end of the day and what was that thing I was beginning to feel? Pride. Self esteem. And I liked it! A lot. At some point when I was still craving, I would seriously consider "that one pill" (not such thing) and suddenly it occurred to me that if I indulged with even that one pill (did I say no such thing?) that it would be at least 3 days before I could say that I was clean. That would quickly put my head back in place and I'd tell myself that today I'm not going to go to bed dirty. Just for today and I gave myself permission to reconsider tomorrow.

    The cravings do pass. Try to make a list of the things you like about being clean and then choose which ones you're willing to sacrifice for a pill. Maybe not right away but as days go by and you look at the list and think about it, there will be fewer and fewer things that you're going to be willing to sacrifice.

    Do something that will make you feel like you're worthy. A small random act of kindness. This is another of the things I began to do once I got clean and I still do them. It's amazing how it makes me feel. Try it. Hold the door for someone or buy a stranger a cup of coffee. It'll the best dollar you've ever spent.

    I see you posting around. This is quite the group so keep in touch both reading and posting. You won't be sorry.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Autumnhopes and Ericamanda2 like this.

  4. #4
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    Welcome Autumn,

    Your story is much the same as most of us. Yes, I'm sorry to say that I know exactly what you're talking about. You are mourning for the loss of your best friend. The prospect of never enjoying this friend again is depressing! However, this is a bad relationship that needs to be broken for good.

    I remember finally and newly clean after almost 20 years of using I could not imagine that I would never be able to take a pill again. What?!? Tell me it isn't so! The single most important thing that I soon discovered, though was that I was standing a little taller. I liked myself just a little more. I was able to look myself in the eye and not flinch. I was able to lay my head on my pillow at the end of the day and what was that thing I was beginning to feel? Pride. Self esteem. And I liked it! A lot. At some point when I was still craving, I would seriously consider "that one pill" (not such thing) and suddenly it occurred to me that if I indulged with even that one pill (did I say no such thing?) that it would be at least 3 days before I could say that I was clean. That would quickly put my head back in place and I'd tell myself that today I'm not going to go to bed dirty. Just for today and I gave myself permission to reconsider tomorrow.

    The cravings do pass. Try to make a list of the things you like about being clean and then choose which ones you're willing to sacrifice for a pill. Maybe not right away but as days go by and you look at the list and think about it, there will be fewer and fewer things that you're going to be willing to sacrifice.

    Do something that will make you feel like you're worthy. A small random act of kindness. This is another of the things I began to do once I got clean and I still do them. It's amazing how it makes me feel. Try it. Hold the door for someone or buy a stranger a cup of coffee. It'll the best dollar you've ever spent.

    I see you posting around. This is quite the group so keep in touch both reading and posting. You won't be sorry.

    Peace,

    Cat

    Yes what you're saying is very true & I can tell speaking from vast experience! I appreciated reading many posts including your post with your "behind the scenes" story. We all have one. But the way you expressed yourself with such a sense of humor...I can see why you have been able to stay clean. You have a beautiful person in yourself to look at. I have a long way to go but the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. I know some of the things I need to do & you just have given me more to consider & meditate on. I thank you for that. When I determine something I'm pretty good at sticking the course. I just have to be that determined! I'm continuing to read & stay close with this encouraging site. I can see how many people have been helped..
    Lvg nghtmare likes this.

  5. #5
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    Hi Autumnhopes,
    I just read this thread but I'm confused if this is the right thread. So you are now on suboxone? And how long have you been on it? So all the feelings you are having are normal. I too loved oxy and all the other opiates but oxy was my DOC. I THOUGHT it made me feel so good, gave me energy, helped my pain, gave me courage, made me clean.....But in the end it really wasn't doing anything except tricking the brain. It takes away the ability to stay healthy. My eyes are so blue now. I am so much more organized. I could go on....Things aren't perfect. Withdrawal symptoms from the suboxone but it saved me in the end so it was worth it. I am in my early 50's and have wasted the past 11 or more years on this ****. You can have so much fun in your 40's. You can do this. If I did anyone can cause I'm a big baby who has gone through all this alone. Except this site. It has been a blessing. I'd like to know more about you.....YOU CAN DO THIS!!
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  6. #6
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Need Support View Post
    Hi Autumnhopes,
    I just read this thread but I'm confused if this is the right thread. So you are now on suboxone? And how long have you been on it? So all the feelings you are having are normal. I too loved oxy and all the other opiates but oxy was my DOC. I THOUGHT it made me feel so good, gave me energy, helped my pain, gave me courage, made me clean.....But in the end it really wasn't doing anything except tricking the brain. It takes away the ability to stay healthy. My eyes are so blue now. I am so much more organized. I could go on....Things aren't perfect. Withdrawal symptoms from the suboxone but it saved me in the end so it was worth it. I am in my early 50's and have wasted the past 11 or more years on this ****. You can have so much fun in your 40's. You can do this. If I did anyone can cause I'm a big baby who has gone through all this alone. Except this site. It has been a blessing. I'd like to know more about you.....YOU CAN DO THIS!!

    Hello Support!! Thank u so much for your kind post.. it was so needed. You will never know how much.
    Yes.. I'm fighting the urge & trying to taper more. My meds are as follows:
    I'm on Suboxone 1.25 mg a day, Topamax 100 mg a day, Lexapro 20 mg a day, & Maxalt (rescue migraine med as needed) 10 mg when needed, Zofran 4 mg (also when needed for nausea with migraine) & Robaxin 750 mg (muscle-relaxer used only as needed) That's my total drugs now. But the dilaudid has always been the best for controlling my pain & migraine when nothing else works...
    UGH...
    SOOOO... It started with Percocet. My absolute favorite. I was in terrible cervical pain & my neuro doc who gave me percs for pain sent me to pain management to continue the madness. I used to work for these docs (in pain management that I went to) I made fun of the pain control patients.. called them druggies & laughed at their funny ways to get more scrips. Now I'm one of them... My MRI showed terrible cervical damage (also due to several connective tissue disorders I have) & migraines. I started w/ epidurals & radiofrenquency injections to burn the nerves. It helped a bit but by then I loved the percs. So every month for almost 2 years I went back for them. Continued with the injections in-between to help pain but kept up w/ the pills. Then my doc introduced me to morphine & then dilaudid. It started in the hospital when I was injected w/ dilaudid. it was love-at-first-inject. WOW! My body, my eyes opened up like never before. I almost get high just thinking about it. The warm fuzzy beautiful feeling. More wonderful then love. Better then any love anyone ever gave to me... That was the problem. I never saw that anyone loved me. My husband or sister or family, friends... It took me down that road b/c I felt alone. & I wanted that warm loved feeling...
    I think most of us are in that situation b/c of lack of love,,lack of feeling love, lack of knowing we're loved etc...all of the above. That was my problem. If my husband screamed at me. Or my mom made a comment about my weight & lack of talent or I thought about how she abused me... I used. It goes sooo deep w/ us. That's why I realize I need help. Real help & ppl that care. I appreciate this forum so much. You all have been so good to me... Thank you.
    SO now... I'm on subs & going forward, next is NA.

    Right now,, I'm struggling hard. I messed up. Because of my migraine & weakness I took 2 dilaudid. now I have to wait to go back on the subs. I screwed up. I'm very sad...

  7. #7
    ChiefChe is offline Member
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    Autumn hope ❤️

    Thank you so much for stopping by. No apologies for my messy house b/c I'm ok with it now.

    I've lived your story. The warm fuzzy feeling- oh how I miss that's. I used to call the perky pinks. Don't even start me on the dilaudid! Your last post almost had my mouth watering. The walk down memory lane was short thou b/c of the rush of hurt caused by those pills throws me into anxiety. I have felt every last emotion you described. I was a shell of my former self & my formal self was just plan sad.

    You know that love you describe? Same sister same. I've been lied to cheated on abused & misused. Just to give you an idea of how inhuman I thought I was all of this abuse is from 1 man- the alcoholic man I married 20 some odd years ago. I always portrayed the survivor but deep down inside I was still the victim. I was a fraud.
    It was no wonder way I gave up. I like you feared life without the pills. The energy is what I seeked just as much as the emotional numbing of the self hatred I had. I thought the same as you are thinking how can i have the strength to overcome this mister? I have never had the strength to do anything on my own- NEVER! It was then I decided that I, this chic right here- the bada** fraud, had something to prove to myself. If I intended to become the strong woman I preached about & strived to be then I had to do this- FOR ME!!!

    Let me tell you sister (lol feels like we're on a smoke break at work) stay the corse & see for yourself. This sh!t is where it's at if you're struggling with yourself. That love you mentioned you are yearning for? It's right the standing in front of you (if your looking in the mirror of course). It's like the ruby slippers! The love your missing is for YOU!! Really think about that. It only took me 40 some odd years to figure it out. Why have I neglected & fought against myself for so long. Why did I listen when those pills told me I couldn't b/c I was not strong enough. I had literally beat myself down & fought tooth & nail against. I realized that I really am a survivor. I have survived a lot of sh!t & I'm still here & do are YOU!!!

    I see you out there posting away. Your light (soul) is shining bright. Keep taking the leap of faith & see what is out there waiting on you. Once the metal jacket lifts & your eyes can see clearly take a look around. Take a nice deep breath of new life. I promise you that everything you are feeling now will change. Dig deep & get strict with yourself. You keep the course for today & just let tomorrow figure it's self out.

    I go on smoke breaks often so I'm here if you need ear or virtual hug (Cat's thread 2/2010).

    As Iron Sharpens Iron,

    ~CC
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  8. #8
    Anonymous Guest

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    Good Morning,
    The posts by you and CC are so intense I had to stop myself from bawling, only cause I have somewhere to go today and dont want puffy eyes lol. It's really interesting how we all have reasons for numbing our body and soul. I, like you ladies have had no dad since 3, been cheated on, been beat, been rejected by mother and sisters and still am. I do have a loving husband and kids now but the former is still there. The pain is not going away and the urge is strong. That being said...Autumn you can do this. Just keep the faith and try to be strong. Do you have help???? I sure wish I had. I am going to seek therapy. I'm ready now. I've realized getting off the opiates was the easy part (somewhat). Dealing with life after opiates is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I think you said you were on sub 1.25. That may not be enough if you're still craving. Or do you need this meds for pain. There's always that fine line. By reading your story I think you do have underlying sadness. AA or NA or therapy cause it won't go away without SUPPORT. I can tell you that first hand. Today is 31 days opiate free for me and I still need help but I've been stubborn. Don't give up. Keep fighting. You can do this. Have a good day.
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  9. #9
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChiefChe View Post
    Autumn hope ❤️

    Thank you so much for stopping by. No apologies for my messy house b/c I'm ok with it now.

    I've lived your story. The warm fuzzy feeling- oh how I miss that's. I used to call the perky pinks. Don't even start me on the dilaudid! Your last post almost had my mouth watering. The walk down memory lane was short thou b/c of the rush of hurt caused by those pills throws me into anxiety. I have felt every last emotion you described. I was a shell of my former self & my formal self was just plan sad.

    You know that love you describe? Same sister same. I've been lied to cheated on abused & misused. Just to give you an idea of how inhuman I thought I was all of this abuse is from 1 man- the alcoholic man I married 20 some odd years ago. I always portrayed the survivor but deep down inside I was still the victim. I was a fraud.
    It was no wonder way I gave up. I like you feared life without the pills. The energy is what I seeked just as much as the emotional numbing of the self hatred I had. I thought the same as you are thinking how can i have the strength to overcome this mister? I have never had the strength to do anything on my own- NEVER! It was then I decided that I, this chic right here- the bada** fraud, had something to prove to myself. If I intended to become the strong woman I preached about & strived to be then I had to do this- FOR ME!!!

    Let me tell you sister (lol feels like we're on a smoke break at work) stay the corse & see for yourself. This sh!t is where it's at if you're struggling with yourself. That love you mentioned you are yearning for? It's right the standing in front of you (if your looking in the mirror of course). It's like the ruby slippers! The love your missing is for YOU!! Really think about that. It only took me 40 some odd years to figure it out. Why have I neglected & fought against myself for so long. Why did I listen when those pills told me I couldn't b/c I was not strong enough. I had literally beat myself down & fought tooth & nail against. I realized that I really am a survivor. I have survived a lot of sh!t & I'm still here & do are YOU!!!

    I see you out there posting away. Your light (soul) is shining bright. Keep taking the leap of faith & see what is out there waiting on you. Once the metal jacket lifts & your eyes can see clearly take a look around. Take a nice deep breath of new life. I promise you that everything you are feeling now will change. Dig deep & get strict with yourself. You keep the course for today & just let tomorrow figure it's self out.

    I go on smoke breaks often so I'm here if you need ear or virtual hug (Cat's thread 2/2010).

    As Iron Sharpens Iron,

    ~CC
    Hi CC
    Thank u so much for your post! I really need the encouragement... I'm having some hard times but I'm happy I have this forum of good ppl like u to turn to. It helps. Thank u.
    How r u doing in your recovery?

  10. #10
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Need Support View Post
    Good Morning,
    The posts by you and CC are so intense I had to stop myself from bawling, only cause I have somewhere to go today and dont want puffy eyes lol. It's really interesting how we all have reasons for numbing our body and soul. I, like you ladies have had no dad since 3, been cheated on, been beat, been rejected by mother and sisters and still am. I do have a loving husband and kids now but the former is still there. The pain is not going away and the urge is strong. That being said...Autumn you can do this. Just keep the faith and try to be strong. Do you have help???? I sure wish I had. I am going to seek therapy. I'm ready now. I've realized getting off the opiates was the easy part (somewhat). Dealing with life after opiates is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I think you said you were on sub 1.25. That may not be enough if you're still craving. Or do you need this meds for pain. There's always that fine line. By reading your story I think you do have underlying sadness. AA or NA or therapy cause it won't go away without SUPPORT. I can tell you that first hand. Today is 31 days opiate free for me and I still need help but I've been stubborn. Don't give up. Keep fighting. You can do this. Have a good day.
    Hi Support,
    Very well said. I think we understand each other very well. Sounds like our past is similar & many that abuse painkillers I find have abusive pasts & we're trying to escape. Any way we can. But I'm seeing a therapist & want to start NA soon. I need a sponsor I can turn to during temptation moments. I was on a sm amount of subs b/c I only have a few 2 mg pills left & then I'm on my own.
    Yes I deal w. Terrible migraines & cervical pain and connective tissue disorders which make it difficult to not have any painkillers... but I'm trying to get used to using different kinds of painkillers like aspirin or ibuprofen or Aleve a lot of times I found the over the counter meds work pretty good. It's quite a journey but I'm just glad I don't feel alone that I found this website and I can go on this journey with many other good people... all of us together taking one step at a time!!
    Hang in there Support!

  11. #11
    zebra1961 is offline Member
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    Autumnhopes, the way you feel is normal for all of us. We all think the drugs make us function better , I did too. As time passes these feelings of the drugs making everything okay will pass and as you look back you will see you without drugs is the real you!! This life is wayyyyyyyy better!!!!!!!! They do numb us to everything but as time passed I felt no love for anyone or anything, a dog could get run over and killed right in front of me and I did not care ( no dog killed just using as example being the dog lover I am ) I missed having emotions and true feelings and relationships. So be patient quitting subs takes time to heal brain and readjust to normal . I quit over 1 year ago, I do not want to try to give you a time before you quit missing the drugs it took me about 30 days . SO know this you will heal and these feelings will pass it takes time, just always remember life on this side is millions of times and ways better. hang tough better days ahead I PROMISE!!!
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  12. #12
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    Hi Zebra
    Thanks for your thoughts! I've been off of the Percocet since last Sept. that's the worst one for me. Back & forth with that one. Last time I took it again thinking "I can dose once in a while... " yea right, I took one dose & the next day or day after started going though w/d's... I was dependent after 1 dose!! My body loves oxycodone so much. That one really made me alive. I know ppl say they felt numb to emotions
    I feel more alive to emotions!! More happy more compassion more sadness more everything!
    But it's fake... I keep telling my self that. Now the dilaudid doesn't quite give me the same feelings but it helps my migraines when all else fails. But I will keep researching for help for migraines!!
    Thanks for the support & encouragement

  13. #13
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    Default My second day 1 today

    SO.....I realize I have 2 threads; SMH (my other thread is under suboxone treatment)
    To honestly express myself, I slipped & messed up big time. I'm hating on myself right now I took a dose of dilaudid for my migraine & it helped it immediately. BUT... to be honest I have been craving the dilaudid something fierce!! It was so amazing taking it & I wanted more. Several doses & a couple days later, here I am. So disappointed in myself.
    I need to make this change! So I'm picking myself up, brushing myself off, taking a deep breath & starting with Day 1. I have some suboxone left & my doc prescribed 300 mg gabapentin for me. (which I heard helps w/ w/d & detox)
    Any thoughts or suggestions??

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    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Autumnhopes View Post
    SO.....I realize I have 2 threads; SMH (my other thread is under suboxone treatment)
    To honestly express myself, I slipped & messed up big time. I'm hating on myself right now I took a dose of dilaudid for my migraine & it helped it immediately. BUT... to be honest I have been craving the dilaudid something fierce!! It was so amazing taking it & I wanted more. Several doses & a couple days later, here I am. So disappointed in myself.
    I need to make this change! So I'm picking myself up, brushing myself off, taking a deep breath & starting with Day 1. I have some suboxone left & my doc prescribed 300 mg gabapentin for me. (which I heard helps w/ w/d & detox)
    Any thoughts or suggestions??


    I just posted to your other thread. It's best to just keep 1 thread going because it gets confusing if more than 1 is going. All your info is in one place and that really helps. Just a head's up. If you don;t post on this threa it will disappear to the archives.
    Randy

  15. #15
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    Default Please see my other thread under suboxone treatment

    I"m closing this thread & posting under my thread: "day 4 on subs, please help.." under suboxone treatment. Thank you to everyone for all your help!! :d

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