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Husband of 22 years is an addict, not sure what to do next
  1. #1
    at-an-impasse is offline Banned
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    Unhappy Husband of 22 years is an addict, not sure what to do next

    My husband and I met when I was 15. We dated until I graduated high school and split up for a few years. We got back together when I was 22, and got married when I was 25. We have 4 kids, aged 22, 20, 16 and 17. For many years my husband always held a job and supported his family. He has his faults, but so do I.

    4 years ago I discovered that he was addicted to the pain killers he had been prescribed for two bulging discs in his back.

    Before I continue with my story, it's important to note that even though my husband has these bulging discs and an MRI to prove it, he has told me point blank that he no longer needs the pills for pain. He said that he enjoys the buzz and euphoric feeling he gets from them, and THAT'S why he chases it constantly (that and avoiding those horrible withdrawals of course).

    As with most stories similar to mine, I didn't know he was addicted until it got so bad that we almost lost our house. He had been withdrawing money from our bank account and had excuses why he was taking it, but never produced receipts. There were always excuses as to why he didn't have those either. The breaking point for me was when I deposited $1,000 in the bank but it wasn't quite enough for the mortgage. I needed some more that I was expecting the next day. I told him not to touch the money (at this point I didn't know what was happening yet, that he was addicted) so I could make the mortgage payment which was already two months behind. He told me he wouldn't, pulled out of the driveway and hit the ATM for $500, which was our ATM daily limit. Otherwise, I'm sure he would have taken it all. I knew this because I weas already suspicious of him and checked online banking five minutes after he left. We only had one car at the time, so I WALKED into town, withdrew the remaining $500 and opened my own account.

    What followed for the next two years was a lot of lying, pawning, selling, stripping wires from old phone chargers, selling the metal awnings on my house (!!!). He lost his job (which was unheard of with him for all the years I had known him) and remained unemployed for over two years. He even tricked me out of the title for my van and sold THAT for drugs too. He lied about jobs he supposedly had, etc, etc, etc. It all came tumbling down and he said he was happy I had found out because he needed my help. He played off my emotions and I felt like we were closer than we had been in years. I believed him when he said he wanted me to distribute his pain pills to him and that he was only taking the ones I gave him.

    The truth was that he had multiple doctors he was going to, giving him multiple prescriptions, each one going to a different pharmacy. He had it all sorted out on the calendar on his phone. He also bought pills on the street and sold or traded ones he was prescribed. It got to the point where he was swallowing so many pills per day that he couldn't pawn or sell things fast enough to keep up with it. So he started crushing them and snorting them instead. He found out that he could get the same effect from snorting 1 pill than he could from swallowing 5 or 6. Eventually he was snorting 30+ PER DAY.

    As you might imagine things deteriorated between the two of us. Our kids were eventually aware of what was happening, but I tried to shelter them from all the emotional turmoil that goes along with it. After he sold my van that was the last straw. I did some sleuthing and found out that he had been fired from the job that he was supposedly going to everyday (he was really running around scoring drugs), he didn't junk my van after the "transmission went out", but really he sold it to a local used car lot. I kept unravelling lie after lie after lie.

    Not only that, but all that snorting was destroying the inside of his nose. He was constantly sniffling and blowing massive amounts of >>>> out of his nose. One of the side effects was trouble sleeping. He would sit on the couch indian style and fall asleep sitting there, his head hanging between his knees. He would drop his cigarettes constantly and created multiple burn holes in our ottoman and carpet.

    One night my daughter came into my room and woke me up. She said her dad was doing strange things and had woken her up to tell her it was time to leave. I spent the entire night babysitting him as he hallucinated. He was so distressed about not being able to sleep, he scored some Xanax from some dealer of his. He remembered taking 6 of them, but in reality he took 13. He was blabbering all sorts of things, talking about how it was time to go and the kids were in the car, and "where is she" and "why isn't she here yet with my pills", etc. He kept blowing his nose into his hands and even tried to blow his nose into his cell phone :-( It was an awful night. He finally fell asleep around 5:30 am and slept until 7:30 that night. I checked on him every hour or so to make sure he wasn't drowning to death in his own snot. I found out from him later that the snorting ITSELF was in a way addicting, because the snorting relieves the burning in the nose that is a result of all the snorting! It also temporarily stopped the running nose, another result of the damaging snorting. Luckily that one night actually cured him of snorting pills. Didn't stop him from taking them all together, just stopped the snorting.

    The kicker? My 22 year old son (he was 20 at the time) was right there beside him. My oldest son was always a difficult child, always getting into trouble no matter how much I tried to be a good parent. He just was what he was. I was devastated to find out that they were doing this together. My other three kids were disgusted with their oldest brother and my family was suffering horribly. I had been watching my husband's phone calls and text activity through our cell phone carrier's online system and could see what numbers he was calling and texting. Weird thing was that the texting and calling would stop at around 10pm and wouldn't start again until around 7am. Yet I knew he was sneaking out in the middle of the night to score pills because on several occasions I would wake up and the car and my husband and son would be gone. Turned out he had gone to Walmart and bought one of those pay as you go type phones because he knew I was watching his call activity. So to hide it, he used THAT phone for all his drug activity and his regular phone for everything else.

    So I kicked them both out. I confiscated both of their cell phones while he was sleeping and made them both leave. He still had the go-phone. They both left on foot. I started receiving text messages on his phone because his druggy friends didn't know I had it. So I had lots of evidence. The day progressed and I kept refusing to let him come home. At around 4:30 in the afternoon he texted me and said they were both cold and tired of being outside so they were coming home. Then all texting activity stopped. A couple hours later my oldest son called me from my husband's go-phone to tell me that my husband had been arrested. When he was texting me, they were with one of my son's friends and on their way back from another town where they scored more drugs. They were pulled over and my husband was arrested for possession etc.

    He spent the night in jail and I was ready to write him off. I picked him up and he swore on his life he was scared to death of prison and wanted no part of the drugs anymore. Sad part was he was already on Suboxone all this time, which was one of the ways I tried to help him. I'm self employed and he was unemployed, so no insurance, the medication was costing us $600+ per month plus $200 per month in doctor appointments. And he was using still on top of the meds!

    So he came home, we spent $3500 on a lawyer, I spent almost two years on a repayment plan with my mortgage company and spent that same two years getting all of our bills caught back up again. He seemed to clean up for about a year. He went back to work and things seemed to be on the road to recovery. His lawyer was able to get him one year probation and no jail time, conditions of his parole are complete sobriety.

    Then his brother appeared out of nowhere. He and his brother had always been close but had a falling out several years ago over a bad business deal. They hadn't spoken in several years. His brother and him started palling around a lot and I was happy for him, happy that they were able to reconcile. Turns out, he and his brother were using together. So basically things started up again and it got out of control again. From the beginning of September to the end of November, before he confessed to what was going on lately, he was able to manipulate a total of $5600 out of me, plus another $1300 during this month. I finally cut him completely off and he has sworn to me that he's stopped, gotten back on his Suboxone and is going back to work (yes he's unemployed again).

    What he doesn't know or realize is that I am wiser now. It's not so much of an emotional roller coaster anymore because I know the signs now, I am able to recognize things I couldn't before. I'm watching his phone again and he doesn't know that I am because I'm not telling him like I was before. I can see that he's calling pawn shops and drug connections. He has taken things from the house and disappeared. My oldest son seems to be at it again too.

    I've opened a new bank account at a different bank that he isn't aware of, because during his clean year he convinced me to add him on to the other one I had opened! GAH! I have changed all pin numbers and have refused to give him any money. I make good money yet here I am back to trying to dig out of yet another hole he has dug for us. My oldest son makes decent money at his job, yet he's still sleeping on my couch instead of having his own apartment because he's always broke.

    I can't stage an intervention because that would land him in prison. I personally think prison is the only thing that's going to cure this - but do I want to be the one to put him there? And how would that affect my kids? How would they look at ME if I was the one to put him there?

    He says he's going to work. We will see. I'm truly at an impasse right now. I know I can't enable him anymore. the most heartbreaking part about all of this is that it only started 4 years ago. We've been together a long time and I feel like I shouldn't give up on him. But GOD it's so damned hard and I just don't know if I can go through it all over again. I'm going to give him this chance to make it work, but I can't give him any money. I think he might even be selling his Suboxone. Problem is you just never know what they are up to.

    When does someone who is married to an addict know when it's okay to give up? When do I say that I can't help you anymore until you help yourself?

    Thank you for letting me vent all of this. I have a friend I talk to but she will never fully understand what I am going through. That's why I am here.

  2. #2
    at-an-impasse is offline Banned
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    I forgot to mention that for these past 4 years I have been the sole financial support for this family. Even though he's had some jobs in the last couple of years I haven't had any money come in from him. Granted his deductions for health insurance and a debt we owe to the state did devour a big chunk, there was still plenty of money left over. He created more debt with tool companies replenishing all the tools he sold, and now almost all of those tools are gone as well and a massive amount of debt was left in the wake. I don't know for sure how much tool debt is out there, but I would guess it's more than $25,000. To top everything off, we live in a community property state, which means no matter which person in the marriage creates the debt, BOTH people are equally responsible. It also means that he has rights to half of the money I make. So divorce is a bit complicated here, and not really what I want unless it's the absolute last resort. And yes I know this because I consulted with a divorce attorney just yesterday. And while I was typing my big long message above, he left. I checked his phone and sure enough he was talking with one of his dealers.

  3. #3
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello and welcome! Addiction is a HORRIBLE disease. I'm an addict about 18 years now, but FINALLY in recovery. Been completey clean for going on 6 months soon. I was your husband over and again. I wasn't married, no kids, but did have a live in girlfriend that was the best part of me. I put that girl through hell and back. I know EXACTLY what you're dealing with here, but must say you're in tune to what he's up to. It won't stop until HE himself wants to stop. The lure of the drugs is so strong nothing matters to him except where and how will he get his next batch of pills. He would rather have those pills that you or the kids I'm afraid to say. I was the same.

    Naranon or Alanon is a important suggestion for you to get into. You need some face to face support of others in the same place you are. YOu will get comfort and advice of how best to let him reach his rock bottom while not enabling him any further.

    If you issue ANY kind of threats you MUST follow through. Telling him you're leaving for example and not doing so immediately only provides him with a roof and money if he can get it from you. My GF gave me LOTS of chances to stop, but I didn't believe her, and I didn't want to stop at the time. Finally she DID pack up her things and left, and I lost the house which was in my name alone because I also lost my job and car relying onHER to make all my payments. Talk about cruel!

    Addiction is a progressive disease - it will only get worse than it is already. Only when his using gets so bad that the outcome sends a strong message of all the harm he's caused will he attempt to quit. HE will lose EVERYTHING he has left including any dignity, and take you down with him. It's already begun with the house.

    Check out those meetings - they will honestly help you see his side of things. Theres little you can do unless he truly wants to stop the abuse. Jail or prison is a real possibility. I went to multiple doctors for pain meds, went to ER rooms muliple times claiming pain when I had none to get drugs. He is a MASTER of manipulation, lying, and deceit. He can make you believe nearly anything he wants. All he cares about right now are those drugs. He goes to bed each night wondering HOW he will get what he wants the next day. I tole from friends and family, both money and pills. This disease will make a person do things they NEVER would have done previously.

    I hope he gets the help he needs. You will receive support here- but those meetings give you better support and understanding. Please keep posting and let us know how things progress. I wish you the best. I really know how you feel. Take care. I'll check later here.

    -Randy
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  4. #4
    Efil Pleh is offline Member
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    I am your husband!

    Maybe not detail for detail but in whole the same.

    The one thing I know is that he must be the one to make the decision and commitment to quit. There are more dynamics in this disaster than I have experience in so I can only provide what I know to be the most affective, how all of you get there is probably left up to a professional.

    If I were you I would seek professional assistance to address this pain pill controlled mess. I would prepare and plan for myself to stay afloat along with the children who are not addicts. The husband and child who are addicts may get help through you getting help. That is really messed up, the person who is holding things together and normal is the one being advised to seek assistance, but in reality their addiction has put you into abnormity and is ruining your life not to mention the other children.

    When the plane is going down you must first put on your oxygen mask before you can help others and for that matter the professional fight attendants are the ones who taught you how to use the mask.

    I’m sure more replies are forth coming and many of these people are very smart. I will pray for all of you (you and your family) and hope for the best possible outcome.

    Sincerely,
    E.
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  5. #5
    Nashguy is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randy35 View Post
    If you issue ANY kind of threats you MUST follow through. Telling him you're leaving for example and not doing so immediately only provides him with a roof and money if he can get it from you. My GF gave me LOTS of chances to stop, but I didn't believe her, and I didn't want to stop at the time. Finally she DID pack up her things and left, and I lost the house which was in my name alone because I also lost my job and car relying onHER to make all my payments. Talk about cruel!
    -Randy
    Is she totally out of your life? Did she ever keep in touch later?

  6. #6
    at-an-impasse is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randy35 View Post
    Addiction is a progressive disease - it will only get worse than it is already. Only when his using gets so bad that the outcome sends a strong message of all the harm he's caused will he attempt to quit. HE will lose EVERYTHING he has left including any dignity, and take you down with him. It's already begun with the house.
    Hi Randy, and thank you so much for your reply. It's always good to hear the perspective from the other side as well, and to hear you say that the pills are more important than me (I already knew that) AND the kids... well that's definitely hard to hear. Yesterday and the day before he dismantled a big toolbox he had in the garage that he promised to our son who is a senior in high school. My son is going to college in the fall and is already working at a car dealership and was devastated and very angry when he came home and saw it gone. But there's your proof in the pudding backing up your statement. Sadly, if confronted my husband would say what he always says, that it's only temporary and he needed the money for this or that and it's only on loan, he'll get it back.

    It's all B.S. 3 months ago my brand new snow blower disappeared out of the garage. I paid over $900 for that last winter and now it's gone. He claims we can get it back, but it will cost $400! Why the hell would I go and pay $400 to get it back... so he can pawn it again? UGH

    Thanks for the suggestion on the meetings. I've looked them up and the closest one is 45 minutes away, so I'll keep looking for a closer one. The support here so far is WAY more than I've had anywhere else and there are only a few replies so far! Thank you for that

  7. #7
    at-an-impasse is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Efil Pleh View Post
    When the plane is going down you must first put on your oxygen mask before you can help others and for that matter the professional fight attendants are the ones who taught you how to use the mask.
    Thank you Efil - I appreciate that comparison! Having gone through this once before, then having him be clean for a year (I thought it was all over) and now this awful relapse has taught me a thing or two. I can read the signs more clearly, I can protect myself and my family better because I'm more educated about this problem, and hopefully I can get the kids to understand that they must trust me on this. They are currently experiencing what I experienced the first time... they are much more willing to believe his lies than I am. I went through such horrific heartbreak, I can't tell you how much I cried... no... SOBBED everyday. It was so awful and felt like my life was falling apart around me.

    I was able to get the mortgage back on track. But in the last few months he's messed up the bills again. The mortgage is okay so far, but I'm still trying to catch up my car payment, and his car? It's out for repo. Sad thing is, if I don't try and save his car (which I don't think I can at this point) he'll think he's just going to drive mine everywhere. It's awful because that will cause huge problems.

    I plan to try and get the kids together and have a family meeting, problem is my oldest son or my husband always seem to be around when the other kids are. So it's proving difficult.

  8. #8
    at-an-impasse is offline Banned
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    I have another question. Right now he thinks I'm suspicious but still believing him. He doesn't know that i am watching his phone logs and have figured out what he's up to. Thing is I know he will run out of B.S. soon and will come to me for money with another lie.

    So do I tell him that I know what he's up to and that I won't be giving him any money? Do I just tell him that I've decided to protect myself and the kids and that he needs to decide when this is going to stop?

    But see, as I typed that I kept coming up with the possible scenarios, the answers that he would give me. He would tell me that he's not lying and that he's trying to get a job, and I "need" the money to pay for a physical in order to get the job. Do I then insist on going with him and paying for the physical myself?

    I almost feel like it would just be better to say I don't have any money. Then he can't try and talk me out of it. I've taken to hiding everything and have PURPOSELY left the pantry empty so that he thinks I do't have any money. We just ran out of coffee, so when I go get it, I will get the small container instead of the large one I usually get, in order to make him think I'm pinching pennies - this is so sad

    It's so frustrating because I want to believe him. I want to believe that he's telling the truth. But I know he's not.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 12-10-2014 at 02:08 PM.

  9. #9
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by at-an-impasse View Post
    It's all B.S. 3 months ago my brand new snow blower disappeared out of the garage. I paid over $900 for that last winter and now it's gone. He claims we can get it back, but it will cost $400! Why the hell would I go and pay $400 to get it back... so he can pawn it again? UGH

    He is hoping to convince you to give him the $400 so he can go and get it back only to use that money to buy more drugs! FACT!! Lies, lies, and more lies. He can make you believe almost ANYTHING he wants. He could tell you he had a job interview at NASA and make you believe it!!! Manipulation at it's best. And then more lies!!! He will make you believe you've lost your mind. FACT!!! It's crazy!!!!

    I still can't believe some of the stupid stuff I did and said. No wonder no one would have anything to do with me! I can see it all now so clear, but under the spell of those drugs NOTHING else matters except them!!!

    Take care
    -Randy
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  10. #10
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nashguy View Post
    Is she totally out of your life? Did she ever keep in touch later?
    Yes, she is. I posted on your thread.
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  11. #11
    at-an-impasse is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randy35 View Post
    He is hoping to convince you to give him the $400 so he can go and get it back only to use that money to buy more drugs! FACT!! Lies, lies, and more lies. He can make you believe almost ANYTHING he wants. He could tell you he had a job interview at NASA and make you believe it!!! Manipulation at it's best. And then more lies!!! He will make you believe you've lost your mind. FACT!!! It's crazy!!!!
    God that is so true! He said he was at an interview this morning and that he's supposed to go back to take their driving test tomorrow, which is why I'm expecting him to ask me for money for a physical. think it's better that I just stick to the "I'm broke" story.
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  12. #12
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by at-an-impasse View Post
    God that is so true! He said he was at an interview this morning and that he's supposed to go back to take their driving test tomorrow, which is why I'm expecting him to ask me for money for a physical. think it's better that I just stick to the "I'm broke" story.
    I'm really shocked when you put that $1000 in the bank for the mortgage he ONLY took $500 at the ATM. I'm actually surprised he didn;t immediately go inside the bank claiming some kind of home emergency and request the additional $500 because that's what I would have done!!!

    Theres no end to the things he will come up with to get cash in his hands. Most dealers or friends that sell him pills will only take cold hard cash. No loans, no checks usually. That's why he sold the tool chest, and will sell everything you own for his own greedy needs. It's strange because I know EXACTLY what he's thnking all the time and it disgusts me. But at the time I could care less what you or anyone els ethought about it!!!

    Sorry.

    Put your money in a separate account in YOUR name only. Tell the bank if he asks for money in any way, shape, or form to turn him down. I tricked my GF into putting my name on her accounts. I took nearly all her ready cash!! Yukkkkkk!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 12-10-2014 at 02:23 PM.

  13. #13
    at-an-impasse is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randy35 View Post
    I'm really shocked when you put that $1000 in the bank for the mortgage he ONLY took $500 at the ATM. I'm actually surprised he didn;t immediately go inside the bank claiming some kind of home emergency and request the additional $500 because that's what I would have done!!!


    Put your money in a separate account in YOUR name only. Tell the bank if he asks for money in any way, shape, or form to turn him down. I tricked my GF into putting my name on her accounts. I took nearly all her ready cash!! Yukkkkkk!
    That was before he knew he COULD do that. My husband has always been very hand off when it comes to running the household. I have always handled everything from setting up the utilities in a new house to filling out paperwork at the schools, and yes, handling all the finances. He basically just had a debit card and did not know he could walk into the bank and withdraw the money. HOWEVER now he DOES know how to do that and HAS done it several times in the last few months.

    I HAVE opened another separate account. In fact I just did that two days ago. The account that I just abandoned was also one I opened in my own name. He managed to talk me into adding him back on to it. That won't happen again!

    The saddest part about this I can't even stage an intervention, because if I do then it will come out that he has been using and that's a direct violation of his parole. He will end up in prison. If that's going to happen, so be it, but I really don't want it to be at my hand.

  14. #14
    at-an-impasse is offline Banned
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    Oh boy. Today is going to get hard. His car was repo'd last night and he claims he was supposed to go back down to his "new job" today. That means he's going to want to take my car. I have both keys in my jean pockets. This sucks. Holding on to his car was our last hope of him actually starting this new job.

    I think my oldest son got fired too. All the signs are there, yet they are still playing it off like he hasn't. Please send good vibes my way today. I don't know what the day holds.

  15. #15
    at-an-impasse is offline Banned
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    I received an email notification that someone named "Iluv2smile" replied here - and maybe it's my cache, but I don't see the reply. I did read it in email though and wanted to say thank you for your kind words! I have a knot in my stomach today. Trying to figure out reasons to get out of the house and be gone most of the day. I have appointments this afternoon, and will say I have to go to the store if I have to. I just can't be here with him today.
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  16. #16
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by at-an-impasse View Post
    I received an email notification that someone named "Iluv2smile" replied here - and maybe it's my cache, but I don't see the reply. I did read it in email though and wanted to say thank you for your kind words! I have a knot in my stomach today. Trying to figure out reasons to get out of the house and be gone most of the day. I have appointments this afternoon, and will say I have to go to the store if I have to. I just can't be here with him today.
    Posts have been known to disappear here for whatever reason. Swearing will get a post deleted, or other rule violations. Sometimes they just don't stay up sometimes. Not really sure what happened to the post (I know her - she's awesome!) but glad you were able to read it. I'm sure she'll respond again when she gets time.

    Sorry for trouble again today. Par for the course huh? He's always up to something because those drugs are ALWAYS calling him. Let us know how it's going. Take care of YOU! Got another work meeting and I'll check back later.

    -Randy
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    Nashguy is offline New Member
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    I'm glad your posting your story. It is helping me deal with my story. I'm totally baffaled by how the addiction can be most important and how it pushes loved ones out of their life. It hurts to be the pushed. Be strong. The pain was real great for me last night and I'm sick in thought of whats going on. I made it through the night and today is a new day. I hope and pray the best for us both.
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    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    How dramatic ..
    That is so sad..
    I am hoping tomorrow will bring good news..
    I don't know what I would do.
    It is easy to say do this do that.
    But in actuality I really don't know what I would do..
    My heart goes out to you..
    Payers and hugs
    Iluv2

  19. #19
    at-an-impasse is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iluv2smile View Post
    How dramatic ..
    That is so sad..
    I am hoping tomorrow will bring good news..
    I don't know what I would do.
    It is easy to say do this do that.
    But in actuality I really don't know what I would do..
    My heart goes out to you..
    Payers and hugs
    Iluv2
    Thank you. I'm frustrated by the disappearing posts. The one that you are replying to here has disappeared as well. The long one I typed last night. :-( I've written to the admin to see if for some reason they were either deleted or placed in the moderation queue.

  20. #20
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by at-an-impasse View Post
    Thank you. I'm frustrated by the disappearing posts. The one that you are replying to here has disappeared as well. The long one I typed last night. :-( I've written to the admin to see if for some reason they were either deleted or placed in the moderation queue.
    Let it go. I've considered leaving because of it and still may do it. I hate the fact someone pours their heart out, and it may be the very first post ever taking enourmous amounts of courage to even write their story or question down only to have it disappear. Happened to me too. But let it go and say no more is my suggestion.

    Anyway hope you're maintaining as best you can. Don't know what else to suggest. You have to make some decisions that's best for YOU and the rest of your family. Guess you have to ask yourself if you would be better with him or without him and go from there. Maybe speak to a counselor, therapist, minister, best friend, etc. Naranon or Alanon can and will help plenty as said before.

    -Randy
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  21. #21
    at-an-impasse is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randy35 View Post
    Let it go. I've considered leaving because of it and still may do it. I hate the fact someone pours their heart out, and it may be the very first post ever taking enourmous amounts of courage to even write their story or question down only to have it disappear. Happened to me too. But let it go and say no more is my suggestion.
    I actually wonder if it could be because of what happened after I typed and posted it. I left the screen up with my reply, therefore the "edit" button was visible. I know that most forums have a time limit on how long you have to edit your post before that button disappears. But because I didn't refresh the page and quite a bit of time had passed, the button was still there. I noticed a typo, so I clicked the edit button and made the change then clicked "save". I was given a message that changes after 30 minutes (or whatever the time frame was) would have to be approved by an admin. So it's quite possible the entire post was sent to a moderation queue.

    Who knows.

    Anyway, i don't remember if I had posted here that I came home yesterday afternoon and our 63-inch LED flat screen tv was GONE. Me and the kids were devastated. This happened after his car was repo'd yesterday morning and I left so he couldn't take my car anywhere. I refused to answer any of his texts or phone calls (except for one when he said he didn't know if I was alive or dead, so I told him I was alive) all day. The last text he sent me was to say that he was leaving because that's what I wanted. *yawn* I've heard all this before.

    The kids and I had met late in the afternoon and decided to sit him down and do our own little intervention, but without the rehab since that would land him in jail. We agreed that we needed to let him know that we loved him but that his actions were unacceptable and that we would give him one chance to make things right. We also were going to tell him that we were all prepared to be visiting him in prison, because we know that's where he's going to eventually end up. But none of us really wants to be the one to put him there. At least not yet.

    That's when we found out the TV was gone. He texted later last night saying he really needed to talk to us all and that he needed help. I told him to come at 8:30pm. He said he couldn't come until morning because he had supposedly driven down to this new job.

    My 17 year old didn't believe him, but I did. I thought he really had gone down there. I found out this morning that he hadn't, he had gotten halfway and turned around or something, but he was too far away to make it by 8:30.

    Whatever.

    So I told him not to come until tonight at 8:30 when everyone would be home. I tried to get me to let him come earlier, but i said no. He texted me this morning saying that he for sure did get the job and that he wanted me to drive him down there (it's five hours away). I'm not interested in driving all that way and told him I would send him on a bus.

    I don't know. I'm so fed up. Everything that happened this time is all stuff that happened last time. Everything is pretty much the same pattern. I think he sold the TV, got high, then realized what a big mistake that was. Now he has nowhere left to turn and his whole family is against him, so he's begging me to let him come back and apologize to the family.

    This isn't fair. I didn't sign up for this. I just want my life back, but honestly, I'm not entirely sure I want him in it.

    I think that some would consider me unsupportive. After all, we've been married for such a long time, how could I turn my back on him at his greatest time of need? That's my struggle. Because I KNOW that if we get past this, it's not the end. It can happen again and again and again. When do you draw the line and say "it's okay to give up on him"?

    Randy and Efile - you said you were both recovering and clean. Can I ask you what was your rock bottom? What made that light bulb turn on and make you realize that something needed to change?

  22. #22
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by at-an-impasse View Post
    Randy and Efile - you said you were both recovering and clean. Can I ask you what was your rock bottom? What made that light bulb turn on and make you realize that something needed to change?

    Really, he'll won't stop using drugs, and using YOU until the consequences of his actions are greater than the thrill of the pills. ANYTHING you do to HELP him is only enabling him further. Right now he could care less how YOU and the kids are living so long as he has his pills, or whatever he's taking. It could be FAR worse than you believe too. NOT saying it is, but I wouldn't doubt it one bit because I know first hand the things I did and it disgusts me today.

    What made that light bulb turn on in my life? When I lost EVERYTHING to addiction. When I had no access to pills again. No doctor would prescribe them, all pharmicies were on guard about me, hospital ER's knew about me. I had a GREAT job making 6-figure money and single. Had retirement, investments, stocks, bonds, nice house, car, etc, etc, etc. I was doing very well for a guy my age. Had the most wonderful gal a guy could ever ask for. Simply amazing and she was the best part about me. But I loved those drugs more than I did even her at the time. Lost my car, money started disappearing because I was spending THOUSANDS on drugs! Finally lost my job because I was out chasing drugs and not showing up for work. Job loss meant NO money coming in - for me. Savings - GONE!!! But my GF had a great job too and she was paying my bills. Sad really. She had given me MANY chances to straighten up, but I never heard her, and if I did I could care less. You can't imagine just how strong the pull of those drugs are to an addict. Finally she left. My house - GONE - repossessed. EVERYTHING - GONE!!!! That was finally it. And I woke up - FINALLY. Went to NA/AA for support. Suboxone actually saved my life!!! It may help him? My family, mom, dad, brothers and sisters were TIRED of me too - for good reason. I lied to them, stole from them, humiliated the entire family. I was a shell of my former self. I was down to around 130-140 lbs, and I'm 6'3"!!!! I looked like death, and it was close.

    That's MY rock bottom, and what it took for me to get help. Some, if they're lucky, get out before it happens to them. Some. Many experience the same things. It will happen to your hubby most likely, if he doesn't get the help he needs. Show him this post. Print this part and leave it so he will read it. See if you can get him on here and I'll do my best to try and talk to him, convince him that's where he's headed.

    He can't see the love you have for him right now. Your long-term marriage is about to end one way or another I'm afraid IF ge doesn't stop. The kids may choose sides. Maybe. It's hard. I feel so bad for you. Wish I could take him by the neck and make him realize how lucky he has it. How loved he is by his family. My mom, dad, especially STILL don't trust me. Driving me insane. I've got almost 6 months clean. I'll NEVER use another addictive substance in my life God willing. But to those I hurt and disrespected it hardly matters. At least for right now.

    -Randy

  23. #23
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there.at
    I don't know why you were banned..
    I was banned 2 times..
    I hope you are still reading these..
    My bottom was different ..
    I still had my job and nice care an condo in a high rise ..
    I was dead inside on my knees begging for help to change something..
    I didn't know what exactly but I knew the methadone had to go..
    I had gained60 lbs and the only thing I did was work and isolate..
    My world was so small..
    I finally fiquered it out after I got on the suboxone..
    Like Randy sub saved my life.
    It was then that I fiquered out I had to change everything..
    The way I thought the way I felt and basically the way I existed..
    I went into detox for 5 days got stable on suboxone and now I am tapering that and will be done soon..
    I started from the cell of my body and went up from there.
    I started eating good
    Exercising
    Drinking lots of water no alcohol.
    To me it is the same as drugs..
    I found a group of people in AA that I could trust and I liked how they are living their lives.
    Happy , smiling , responsibly..and they just seemed content..
    So here I am 6 months later.
    I have never looked back..
    My bottom this time ( I have had one like Randy's) was an emotional bottom..
    I basically wanted to die..
    But somewhere somehow I developed a glimpse of hope..
    By the grace of God I am still alive..
    He has to be sick and tired of all the BS and plain and simple he has to be sick of being sick..
    Hopefully he will take a look at our stories..
    It always ends the same..
    If he doesn't get help..
    Doesn't matter the situation the outcome is always the..
    Jails, institutions or death..
    Hopefully you will visit him in jail instead of identifying him at the morgue..
    Honestly it is just that strong and powerful..
    Please look in to Alanon or another 12 step group for YOu!
    This is a family disease..
    No matter how unfair it is ..
    It just is..
    But the silver lining in it all I am so grateful today to be an addict in recovery I wouldn't change anything !
    Not even my past..
    It made me a better mom, a better nurse and a better friend..
    Now I have compassion and empathy for everyone going through anything..
    Because in a blink of an eye all of that could happen to me..
    I am like Randy God willing I will never take a substance again..
    But the truth is all we ever have is today. Please take care of yourself today..
    It will start to bring you peace for tomorrow..
    In 12 step support even if it is on line..
    You will have support of others going through the same thing..
    I will check back to see if your ban is off soon..
    Iluv2
    Last edited by Anonymous; 12-14-2014 at 01:19 AM.
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  24. #24
    temporaryloser is offline New Member
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    I'm really curious as to why this woman got banned. She seemed really genuinely in need of advice or at least a "venting hole".

    I don't know enough about the legal system or your husbands legal status but I have to think some sort of inpatient would do him good, even if that inpatient was jail.

    It sounds like he has become the master of manipulating you. I never got as bad as he is but i guaranty we had the same state of mind.

    To me it sounds like he is one of those, "jail or dead" types that has no real bottom. If robbing your son on his way to college isn't your bottom I have no idea what would be.

    Its always so much messier when kids are involved, isn't it?

    If you just need someones permission to give him the boot or even call his PO then I give it to you. You seems like a very together lady and from what I am hearing NoTHING else has worked.

    Whatever consequences you give you have to follow through with and then NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THEM.
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  25. #25
    justbeingme is offline Member
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    Reading this helps to reaffirm I made the right choice to detach from my gf. If she can get help she will be a better mom to our daughter. I have to concentrate on me so I can be a good dad. Don't want more hurt. Have to minimize damage to my daughters future somehow.

  26. #26
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Just being me- you have to also consider the circumstances. What is your gf on? Have to tried to help her? The story at-an-impass describes is about as bad as it can get. But give your gf hope. & the chance, as long as it's not as bad as the story described here. If you really want your daughters future to be solid, she'll need her mommy too. Certainly if the child is in danger, that changes the game, but detaching without giving her a chance may be the worst for your daughter. Of course, without any background on your story this is all speculation. I just say if she hasn't had a chance yet , you never know what she may be able to achieve . Just my 2 cents.

  27. #27
    justbeingme is offline Member
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    Oxy's for five years. Tried giving her daily dose as prescribed. Stole from me to get more. She lost custody of baby right after birth. Detoxed. So more lies and deceit. Went to counselling. She's in drug court. Relapsed somewhere in between. I need to be strong , she needs to do her thing. I will probably get custody in next Six months. Baby is placed with her mom. I felt like I failed and baby and me weren't worth it. Had anger, resentment and just enough. When she is ready I will support her. She needs to gain my trust somehow . Didn't realize how I enabled her.

  28. #28
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I totally understand where your coming from then. My husband was my enabler for years. I managed to get clean only while pregnant with our daughter, but soon as I got a script after csection I started back full force. My daughter is 3 now and I started detox at home 3 days ago. The most painful thing ever - so I just asked out of interest & similarities in our stories. I'm trying to fix this for my daughter and husband so things will get better instead of worse. This is a terrible battle to face but your reading stories of people that have done it and your gf can do it too if her heart is in it. I hope for your daughters sake she makes that choice but you keep being strong yourself. Hang in there just being me .

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