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Husband's addiction - the lying and sneaking around
  1. #1
    HethaBrooke is offline New Member
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    Default Husband's addiction - the lying and sneaking around

    My husband is a >>>>>> addict. I still can't believe those words, but it's true. We have been married 4 1/2 years and have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter. About 10 months ago, my husband came to me and admitted that he had become addicted to OxyContin. I was blown away. He was so good at hiding it. He wanted to get clean on his own, and didn't want rehab at that time or even to tell his parents (or for me to tell them). Bad approach. I wish I would have told EVERYONE. After a week of feeling awful, he said he was feeling better and I told him I was so proud of him for getting off of them (I was very naive about what I was dealing with - I'm not familiar with opiates or heavy drug use). He assured me time and time again that he was clean, even swearing on his daughter's life at one point. HA. Well, maybe he did get off of the pills, but he went right to using >>>>>> (IV). He was using up to 1.5 grams a day I think??? How he was able to hide this from everyone I have no clue. We all felt like idiots when he finally told someone - this time he told his mother, not me. The whole family, mine and his, were SO freaked out. He agreed he needed help and went to detox & inpatient rehab for a week. He went to IOP treatment and AA meetings regularly but never got a sponsor. He hung out with guys from rehab who ALL relapsed. He was clean for two months and I drug tested him a few times a week since I already knew he was so sneaky. I caught him trying to use urine that he had stored prior to using (Oxy's again, he said). I was like, seriously??? So you planned ahead so you wouldn't get caught?? He claimed it was just a 'slip up.' I called his counselor & parents and he went to AA and got some support. I tried to believe what he said about it being just once, but alas, a week later, I caught him right after he had tried to inject - he had tried to crush oxy's and inject them or so he said?? I also found something like a weird looking pill on the floor, and right after he got caught, he just left the lighter on the floor in our closet where our daughter could have easily gotten it. I said get out - that was it - and I made him leave. He had already endangered our daughter too much. I am seeing a lawyer Monday and have been considering filing for divorce because of dealing with the stress of his lies, spending all of the money he makes, and mine too, on drugs, endangering our daughter, and lying to my face, never coming to me for support when I was trying to be there for him. He racked up a bunch of debt right before going to rehab - in the thousands - and I am worried he is going to make us go deeper into debt if I stay financially tied to him in any way. The sad part is he used to be the sweetest person, the best Dad, and we had so much fun together and had been getting along great except for when it came to his addiction. Am I crazy for feeling slightly guilty for wanting to end our marriage or am I crazy to stay married to him?

  2. #2
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    I am not a marriage counselor. However, he will not stay clean until he wants it. He has to want to be clean more than he wants you, his daughter, family, anything in this world. Until that day, when he finally hits his own bottom, he will not be able to stay clean. You need to get educated yourself, Nar-anon is very helpful. It may be just what he needs, to be kicked out. As addicts, we are thieves, liars, deceivers, deflectors, whatever it takes for us to have our drugs, while active in addiction you cannot trust what we say or do. We will make it seem like our addiction is your fault and that you "don't understand" us. However, addiction is a disease, it can be overcome with diligence, effort, but YOU CANNOT MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR HIM. You cannot make him get clean or guilt him into it. Many people have lost everything to addiction, some come through it, thankful for their lives. You must do what is best for you and your daughter. For you, your daughter's life comes first and foremost.
    Post any questions that you have, feelings, whatever and read around the boards: you will see many in your situation.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  3. #3
    HethaBrooke is offline New Member
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    Thank you for your helpful words - I am worried what his bottom is going to be....but I know I've done the best I can in this situation and you're right, my daughter's well-being comes first. I am a much better parent with him out of the house. I can focus on my daughter with less stress now that I'm not trying to prop up my husband and help him and our family stay somewhat functional - the worry and stress was sucking the life out of me. Thanks again :-)

  4. #4
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by HethaBrooke View Post
    Thank you for your helpful words - I am worried what his bottom is going to be....but I know I've done the best I can in this situation and you're right, my daughter's well-being comes first. I am a much better parent with him out of the house. I can focus on my daughter with less stress now that I'm not trying to prop up my husband and help him and our family stay somewhat functional - the worry and stress was sucking the life out of me. Thanks again :-)


    As Rose said, it's not our place to be marriage counselors, nor to decide what's best for you. Only you know if you've had enough, and feel he's gone too far beyond the vow, "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health."

    Your husband IS the same man you married - but he has a monster of a disease that is ruling his life right now. Generally, I think it's best to give a final ultimatum to a partner who is lost in this disease - so that you are not left with any guilt that he wasn't given every chance. Addicts seek out recovery when they feel the full impact of the consequences of their drug use. He's feeling that right now, having left the house. If he is going to get clean, this is the opportunity. You can set your own terms for this ultimatum. You can require him to go into long-term treatment and demonstrate 6 months of recovery before he comes home.

    In the meantime, I hope you can get to some Naranon or Alanon meetings, as this is where you'll be able to work through your own feelings and issues that have arisen from his drug addiction.

    God bless,
    Ruth

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

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