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  1. #61
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Hello Sheryl

    Thanks so much for your support... I really appreciate it... and Bette and all the others that have touch my page and my heart... Its amazing how support can give you a fighting chance..

    This morning I woke up and was very emotional about the whole disease thing, 5:30am I was thinking about how this could have happen to me... I cried.

    No I didn't like the NA meetings at all because I could not think of myself being powerless against my addiction, and thinking of me being in recovery for the rest of my life is not something I can accept in my mind....

    When I quit I had my drug of choice in my mind the damage it has done out ways the use of the drug... I cannot have it... I have to find another way to cope.. The somber attitude of the group made me feel worse....

    What I seen during my worse time, when I reached out for help, if I didn't have money no help? I made it through the worse I will continue to move on regardless of what the norm says... I am a survivor.... I have been all my life and I will continue to be....

    I will not concentrate on I have a incurable disease.

  2. #62
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Pushing on through day 19....

  3. #63
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    One thing I know for sure is I have to do some reevaluations of my life and my choices I have made something in this life is making me very unhappy I know what it is..... How do I get away from it? I am so early in my recovery I don't know if this is the right decision or not don't want to make any major decision until I know my mind is right.... But I have never been alone I have always had a man.... I think i need to spend sometime by myself as one of the people on her said spend sometime in my own skin... I am not happy in my current relationship... He is a wonderful man and has supported me throughout this.... But just because he wonderful does not mean he the man for me...

  4. #64
    Poppy Girl 37 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ladyblue1866 View Post
    He is a wonderful man and has supported me throughout this.... But just because he wonderful does not mean he the man for me...
    Lady, your above quote is so true. I once had to leave a good man for the same reason. However, I think that you are also right when you say you shouldn't make major decisions just yet. As your brain is struggling to rebuild it's natural balance, you may feel like things are worse than they are. You know that recovery has huge ups and downs, perhaps wait until you've been through some more up days and ask yourself how you feel about him on those days. Journaling about your feelings towards him, as well as your emotional symptoms for at least a few weeks, may give you a clearer picture of how the recovery process is impacting your feelings.
    If you do decide that you are better without him, then I definitely encourage you to spend some time alone. I believe that everyone should try living alone some time in their lives. It's a gift to get to know your own self deeply. I only lived alone for about a year and a half, but what I learned about myself was so worth it. I loved living alone and even though my marriage is happy, I still enjoy when he goes out of town and gives me time with my thoughts.
    Keep fighting the good fight Lady! I mean no disrespect to NA, but I don't think you're powerless either. You have 20 days! That took power!

  5. #65
    Ilovemtndogs7 is offline Advanced Member
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    Good Morning LadyBlue-

    A big cheer for your 20 days. I understand your questions about the man in your life and what you are feeling. Even though you haven't asked for advice I'm going to give it. Please don't make any major decisions this early in your recovery. From everything I've read, seen and learned on this forum it's too soon to make major changes in your life (other than leaving drugs behind). One thing I know for sure, is that you can't unsay something. Once you've told your partner things are over and why-even if you change your mind-he can't unhear those things you've said. So please give it time. If he was abusive or...it would be another story. If I'm reading correctly you said he's a good man who has stood by you during this journey. You are also raising a grandchild. A little extra help right now is something you need. If I've overstepped I apologize, just think about it. On meetings, maybe you just need to keep looking. I went to an NA meeting where I felt like I was an alien-that happens. Maybe a PA or AA meeting is better for you. Or no meetings..not pushing just offering my experience. I hope you have a great day at work, and don't overthink this recovery. Just for today. Big Hugs. Miss Dogs/Sheryl. Win The Day

  6. #66
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ilovemtndogs7 View Post
    Good Morning LadyBlue-

    A big cheer for your 20 days. I understand your questions about the man in your life and what you are feeling. Even though you haven't asked for advice I'm going to give it. Please don't make any major decisions this early in your recovery. From everything I've read, seen and learned on this forum it's too soon to make major changes in your life (other than leaving drugs behind). One thing I know for sure, is that you can't unsay something. Once you've told your partner things are over and why-even if you change your mind-he can't unhear those things you've said. So please give it time. If he was abusive or...it would be another story. If I'm reading correctly you said he's a good man who has stood by you during this journey. You are also raising a grandchild. A little extra help right now is something you need. If I've overstepped I apologize, just think about it. On meetings, maybe you just need to keep looking. I went to an NA meeting where I felt like I was an alien-that happens. Maybe a PA or AA meeting is better for you. Or no meetings..not pushing just offering my experience. I hope you have a great day at work, and don't overthink this recovery. Just for today. Big Hugs. Miss Dogs/Sheryl. Win The Day

    No way have you over step your boundary, I think you are dead on it.... I know this was not going to be a walk in the park, but the emotional is my biggest part of this journey... I haven't felt normal in so long I don't know how that feels, so I have been fighting with myself all day to get up get my house clean cook some dinner do the normal things... instead of feeling sorry for myself... I know this is a mind game... My life is such a mess right now, maybe I am pushing him away before he leaves me... I cannot understand why he stays.... I cannot say I would put that much energy into someone that has messed up my life... You know? I know I am working on recovering and I know things will get better.... I feel better daily... But the mess I have made does not go away over night...

    I have put us in debt to the tune of 10,000 dollars, with all my numbing decisions I made... As I wake up and look around I am a little disgusted.... I know this to will pass... But for now I need a reality check because it makes me not want to use, ever again.. I lost everything even the love and respect of my kids.... That's reality.... I wish there was a quick fix a wave of a wand or a do over....lol no such thing...

    I know I can see what I have done and I have a lot of work to undo... There is addiction but there is also a choice to use, I made a choice... So I have to deal with the consequence of my decisions... When I knew better to pick up... That will keep me sober..

    Survival is all I know I have no other choice...

    For today I choose to be clean, I choose too...

  7. #67
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Hey ladyblue! I remember you! Just speed read the thread. Looks like its going rough for you. Don't worry though, i went through the same gawd damn thing. Lol. I failed several times before i finally did it. I'm 99 days clean incredibly. And I'm literally 100% normal and my own old self again. Have absolutely no symptoms. Not even cravings. So keep me in mind, if i did it... so can anyone else. You have to remember... TIME is key.

  8. #68
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Hey my friend Crazyfrog
    I am so proud of you...Yes I caved on day 14 now I am on day 20 today cannot afford to cave again... I am so happy you are on day 99.... You are my hero!

  9. #69
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    On day 21, of my recovery, feel ok but my energy and sleep is still not there... I just want to relax and sleep on my days off. Trying to get some energy but i feel blah...

    I am still clean for today...

    day 21

  10. #70
    Ilovemtndogs7 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey LadyBlue-day 21 is still fairly early for some people. Remember everyone is different. For some of us, we can fake feeling good or fine. Some people just can't and that is very ok. Just do what you can and make it to day 22. Like Crazyfrog said, if he can..you can. If I can..you can. Maybe your man is with you for all the right reasons and you just aren't giving yourself credit. Try and get some positive feelings going. I do know how hard that is. Feeling negative will not help you. Rake care. Hugs. Miss Dogs/Sheryl.

  11. #71
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ilovemtndogs7 View Post
    Hey LadyBlue-day 21 is still fairly early for some people. Remember everyone is different. For some of us, we can fake feeling good or fine. Some people just can't and that is very ok. Just do what you can and make it to day 22. Like Crazyfrog said, if he can..you can. If I can..you can. Maybe your man is with you for all the right reasons and you just aren't giving yourself credit. Try and get some positive feelings going. I do know how hard that is. Feeling negative will not help you. Rake care. Hugs. Miss Dogs/Sheryl.
    Thank you Ms Lovemydogs....

    I need to hear that, maybe he is... and the neg. feeling are tearing me down... I will try to look on the bright side where ever that is...lol just joking 22 days clean today....

    feeling a little better.,,,

  12. #72
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hey Lady,

    You are doing well. Blah is a part of life and most especially early in recovery. We do what we can. This is exactly the time you want to pamper yourself and take the time to care for yourself. There's nothing wrong with having a day to do absolutely nothing if that's your choice. I do it because I can. I know for me early on, it was a matter of feeling guilty--feeling like my detox and recovery was the cause for me being lazy and didn't want anyone to think/know "I had done this to myself". I had to shake myself one day and give me permission to just stop trying to change the past. Nothing I could do about it and the only way I'd get through this was to get through today. I suspect that some of this guilt in on your mind too. Let it go. You are doing the right thing now so be proud of it! We're a small group in the scheme of things that can do this recovery thing successfully.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  13. #73
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    Lady - I think you are doing great. This is not an easy road to travel. By now, at day 22 for both of us, it's all the mental part. You really have to think of what you are going to do in different triggering situations. You have to tell yourself a pill is absolutely not an option (for dealing with the life of stress). We are going to have stress in one form or another at any given times. I am hoping and praying for you. You will do it. Divert yourself to something that once gave you joy. Stay strong.
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  14. #74
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Hello Catrina and Hope, thanks so very much for the support, it always makes u feel better and gives you a different way of looking at things. Hope we are 23 days clean as of today...

    I am not thinking about going back on pills... It was to hard making it this far....I just want this to be over with so I can feel better.... Have some energy...

    I am still seeking out patient recovery so I can get my life under control and stay clean....

    This has been by far the hardest thing I had to do besides raising kids...

    as of today I am 23 days clean.... It was a okay day! I felt better mentally as well but still have low energy... I know this to will pass....

    Catrina how are you doing? I follow you, I know you are going through a few things yourself....

    Hope you are doing great girl you share the love u are greatly appreciated, and you as well Catrina.....

    23 days clean my choice
    just for today

  15. #75
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    So glad you had a bit of a better day today. It took me a while too before I got any level of energy back and I hated it! BUT, once I learned to go with the flow, try to stay busy and accept that fact I began to be OK with it. I can't tell you how long it took. I won't say "to get back to normal" because I absolutely hate that phrase. What's normal? I'm good on 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night even working long days. Someone else needs 8 or 9. Which is normal? Stupid word. Nothing normal about me!

    Love your attitude. No turning back. Not now.

    Peace,

    Cat

  16. #76
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ladyblue1866 View Post
    Hello Catrina and Hope, thanks so very much for the support, it always makes u feel better and gives you a different way of looking at things. Hope we are 23 days clean as of today...

    I am not thinking about going back on pills... It was to hard making it this far....I just want this to be over with so I can feel better.... Have some energy...

    I am still seeking out patient recovery so I can get my life under control and stay clean....

    This has been by far the hardest thing I had to do besides raising kids...

    as of today I am 23 days clean.... It was a okay day! I felt better mentally as well but still have low energy... I know this to will pass....

    Catrina how are you doing? I follow you, I know you are going through a few things yourself....

    Hope you are doing great girl you share the love u are greatly appreciated, and you as well Catrina.....

    23 days clean my choice
    just for today
    Wait! You are on day 23?! Lolololol. You are almost there! If you are this far in and still holding on. .. you are almost in the clear! You should have a easier time dealing with the body issues by now. But you will have a very hard time with the mental issues still. I started to get incredible good days after 3 weeks. They came and went. But i got them.So i suspect you will have them very soon. >> just eat healthy from now on and get of any otc if you are taking any. If you can count down 2 more weeks, i promise you happiness. 1 month is enough for mosttoget normal but some need 1 1\2 months to feel great.

    But you are doing good. .. i must say. One thing you will notice as more days go on is how the "i won't ever take these pills" over rides the cravings more. That's the progress you want so you don't relapse. And eliminate all connections with the drug. I had to dump a good friend and feel bad but it has to be done. I don't miss the guy.

  17. #77
    Poppy Girl 37 is offline Member
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    I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the inspiration and good advice on this thread. Thanks ladies! You are all amazing.

  18. #78
    Ilovemtndogs7 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hello Lady Blue-you are doing great. Have you heard anything about the outplacement treatment? Can you do that and work? I think the treatment would really understand yourself better. Not just the pill part. All the parts. I agree with Cat. What's normal anyway? You are doing great. A little more positivity would help. Just for today thinking can really help. Thinking of you. Hugs. Miss Dogs./Sheryl

  19. #79
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazyfrog View Post
    Wait! You are on day 23?! Lolololol. You are almost there! If you are this far in and still holding on. .. you are almost in the clear! You should have a easier time dealing with the body issues by now. But you will have a very hard time with the mental issues still. I started to get incredible good days after 3 weeks. They came and went. But i got them.So i suspect you will have them very soon. >> just eat healthy from now on and get of any otc if you are taking any. If you can count down 2 more weeks, i promise you happiness. 1 month is enough for mosttoget normal but some need 1 1\2 months to feel great.

    But you are doing good. .. i must say. One thing you will notice as more days go on is how the "i won't ever take these pills" over rides the cravings more. That's the progress you want so you don't relapse. And eliminate all connections with the drug. I had to dump a good friend and feel bad but it has to be done. I don't miss the guy.
    Hello Crazyfrog
    How are you doing? I am doing good today felt a lot better even laugh a lot today... today is the strongest I have been in my recovery... I have a very good friend as well that still uses... I know I have to cut ties with her..I don't want to we have so much fun together... I love her but I know I have to for my own sobriety....I just pray she decides to get clean soon... I will miss her very much... I have eliminated most... It my choice if I choose to pick up again and after what I just went through I choose not too...

    I am looking forward to getting my energy back... I know the mental will need more work.... One day at a time today I am 24 days clean

    I choose to be clean....

  20. #80
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Hello Cat

    Yes I am feeling better as each day goes on, had a nice day today got a little agitated a few times other than that, I am okay.... Still have low energy.... I still am not feeling up to having company or entertaining.... Not ready to go out for a night on the town that for sure....lol I do have my since of humor back.... The waking up in the middle of the night looking at the clock every 2 hours in draining, and the dreams wow are crazy but I started having them before I was off the pills..

    No there is no turning back Cat, I feel like it's a life or death fight for me and I choose to live...

    Just for today I am 24 days clean yeah!

    Thanks for all your support

  21. #81
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Poppy Girl 37 View Post
    I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the inspiration and good advice on this thread. Thanks ladies! You are all amazing.

    You are amazing too, Poppy Girl the support is wonderful could not do it without you guy.....

    Just for today

  22. #82
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ilovemtndogs7 View Post
    Hello Lady Blue-you are doing great. Have you heard anything about the outplacement treatment? Can you do that and work? I think the treatment would really understand yourself better. Not just the pill part. All the parts. I agree with Cat. What's normal anyway? You are doing great. A little more positivity would help. Just for today thinking can really help. Thinking of you. Hugs. Miss Dogs./Sheryl
    Hello Lovingmydogs

    thanks for the vote of confidence, it has not been easy but it is doable.... yes I have looked into out patient with my counselor, I am checking into it now, I feel there was a reason I numb myself. and to continue with my sobriety I have to get to the bottom of my trauma... I know what it is but it's time to learn to put it to bed.... Yes I know I can be a negative Nancy but I am just angry upset depressed and all those things rapped up in one sometime.... I am just expressing myself... I have been trying to be a little more positive about the outcome... But for now I cannot promise anything except to be clean, and take one day at a time until I learn how think positive and not always think about the doom and gloom of everything..... But that what I learned, and experience and being positive and not always expecting the worst is going to have to be a new learned skill..... I am looking forward to that as well..... Thanks for all the words of encouragement.

  23. #83
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Today is my 25 day clean.... Yes I am doing well felt good today laughed and had a burst of feel good... I could not stop laughing.... My normal self is very silly and love to make people laugh.... That was the best feeling I had since I been in recovery... I think I am turn a corner.... I am so excited I can't deny it I am about to lose control and I think I like it yeah!

  24. #84
    Tartone is offline New Member
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    New to the site...a big thanks you all!! I'm just beginning my 7th day clean. Oooh what a rough week it's been but I'm being to feel better. No energy is the worst of it. I do what I can when I can other than that lots of rest. I'm overcoming an 8 year percocet addiction. I've had many unsuccessful attempts. This is the longest I've made it yet and I just feel good about it this time around. Anyway, thanks your words help enormously.

  25. #85
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tartone View Post
    New to the site...a big thanks you all!! I'm just beginning my 7th day clean. Oooh what a rough week it's been but I'm being to feel better. No energy is the worst of it. I do what I can when I can other than that lots of rest. I'm overcoming an 8 year percocet addiction. I've had many unsuccessful attempts. This is the longest I've made it yet and I just feel good about it this time around. Anyway, thanks your words help enormously.
    Hello Tarton
    Welcome to the site it has been a rough rode, for me I am not going to lie, but it has been well worth it, I love the burst of happiness I felt on day 25 it was like very nice, I have been on and off opiates for over 20 years and never realized the effect it had on my body, mind and my life... I was oblivious to the facts of the beast....

    You are on your 7th day please keep going no matter what, the beast if powerful and it will make you feel like you need it.. You don't... There will be many up and down days but just keep going because the down days will become few and the up days will become the norm... If that make since to you? joy! for day 7 celebrate everyday you are clean from opiates no matter how you feel.... Be proud of yourself for clean days. Like it's your birthday....lol

  26. #86
    Poppy Girl 37 is offline Member
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    Thanks Lady Blue for reminding me I will truly laugh again. I used to love a good rolling on the floor belly laugh so much but haven't had one in years. Laughing is forced when I'm on opiates. It's one of the many things this beast has stolen from me. But I'm going to battle and I'm taking them ALL back!
    Go on with your bad self Lady! 25 days! You are amazing, strong, dedicated and inspiring. I'm glad you can see the trees, but you are almost out of the woods!!!!

  27. #87
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Ladyblue...... you have to ditch your friend. You can never recover around other addicts. Been proven over and over. Live your own life. You will thx yourself at the end. Even if you are alone. .. be alone. Getting clean requires hard sacrificres. But that's just my opinion.

  28. #88
    Tartone is offline New Member
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    Thanks for the welcome lady blue...I'm glad to have you. Your definitely a strong woman, I hope I can have a little of your strength. Day 8! And holding strong..thanks for all your support.

  29. #89
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Poppy Girl 37 View Post
    Thanks Lady Blue for reminding me I will truly laugh again. I used to love a good rolling on the floor belly laugh so much but haven't had one in years. Laughing is forced when I'm on opiates. It's one of the many things this beast has stolen from me. But I'm going to battle and I'm taking them ALL back!
    Go on with your bad self Lady! 25 days! You are amazing, strong, dedicated and inspiring. I'm glad you can see the trees, but you are almost out of the woods!!!!
    Thanks PoppyGirl37

    You don't even realize how much you, Sheryl (lovingmydogs), Cat, Bette, and CrazyFrog, and all the rest of the form Crew have really inspired me... Even when I slipped I thought about this form.... It has been a god send and I am bless to have found it... and the support it brings.....

    I laugh so hard yesterday, man oh man Girl I laugh so hard it scared me, I laugh for about a hour I laugh till I cried..

  30. #90
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazyfrog View Post
    Ladyblue...... you have to ditch your friend. You can never recover around other addicts. Been proven over and over. Live your own life. You will thx yourself at the end. Even if you are alone. .. be alone. Getting clean requires hard sacrificres. But that's just my opinion.
    Hey my friend I am glad you check on me, I am still hanging in there.....

    Yes, I know what you mean I really do when I was in my early 20's I was addicted to Crack Cocaine for about 2 years it was the worst, I have 5 kids and I used crack homeless living from pillar to post lost a lot of good friends to the crack epidemic .... 3 friends died, found one of my friends found in the dumpster dead... She was a hard working woman she had 2 kids, she fought her husband constantly about using in her home around her kids, then one day she said what do you guys see in that stuff I want to try it.... She is no longer with us... My other friend never stop using she died at 35 of a heart attack.... My other friend went to college she had one baby, and a loving husband they both got hooked on crack... I moved out of the State, when I came back to visit her she had 6 kids and was in prison her husband had all the kids.... My husband continue to use Crack after I got clean.. I had to make a choice my kids or my crack... I choose my kids... I watch him use for over 10 more years went through rehab with him and AA you name it. Was draining till I said enough and divorced him... I tell you his fate on another date I am rambling....lol all to say this is not my first rodeo... with addiction see my life has been full of trama, I am a humanitarian at heart if I can save someone else I will... This is my own fate.... I choose to be clean.... from the beast... I am not your normal person.. I grew up in a big city where my young eyes was expose to a lot.... I am strong I have faith...


    This one is different... She wants to get clean with every fiber in her being, she is scared to death to do it....The beast has all but taken her down... I don't know I think being around me and seeing that there is life after the beast give her hope... She does not talk about it with me... We don't discuss it or make light of it in any kind of way... I love her and I think I am the only hope she has left of being clean...

    I will make a promise to you Crazyfrog if the water gets to deep I will get out of the pool.... Thanks so much for looking out for me...u are the best... u are my inspiration.... my rock.....

    Thanks
    Anna May

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