Page 1 of 6 123 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 30 of 170
Like Tree34Likes
I can see the Trees
  1. #1
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Smile I can see the Trees

    I have been a user of opiates for 20 years on and off. on my off times i never quit because I wanted to, maybe I could find any or I moved to another state and lost my doctor.

    This time I am doing it because I want to be clean, I am not doing it for my fiance, my kids or my grand kids. I am doing it for me! I am so tired of the chase, of it all the lying running low, borrowing, begging and the sickness that comes when you have none.

    Mines start with a toothache, being prescribe, having babies being prescribed, bad periods being prescribed, multiple surgeries being prescribed, car accident being prescribed, degenerative disc disease. You name it I was prescribed for it until it became a normal way of life. I could not live without my pills it became like taking vitamins.

    When I didnt have them I was sick as a dog so I did whatever it took to get them lie it didnt matter.

    Now I am 6 days clean, this has been a living hell for me being on them and going off them. I hate those pills. I feel a lot better although its now attacking my mental, all the things I missed out on and all the money I spent chasing them. I spent more time looking calling, and making deals then I spent living. I still feel a little under the weather but I am doing it. This has been the hardest thing I have done besides raising kids.

  2. #2
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Posts
    1,106

    Default

    Good for you lady. It's never to late to get clean. It sounds like you really want it, that is going to help you so much. Stay strong and remember that you don't need them and life is better with out. The mental thing is so tough however if others can do this so can we!!! Posting and walking has been allot of help. Glad you are over the physical. Win the day!! One day at a time!!

  3. #3
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    251

    Default

    Im on day 8. Of about 8 years daily use. Feel better body wise, but mentally in about 60% there. I'm having slight cravings, not bad buy they are there. What triggers them are random thoughts of the good times i had under them. Hehe. Suks bad.

  4. #4
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    2,537

    Default

    Congratulations !
    Life is better from this side!
    Take care
    It gets better everyday!
    Bette

  5. #5
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Thank you so very much return to work today went better than I thought it would... I was so frighten I would not last the whole day... I did... So proud of myself.... Yes Sunshine I really do... I could not go through withdrawals and being sick anymore....It was the worst thing ever....but the mental is the worse for me... being sober is even better

  6. #6
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Yes it does thank you so very much for the confidence lluv2smile I felt pretty good today! Happy Mothers day

  7. #7
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    I know crazy frog I just keep thinking about how sick I have been without them that keeps me going my physical withdrawls was horrible. That I will never forget..... I had to still pick my baby up from school daily that was the worst I should have never been driving....lol I can laugh about it now but then I could not....I look like a walking zombie....lol I am looking forward to be pill free, I hated when I got low I started on the hunt spent all my money and time on those things. I hate them.....

  8. #8
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    251

    Default

    hehe. Yup... the walking zombie effect is just not fun! Im out of that stage. Zombie is gone! I'm in day 11. Feel a whole lot better. Only symptoms left are inside my healing mind. It's that dreaded chemistry imbalance that causes the maddening mental states that come in random waves. We all go through these stages. It's key to know that. Otherwise when you hit one wave, you think life will not get better and off you go to get pills. Its a cycle. Keep adding days. .. thats the cure. If you get down and depressed, remember your baby. Get it in your mind that this could happen to even her in the future so you have to beat this so you can prevent that. I have a daughter myself, and that motivates me tremendously!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-29-2018 at 11:13 PM.

  9. #9
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Hello Crazyfrog
    Today is my 12th day clean no it's not fun... LOL I thought I was further along than I am, I just knew I was like 15 days clean. I have return to work, doing ok?? The depression is worst than the physical part. Mind games have never been my strong suite but I am not giving up. I could never imagine going through this again and know I brought it on myself just plain stupid.

    So I struggle on with my addiction... now I am afraid i am getting addicted to food because I am always starving.... LOL


    Thanks for replying
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  10. #10
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    251

    Default

    hey there! Good to hear from you! You held on! That's awesome! ! You got will power! Lots of people give in. Actually many give in by this time either by lack of will or a current recent injury. So be happy you are here. I'm about to hit day 15 in 2 hours. Got good news for you! ! Was waiting forever for that natural happy high, well i got ut yesterday. Day 14 was the magic day. :]
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-29-2018 at 11:13 PM.

  11. #11
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Hello Crazyfrog

    Although I have not been posting a lot I am hanging in here I have read a lot of your post. I think you are doing awesome, I know you inspire me that is for sure... Today I came so close to using. I was so afraid. My counselor said I need to get to a NA meeting right away. I don't want to go to a meeting. I have no ideal why I have no desire to attend a NA meeting. especially when I have support right here. I dont post everyday but anytime I feel like using I come on here and read for at least a hour a day. I told her about this place and she said I should post daily. As part of my recovery. I love this site it has help me make it through my 12 days.

    I am so glad you got your happy high wow it gives me hope, since I am so close to day 14, I know everyone is different but at least I know it is coming... The one thing I am worried about is I have severe Arthritis in my neck which gives me really bad headaches. They are starting to come back I don't know if it's the WD's or the actual arthritis so I am going to go and get some over the counter arthritis pills and see if they help. You are doing great keep up the good work.

  12. #12
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    251

    Default

    Ohhh yes lady blue. It gets better! Hehe... today was another mental change. For the first time the creeping craving though that give me depression had no great impact on me. For some reason it didn't bother me as much as the party couple of days. That's big! Cravings lead to relapse, so if i can get my mind to not go into doom mode after thinking about the high, that would be literally key to success. and yes...... reading and posting helpss so much, it's what carried me through this. Even if no one responded initially and it got quiet . . I kept posting daily updates to myself and for others to read. Just the act of posting brought relief. Must be why NA is effective. You relate to people with the same problem. Personally. . I can never go to NA. That's just me. Posting online and being advice with encouragement if enough for me. Everyone is different.

    Well.... day 14 was a turning point for me. So if you are very close , keep holding on. Once you feel what i have felt, you will thank me. Lol
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-29-2018 at 11:13 PM.

  13. #13
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    251

    Default

    Sweetbecky. Glad to see you here again. It's perfectly normal to get these waves on the second week. Actually, it has to happen. It's the mind rewiring itself to its older version. Hence the waves. 2 hours away from day 19 and day 18 i ended up getting a wave of depression early mooring for like 4 hours. Then had a good afternoon. So its perfectly normal. Matter of fact, i always find the metal aspect harder than the physical wd. And week 2 is when you feel the mental part the most imo. The good news is you are on day 12! Lol...... thats almost 2 weeks. Rhodesy over at another thread was on day 13 yesterday and he had a hell of a time getting there. But day 13 he noticed a new good change on his mind. I felt that on day 14. So, is critical to stay clean since you are this deep into it. Highly above you to break all contacts that are sources. Keep going and going you have all the world's will power.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-29-2018 at 11:13 PM.

  14. #14
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    251

    Default

    Hey sweetbecky , thats weird.... i replied to you yesterday. I guess it didn't post. Hope you are still holding on. I'm on day 20. And day 20 is my first day that i am experiencing a very good morning! Feel pretty good i must day. I'm happy since for the last 2 day i have been having some bouts of depression for like 3 hours during the mid day. So this is a welcoming morning for sure. Looks like we are all still here holding on. .. that not bad. When you hit 20 days you will be in a much better state of mind. This is uncharted water for me, never been this clean. So im learning as i go.

  15. #15
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    251

    Default

    Becky . .. how's life? I'm curious if you are on track.

  16. #16
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Well I am back again on day 4 yes I caved in. I am so mad at myself.... This time I tried to get some help and if I dont have lots of money no help for me so I came back here and I am starting over again. I feel like a fool. I could have been almost 2 months clean by now but the pain got the best of me. This time is going to be my last time. I think I said that last time. Don't feel as bad this time though although I do feel defeated today. I wanted to go into a facility my insurance does not cover it need 2000.00 dollars to go. Go figure, well I can rely on God this form and my family. I have to return to work tomorrow don't have any ideal how this is going to go. I talk on the phone to people.

  17. #17
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Last night was the worst night of my recovery, I went back to work after being clean for only 4 or 5 days I lost count so much confusion going on? My finance and I got into a really bad argument because I did clean the house and cook dinner. I suppose it has been all the thing that went on before I got clean.... I imagine he just tired of the whole thing..... He told me I would never get clean.... I have been crying every since.... trying to pull myself back together..... I refuse to use..... I have no support I am so lost right now

  18. #18
    Ilovemtndogs7 is offline Advanced Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    1,282

    Default

    Hi Ladyblue-you have us, the forum. I know it's not as personal as you might like, but we will help any way we can. This is hard. You have done it. You can and will do it again. If your fiancé is negative don't listen to him. Right now that thinking will keep you stuck. One day at a time. Do you remember the Thomas recipe, do you have Imodium? You can Win the Day. Just concentrate on each day, that's all. Take a walk, jog in place, in the bathroom if you have to, scream into a pillow. Whatever it takes. Keep close to the forum. It helps. All good thoughts. Miss Dogs.

  19. #19
    Poppy Girl 37 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Posts
    103

    Default

    This thread has been very encouraging to read. It's nice to be reminded that things get better.... About the magic moments when natural endorphins start to come back. I'm so scared they never will. I think that's why I haven't tried to get clean for over a year now. I've been afraid to find out how much permanent damage I've done to my brain and if I'll ever be able to reverse enough of it to feel happy again. Keep fighting Lady Blue. I once heard that a new healthy habit is simply a whole bunch of good decisions made over and over again in a row. We really only need to make one good decision at a time. You DESERVE health and happiness. The fact that you are sick and suffer from addiction does not change that anymore than it would for someone with diabetes or any other disease. Thank you for being brave enough to post today. Your courage and some similarities between our stories inspired me to reach out and make my very first post today. Use that courage on your very next decision. It's the only one that matters.
    Sending light and love to you Lady....

  20. #20
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Thanks so very much for the encouragement Miss Dogs, this has been a rough road, I just got up and went to work today instead of sitting in this house feeling sorry for myself..... I missed 2 days of work this week I am trying to make them up so I am not depressed and broke..... Yes I am so tired of this is crazy.....But I guess I am not as bad as the first time its more mental this time.... lot of crying and feeling bad for all the crazy decisions I made. I going to try to clean up my house so I can at least feel comfortable.... I am so tired I just want to lay down...That's not possible I have no support..... I am raising my Grandson.... Why I wanted to go into a facility I knew if I did this at home all the expectations would be on me to keep doing things like I was not sick.... I am going to make it through one day at a time.... One minute at at time....Thanks for all the support from you and PoppyGirl37

  21. #21
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Thanks PoppyGirl37 I appreciate your support and kind words... The paragraph below is for you also...lol

  22. #22
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    2,537

    Default

    [deleted - formatting issues]
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-24-2015 at 06:13 PM.

  23. #23
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Miss Doggs I used the Imodium for about 4 day drank dang near the whole bottle... I didnt want to get addict so I stop drinking it...

  24. #24
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Hey Bette
    You are so right I thank you for the words of encouragement....
    Clean in 2015
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  25. #25
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    2,537

    Default

    [deleted - formatting issues]
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-24-2015 at 06:12 PM.

  26. #26
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Good Morning woke up at 7:30am could not sleep pick up my lap top and began reading other stories... I am not really good at giving support yet... I feel like I am not worthy....lol I am still clean for today dont want to count the days. Seem so hard for me because I want this to go away now. counting the days is like waiting for vacation to come...lol I have not used... Last night was hard I had severe back pain... I have no ideal whether it was ghost pains or just my body wanting the drug or real pain. most of my physical symptoms have gone except a little of the malyseisa I have been using nurtoin as well it helps a lot and vitamins. My doctor prescribed the Nurtion a long time ago I did feel comfortable using them as I didn't want to get addicted to anything else. I am going to use for a few more day and leave them alone as well. I am scared because my appetite is still very low and I have been eating only once a day. My mental is the hardest. My fiance was very supportive yesterday and apologized for being so mean. I do understand because he is going through this with me for the 3rd time. This forum is a life saver because it lets me know I am not alone with battling the beast.

  27. #27
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    One part of recovery for me is the realization why I started using in the first place, and to keep using, I know I am a addict... I have been every since I could remember I think most of us are. Addicted to one thing or another in our life time... Think that goes without saying it dosent have to be a drug... shopping, clothes, shoes. food, people, >>>>>>>> lets face it... What makes us be addicted to a mind altering drug... Trama wanting to feel different than we do at that moment... For me being molested at 5 and then being rejected by your parents and growing up in a toxic environment with little guidance, as a child being on my own since i was 15 where my mother just left me in a house..... I am not going to go into my life history it goes much worse from that...

    I am a product of my own life, I never looked at what really made me do crack cocaine for 2 years and quit. Never use again hate the sight and taste of it..... Drink beer for 2 years love it, then quit hate the taste and smell of it now.

    This drug is different it help numb the pain I felt the feelings of rejection and no one to care about me... And being abused, as a child as well as a adult. It made me feel like I could get up and clean my house after working a 50 hour week in the factory and then going home to take care of 5 kids... and a alcoholic crack head husband and abusive.

    Now as I sit here all the feeling are coming back about all that I numbing over the last 20 years on and off a divorce, my son has diabetes, my other son in jail, I think my daughter is ashamed of me. She is a beautiful young lady had 3 kids and a husband. I have 17 grand kids some I have never met... My kids have little to do with me why because I have isolated myself from them. I have missed funeral of love one, I should have attended.. Now I sit her almost 50 It seems like I went back 20 years in time because I am a pay check away from being homeless.... I am raising my grandson my fiance love me dispite all me misgiving spending my money for drugs and lying, among other things I did for my habit.... We both have decent jobs we should be way ahead of where we are now....

    For me to move forward I know I have to go back and heal some of those hurt and trauma, for now I just want to get sober..... I am my worst critic because I know.... I am a very intelligent woman with a conscience so I must move forward....

    I want to live sober from pills free of the numbing I want to heal my heart and my brain, I have a beautiful psychologisist and she truly is concern for me getting better.... She refuses to deal with my past until I go to NA she says I need to go and be with people like me so I can see I am not alone I dont want to go the last time I went I hated it.... Made me feel so sad.... She said I am self deprecating because I have a illness I am trying to cure on my own....

  28. #28
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Sorry for the long txt emotional and confused... need to get out and walk.... Mind racing

  29. #29
    Poppy Girl 37 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Posts
    103

    Default

    I'm so sorry Lady. I was rejected by my parents too. I always look around the world and see all these people who love their kids more than anything and I wonder why is it that neither one of my parents loves me at all? I think we are all hurting so badly in one way or another and the drugs numb that. I don't want to be numb anymore, but I'm terrified to deal with all the years of feelings that I've been avoiding. Just remember when you let the lows back in, you let the highs back in too! Remember joy? Remember laughing until your belly hurt? We've numbed those too and I'm so excited to get them back. I believe they will come back. I have to.
    BTW....I'm certainly not worthy of anything at all. I don't claim to have any answers. Just offering support. Trying to do something positive and stay connected to others who are fighting this fight. I'm not comfortable with NA either and hoping to get that kind of support from an online community. I'm told it's not the best idea, but I'm well known in my community and i don't want to risk exposure by going to a public meeting.
    I'm terrified of going to a sub doc for the first time. I've looked up names, read reviews online and saved the numbers but I haven't called yet.

  30. #30
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    2,537

    Default

    Post as much as you want ..
    It will probably save your butt one day ..
    It sure did mine..
    I even had to write goodbye letters to my drug of choice.
    Because I definitely had to morn the loss of it..
    I wrote why I loved it so much.
    Then I wrote the things that were so bad because of it..

    Writing to someone or something that means a lot to us
    Is a great way to heal..
    My mom dies when I was 8.
    I was so mad at her for leaving me..
    When I wrote her and told her everything I felt as a child without a mom..
    It helped me soon much..
    To see how that affected my life..
    Even to write a letter to a parent that may still be alive..
    You don't need to send it..
    The healing is in the writing..
    You both are doing great!
    Self evaluation
    Is a hard one to get and even harder to do!
    But the pay off is huge!
    Take care
    Bette
    Ladyblue1866 likes this.

Page 1 of 6 123 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22