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I have no one else but you guys to help me through this
  1. #1
    BrianO is offline New Member
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    Default I have no one else but you guys to help me through this

    Well, here we go again, a bit a background, Almost 50, veteran, successful business with 40 plus employees that rely on me, 5 great kids all on their own with 5 lovely grand kids, addictive personality, had problems with opiate addiction in the past, most starting out legally having doctors rebuild all the parts that the military broke over 22 years. Had a rough go round with Tramadol years back, kicked that and replaced it with a hardcore addiction to Imodium (yes Imodium) Kicked that (excruciating wd's) Clean for 6 months, then back on the opiates with knee replacements and back issues. Over the last year I found that I knew people in our building that could get me Oxy for cash, well, no shortage of cash so off to the races I went Over the last couple of months, been burning through $4-$5000 a month buying pills, told my supplier that I was getting them for an old man dying of cancer that refused to go to hospital.

    Business is struggling, had to go thru layoffs which kills me, struggling financially and seeing the writing on the wall that I will end up bankrupting myself and the business or worse, switching to something cheaper which would be the kiss of death. so over the last 3 months, I have been planning on the big quit. No one knows about my dirty little secret and I have to keep it that way, I am terrified of what the next couple weeks holds for me. Got the wife to take a trip to see one of our kids 1500 miles away for a week to 10 days, and literally just took my last pill. Habit has been sitting about 250mg oxy a day, took 210 today with the last one going down the hatch at 12 noon. Terrified as I have no idea what that dosage will mean to me as far as the severity of withdrawals, but at least I have no one at home cept me and my dogs, office is running smooth and I told them I am out for the rest of the week to rest.

    My problem is willpower, I know I am killing myself slowly, I know it hurts my wife seeing me zoned out and blaming it on work, being tired etc. If I have the pills, I take them, compulsively, obsessively in a way that makes me disgusted with myself at my lack of control with it.

    I know I have to talk/write about it if I am going to have a chance of succeeding here, hopefully my memorializing my journey off the pills will help someone else, maybe not, but there is no one I have to turn to, being the owner has its perks but is a lonely place at times.

    So here goes were at T=10min T is the last pill in my mouth and I feel GREAT.... haha am sure the 200 mg of Oxy today is helping with that. All I know is that I have to succeed, but those are just words aren't they. Truth be told I love the feeling I have when I take oxy, relaxed, can get a ton of work done, seems in the last month the energy given has been reduced day by day. Find myself sitting at the desk nodding off, find myself counting and recounting what I have on hand so I do not run out, coming up with the next "reason" for getting more pills. Waking up, racing to my garage to pop 60mg so my body can come to life for the day, taking another 60 once the first 60 have hit to be able to get moving and face the day. What the hell am I doing considering that normal.

    Well I anticipate I am going to be fine thru the day, hoping to get a decent sleep tonight in anticipation of a week of hell coming. just the thought of waking up tomorrow with no pills available is enough to give me a panic attack. Not sure what tomorrow brings, just know that I have to at least try, lest I fear that the result of failure will initiate the disintegration of my life, relationships, business and everything else I have been blessed with. Not even sure how a 210-250 mg habit rates in the big scale of things. surfing around I read about people who were taking 60mg a day and felt that they were going to die. Input welcomed how would you rate my dosage, been at that level about 2 months, was at about 100mg a day before that for a year. Any input/prayers are welcome.

    thanks for listening - B
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  2. #2
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    welcome Brian. There's a lot of great people on here who can offer advice on what you're going through more than I can. I know how scary it is..

    First thank you for your service. I'm sure you've sacrificed a lot of things in your own life over your 22 years for all of us and I can't thank you enough.

    You said that you've quit before so you've got a pretty good idea of what's going to happen over the next week. It's no fun we both know that. But it is doable and there is nothing better than not watching the clock too see if you can take more or not having to count to make sure you have enough to get you through. I promise you that. Look up the Thomas recipe. I think it helped me through my detox quite a bit. The Imodium part is up to you, but it helped me tons for the first couple of days. Eating good and drinking a lot of water and Gatorade. Hot shower or bath multiple times through the day. When I couldn't sleep I would just get up and do something. Laying in the dark tossing and turning just pissed me off, sleep will come back. And time, you didn't get this way over night and it's not going to fix itself over night. Stay positive. Take walks. Anything to keep your mind off of how bad you feel.

    The next week will be tough but you're going to be glad you made this choice in a month or so. It gets easier. Keep posting and let us all know how you're doing. I know you can do this. Keep your head up and get it over with. And thank you again.
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  3. #3
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Brian
    Welcome! You're in the right place!
    Our resident pill detox expert, Catrina, jumped CT from very high doses. She says it's 4 rough days but by day 5 it's over. That's the great news about detoxing the short-acting opiates. Just 5 days and done!
    I certainly support your decision. Any way you could get the "flu" for a few days? Would help with work issues.
    Imodium and you have a history but it will help greatly during those days. Comfort meds from doctor might help too.
    Look for Catrina's posts. She knows things!
    Hang in there! You're doing the best thing possible!
    Proud of you! Post when you can...

  4. #4
    KnotMeUgh is offline Junior Member
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    Welcoming aboard. I just stopped CT myself and on day eleven. Might not been as high of a dose as yourself but in the same boat. It's going to be hard but you can do it. Remember every second is in the past. One second cleaner. You can do this just like the rest of us did or are doing. Buckle up and put your seat belt. Hang on

  5. #5
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi Brian,

    Hope you read this before the night is out. I'm sorry about your history with Immodium and I don't know if you are strong enough to control it but if you can, take it as directed on the package and be vigilant about not taking more. Just enough so that you're not running to the bathroom every 10 minutes. I know there are others who used a lot more than what the package says but that's too dangerous for you.

    Hot baths (of course) and I used two heating pads set on low, one wrapped around each leg that gave at least some relief for the RLS (drove me bonkers!). I don't know if you're up to consulting your doctor but if you are, he can prescribe clonidine for anxiety and might help sleep. This is a high blood pressure med but used off-label on a pretty common basis for withdrawal symptoms. Gabapentin helps a lot of people with RLS. So....even if you don't want to fess up to the doctor, you can just tell him that you get RLS, especially at night and it's interrupting your sleep. Non addictive and most doctors don't have a problem prescribing it. Let him know that a friend gets it for his RLS (that's how you know the name of the drug)

    My usage peaked at around 200/mg a day. I've cold turkey detoxed from 80, 100, 120 just about all of them. I honestly can't say that one is any worse than the other. Each of my Day 1's were actually bearable except for a bit of anxiety just waiting for the ax to fall. The rest of the symptoms kicked in earnestly by bedtime and let the fun begin. Days 2, 3 and 4 were the worst of it and every single time either on Day 5 or 6, the worst of it was over. RLS--gone! What remained was that I was weak and tired but much relieved! The bathroom issues hung around for a few more days but that was so minor I didn't care. Sleep, of course it the last thing to return and nothing is going to help that but time. I used Melatonin and Sleepy Time Tea to help with sleep. It didn't really help but it did help to relax me a little bit.

    Hide the clocks. Set small goals..."I'll wait 15 minutes before I make any decision to something" Do it over and over and then do it again. Yes you've been taking a hefty amount. I'm telling you very honestly that 80 or 200, it's not that much different and absolutely takes the same amount of time.

    Hope this helps. Post often and read, read, read.

    Peace,

    Cat

  6. #6
    BrianO is offline New Member
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    Thank you to everyone for your encouragement, for Cat, I do not think using some Imodium will be a problem if I need it, but will definitely be watching it. I have set myself up with some stuff I think may help if I need it:
    Clonidine - have 5, 1mg doses for RLS
    Klonopin - have a bunch for anxiety prescribed but not often used
    Lorazepam - have 20 1mg doses as necessary
    Gaba - wife uses it, has tons of it laying about, have never really used it, but now that I google it, it seems like it may be helpful
    Doc gave me some Propranolol for anxiety, reduces heart rate,
    Also have a bunch of Trazadone for sleeping, in the past, one of those knocks me out for 6 hours
    Not sure what of all that I am going to use or need, but have em just in case, as I recall, the RLS was the worst part of it,
    Also have lots of vitamins, a hot tub and lots of fluids ready. nausea has never been a problem for me in the past, but who knows. been 3 hours since last dose, so now the countdown begins I spose, heart is already racing just thinking about what is to come, course doing that probably makes it worse as well. Thank you everyone again, will keep you updated - B

  7. #7
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    WOW! You got a whole medicine cabinet going on there. BE CAREFUL! Use the benzos very, very sparingly, only for the first 5 days and I'd only use them at night. I found that nights seemed to be the worst so if you can get some sleep with them, it's OK. Just be careful! The clonidine is going to lower your blood pressure and so will the benzos, you get the picture. You don't need an ER visit! Try the Gaba before the other things. It's the most harmless of the group.

    Please do keep us updated. Good Luck! My best to you for a smooth ride.

    Peace,

    Cat

  8. #8
    BrianO is offline New Member
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    well, I have passed the 30 hour mark, sweats, total malaise, do not feel like doing anything, head feels like it is going to explode, probably dehydrated a fair amount, Took a gaba and a klonopin and that seemed to help, worried that the worst is yet to come. had to tell the office I am working from home today, probably tomorrow as well, then I have the weekend,

    To top it off, we found that our best friends cancer is back thru her whole body, broke our heart, poor wife bawling from 1500 miles away, had a good cry with her. seemed almost weird to have "feelings" really wanted to go take a pill to stop/numb the hurt but didnt just feel sad and miserable but thats ok Just wanted to give you an update but sick of typing now. b

  9. #9
    BrianO is offline New Member
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    well 50 hours and pressing, still waiting for the hammer to fall, actually went to work and got some things done, just feel in a fog, coincidentally kind of like how I felt on the drugs, so I told my self to enjoy it lol, guts kind of knotted up, have not eaten in 2 days, going to try to eat something, so many external stressors have me jonseing for the drugs but over the point of no return now, actually slept last night for a bit, horrible dreams tho but that meant rem sleep so I should not complain

  10. #10
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    50 hours is great. I don't think things will get much worse than they are now. Great that you're getting some sleep. Every minute passed is a minute closer to feeling better. Keep on pushing.

  11. #11
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by BrianO View Post
    well 50 hours and pressing, still waiting for the hammer to fall, actually went to work and got some things done, just feel in a fog, coincidentally kind of like how I felt on the drugs, so I told my self to enjoy it lol, guts kind of knotted up, have not eaten in 2 days, going to try to eat something, so many external stressors have me jonseing for the drugs but over the point of no return now, actually slept last night for a bit, horrible dreams tho but that meant rem sleep so I should not complain
    Hello Brian, great job on 50 hours! It may still get worse before it gets better but I think by Monday morning you'll be through the worst of it! Like Cat said, be careful with the benzo! You don't want that addiction, use them as sparingly as possible preferably at night for sleep if you need it and don't don't use them for more than 5 days or so? I'm sorry to hear about your friends cancer coming back, coincidently my friends cancer came back just a few days ago, she's is only in her mid forties! I wish your friend well. Hang in there, stay strong and positive, you're almost there! Best of luck to you! Take care... God bless us all!

  12. #12
    BrianO is offline New Member
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    Well, approaching 4 days, how can time move so slow, but overall surviving, fighting to get food and water in me, no interest, so I suppose dropping 10 pounds cannot hurt as part of this. had my grandson over for a sleepover and that helped, sleeping OK, just hoping for some energy to come back, if I could get that things would be golden, feeling oddly emotional, not sure I like that, can tear up over a sappy puppy commercial and that is annoying as hell, I have plenty to be emotional about in life without >>>> like that rearing up.tick tock, tick tock

  13. #13
    Byebyetram is offline New Member
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    Hello Brian just read your story and just wanted to say good luck, I'm starting my own journey, only a bit behind you!
    I am no expert and don't have any advice as such so I am sending you a hug x

  14. #14
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Brian... welcome to hell. Lol. You are about to experience a world of hurt. The physical part will be horrendous, but the mental part is truly hell on earth. Best advice from MY own experience is cold turkey. The benefits of that is the wd's are shorter. Tapering only prolongs the the process. Plus.. I have ZERO will power if I have opiates. I eat them like candy for the feeling.lol. So tapering always fails for me. Time is key. Im 9 months clean Brian, I feel 100% normal and very contempt.

  15. #15
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    I bet you'll start feeling better and better every day now. Sleep will get even better. Staying positive and busy will help a ton. Keep up the good work Brian

  16. #16
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Byebyetram View Post
    Hello Brian just read your story and just wanted to say good luck, I'm starting my own journey, only a bit behind you!
    I am no expert and don't have any advice as such so I am sending you a hug x
    Don't know what's going on with your other thread Byebye, it got locked, but whatever your last post was sounds good, your doc is on board.

    Brian, good job, best of luck to you, you can do this.

  17. #17
    BrianO is offline New Member
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    Wow, crossed thru 5 days clean, feels like a month but only 5 days, oddly having few symptoms other than feeling as if I am in a fog, that things are in slow motion, but also realizing little things like colors, music, touch is a lot different when you are not numb. Now for the addict side, the wd's were minimal, so actually have the addict side of the brain saying, see you could use once in a while and not have to worry about quitting.... haha what a moronic thought, only had to use some Klonopin to help sleep, couple of Imodium and some Tylenol for the occasional headache.

    Other odd thing, did the rest of you have a consistent craving for sugary things when using, I always had a sweet coffee or a jug of sweet tea nearby when I was using, poor dentist had to fix about 20 cavities over the past couple of years, but not craving sweet drinks anymore, water tasting good for once... odd.... also feels odd watching a movie without nodding off every 10 minutes for a 3 second microsleep. so many changes to get used to. Seems like I am over the hump, now to try to stay on this side of the hump... thanks for listening - Brian
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  18. #18
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    I always crave sweet things, on or off opiates unfortunately. Do LOVE not nodding off trying to read or work on the computer. Not having the brain fog is the best thing for me.

  19. #19
    BrianO is offline New Member
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    Well wanted to check in and thank you guys for being there and listening, I hit a week tomorrow, I am not sure if I hit the lottery or someone up there is taking care of me but I weathered this week well. years ago when I quit Oxycontin at 240 mg a day (legal with a blown knee and full replacement) I thought I was going to die, this time 200-240 oxycodone I thought I would see the same, yet the wd's were maybe 40 percent of the Oxycontin... No urge to tempt fate on that one. go figure, I am just thankful that I have come thru the other end in one piece, things are still a bit foggy, but would not even call life uncomfortable.

    Just know that the support that you guys give is better than any pill out there, Catrina, Okc, Ricky and everyone else I do thank you for helping me get my head on straight, you guys are awesome.

    So made it thru wd's, I guess the easy part is done, in all realism the hard work begins.... staying this way. I will stay in touch and promise to get on here and pay it back when I have a free few minutes.

    To you guys trying to quit... You are the bravest, strongest ones out there, your not laying around in rehab, kicking it at Malibu, you're gutting it out, seeking help from the only people who understand you, do not give up, if you trip, get up and keep going, you can do it, one minute at a time, get mad, and I mean pissed off foot stomping mad at this >>>> that has/is stealing your life and happiness. The chemical pleasures and highs we found ourselves chasing are all an illusion of happiness. Those around you that care, are waiting for you to get with it and join them in living and enjoying life. When we're using, we're not living, we are existing, passing the days, stagnating, watching our lives come to a creeping halt.

    Got a business trip, will pop in soon and I damn sure will be clean when I do. God Bless you all and my prayers are with those of you struggling....... Out - B

  20. #20
    BrianO is offline New Member
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    Oh PS... A Huge Double Thank You, Hugs and Worshiping at your feet to Catrina.... It didn't click til just now, but you helped me 4 years ago here when I got myself in trouble the first time.... Your amazing.

    https://www.drugs.com/forum/prescrip...tml#post358483

  21. #21
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by BrianO View Post
    Well wanted to check in and thank you guys for being there and listening, I hit a week tomorrow, I am not sure if I hit the lottery or someone up there is taking care of me but I weathered this week well. years ago when I quit Oxycontin at 240 mg a day (legal with a blown knee and full replacement) I thought I was going to die, this time 200-240 oxycodone I thought I would see the same, yet the wd's were maybe 40 percent of the Oxycontin... No urge to tempt fate on that one. go figure, I am just thankful that I have come thru the other end in one piece, things are still a bit foggy, but would not even call life uncomfortable.

    Just know that the support that you guys give is better than any pill out there, Catrina, Okc, Ricky and everyone else I do thank you for helping me get my head on straight, you guys are awesome.

    So made it thru wd's, I guess the easy part is done, in all realism the hard work begins.... staying this way. I will stay in touch and promise to get on here and pay it back when I have a free few minutes.

    To you guys trying to quit... You are the bravest, strongest ones out there, your not laying around in rehab, kicking it at Malibu, you're gutting it out, seeking help from the only people who understand you, do not give up, if you trip, get up and keep going, you can do it, one minute at a time, get mad, and I mean pissed off foot stomping mad at this >>>> that has/is stealing your life and happiness. The chemical pleasures and highs we found ourselves chasing are all an illusion of happiness. Those around you that care, are waiting for you to get with it and join them in living and enjoying life. When we're using, we're not living, we are existing, passing the days, stagnating, watching our lives come to a creeping halt.

    Got a business trip, will pop in soon and I damn sure will be clean when I do. God Bless you all and my prayers are with those of you struggling....... Out - B
    Well done, congratulations! If you would please when you get a chance, create a day by day timeline all in one single post? Day 1 - day 7, supplement/meds you took each day and how much, symptoms as they came and went, did you experience any depression, anxiety and/or panic attacks, etc...? Just a really detailed summary of your complete detox would be great and very beneficial for the many others who will ultimately use your experience and story for information and motivation! Thanks. Again, congratulations. I'm so happy for you. Take care... God bless us all!

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