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I'm ready to be clean
  1. #1
    Dusty_1984 is offline Junior Member
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    Default I'm ready to be clean

    Hello all,

    My name is Dusty. I've been on Oxycodone for about three months pretty heavily at around 60'ish mg a day. I say 'ish because it will vary. I've also got a pretty bad Hydrocodone addiction which I get from others and take about 60 mg of that a day but usually only during a two week window when I have those. I've been taking them for knee pain which I've been going to the Orthopedic for and I'm looking at knee surgery I'm December for arthritic tissue removal, meniscus tear repair, and possibly ligament damage. It's been a issue since my days teaching and practicing Shotokan Karate.

    Today I've decided it will be my last day of using. It's been a decision I didn't come up with lightly but I'm worried because I know surgery is in my future and they'll offer me more pain medication. I really need to get off opiates. They've controlled my life. Everyday I think about when I can get high, not to eat too soon or after so it doesn't affect my high which leads to me not eating all day. I don't want to go anywhere because I might run short or I continually count my pills like I'm obsessed with them. I'm so pathetic and I know it.

    Currently I live with my parents. I took care of them financially for the past 7 years which kind of lead me down this path. I worked at a prison, had knee surgery, and was due to be out for a few months. We fell behind on bills so I had to go back after a week after my surgery. My doctor gave me pain killers to make it feasible after I cried to him and told him we'd lose our house if I didn't go back to work. This started my down hill sloop. I ended up messing up my knee again during this time and had to take up another job when I was off to pay all the bills. Medical bills for them and me ended up stressing me out and opiates were my escape. Plus it actually did help with pain.

    They're stable now with my father finally getting his VA stuff taken care of. I've got this unique experience to take the time to get off opiates, go to college, and not have to worry about financial problems. So I'm going to do just that. I go to college in the Spring but I want to be past the physical stuff by then. I know the mental stuff will still be there but I don't want to look all jacked when I'm I class. I've been taking multivitamins, b12, magnesium, d3, and have admodium ready for the poops. I've dealt with minor withdrawal when I ran out for a few days at a time so I know some of the pain there.

    I guess i just wanted to tell someone and be held accountable. Also I turned 32 on Halloween so it's my birthday gift to myself, to get clean.

    Have a great day everyone

  2. #2
    Dusty_1984 is offline Junior Member
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    Today's at 5:45 PM will be 24 hours off of opiates.

    I woke up this morning at around 7 AM, my usual time, and reached over to my pill bottle. It was gone. I felt a sense of panic and became very sad. I think it was the ritual that I missed along with the pills. It had become habit.

    Some of the symptoms are already showing. Nothing horrible yet except the one that I really dislike, the diarrhea. That, to me, is the worst. Even with the Imodium it is like a firery >>>>> stabbing you. Sorry, didn't mean to be too graphic.

    I hope everyone is having a fantastic day and continue to have one.

  3. #3
    Hamscraps is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dusty_1984 View Post
    Today's at 5:45 PM will be 24 hours off of opiates.

    I woke up this morning at around 7 AM, my usual time, and reached over to my pill bottle. It was gone. I felt a sense of panic and became very sad. I think it was the ritual that I missed along with the pills. It had become habit.

    Some of the symptoms are already showing. Nothing horrible yet except the one that I really dislike, the diarrhea. That, to me, is the worst. Even with the Imodium it is like a firery >>>>> stabbing you. Sorry, didn't mean to be too graphic.

    I hope everyone is having a fantastic day and continue to have one.
    Hang in there, Dusty!! The first 24 hours were always the hardest for me. I don't know why. I loathed the first 24 hours.

    I don't know why the diarrhea is so firey like we drank a smoothie of ghost chili but man it sucks!

    Keep using the Imodium as needed and drinking water, Gatorade, etc. I drank a lot of SmartWater.

  4. #4
    Dusty_1984 is offline Junior Member
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    Hello all,

    Feeling pretty awful today. Went on my daily walk and, reluctantly, cleaned up the yard. Second day of my really bad headaches. I sadly took a Vicodin to help soothe it and my knee. So I guess I'm back to square one but at least I didn't binge.

    My neighbors dog has literally been barking all day for the past two weeks. I normally didn't care but it's been bugging the >>>> out of me the last few days. From early in the morning until they bring him in at 9 'ish at night. It's all I hear. I'm going mad.

  5. #5
    mychoices123 is offline Junior Member
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    I think that's cool. I've been reading blog after blog of time stealing refill voids. No accountability. I am on day three but doing it completely different. I think I'm ready. I know it was my choice to just roll over. But it was also mine to get better. This is the first time I've shared. That's because if I can take care of six kids sick and addicted, what a beautiful thought. What a secret. I know why you need that. I am over the mid three day feeling. Just called the pharmacy told them no more. I cut my own rope. There is no other way.... And I am trying to remember the hell I created as I never want to look back.

  6. #6
    Dusty_1984 is offline Junior Member
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    Hello all,

    It's been a interesting day. My knee is killer right now. Went on my walk and I ended up falling. I tried to play it off as I went down to tie my shoe. I walk in a medical mall that allows walkers so there is like 15 to 20 people walking around at any given time. It actually inspires me as I see a lot of older people who look like they've had a hard time with their health but continue to walk as much as they can and rest when they need.

    After I have surgery I'm going to try to walk up there as much as I can but I remember last time and the pain that came with any kind of movement.

    I still took another Vicodin for my knee after the fall but I think I'm doing pretty good. At least I'm not torturing my liver with acetaminophen from the pain medication.

  7. #7
    Dusty_1984 is offline Junior Member
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    Well I get my medicine refilled between the 21st and 23rd depending on when the doctor will get me the prescription. As much as I hate to say it I'm probably going to fill it. I've been down to one or two 10mg Hydrocodone a day and I am afraid if I get it filled I'll blow through them but I have found, through painful tries, that until I get surgery I need something to just be able to function.

    I've been doing okay but I am terrified that with so many in my hands I'll go crazy. I wish they'd just do my surgery and get it over with. I'm 32 and feel like my life's slipping away.

    I have looked at job openings but honestly I keep thinking I'll be out of commission for at least a few weeks so what's the point. No company wants someone who is going to be out soon. Also I have no clue how the whole drug test works when you're actually prescribed pain meds. Do they care? Will I still get the job since I will test positive.

    Just a lot on my mind.

    I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

  8. #8
    Dusty_1984 is offline Junior Member
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    Well I guess I'll be going through a pharmacy induced withdrawal. Meaning I have my prescription but my pharmacy won't fill it because it would be too early on the 23rd even though they're not open on Thanksgiving. Kind of peeves me off because it has nothing to do with the insurance this time :/

    Was really hoping for a pain relief here coming soon and have a plan to keep them low but still in the least amount of pain as possible until my knee is fixed.

    I'm just being whiny today because I'm tired, my knee is killing me, and I feel out of it. Still walking and keeping a regular sleep/wake cycle so thsts good. Plus multivitamins with b12, magnesium, and d3.

    I hope you're all having a great week.

  9. #9
    Dusty_1984 is offline Junior Member
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    I would say it's back to square one but I never ever made it onto the track to start the race.

    Still stuck in my own head about what's going on and what I want to do. Easy to some you would think but it really isn't. What do I want? Why do I want to get sober? Is it because I want a family someday? Maybe I want to live a few more years and see how we, as humanity, progress in the future. I really don't know and that's why I haven't been able to get sober. I'm not fighting for anything. For who? Me?

    Just some rambling non sense. I just feel so foggy headed and lost. Like no one or anyone would really care if I was gone. Sure they'd mourn for a few days but then it'd be business as usual.

    Just really sad today. Had to start CT again, forced by refill blues, and it's been a hard day 2.

  10. #10
    Dusty_1984 is offline Junior Member
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    I go to get my MRI on the 1st of November. It's weird because I hope it finds something but at the same time I hope it doesn't. I mean who wants to actively be hoping to be hurt? If it doesn't show anything more conclusion then the x-ray did they won't do anything. Then it means that the pain has been I my head I guess.

    All I know is I'm back on my pain meds, got them filled today. I just hope that I can keep with moderating myself since I've got a bottle full instead of having to make very few last.

    I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving and upcoming weekend.

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