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Intellectualized Addiction
  1. #1
    dartanian_lives is offline New Member
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    Default Intellectualized Addiction

    Hello Everyone,

    Let me preface this post that I am not attempting to pluck heart strings. I just want to create a post for those that understand their addiction, but can't muster the strength to reverse the tide. This is not a criticism of those suffering from various addictions and feel lost in the fog of an overwhelming internal war - keep trying, even when those that love you lose hope.

    I hope that anyone that reads this post can add a perspective that I haven't considered. I am writing from infinite blind spots that I have tried to address throughout my life with little avail. To all those addicted to substances, I know your pain. I have struggled with hero-in, methadone, oxymorphone, hydromorphone, morphine, hydrocodone, oxycodone, codeine (particularly, "lean"), fentanyl, subutex (because you can inject them easily), powder cocaine, crack, Ritalin, amphetamine salts, methamphetamine, and xanax. Those were my physical addictions. Psychologically, I dosed LSD for several weeks at a time in my youth and would be taking notes in class as "the chalk board started speaking to me". And marijuana will never amount to a drug to me - and yes, I will argue this fact if you care to debate a non-issue. I have always preferred injection - it is a needle fixation. So please know that everything I have done can be measured in milliliters.

    People often ask me, "Why am I chasing a high?" I then have to explain that I don't want to be high. If you can give me a pill that took away my panic and agoraphobia without the side effects of getting high, then I would happily be a lab rat. I know many people indulge in substances to feel "numb." That is completely understandable, and quite often, it is true. But, what happens when you take substances in order to "FEEL" anything? What if you take a substance to connect with people (not in the "social lubricant" context)? Sadly, what if substances are your "muse"?

    This - to me - is an intellectualized addict. You are destroying yourself to feel human for a moment. The hangovers are a small price to pay to feel connected to your fellow human being. I can't feel love without being drunk - I kicked all of my other substance abuse issues a few months back because I was staying up for weeks at a time. As a side note for those going through withdrawals, don't concentrate on the restless leg syndrome and insomnia - this is your first opportunity for ACCEPTANCE. I found doing puzzles and watching survival shows helpful - one keeps your hands/mind busy and the other teaches you how to stay alive in far more dire circumstances.

    I have to be honest - because I am a habitual liar, like most other addicts - the reason I am posting this is because my brother passed away a few weeks ago from a methadone and alprazolam combination. For all those that have taken this combination, his usage was within therapeutic ranges. The combination's synergistic effects caused respiratory arrest. I have taken this combination on several occasions, which I hoped would cause gratitude that I am still alive, but survivors guilt is plaguing me. It may not seem this way, but I am humble to a fault. But, I want my pain to be special to someone. No one's pain is special - only another person can give it some form of gravitas.

    Anyhow, this rant is my way of trying to reach out to those that have a partially or fully developed understanding of his / her pain, mental health issues, and addictions, but can't put the pill bottle down. Or the BOTTLE for that matter - all of the drinkers on this forum. I don't know how to speak lovingly, but I hope that you have the commitment to endure the transient pain of withdrawals. WD's are scary, and the pain is only amplified by the mental issues that you endure. Do not let your body amplify the issues in your head; these two features of humanity are one in times of happiness, but WDs are not an event that you need to introduce into your troubled, mental narrative. It is your body reacting; let it react. Focus on cleansing yourself of those ruminating thoughts; your body's reaction isn't a result of that rumination.

    I live every day thinking I am not good enough; I am not strong; I have no confidence; my willpower is non-existent ... and that isn't why I abused substances. I want to feel anything! Anhedonia is another avenue to this hell we all share. But, just know that somebody is someone's everything (this is for the romantics) and nobody is anyone's nothing.

    Thanks.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 04-12-2016 at 07:44 PM.

  2. #2
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Great post! Can relate, my hydro abuse was to connect with others better. Not to just get high. But I didn't mind the slight euphoria really. But like any drug, you loose control.

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