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Just left my husband due to his pain killer addiction......
  1. #1
    shelly0323 is offline New Member
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    Unhappy Just left my husband due to his pain killer addiction......

    My husband and I dated for 2 1/2 yrs before getting married. While we were dating I was aware that he took vicodin for degenerative disc disease in his neck. I always thought it was prescribed since it came out of bottles with his name on it (some were prescribed, most were not). We got married in June, 2011. As soon as we returned from our honeymoon he went to pick up his checks at work that he hadn't gotten since we were out of town. He should have brought home $1400 that day but walked in the door with about $500. He had excuses for where the money went and since I was oblivious to his addiction, I bought the story. About a week later, the truth finally came out and he admitted that he had a huge problem with painkillers. He flew to Florida the very next day (15 days after we were married) to spend 30 days at a rehab facility. I stayed with him because I love him and wanted to be supportive. When he returned home from rehab things were great. He got a really good job and stayed clean for about 6 months which is when he had his first relapse. I kept very close eye on our money so I found out he was taking pills again almost immediately. He promised to stop and I believe he did....but only for about three months. During the summer of 2012 he started taking pills again and we argued almost daily over it. He got to the point where he was spending $500 a week on pills and it infuriated me because we were struggling to pay bills and he was wasting money on those stupid pills! In September, 2012 (with the help of his best friend) I told him that if he didn't stop taking the pills I was leaving. He went to a facility that started him on Suboxen and things seemed to be going well. We were still trying to play "catch up" on bills since he had spent so much on the pills for months. Two weeks before Christmas, not knowing how we were going to buy gifts for our kids (I have 2 boys, he has 2 boys...we have none together) I discovered that he had once again started taking pills....$450 gone on pills. I packed my things on December 14th and moved in with my mom.

    I just can't do it anymore. I've tried and tried. He says I am being selfish and how can I expect him to get better without me there to support him. I say that obviously me being the supportive wife HASN'T worked! I feel like this is his issue to deal with and he needs to do it without me. I still love him but living life worried about when he will start taking pills again is just not fair. He wants to go to a counselor and try to "fix" our marriage but I think that its a waste of time. How could I possibly ever trust him again? Haven't I given him enough chances? Am I being selfish to just walk away? I feel so bad for his children having to go through this but my job is to worry about me and my kids, right? Why do I feel so guilty?

  2. #2
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Dear Shelly,

    We can't begin to know if your decision is right or wrong for you and your family. I know it had to be a very difficult and painful thing to do. Dealing with a family member with addiction is nothing short of living in a nightmare; common sense and logic are out the door. I often refer to addiction as being akin to having your brain hijacked - it can be that bizarre.

    However, drug addiction is a disease - and that's not just a popular way to put a "nice" spin on it. It is recognized as a disease by the American Medical Association, so this is nothing like the multitudes of other issues that choose to identify themselves as "addictions." Your husband has a genetic factor that he was born with, and it was activated by drug use.

    This is NOT to say he is merely a 'victim' and should not be held responsible for his disease. When I wrote that thread, I simply wanted to share how complex and mystifying addiction is. Overcoming addiction is a difficult process; it is never as easy as just stopping. There must be an overhaul of many aspects of a person's life - as this disease alters every aspect of our being. It affects us physiologically, emotionally, psychologically, socially, financially and spiritually. Removing the pills is only the first step. The real work of recovery from addiction requires close introspection of who we are and how we deal with life. Drugs filled in as our #1 coping tool, and when that is removed - we feel completely vulnerable and overwhelmed, simply trying to deal with life drug-free. It takes time - action - effort - and commitment. The best place to help us is with a 12-step program, and that means daily meetings and ongoing 12-step work with a sponsor. Few are able to make the commitment to that kind of work. So, in time, many return to what is easiest - drugs.

    Anyway, all I am trying to say is, your husband is not a bad person - nor a weak person. He has a monster of a disease that is ruling his life right now - and he is overwhelmed and consumed by it. Generally, addicts seek out help when they are truly miserable - when the consequences of their drug use is too painful to make it worth continuing. It could very well be that the loss of you and his children could be the "bottom" that causes him to seek out lasting recovery. Sometimes, that is what it takes. Or it could be that he plunges in deeper.

    Yes, you do have to take care of you and your children. You have been dramatically affected by his addiction. I suggest you (and the kids, if they are old enough) attend some meetings of Alanon or Naranon. This is the 12-step program for those who have been affected by another person's drug or alcohol addictions. That is where you can learn more - and gain a lot of support and guidance through this. This is where you take care of you.

    Sorry that I can't give you a clear-cut answer if this was best - but no one else can decide that for you. Feel free to continue to post and use this forum as a sounding board. We have many folks here in similiar situations. Check out the "Need to Talk" forum, which is the most active area of the forum.

    God bless,
    Ruth

    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-18-2018 at 11:06 PM.
    HarrySmooth and Krysmith78 like this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  3. #3
    saddad1 is offline Member
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    From a husband and father who go kicked out and served with divorce paperwork after coming clean to his family and signing up for rehab I'd say move on with your life...

    You've given him chances, chances I would kill for. Only you can say how many is too many and from what I've read I think you're at that point. Tough facts will help him recover. You're understanding and patience have enabled him. He will either get the help he needs and get to the root of his issues or he won't...for what it's worth I'd say let him do it alone.

    What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Good luck to you and I wish you happiness and peace with whatever decision you make.

  4. #4
    shawn156 is offline Member
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    I am currently having this problem with my wife. We have been in arguments and she has made threats to leave and divorce me. It's not because of me buying pills off the street or taking them,she knows I have health problems,it's the effects of the drugs that cause us to fight. I am very irritable and I wouldn't live with me while I am using.
    I know I have a problem and one that keeps coming up 2-3x a year,and each time I relapse,I am on the pain pills for a shorter amount of time.This time,it's only been 4 months and I am seeing myself spinning out of control soon if I don't stop. I have spent a little money of them,but not near as much as your husband has.
    I also think that my use caused me and my kids' mom to split up. I was a heavy used on Vicodin and Oxy at the time and way out of control. But I got off the drugs,took custody of my kids because she made many bad choices.
    I have fought this addiction for almost 7 years now and doing it alone is hard. I have my wife and her daughter and my 2 kids here and I am getting clean so that it stays that way. I don't want to loose another relationship over these damn things.
    I really have no advice for you since everyone is different.But it is hard for someone who has never been addicted to look in and make a judgement that we are bad people. We are sick people,we have problems,we need support. I know you have given him many chances,probably more then he deserves. If you haven't tried yet,try some therapy with him AFTER he cleans his act up.Don't go back until he is clean if that is what your goal is. It's really hard to stop using once you do get addicted. Most of use here relapsed more then once. It's a tough situation to handle and I am very sure you are fed up with it,and he himself as well is probably disappointed he relapsed and has lost you. I wish you luck on what ever you choose to do. If you aren't ready to go back,don't. But you could always try to be supportive while you are away and it might show him that you will not hesitate to leave if he does it again. You have shown him this time you were serious about it.

  5. #5
    Inthetrees is offline New Member
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    Your story sounds like mine. I just left my husband. He was buying pills as well and our bills were suffering also. I am living at my parents house with our four month old. My heart breaks for my husband. He is missing out on numerous developmental milestones which he will NEVER get back.

    I too lived through numerous relapses. The difference this time was our son. That was a deal breaker. I feel like I am doing the right thing, but I still love him and it hurts horribly to see him hurting.

    I fear for our son. I'm grateful that there are groups like ALATeen and even books on the subject for kids as young as five.

    I hope to have a positive relationship with my husband even after we're divorced. Even if he relapses I believe, as long as its safe, it's important for them to maintain a relationship. I know my role is keeping a stable, loving and open environment for our son.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 08-01-2013 at 12:37 AM. Reason: Forgot a letter on word

  6. #6
    confused983 is offline New Member
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    I dealt with this with my ex fianc?.. We were together 13 years. I am 29 yrs old now and that was most of my life. It started with yrs of lying to me about any drug use at all.. then he finally came clean when I caught him with an oxy 80 in my house.. from then on there were times of being on suboxone, relapsing, therapy, more relapsing... He was also spending so much money on drugs that our house went into foreclosure, he was stealing from me, and stealing from both of our families. I tried to help so many times and I gave so many chances, as it seems like you have as well.. I got to my breaking point. I left him. It all comes down to the fact that you cant make other peoples decisions for them. You need to do whats best for you and your kids. He needs to get help when hes ready... you are not the drug police! This website actually helped me a lot during my hard time, I hope it helps you as well.... if you want to read my story heres the link.

    https://www.drugs.com/forum/need-tal...one-51302.html

    I hope my story and the wise advise I got will help you in your situation. I feel for you, I know how hard it is to go though being with an addict.

  7. #7
    carol15 is offline New Member
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    Unhappy Left husband after 19 years

    Hello, I am a 61 yo female who left her husband 1.5 years ago due to prescription narcotic abuse; specifically, Oxycodone. We were together 19 years, married for 10 years. We had a great life; money, housing, travel, etc. because he made a lot of money. After two neck surgeries, he became addicted to oxy, and started stacking other meds on top - sleeping pills, antianxiety pills, etc. He would fall asleep, "nodding off" every night in his chair. He always stated he was just tired. He had sleep apnea, and worked hard, so I bought into it.
    In 2011 I received a call early one morning that the police needed me to come pick up my husband. He had taken Ambien on top of everything else, got up in the night, and drove 7 miles from our home and into a ditch and fell asleep. The cops brought him home. I immediately called his family doctor and we all had a serious discussion. Things were supposed to get better in terms of my husband being more honest with me, and the doctor prescribing less. Things didn't get better. I found on line ordering receipts, credit cards charged up to $20,000 that I didn't know about. We got that under control, I thought, but then the next year I came home early from a trip; arriving at our home midday, and found a counter of prescription meds all over (narcotics, benzodiazepines, etc. some with his name on it, and some with a "friends" name). His clothes were off and thrown around our living room and he was asleep in our bedroom (Odd, as he never took daytime naps). I woke him and told him I was leaving (and I did). I filed for divorce two days later. I wanted him to get clean; I loved him. We tried to have aa few more attempts, going camping with my grandkids, when he almost drove off the road and then passed out. I had to call paramedics on this trip. Turns out he had pneumonia and was hospitalized. However, I found more prescription drugs in his shaving bag - one was his, and one was a female friend's from work. That was it and I ended contact. THEN, in November of this year he contacted me an d told me about going to rehab. We met for dinner. He cried. I was so happy that he finally did what I had always wanted. We started seeing each other again. I love him, and I wanted our future together just as we had always planned it. We didn';t see each other as much as I would like, but had frequent contact via text or phone calls. He was welcomed back into some family activities. Then, all of a sudden, no contact. After repeated attempts to contact him, I drove to his house. He was home, and answered the door opening it about 4 inches, stating I couldn't be there - I asked if he was in a new relationship and he said yes. I asked when he was going to tell me and he said this week (I doubt that) I am sure the new relationship is with the person that gave him unprescribed meds last year. My assumption now is that he relapsed, knew that I would know, but wanted to cover his bases with a woman, so moved her in.
    I am heartbroken again. 19 years of my life gone to this individual. I am physically sick.

  8. #8
    rmcguire8571 is offline New Member
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    Good for you. I have been dealing with my husbands drug problem for 8 years. He sobered up for Over a year, and then started using again 1 month ago. And is still using. U DO need to do what is best for your kids. They don't need to live in a home with a drug addict as a father figure. And I am someone that knows about addiction. I was addicted to me Meth. I hit rock bottom and realized my life needed to change and I went sober. I used for 4 years. (GGranted it isn't as long as most people, but the amount I used shocked my treatment center.) When I met my husband I had been sober for 6 months and he told me he was sober as well. which was just the beginning of his lies. it is possible to go sober and stay that Way without a relaps. I am proof of it. But the person has to want it. If they don't want it than it will never happen. The only reason I am working with my husband, who has been kicked out of the house now, is because we have 2 kids together. If we didn't I would move on and never look back.

  9. #9
    marktheshark is offline New Member
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    Been married for 35 years now, wife had back surgery 9 years ago. Doctor prescribed oxycodone and valium for past nine years (gabbapentin for a while - that's wicked stuff) and she has become addicted, preferring to stick with a doctor that will continue prescribing these drugs rather than attempting physical therapy. Alcohol has been added to the daily mix to help with the pain and she's basically been in bed for past 6 years. She has no desire to get out of bed, goes weeks without taking a shower, does no chores around the house, and just watches TV all day or use smartphone. Most of the children (6) are grown and out of house. They can't believe she won't do anything. We've talked and argued frequently (with her) about her doing nothing and needing to do more to help herself (she's 55 yrs. old). She's literally been in bed the past 6 yrs (except for monthly doctor visit for refills) and infrequent family gatherings, totally depends on oxy + valium + vodka, no socialization, and takes no blame for what's happened. She argues with the children and me about everything, especially when we try to address her health. I work full-time, sometimes traveling, and always come home to a house and yard that I have to take care of myself. She contributes nothing. The children have frequently held their hand under her nose to see if she's still breathing (while she seems to be sleeping). Between being in bed so long (muscle atrophy) and the V + O + V mixture, I can't see much of a future for her. I sympathize with people who deal with this problem for several years like this (as well as those for lesser times). There's no marriage in a case like this. Divorce is an option, but how would she take care of herself? She's always been a stay-at-home mother. I'm to the point where I'm trying to get on with my life - to keep my sanity. I'll go out and do what I want and I need to think of a future. This situation is so negative. I've done what I can - probably enabled too much, though. But I'm not going to let my life suffer more for this addiction. She sleeps during the day and is awake at night which is part of reason we don't sleep in same bedroom. She's contacted me twice in past 2 weeks - once to get her more vodka and once to get valium and oxy prescriptions filled.

  10. #10
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Mark,

    What can I say? Your kids are grown? You didn't do this to your wife and you can't and won't save her. From your post, I have to tell you Buddy, the door would be catching on my heels. I am a recovering addict. Yep. I have never worked less than 2 jobs and I shower at least once a day and change my clothes. I'm pretty tolerant of others but really???? You're young! Just because she's given up doesn't mean that you should sacrifice your life and happiness. I don't even have what it takes to give you my routine "take care of yourself, set boundaries....blah, blah, blah". Nope. If your description is accurate, I'd be out like trout. (Dumb saying, right?)

    Peace,

    Cat

  11. #11
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    I'm on a roll today. Sorry. If you decide to stick around stop supplying her vodka and running her errands. That much you can do,right? Tell her if those things are important enough, to get up and get them herself.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Iluv2smile and Krysmith78 like this.

  12. #12
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Mark, she very likely has an underlying depression. She needs comprehensive treatment on at least THREE fronts, possibly FOUR.

    1. Addiction
    2. Depression
    3. Complete physical evaluation including thyroid, anemia, and other root physical causes of depression, and for her back; she very well may still have a real physical root cause for pain. Depression cannot improve if there is chronic untreated pain.

    Possibly:

    4. Marriage counseling if you want to attempt to fix the marriage. It will require her being treated for the first three things.

  13. #13
    marktheshark is offline New Member
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    Cat,

    Thanks for the posts. It's good to see how others view this situation. You get into routines and long marriages and you don't anticipate car wrecks like this along the way. Yes, 60 isn't old when I'm in good health and think about what I want my next 20 years to look like. I appreciate a woman's perspective on this as well. There's another post below about 3 things to check for - and these are othe rissues I didn't go into detail about. My daughters (5 of them) have done extensive research and have good information supporting depression issues and poor health, which is a little more obvious in my first post. My wife won't go back to the endocrinologist because she knows the followup results will be bad - she did not follow up on any suggestions from the doctor, like exercise, proper nutrition, rest, reduced alcohol, etc. Thanks for "being on a roll".

  14. #14
    marktheshark is offline New Member
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    These are 3(4) very good points. The addiction is obvious - seven years on oxy + valium + vodka. Depression has also been discussed - it's not a white elephant in the room. She admits that. She went to an endocrinologist a couple years ago for a baseline test. She's constantly cancelled followup visits because she hasn't followed doctor's suggestions - exercise, nutrition, sleep, reduce alcohol, etc. I think these addiction issues have to be addressed before marriage counseling can take place - the most important thing in her life now is the prescriptions + vodka. Everything else is secondary. She doesn't even care about seeing her children and beautiful grandchildren. This has been compounded by huge credit card charges - just lying in bed with smartphone/internet/Amazon, etc. Credit card issues have been in past 8 months. I keep thinking about post from Cat - why am I still here? Think McFly - think! THank you for your advice!

  15. #15
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Yes it is a vicious cycle. She cannot follow the advice to exercise because depression DOES NOT allow you to be motivated enough to exercise. Depression drives you to escape into substances, the substances worsen the hormonal imbalance which reinforces the inability to get out of bed and exercise. All of these need to be addressed simultaneously, it is a vicious cycle and you have to interrupt the cycle at all levels.

    She is also using the credit card online purchases as endorphin enhancers, it too is an addiction.

    You are 60? You absolutely need to take over the money, you are going to be in the poorhouse at age 80 if you allow your wife to spend your retirement savings and/or keep you in debt. Cancel her credit cards, close the accounts. At this point you need to be concerned about YOUR survival in your old age. For your own future, put a cage around her, financially. If her name is on the joint accounts, you may need to take legal action to protect your own future.

    This really sounds like a urgent intervention is needed. It sounds like your children are knowledgeable and willing to try to help. Maybe you and all of them can collectively put your foot down. She needs INPATIENT care, she cannot quit alcohol and valium cold turkey, it could kill her. Yet you cannot continue to buy her Vodka and enable this situation.

    I think you can meet with your daughters and form a plan of action.
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  16. #16
    marktheshark is offline New Member
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    Very insightful - thank you for your comments. I didn't realize quitting alcohol and valium cold turkey could kill. The $ has been a recent surprise. I'll use these guidelines to protect myself. Depression, hormonal imbalances, cycles - this is new to me. Thanks for sharing your experience, however you came about getting it.

  17. #17
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Mark, you have received some good advice here. The one thing I wanted to suggest was instead of just leaving cold turkey that she may be helped most by you setting clear boundaries which she can choose to respect or ignore. You sound like a loving husband who has put up with more than you should have had to. But at the same time you HAVE been enabling her by allowing her access to these credit cards, buying her prescriptions and alcohol for her. I think at this point a fair response would be sitting down with your adult children and creating a timeline of expectations for your wife. Then all of you presenting it to her with the message that if she doesn't begin treatments, keep up with her doctors appointments, take care of her health, stop over spending (you fill in the rest) that you will have to leave and get on with your life. Set clear, reasonable dates for her to accomplish each thing. That allows her some power in the situation. She can choose to work on those things or let go of the marriage. It is her choice. Unless of course you are to the point where you are just going to leave no matter what then obviously I am not suggesting you give her false hope.

    I agree with what someone said above, stop buying her prescriptions and vodka. Or if she can't drive then at least insist that she clean up, get dressed and come with you to pick them up. Also (and I say this as a stay at home mom myself who depends on my husbands income) you need to take away her credit card access. Cancel them and open new ones if you need to. But don't allow her to sit there and make purchases. Tell her if she would like to go shopping you will take her someplace to shop. This will require her to be showered, and sober enough to leave the house.

    Just some thoughts I had, obviously I don't know your whole situation. So sorry you are going through this.

  18. #18
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Shelly,
    Nobody here can say for sure if this was the right decision or not. I might suggest hanging in there longer if you had kids together but since it sounds like your kids will go with you and his will stay with him then you will all be back to where you were in the beginning.

    On the surface it sounds like he wants to save the marriage and it would be temping to give him another chance at recovery. But I understand where you are coming from too, you have been hurt by his promises over and over. So you are not unreasonable to walk away at this point in my opinion.

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. If only there was an easy cure for addiction. It is my prayer that one day there will be. So many families and lives would be saved. I wish you the best whatever you decide in the long run.

  19. #19
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Krysmith78 - just a heads up, you are replying to posts that are two and four years old respectively!

    Mark hasn't logged in since August 9, 2015 and Shelly hasn't logged in since November 12, 2013!

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