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Making The Jump
  1. #31
    Holdinon is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unicorn74 View Post
    2nd day and checking in. Things are going really well, considering. I think I went through the hardest part yesterday and during the last month of my wean. I expected today to be worse!

    I'm able to sleep a lot, have no restless legs, less intense symptoms today and still no crying or feeling of extreme depression. And I have a decent appetite. I believe the most hellish part of the whole thing was when I got down and stuck at 40mg for a month or so, then the 8 days on 30mg before going CT. It was like each time I'd take a pill, it would spike my chemicals and bring SOME relief, then I'd experience an extreme drop in chemicals and go through mini withdrawls a few times throughout the course of each day and intense ones every evening, after my last dose wore off.

    Today is the first day I woke up feeling kinda normal in over a year. I'm still really drained and lethargic, having pain and chills, but going with the flow and very hopeful these are all good signs that I will be full of life again, sooner than later.

    My body, mind and soul was obviously screaming to me for help. If I hadn't joined this forum and gotten the encouragement from Cat and Thisweek to go ahead and jump, I'd still be caught in that vicious cycle. I'm so beyond relieved!! Thank you so much! It will be 48 hours in one-and-a-half hours. Hallelujah!!

    If anyone is reading this and feeling scared of going CT, stuck in a slow torturous wean, or just needing the comfort of some success stories - I truly hope mine can inspire you in some way. If I can do this, you can!
    Aaaaa thank you, thank you. I've been reading these forums every night and every morning. This is my first non-voyer action. I'm a 35 year old single mother of 2 boys. My addiction goes back 1.5 year with an extreme amount of opiates. I want to be right where you are, in the moment of when you wrote this, soooo bad. I want it more then I want any sort of high. Cat has done so much for me as well. Each story has. Crazy how a stranger can save my life or yours just thru words of truth about their struggle. Anyway, I see how these posts can get lenthy.I will be back with my story in I'm praying the next 2 weeks. I hope you will still be reading the forum. Congrats on your guts and strength to fight the good fight. It truley helps me more then you know.

  2. #32
    Holdinon is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unicorn74 View Post
    2nd day and checking in. Things are going really well, considering. I think I went through the hardest part yesterday and during the last month of my wean. I expected today to be worse!

    I'm able to sleep a lot, have no restless legs, less intense symptoms today and still no crying or feeling of extreme depression. And I have a decent appetite. I believe the most hellish part of the whole thing was when I got down and stuck at 40mg for a month or so, then the 8 days on 30mg before going CT. It was like each time I'd take a pill, it would spike my chemicals and bring SOME relief, then I'd experience an extreme drop in chemicals and go through mini withdrawls a few times throughout the course of each day and intense ones every evening, after my last dose wore off.

    Today is the first day I woke up feeling kinda normal in over a year. I'm still really drained and lethargic, having pain and chills, but going with the flow and very hopeful these are all good signs that I will be full of life again, sooner than later.

    My body, mind and soul was obviously screaming to me for help. If I hadn't joined this forum and gotten the encouragement from Cat and Thisweek to go ahead and jump, I'd still be caught in that vicious cycle. I'm so beyond relieved!! Thank you so much! It will be 48 hours in one-and-a-half hours. Hallelujah!!

    If anyone is reading this and feeling scared of going CT, stuck in a slow torturous wean, or just needing the comfort of some success stories - I truly hope mine can inspire you in some way. If I can do this, you can!
    Aaaaa thank you, thank you. I've been reading these forums every night and every morning for the past month. This is my first non-voyer action on this site. My first comment. I'm a 35 year old single mother of 2 boys. My addiction goes back 1.5 year with an extreme amount of opiates. I want to be right where you are, in the moment of when you wrote this, soooo bad. I want it more then I want any sort of high. Cat has done so much for me as well and I hope to chat with her at some point. Each and every story has help me realize I can do this. It is more crazy to continue using which brings no joy or happiness anymore then it is to quit because of an overwhelming fear of withdrawls/pain and so scared to actually FEEL what has happened in my life past year. It is also crazy how a stranger can save my life or yours just thru words of truth about their struggle. Anyway, I see how these posts can get lenthy.I will be back with my story in I'm praying so hard that i have the courage to go CT in the next 2 weeks and start my journey here with all of you. I hope you will still be reading the forum than. Congrats on your guts and strength to fight the good fight. It truley helps me more then you know.

  3. #33
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unicorn74 View Post
    Oh Ricky, you have no idea (or maybe you do) how uplifting your response is to me. I just got home from work, it was absolute hell, holding back tears the whole time, clumsy, almost fell a couple times, super low hopeless feelings. What you described is exactly what I'm going through. I've been hopeless, feeling helpless and POWERLESS. Thank you for giving me the hope and courage I so desperately need to hang on and keep on goin. I love mag citrate and happen to have some in my cupboard, great recommendation. Praying for the light to come! THANK YOU!
    Unicorn - how are you doing? It has been a few days since your last post, I hope everything is okay? Give us an update when you can? Be well... God bless us all!

  4. #34
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    Hi all, I've been unable to log in due to some tech issues with my devices. Testing..

  5. #35
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    Ok awesome, I was finally able to post after daaaaayyyysss!

    Today is Day 14. I've had a couple bright spots (just two) so far, but aside from that I'm still feeling very lost and like I'm existing through the days. Everything painful I've experienced throughout the last year is really difficult to process, right now. Now that I'm in a raw state, I'm feeling very defeated and wondering if life will ever feel full again. Or if I'll feel a sense of joy. I'm hoping and praying that I'm feeling depression and emptiness because it's only been two weeks. Some days are nearly unbearable to get through. I want so bad to live again. Feel some sort of spark. I'm scared.

  6. #36
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    I forgot to ask... Should I be concerned at this point?

    I haven't even been mentally strong enough to be alone, yet. Still staying with my friend.

  7. #37
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unicorn74 View Post
    I forgot to ask... Should I be concerned at this point?

    I haven't even been mentally strong enough to be alone, yet. Still staying with my friend.
    Uni - I wouldn't be concerned if I were you! I know that it's hard and I'm sure you're saying to yourself, am I ever going to get better, am I ever going to feel normal again?" That is exactly how I felt and exactly what I was thinking! It was pretty scary but it did get better! It took some time, I can't remember exactly how long before I really started to feel somewhat normal again but for me it definitely was several weeks, I think it was even over a month? Everyone is different as you know, just because it took me a long time to feel better doesn't mean it will take you as long! Stay the course, keep hydrated, eat healthy, take your vitamins (Magnesium Citrate), some form of exercise and lastly "stay positive"! Hang in there, it will get better! Take care... God bless us all!

  8. #38
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    Thank you for responding so quickly, Ricky! You've given me hope to hold onto. Even if it takes a month or so, it helps to have an idea of a timeline so I don't completely lose my mind. I've totally been feeling like this will never end and "how am I going to make it through ONE MORE DREADFUL DAY"! I wish I could just sleep the whole time. That's the only relief I get. Not even comedies make me feel better. And my level of disinterest is paralyzingly, so I haven't been able to exercise or be out in the world. So grateful for your response and support. Now that I'm able to log on, I'll be updating again soon.

  9. #39
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Are you staying steady on 1mg of klonopin? And have you started the antiviral? Still doing physical therapy?

  10. #40
    Bugsmomma is offline Member
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    Hi Unicorn,

    I'm new here and just wanted to say Congrats on your clean time!!

    I'm on day 3 cold turkey off a very low dose of oxy. I'm feeling ok.

    Hope you are doing great!!

    Much love,
    Bugsmomma

  11. #41
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    Day 18:

    Thisweek - I have mostly remained stable on the 1mg Klonopin, but there have been a few days I needed 2mgs. I started PT yesterday and had more strength than I've had for a long time, even during the last half of the year I was on Norco. I'm pretty wiped out today, not sore just fatigued. I was prescribed Valtrex for long-term antiviral treatment but could not tolerate it due to crazy increased anxiety and hopelessness (didn't read the side effect warning prior to taking it those two days and those are two of the days I needed more Klonopin). My doc said to stop immediately, which I already did, and prescribed me another antiviral called Famvir. I'm too fatigued to drive to the pharmacy to pick it up today.

    Holidinon - Way to go on taking the step past just being an onlooker. That really is what did it for me and helped me make the decision to get off those meds and do it fast. Thanks to all the great people and their support, on here.

    Bugsmomma - Great job, that's really cool you're feeling good at day 3. Thank you for the encouragement! Hope since your dose is a low one, you won't experience the nightmare myriad of symptoms in your detox.

    Yesterday was the FIRST day I felt myself coming back to life and was able to get some things done, and actually had some joy in doing so! Today, I have been alone for the first time all day and am able to remain pretty calm. I did have a panic stricken nap awakening, so I just got up and said forget it. I've been staying at a friend's house since Day 1 and am not certain yet if I will stay here at home tonight or not. Kinda feeling it out. I don't want to feel dependent on anyone, yet I want to honor my fragile kinda mental state, as well as physical. I'm mostly afraid of the emotional part, since the last two times I tried staying at home alone I had thoughts of suicide, had unrelenting anxiety and cried so hard with no physical comfort or support from anyone, so that turned out being really bad for me. We'll see how this goes...

    The physical pain and symptoms have really mellowed out, the psychological despair and anxiety seems to be mellowing out. I've had some sparks of inspiration, even if fleeting.

    The fatigue... Ugh. It is abnormal even for me. I have some energy for the first half or two-thirds of the day, then I feel like I just can't do anything and I mean ANYTHING. Like my energy is stripped from me by 6 or 7pm. After that, since I am having trouble taking naps (anxiety wakes me after a few minutes) all I can do is eat and eat and lay around. Sometimes too weak to even sit up. Does this sound familiar? Am I about right where I should be on the time line with all of this?

    Ricky and Thisweek, what do you think?

  12. #42
    Sumtin2hope4 is offline Member
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    Hi you guys! I hope everyone is doing ok! I posted my story on somebody else's thread yesterday.. But I'm on Day 5 and honestly I feel better than I have in a long time! I have been on pills for 5 years (the last 2 really bad) but I want you all to know how much this helped me through the toughest time of my life! If there is anybody out there reading this wondering how your going to make it through, PLEASE know that I promise it DOES get better! No matter how you slice it, it does suck, and it is hell but what kept me going is the comfort of knowing I NEVER have to feel this way again! im not gonna lie for me day 2&3 were the worst! On day 2 I couldn't even get out of bed for anything! Oh my god! I never thought I would have energy again! But TRUST me you will, each day that goes by you will get more energy! Yesterday for me day 4 was really hard emotionally, I was filled with anxiety! But my energy, my chills, my sweats, my stomach issues were all gone! And no I haven't slept much for me that has been the hardest part... BUT.. Last night I got 3 glorious hours of sleep!!! And I swear to god I feel soooo much better today! I'm up, I'm actually drinking coffee again im going to take a shower for the first time in 4 days ( I couldn't even get in the shower because I was too afraid of the cold getting out)

    Sorry for the long post, but just have faith in yourself and be strong! Visit these sights often! Because I know this is why I made it to day 5! You are NOT alone in this! And we will all get off this ##!!??** crazy train together!

    God Bless!!
    H

  13. #43
    Sumtin2hope4 is offline Member
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    Sorry! One more thing... Good job everyone! And Uni, try to get out for some excercise and not just lay around, it will make u feel better! I'm saying this from a long history with depression. I know how hard it is and I know I'm going to be fighting those demons as well and quite honestly that is the part im afraid of! I'm not afraid of the temptation of taking a pill, I'm afraid of the anxiety, and depression that I know I'm gonna be faced with! But then I keep telling myself it's only for a short amount of time, this time next year we will be back to our happy selves drug free!!!

  14. #44
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unicorn74 View Post

    Yesterday was the FIRST day I felt myself coming back to life and was able to get some things done, and actually had some joy in doing so! .

    The physical pain and symptoms have really mellowed out, the psychological despair and anxiety seems to be mellowing out. I've had some sparks of inspiration, even if fleeting.

    The fatigue... Ugh. It is abnormal even for me. I have some energy for the first half or two-thirds of the day, then I feel like I just can't do anything and I mean ANYTHING. ?
    The day of getting things done and the sense of finally feeling better is really good news. I was waiting to hear that from you. You are definitely recovering more slowly than most people and I think the fibromyalgia has everything to do with that. Fibromyalgia is so much more than just "painful muscles". It affects you mentally and especially your energy levels.

    It is so important when you have fibromyalgia to find that sweet spot in between too much activity and too little. For you, "exercise more" is not a cure all. Too much exercise triggers flares. On the other hand too little activity makes you weaker and weaker and it becomes very hard to drag yourself out of the hole, when you become deconditioned. The key is balanced activity within your daily tolerance. On a day you have PT you may not be able to do anything more. Pace yourself.

    (Sumtin, Unicorn here started a new thread and you probably didn't see that she has fibromyalgia because that was in the other thread, but your advice to exercise more is in general exactly correct!)

    Unicorn I think you are going to continue to get better and you will be very happy you're off the painkillers. The klonopin is the next hurdle but take your time and get stable before you tackle that. It's a whole nother kettle of fish.

    To help with fatigue, shely started a thread in Need to Talk asking the question. I'd love to hear advice about that myself, maybe you can post there and see if people stop by with suggestions.

  15. #45
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    Day 20:

    Hi everyone. Thank you, Thisweek, you're absolutely right - I am now trying to find the middle ground with being active and resting because of the Fibro. The great news is that the past couple days I've had more energy than I have in a loooonnng time. My doc at Stanford started me on another Antiviral (the first one made me terribly anxious and depressed, like I need any more of that!) and today is day 3 on it. I feel it already working in some ways, I'm blown away. It's giving me better sleep and helping my digestive issues (Fibro stuff). I feel like I'll be able to me more active, but I'm not going to go too fast too soon with the exercise. It took me two days to recover after PT.

    Through all of this, I have never wanted to take a pill and haven't even thought about it. That stuff really messed me up and I'm not interested in being messed up! I'm so thankful to have you guys and that we all have each other to get through the WDs. Thisweek, you've been so incredible and consistent in your support and feedback. I'm forever grateful!

    I saw my PC doc yesterday and discussed the Klonopin taper. She wasn't too keen on the Ashton Method but instead recommended that WHEN I'm ready, we reduce by .125mgs a week. I'll take it even slower if I need to. I'm going to hold off on that until I stabilize a little more, mentally. It seriously took 18-19 days to get that "lift" feeling everyone has described, and yep I agree it's taken me longer than most. Probably because I have a huge history of some pretty major anxiety. That is still lingering but the depression has lifted and I hope it doesn't come back.

    I'm finding interest in life again! Little by little, I'm so happy about this I can't express!! I'm getting goal and dream oriented again

    Thisweek, where is the place you suggested I post? I don't see a Need To Talk section.

  16. #46
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    Oh, I found it! I'm going to take a look.

  17. #47
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    You really have a good handle on this. So glad you are feeling better. I'm fascinated by the anti-viral approach to Fibro, is this experimental?

  18. #48
    Sumtin2hope4 is offline Member
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    Good morning guys! Uni, that is FANTASTIC news!! I'm so encouraged by you!! It is 9:00 am on day 7 for me and I just woke up!! I slept last night for 9 glorious hours!
    Thisweekforsure likes this.

  19. #49
    Sumtin2hope4 is offline Member
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    Thank you guys again for posting your stories! This site has truly been the reason why I have made it to day7!!!

    We got this!!!! Stay strong and have a great day!!!


    H

  20. #50
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    Thisweek, they are treating with Antivirals because they believe various viruses to be at the root of what may cause "mystery illnesses" like CFS/ME and Fibromyalgia. My Epstein Barr viral load is pretty high and has been consistently so. Their theory is that if you treat with AVs long-term, it will eventually get the viral cells to die off. At first these drugs stop them from attaching to new cells and multiplying, then eventually have nowhere to go - that's my interpretation of the medical explanation I got. Dr. Montoya's team at Stanford have gotten about an 80% success rate, with their patients. It can take up to a year and more to achieve the goal. They said if the drug was working, I would know within 3 months. There are other viruses they tested for and a couple of them showed up in my bloodwork, as well. There may be something to this and I'm hoping so! Especially since modern medicine has no other explanation as to what Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and/or Fibromyalgia really is - those are just the terms they slapped on to label symptoms. If you're interested in finding out more, definitely google it. There are forums where a lot of people have success stories with AVs.

    Sumtin, keep on truckin!! You're on your way! I didn't believe it when I was in the trenches of acute withdrawals, but if things are improving for me, even little by little, they will improve for you! I held on to faith in the words of those who have come out on the other side, on here. The support, information and positive encouragement really kept me going and kept me as sane as possible!
    Thisweekforsure likes this.

  21. #51
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    Something I need advice on, maybe need to post in Need to Talk... I had the opposite effect during WDs, where I slept 10-12 hours a night. It's only now that I'm having sleep issues and although I'm tired, I just haven't been able to sleep, stay asleep, or sleep enough. If I try to take a nap, I wake up in a full blown panic attack. Any ideas or suggestions?

  22. #52
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    I will google that. I agree, a virus is one likely cause for these conditions.

    The sleep may take a while to return. You may be having a delayed reaction but two things, first, it's normal to have sleep problems for a long time after stopping an opiate and two, it's normal to have sleep problems with fibromyalgia. I've always had sleep problems my whole life, don't know why. I've finally had great success using herbal supplements. Melatonin NO MORE than 3 mg!! Valerian root, hops, kava, camomile, lemon balm, and others, including some of the amino acids. You can seek a QUALITY formula for these things either single or in combination and do your research. It took me a while to find the right products and combinations but now I sleep better than I have in decades.

  23. #53
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    Thank you for sharing what's been helping you, Thisweek. I'm going to do some research. I definitely need something, the fatigue from lack of quality sleep is making it very hard to get through the days and do things I'm obligated to do. In doing some reading about Famvir, the Antiviral I'm on now, some of the side effects are sleepiness, tiredness, insomnia, etc. Well that's just great :/

  24. #54
    Stell76 is offline Junior Member
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    Just wanted to say keep up the good work Uni...well done on 20 days of drug freedom...be easy on yourself and pat youre back at least three times a day lol

  25. #55
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unicorn74 View Post
    Thank you for sharing what's been helping you, Thisweek. I'm going to do some research. I definitely need something, the fatigue from lack of quality sleep is making it very hard to get through the days and do things I'm obligated to do. In doing some reading about Famvir, the Antiviral I'm on now, some of the side effects are sleepiness, tiredness, insomnia, etc. Well that's just great :/
    I myself have had trouble sleeping the past few nights. My favorite Valerian root brand was discontinued and I had to go with another brand. It doesn't seem to be working as well and the dose per capsule was smaller so I guess that explains it. The bottle says take 1-3 capsules but last night I took 6. That worked! Unlike prescription or OTC meds, supplement doses are NOT regulated nor precise. Very often the suggested dose is way under an effective dose. The other problem with Valerian root is that due to high demand, it's becoming difficult for companies to get high quality supplies. It's a moving target. If you need sleep right away and can't take time to research, might just buy some at your local supplement store or even the grocery/pharmacy, and it might take a handful of them to work. Beware, what I said about dose does not apply to melatonin, you do not want to take more than 3 mg of melatonin.

  26. #56
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    Hi Stell! Thank you for your post, it lifted my spirits. I've been beating myself up mentally and I just logged in to post about the blahs I'm having and still just not feeling a part of life, yet. I go between frustrated to bored to feeling down on myself. Day 24, though!! I've had a few ok days in there, energy and mood wise.

    This week, you're awesome! I'm going to get on this Valerian and Melatonin action. Can you take them together? Knowing me and my sensitivities to medications and supplements, I'll start off lower than the suggested dose and work up from there. Now the tricky part is getting out of the house to go get some. The past two days I've been extremely fatigued and having to go easy on my body, so I'm going to call around and see where they have these in stock and ask my friend to pick some up for me.

    Some things I need to get off my chest and put out there instead of keep inside on their hamster wheels in my brain. I guess this is basically more to my story:

    So far, I've come a long way... BUT my anxiety is relentless and I still haven't been brave enough to "move back home" - meaning, I've been staying with a friend through this process because I live alone and knew I'd need a lot of support, both mental and physical. And I don't want to isolate. I've tried going home twice and have extreme panic attacks and constant anxiety. Clearly not ready :/ I work two days a week as a bar tender and that can be so mentally and physically taxing, but there were two work shifts I actually enjoyed so there's a light! I was going to school for art and had to withdraw to do the CT jump. I don't regret that one bit. I didn't want to wait another day to get myself back!! Another thing is a few months prior to going CT, not only did I start my wean but I ended my relationship with someone I loved VERY much. What started out as a beautiful relationship, "the one" I thought, turned into something so dark and destructive. He became verbally abusive at first, then after I found out he was carrying on with a couple other women and lying to me, he became physically abusive. We were living together and had plans for marriage and a family. I was so in love. I'm so proud of myself for leaving but it has left me very empty feeling. That combined with the detox is like a double whammy in the lack of joy department. So... Now I'm kind of in this weird limbo phase. I feel like a shell of the person I once was. I'm hoping the post detox downer feelings lighten up sooner than later. There is a lot of heavy stuff I'm dealing with, emotionally. Just having a hard time and feeling alone. You guys are big rays of sunshine when the world seems dull or dark.

    Any suggestions, support or just any kind of response would be so helpful today! So grateful for all of you!

  27. #57
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    27 days opiate free. I wish I could say the anxiety has lessened but it hasn't. That and the lack of joy are still lingering. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks, so I'm hoping things will lighten up soon. I'm feeling pretty frustrated and down. Still very glad I made the decision to rid myself of opiates. Looking forward with faith to better days and feeling normal again.

  28. #58
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unicorn74 View Post
    27 days opiate free. I wish I could say the anxiety has lessened but it hasn't. That and the lack of joy are still lingering. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks, so I'm hoping things will lighten up soon. I'm feeling pretty frustrated and down. Still very glad I made the decision to rid myself of opiates. Looking forward with faith to better days and feeling normal again.
    Uni - congratulations on 4 weeks off the opiates! I'm sorry that you are still feeling the way you are. It did take me some time to feel better, it could of easily been a couple of months, I can't remember exactly? It was the the worse for me, the depression and anxiety wouldn't go away and I was scared that it wouldn't! It did get better eventually, I still have some bouts with anxiety and panic attacks from time to time but usually doesn't linger around too long thank God! Hang in there and keep the faith. Take care Uni... God bless us all!

  29. #59
    Unicorn74 is offline Member
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    Thank you Ricky, I feel that way - like the anxiety will never end. I've become too anxious to leave the house except for work two days a week and too anxious to be totally alone. The non-stop anxiety is spiraling into a depression and I just don't know how to hold on anymore. I'm merely existing. It's completely unbearable to go to work and I don't even know how much longer I can do any of this. I wish I had something positive to share, I really hoped things would get better as time goes on...

  30. #60
    Jules91 is offline Junior Member
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    Unicorn... I'm 2 weeks I and feeling the same way you are. I keep telling myself it's going to get better. I know it will!!! Keep posting and reading others posts that's the only support I have right now. I have all the faith in the world that you can get thru this. Everyone is in different phases but we are all trying to be free of a terrible addiction. You just keep your head up and remember you have more support than you know.

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