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My addiction
  1. #1
    duncanm is offline New Member
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    Default My addiction

    Hello, I am on day 6 of detox off of opana and oxycodone. It has been very difficult, Monday and Tuesday were terrible. Constant thoughts of suicide, self loathing, worthlessness, a sense that everything i have ever done has been for wrong and selfish reasons. That everything i do is wrong, every situation i handle is wrong. Just a very depressed state. I am going through this alone. I am scared to tell anyone in my family what i have been up to for the last 4 or 5 years. I have kept it my secret for a while now. Some days i feel like i have seen my best days and i am on the downward spiral to a miserable death and other days i feel faint glimmers of hope. My father was a life long addict and died from an overdose years ago. Back then i was on top of the world. Started my own business, married with a growing family, good credit, nice car, and a bright and optimistic future ahead. It happens so fast, you take the first pill and it almost feels like a better more productive version of yourself. But then the feeling is lost and more is needed. Then you just think about when the next script will be filled, how to time things so i can take my pills for different situations, ya know to make me a better me, but all the while i am in a constant fog, a non reality, a spectator watching the rest of the world function with a negative and distorted view of it. Desperately wanting to be part of the human race and feel hopeful again, feel optimistic again, feel alive again, be a better father, be a better spouse, be a better brother, be a better uncle, be a better friend, be a better grandson, be a better person. I don't want to lie, i don't want to be moody, i don't want to feel the way i am feeling anymore. I know the only way i will feel better is if i continue not using yet this little monster in my head wont let up. I have an appointment with my pain dr tomorrow and i honestly don't know what i am going to do. The angel tells me stay the course i am on, it's been 6 days and today feels better, then the devil chimes in and tells me one little pill now and then, you can control it. I know i cant. I am in agony. I am thankful for all i have. I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful for my experiences. I am thankful and blessed in so many way. I am thankful i found this forum. I guess what i am getting at here is i need some support to stay strong tomorrow and tell my pain dr what i have been up to and let him know i have a problem so i cannot get anymore scripts filled. Thanks and it has really helped reading all of your stories. It is nice to know i am not alone and other people have succeeded in beating this monster. Thanks for any help and taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.

  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Welcome!

    You are most definitely at a crossroads here and have a firm understanding of the consequences if you get another script. Wish I could count the times that I thought I'd use that one last script to taper. Big haha there! Some people can taper and I finally accepted the fact that I could not. Period. I hope you find the strength to leave that script at the doctor's office. The physical stuff is all but past you by now. You probably will experience some anxiety but it comes and goes. My tummy issues persisted for a few more days but Immodium took care of that and although this is way too much information, I was kinda grateful for the cleansing, if you know what I mean.

    Even with the anxiety, I so much enjoyed the clarity. I loved knowing that I wasn't having to count my pills to be sure I could work the following day. I was tired, but I wasn't sick. I'm an old gal but oddly, I hadn't realized that I had stopped admiring men! That returned and color me surprised.

    Let us know what you decide to do. I am going to pray that you choose to slam that door and move forward one day at a time.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Pixiepoxie and duncanm like this.

  3. #3
    Kellyann2u is offline New Member
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    Hi, I hope your apointment goes well tomorrow. If you can do it then I know I can. Your story gives me hope. It sounds sad and hard an horrible, but I barley have my good in the door of being addicted to pain pills, so I'm in search for help in Quiting be for im in to deep. I only take 3 to 5 a day for about a year.. Real consistent past 4 months or so, and I'm feeling like I can't quit. So if you get thru this pain appointment tomorrow and dont get that scrip filled, them tomorrow is deffinatly the day I thro the pills in the toilet instead one my mouth! So please hang in there and keep trying. You give me hope.
    duncanm likes this.

  4. #4
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Hey, duncanm.....

    Oh, if only I could show you a quick flashback of my experience.....you would NEVER get that script filled.

    I was on oxy for 3 years or so.....quit a couple of times, then REALLY quit.....and did so for 15 months.

    And then, last March, I thought....hey, I've beaten this....one pill won't hurt. I spiraled down so fast, I swear I picked back up within a few weeks to much more than before.

    I have never had an addiction problem before oxy. And I am one of those 70's teens that tried everything.....NEVER did anything grab me like oxy. And at the ripe age of 50. These drugs that screw with your brain receptors are lethal.

    Sooooo......if you have made it to day 6....I would say.....exercise, eat well, stay busy....any move on with your life.

    Keep us posted.....oh, I'm 2 months 18 days clean this time, and I hope, the last....... I just do not have another day 1 in me......
    Iluv2smile, duncanm and Catrina like this.

  5. #5
    duncanm is offline New Member
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    I am not sure what is going on with me but as the day goes on i am feeling better and better. Hopeful, strong, clearheaded, focused and determined. i am scared this feeling will be gone tomorrow and i will feel despair again. I guess either way i know i can feel these things about myself and my life and that will hopefully give me strength during this process, knowing i have it in me to have positive feelings again. Three things occurred today. I spent about three hours trolling this group and its posts. Such a relief i am not alone in this struggle. Second is for the first time in a loooong time i prayed. Or more like begged god for help, a sign, something. I thanked him for all of my blessings and promised i can be a better person. I just need help and i am willing to accept it. So i have decided and declare i WILL NOT get that prescription filled. I will tell my dr i am addicted. And i will be 7 days sober tomorrow. Thank you all and believe me if i can make it to day 7 of this hell i promise you can. Everyone thinks there story is the worst. We are all fighting the same demons.. If one of us can do it, all of us can do it.
    CjRivera13 and Catrina like this.

  6. #6
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Exactly Duncanm!!! The worst is already behind you and now is the time. Don't move backwards or next week, next month, next year, you'll be wishing for these 6 clean days back. It is a cycle that doesn't end until you end it. We want off! I read the excitement in your words. The hope. That's what it's all about, my friend. That one moment of clarity and you want to chase more and more of them.

    Update us tomorrow. I'll be watching for you.

    Peace,

    Cat

  7. #7
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Good for you..
    Because like Cat said that moment of clarity and gratitude is yours to keep as long as you stay clean..
    The possibilities are endless..
    Pick up that prescription and the story has already been written..
    Because it is always the same..
    Jails, intuitions or death..
    Doesn't matter who or where you are it never gets better or easier..
    You are 6 days clean..
    You know how many addicts never get 6 hrs clean?
    We are chosen to give the addicts in active addiction hope..

    Hope was given to us
    Now it is up to us to pass it on..
    That way we stay hopeful, happy and content!

    Life is soooo much better from this side!
    Take care
    Bette
    Last edited by Anonymous; 10-28-2015 at 11:53 PM.
    CjRivera13 likes this.

  8. #8
    duncanm is offline New Member
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    Thanks for all the kind words and support. It means alot to me. I slept good last night. I did take a two motrin pm and a half dose of zquil. I woke up feeling pretty good today. Positive thoughts have replaced the thoughts of hopelessness. I feel good with my self, about my self, and just want to be a better person and make a positive impact in the lives around me. I have no doubt i will be talking to my dr today about what has been going on and no longer taken the script. I still have the negative thoughts pop up but they are so easily pushed aside and replaced with thoughts of how blessed i am and have been, how fortunate i have been, how many good things i have done and have had done. I am feeling great for the first time in i dont know how long and dont want it to end. Day 7.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 10-29-2015 at 07:04 AM.
    silverlining1 and Catrina like this.

  9. #9
    duncanm is offline New Member
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    So, I just got back from my pain management doctor appointment and i told them i am done. They were very happy for me and offered me some pills to ween. I thanked them and said i didn't need it. I feel great. A little tired and still have some flu like symptoms, but i think the worst is over. All of you who have posted on this group have my gratitude. Reading all of your stories has helped me so much. In fact i cant seem to shake the positive feelings i have. I feel reborn. I know i still have a long road ahead but my confidence is pretty high and i truly believe i can beat this. I was out and about today running errands and felt great interacting with people, not thinking negative thoughts about everyone and everything. I felt normal i guess. Thank you all for your stories, comments, and support.
    justmekw and silverlining1 like this.

  10. #10
    justmekw is offline Member
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    I commend you for stopping and turning down your script. Both of those pills are highly addictive. I'm 6 weeks clean and getting out of the house and staying busy helps a lot. Even days when I didn't want to leave the house I made myself.
    silverlining1 and duncanm like this.

  11. #11
    duncanm is offline New Member
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    Day 8 of no pills and i feel good. Sleep comes difficult. So i take a little zquil or tylenol pm. But i sleep well and wake up feeling good. Waking up used to be the worst. It was almost like i wished i would die in my sleep and i would be disappointed when the morning came. stressed, overwhelmed, scared of everything, hating myself. So here i am day 8 and feeling hopeful and wanting to live my life to the best of my abilities. Every morning i wake up and thank god for all of my blessings and i apologize for all i have done wrong. I make a promise to be the best person i can be for today and start my day. I know i will have ups and downs but i feel like i can handle these things now. Before on the pills i was paralyzed over everything. Now i can just function and i love it!. Thanks again to everyone who has contributed to this forum. It has helped me so much reading all of your stories.... love and respect to all of you...

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