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My boyfriend is relapsing & in denial
  1. #1
    pilotavenue is offline New Member
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    Default My boyfriend is relapsing & in denial

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months now and he is an amazing guy. He is the person I have always pictured for myself and I feel lucky to have finally found him. I am 35 and he is 33. For about 5 years he was addicted to opiates/pain pills, with Roxys being his drug of choice. He ended up getting setup by a girl he knew and got arrested for possession of Dilaudid, getting probation, violating for dirty urine, and doing 7 months in jail. I met him shortly after he came out of jail so he had been sober for just over 7 months. I am not an addict and never have been but I've done my share of drugs and have experience with pain pills personally and also have friends who are in recovery, have gone through rehab, have years of clean time etc.

    For about a month he was attending meetings everyday. He had some slip ups, once with Percocet that he took from his dad, then a few Xanax, then on to the Blues. He was still attending meetings but not owning his usage and telling his sponsor or anyone else. He told me he was not anywhere near how he once was and was just wanting to do it "once in a while." I told him he could very easily fall back into who he used to be and that he can't do drugs at all. His usage really upsets me because it makes him into someone else with the nodding, itching, mumbling, etc. Not to mention the cost of drugs and the unhealthy lifestyle that it belongs to. It takes him away from me and makes him a shell of himself, and we can't have sex which bothers me as well. After he used a few times I told him I could not be in a relationship with someone who was actively using. Twice this week he took Tramadol, saying his back hurts and it's "non narcotic." But in reality he only took it to get high. So this week he has used FOUR TIMES. Last night he took a pill at 10:30, I noticed the switch in him pretty much right away but he denied it. So at 2:30am two hours after we went to bed he was keeping me up with his constant facial itching so I called him out and went to sleep on the couch, he followed me out asking why I was mad and I told him to please just leave me alone. I get tired of talking about the same issue and I was exhausted. At 5:30am he woke up and came out to the couch, saw that I was awake and asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was thinking and could not sleep and that I couldn't be with him anymore. He tried to deny being high. I back tracked him and told him to stop lying to me and he admitted it. He said he didn't think I'd notice, that he only took a small amount, that it's "Friday." We talked for a long time and he said I should hold his money for him so he can't buy anything, asked me to please stay with him and support him through this, that he does want to be clean and live a healthy normal life with me, start a family next year, etc.

    I care about him a lot and I want to be with him. I would love to be able to help him get clean and stay that way. I understand people make mistakes and can have slip ups along their journey but he needs to own those mistakes and know that he is NOT in control, that he is an addict and his old ways can easily become his norm again. His dad is 85 years old and has meds in the house and when he has been going there the past few weeks he takes something. He can't control himself. I don't want to babysit him but I do want to be supportive and help any way that I can. I feel like it's a tricky spot. I want to stand my ground at the same time. If he doesn't get back on the right path I will have to walk from the relationship.

    Any advice on how to help or thoughts on the situation are appreciated.

  2. #2
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Welcome to the forum. I will tell you that Tramadol is now a scheduled 4 narcotic. It may not be as strong as other opiates, but it's just as addictive. Stopping has to be done carefully with a slow taper or the risk of seizures is very real. Been there on that one.

    I understand the love you have for him, but the pull of those pills is very strong. It has him choosing between you and them quite often if not always. You know this, you're very smart. I know it's all the lies that really hurts because I did the same to my GF and she finally had enough and walked out of my life for good. That's what it took for me to finally realize I must change my life. And I did.

    Can you get him involved again in NA or AA meetings? That will make a difference, but first he has to WANT to get clean. If he doesn't want it for himself you're fighting a losing battle I'm afraid. Meetings saved my life and they could his also if he will go. He needs to go everyday of the week for a while. So many excuses not to go, but one good one for going - to save his life speaking face to face with others in the same situation. He needs a sponsor to hold him accountable just like I did and do.

    Maybe get a home drug test kit from the pharmacy and test him routinely to prove he's telling the truth about using. Tell him you'll begin testing him randomly when you feel like it. If he ever balks you'll know what's up. You'll have to make decisions how you want to handle that.

    Hope this helps and I wish you well with this. Let us know what happens.

    -Randy
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  3. #3
    Melina123 is offline Senior Member
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    Hello and Welcome,
    Randy gave you some info and in his sweety pie way...
    Im just wondering since you said you are not an addict, but had been to rehab, what you are counting on as far as this is concerned? Like are you willing to become Warden/Jailor/Parent? I see lots of these posts and many times the poster even says they are not interested in leaving and they just want to know what their lives will be like...
    >> suggest you go over to the Needs To Talk forum here and find the thread that is titled Addiction and I don't understand. You can pick any page, and just read. Its not partners of addicts, its parents of addicts. I happen to be an addict in recovery with a son who is an h addict. So I get the best of both worlds...
    I am new to recovery, so the part of my life I was like your bf is fresh in my mind. First off, I never "meant" to hurt my family. However, I did, over and over and over again. the active addict's brain is in survival mode if the drugs are stopped. It tells them all sorts of cunning and persuasive things to keep the drugs coming. Its not that hes crazy by any means. He probably hates what hes doing. Im sure he loves you. But an addicts number ONE priority is feeding the need. Period. Notice he went to jail, and went back. Its like a special form of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, and thinking you can control it, but getting the same result. Jails, institutions, and death.
    So, what will your role in his life be as long as he doesn't want to quit? (or wants to quit but "not that much") Well, you will be second, always, to the drug. Your money, sex life, etc...down the tubes. Worry, worry, worry, try to "help" til you are sicker than he is. Yes I sound mean, but honestly, I KNOW. Absolutely no other ending if he stays on this course. I never went to jail other than a few hours in a sitting area similar to a dmv office. I was escorted by my atty to the door and basically treated like I was there by accident. I didn't stop either for 5 more years. Your bf did 7 months, and that didn't stop him. Think on that for a few mins. He isn't ready to stop apparently.
    I don't tell others what to do in their situation. Its not for me to say. I simply gave you MY raw truth. Been there on both sides. Neither is fun. However, my "addict" is my son. I cannot simply walk away.....if you have kids with this man, they inherit genes from him that could lean them in this direction. Then the real he!! starts. If I had known what I know now, back in the day when his addict father was a 'bad boy" who I loved, >> have run like crazy. But that's me. You have to choose your path. If you want to stay with him, then Ive outlined some of what it will be like. Good luck to you and I say that with my best intentions and hopes for your future. Wish I could say oh it will be ok, he will get over it. ...
    If I can answer any questions or help you understand anything further, Im over on Needs to Talk under Mels STory.
    Hope I helped in some small way,
    Mel
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  4. #4
    pilotavenue is offline New Member
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    Thank you both for your replies, I appreciate them both very much.

    Mel, I see that the way I explained it, it looks as though I have been to rehab but no I have not been myself, I have just had experience with it through friends who have gone through the process.

    This week has gone well. Although on Wednesday we picked up a Xanax prescription for his dad and in the car on the way to drop it off he asked if I wanted one. I found my 5 year old dog dead from a seizure on Monday night, so he assumed I was having anxiety. Of course I said no, firstly because I have no desire to do drugs, nor I do have anxiety, and secondly because it would be unfair for me to use while I am telling him not to. His response to that was that he could do it if he wanted to, he could handle it. That he was thinking "once a week on Fridays" he could use. I was caught off guard for sure. We have had this conversation 3 times now. I do not believe he should use at all. He goes back and forth from admitting he has a problem and is out of control, to the other side of the spectrum, saying he can control himself and use once a week and be fine. I reminded him that last time he tried that he ended up using 4 times in a week and this was basically last week. I wish I could understand this feeling he has better and I wish that I could get through to him about this.

    But yes as Mel said, he loves drugs more than he loves me. I do believe that he is a good person and possesses tons of wonderful qualities, ones I have wanted in a man for a very long time. I do want to stick with him and be supportive. But if he does continue to use and does not clean up his act, for himself than this relationship will go nowhere. I can not live that lifestyle. As much as it will be sad and be difficult, I will need to place myself first and be selfish, as he is doing by choosing the drugs over me.

    Again, thanks for the replies. If anyone has words of wisdom on how to be positive and supportive and try to help him get passed this I am open to all suggestions.

    Thanks everyone and have a great weekend! It is Friday and truth be told I am nervous. I hate the feeling and will not put myself through many more if he doesn't stay clean through this weekend and beyond.

  5. #5
    1DaysPay is offline Junior Member
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    Hi and welcome.
    Its very hard to convey to a non user what he is going through. The thurst is something you will never understand unless you have been there. He may not 'love' it more than you, but he will do whatever he needs to do in order to get that fix. He will lie, cheat and steal. His mind will convince him why its ok to do it, and furthermore, try to convince you his reasoning for doing it (pending hes just not lying and hiding it from you). You really need to understand that HE WILL NOT STOP unless he TRULY WANTS TO. It takes tremendous willpower, support, and strength to get through the detox process, and stay clean. The talks you have with him will not make any difference unless you leave him. Then maybe he will see what these drugs do to your life. They slowly consume everything. They consume the people and loved ones, the money in your account, the credit on the cards, the electronics you can pawn. Cant pay for rent, he will stop eating to afford to score, You name it. IT WILL ALL BE GONE! I've been there, many of us have. I am not trying to scare you, just trying to be honest and warn you what to expect if you are considering a future with an addict..

    He needs to see how the drugs are controlling him, sometimes it happens on its own and he will see for himself...or you need to just walk out and hope that he realizes what he lost will be worth changing his lifestyle for. And get clean and fight to get it back. It really is a (another word for poopie) situation, and the fight can be exhausting. Honestly, unless he wants it, you are fighting a loosing battle. I dont know how else to put it. I really wish you two the best of luck and happiness, and that he gets clean for you before its too late..

    An addict cannot just choose to use once a week, that is a deathcry if I ever heard one. The self control is close to impossible.

    As I have read on here a few times "1 is too many and 1000 is not enough."

    Reach out if you have any questions. We are here to help. We were all where he is now, once upon a time. We've lived the nightmare - it is a living hell.

    Stay strong.

    1dayspay
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-30-2018 at 05:05 AM.

  6. #6
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    He ended up getting setup by a girl he knew and got arrested for possession of Dilaudid, getting probation, violating for dirty urine, and doing 7 months in jail.[/quote]

    Be careful not to blame the girl who set him up. He went to jail because of his own illegal actions.

    He had some slip ups, once with Percocet that he took from his dad,

    His dad is 85 years old and has meds in the house and when he has been going there the past few weeks he takes something.
    He steals medications from an 85 year old man.

    that he does want to be clean and live a healthy normal life with me, start a family next year, etc.
    He steals medications from an 85 year old man. Don't assume he will prioritize his baby any better.

    We talked for a long time and he said I should hold his money for him so he can't buy anything, asked me to please stay with him and support him through this,
    He has given YOU his problem. YOU are supposed to hold his money and be responsible for keeping him from buying. He is making YOU responsible for giving him support so he can beat this. I think the addicts on this board will tell you this plan never works. He has to own it.


    Sweetie, you already know deep down what you need to do because you stated it here three times. You are healthy enough and you have enough self respect that you are aware of this. You do not strike me as a co-dependent enabler; you have too much insight but you are stuck because you are in love. I understand you really want to help him. I am an old lady, I have seen people like you at your age with a man like your man, and I have seen how it goes from here for the next 20 years. You keep believing that his recovery is just around the corner. You keep thinking you can help him and support him in finding and staying on the right path. The truth is, there is nothing you can do to get him sober. Only HE can do that.

    As Randy and others here show, addicts CAN recover and be good people. But you are responsible for your future baby, and your own health and well being. To that end you must step back and let him deal with his problem. He must fully embrace his own responsibility for all of it.

    It was not the girl who set him up that sent him to jail, it was HIM, it is not you who can fix him, it is HIM, pills are not something he can take once in a while, he can NEVER take them. He must admit he is an addict and fully embrace recovery, then prove with several years clean before you should even consider having a future with him.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-30-2018 at 05:05 AM.
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  7. #7
    1DaysPay is offline Junior Member
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    Thisweekforsure, you nailed it on the head here. I don't think anyone could have conveyed the reality of the situation better than you have for Pilotavenue and the many others who are in her shoes. Hopefully many others read your response and can learn more about the reality of this addiction.

    Great insight, perspective, and advice.

    God bless.

    1dayspay
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  8. #8
    1DaysPay is offline Junior Member
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    Just checking in and seeing how youre doing.

  9. #9
    pilotavenue is offline New Member
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    Hello.

    Well things got much worse before they got better and now they are declining once again. What a real life roller coaster this is.

    He started using more and more until it was about 5 times a week. Lies, stealing, spending every dollar, even getting pills fronted to him so much that his entire paycheck was spent before he ever had it in his hand. It was horrible. He is a veteran so I kept bringing up going down to the VA and getting on Subutex/Suboxone. His father is 86 years old and has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, which is now basically in his entire body. He is confined to a hospital bed in his living room and has had two stays in Hospice in the past 4 weeks. So with all that my boyfriend did make his trip to the VA, I went with him. He was approved for his PTSD claim and is now awarded a good amount of disability each month. He was also placed on Subutex which he started taking immediately. The VA appt was on a Thursday, that Saturday he cheeked his meds in the morning in front of me and spit it out when I was not looking. I found it later on the floor of his truck after seeing that he was high that evening. He got really upset and said that he was so stupid he wasn't even enjoying the high and he didn't know why he did it. From there he was sober for two weeks which was amazing! He kept saying how happy he was, how great he felt, how normal he felt when he woke up not tired and irritable. I would go to work and not worry that he would be high when I got home. He got a large disability check for his back pay and we used the money to buy a new TV and other things for the house, he got my hair done, bought some things for his truck and did a lot of work on it. He kept saying how proud he was of himself for not spending the money on drugs! I had already thought that for days, I was truly so proud.

    So boom the two weeks go by and he gets high. I was crushed. Then he got high the next day. Then twice again the following week, then this Friday and again last night. So last night I made dinner and we ate together and when he was done I started to talk to him. He pretty much shut down right away. He got aggravated and tried to deny it. There has never been a time I have accused him of being high when he was not and he knows that so he did admit it. He said who cares if he uses? That he has money coming this week from his disability. His whole paycheck is already gone because he went to the dealer Friday and he owed me $100. And now here he is in debt to the dealer once again. I told him I need time away from him and he needs to decide what he wants to do. I was trying to ask him if he thinks he set himself back by using once he started with the subs. At this point I am really upset because he now has the tools that he needs to stay clean, yet he chooses to use anyways. He said last night he is just a stupid junkie and in his mind he thinks everything is going really good with his life right now. That his brain still wants to do it sometimes. Sometimes is too much. If he had one or two slip ups I could understand that of course because this is a life long challenge. But it has been far too many times in a short period, progressively getting worse.

    Being in love with an addict has been one of the most trying experiences of my life. I love him so much but I will no longer stand there and ENABLE him while he self destructs. I can not force him to be clean, be a functioning part of society, etc. I can not continue to stress myself beyond belief, looking in his wallet, checking his phone and his phone records, blocking his dealer's phone number (every dealer has more than one phone anyways...)

    So that is where I am now. I miss him and it has not even been a day. I am so disappointed with him and I feel very alone and defeated.

    I have read so many posts and threads on here, scoured the internet, read articles and books to understand more about opiate addiction, but I will never truly "get it" because I am not an addict. I would love for him to heal himself and get well.

  10. #10
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there..
    I am sorry you are going through this..
    Do you really love him now?
    Or are you in love with the person he was?
    We can have this ideal in our minds that blocks the bad out..
    Do you love him
    Lying
    Stealing
    Itching
    Nodding?
    Because isn't that what he is doing now?

    Unfortunately he loves the pills
    More than you
    And more than himself..
    That is the nature of this very self centered
    Self endulging
    Self entitled
    Disease?

    He will not change till he looses enough either within himself
    Or
    Enough Physical stuff
    To be done..
    You need to get up and go..
    Do you really want to be second choice to a pill?

    Until he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired
    Nothing will change..
    If nothing changes
    Nothing changes..

    You are young
    Smart
    Have great insight!
    Run for the
    Hills
    Mountain
    Ocean
    Wherever is the farthest..

    Before you have a baby
    And also before you have made
    Major purchases with him..
    In other words
    While you still can run..

    Please get some support for yourself..
    Alanon or Naranon..
    So you can see what the attraction was..
    Until you see the need to help does something for you too..
    You will pick another
    Just like the other..
    It is heartbreaking..
    Please continue to check in..
    Take care
    Bette
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-29-2015 at 02:57 PM.

  11. #11
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    I'm glad you posted an update. Getting on subs is one thing, getting the focused support one needs is another. I mean support like attending NA meetings, or other professional or group support or maybe even inpatient rehab. He doubly needs this, because of the PTSD. I think he is at high risk of continued relapse without that type of intervention. I know you are struggling with leaving him, but you cannot make the decision for him, to get that kind of support. He needs to make it and commit to it. It's easy for me to say you should step back and let him be. Either he will or he won't. It's harder to do it. Best of luck to you, I wish you both well, together or apart.
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  12. #12
    pilotavenue is offline New Member
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    I would love for him to go to rehab. Especially with the state that his father is in and him being the only family that he has. His mother passed away when he was 9 and he has two older half sisters who have never lived locally so no real connection with them. He knows when his father passes away that it is going to be very trying and has said that it will be easier to deal with it if he is clean. The battle within his mind is crazy to me.

    My best friend of 25 years is engaged to someone who is an addict and has had some recent relapsing due to his mother passing late last year. We are going to a NarAnon meeting at 7pm tonight. I am looking forward to it.

    I understand that you can not help someone who doesn't want it and that they have to want to get clean in their own mind. I stepped back because watching him fall apart is too hard. I am 35 and there are certain things in life that I still want and don't need to have any additional roadblocks on my way to achieve them. As hard as it is I may just have to turn my back on someone who I love very much while they are struggling.

  13. #13
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    It might seem like you are turning your back on him when he needs you most, and it's true, he is in a bad place right now. But it's like if he were drowning and if you tried to save him, he would only pull you down too. Then you would both drown. This is exactly what he is doing, pulling you down too. Maybe it's not his fault he is drowning. The stress of his Dad dying on top of PTSD, I think possibly he has no choice but to use, because the pain is too much. He will use until he gets a better support system in place to help him learn better ways to cope. In the meantime there is no point in two lives being ruined. I know what it's like to love someone very much and have to leave them, for my own good. It gets better with time as you stabilize your own life.

  14. #14
    pilotavenue is offline New Member
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    Just so sad that he has the subs but is now basically abusing them. Taking half an 8mg in the morning to feel ok through the day then using oxys at night to get high. He is basically using the subs to maintain his addiction and not feel sick.

    Honestly if I saw him in a year and he was clean and living a good life with someone else I would feel happy for him. Happy that he was able to get his life together. He is a wonderful, gentle, sensitive and caring man with a bad problem.

    He spent 9 months in jail and was clean all that time, in a wonderful rehab and faith based program we offer for men in our county jail, doing his step work, journaling, meetings, support groups, therapy sessions, etc. I have also spent 9 months in jail and will do anything I can to never land in a situation like that again. I lost things and a lot of time, it was horrible in there and it forced me to realize a lot of things and learn some lessons. That is also another reason I feel like this isn't any good for me. He is living on the edge. It is just different for him, his father bought him a condo, a truck, he has no mortgage, no car payment, his daddy still takes care of all that. Then when his dad passes away he will get an inheritance which will be at least a quarter of a million dollars. Then what? His drug use paired with the enabling by his father has left him completely irresponsible and incompetent in life tasks. He has asked me to help him get things in order but the relapsing has hindered that tremendously. Another frustration. It's always help me help me help me and then no leave me alone I want to do drugs/do what I want/who cares.

  15. #15
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Wow, yeah you nailed it. His dad is enabling him with the financial support and he will not get clean until that rug is pulled out from under him, but it doesn't sound like his dad is in any shape to participate in an intervention and cut him off. When he dies, that quarter million is nothing, it will be gone in no time, if he stays on the same path. Too bad Dad can't talk to a lawyer, change his will to put the money in a trust and instruct the trustee that he won't get his inheritance until he has been clean five years as documented by ongoing visits to a psychiatrist with regular pee tests. But I don't guess we're going to get Dad to do anything like that. Sad.

    Sounds like he did have an opportunity to have all the support that I suggested he needs, but he squandered the help.

    My only remaining suggestion would be if he himself were to get on this forum and ask help with the subs, how to use them correctly so he feels NORMAL and stable. It may be he is using in the evening because he cannot get himself feeling right in general. I am guessing that however the doctor induced him and whatever dose he is on, and the way he is taking them, is wrong, and I know for a fact that you cannot take them in the morning and then use at night, the stuff stays in your system all day. He is likely all messed up. There is a guy here, Randy35, who would know exactly what he is doing wrong, and be able to tell him how to do it right, but two problems: Randy broke his arm and can't type, and two, it won't work anyway if he does not come here himself and WANT the help himself, to get clean. For you, it really comes back to you need to do what is best for yourself. If that means walking away completely, then be strong and do it.

  16. #16
    pilotavenue is offline New Member
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    Thank you. I have seen him on anywhere from one 30mg roxy to five 30mg roxys and on sunday he took 5 of them and it seemed like he had only taken one. I was guessing that was because of the sub in his system. Maybe he needs a full 8mg sub in the morning and another in the evening. When we initially went to the VA he wanted me to go into the room with him when he saw the doctor so I could talk to them also but they wouldn't allow it. So who knows what he tells them?

    All his father wants is to die knowing his son is clean. But he actually goes there while he is high and that alone is a huge slap in the face/middle finger to his father if you ask me. While he was in the hospital 6 weeks ago my boyfriend would go there high and actually nod at his bedside and his father would get so upset and it was so difficult to watch. The selfishness is so high. His father is in no state to change anything right now, nor would he have when he had the opportunity to over the last five years that he has watched his son battle with this demon. He is a stubborn old mule to say the least. What he should have done was press charges when my boyfriend was stealing checks and writing them out for $76 a day at the grocery store for cash every day for months, stealing 10s of thousands of dollars two years ago. I wish he would have practiced tough love on him a long time ago but it seems too late for that.

    Hopefully I get some good insight tonight at the NarAnon meeting. I will also look around for some posts on subs by Randy35, thanks for the info. I really appreciate it. This isn't the type of subject you can share with too many people.

  17. #17
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    I am so happy you are going to a support group for you..

    Could you talk to his dad privately and make that a stipulation
    Of him getting the money?
    That he be clean for some time..
    That is a great idea..

    Then his dad could have a little more peace knowing
    That it will not be the money he leaves his son That may
    kill him..

    I am sure that is what his dad would want..
    Knowing it is going to be hard for him
    When his dad dies.
    This request from his father before he dies and the fact
    That he will not continue to get money..

    May just be something that may help him want to get clean..
    Honest to god..
    After the first few times..
    Many addicts really don't want to live like that..

    But they are so far in
    And don't want to get sick
    They keep digging their own grave..

    If you both could start over and who cares why he gets clean..
    Even if it is for the inheritance?

    Many of us don't get clean for the "right" reasons..
    But it does eventually become for ourselves..

    Thank you for the update..
    Take care
    Bette
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-30-2015 at 01:50 PM.

  18. #18
    pilotavenue is offline New Member
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    I don't care why he gets clean just as long as he does. I will support him through withdrawals, irritability, anxiety, restless nights, depression, ANYTHING if he cat get clean. Maybe I will try to go speak to his dad over the next few days. There is no harm in trying to get him to see and to make some changes. He knows he was getting the subs and was really happy about it, and he knows now that he has been using again because of his behavior.
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  19. #19
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    So was he given subutex? Not suboxone, is this correct?

    8 mg is probably too high a dose. Certainly 16 mg would be too high, so no, taking another 8 in the evening is not the answer. Sub stays in your system a very long time, like more than 24 hours so it's best to just dose once a day.

    I really would like Randy to give you his take on this. It seems very common that doctors don't do a good job getting people started on subs, VERY common. It would be a shame if he really wants to try but is being messed up because the doctor did not induce him properly and did not direct him in the right doses. I'll give Randy a heads up. If it looks like your boyfriend will get serious about the subs it might be better to start another thread in the sub subforum (ha ha, subsubforum) although we like to keep the story all together, I think it's easier for the sub experts here to find the questions they specialize in that way. I'll make a post in Randy's thread under Need to Talk.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-30-2018 at 05:06 AM.
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  20. #20
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Pilotavenue. I was asked by Thisweekforsure to respond to you and it's my pleasure. I see you have your hands full with the BF. I can relate because I put my poor GF through Hell and back when I was abusing nearly every drug on the planet. She gave me too many chances to straighten up and finally packed her things and moved out. That was what it took for me to finally get the help I needed (AA/NA), and go on Suboxone until I was past my addictive thoughts and behaviors. I spent around 9 months on subs. I'll have 1 year clean next week on July 6th. Never in a million years did I think I could get out of that life, but it's possible only if the person using REALLY WANTS TO GET OUT!!!

    He will lie to you, steal from you, and manipulate you all to feed his habit. He will do the same with others too like his dad. All an addict thinks from morning to night is how to get the drugs, where to find them, and how to pay for them, or what to trade for them. It's such a viscious cycle to live in. It may come down to you giving him an ultimatum. His rock bottom may be far away if it's rather easy for him to get what he wants right now. I lost everything I owned and loved when I hit bottom. Car, job, home, friends, family all gone.

    If you do give him any ultimatum you MUST follow through with it. This is only a SUGGESTION - Tell him if he doesn't get clean so the two of you can enjoy life together you'll be long gone. Tell him you are going to be purchasing some drug test kits from the local pharmacy and RANDOMLY test him when you feel he's using, and even when he appears to be clean. If he tests positive you're long gone. And also DEMAND he get back into meetings every single day. And try to speak to his dad about his active addiction. Again these are only suggestions you may give if it comes to that.

    The place for you to learn is Naranon or Alanon. You'll have face to face support of others in the same position you are. It's priceless help and I urge you to find a meeting in your area right away.

    As far as the subs, he's definitely not taking them correctly. Taking 8mg is a HUGE amount, but taking 16mgs per day is just insane. I promise you no one on the planet requires that much sub. No one. Sub has a "ceiling effect" meaning the more you take once you reach that ceiling is just wasted sub because it won't do a single thing. He can't get high either taking 4mgs of sub in the am and Oxy in the pm. Sub is a very powerful opiate. It's a partial-agonist which means is produces no high like other opiates would. And it has a very long half life. Half life is how long it takes half the sub to leave the system. Subs have a half life between 24 and 72 hours. A single dose remains in his system for days, weeks even depending on the dose(s) taken. It blocks all other opiates by clinging tightly to the receptors in the brain.

    His plan is subs are the choice should be to get on a STABLE dose of sub, usually around 3-4mg per day, and remain there a while to curb his addictive nature. Once he has spent a little time on a stable dose then he would begin the taper process. We use a specific plan here that has made success stories out of thousands of members both past and present. I would be happy to help him get started if he would consider making an account for himself and ask for help.

    But he has to really want that help!

    I really feel for you because I now realize what I put my GF through. Loving an addict is one tough task. I hope this helps a little. I hope he gets the help he needs because you sound like a wonderful and caring person. You deserve the very best. Have to decide if that's him or not.

    Randy
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-30-2018 at 05:06 AM.
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  21. #21
    pilotavenue is offline New Member
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    Thank you Randy35 for taking the time to come in and give me that information. I appreciate it so much.

    He was told by the Doctor to take 8mg a day, 4mg in the AM and 4mg in the evening. If that is too much I would like for him to get on a proper regimen if he is willing.

    I went to a NarAnon meeting last night. It was small, only 3 people. I will go back again next week and see if I like it. They were saying there's usually more people in attendance.

    A mutual friend of my BF and I went to his place last night and he broke down and told him everything about him using and me leaving on Sunday. He admitted to not being in good shape. That is a big deal because he was very honest. But at the time he was high so he is still going down that road. Our friend knows that we can not be together until my BF is clean and told him that.

    My BF texted me this morning saying that he hoped I was done taking space because he misses me. I replied that it depends on him being off pills and that I will not take second place to them anymore. I didn't hear back after that. I do know his dealer texted him at 11am and my BF didn't respond until a few minutes ago when he got off work. So who knows if he will get high tonight. But I must admit I don't have a whole lot of faith in him right now. Especially because I am not there to keep him busy. But the choices he makes are his own and I can not keep worrying about it. He will do as he wishes. I can not control him. I am trying to get that through to myself. Love can only go so far and I am not a babysitter.

  22. #22
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there..
    It is so hard..
    Have you checked out the thread on here
    Addiction part 11 I can't understand..
    Many normies in. Similar situations..
    I will give you the thread..
    Bette

  23. #23
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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  24. #24
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    I disagree. Boyfriend/girlfriend is not family.... yet. If boyfriend does not himself commit to seeking help, it might be best to leave him, cut all ties, and do what is best for oneself. The OP has been with the boyfriend only 3 months. The relationship is draining her and is very destructive to her. There is no family obligation here to stay and support him.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-30-2018 at 05:06 AM.
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  25. #25
    pilotavenue is offline New Member
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    It has been 6 months now. Not that it makes a difference. But in all honesty many people get married at this point of knowing each other. So if we had a piece of paper to define our relationship that would make a difference? Regardless...

    He texted me last night that he misses me and does not want to spend another night alone. I told him we can talk tonight if he is ready and sober. So I will see what happens.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-30-2018 at 05:06 AM.

  26. #26
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Whoops, sorry, your first post was back in March.

  27. #27
    pilotavenue is offline New Member
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    Hi Randy. We discussed his intake and misuse of the subs and he would like some advice on dosage. He is currently prescribed 8mg a day. He is taking half in the early morning about 6AM and another half before bed between 11pm and midnight. Obviously this is not sufficient. He says his cravings are very strong at the end of his work day about 3:30-4. His old (and starting to be active again) routine was to go out to the dealer every day after work so that's probably when his mind starts to play tricks on him. We were thinking maybe 2mg when he wakes up at 6am, 2mg around lunchtime, 2mg 5-6PM and last 2mg at bedtime.

    He is due back at the VA Sept 4th for his regular appt and refill. I've been reading about the Vivitrol shot and mentioned it to him. He's interested in discussing the Vivitrol with his Doctor, letting him know he's slipped up a few times and doesn't want to continue tricking himself with the Subs and Oxy combination he's been doing.

    Let me know what you think about the Subs dosage please!! I'll pass the info on to him. He asked me to ask what your thoughts were, so at least he is showing some initiative on trying. Fingers crossed! Trying to be positive and supportive but it's tough with being let down SO MANY TIMES.

    Thank you!

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