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My husband 3 months into opiate recovery. Help??
  1. #1
    Jacksxnmb4xxmas is offline New Member
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    Question My husband 3 months into opiate recovery. Help??

    I'll do a little background. My husband and I have been together 6 years. Known each other and been friends for 15 years. We haven't always had the best relationship. But I can say we loved each other I could see it and feel it. He was addicted to drugs when we first got together had been on them for 3 years. Not long after maybe a month or 2 into our relationship he had to quit cold turkey because of his children probation and the courts. It was hard but he did it. We lived drug free for the next 18 months had our son and things were pretty good. After our son was born and probation ended he wanted to start using recreationaly. Well yeah that didn't last long. It became full blown addiction again. I was the one who had to find him pills and bug people all day everyday. I had to fake injuries and even hot my dad to give me his pills monthly. This went on for years. Pawning selling everything we owned. Stealing snd lying to my family
    They already hated him so to say he was an addict wasn't good. So I took the hit convinced my family I was the addict so I could get the pills for him. He never had to look. I was in constant search every day. He doesn't of didn't work, nor did he let me he was so insecure I wax cheating. I almost didn't make it through school. But grace of God I did. My parents owned our house and car so we never paid anything they helped with bills.
    So that's background.
    So in January he decided enough was enough and quit. He tapered himself down with suboxene until he quit. The last day he took suboxene was may 20th our son's 5th birthday. I got him every vitamin. Or pill anyone suggested in these forums to help him have a speedy recovery and for him to feel normal again. But something changed in him he started to talk less become more distant. Had no energy drive or motivation to do anything. Even things he used to enjoy. Not even the kids could cheer him up. We tried anti anxiety meds, depression meds, bipolar meds he didn't take any longer then a week. He says he's not depressed he's just numb. He feels nothing.
    I have read alot about paws and the after effects and how it peaks between 3-6 months. We did so much reasearch.
    Where my biggest issue and question is is about me the spouse.
    He started to push me away. We don't talk we don't text, no sex and no love. Every single night we'd cuddle in bed or watching a movie. Now the past couple months he refuses to even let me touch him. Not just sexual but won't let me cuddle or even a hand on hid leg. He has never been a affectionate person but this has never been like this before. And it hurts me so badly. Not only will he not let me touch him hell throw my hand off him if I try to. This was one of the ways through all we've been through I knew he loved me. When he held me. Now I feel like I don't exist. No love no care no touching it's like I'm there but I'm not. It truly feels like he wouldn't care if I were here or not. I threatened divorce and truly meant it. Because the way I feel now is awful unwated unloved. I feel like we are strangers. The addiction wasn't the problem between. US because we would talk be playful and have fun
    I knew we were in love. Now I feel like he hates and dispise me. Ive tried to talk to him and even cried to him hundreds of times about how I feel. He won't listen or will say I'm starting up again . He won't give me any reassurance that he does love me and that I mean something to him. He just blows me off. Not one kiss in months no sex period and he loved sex. No talking well sit in silence next to each other for hours. Doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything.
    He can't even tell me if he truly loves me. Hell say I don't know. I understand what he's going through but after all we've been through you can't tell someone if you know if u love them???
    Is this normal? I know u can't speak for him but did this happen to other people too? Is it a phase? Do I stop fighting him to let me touch him? Will this become Normal and the rest of our lives I feel unloved and loveless? Please other spouses she'd some light. I've looked and read everywhere there isn't much on this to fo with recovery behavior. I need to know what I'm going through is worth it and that maybe some kind of light at the end. Or is it truly time for divorce..

  2. #2
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    You are equally sick with the disease of addiction as he is. All the time he was an active addict, you had the addiction of providing him with the pills. It was every bit your addiction too, the two of you functioned together as one unit in this addiction. Therefore you need as much treatment as he does. Your whole marriage centered on this dynamic and now it has changed, so your whole relationship needs to change. Maybe divorce. If not you will both need a lot of healing and redefining yourselves as individuals first, then as a couple. I think each of you could benefit from a long stay in rehab (a Betty Ford type place for you) away from each other so you can find your own identity before you decide whether this marriage can survive.

    To answer your question it does sound as if he is suffering from PAWS and needs time to heal. I can't say how much of the lack of affection is personal and how much is the lethargy and lingering depression after stopping opiates, but it might be a combination of both. He is in danger of relapse if he cannot feel pleasure in everyday things and cannot emotionally connect with you. You both really need a lot of intensive followup treatment.

  3. #3
    Jacksxnmb4xxmas is offline New Member
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    I just want my husband back. Idk if this is normal. I have had no issues with not getting him pills it's been a long time. I hated it. So I disagree with your first part. I just can't find much reading of the relationship with your spouse durring early recovery. It's driving me nuts. I am and always had myself. I went to school got my degree and am currently back in school part time. I just don't know what is normal what's not the first time he got clean it wasn't like this. I'm not as worried with relapse. He had his galbladder taken out a month ago took the pain meds while in hospital. Day he got out didn't touch his script had me not even fill it. Said when u take pain meds for pain it's not the same as taking it for fun. I do worry about his emotionless Ness he's going through. Nothing works for him tried every vitamin. And he doesn't think anti depressants will work. I'm just so torn I thought if I could find answers it would be here.
    kimmel88 likes this.

  4. #4
    Jacksxnmb4xxmas is offline New Member
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    I forgot to add 100% not cheating on me
    We're always together and he'd rather just be alone then around people.

  5. #5
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi and Welcome!

    I feel so badly for you. This has to be pretty awful but firstly know that how your husband's mood is not about you. It's about him. Thinking he doesn't attend meetings and doesn't have a good, clean friend, right? I know how he feels right now and I was the same way. The difference is that after a time I noticed it and decided for myself that it wasn't working for me. I got myself around people who would make me feel better--that's not you right now, sorry. A huge part of active addiction is isolation and once clean we have to learn how to break out of that. I suspect he feels like you are intruding on his continued isolation and not liking it. Don't take that personally, it's just the way it is.

    Your question I think was is his behavior normal. The answer is yes and he's the only one who can break out of it. In the meantime, do whatever you have to do for yourself to get through this. My son is an active addict (I'm over 5 1/2 yrs in recovery). I am at a loss as to what to do about my son. A very good, wise friend of mine suggested that I begin to attend ALANON meetings and to announce that as I walk out the door. Maybe that will help you too? Even if you don't actually go, say you are (my friend's advice too). That will send the message that you are having trouble coping now too.

    I hope this helps. Continue posting. There is so much wisdom and comfort here. Even now, I can read for hours.

    Peace,

    Cat

  6. #6
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Just another thought--Do you think your husband might be willing to log onto this Forum and read the stories of others'? It might encourage him to begin to find his recovery tools and see that he has to work his recovery, not wallow in it. Just a suggestion. It has to start somewhere.

    Peace,

    Cat

  7. #7
    Jacksxnmb4xxmas is offline New Member
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    Thank you for that
    My husband has always kind of been a loner and honestly a jackass lol but this is different. He's never acted or been like this before and I'm afraid. I'm at the point right now where I want to end our marriage. Apart of me really doesn't want to though. I can't help but feel this is me and he's doing this because he wants to and knows he can. Until I looked it up and found that paws can do this to people I would cru myself to sleep every night. After he was off pills life was supposed to be better. Not worse and it breaks my heart. He puts no effort into us whatsoever. I feel like I'm talking to a wall. Just yesterday we were at a family outing with his family and we disagreed on something I knew I was right about. After he annonced in front of everyone he no longer loved me. And I just wanted to cry. Then later we were watching a tv show we watched last year and I was sleeping and woke up during a part and said isn't this when that happened. It was like I was talking to myself. It's little things that I pick up on that changed and just makes me truly feel there is no more love. That I'm just giving him excuses to hurt me and justifying it with paws. Idk he does have 2 clean friends that he talks to regulrly. One has been there for him in many ways helps support us and feels somewhat like I do sometimes like he just doesn't care anymore. He doesn't know he was addicted this last time. The other is his cousin. He doesn't do drugs but he's an asshole. He loves to pick on me and my husband just allows it. They've been over or us there everyday pretty much. He gives hi. The Most attention. Talks to him answers his texts. We do fun things with them but they arent so fun for me. We went camping a few weeks back and it was hell. I felt invisible. He didn't really enjoy it but enjoyed when everyone was picking on me. I tried to plan things for us alone. We went to the waterpark casino hotel and he wouldn't even go to waterpark with the kids. I had to he just sat there looking like he was misreble. That was one month into recovery. I just dk what to do anymore.the putting me st arms length I understand but the cruelty I dont. This isn't how it was supposed to be. I went through hell already with the addiction. Now things were supposed to be better. I'm crying now I'm so upset. I'll suggest he comes back and reads here again they helped him in so many ways while he was detoxing but he hasn't been on here since. He JusT lost The motivation To Do anything. Meetings he won't go to I suggested councilling for both and seperate but he said no. Suggested meds. Also a no he did see a counciller in the 3 months he was on suboxene I think it helped a bit he told me he faked it. I just dk if it's worth feeling this way still after all we been through. Or do I just let it all go.

  8. #8
    Jacksxnmb4xxmas is offline New Member
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    I know I'm making him out to seem like a bad person he truly wasnt. I knew and know he's an asshole but there was love there. I knew how he was when I married him. I could feel it he'd do anything to make me happy. He was sweet to and would surprise me with things and we'd have fun when we went places we'd talk for hours and text at least 100 messages a day. We had a good relationship outside of the drugs and not having alot of money. Then now this. I feel no lobe only resentment, he won't cuddle or even let my arm touch his. We sleep in the same bed but he might as well be in china. I have to lay in bed like I am now while he's asleep to try and let my leg touch his etc so I can feel that he's there. It's so >>>>ing sad. I just want to cry. He stopped drugs he stopped loving me. I don't want hi. Back on drugs no way no how. I just want my husband back. Not whoever this is.

  9. #9
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    UGH! I'm so sorry. The isolation I can explain away. The cruel words are a lot harder. Only you can be the judge of whether you can tolerate this and if it's worth it, Sweetie. I'm sure that his guilt has something to do with it or PAWS might be playing into it as well. I've detoxed more times than I can count. Recovery is a struggle, but thankfully I don't think I ever experienced PAWS so I can't speak to that. On the other hand, maybe I did and just didn't recognize it. I'm pretty good at looking at myself honestly and figuring out what I need to do to fix the mood. I was sorta bipolar immediately after my most recent (and hopefully my last) detox and just one day I decided I didn't like this! I remember it clearly. I was driving alone stuck firmly to the pity pot and told myself, I'm going to be happy. Period. Do I still have moods and down days. Of course! But that's life and I don't blame my addiction for it. (I blame my family--just kidding--kinda).

    And you have kids. If you can't find the strength to do what it takes to be healthy and happy, do it for your kids. I'm telling you they see and hear things that they shouldn't. On top of that, they can't make sense of it.

    So, so sorry for what you're going through. It is really hard.

    Peace,

    Cat

  10. #10
    Jacksxnmb4xxmas is offline New Member
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    It feels good to hear from another person. It truly does. I know when he first detox ed he felt guilt he told me how much he loved me snd he was going to become the man he was always supposed to be he knew how badly he hurt me and the kids. God those words still play over and over in my head. I wish this was still true. I know paws has to fo with it in ways. Because he enjoys nothing even porn he doesn't care for and he loves porn. Doing anything at all he just has no motivation. And yes days he just wants to be completely alone. Driving in the garage in a room. Three days ago he was in the room alone all day in the dark I'm not kidding all day I asked I'd there was something I could do. He said some days arnt as good as others. And I know how that is I feel like that too on some days. But I don't know if u can truly stop feeling love showing it or acting on it like he has. Because of paws or is it truly that he doesn't love me snd hell snap out of it. I know no one can truly answer that but when I asked for reassurance that he did still love me he said I feel nothing so I can't telll you that I do. Could he have only loved me and cared because of the drugs? And now he's off that feeling is gone?.
    I'm sorry about your son aswell I know u must be also feign things I am. I think this is the worst feeling ever. Like I said before I don't want to think this is a phase and it become what's normal. No touching no love so when he comes out of it this is how it'll always be because it was allowed when he was going through it.

  11. #11
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    I wish I had the answers for you but I don't. No one can guess what he is or isn't feeling. It does sound to me that he is entirely self-absorbed at the moment and only he can change that if he chooses to. I have to warn you that unless he snaps out of this funk he will likely relapse. Who wants to feel that way all day, every day?

    It's also true that we are different people when using and when we're clean. I think you mentioned that he used when you met him? I really hate to say this but it has to be considered if I'm to be completely honest. Just maybe you fell in love with the active using man and the active using man fell in love with you. You are each looking at each other in a completely different light these days. I also think I recall that he didn't act this way in previous detoxes. How'd that work out? He relapsed, right? In deed he did. I don't know. You can't make him better, you can only do what's right for you and neither I or anyone else can tell you what that is. Really, the options are to hang tight and things get better, hang tight and they don't get better, or you reach YOUR bottom and walk away. That is your decision alone.

    Peace,

    Cat

  12. #12
    Jacksxnmb4xxmas is offline New Member
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    I see what your saying. But the foundation of our relationship wasn't built on him using. He had quit within a month of us dating and I never got him pills or had much to do with it he was battling it For a couple years then. But he was clean and sober 18 months but he was forced or he'd be in jail. So when he relapsed he said it was because it wasn't his decision to quit. This time it was. I fell in love with him over the course of both being an addict and clean. But the relationship was built while clean. Then moves into addict now back to clean. Idk if he'll relapse he looks down on pwople who use now. So I hope he doesn't
    But it wasn't like this before. I just feel like his love for me left with the addiction

  13. #13
    Chris Will is offline New Member
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    Give him some time and see how things work out. Most importantly talk to him about it and let him know how it makes you feel. I did the same thing while withdrawing from subs. I just wanted to be left alone. It'll get better
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  14. #14
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Time is key. But be honest. .. no pills. Then reevaluated the situation.

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