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  1. #31
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    Thanks guys. Yeah it felt good. There are other meetings this week that were recommended to me but Tuesday is Halloween and Wednesday we have couples therapy so I won't be able to go. I'm disappointed about Wednesday but I also have to make sure that therapy is a top priority too.

    Today was good but has been odd. It was a great morning, I woke up and felt good today and then the first thing that came into my head was I should take an oxy. That really confused me. I feel good why on earth would I want a drug... I still don't understand it. I called my hubby and we talked through it a little bit.

    Now as the day goes on I'm starting to feel crummy again. Foggy, dull headache, stomach ache, tired. I worked from home today and have to go into the office the rest of the week so hopefully that will get me to feeling better.

    I also keep saying that I need to get to the gym, even for just 30 minutes but I haven't done that yet either. Baby steps I guess, right.

    Cat - I seriously laughed out loud reading about your weight watchers experience and how it was similar. I completely get the fear. That is so awesome that you have kept the weight off. I'm hoping that after all of this I don't start to gain.

  2. #32
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Did I say I was Proud of You Today well I am... Stay Strong for Today..
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  3. #33
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Platinum Member
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    Congratulations for making it to the meeting. That had to feel good to be so welcomed. Proud of you. Sorry today was a bitwishy washy. It happens, they will turn the corner for you soon. Day 8 today right? TThat's awesome as well. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you're doing great!!! Cravings will happen. But soon enough you will have days, weeks, months where you won't even think of taking an oxy. Just gotta keep reminding yourself of why you're doing this in the first place. You're getting there. You can do this!! Keep your head up and keep on truckin girl!!!

    Stay strong
    Beef
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  4. #34
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    Thanks guys.

    Honestly right now is so difficult. I want to take something and escape so desperately. My hubby is still working, I had to bring my 2 girls to the vet and put one of our animals down and he is still an hour away.

    We do this huge Halloween thing every year where we make our garage a haunted house and its not finished yet. Hubby just told me that he has to go out of town tomorrow and doesn't know if he will be home in time.

    My stomach is having sharp pains and my head throbs. I just want to drift away, I don't want to face all of this.

    I know I have to and I will but how the he'll did I do this before? How did I make it through this stuff. For the life of me I can't remember.
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  5. #35
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    Ok.. Much better today. Last night was really rough. I made it through. I honestly feel that if I can make it through last night I can get through almost anything.

    I do have a question though. Lately every morning my hubby and I have been intimate. I initiate this. He obviously is a willing participant.

    This is very unusual for me. For the last 2 years sex has been dead last on my mind and I only went through with it to please my hubby. WTF is going on!!!

  6. #36
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone2008 View Post
    Ok.. Much better today. Last night was really rough. I made it through. I honestly feel that if I can make it through last night I can get through almost anything.

    I do have a question though. Lately every morning my hubby and I have been intimate. I initiate this. He obviously is a willing participant.

    This is very unusual for me. For the last 2 years sex has been dead last on my mind and I only went through with it to please my hubby. WTF is going on!!!

    Your body is waking up and that's a very good thing! lol Opiates mess with every fiber of our being and every part of our body. Hot/cold, GI, HORMONES--everything!! There's so much awfulness that at least you're getting a peek at some of the wonderful things too. You'll see. Colors are brighter, smells are stronger, food tastes better--everything. It's only when we begin to become alive again that we begin to see just how dulled we were. I'm sure hubby is delighted.

    Peace,

    Cat

  7. #37
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey that's awesome. Glad you're feeling better. I'm sure your hubby is pleased with your new found libido. Lol I know that when I got to about day 9-10 mine came back full force. I was like a 15 year old boy again. Just roll with it. Like you said I know hubby was a willing participant. Senses are coming back that's awesome. You're doing amazing!! Keep it going it gets so much better.

    Stay strong
    Beef
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  8. #38
    Elcey is offline Member
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    Hey Longgone, so glad you're back - and in one piece to tell the tale. You remind me that it doesn't get better if we start up again and believe me, I need to hear that. I would've welcomed you back earlier only I've been on sabbatical myself I moved and it really took a wollop out of me for pretty much all of Sept./Oct. Getting old is definitely NOT for sissies!

    It's really good to hear that you're going to NA meetings. I'm cross addicted so for myself, I attend AA. I can honestly say I'd be lost without the benefit of seeing other like-minded people. If your husband looks worried (and I'm sure he is!), but he's probably confused too. From what you've said, he doesn't have the problem of addiction and no one is going to completely understand that except for another addict. It's sort of just the way it is. You continuing on the path, and going to meetings, and keeping him "occupied" in bed lol will show him you're getting healthier and healthier. For sure there are challenging times and thoughts of escaping from life for a little while may come up - that's when you talk to another NA member or get on here and vent, or just get up and move around for a few minutes. A little activity or reading another member's thread usually does the trick.

    I'll watch for updates and again, Welcome Back!
    Elcey

  9. #39
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    Thanks Elcy! I so needed to hear that.

    3 and a half weeks. It has been a long road and a truly hard road. I wonder if I never relapsed would I be asleep right now, lol.

    I have been attending meetings and it has gotten easier. The good days are more and more. The only long lasting symptom is loss of sleep. No matter what I do it just doesn't come. My mornings are hell trying to get out of bed and go to work. The nights I lay on bed awake praying to fall back asleep for just a few hours. I know in time this will pass but its so frustrating.

  10. #40
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone2008 View Post
    Thanks Elcy! I so needed to hear that.

    3 and a half weeks. It has been a long road and a truly hard road. I wonder if I never relapsed would I be asleep right now, lol.

    I have been attending meetings and it has gotten easier. The good days are more and more. The only long lasting symptom is loss of sleep. No matter what I do it just doesn't come. My mornings are hell trying to get out of bed and go to work. The nights I lay on bed awake praying to fall back asleep for just a few hours. I know in time this will pass but its so frustrating.
    Hey You!

    Thanks for checking in. This sleep thing is the last and most frustrating part and I'm sorry. Although you are getting less sleep than what you were used to, try not to count the hours. You won't know for sure how much sleep you need until you are stronger and feeling better. Your body is still healing. We all know how we feel when we are just getting over the flu and this feels the same way. The flu symptoms may be better but we are weak and just spent.

    In any event, things will begin to come together real soon. The best thing I can recommend is to try your best not to fight with the sleep thing. If you can't sleep, get up and watch TV or read. Anything but to continue to lay in bed trying to fall back to sleep. Sometimes if you get up for a little while you will get sleepy again and you can try and go back to bed. Just don't force it. Once you begin to get stronger your sleep will begin to settle down and it will be whatever it will be. Maybe it'll be the 9 hours you were used to or maybe it'll be less. So long as you feel good during the day, then the number of hours of sleep you are getting is less important. This early on, I know that just getting through the day was sometimes all I could manage and I just wanted to go to bed and sleep to escape it. That will end too.

    You're doing great. How are your meetings going? Did you find a sponsor? Keep posting.

    Peace,

    Cat

  11. #41
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Platinum Member
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    Agree with that 100%. Today is 2 months for me!!!!!!!! And my sleep is still spotty at best. It's a process. But just think about how much less sleep we were getting on day 4, or 5. It's all relative. Turn the clock around, hide your phone. Take the sleep as it comes. Watching the clock will drive you crazy and frustrate the h.e.l.l. out of you. You're doing great!!! Keep up the good work!!! Proud of you!

    Stay strong
    Beef

  12. #42
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    Thanks Cat and beef! Still going strong.. Day 28 today!

    Wednesday was a really weird day for me. It was almost as if I was in a mania all day. My whole body was trembling my brain was racing I got a TON done at work but it was a little scary. I emailed my doc and he called in some Ambien. It lets me sleep for about 4 hours then I'm up again. I have an appointment with him on Tuesday so we will see what he says.

    No sponsor yet. Still just taking everything in and sharing. The group has been so good for me. I go early and stay late but I need to find another meeting to find a sponsor. This one is primarily men and the women there are all in early recovery.

    I was told about a different meeting I should go to so I'm going to check that one out this week.

  13. #43
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    Why do I do this to myself?? I am in this horrible self destructive loop that I can't get out of.

    Relapse # a million here. I was so determined this morning again that I was going to go through the hell of withdrawl and didn't make it. It's funny how the excuses for me keep rolling in. I say, ok after this event I will go through withdrawl again or I just have to get through this weekend, etc... it's one excuse after another and the stupid thing is that I know they are excuses.

    I have a job interview coming up this week and that is my excuse right now. I can't be in withdrawls during my interview. So I have been tapering like crazy. Made it all day until 3pm before caving in and took 10mg. Hated myself after swallowing until my symptoms went away. Then I felt better, until now when I know that tomorrow is going to suck. I am sticking to the taper plan though, just until after this interview and then my plan is to take the long weekend away from work and get through the worst of it.

    I broke down last night as n called an addiction hotline. They kept pressuring me to check myself into treatment which is not an option.

    I've also been reading a lot about subs. Does anyone have any advice on them? There is a doctor near me that can perscribe them. I dont know if he can take on any new patients or even how to make an appointment but I would love some info. I get VERY mixed reviews on the internet.

    I just want to feel happy. I want to feel love. I'm tired of wanting to kill myself then taking pills and feeling the relief and hatred again only to go back to being suicidal.

    I want to get off of this ride.
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  14. #44
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone2008 View Post
    Why do I do this to myself?? I am in this horrible self destructive loop that I can't get out of.

    Relapse # a million here. I was so determined this morning again that I was going to go through the hell of withdrawl and didn't make it. It's funny how the excuses for me keep rolling in. I say, ok after this event I will go through withdrawl again or I just have to get through this weekend, etc... it's one excuse after another and the stupid thing is that I know they are excuses.

    I have a job interview coming up this week and that is my excuse right now. I can't be in withdrawls during my interview. So I have been tapering like crazy. Made it all day until 3pm before caving in and took 10mg. Hated myself after swallowing until my symptoms went away. Then I felt better, until now when I know that tomorrow is going to suck. I am sticking to the taper plan though, just until after this interview and then my plan is to take the long weekend away from work and get through the worst of it.

    I broke down last night as n called an addiction hotline. They kept pressuring me to check myself into treatment which is not an option.

    I've also been reading a lot about subs. Does anyone have any advice on them? There is a doctor near me that can perscribe them. I dont know if he can take on any new patients or even how to make an appointment but I would love some info. I get VERY mixed reviews on the internet.

    I just want to feel happy. I want to feel love. I'm tired of wanting to kill myself then taking pills and feeling the relief and hatred again only to go back to being suicidal.

    I want to get off of this ride.
    Welcome back. I'm sorry for the circumstances but I'm glad that you returned. First things first. Stop beating yourself up over this. Relapse is all a part of recovery. This is sad but true. I think that it's a rare event when someone quits and never looks back. I read somewhere a long time ago that most people relapse at least three times before they are able to stay in recovery. Three? Let me tell you that I can't even begin to count how many times I put myself through cold turkey detoxes only to relapse. Sometimes I wouldn't make it through Day 1. Other times I might have been able to get a few months under my belt and I truly thought that I'd be OK to just pop a couple of those evil things and that I could keep it at that. Surely I had learned my lesson and would never lose control again. Right! lol It's a hard thing to come to terms with but once we experience addiction, it's with us for the rest of our lives.

    You have managed one of the most important first steps and that is to be completely honest with yourself. You know that you are making excuses and you are brave enough to admit that to yourself. Your plan sounds like a good one and I don't blame you for delaying your Day 1 until after your interview. What day this week is your interview? I would start your detox the very next day and with the long weekend hopefully that will give you enough time to get through the worst of it.

    OK. Concerning the subs. I see that you've been trying to taper and it sounds like you've been making large reductions. What are you taking, how much were you taking before you began to taper, how long have you been doing that, and how much are you taking now? There is lots of information available regarding subs and you're right about there being lots of conflicting reviews about it. Let me just say that it's not a magic fix and that subs have their own problems. However, if all else fails and you follow the sub taper plan that has been used here successfully by thousands of folks, maybe it is the answer for you. Having said that, subs should be a last resort. My gut tells me that you are able to get through the detox but it's the aftermath that presents the problems for you. You're not alone and I'm sure you know that. Subs will eliminate the pain of a cold turkey detox but it's not perfect. Perhaps not with all of your reductions but possibly with some you will feel some mild withdrawal symptoms and once you get to a very low dose like .125mg/day and are ready to jump, it's almost inevitable that you will have a period of time that your energy will be low and sleep will be an issue. I know for me, the frustration of not being able to sleep was one of the primary reasons that I relapsed. I don't mean to be negative but I think that you need to know that tapering subs is usually easier than tapering our drug of choice but once the taper is completed, you'll still be faced with the same issues that causes a relapse. Does that make sense? I guess to put it more simply, getting clean is the easy part. All of the reasons that causes a relapse remain exactly the same so how you manage your recovery is far more important than how you get clean. If you had failed time after time of getting through a detox, then I would say that maybe subs are the answer but in your case, I just don't think it's the answer. That's only my opinion.

    If you do decide to start sub therapy, please let us know so that we can help you. Most sub doctors prescribe way, WAY too high a dose and it's just not necessary and will take you longer to complete the taper and will make it more difficult. When people follow their doctor's orders and take insane amounts of sub they usually don't feel as well as if they are taking the lowest effective dose. Depending upon what and how much you are taking now will determine what the lowest effective dose will be. Everyone is different but if you induct on the subs correctly as per the plan used here, you will allow yourself to go into severe withdrawal and once your score on the COWS worksheet is at least a 26, you'll be ready to begin to take tiny doses once an hour until you become stable. While many doctors will prescribe 8mg, 12mg, 16mg per day or even more of the subs, you probably won't need more than 3 or 4 mg/day and maybe even less than that. Subs are a strange drug and a very strong opiate estimated to be about 30 times stronger than morphine. I've followed members here who were using subs to kick an IV H habit and they were able to get stable on 4 or 6mg/day. They have a very long half life of between 36 and 72 hours compared to 3 to 4 hours of your Lortabs. This results in a stacking effect so that a good portion of what you take today will still be active tomorrow when you dose again. You can see that problem. They also have a ceiling of 8mg so anything more than that is just a waste of subs. Enough of that for now. If you do decide to give subs a whirl, let us know and we'll walk you through your induction which is usually the trickiest part. Once you've established the lowest effective dose for you, the plan is easy enough to follow until you get down low enough to jump. You should find and read Robert's Sub Taper Plan that is on a sticky on the Home Page of this Forum. When you've finished, read it again until you fully understand it. If you have questions, please ask and I or someone else will try to help. You should also find and print out the COWS worksheet. It's the only way to know when you're ready to begin your induction. If you try to take your first dose of sub without being far enough into withdrawal, it will result in precipitated withdrawal and let me tell you, not only is it horrible but there is not a thing you can do about it except to endure it until it passes. Subs will completely strip all of the opiates on your receptors and if you take them without being far into withdrawal instead of them making you feel better, they'll make you sicker than you can imagine. So long as you wait long enough and are sick enough your induction should go off without a hitch.

    I would encourage you to cold turkey again and then figure out what your long term recovery plan is . Something or everything has to change. One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein. “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”. Ain't that the truth? I know that you were attending meetings. That, of course is important so you should find one and go. If you aren't happy there or it isn't a fit, look for and try another and keep doing it until you do find one where you're comfortable. Then find a sponsor. They can be the person who will pull you off the ledge when that day arrives that you are ready to throw the towel in. If you have a good sponsor, he/she will only be a phone call away whenever you need them. If you haven't already, find a therapist for some one on one support. Recovery is a lot of work and takes your complete commitment. I know that you already know this. There are lots of support systems available so it's time to chase them as earnestly as you chased your pills. There won't be anything that is more important than finding the support that is right for you. It won't magically fall into your lap. You'll have to look for and find what's right for you. Unfortunately, having a strong desire to be clean is a good start but it's just not enough to keep you clean.

    Fill us in on the details by answering the questions that I asked way, WAY back toward the beginning of this post. (Sorry I get so wordy). That will help us to help you. I'll try and watch for you and hope that you post again tonight. Let us help you. That's why we're here.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  15. #45
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    WOW!! That post was way too long. Sorry about that. Hope it helps a little.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  16. #46
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey longgone. Welcome back. Sorry It's under these circumstances though. First thing, don't beat yourself up. It happens the main thing is that you're back. What are we gonna do differently this time so that this will be your last day 1?

    Everything Cat has shared with you is spot on. Subs are a whole different monster. I was taking oxy anywhere from 240-360mg/day. Tried so many times to get clean. Moved to a new state and found suboxone. I knew nothing of the drug, other than it made me feel good and kept me out of w/d. Never got me high or anything like that. I stayed on the subs for 5 years at a rediculous dosage of 16mg/day. I wouldn't say I had a negative experience with them. They allowed me to curb my addictive thoughts and behaviors and allowed me to live a "normalish" life.

    But when the time came for me to get clean, I tapered down to 1mg and unfortunately not knowing anything about the drug I was mindlessly taking as prescribed. Was not a good thing. Even 1mg of subs is a hefty dose. The w/d associated with subs are not as intense as shorter acting opiates, but they are so much longer and drawn out. They are just relentless. They just beat you down. I suffered for about a month and a halfish or so. Now that's not the norm when it comes to sub jumps. If you follow the taper plan we use your w/d will be minimal. Taper as low as possible. I believe Cat suggested .125mg. That's where you want to ensure up

    If it were me I would suggest giving the c/t detox once again. Subs should be your very last option on this journey. However it is your journey and we are here to provide knowledge and support.

    I'm glad you're back. Keep posting and ask as many questions as you need to. We are all here to support you.

    I hope this is coherent enough as I'm trying to stay awake. Long day at the office today.
    Drop us a line and let us know what you plan going forward.

    Like I said earlier the choice is yours. Keep your head up and keep on trying. You can do this!!
    Beef

  17. #47
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    I called a doctor today. Made a sub appointmentfor June 7th. She does this out of her house which is a little odd to me. I have to pick up a drug test from walmart and bring it with me.

    I'm so terrified of doing this but I need to find something. I have enough oxy to get me through Sunday if I only take 10-20 mg a day. I was taking 30 - 40 mg every day. Usually the 20s and I would cut them and chew them up. I took a 20mg OP this morning. I cut it in half and took half of it.

    Can I ask how the subs will work? Will I feel immediately better? Once I decide to taper will I go through withdrawls again? Will taking it make me sick at first? She told me since my appointment is at 4pm that I should not take any meds after 4am. I dont take any oxy after 6pm anyway so that wont be an issue it will just be a bad day at work. I take either ambien or lorazepam to sleep at night. Can I still take those with subs or will I be able to sleep again?

    Also what happens if I get hurt on subs? I assume I can't take any pain meds.. I will have to tell my doctor that I am taking subs. He is NOT going to be happy.
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  18. #48
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Longgone welcome back...
    Cat and Beef gave you some awesome suggestions not much I can really add. Did you read Robert's sub taper plan? Cows worksheet? You will get yours answers to all your fears there. Read others threads on sub forum some good some not so good. Everyone is different so our experiences are all different. Imo subs are another whole beast... Have you exhausted all possibilities to try and do it cold turkey? You have to really want this for yourself more than anything... Be willing and open minded to take suggestions... If I remember correctly you were going to thearpy and meetings. Are you still going now? All useful tools in getting and staying clean. Keep posting and reading we are all here to support you moving forward...

  19. #49
    OKC-26 is offline Member
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    This is just my opinion longgone, only an opinion. This is your show and I/we are here for whatever you decide to do. I don’t have near as much experience or knowledge as many here do with subs, I’ve only had friends use them and I’ve read a lot about them as I also was contemplating using them. Click on the suboxone form on this site there’s tons of info. Now for my 2 cents.

    You said you were taking 30-40 mg of oxy daily. And you’ve gotten it down to 10-20 mg for the last few days. I think that starting the subs for you would be like amputating your leg because you’ve broken your ankle. The can of worms you would open would be much bigger than the issue you have now. I know how you feel right now, I’m not very far in front of you. Searching all night for a way to avoid the withdrawl, speed it up, anything to make this go away. It’s very scary. You can choose the sub route, get stable and then taper for a few months and probably soften the landing, but once your on the ground you still have the same issue of staying clean reguardless. I’m a “rip the bandaid off” and get it over with kind of person, and I would advise you to do the same in your situation. Lace up your combat boots and face it head on and get it over with. You can have the physical symptoms over with in a week or you can drag them out over a few months. Your show, just my opinion. Either way we’re here for you!

    Now, it’s good that you’re going to fix this problem now. A couple years ago I CTed off of 30 mg of oxy, was clean for 6ish months. 54 days ago I CTed off 100+ mg of oxy. Fix it now.. because before you know it your dosage will go up and up and up. 30mg was much easier then 100. You don’t have to take my first advice but please take my second one. It’s scary. It stinks for a while. But it’s possible. There’s tons of posts still going on today from members who have years of clean time, go read those for motivation. Keep posting. We’re all here for you whatever you decide!

  20. #50
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone2008 View Post
    I called a doctor today. Made a sub appointmentfor June 7th. She does this out of her house which is a little odd to me. I have to pick up a drug test from walmart and bring it with me.

    I'm so terrified of doing this but I need to find something. I have enough oxy to get me through Sunday if I only take 10-20 mg a day. I was taking 30 - 40 mg every day. Usually the 20s and I would cut them and chew them up. I took a 20mg OP this morning. I cut it in half and took half of it.

    Can I ask how the subs will work? Will I feel immediately better? Once I decide to taper will I go through withdrawls again? Will taking it make me sick at first? She told me since my appointment is at 4pm that I should not take any meds after 4am. I dont take any oxy after 6pm anyway so that wont be an issue it will just be a bad day at work. I take either ambien or lorazepam to sleep at night. Can I still take those with subs or will I be able to sleep again?

    Also what happens if I get hurt on subs? I assume I can't take any pain meds.. I will have to tell my doctor that I am taking subs. He is NOT going to be happy.
    Subs work by filling the receptors in your brain with the powerful opiate that they are to keep you from going into withdrawal. The other ingredient prevents the high that ordinary opiates provide. You shouldn't get sick when beginning them so long as you are far enough into withdrawal before you take your first dose. With due respect to your doctor, don't use the timeline she gave you to stop taking all meds. If your appointment is on Tuesday at 4pm, I would abstain from taking anything on both Sunday and Monday. As I mentioned to you, find and print out the COWS worksheet. You will score your symptoms and once you reach a minimum score of 26, it'll be safe to begin inducting the subs. Once you begin taking subs, you will feel better quickly.

    When you begin to taper, it will be slowly enough that you shouldn't experience anything more than some mild symptoms for a day or two after a drop. Some drops may be more difficult than others but none should interfere with your life. Again, please print out Robert's Sub Taper Plan and read it carefully--twice. It will describe how you should induct. This will not agree with the way your doctor is going to tell you to do it but I hope that you take a leap of faith and do it the way it's done here. You will probably be prescribed way too much. If she insists that you dose when you're with her, just do it and come back here and someone will help you. If she doesn't, then pick up your script and before you begin, check in here. If you let us know approximately what time you'll be home, someone will try to be here to help.

    You're right. Other pain pills will have no effect while you're taking subs. If you need surgery or get hurt, you'll have to tell your doctors that you are on sub therapy so they can help you.

    Because you've been taking xanex already, it would be dangerous to stop suddenly so you should continue with those. Stop all other comfort meds except things like high blood pressure medication, etc. Gabapentin, aspirin, any thing else that you might take, stop and wait until you induct. Those comfort meds will delay your score on the COWS.

    I went on and on in my post yesterday about taking your first sub too soon. I'm reminding you that if you do take it too soon, it will throw you into precipitated withdrawal. If this scares you, it should. It's horrible and there's not a thing you can do to make it better. More sub won't work. So please be careful. You'll need to stop any pain medication sooner than Tuesday morning. You want to get this right the first time.

    Hope this helps. Ask questions. It's important.

    Peace,

    Cat

  21. #51
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    Thank you everyone! I am in such a whirlwind right now. My appointment is on the 7th and I only have enough meds until this Sunday so honestly... who knows I might already be through the worst of wds and may be able to cancel my appointment and avoid subs altogether.

    My biggest issues are after the first week. The depression, joylessness and numbness are what I need to get through the most.

    I will read all of the info. Twice. I just can't live like I have been the past 2 years. My daughter asked me why I'm always sick. I ask myself the same question. The only time I feel normal is when I take the oxy and participate in life.

    The past 2 days I'm on 10-20 before then I've been much higher I have just run out. The person I get them from is out right now and I'm tired of being up when I'm stocked and a mess when I'm counting down my last pills. On Sunday I think I took around 60mg but not sure. Just kept taking them until I had energy.

  22. #52
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    I'm looking for Robert's taper plan. What is a sticky?
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  23. #53
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    I found it! Now just have to download cows
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  24. #54
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    I hope you decide to cancel the appointment. You are so right. If you are almost out and can't get more, by the 7th the detox symptoms will be behind you and that's usually what scares us the most. It honesty shouldn't be awful if you can get your head in the right place. It's not fun, that's for sure but the timing is right. If you could make a call when the going gets rough it makes it easy to give in.

    Just like I said, it's the aftermath of detox that is the real deal. Support. Support. Support. There are other things that I have done to get past those weeks and others have their own ideas. We'll share when you get there.

    Good luck and keep posting. It helps so much to pass the time. Honestly if I were you, I'd shoot to take my last dose on Thursday sometime. Friday you'll begin to feel some anxiety but it's not that bad. By Friday night, the symptoms will be setting in and by the time Monday comes along, you'll be on Day 4 or the 5 it usually takes to feel better. I say go for it.

    Peace,

    Cat

  25. #55
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    I'm psyching myself up to do that. I might dose Friday morning for my interview but then no more. I just NEED to get through this job interview in one piece and I know I'm going to be grilled.

    I keep reading and re-reading my old posts and keep thinking if I would have been stronger I would be at a year soon.

    I guess the other piece that scares me is that I discovered that I have a pretty severe injury that might require surgery. I've been walking around on a broken foot for months. I haven't had too much pain because of my usage. I'm worried that the pain once clean is going to be bad too.

    My hubby has been in the dark these last few months. When I lost my job we had to quit therapy. I stopped going to meetings and have been in this cycle of hell. Things are not good at home and I medicate to get through. I think that I'm thinking that subs are going to be my cure. I will still be able to power through, cook, clean, be happy and just feel good without doing something illegal. Honest truth... if I didn't have to worry about where and how I get my meds I would still take them. It's like the super anti-depressant for me. I guess my hope was just that or is just that subs will let me live my life without withdrawals and depression.... stupid I know.

    I cry all the time now. I cry because I dont want to feel like crsp for a week or deal with the aftermath of withdrawls. I cry because I'm scared. I cry because I'm an addict. I also have finally said aloud that I HATE my doctor. The one who had me take this >>>> for 6 weeks continuously and told me if I didn't I would be in such excruciating pain I would have to be hospitalized. That was 2.5 years ago. I know she isn't the one who found them on the street for me but I also think if it wasn't for her overprescribing I wouldn't be here. I hate her. I feel like she is somewhat responsible for taking my life away.

  26. #56
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    The reading and research is killing me. The more I read the more I think subs are not the answer. I had 20mg today. 10 this morning and 10 at about 3pm. Its 8pm and I feel pretty good. The issue I have is that I'm taking oxy OP which I believe is extended release so I think it stays with me for 12ish hours. Tomorrow I am shooting for 5mg in the morning and 5mg in the afternoon. It's still the extended release but it's a decrease, right?

    Then I am going to try and do the same on Thursday. 10mg total. If all goes well I will do the same Friday.

    Then comes the time to jump. Do I taper down again to 2.5mg twice a day for a few days or just stop. I have Saturday - Monday with no work so I can feel somewhat miserable but is 4 days enough? I am so worried about the withdrawls.

  27. #57
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey I think that's a great choice. You will prolly feel like chit for a week to ten days. Just think of it like you have a bad flu. This too shall pass I promise you. Look into getting face to face support it will help you getting and staying clean. I was so scared of the withdrawals it kept me in active addiction 40years.. But I'm almost 19months clean and the hell I went threw was so worth it. You can do this you are worth it...

  28. #58
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Platinum Member
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    What I would suggest. Is to stay at the 10mg tomorrow, Thursday and friday. Then rip off the bandaid and jump. Now that drop may be a bit aggressive since it's a 50% drop. You'll probably feel some w/d symptoms. But you want to give yourself as much time off to get through the physical w/d. Usually by the 5th day you're on the downslope and feeling better. Job interview is Friday morning right? So maybe your last dose will be right before. Or maybe even the night before if you feel up to it. Your call. And again this is just me.

    I'm glad you aren't thinking about going the sub route. They are strong, estimated somewhere around 30 times stronger than morphine. And with the long half life they are just a beast to break free of. It can be done, but with the small amount you are taking it would be like killing a house fly with a sledgehammer.

    Have you seen the Thomas recipe? You've been around so I'm sure some one has mentioned it. I'd say get through the interview stock up on supplements, imodium, and water/gatorade and ride it out this weekend.

    But again, just my opinion. It's your show.

    Keep us updated, and have a great night.
    Beef
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  29. #59
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Totally agree with Beef here. Rip that bandaid off. Honestly, it's the best way. Cutting the way you are is one of the reasons why you're feeling the way you do. You're staving off the worst of the symptoms which is fine for now but you are freaking yourself out over what happens when it all ends. I get it. I swear because I've been there enough times to know exactly what this feels like. I can also tell you without reservation that the anxiety and dread we feel leading up to jumping is far worse than the event itself. While no fun, it absolutely feels like a bad flu. You've done this so you know. That makes it worse because we don't want to go through it again but you have made it before and you'll do it again.

    The subs. Sigh. I know how I was searching the internet to figure out how to dodge the inevitable. It ain't there. If it was, one of us would have found it. Subs will only delay things unless it's your intent to stay on subs forever. I hope not! Once you've tapered the subs, you'll face the jump which is scary. I've never used subs but I've seen every single other member here coming up to their jump and every single one is terrified. Every single one faced the same issues as those who jump cold turkey. They still have to work their recovery and they still have that empty feeling when the subs are done. I guess that's the point I've tried to make to you. Especially because you have your dose down low, the best thing you can do is to do it now.

    OK. Off my soapbox. This is your journey so it's your call. Whatever you do, we're here. Promise.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  30. #60
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    Cat do you think with the tapering it wont be as bad? I know I'm hoping for a miracle here but I was reading about some other opiate taperes and they seemed somewhat manageable >>. What I went through before.

    I've been reading about the Thomas recipe again and trying to prepare myself as much as possible.

    I also have a lot of anxiety with the way this sub doctor works. I am thankful that I couldn't get in right away because at the time I called I was desperate but I am really concerned that they work out of their home and I have to buy and bring in a drug test kit from the store.
    Catrina likes this.

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