Page 1 of 5 123 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 30 of 127
Like Tree124Likes
My story
  1. #1
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default My story

    So here we go... It's my turn. I've been lurking and researching but have only posted once today.

    I've been fighting addiction, wow.. I've never said that before. It's always been dependency, never addiction, for a year now. This is my 2nd attempt at getting clean. I, like lots of others had surgery that had some complications which led me to take perscribed oxy for 6 weeks. 20mg every 4 hours. When I finally stopped taking them I got violently ill so I took a dose and felt 100% better in 20 minutes. That's when I realized I had a problem. I talked to my surgeon about it and her solution was to give me another perscription of oxys.

    Fast forward 3 weeks and I couldn't take it anymore. I went and saw my regular doctor and broke down. I'm not an addict. I didn't ask for this. He was VERY understanding and we worked out a taper schedule. After 1 week of tapering I saw him and told him I wanted to be done. He gave me Lorazapam, clonadine and hydroxyzine and told me what to expect. Honestly it was 5 days of hell but I got through it. I had my family for support.

    Fast forward a few months and I got pnemonia. It was really bad. IV antibiotics and of course pain pills. I got back on the high and habit. So at that time there was no turning back. I'm ashamed to say this but I stole for my addiction. I lied for my addiction. Anything I could do to get pain pills. They were my everything. I felt so good when I took them. I was so happy and felt so amazing. But as some of you know they can be hard to come by. I would get them from friends or family. I took advantage of peoples concern for me. I made up lies to doctors about pain to get just another 10 more. I then found a dealer who would help me support my habit.

    Then I did the thing that is why I am here now. My biggest regret of my life. I convinced my obgyn to give my a hysterectomy. I convinced him that I was in so much pain and anguish that I needed to have surgery. ALL TO GET PAIN PILLS. I went into major surgery just to get high. Just to function. I took away the chance for us to have another child. I honestly lost something that can never be reclaimed. I lost a part of me, no, I GAVE AWAY a part of me.

    Seriously WTF is wrong with me?

    So here I am on day 7 of w/d. Still feeling miserable. I can't keep my temp normal, I can't stop sweating and I keep praying that this time I am done for good.

    So if you've made it this far I have 2 questions for you.

    1. Having a history of Kidney stones, what happens when I get another one? How do I manage pain and surgery without meds?

    2. Do you ever feel actual normal again? I feel like my life consists of me waiting for 8pm because I can go crawl in a hole and pretend to sleep and be miserable without all the questions. My family and doc do not know about my relapse. I go to work (haha I barely make it through because I don't care), I come home and breeze through mom and wife stuff (half a$$ it because I don't care) and wait until I can crawl into my safe haven of bed.

    Thanks for letting me get it out there. This is the first time I have ever told my story.
    Catrina and Six1duece like this.

  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,520

    Default

    Welcome!

    You have just entered to no-judgement zone. It's safe here and I doubt that you could say anything that would shock us. Seriously. Believe it or not, you have made the first huge step and done one of the hardest parts of this. Nope. Not detox. Admitting that you have crossed the line into being an addict. That's a hard pill to swallow (pun intended). None of us want to admit that. It just has such a horrible stigma. I am a recovering addict. I was active for nearly 20 years at huge doses. I've now been clean for over 7 1/2 years after countless relapses. This is about you so I won't share my war stories, at least not now but I've done soooo many things that are just shameful AND dangerous. All for the sake of getting a few pills that would barely get me thru the day.

    1. Having a history of Kidney stones, what happens when I get another one? How do I manage pain and surgery without meds?
    This is what I fondly call the "what ifs". We all do that. Every single one of us. Lesson number one is to learn exactly what one day at a time means. I know it sounds simple but it goes deeper than just the words. We can't worry about tomorrow, let alone next week or next year. No doubt there will come a time where you're going to face something for which it would be standard to get a script for pain killers. It happens. When the time comes, you will know what to do. Step one is to tell your doctor everything so that he/she is aware and can keep tabs on you. Your doctor will become your best friend if you put your trust in him/her. I just had two major back surgeries. One last February and the most recent in late May of this year. I now am on bed rest because there's a fracture in my back. I've been clean for over 7 and half years and I've been taking Advil or Aleve tor pain control and I'm managing. This was my decision. I figured I'd try to do this narcotic free as long as I could tolerate it and amazingly enough, I'm able to manage. We deal with these things one day at a time. I may become so miserable tomorrow that I'll be calling the surgeon for a script but for today, I'm OK. One day at a time.


    2. Do you ever feel actual normal again? I feel like my life consists of me waiting for 8pm because I can go crawl in a hole and pretend to sleep and be miserable without all the questions. My family and doc do not know about my relapse. I go to work (haha I barely make it through because I don't care), I come home and breeze through mom and wife stuff (half a$$ it because I don't care) and wait until I can crawl into my safe haven of bed.

    Yes! Even better than normal. My active addiction was a total nightmare but I've learned so many life skills because of it. I not only came out the other side, but I came out a better human being. Admittedly, I wouldn't recommend becoming an addict to learn life lessons but this is the lemonade. I didn't get here by sitting on my laurels. It took a lot of painful work. I had to revisit all that I had done for the sake of maintaining my addiction. I had to face things that pills had allowed me to avoid for years and newly clean they felt brand new. I had to face all the hurt I inflicted on my family with the hope that forgiveness would be given. It was. I am more compassionate and totally non-judgmental. Just an overall better person. It doesn't happen overnight and we have to look at a lot of stuff that we would prefer to bury deep and never have to look at again. But look at it we must so that we can come to terms with it and then let it go. It's definitely a process and that process is made much easier when we ask for support. This Forum is wonderful! But face to face time in meetings and/or with a therapist will provide you with the support that you're going to need. I know you don't want to think about that let alone begin to go to meetings but it's only the first one or two that are hard. After that, you're apt to find your life line there.

    Keep posting. Be proud of yourself and find some small things that will help you to begin to feel better about yourself. Leave this shame behind you. It's a total waste of time and energy. You're doing the right thing and you just have to keep doing the next right thing. No one wakes up one morning and decides that they want to become an addict--starting today. It happens to the best of us. It's what we do with it that's important and you're doing it.

    Peace,

    Cat

  3. #3
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    29

    Default

    Thanks for sharing your story. I am right there along with you. Some differences. But the main similarity being that I started using pills for legitimate reasons. I was never going to be an addict because that just wasn't who I was. I always felt I had everything under control. I had a big ah ha moment where I realized I did NOT have things under control too. It was heartbreaking for me to realize what I was. But it was truly the first step to realizing what I needed to do.

    You are doing great! You are further along in your detox than I am and I hope that you turn the corner soon and start feeling better. It felt so good those months I was completely away from pills. I can't believe I am back here and I am sure you feel the same way. I am trying to turn the shame I feel into a healthy commitment to NOT do this again.

    I hear you when you are wondering what you will do about possible future pain issues. I have chronic pain. It is never going to go away and in the beginning the pills were a good tool for helping me manage that pain. But now it has become what it has become. I know I can't moderate the pills or use them responsibly which means I simply can't use them. I have no idea how I will manage my pain long term. The months I was without pills I had good days and bad days. The bad days called me back to the pain pills and whispered all kinds of lies to me about how I could handle it now that I had learned my lesson. One thing I am going to need to do is put some effort into finding non-medication ways to work through pain so I can turn to that and have something to focus on other than starting to think "pills!" Maybe you should have an emergency plan in place for if you begin to pass stones again. (I know the pain, I had this happen 11 years ago and it was horrible). They will probably give you something through an IV in the hospital and yes, that might mess with your head. But Cat is right, be honest and upfront right away about your situation so they don't send you home with anything.

    I will be following along with you so make sure you check in and let us know how you are doing.
    Elcey and Beefaroni7272 like this.

  4. #4
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default

    Thanks guys! It honestly makes me feel better to talk about it and know that I'm not alone.

    Want to know something funny, today was a great day. I went into the office and felt good. I didn't even think about oxy today. Which is weird because every single day for the past several months its been the one true thought on my mind. I was sort of in shock because of it. Oxy got me through the work day. I have my daughters soccer game tonight and it will be the first game I go to that I will be sober. Its a weird feeling.

    I do worry about future pain a lot. I can't take NSAIDS and tylenol doesn't help but I think I've used that as such an excuse to abuse. I need to stop worrying and focus on all the positive in my life.

    I have come to some realizations lately. I may start another thread since its a new topic but I absolutely want your opinions.

    Thank you both again and heres to more good days to come, for all of us.
    Elcey likes this.

  5. #5
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default

    Cat - quick question. You mentioned in another post that if you are able to sleep a few hours at night its the turning point. Do you mean sleep with no assistance?

    The reason I ask is that I have been alternating between ZzzQuil, Lorazapam and Melatonin to sleep at night. (don't want to be dependant on benzos and this was what the doc recommended last time) I sleep maybe 3 straight hours then wake up, toss and turn, and sleep for an hour then repeat that one hour cycle until I finally get up for the day. I also have a REALLY hard time falling asleep no matter what I take.

    I was just curious if you meant with or without a sleepaid.

  6. #6
    Elcey is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Posts
    418

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone2008 View Post
    Cat - quick question. You mentioned in another post that if you are able to sleep a few hours at night its the turning point. Do you mean sleep with no assistance?

    The reason I ask is that I have been alternating between ZzzQuil, Lorazapam and Melatonin to sleep at night. (don't want to be dependant on benzos and this was what the doc recommended last time) I sleep maybe 3 straight hours then wake up, toss and turn, and sleep for an hour then repeat that one hour cycle until I finally get up for the day. I also have a REALLY hard time falling asleep no matter what I take.

    I was just curious if you meant with or without a sleepaid.
    Hiya Longgone, I'll be watching for Cat's answer too with great interest. Sleep is all I talk about at the moment. Day 11 for me and it's been a terrible time, almost each and every night. Never been this bad before. My thread shows how many times I tried one more kick at the can before I just had to throw in that old stinky towel and start gettin' the job done. My doctor is now in the gameplan so I'm feeling a little safe about not relapsing again. Never ever been a person to get pills from "contacts" and don't intend to start now.

    Tonight I am taking a .5 clonazepam that my brother gave me and I hope that will help finally with giving me some sleep.

    I am glad to have you on this journey and we all go thru our "holy moly, stuff we did to get drugs" periods. My lower back pain is also degenerative and chronic. I had an acupuncture session 3 weeks ago and I found it very helpful. He also gave me oil and a patch with awful tar-type junk on it to wear during the day for 5 days. The pain is still there, but much alleviated. My T3's which I was taking in really large quantities didn't really do anything except numb my brain out for like a total of 1/2 hour, then I'd clock watch until next dose. What a life!

    We're on the road now, happy you're around. Hopefully we don't come across each other throughout the night cause I know we both want to sleep - good luck with it. Be encouraged - you're here and WELCOME Longgone!

    Elcey

  7. #7
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default

    Hi Elcey! It's certainly been a rough journey and I agree sleep right now is my biggest demon. I normally am a girl who needs a good 9 hours so to be getting so little has been killing me.

    Tonight is my lorazapam night but I want to just try ZzzQuil again. Hopefully one of these nights is the lucky one where I can just go to bed without anything. The funny thing is that on a Saturday or Sunday I can lay down and take a good 2 hour nap. I've tried to skip the nap and thought that sleep would come at night but no such luck.

    Another weird question that I really haven't found an answer to is I have been breaking out so badly all over my face and back. I can only assume that this has to do with the sweats but I'm not sure.

    I also am running to the bathroom all the time. The diarrhea is a given but this is mainly to urinate. I go 3 or 4 times a night and probably 5 times a day. My water intake isn't more then normal and I usually don't go that often so I didn't know if this was part of the w/d process.

    Anyway, hope you are soon off to dream land.

  8. #8
    Elcey is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Posts
    418

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone2008 View Post
    Hi Elcey! It's certainly been a rough journey and I agree sleep right now is my biggest demon. I normally am a girl who needs a good 9 hours so to be getting so little has been killing me.

    Tonight is my lorazapam night but I want to just try ZzzQuil again. Hopefully one of these nights is the lucky one where I can just go to bed without anything. The funny thing is that on a Saturday or Sunday I can lay down and take a good 2 hour nap. I've tried to skip the nap and thought that sleep would come at night but no such luck.

    Another weird question that I really haven't found an answer to is I have been breaking out so badly all over my face and back. I can only assume that this has to do with the sweats but I'm not sure.

    I also am running to the bathroom all the time. The diarrhea is a given but this is mainly to urinate. I go 3 or 4 times a night and probably 5 times a day. My water intake isn't more then normal and I usually don't go that often so I didn't know if this was part of the w/d process.

    Anyway, hope you are soon off to dream land.
    I had a super night finally and updated my thread with it. I'm wondering if the extra urination might be b/c a lot of the opiates we used to take actually caused less urination I believe. So it could be your kidneys just re-balancing themselves? Someone more knowledgeable than me could maybe answer that.

    The good news is if you just try the Zzzquil and have trouble, along with rls, then you COULD still try the lorazepam. But remember all the caution everyone says about how powerful those benzos are. I sure wish you luck tonight. I've NEVER been able to nap. My ex could drop off at a second's notice and I used to get so frustrated. I have a chattering mind and really need to practice some meditation methods.

    Also hope the breakouts calm down - ever think about seeing your doctor about that? Perhaps some kind of cream? They are bites of some kind? I'm really allergic to mosquito/fly bites and swell up like a balloon - specially spiders!

    You are so close in recovery time to me, and we all respond differently I know. It's wonderful to have you on the journey!
    Later, Elcey

  9. #9
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default

    Elcey that is awesome to hear!! I'm so glad you had a good night. Mine was the same up and down all night. I just have to ride it out.

    I do have to say that today has been another pretty good day. So I think I'm at the tail end of the horribleness.

    Although I am going out with some friends tonight and I have been thinking a lot about oxys today. I just want a few to get me through the night. Stupid thoughts but I have to be honest. I won't do it but the thought is lingering. The nice thing about it is that I have no where to get any so no matter how tempted I get that is out of the question.

    Another huge fear I have is that the end of next week I know that the person I used to get them from will have their supply again and it would only be a phone call away. It's hard not to think about but I also have to keep telling myself that I am stronger then that. What I truly have trouble with is the thought.... Just have a few on hand... Just in case. But the problem for me is that there is no just in case. They would be gone as fast as I get them. Once I put one in my mouth the rest would go down as easy as air.

    I know this but at the same time still have that stupid thought.

    Anyway, thanks for the reply. Its so nice to have people to talk to. So nice to have the support.
    Elcey likes this.

  10. #10
    zebra1961 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    151

    Default

    Longgone, Hey your story is the same as many of us we get hurt need surgery and then come the pills, they have a function but needless to say it does not take long to become dependant on them or using them to feel good ( or so we think) Cut your ties to those who supply you , its too easy to relapse You don't need any pills anymore I am glad you know if you take one there will be no stopping. The longer you are away from them the cravings lessen so don't fall into using again. I quit 14 months ago after 10 years of using, so I and many others here have stayed clean so I now you can do it this life is wayyyyyyy better, never forget why you quit it will never be better if you start again. Hang tough it will improve.
    Elcey and Beefaroni7272 like this.

  11. #11
    Elcey is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Posts
    418

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone2008 View Post
    Elcey that is awesome to hear!! I'm so glad you had a good night. Mine was the same up and down all night. I just have to ride it out.

    I do have to say that today has been another pretty good day. So I think I'm at the tail end of the horribleness.

    Although I am going out with some friends tonight and I have been thinking a lot about oxys today. I just want a few to get me through the night. Stupid thoughts but I have to be honest. I won't do it but the thought is lingering. The nice thing about it is that I have no where to get any so no matter how tempted I get that is out of the question.

    Another huge fear I have is that the end of next week I know that the person I used to get them from will have their supply again and it would only be a phone call away. It's hard not to think about but I also have to keep telling myself that I am stronger then that. What I truly have trouble with is the thought.... Just have a few on hand... Just in case. But the problem for me is that there is no just in case. They would be gone as fast as I get them. Once I put one in my mouth the rest would go down as easy as air.

    I know this but at the same time still have that stupid thought.

    Anyway, thanks for the reply. Its so nice to have people to talk to. So nice to have the support.
    Thanks for the support Longgone! The days are beginning to add up and I am thankful to say that I'm feeling like they are. Forget your "contact". First off, that's a whole week away, you'll already be a week more clean time! Suggest you send them a text, explaining only that you're off the opiates and plan on staying clean. Then delete the number and block any calls/texts. That will keep you safe. You're this far and you don't want to have to go thru the anxiety knowing your drug is a phone call away. Living like that sucks and I did it for so very long. I feel very free now, knowing there's no way for me to get anything.

    Always here to support in any decision you make, only offering my advice. Like has been said on this forum so very many times - You have to really want to stay clean - 100% commitment. Once the commitment's made, things seem to fall into place. Don't worry about it now, let me know how you're feeling Thursday/Friday. I'll bet you'll be feeling even better.

    Stay strong Longgone and sleep well!
    Elcey

  12. #12
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default

    2 weeks today! Honestly I feel pretty good. The only symptoms that are lasting is the frequent bathroom visits, sleepless nights and lack of real motivation. All other w/d are gone. I don't even think about oxy 90% of the time.

    I really just want the happy motivated person back. That is the hardest part right now. I don't want to do anything. I know it takes time and I will get there but it's frustrating.
    Elcey and Beefaroni7272 like this.

  13. #13
    Elcey is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Posts
    418

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone2008 View Post
    2 weeks today! Honestly I feel pretty good. The only symptoms that are lasting is the frequent bathroom visits, sleepless nights and lack of real motivation. All other w/d are gone. I don't even think about oxy 90% of the time.

    I really just want the happy motivated person back. That is the hardest part right now. I don't want to do anything. I know it takes time and I will get there but it's frustrating.
    Woohoo!! 2 weeks is awesome! I think I am 18 (woohoo there too) I understand still about the sleep, I have real ocd issues around that so even if I'm getting sleep, it occupies way too much head space during each and every day. Completely different issue. I'm still getting rls almost Every Night and that's a sleep stopper right there. I don't understand why it's taking so long to get that relieved.

    If it's any consolation Longgone, my motivation seems to have pretty much come back just this week, so there's hope! I know you work, but are you able to get any exercise in during your 24 hours? I know that exercise will help kick in the endorphins giving us a boost. And it can become a good habit.

    Very happy for you that you've no cravings. Even with my back bothering me still, I've come to the hard realization that it's not enough to cause massive doses of codeine. Although I will take a tylenol and aleve together at least once/day.

    Anyways, enough out of me, just had to pop by to say a hearty congrats on your 2 weeks!
    Elcey

  14. #14
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default

    Well here we go again. Day 3 for me. I feel so dumb, so stupid, so low. I don't know why I started again but I did.

    My physical withdrawls were gone. I think it was the feeling of loss. Something that had been a part of me for so long was gone. I couldn't feel joy or motivation and thought just a few to get my house clean and sleep tonight. That's all I need. That was all I needed. No withdrawls after that day. I went another week. Then it happened again. So now here I sit on day 3. I've been using for a few months again and honestly, I just want to feel better.

    Most of the severe w/d is gone. Its just the wanting a little bit of happiness.
    Catrina and Elcey like this.

  15. #15
    Cynthia John is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Posts
    1

    Default

    I hope that in the near future your health will improve. Do not give up

  16. #16
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    3,202

    Default

    Hey Longgone 08... welcome back...a relapse don't beat yourself up at least you made it back.. I so get that lost lonely broken Feeling have you looked into getting face to face support? Na,Aa thearpy counseling? I truly feel it would benefit you. Keep posting let us know what your plans are moving forward..We are all here to support you... Stay Strong for Today..
    Elcey likes this.

  17. #17
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,520

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone2008 View Post
    Well here we go again. Day 3 for me. I feel so dumb, so stupid, so low. I don't know why I started again but I did.

    My physical withdrawls were gone. I think it was the feeling of loss. Something that had been a part of me for so long was gone. I couldn't feel joy or motivation and thought just a few to get my house clean and sleep tonight. That's all I need. That was all I needed. No withdrawls after that day. I went another week. Then it happened again. So now here I sit on day 3. I've been using for a few months again and honestly, I just want to feel better.

    Most of the severe w/d is gone. Its just the wanting a little bit of happiness.
    Welcome back! Sorry about the circumstances but you had the courage to come back and try again. That's what it's really all about. How bad did it get the past couple of months? I mean what and how much were you using? This post was yesterday and your Day 3 so today is your Day 4. The worst of this is almost done and you've done well. Now it's going to be all about how you don't trip up again. What are you going to do differently? That's the question that is going to have to be answered.

    I can't even guess how many times I relapsed until my last Day 1. It was only after finding this Forum and being asked that very question that it even occurred to me that I should be thinking more about what I'm going to do differently this time than why it happened. I think that if you figure out what you're going to do this time, the answer to why this happened may reveal itself. Once the worst of the physical discomfort has passed, we're left to deal with early recovery and it's tough. I think I can blame every single one of my own relapses on the same reason you had. I just wanted a break. Just one day that I'd have energy and be able to sleep. A time out. It seemed like such a good idea. Certainly I had learned my lesson and I could control it this time. Not so much. I think that this lesson is one that we have to learn for ourselves though. There just isn't an easy way to get there. Time and work and it will get better. It will always get better. As bad as detox can be, it's the easy part. That is not to say that recovery doesn't get easier after some time, because it does. We have to find the endurance to get there.

    Glad you're back. How you doing today? Keep posting and post often. It helps!

    Peace,

    Cat

  18. #18
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default

    Thanks for the support guys. I don't really even know the why. I've been seeing a therapist with my hubby and trying to work out some issues there. Its been helpful but at times I've just wanted that escape.

    I've debating talking to my hubby about my relapse. No one knows. He thinks I have the flu and the only reason he thinks that is because everyone in the house is sick. Truth be told I wouldn't be here if my dealer hadn't run out.

    I've been using 10 mg percs, 20 mg oxys, 30 mg oxys and 60 mg oxys. I have been cutting them into 1/4 pieces besides the percs. Those I take 2 of at a time. The oxys are time released so I chew them up. I can't tell you how much I take in a day because I honestly don't know. I just take and take until I go to bed.

    Day 4. So here I sit. No major w/d except anxiety and restlessness. Maybe because I only used again for 2 months I am lucky with the withdrawls. Maybe because I have been taking clonadine and Lorazapam that has helped.

    Honestly I just want to take one more. I know that's horrible to say but its honest.

  19. #19
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Location
    Georgia
    Posts
    1,768

    Default

    Hey longgone. Tried to respond twice last night but sometimes my internet really sux. Don't worry about your slip up. We have all been there. But what cat said is so true. You gotta want this. I know all about the joylessness and sleep issues and lethargy. They are brutal. There's some supplements you can try that may help. I took b12, b complex, dl-phenylalanine, l tyrosine, and a multivitamin. Seems like a lot but they do help out and help you get back to "normal" whatever normal is. I just know that i have been feeling more like myself every day now. There are still good days and bad. But the good ones are coming more frequently now. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just gotta be willing to put in the time. Because unfortunately that is the greatest healer. It just takes time. Post as often as you like or need to. We are all here to support you on your journey. Just keep reminding yourself why you're doing this in the first place. You can do this!! Stay strong

    Beef
    Elcey likes this.

  20. #20
    Julayne11 is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    17

    Default

    I will share what helped me. One thing that my husband said that became a Montra was. "You are not dying honey, the pain you are in is your body healing". I noticed early on that when I wallowed in bed it was not better even though that's what I wanted to do. When I had to do something I had a better day. Force yourself to do something daily in nature. Look around the trees and plants are prettier the sky is more blue. The sun for me was healing even if I was just laying in my yard. At one point I Had to drive and a song came on the radio and I realised that my mind wondered into the music and my body aaches went away. All the sudden I realised the pain was gone. I didn't just sit and toss and turn at night. I got some really fun sparkly pens and coloured those adult colouring books. I know it sound silly but it all helped.
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.

  21. #21
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default

    Thanks guys. The messages and encouragement helps so much. I picked up some multivitamins last night and think I am going to try and go to the gym today.

    I told my husband last night. I struggled with the thought of telling him but I wanted to be honest with him and not hide this. It went interestingly to say the least. He is so upset and hurt. He says that he can't trust me. He told me he would rather have had me tell him I cheated on him. That was the worst. He would rather have had me be unfaithful in our marriage. He said that it would have been easier to deal with because its a mistake and this means that I'm sick. I don't know how to take that.

    We both cried a lot. We talked a lot. He said that I am going to start going to meetings (I agreed) that we are going to talk to our pastor too. I just don't know how I feel about it all right now. I keep thinking if I would have kept it to myself that I wouldn't have lost his respect and trust and honestly that would be easier. I also know that I am accountable now. If I use again he will leave and take the girls.

    Julayne- yes I agree I need to do things. I typically love being outside but I hate the cold. It snowed here yesterday so its FREEZING out

    So day 5 -6 (my last dose was 7 mg oxy on Monday morning at 10am) I slept 6 hours last night tossing and turning on the couch. Took my clonidine and Lorazapam before bed so that helped. I picked up some ZzzQuil and melatonin last night too because I don't want to depend on the benzos.

    Just took a dose of ZzzQuil about an hour ago so hopefully I will get a few more hours before the sun comes up.

  22. #22
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    3,202

    Default

    Hello Longgone, Honesty, trust, It's going to take time and alot of work on yourself to rebuild that trust back. Of course he's upset and hurt keep doing the next right thing he's still by your side..the drugs take so much from us. Pastor, Counseling, thearpy face to face support Na,As will give you the tools to rebuild your new clean Life.. Proud of You. Time...you and your family will be so much better for it.. Stay Strong for Today...
    Catrina likes this.

  23. #23
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,520

    Default

    Good Morning,

    Ouch! I know it had to have been hard for you to have that chat with your husband but you have to know that it was one of the best things you could have done. This detox/recovery stuff is difficult enough without the added stress of having to try and keep it all a secret. Boy do I know how that feels! Trying to appear perfectly fine when all you want to do is go lay down.

    It's true that you will likely be under a magnifying glass for a time. It's OK. We all need accountability and everyone who cares about us, most especially our spouses and children, have to participate in their own form of recovery. Like it or not, they're a part of this. Your husband is going to have to learn to forgive you and learn to begin to trust you again and he will. Your job is to allow him the time to do it and to not resent it. None of this is easy on him either. Talk and talk a lot with him. At the very least, it will help him to understand what you're going through. A non-addict can't possibly even imagine what this is like so you can educate him. Not to look for sympathy (and I'd tell him that) but to include him so that he'll understand that you'll have good days and bad ones. So that he can expect it and he won't misinterpret what's going on. He doesn't know that your progress will be gradual, the first really good day you have will lead him to believe that you're all better now so imagine his disappointment when the next day is a bad one. He just might believe that you've relapsed when you have a good day. He doesn't know. Let him know how you're feeling both physically and mentally. There's always a danger for someone to imagine what's going on with others and it's almost always worse than the reality. In the long run, it will help both of you if you keep communication wide open. The best way to regain trust is to always be honest even when it's hard. You may even tell him that you promise that you will always tell him the truth so if he has questions, then ask. Let him know that you will always tell him the truth so he needs to be prepared if your answer is not the one he wants. Hopefully he'll be willing to participate in your recovery. There's not much that he can do but the thing he can do is to try and be understanding and to support you and really, that's the most important thing of all. When this is said and done and you have some clean time behind you, this practice of having open lines of communication will likely strengthen your marriage. May not feel like it at the moment but you can get through this and everything has a chance of being so much better.

    Keep posting. Day 5. The worst is almost mostly behind you. Yes! The benzos have to go. I know you don't want to if they help you sleep but don't tempt fate. Try any and all of the over the counter stuff. Some things might help and others will be useless. You're going to have a period of broken and terrible sleep. It will get better but not with the continued use of the benzos. No more lectures from me about them. I'm sure you know.

    Keep posting. You're doing great so keep it up.

    Peace

    Cat

  24. #24
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default

    Yesterday was honestly a really good day. It was the first that I went out and actually did something.

    Went to the bank, out to eat with the hubby then he went out hunting and I ran some errands and cleaned the house. I blared some good old music and just went as fast as I could. It was a good day.

    Today, not so much. I ache all over, have the chills and sweats. Keep running to the bathroom and feel like death.

    Just when you think you are over the hill you get shoved back down. Its a bit depressing to say the least. I tried today... I really did. I got up, put clothes on and did my hair and kept thinking to myself that if I just keep going the icky feelings will go away. So far they haven't. Yes.. I'm tempted today but I will not give in. I can't go through this again.

    The hubby has been pretty great. He has been asking a lot of questions and has been really supportive. I've cried a lot the past 48 hours. I think that scares him because I've always been the strong one. I'm not strong at all right now.

    Day 7. Here's to one week today.
    Beefaroni7272 and Elcey like this.

  25. #25
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Location
    Georgia
    Posts
    1,768

    Default

    Hey longgone. Sorry you don't feel good today. There will be days when you feel like you went in reverse a day or two. It's all part of the process. Eventually they will subside and you'll be having more of those good days and won't even be thinking about it anymore. It just takes time. Just keep your head up and know that this is only temporary. It sux but it is a process. This is way better. You're getting there. It'll be behind you soon. This too shall pass. You're doing great, keep us updated on your progress.

    Stay strong
    Beef
    Catrina and Lvg nghtmare like this.

  26. #26
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Beefaroni7272 View Post
    Hey longgone. Sorry you don't feel good today. There will be days when you feel like you went in reverse a day or two. It's all part of the process. Eventually they will subside and you'll be having more of those good days and won't even be thinking about it anymore. It just takes time. Just keep your head up and know that this is only temporary. It sux but it is a process. This is way better. You're getting there. It'll be behind you soon. This too shall pass. You're doing great, keep us updated on your progress.

    Stay strong
    Beef
    Thanks Beef! Yeah I forced myself up and out of the house so it got a little better.

    I have my first NA meeting tonight. I honestly was looking forward to going all day until now. 30 minutes before I have to leave and all I want to do is go take a hot bath and crawl into bed. Hopefully I can come up with the strength to go. The worst part for me is that it is starting to get so cold here. I absolutely hate winter and the cold weather. It makes me want to hide.

    I had such a funny feeling today while shopping. I felt like a newborn fawn if that makes sense. I was a little wobbly and unsure of myself. Sort of like coming out in the new world for the first time.

    I've been on this rollercoaster for about a year and I can't remember what sober is. I can't remember what life before oxys is like. That is such an odd feeling. I know that I am a different person on the drugs, my friends have even mentioned how different I've been since surgery... Little do they know. I just wonder if I will get back to that person I was before or is someone new will emerge from the ashes. Its somewhat terrifying.

    Can I ask how long it took some of you to get back to a sense of normalcy? Basically where the most of the physical symptoms stop? I just want to stop feeling weak, hot, cold, sweaty, foggy, etc...

    I also go back to work tomorrow... I had the flu last week... I'm really nervous about that.

  27. #27
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,520

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone2008 View Post
    Thanks Beef! Yeah I forced myself up and out of the house so it got a little better.

    I have my first NA meeting tonight. I honestly was looking forward to going all day until now. 30 minutes before I have to leave and all I want to do is go take a hot bath and crawl into bed. Hopefully I can come up with the strength to go. The worst part for me is that it is starting to get so cold here. I absolutely hate winter and the cold weather. It makes me want to hide.

    I had such a funny feeling today while shopping. I felt like a newborn fawn if that makes sense. I was a little wobbly and unsure of myself. Sort of like coming out in the new world for the first time.

    I've been on this rollercoaster for about a year and I can't remember what sober is. I can't remember what life before oxys is like. That is such an odd feeling. I know that I am a different person on the drugs, my friends have even mentioned how different I've been since surgery... Little do they know. I just wonder if I will get back to that person I was before or is someone new will emerge from the ashes. Its somewhat terrifying.

    Can I ask how long it took some of you to get back to a sense of normalcy? Basically where the most of the physical symptoms stop? I just want to stop feeling weak, hot, cold, sweaty, foggy, etc...

    I also go back to work tomorrow... I had the flu last week... I'm really nervous about that.
    Yes! We all know that feeling and it is weird. I know you're sick to death of reading and hearing that the time it takes to get back to being ourselves is different for each of us. I hated that too. For me, I began to get that fire in my belly after just about three weeks when I really began to feel the old me coming back. It was so, SO great. I was terrified too. I had abused opiates for so long I couldn't even remember what it was like to live without my doc. I'll tell you honestly, once I felt like I was returning to the land of the living, things moved along pretty quickly and the end result is that I stopped trying to remember what I used to be like because I like this new me. The experience of addiction and recovery has made me an even better human being that I could have ever hoped for. I'm more patient, more compassionate, A LOT LESS judgmental and my outlook on life is optimistic. I'm strong and I know that I'm a survivor. My goal now is to try and help just one person to the other side and in doing so, I am paying it forward even though I could never repay the kindness that was shown to me when I first found this Forum and I was totally broken.

    Look forward to the future, It's bright and even better than before. It really is!

    Peace,

    Cat

  28. #28
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    70

    Default

    Thanks Cat! That truly does help. Just hearing that there is an end in sight and knowing what others timeframes have been is oddly helpful.

    I made it to my first meeting tonight. I was so nervous. I pulled up to the treatment facility and it was dark and there were these 4 huge guys standing outside smoking. I wasn't sure where to park or if I was at the right building and honestly thought about just getting out of there. I am a fairly small woman and not very physically strong right now but I got out of the car and walked up to these guys and asked if they were there for the NA meeting. They all started smiling and saying yes and asking if I was a newcomer and started hugging each other and hugging me. All the fear I had drained away as these huge men gave me bear hugs and introduced themselves.

    I didn't really know what to expect at the meeting and couldn't follow along with everything but I am SO GLAD I went. I walked out of there feeling so positive. Yes, still physically feel >>>>>> but mentally feel better. Lets hope this lasts and the positivity stays. I'm going to another meeting on Wednesday and will absolutely be going back on Sunday next week.

    The hubby has been doing ok. He's been great with me but I can tell he's really worried and honestly upset/disappointed. I told him to come with me to meetings and observe or to go to Al-Anon meetings. He expressed interest in those. So we will see.

    Time for bed... Here's hoping to sleep and wake up to a great day 8.
    Beefaroni7272, Catrina and Elcey like this.

  29. #29
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,520

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Longgone2008 View Post
    Thanks Cat! That truly does help. Just hearing that there is an end in sight and knowing what others timeframes have been is oddly helpful.

    I made it to my first meeting tonight. I was so nervous. I pulled up to the treatment facility and it was dark and there were these 4 huge guys standing outside smoking. I wasn't sure where to park or if I was at the right building and honestly thought about just getting out of there. I am a fairly small woman and not very physically strong right now but I got out of the car and walked up to these guys and asked if they were there for the NA meeting. They all started smiling and saying yes and asking if I was a newcomer and started hugging each other and hugging me. All the fear I had drained away as these huge men gave me bear hugs and introduced themselves.

    I didn't really know what to expect at the meeting and couldn't follow along with everything but I am SO GLAD I went. I walked out of there feeling so positive. Yes, still physically feel >>>>>> but mentally feel better. Lets hope this lasts and the positivity stays. I'm going to another meeting on Wednesday and will absolutely be going back on Sunday next week.

    The hubby has been doing ok. He's been great with me but I can tell he's really worried and honestly upset/disappointed. I told him to come with me to meetings and observe or to go to Al-Anon meetings. He expressed interest in those. So we will see.

    Time for bed... Here's hoping to sleep and wake up to a great day 8.
    Absolutely! The scariest part of meetings is walking through the door. That's a great story about those bouncer dudes giving you such a warm welcome. You came out with a more positive frame of mind. How do you keep that going? Easy. You keep getting to a meeting. Especially right now, it should be as often as possible. 90 meetings in 90 days. I know that this just isn't logical or possible for a lot of us but really, make the effort. Try to make it a part of your everyday routine at least for now. Try to engage one on one with some of the older (I don't mean age ) members to see if you can find a sponsor. You will and it's important. A good sponsor will be there at the drop of a hat if you're having a weak or difficult moment and you can pick up the phone and call him/her. Usually we just need a voice to tell us that it's going to be OK and to grab our hand to pull us off the ledge. This is amazing stuff. People who you don't even know and who don't owe you a thing will turn out to be a person that you will soon know you can rely upon when the going gets rough.

    So proud of you for walking thru those doors. Your story reminded me of going to my first Weight Watchers Meeting. lol I pulled into the parking lot at a local hotel/conference center where the meetings are held and when I didn't see any sign or anything to direct me to the right place I drove out of the parking lot three times and started to cry. I wanted to find the meeting and I wanted to go but it would have been so much easier to just leave and go home. Eventually, I parked my car and went into the building where there were signs directing me to where I needed to be. Nine months later, I was 50 lbs lighter. I've had plenty of ups and downs but today I weigh the same as I did when I reached my goal weight and that was over 30 years ago. It would have been so much easier to just leave and keep driving but I didn't do that. I walked through the doors.

    I will repeat...especially now, get to as many meetings as you possibly can get to. The more often you go, the greater the benefit. Like I said, work it into your routine. You wouldn't skip showering before going to work even if it meant you'd be a few minutes late. This is even more important. If you need to shuffle your schedule to fit meetings in, then that's what needs to be done.

    Good work! I'm proud of you. Going to that first meeting is monumental progress.

    Peace,

    Cat

  30. #30
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    3,202

    Default

    Proud of You.. Stay Strong for Today..

Page 1 of 5 123 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22