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Need Advice Please Help
  1. #1
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Default Need Advice Please Help

    Hi all,

    I am new here and must be breaking a rule cuz all my posts get deleted. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong even tho I've read the rules a few times. I e-mailed support but no response just another post deletion. I am not intentionaly breaking rules but I sincerely need help getting off these pain meds, all prescribed. So I'll try again with a few edits to my post and see what happens.

    What I really need to know is what advice can you give me. There seems to be some very helpful and knowledgeable folks on here. I really need to get off these meds and see if my body has completely forgotten how to control pain (its been 10 years) or if it can be controlled by an OTC med.
    However, I am deathly afraid of wd. I ran out early a couple times and those few days were horrible! I have almost a full script of fairly strong pain meds to work with. I have some hydroxyzine 25 mg from my dermatologist that I really don't need to take but heard somewhere it helps with withdrawal so I've been hanging on to it. I just filled my last script and have the hydroxyzine. I know I'm gonna have to go to an addiction spec to prove I am not an actual addict but drug-dependent to get my name off the bad list in case of surgery or something. I will probably be able to ask for subs at that time too, if I want. I would really like to get completely clean to see if my body is capable of dealing with the pain on it's own or with an OTC pain med.

    So, what do you think I should do? Do I have enough to taper or should I get subs and taper from them? And, if I can taper off with what I have, does the 25% every 4 days still apply?

    Thanks again for the reply and any suggestions you or others may have. And if I have broken another rule please let me know, hopefully I'll see it before it gets deleted.

  2. #2
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    In hopes that I don't get deleted again, and the 25% every 4 days is the right way to go with what I have, I just marked my calendar (on phone) every 4 days with a 4 so I don't get too confused. You know how it is these days, we do nothing without our phone. Since it is also my alarm clock, shortly after I wake up on the 4th day my phone will remind me. I sure hope I don't get deleted again. I know I already need help and I love the support and knowledge that is here.

  3. #3
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Default Find what works for you

    Quote Originally Posted by 1bluekat View Post
    Hi all,

    I am new here and must be breaking a rule cuz all my posts get deleted. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong even tho I've read the rules a few times. I e-mailed support but no response just another post deletion. I am not intentionaly breaking rules but I sincerely need help getting off these pain meds, all prescribed. So I'll try again with a few edits to my post and see what happens.

    What I really need to know is what advice can you give me. There seems to be some very helpful and knowledgeable folks on here. I really need to get off these meds and see if my body has completely forgotten how to control pain (its been 10 years) or if it can be controlled by an OTC med.
    However, I am deathly afraid of wd. I ran out early a couple times and those few days were horrible! I have almost a full script of fairly strong pain meds to work with. I have some hydroxyzine 25 mg from my dermatologist that I really don't need to take but heard somewhere it helps with withdrawal so I've been hanging on to it. I just filled my last script and have the hydroxyzine. I know I'm gonna have to go to an addiction spec to prove I am not an actual addict but drug-dependent to get my name off the bad list in case of surgery or something. I will probably be able to ask for subs at that time too, if I want. I would really like to get completely clean to see if my body is capable of dealing with the pain on it's own or with an OTC pain med.

    So, what do you think I should do? Do I have enough to taper or should I get subs and taper from them? And, if I can taper off with what I have, does the 25% every 4 days still apply?

    Thanks again for the reply and any suggestions you or others may have. And if I have broken another rule please let me know, hopefully I'll see it before it gets deleted.

    Alot of people will tell you that tapering doesn't work. It worked for me, or at least it has so far. I've been clean now for 7 days. Its still going to suck when you quit but I think its quite a bit lessened IF you can taper.

    Here's a super simple test to determine if tapering will work for you or not. Whatever you use normally, cut that by 30% for the next week. If you are feeling strong at the end of that week cut again by 25-30%. If you find you can't stick to the taper than there is your answer unfortunately I would say time for CT. Everyone is different, you are going to hear that repeatedly here.

    I would suggest going to listen to an NA meeting. Don't feel like a loser or intimidated to go. I was in full blown panic attacks yesterday and today I feel like I have a much better grasp on things.

    Worst case, you feel lousy, flu like for a 5-10 days and another few days to weeks of minor secondary effects. Sleep is tough. I can tell you that after 7 days I have no RLS anymore Most people find that the worst symptom so I hope you find some comfort in that.

    I truly wish you all the luck in the world and keep posting. Document your journey, then its here for you to look back on. I read mine everyday and am so thankful I got off when I did. If I did it you can do it too. Commit and attack!

    Your pal,
    Jeffro

  4. #4
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you so much for the advice Jeffro. Because of my absolute fear of wd I'm going to try the "taper test." I feel as tho this will be OK for me because when the pharmacy ran out of one of my meds I had to wait 2 weeks for the refill. And even tho I didn't feel quite right for those 2 weeks, I managed to make it. But, now, I'm done with it all. Counting pills, counting days, the fear of wd, I'm just done with it all. In a perfect world there would be no wd from anything but that must be my old, addicted brain talking.

    Thanks again. It helps immensely knowing that someone ahead of me, but who really knows what's going on, is listening! Thank you so much.

    1bluekat

  5. #5
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Oh, and most important of all, a big congrats on the 7 days!!!

  6. #6
    melindau is offline Member
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    Tapering worked for me!!! it saved my life!!! keep on going! xoxoxo
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  7. #7
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    I have to admit that I'm a little uncomfortable tonight but I keep telling myself "I am in control now." Maybe I'll split my doses tomorrow and see if that works better. Thanks for the encouraging words melindau! Each and every word helps so much! It's just so amazing to know someone is rooting for you. I knew this was the right place to come.

  8. #8
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    I am glad you are hanging in there..
    If you can taper go for it ..

    You better pick up a hobby or second job because once we are clean we have a lot of free time... Lol
    Just imagine how much time is spend on theses pills
    Counting
    Taking
    Worrying ..
    It is like a job ..
    Time to retire from this job and enjoy life from the clean side!
    Congratulations on making the best decision you will ever make..
    And deciding to do it here!
    You will get lots of support..

    Iluv2
    Efil Pleh likes this.

  9. #9
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    Good luck on your Taper bluekat. I never had the self control to accomplish that. I even put pills into little envelopes marked with the day, lol, but of course I was cheating immediately I felt the slightest bit of discomfort. What works for some doesn't work for all, but I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Keep posting and let us know how it's going.

  10. #10
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1bluekat View Post
    Thank you so much for the advice Jeffro. Because of my absolute fear of wd I'm going to try the "taper test." I feel as tho this will be OK for me because when the pharmacy ran out of one of my meds I had to wait 2 weeks for the refill. And even tho I didn't feel quite right for those 2 weeks, I managed to make it. But, now, I'm done with it all. Counting pills, counting days, the fear of wd, I'm just done with it all. In a perfect world there would be no wd from anything but that must be my old, addicted brain talking.

    Thanks again. It helps immensely knowing that someone ahead of me, but who really knows what's going on, is listening! Thank you so much.

    1bluekat
    It is truly my privilege and honor to give back to a forum that has given me more than I could ever ask or hope for. You will get the same out of it if you stick with it.

    Your switch is flipped, no going back. Your willpower is now in tact. It will get hard to taper at time but if you hang in there you are going to find minor discomfort about 2-3 days per week. Not so bad right? Eyes on the prize. I/we believe in you.

    Your pal,
    Jeffro

  11. #11
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you all so much for answering and the support. I truly believe I couldn't do it on my own and unfortunatly I have no drug-free friends. Even my daughter and her husband are caught in this web to the point of having their kids taken. But they are not any where near trying to quit, still blaming others.

    Well, my posts didn't get deleted again so hopefully they will stay from here on through. I don't know what I was saying before that got them deleted but I must have done it right this time. Hopefully, I can taper and quit right, too.

    Last night was pretty bad, started with a little RLS, butterflies in stomach, these last pills calling out to me in a very loud and clear voice. Got worse and worse. I told those thoughts they're not in control anymore,>that I am and it actually worked for a couple hours! When they started up again at 2 am, I took one valium and a couple Elavil (originally prescribed for sleep anyway) and finally fell asleep. I think the problem was that I dosed my 25% less all at once. So today I'll try to split them up. Half now and half later. Of course my stupid brain is telling me "hey, that's not enough and you know it." Such mental games our minds play on us to stay addicted. But I plan on waiting until I almost can't stand it before I take the other half. I also woke up in extreme pain. I'm sure it was part real and part that bad brain. I took a couple Aleve and the pain is tolerable now. Amazing! I'm determined to see this through untill the end. Then maybe I can help someone here in a similar situation.

    Thank you all for the support. You don't know what it means to me that you are all so encouraging, well I guess a lot of you actually do because you've been there. It also seems to help to read others journeys on the boards. I don't know why, but it helps.

    Thanks again and I can't wait to be in a position to help others through this h..l.

  12. #12
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Well I only made it 5 hrs to take the other half. But I know if I wait too long they'll keep me awake (if sleep is possible). Is that justifying for the beast or is it just because I know how many body reacts on these pills? I'm not sure of the answer to that one. But, no more today either way. That much I do know.

  13. #13
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    not "many" but "my"...I'm usually good at proofing before I post

  14. #14
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    I am on day 4 of taper test. I seem to be ok except for the continuous butterflies in my stomach and the occasional beginnings of RLS. I found splitting doses to help a lot but this d..n stomach.

    Jeffro and Mommy, I've been following your journeys closely and pat yourselves on the back for conquering that nasty beast. Mommy very proud of your Big Flush. Not many could do something like that!

    When payday comes I'm gonna get the ingredients to the Thomas Recipe for a fall-back if I get too weak, both mentally and physically.

    I believe I've been blacklisted and I was told to go to an addiction spec to clear my name, which I intend to do. But I want to be able to say, you know, kinda nonchalantly, "Oh, I just weaned myself off all that morphine."

    Anyway, I'm hanging in on the 25%. It's actually more because I knew this would be my last script ever, I cut 60 mgs immediately. I didn't figure this 60 into the 25% equation. So maybe that's the reason for these butterflies. Trying to stay strong. This is my very last wd. One way or another.

  15. #15
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Today wasn't too bad, all in all. This morning wasn't too pleasant. It seems as if I wake up every morning in the early stages of wd. Yawning, tearing, butterflies, the need to keep stretching or RLS will set in (I fear) and a little panicky. Could this be because the very first thing I used to do was take a pill or two, even before I got out of bed? I had fooled myself into thinking this was necessary a very long time ago. Unfortunately, I continued this until I started this taper. Now I wait for as long as I can before I take that first dose.

    It wasn't until around 2 pm that I felt I just had to have it today. I was going to try and just skip the second dose but around 8 pm I really needed it. I need to keep on schedule, my eye on the prize (thank you, Jeffro, from the bottom of my heart).

    I ran out of edible food so I HAD to go to a real store (as opposed to the gas station). With $19 left in my account every penny counts and the gas station's prices are too high for food, as I'm sure you all know. I dreaded getting out of bed, getting decently dressed, and driving to the store. But I just had to and you know what? It felt good! It felt good to get out, to interact with people, feel the sun, walk (well, as best I could), and generally have a normal experience doing a normal thing.

    You know, one of the reasons I got a dog was for protection (I'm a 55 y/o femal living alone) but another was to train him to be my service dog (I'll need one eventually). All the way. Have him pass the test, certified, the whole works. Even someone like me, with time invested, can train a dog to do these things and I've had a few dogs, all very well trained. This one has a few extra chores I plan on teaching him.

    Anyway, the whole point was that for months I haven't felt like doing too much of anything except watching TV - gee, I wonder why. But today was an eye-opener and I think I found that job Iluv2smile mentioned (thank you too, luv2, you're right on about having more time). I can put a lot of energy into this and both me and my dog will benefit greatly. Who knows, may be this can turn into a paying job I'm able to do.

    Ah, but I'm rambling, sorry, but...I've changed my calendar reminders to reduce 25% every days for the rest of this month. Then maybe shorten the reduction by one day each week. What do you all with experience in tapering think. Is this too slow? IDK, but I feel a whole lot better after getting outside, even if it was just to the store.

    Thank you all so much for the help and support. It really means a lot to know that someone out there is listening.

  16. #16
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Somehow 7 got out of "reducing every 7 days until the end of the month." Wish I could do 25% every day but I know me and there's no way.

  17. #17
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Well, here it is, 6:30am and I'm a little sleepy and for some reason kinda sad, like I could break out crying at the mention of anything negative. But, sleep is just not happening tonight/this morning, I think. Probably because I took that second dose a 8 pm. IDK why, but these pain meds keep me awake if I take them too late in the day. I thought they were supposed to make you sleepy. Maybe because I've taken them for so long they have the opposite effect on me. Has anyone else experienced this? I've wondered about this sleep thing for quite awhile.

    Of course, my body is screaming for more pain meds. I think I'll take another valium and that will be that. It would be cool if I eventually fall asleep and miss a dose tomorrow! I'm coming close to reducing anyway. I can't wait until payday so I can hit the local GNC and get the stuff for the Thomas Recipe. I think I'll add some melatonin just for cases like this.

    I guess I need to make a time schedule and stick with it. Not just two doses a day when I really, really need some.

    I am also curious about the other questions I have above. So -

    ° is a strict scheduled time for dosing better than waiting until I'm in real need
    ° pain meds keeping me awake
    ° am I reducing too fast/slow (25% every 7 days until the end of the month and then reducing 1 day earlier each week
    ° why the constant butterflies (could it be from me taking 60mgs off before I figured out the 25% reduction and if so will they soon stop?), and
    ° am I just feeding the beast when I take late doses like tonight ... for example, should I have just taken some valium and Elavil and tried for sleep instead of taking that last late dose that my stupid brain has convinced itself it really, really needs and its already crying for its morning dose...

    Thank you all for listening to me rant and answering these questions. It means so much to hear from someone who really understands what's happening to me, whose been there, who knows!

  18. #18
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1bluekat View Post
    Well, here it is, 6:30am and I'm a little sleepy and for some reason kinda sad, like I could break out crying at the mention of anything negative. But, sleep is just not happening tonight/this morning, I think. Probably because I took that second dose a 8 pm. IDK why, but these pain meds keep me awake if I take them too late in the day. I thought they were supposed to make you sleepy. Maybe because I've taken them for so long they have the opposite effect on me. Has anyone else experienced this? I've wondered about this sleep thing for quite awhile.

    Of course, my body is screaming for more pain meds. I think I'll take another valium and that will be that. It would be cool if I eventually fall asleep and miss a dose tomorrow! I'm coming close to reducing anyway. I can't wait until payday so I can hit the local GNC and get the stuff for the Thomas Recipe. I think I'll add some melatonin just for cases like this.

    I guess I need to make a time schedule and stick with it. Not just two doses a day when I really, really need some.

    I am also curious about the other questions I have above. So -

    ° is a strict scheduled time for dosing better than waiting until I'm in real need
    ° pain meds keeping me awake
    ° am I reducing too fast/slow (25% every 7 days until the end of the month and then reducing 1 day earlier each week
    ° why the constant butterflies (could it be from me taking 60mgs off before I figured out the 25% reduction and if so will they soon stop?), and
    ° am I just feeding the beast when I take late doses like tonight ... for example, should I have just taken some valium and Elavil and tried for sleep instead of taking that last late dose that my stupid brain has convinced itself it really, really needs and its already crying for its morning dose...

    Thank you all for listening to me rant and answering these questions. It means so much to hear from someone who really understands what's happening to me, whose been there, who knows!
    KAT! great work keep it up! I think you will get different answers to your questions from different people.

    For me:
    I stuck to a very strict/rigid schedule for my doses. I cut pills in halves and quarters and just reduced the dose, not the time of day. The time of day stayed consistent. Sleeping right now is just going to be tough. It gets a little better as your body levels out.
    How late is your last dose compared to when you go to sleep? If you think going to sleep is too hard on them try going to bed in WD instead, think you will find this way is nicer.
    Just making sure we are saying the same thing. You are taking the same dose for 7 days than reducing it for the next week by 25% right? I coulnt tell if you meant that or that you are cutting your dose daily by 25%. If thats the case you are going WAY too fast.
    Butterflies are going to be around a while. Accept their presence and move on. Best thing to do is get up and go for a walk.

    Finally in my last week when WDs were verging on unbearable I started clonodine and xanex. I am not advocating this at your stage as if you do start them now they will be as effective when you actually quit.

    Finally, send an overall progress statement. How much were you using and how much are you today? Over what period of time have you cut back?

    I think there are some rules on here about giving taper schedules so I can only direct you to where you may find answers, sorry. And for the record I'm not giving you a schedule I am just sharing what I did (my taper).

    I would google your drug of choice and look up several different taper schedules. There should be plenty of them out there.

    Stick with it Kat. Trust me from this side of it. Life is way better. Better than you can even imagine. People keep coming up to me telling me how happy and bright I look. My relationships are all getting better. Im not longer a shut in. I enjoy my life now. Its been tough but has absolutely been the best investment I have ever made in anything.

    I'm off on an epic saturday morning adventure now. I will check in with you later today when I get home. Stay strong. Try to get up and do some stuff today so you dont think about the cravings. You've got this. OWN it.

  19. #19
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Hey Jeffro, my old pal,

    How did your Sat., adventure go? From what little I know of you, my friend, I'm sure you had an excellent adventure this morning.

    As you suggested, I got out and got some things done. It really does help.

    I am so happy that you made it even to the point of others noticing a positive change. What you describe reminds me of what a lot of people call the "pregnancy glow." Now you have something in common with your wife! lol, but, WOW! I'm so proud of you, you really did it!!! And I truly believe you will never go back. Its just an amazing accomplishment. The other side sounds wonderful!

    I've been on these pain meds for over 10 years, and all spent in a fairly unemotional state. Just going through my regular routine day after day. I rarely feel real happiness to real sadness and everything in between. It started with Percocet and grew to morphine, valium, and Elavil.

    I've been prescribed morphine cr 60 mgs twice a day, morphine ir 30 mgs 3 times a day, valium 10 mgs up to 3 times a day, and Elavil 10 mgs 1-2 for sleep (and I suspect for an anti-depressive as I can get a little high-strung sometimes). I agree that I should hold onto the valium until I jump but they sure do help with wd. I have been on this regimen for about 5 years.

    Finally, on the 16th of this month I had enough. That was day one of my taper. My "schedule" of tapering was to wait until I felt I really needed them. So there really was no schedule. But I think that was the wrong way to go. Like yesterday I really didn't feel "the need" until around 2 pm for the first dose. And it was around 8 pm that I really needed the second dose. That was the wrong way to go because I was up all night with that d..n beast trying to convince me that I needed the next days first dose all night long. I did tell him to shut the h-e-double-hockey-sticks up. So, I agree that a strict schedule of when I take them and only changing the dose is the way to go. I was on a total of 210 mgs of morphine. As a side note, I always cut the control release ones turning them into instant release. I started the taper at 120 mgs (a 57% reduction, but I know this is my last script and I haven't done the math to see how many I need). I am tapering 25% every 7 days, but I thought that after this month I would try to bring the taper closer and closer by moving my taper date by one day every week until I got to tapering every 3-4 days. By then I think my doses would be small enough to jump with little or, hopefully, no serious wd. The other meds I only took occasionly so I'm not too concerned about them. It seems I only crave the pain meds.

    I finally got disgusted just laying on the couch watching TV, day after day. I got my dog about 18 months ago thinking this would force me off the couch. But all I did was train him the basics and that was it. Back on the couch. I do have to say that I am in quite a bit of back pain. I'm a "surgery candidate." That's not going to happen either. Everybody I've talked to that had surgery came out worse than they started. I may think about it when the time comes for me to be in a wheelchair. But not before.
    And my pain level is about where it was when I started on the strong meds. So, I feel, they really are doing nothing for me at this time except keeping me away from wd. The Aleve I took the other day really surprised me. I actually got some relief from an OTC med!

    Well, that is my back story and bless you if you actually read this far. But I wanted you all to know where I came from and my plans moving forward. If any of you have any suggestions please feel free to express yourself. I've never really tried for sobriety before. Sometimes I would run out early and have a couple days of near death, I thought. This is why I am tapering. The thought of CT just scares me so bad. I know eventually I will have to go CT but I'm hoping the taper makes it much easier to handle. I have the utmost respect for those of you who jumped CT. You are some very strong folks.

    Well, I'm actually sleepy so I think I'll take advantage. Good night fighters of the beast.

    1bluekat

  20. #20
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    good morning kat!

    Its very helpful to read your story, It paints a much more accurate picture of what is going on. In your case I think I would talk to my doctor about all this, someone with more experience feel free to jump in here? Seems to me you need to keep taking at least as much valium as you have been used to otherwise you could/would be having WDs from that and the opiates. When you start taking into account 2-3 different chemicals I think the balance is too delicate for someone like me to give you advise on. I am NOT giving up on your Kat I am just saying that I don't feel qualified at this point to advise you what to do. Keep getting off the opiates for sure, the other meds just scare me, I don't know how much of those you can safely take each day nor would I want you to lean on those more to get rid of one.
    One thing is for sure, If your opiate doses continue to drop and your other meds dont go up, you are doing an amazing job!
    I have been on ambien for 2 years for sleep. I decided there was no way in heck I was gonna quit that at the same time as opiates. So I didnt. Its on the top of my list as soon as I start sleeping somewhat normally again. Nothing wrong with picking one battle at a time. Set yourself up to succeed though, only you know how much you can handle and how fast. And remember its ok to experience some discomfort. Its a good reminder that we made poor decisions for a while

    BTW my saturday adventure was EPIC Check it out on my thread. I am finally feeling like me again. I couldn't have imagined this for myself a week ago, much less 2 weeks ago, much much much less 2 months or years ago! My wife kissed me after dinner last night smiled and said its like I have a new husband. I said you do, the one you have always deserved

    Its out there Kat, you just need to decide that this is over. I really believe you have made that choice. You've got some work ahead of you but its worth more than you can imagine right now.

    Always here for ya.
    Your old pal,
    Jeffro

  21. #21
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Hey, my pal, Jeffro,

    Sounds like you had a a GREAT couple of days! Brings a tear to my eye, literally, that you are giving your wife back what she married! And told her so! Now, why can't I find a guy like that? Oh yeah, I've been single-minded for devil pills for a long time, especially after my husband died (overdosed). But even that wouldn't stop that beast. Just made it worse.

    Anyway, to me the other meds were never really a problem. I could take them or leave them. So I'm not too worried about them. I do have an appt with my primary at the end of the month who I'm very comfortable with. I was planning on telling him then anyway. But for now, I feel pretty much ok. Just a little tired because I woke up late, probably from not sleeping the night before. I ended up taking a couple Elavil because I was too tired to sleep. I hate that! I've always had problems with sleep so I'm a little concerned when I finally jump. But I'm not gonna stress on that, at least for now.

    I guess I finally adjusted to the big taper I started with. Tomorrow will be my next taper day. Hopefully, I only feel out-of-sorts for a couple days, as you say.

    I want to save the valium for when I feel really bad during this taper and the inevitable jump. But I'll have the Thomas Recipe by then, too. I think if I needed any Elavil he would prescribe that but I have a huge reserve of that because they were prescribing way to much from the beginning and its the lowest dose. I'm not sure if he would prescribe more valium. Maybe, after I tell him what I'm doing.

    But I'm going to try and find something to do today, even if it's just walking the dog a little. It seems any sort of exercise helps like all the survivors say.

    I'm gonna go play fetch for awhile with my dog. I don't count that as exercise because he's doing all the running, I'm just throwing. But he's a hyper dog anyway (pit and border collie). So he's very protective and very, very smart.

    I'll check in tonight. Thanks so much, Jeffro, for "talking" to me. It really means a lot to me.

    1bluekat

  22. #22
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi Kat,
    Just chiming in to support you ..
    You are doing great!
    It is hard not to be preoccupied with the drugs..
    It really does take over our life's..
    Before I jumped from sub .
    I had to make a schedule take my sub in the morning with my vitamins and forget it after that,..
    I don't sit around thinking about my vitamins all day..

    I had to teach myself and practice to do it with the sub..
    It takes practice..

    But you can do it too..
    You will have a lot of free time and free space in your head..
    Hopefully you have lots to do..
    Hide your clocks..
    I did a lot of big projects during my worst times..
    Did a little bit everyday..
    It is so much better for your brain to do something productive..

    That sense of accomplishment get your endorphins flowing again..
    Keep going it is well worth it..

    Just ready Jeffro post to you it just seems like yesterday he was struggling so much..
    Now he is a different person..
    Just that quick this will soon be a memory for you too!
    Take care
    Bette

  23. #23
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Hi all,

    Well today was my taper day. So now I'm on 90 mgs morphine for the next week counting today. Unbelievable! Just a couple weeks ago I was taking 210 mgs. Amazing. I truly didn't think it was possible. But I do OWN this! I took 45 mgs morphine a little early cuz my daughter needed a ride to court re: visitation of one of her kids. She has supervised visitation and the judge made me the supervisor of this one who lives with her daddy now and is doing so much better. Visitation is every other weekend, starting this weekend. WOW! She's ADHD and a handful but had a terrible start at life. She is 5 years older than her siblings (10 now). The only one with a different daddy (whose step-father treats her different than "his" kids). And the only mixed kid. I don't really like my daughter's husband but always shown respect to because my daughter chose him. But many have commented on how he treats her differently. But she is the love of my life. So I'm ecstatic! It's been a couple months since I've seen her since child protective took all of them. Unfortunatly, I didn't qualify as a caretaker for any of the others (money, of course) so they are split in different foster homes. But, at court, I was also granted visitation with the other 4. So, all in all, its been a great morning.

    When I got home I started feeling a little squirrely. So I took one valium. I can't wait till payday so I can get the Thomas Recipe. I'm starting to feel a little bad again but it's only 1 hour until my next dose. Like Jeffro said, a little discomfort reminds us of how and where we came from. I'm pretty sure I can make it.

    Thank you, Jeffro and luv2. I'm sure I wouldn't have made it this far without you.

  24. #24
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Just as a sidenote, I told my primary doc's nurse what I was doing and she checked with my Dr and he said I'm fine doing this the way I'm doing it. Don't want my old pal Jeffro to worry.

  25. #25
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Wow,

    Temptation is very strong right now on this taper. I am in a lot of physical pain. I guess that's to be expected because I've been chemically controlling pain for over 10 years. That crazy beast is coming up with all kinds of reasons to take "just a little more." I keep telling myself that there's no way. I only have so much to work with and all I went through last week would be meaningless. I already took one valium today and I don't want to take another (I'm trying to save them for the ultimate jump). But d..n, this is tough. Sure wish it was tough getting started on this stuff too, not so inviting, warm, and welcoming.

    I think I'll take a couple Aleve and walk the dog to the mailbox (about a block-I live in a mobile home park and mailboxes are in one place), however bad it hurts, ultimately, it will be good for me. I know this. I've read many success stories. Can't wait for payday next week so I can get the Thomas Recipe.

    I'll check in later or tomorrow and let you all know how tonight goes.
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  26. #26
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    OMG, just woke from the worse nightmare! I'm so glad it was only a nightmare! I was with two others and the only one with a car but I didn't know where we were, except I'm a hotel with some kind of attraction connected to it. We were there to score. big, on my money, but would make a lot more money and have stuff for us. We'll the two I was with were schetchy from the start (I think they were my daughter and her husband). Course money went missing and they swore they didn't do it, etc, etc.

    Wow, I was never so happy to wake up and see it was just a dream. Guess I should be happy though, so many here now can't sleep at all.

    1bluekat

  27. #27
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    KAT!

    So sorry I haven't been online to support you the last few days! Sounds like you are adapting and sticking to the plan very nicely! Keep it going you will be surprised how much your will power grows as the medication reduces! Being in control of your emotions and using the logical side of your brain to know this is going to try to talk you out of this as often as possible. I think the dreams are part of that as well. I had a dream around day 9 or 10 being sober that I took some pills. I woke up trying to gag myself so I could throw them up before they hit my stomach. Scary, but a powerful reminder of how committed I have become to this! You're on the same route, just stay strong and keep reminding yourself that anything you are feeling is the disease trying to trick you back into using.

    Keep posting Kat, you're doing good. I will be back home in a few days and will try to check in on ya soon.

    Your old pal,
    Jeffro

  28. #28
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Hey, my pal Jeffro,

    Sorry to hear you missing the fam so much. But your staying so strong! I lol when you woke up trying to get those pills out. I'll be there one day, I know it. I really admire you and hope to mimic your commitment to this. Congrats on the Big Flush to you, too. But, sometimes it gets so hard!

    I sure wasn't expecting that beast to attack my subconscious, tho, that was one vivid dream. I don't know if you believe in the paranormal or physic-like things, but rarely I have a "vivid" dream, but just different somehow from most vivid dreams, but always a warning of some sort. And I can always tell the difference. If it involves me and only me I usually just watch for the situation to happen and know what to avoid. But if it involves someone else I feel obliged to tell them, some believe me, some don't, but still I couldn't live with myself if something happened to someone and I had said nothing. Case in point, long ago I had a skeptical boyfriend who is a mechanic. One night I dreamt that a dirty white van with blue company writing on the sides was going to hurt him bad, somehow. Even tho he was a hard core skeptic I told him about the dream. Well when he showed up for work about 3 days later there was a van, just as I had seen, already up on the lift. His boss told him it was his, an easy brake job and make sure you "shake it down good." (A lot said there about mechanics' shops.) Anyway, the description I gave was so close he said, "I'm not touching that thing." So on the lift it sat for about an hour. Then, for no reason, the lift failed and dropped to the ground, fast. Luckily his boss was saving the job for my boyfriend no matter what and no one was underneath. He became a believer real quick. But this dream was close, so close to those dreams I have it scared me. I know it wasn't one of those type, something was off about it, but it came so close. In my mind that beast must be real strong to get to me like that. But, ultimately, I already know the end of this story...I win! I already know this to be true. It's just hard getting there sometimes.

    But, I can't wait for my granddaughter this weekend! We will be very busy. With her ADHD she has a lot of energy to burn and she loves the beach and going on a picnic at the park. That's 2 days for sure I won't have time for that beast. And I'm sure I'll be feeling a lot better by then, too.

  29. #29
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Just a quick update and a much-needed vent. Even tho on Monday, 3-23-15, a judge ordered that I can be the supervisor of my granddaughter when it's time for moms visitation, every other weekend, (we live very close, mom and I), child protective services has some kind of problem with me being her supervisor during supervised visitation. So there is a possibility that the agency that says it only wants to keep families together, is doing its best to split it up.

    This agency, in this county of Florida, is as dirty as dirt comes. Unfortunately, my daughter has been dealing with them for years now (a lot of her own doing, sometimes justified, sometimes not) has accessed records of old cases and found many discrepancies. I mean so bad that they put quotes around things people haven't said, or stretch the truth of what has been said. So, even though I took care of my granddaughter better than her parents did for three months when there was a restraining order against her step-father, even according to one of her teachers at school, they now have some sort of "problem" with me being supervisor.
    Her daddy is all the way on my side, trusts me with his daughter more than her own mother, but these...people, most of whom are interning or fresh out of school and have no children of their own, have an extreme God-complex with families.

    How effed up is that? I haven't spent any quality time with her for about 2 months except the short sit next to each other in court a couple times. I love and miss her almost unbearably, and dad says she's been asking when she can see her GiGi (curiously not asking for mom) and all had great news on Monday. That day, when she came home from school, Daddy told her she would finally get to spend a couple nights with GiGi and see her mom, too. He said she was ecstatic. I feel so bad for her (not only for not seeing me, but mom and her 4 brothers and sisters, too).

    The best I can hope for is a walk-thru of my home (sure hope it's not raining) and meet their standards, whatever they are. Worst case, I go to see her every other weekend renting a hotel cuz they live about 2 hours away (the drive would be too hard on my back and bank).

    So now, at 4:30 am I will do nothing but worry, worry, worry. I've always had worry issues and try to keep the what-ifs away. But, you know, the silver lining, if there is one, is that until now, I never even thought about pills. I guess if I just stay this p-d off for a couple months I'd have it made.

    Well there, I feel the slightest relief of being able to write about this. My daughter doesn't seem too concerned. Am I over-reacting? I don't think so and neither does my grand's dad. I need some assurance or something concrete. A solid date when a solid decision can be made that no "protective" organization can take away because they want you to see them flex their biceps, in the meantime hurting very badly the children they are sworn to protect.

    Thank you all for listening to me rant and rave. I have few close friends who hold no preconceived opinions about me and don't automatically dismiss me for who knows what reason.

    Thanks again,
    1bluekat

  30. #30
    1bluekat is offline Junior Member
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    Hi all,

    Good news, good news, good news! Before mediation, yesterday, child protective services talked with dad and he said that I was turned down as supervisor of the two small kids (ages 4 and 5) not only because I don't make enough to support them but because of hazardous home conditions. Dad has been here and said what hazardous conditions. Turns out it was because my electrical outlets weren't childproofed. If they would have said something I have a bag full of those things in a drawer, but, you know, as dirty as they are they only told me income was the issue. Before mediation Dad's atty asks him if this is ok and he said he trusts me more than they could ever know. So when it got brought up in mediation they said as far as income we're only talking a few days a month, not full time and this child is 10 years old and knows not to stick her finger in a light socket. Yeah, mediator! So Dad said he is doing what the actual judge ordered until ordered otherwise, which is she comes every other weekend. Yeah!

    And as for the dream, may be coincidence, may be not, even I'm not too sure, but after taking my daughter and son-in-law for a urinalysis (part of their plan to get kids back) we were all in the car, pulling out of the urinalysis place, there was a sign that said right turn only. My daughter said everyone always makes a left here so just go ahead and make a left. And so I did. Well, the night before, I had seen a blue cop truck with no lights outside the truck that had pulled somebody over. I drive a Camaro and I took note of this truck's license number as it was a regular Florida license plate. Well, lo and behold, I make the left and here comes Mr. Blue Truck that I had seen last night. So knowing I'm caught and no way out of it I pull over and looked up at the place that I had pulled over in and it was a huge BBQ place, so I got a $166 ticket and a moving violation for turning left in a right turn only lane. My daughter, who is well versed in these matters, told me to arrange for a court date, plead guilty but ask for adjudication to be withheld, and they usually will do it if you don't have a long record which I do not. I will still have to pay the fine and court costs but I can also request a payment plan. So all in all, I don't know if this counts as a "warning dream" but I should have known better.

    My granddaughter coming will be so good for me. In so many ways. But I can already see the temptation. And I already have an answer to it and the answer will be playing with me right in front of my eyes.

    All in all, after this last taper, I feel pretty good. Probably because in a few hours the love of my life will be here. But, I still hear a whisper every now and then, that says, hey, your're in pain, you could do just a little and not really make a difference. I keep telling it to SHUT THE H..L UP. I'M IN CHARGE NOW. Sometimes right out loud. I'm 55, I can easily get away with talking to myself, lol.

    Well, out for now, gotta get the place ready for my love.

    Kat

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