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Need help! I have to stop!
  1. #31
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    Damin it's gonna suck for a couple of days but then it will all be with it...just stay strong anddontgive up!
    I don't mean to be personal but do your parents help you with the kids? Sounds like you got a lot on your plate so I'm sure this isn't easy. You need to get clean to be the mom your kids deserve...same with me. I have put my kids through so much because of my addiction. I've risked my kids by taking them with me to get my drugs. So much I try to block out because it's too painful.

  2. #32
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    No...not much help with my boys. There are several reasons for it. They firmly believe that idle hands lead to trouble. Then also my oldest is autistic and not easy to care for. So it's hard for them to care for the boys.

  3. #33
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    I feel for you, not easy to care for special needs children. I'm sure not easy to care for him while in withdrawal...stick it out ur almost there

  4. #34
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    No it really isn't easy. Now I'm freaking because I took a front a couple days ago. Now can't pay it. Getting threatening calls and texts from the people. Gonna shoot me etc. I hate this business.

  5. #35
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    damin can your parents loan you the money? do these ppl know where you live? what business?
    how much did they front u?

  6. #36
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    No way anyone can loan me the money. Parents don't have any. Yea they know where I live. They fronted me 20 pills for $140. The business I was talking about is the whole dealing thing. Stupid of me to take it but..I don't know. Maybe the money was going to fall out of the sky? Gotta love the justified thinking! Really. ..if they come today I bet I have more guns and possibly be a lot meaner. PlusI have a phone and I have no problem calling the cops if my children are in danger.

  7. #37
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Iwanttobeclean, my fear isn't actually for today. I know I can scare them off today and for a while. I am just not sure if these are "the real deal" I haven't actually met them. This came thru one of my regular people.

  8. #38
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    So...maybe no sleep and feeling bad has made me philosophical. But I have beentthinking a lot about addiction and addicts. Comes from a post I saw in Facebook. It said "what were you thinking?" "I was thinking I would get away with it and wouldn't have to explain" I firmly believe that this is how we think. I have come to the conclusion that every human is designed to be an addict. We want to feel good and we seek out what makes us feel good. Anything can be an addiction. I am not just talking chemical and substance addiction. Hunting and dogs is my dad's addiction. But if you were to tell him he was an addict he would be pretty upset. My mom is an alcoholic. Even though she has been thru detox once and the hell the family has gone thru she says she doesn't have a problem because she goes to work (most everyday expect "migraine" ie hangover days) Almost anyone with a hobby that takes up time beyond "normal standard" could be considered an addict. I know gamers that do not have a healthy social life because of gaming. I consider that an addiction. Doing ANYTHING to the determint of living day to day life is an addiction. I also hate when it is said, for those of us with chemical addiction, that it was the addiction doing xyz. Or it was the drug making you do xyz. Yes we have a "disease" in that we cannot control our pleasure seeking behavior/activities, but it doesn't mean that we aren't in there allowing and making these choices. I hate the "I'm not to blame" mindset. I have a disease! Well so does every other human. "Addicts" need more all the time. Doses constantly goes up. Because we adapt quickly to it. And when we run out of drugs or money to get drugs...we do things we know are wrong. We lie, cheat, steal, whore, etc. To get what we need. "No choice? " Plenty of choice. We do the things that are wrong because we know there is another way. But it scares us. Some have lived in darkness for a long time and forgot the light. Some are scared to face loved ones and themselves in the end. Some are afraid that they will never feel ok again. There are as many reasons as there are addicts. I hate that people are making excuses for our behaviour. Does that mean that I believe it shouldn't be taken in account? No. We are being reeducated everytime we get high. We believe that we will DIE without it. Best way I have ever put. ...once you are taking "your special thing" it worms it way into the hind brain. The lizard part that controls all the things we don't think about. It then makes that part of the brain believe that having *whatever* in your system is needful for survival. Like breathing is. Most of the time you don't think breathe in and breathe out. Itjust hhappens. Lizard brain in action. Now when you take the special thing away...the lizard brain freaks the F*** out! It sends all the signal ls saying I am out of *whatever* we are going to die if I don't have it. If you can't breathe...how hard do you fight for it? Pretty hard cause good old lizard brain is telling you you are going to die without breathing. Do you think you can fight against that feeling? We do. We fight everything in us that tell us we are DYING without *whatever*.

    I have lost my train of thought now. Too tired. Maybe ill take this up again. If it doesn't make sense or offenda sorry in advance!

  9. #39
    Kaidog is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaminiWalker View Post
    My plan is try to tough it out right now. Still in withdrawal. Its sucking pretty bad
    Damin:

    Talk to us. How long has it been since your last dose? We ALL know how difficult withdrawals are but there are things you can do to lessen them. At some point however, you.re going to need to find some mental toughness. If you don't, If you never find some inner resolve, you will be using your entire life.

    Imodium
    Hyland's "Restful Legs"
    Hot baths.
    Nyquil to help with sleep.

    Look for the "Thomas Formula" You can Google it or look on this site as it is referred to often.

    If there is anyway to find some Xanax, it will put you out at night and allow you to sleep.

    The length of time is different for everyone. It varies from 3 days to a week. In VERY rare cases it is a bit longer. DON'T focus on a week however. Think only of THIS next hour, THIS day. The great news is that once you're past it.........................you're past it FOREVER!!!!!!

  10. #40
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Last dose was about 25 hours ago. And I haven't bren taking usual amounts. I took 12 yesterday. So....one day down right? Yay. I didn't make it this far last time. I've looked at the Thomas recipe and thought about it. ..but I got pills instead. Which having no money does do one thing I guess. I'm going to do this one way or another. I have decided against methadone, cause ill probably find a way to abuse it and not think until too late. No subs either. If I am over 24 hours in I don't see the point. I'm in the 2nd day...so hopefully today and tomorrow will be it. I am hoping it isn't aweek. But..I llooked at my kids and I promised mommy was going to make it better. That I wasn't going to go from fun nice mommy to mean mommy.

  11. #41
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    I've thought about it long and hard this last night. If I am ever going to stop...I have to just stop. Its never going to happen otherwise. I can whine how hard it is all day long. But that doesn't mean much to people who have done it multiple times from harder stuff. I'm so tired and exhausted. Feeling stomach trying to crawl up and out and down and out. Worst headache I can remember. And the crawling in my leg. (Much hate for that) Trying to keep it together.

  12. #42
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    I don't know if I had said it but there were reasons for me being on them. That's the flip side. I have RA arthritis. I have 7 ruptured disks in spine. I need surgery on knee shoulder and wrist. I thought it hurt while I was taking pills. Pain thru the roof

  13. #43
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    So while I am all gung ho now. ..I afraid that tonight, Tomorrow, the next day or the next I won't hold on thru it. Even though ill be that much closer to the finish line. I keep waffling. I guess I am so used to making excuses to even myself that it is hard to tell when I am serious. I've said a million times that I am gonna quit. Talked all the big talk. I think it started that way this time but then I figured out I had a whole 24 hours free. And I didn't die. At least not yet. And I know the first day isn't the worst but. Its something!

  14. #44
    Kaidog is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaminiWalker View Post
    So while I am all gung ho now. ..I afraid that tonight, Tomorrow, the next day or the next I won't hold on thru it. Even though ill be that much closer to the finish line. I keep waffling. I guess I am so used to making excuses to even myself that it is hard to tell when I am serious. I've said a million times that I am gonna quit. Talked all the big talk. I think it started that way this time but then I figured out I had a whole 24 hours free. And I didn't die. At least not yet. And I know the first day isn't the worst but. Its something!

    You are right Honey. Twenty Four hours is H U G E. Don't ever pretend like it's not. For me, the restless legs at night was the very worst part. But they go away and eventually normal sleep patterns return. Hang tough Princess. You CAN do this. Post as often as you want and ask as many questions as you need to. I always found that posting was really therapeutic.

  15. #45
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Restless legs are all day n night with me. Headache and stomach ache getting worse. Not bad enough for me to give up yet. I've been trying to post when I need help to distract from the yuck. Trying to breathe and just get on with it. Legs are driving me crazy. Kids seem to want to be all over me, which makes it worse. I think in their own way they are trying to help. I don't have the feeling of standing in the arctic naked yet. Thankful for that. Hard to explain the shivers in TX summer. I just want to get back to normal. Not sure what that is but I know it doesn't involve taking ten pills before you can get out of bed!

  16. #46
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Tingles, goosebumps etc just kicked in out of nowhere. Still trying to work thru legs headache and stomach. The band around my head keeps tightening. I manage to get used to it and it screws tighter

  17. #47
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond to me! If I missed responding to you, please understand that I am literally seeing thru blurred eyes and my ability to notice a new postmay be ddiminished. I looked to see if there were any. Didn't see any but doesn't mean that it wasn't there. Thank you for taking time out of your own life. A few words of advice, encouragement, wisdom, or compassion may make the difference between success and failure. ( not putting this on yall no matter how that sounded. This is mine to do. I got in...I gotta get myself out) Every time I check for replies I think of my own cheering squad cheering me to the finish line. I don't have that anywhere else. Thank you

  18. #48
    jessabellc is offline New Member
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    Get to an NA meeting. i just went thru withdrawls from 5year subutex and felt horrible all day then miraculously better after NA. GO! If u must buy something buy subs one will last 2days. if u continue on just as u have during all ur posts u will not stop.

  19. #49
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    No NA. While I agree that they can make the difference. I soured on aa and na programs years ago. The ones around here are not about recovery. They are about war stories cand hookups
    Kaidog likes this.

  20. #50
    Kaidog is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaminiWalker View Post
    No NA. While I agree that they can make the difference. I soured on aa and na programs years ago. The ones around here are not about recovery. They are about war stories cand hookups
    I'm not real big on NA myself. I know that there are those who's lives have been saved by NA, it's just that for me.......................well, I'll be kind here. It's not my cup of tea. Don't get me wrong. I'd never knock them.

    Just remember...........................hour by hour you are ridding your body of the drugs. Hydro's have a half life of around 5 - 6 hours. That means that after 24 hours, you will only have about 5 - 6% of the drug left in your system. Then, when it is all gone, your brain needs to re-wire itself. Temperature control is all new. Pleasure receptors are all hay-wire and need to be reprogramed. You body has forgotten how to manufacture it's own dopamine and endorphins. That will take time.

    It sucks big time but you are doing it. With every tick of the clock you are closer to the finish line. Every passing hour takes you closer to recovery.

  21. #51
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    How long does the rewire take? Cause I don't know if it is that or I am just pissy but I'm trying to pick fights

  22. #52
    Kaidog is offline Member
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    The irritability is the result of no "happy pills" in the system any longer. That combined with feeling really crummy makes one short with everybody. Just try and remember that those around you love you. The pills and the addiction are your enemy, not people.

    A total rewiring takes a month or more. But please believe me, after 5 days, you will be posting about how great you feel, how clear your thinking is, how the RLS have gone away.

    But just about everybody here will caution you that perhaps the hardest part is the occasional cravings, and the lies we tell ourselves that "I'm gonna take just a couple to get me through tis hard day." It's a lie from hell................................but I've fallen to prey to those lies more than once.

    Just keep building on your already considerable success. You've made it more than a full day. That means you're officially on day two!!!!!

    God job.

  23. #53
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    I just calculated it. 31 hours! If it lasts three days I only have 41 more hours. Be nice if those were sleeping hours :-)
    Iwanttobeclean likes this.

  24. #54
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    I am holding in there. I've come almost halfway!

  25. #55
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    Damin go you... and there is no giving up now! Listen you want it and you have come so far in 31 hours..im so proud of you! I knew you could do it and im sure it aint as bad as you thought.
    We are all routing for you...i'm here now...so anything you need holla

  26. #56
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Actually. ..right now it isn't as bad! I know when I havent had any n can't findit has been much worse! Attitude maybe? I'm not counting hours Until my next pill..I'm counting until I am free!

  27. #57
    The Husband is offline Member
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    My advice is to change your phone number have all "dealers" numbers and texts removed by a trusted friend. Then focus 100% on not taking another pill or sourcing anymore. If you take everyday hour by hour and really want it you will succeed just like kaidog said don't listen to the voices justifying why you can take them that will always lead you back to square one if you survive the relapse as almost always relapsing means heavier use with a lowered tolerance. I had terrible w/d from Oxy for close to two weeks then waves of paws (post acute withdrawal syndrome) for over 6 months occurring exactly the same time every month lasting for 3-5 days when they hit. Hardest thing I have done in my life. Treat this attempt as your life depends on it and know everyone is hoping you beat the demon. Opiates = the devil

  28. #58
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Ok..hitting a rough patch. Body keeps doing tingly pickle things. And now my legs are going crazy. I've tried walking pressure rubbing flexing. Its not exactly painful but...it is.

  29. #59
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    I thought to write them down, delete them from my phone. Going to call and have them blocked if I can and throw the paper away. I can't change my number. Too many places that my son goes to contacts me on it.

  30. #60
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    And at *this moment* I am certain that I would refuse. I've gotten this far. Mainly by folly and >>>>>ing but I do want freedom. This will pass. It is not forever. I can endure what I can't afford.

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