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Need help! I have to stop!
  1. #1
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Default Need help! I have to stop!

    Hi and thanks in advance! I am a 34 year old single mom. My oldest son is special needs. I got hooked on painkillers afer the birth of my second son. I quickly went out of control. Lying cheating stealing etc. Before with hydroa I could stop but this time....I was taking too many and got sick trying to stop. They give me energy and make me happy. Anyway. ..I have to stop. I stole 10 grand from my father to get them. I have my own script for 120 10-325 a month. They last about 3 days. I haven't had any today. But I do have on a butrans patch hoping it will help WDs. Has anyone tried this?

  2. #2
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Hey...I am hoping someone is out there. I can't even make it thru day 1!!! I am already searching to stop the WDs. I feel like I am dying. I can't do another day like this. I was a >>>>>. I didn't deal anything all dad. My family is suspicious. Then I got a call. Someone offering some free meth. They say it will stop the sickness. I don't want to go back to that. Been clean three years of that!

  3. #3
    Believeinyourself is offline New Member
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    Damini I have detoxed twice of painkillers. I've done both ways cold turkey no meds and second time with meds. It's very hard with no meds you need serious will power. Flush your prescription. Realize this needs to stop. Best method with least wd symptoms is with meds I got a anti depressant that helped me fall asleep as well as kept me in good spirits as well as Xanax for anxiety and to help me from relapsing also eat a lot of bananas and multivitamins my withdrawl pain was very minimal and only lasted 5 days after 2 years of solid use 40/50 mg a day. If you need more detailed advice email me at wearelegion3@gmail.com
    I've been there I know how hard it is but it's so worth it I can't even explain to you how great the benefits are

  4. #4
    Believeinyourself is offline New Member
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    Sorry email is actually wearelegion3@icloud.com

  5. #5
    ecotime47 is offline New Member
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    Praying for you today. Hang in there!

  6. #6
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    So...I didn't make it through the night. I snuck out and got some. I have no idea how I am gonna pay for them. I thought this was it. I was going to give them up finally. I couldn't even get thru the first day. I feel horrible. I don't know what to do. I am gonna lose everything

  7. #7
    Kaidog is offline Member
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    I'd like to weigh in here. Your last sentence says it all.

    "I am gonna lose everything."

    If you don't take aggressive steps..............................you WILL lose everything.

    I have detoxed several times. I have gone C/T and have tapered. Both suck. But you CAN do it.

    Are you serious? Then you need help. By that, I mean that very few people can do this by themselves. You need a family member you can confide in who will help you. Give ALL your stash, and ALL your money, AND your cell phone to this trusted person.

    If you intend to go C/T, you are in for a crummy week ahead of you, but it WILL pass. If you intend to taper, you've got a month of lesser withdrawals, but they will last much longer. Either way, it's no fun, but you CAN do it.

  8. #8
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Kaidog,
    You are right. When I originally read your post...I got pissed off. I guess you could say the typical response of "I'm trying, why can't you give me a gold star?" But...I wasn't really trying. I was on my way to get more. O can't >>>> or lie to myself. So I turned around and came homr instead to look up clinics. I found one for subonxone and methadone. Not sure which I should go with. But I need help. I can't do this by myself. And I wish I had someone I could confidein. But my family has made it clear they will not accept anymore screw ups from me. But I am not willing to lose my kids over some stupid ass pills.

  9. #9
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Well...these is nit going well. The soonest I can get in to a doc is six weeks. In six weeks!

  10. #10
    Kaidog is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaminiWalker View Post
    Well...these is nit going well. The soonest I can get in to a doc is six weeks. In six weeks!

    I know this isn't what you're wanting to hear, but that may not be a bad thing.

    I have never gone the sub route but I know many who have and most say it's just substituting one drug for another, one that's WAY harder to kick eventually. Yes, it will get you off the opiates but there's a price to be paid. Also, I don't think any clinic will treat you before you're in full-blown withdrawal.

    I don't know your situation, but is there any way to taper? I've gone C/T and I've tapered and there's discomfort either way. This last time, I tapered from around 200 mg/day to 15 mg/day over the course of three weeks. I had moderate withdrawal but it wasn't horrible. It's just stretched over a much longer period. Once I was at 15 mg/day, I just jumped ship and stopped. I had a bit of restless legs, needed a bit of Imodium and just felt crummy for three days but other than that it wasn't bad.

    I've also gone C/T off of a similar dose of 200 mg/day and it was 10 days before I got much sleep at all.

    My personal opinion is that you're going to need a human to help you. If you decide to taper, somebody needs to hold your stash and give you no more than the taper schedule allows......................no matter how much you beg for more. Additionally, this person should be prepared to attend to your needs, because you're not going to feel like doing much of anything.

    Either way, it can be done. Shoot for quitting on the day before a long weekend. That way you can veg-out over the three or four days you are at home and by the time the long weekend is done, you should be about done with the worst of it.

    And POST here, using it as a journal of sorts. It is amazingly therapeutic.

  11. #11
    Kaidog is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaminiWalker View Post
    Kaidog,
    You are right. When I originally read your post...I got pissed off. I guess you could say the typical response of "I'm trying, why can't you give me a gold star?" But...I wasn't really trying. I was on my way to get more. O can't >>>> or lie to myself. So I turned around and came homr instead to look up clinics. I found one for subonxone and methadone. Not sure which I should go with. But I need help. I can't do this by myself. And I wish I had someone I could confidein. But my family has made it clear they will not accept anymore screw ups from me. But I am not willing to lose my kids over some stupid ass pills.
    Also too............................don't be too hard on yourself. Yes, your woes are self inflicted, but the dirty little secret of opiates is that even if one doses EXACTLY as prescribed, eventually.........................and ALWAYS, you will become physically dependent on them. It just isn't possible to avoid. So now stopping is much more complex than just "will power" alone.

    If you must go C/T, it will be a really rough week, but I have to say, it CAN be done.

    So..............................can you see a week in advance. Just think like you MUST walk through this dark alley, and there's a real possibility you're going to get beat-up in that alley. But once you're through it, there is freedom. True freedom.

    You can do it. There are hundreds, dare I say thousands who have done it, myself included.

  12. #12
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    I wish I had someone to help while I go thru this. I don't. I am lucky to live with my parents but...the house has to be spotless, dogs walked and trained, laundry finished and put away, dishes handwashed after each meal, rooms cleaned, floors mopped, bathroom cleaned , errands ran etc. All while taking care of an autistic four year old and a three year old. There is no "vegging" allowed. This must be done or I don't have a place to live. I tried CT on Sunday. Obviously I didn't make it. As for tapering... I am out of money and really don't want to steal AGAIN.

  13. #13
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Also...if they find out I was using again. ..my kids will be gone and I will be on the streets. They believe very much in tough love. Even if I were to confess because I am getting clean...it will not matter. I can't see a way out anymore. I can't get the help I need in time. I have no way to get more. And if I go CT I am not strong enough to not let it show so I still losr everything.

  14. #14
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Ok...I have called every doc I could. Either it is cash pay or month or longer wait for subonxone. I found a methadone clinic. Not sure How it works. Seems to be open early morning. I guess I'll be calling and hoping to get in tomorrow. I should be in full blown withdrawal tomorrow morning. Will be 24 hours since last pill. I am dreading waking up. It has been my wake up for so long!

  15. #15
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there. Just wanted to weigh in, too. I know you're desperate to find an alternative to going cold turkey. I totally get it. We all do. Getting on methadone is probably the worst thing you could do. Getting off that junk is much harder than getting off Norco/hydro. Most likely, you will be required to go to the clinic every single day -- at least in the beginning. From what you said about your family, I can only assume they'll know that something's up if you're taking off to the clinic every day. I've never taken methadone but have read countless threads on this forum by people who say they wish they'd never started methadone. You'll simply be trading one addiction for a more brutal one. Methadone almost always causes serious weight gain and ruins your teeth. Tapering off takes forever.

    I know you're scared of WD. We all are. A few months back, there was a member who was in a similar situation. She couldn't tell her parents that she was in WD. So, she pretended to go to the doctor and told her parents she had a serious stomach virus/flu. The symptoms are similar and they didn't suspect a thing. She got through the WD and was feeling much better within 5 days.

    Give it some thought. I'd hate to see you end up with an even bigger problem on your hands by getting on methadone. I wish you all the best.

    Kat

  16. #16
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    How long do the WDs last? I've heard anywhere from a week to months. I have "done" two days before. The restless leg thing almost killed me. By the 2nd day I was ready to do anything to stop. I'm scared I don't have the willpower to just go CT! I don't know how I would keep up housework and taking care of the kids. I've had the flu, pneumonia, broken ankle, surgery etc and it makes no difference in my work load. Sometimes I'm allowed to go to bed "early" once the kids are in bed and asleep even if things are left undone but that's about it. Funny thing is....family likes it better when I am taking them. Of course they don't know. But then I have the energy and right attitude. When I don't....then I am lazy good for nothing etc.

  17. #17
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    I keep looking around and trying to remind myself that it IS possible to feel happy and good without these. But it is hard. Sometimes when things have been bad (and yea I know it sounds crazy) the pills have been my only friend. ..my only relief. But I know I was capable of being happy before them! Its just all messed up. I fought my way free of meth and had a while sober before I got caught up on these. Almost ten years gone to some type of drug. I used to be dependable. ...I used to have friends...used to have nice things. ..have a life. . Now. ..it feels like I have nothing.I love my kids but its hard! Trying to find a balance between the two. Special needs >> a typical child. I also struggle with depression and that'spout of control too....I guess I am just complaining but I don't really have any where else to do it.

  18. #18
    shawn156 is offline Member
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    As hard as it may seem,someone mentioned above that telling your parents you have the flu is the best way to do c/t. I have done it several times and it gets harder each time I would do it. I have been somber for some time now and I found c/t the best way to do it.At day 3 you will be at your worst and by day 5 you will start feeling better. There are things to help with your symptoms of w/d like Gatorade will help with RLS some and it will help flush the stuff out of you faster. I have done this a few times and found it to help.
    You have to think which is worse,your parents finding out and you have no place to go or just tell them you have the flu and deal with the w/ds. Make sure you have immodium around as well,you will need it. It's not as bad as you think. Posting here and ranting will help as well. good luck.

  19. #19
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    DaminWalker
    its defiantly not easy going C/T...i know you were using a large amount of oxy a day.
    How many mg were you using?
    Bc i was a heavy user and i know going C/T is the hardest thing you can do.
    are you in withdrawal this am?
    Methadone is worst thing you can start. I am on subs now from a 600mg oxy a day....and i couldnt feel better.
    This morning call every sub clinic say your in withdrawal and please can you run there this afternoon. There is a tapper plan on this forum that will get you off subs in a few months.
    if they want to induct you at a high dose don't listen. Can you get subs from whoever was supplying your oxy?
    feel good and it will all work out!

  20. #20
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    I wasn't actually on oxy. Just hyrdos. Oxys were too expensive for my tastes. Lol. I could get up to 500 mg a day and be ok. I wish I could get subs from them. Everyone I asked looks at me blankly. There are docs that could see me today. For first visit paid 400 dollars plus script. I don't have the money for that. That's why I thought methadone clinic. It is only 50. But then there's the problem of having to go everyday. I wish I was strong enough for CT. But I don't seem to be. Already in withdrawal this morning and hurting bad.

  21. #21
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    I am trying to be strong this morning and looking for docs instead of pills but it is hard. I know I seem weak to everyone who has done CT and I know that is the best option but you have to be strong enough. If I could lay in bed all day and just suffer thru it I would. I don't have that option. I wish I did. ..oh God I wish I did.

  22. #22
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Another thought....a while back I was in England for two weeks. Of course I ran out after the first day or so. I replaced with codeine. Still felt really >>>>>> and didn't get much done. To think if I hadn't gone running to the dealer as soon as I was home I wouldn't be in this mess!

  23. #23
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Just off the phone with methadone clinic. I have no idea how I would disappear to "dose" everyday. After 90 days they allow take out dosing but that doesn't help right now.

  24. #24
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Shivering and shaking...already sick to my stomach. I just want it to go away.

  25. #25
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    Is it normal to be blurry eyed feeling like you can't see?

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    Damin my last replied didnt get posted for some reason. I think you need to get to the sub clinic withdrawing is very hard and i wouldnt be able to do it either. Find the money and get there it will do you wonders. stay strong!

  27. #27
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    I will have the money come the third of july. I just have to get there. I've got to find a way to get to that date

  28. #28
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    If you are able to tough things out until July, you'll be done. What is your intent? To keep using just enough to be able to function and then start subs? What is your new plan? Gotta have a plan, hon.

    Peace,

    Cat

  29. #29
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    Damin
    How you doing? I feel bad that your suffering but take Cats advice, you need a plan.
    Are you still in withdrawl?

  30. #30
    DaminiWalker is offline Member
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    My plan is try to tough it out right now. Still in withdrawal. Its sucking pretty bad

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