Results 1 to 13 of 13
Like Tree1Likes
  • 1 Post By Prettytony
Never say Never. A life without pain killers is truly possible
  1. #1
    Prettytony is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    42

    Default Never say Never. A life without pain killers is truly possible

    For as long as I can remember (12 yrs old?) I always felt inferior, scared of the outside world, and generally didn't like myself, and assumed if I didn't like me, how could anyone else? Quickly bc I know this is a drug forum, I caught my dad cheating w the neighbor when I was 9, I told my mom she confronted him he said"good, glad you found out, I don't love u anymore, I want a divorce" or something to the effect. He immediately packed a garbage bag w clothes and moved into a duplex he owned that had a unit unoccupied. My younger bro(17mos) and me kneeled around my moms legs and cried and she said I'll never abandon u like your father has. Next day come home from school, my dad is there so are my grandparents on his side. We play a game of uno and my dad says need to talk to u boys in the bedroom after the game. We go in there and his exact words were "mom died today" come to find out she left me and my bro $20 a piece, a note, and went to a hotel to swallow a bottle of dilaudid and committed suicide. From that day forward it was me, pops and my brother in it for the long haul. My dad was a firefighter on 24 Off 48 on the day he worked my grandparents(on his side, never talked to any of my moms family ever again after they petitioned the court to take us away bc they blamed my dad for my moms suicide)would come and stay w us overnite. I tell this story bc that abandonment I believed played a part in me never ever letting another woman ever get close to my heart for fear they would up disappear at the drop of the hat and I didn't ever want to feel that bond in my heart be broke ever again. So when I 1st found out about alcohol, then weed(16 yrs old) and that there was a chemical that could alter reality, and change the way I felt about me, I jumped at it. But everything changed when I was 17 drinking a 22oz Heineken and a buddy tossed me a Vicodin. It was instant love. The only thing on my mind for the next 15 yrs was opiates. Although I managed to receive a small scholarship to pitch in college once I was officially away from a structured regiment my pops instilled, and still not liking letalone loving myself the only way I knew how to make friends at college was thru drugs. But unlike majority of the students who recreationally use pot, drink on weekends but maintain their priorities and reason for being at college. I could not. I flunked out came home got a menial job smoking pot and drinking everyday. But it didn't do the trick. Didn't numb me enough, I still had to think about being a failure without a purpose in life. So now come the pills. Quickly escalated from vikes to perc 5s to yellow 10s and norcos to one day at about 25 yrs old I wanted to know what was so great about a single pill that' people would pay $60 for. So I tried tiny bit of oc80. Snorting of course. And this was better bc it was like 8 ten milli percs in 1 pill with no Tylenol "filler" and you can suck off the time release coating, shave down what you want and save the rest for later. I was doomed!I could get the instant gratification of 8 perc10s all at once! Little did I know that pill would destroy any semblance of what normal semi productive life I had. I got fired(oxy related) and decided that's it that pill cost me my job, and on top I was spending all my $ on it, and dealing to support my $60 a day pill, 6 pack of beer, dime of weed, and pack of cigs. Well I had no idea you couldn't just stop 80 mg of oxy without w/d. It was a total shocker b4 I knew it I went from uncomfortable to laying in a bathtub sweating but shivering couldn't stand, was ready to call 911 but my dad was working and I couldn't have him be one of the paramedics to show up bc he didn't have a clue about the pill use. So I called the "friend" that introduced me to oxy and she said " yea your in withdrawal" well wtf, how do u stop it, when will it stop, will I die???? She came over basically carried me to her car, we went to a pizzeria where I collapsed in a booth and shortly thereafter she literally opened my mouth told me to lift my tongue and put a pill later identified as suboxone under my tongue. Idk maybe a half hr later I opened my eyes, sat up, took a few deep breaths, smelled food cooking, wiped the sweat from my brow said "wtf just happened" I was "healed" and hungry. I got the run down on suboxone heard a few wd horror stories and left w a couple of 8mg subs and was told to quarter them take them at the same 1st sign of wd everyday and you can skip thru wd and by day 6 you'll be free. Well not exactly. Although the wd was nothing for those 6 days after the subs were gone I felt terribly weak and tired. It took me a good 3 weeks to leave my apt. (Which my grandparents always paid the rent for me, relationship w my dad was bad at this point. He saw thru the bs, the failed promises, inability to keep a job, although he refereed to it as Tony not "grabbing the bull by the horns" and being an "eastside trog i.e. Loser afraid of challenges and obstacles). Even tho eventually i came out of the oxy stranglehold I was still if not more miserable w myself. Now 27, no woman, no job, no degree, peddling pot. As long as I had enough money for the days beer, food, cigs(the weed was free the way I saw it) I was content. About this time I got introduced to xanax. Loved it instantly! It would make me forget (literally) all my problems, failures self loathing etc. and it was cheap. And since the warning on the bottle said alcohol will intensify effect and may be lethal. Good and eh if it happens it'll be painless and I'll be done suffering for good. That' was about the time I realized that it was possible for a person like my mom to feel so hopeless dying was easier than living. I had had a few brushes w the law by now and forced( prob why it didn't work) to attend AA and an IOP program. When asked if I had suicidal thoughts, I'd say "no I'd never intentionally take my life bc it would crush my fam, but if I didn't wake up 1 day due to an OD, heart attack whatever I'd be just fine w that. I managed to meet every probation requirement bc the iop didn't drug test( I searched that one out on purpose) and the once a month probation testing was not observed and before the temp was taken and I concealed somebody else's clean urine strapped to my leg into the bathroom everytime for 2 yrs. when I went in front of the judge and he congratulated me on being in the 18% of those to successfully complete the diversion program instead of feeling bad I felt so slick, like I had fooled and beat the system. I look back now at the chances I had to nip this addiction in the butt w utter dismay at how immature, ignorant and careless I was to think I could cruise thru life as a functioning addict w minimal disruption. Fast forward to when I hit 30. Always seeking out a serving job was me. Not having to be to work till 4pm and cash in the pocket everynite is an addicts dream. Atleast mine.it was also around this time I rekindled my true love w opiates. Although I tried every chemical I could find hoping to find the 1 that could make me as content as opiates, I never could. I never like stimulants bc Those didn't numb me and in fact I didn't want to be awake any longer than absolutely necessary so the
    Thought of being up and alert for days on end uh no thx! The guy that used drugs to make things better and go and do fun things, uh not this guy. My goal was never just a buzz unless i had to be semi alert to work or fam functions etc. but even those I could not attend without something in me. (Now is as good a time as ever to say after 15 yrs of drug and alcohol abuse forgive me if It seems like I'm jumping around, skipping, or leaving things out, my memory is suspect at best if not permanently F*****! )only opiates would mask the mental anguish, and resentment I had always had for myself so I went back, and quickly moved up the pantheon of stronger opiates until I landed on 40 mg opana which coincidentally pops on the scene right as the OxyContin is re formulated as tamper resistant and no longer able to be crushed and snorted and no addict I know wants their fix spread out evenly over 8 hours or so. But boom here is opana, a drug 2x if not more stronger than OC able to crush, and contains no filler, all drug. Which brings me to the conclusion. I was able to scheme a prescription for 90, opana40s and 6mg xanax a day. I'd wake up already having laid out 20mg op and snort it b4 I even wiped the crud from my eyes. Had to have my "coffee" then my day would consist of scrounging up enough money for beer, cigs, weed, and sometimes food. My entire day revolved around "pretending" to be productive until 5-6pm when it was time to combine substances and try and be happy in my own little otherwise miserable existence. My perfect nite was to drink 6-8 beers and then Snort 40mg op, chew up 4-6mg xanax then smoke a joint and wait for it to hit. Pass out wake up w druel running down my chin, and cig burns in my clothes. Go to the basement shave down 20 mg set it on my bedside table to wake up to and flop into bed. Finally I overdosed. Woke up in the hospital not knowing wth happened last I knew I did my morning dose, took a shower felt that ruined my buzz did another 20mg and hopped behind the wheel. I crashed but don't remember anything. A witness said I was on the highway looking like I was going to exit when all of a sudden I hooked to the left, crossed 3 lanes and smashed into the median separating east from west. Absolute divine intervention I didn't kill anybody let alone myself. Apparently if it weren't for the pills in my pocket they wouldn't have suspected an od and administered narcan which by the time I came to had me in full blow wd. I was flopping around to the point they sent me to the detox unit. For the 1st time in a long time I was in full blown wd w no access to my pills wanting to die. For the 2nd time in my life a suboxone was placed under my tongue by an angel of a nurse and again 30-45 min later I was "normal". I stayed in detox for 7 days bc I was being given phenobarbital to prevent seizures from xanax wd and while attending the AA meetings in detox and talking w the Dr of the unit I decided to waive the white flag, surrender and start a suboxone program and do whatever the "pros" told me to do without question. The Dr said jump I said how high? He said 90 meetings 90 days along w outpatient rehab 3 hours a day 4x a week until they feel like your done(or insurance stops paying) 1 hr therapy, drug test every Thursday w him, a Psychiatrist versed in suboxone treatment. 1 positive test I'm booted. He won't work harder at my sobriety than me as he has many patients and won't waste his time. So began my journey to self discovery. I've opened up about why I used the way I used and am currently on 20mg viibrid and 75mg venlafaxine for depression and anxiety I've been diagnosed as having major depression disorder without psychotic features, and generalized anxiety disorder. I've followed the drs sub taper plan w little resistance and from 2 yrs ago at 8mg a day to today at 1mg.
    Journey than I ever imagined possible.
    Sincerely, Tony
    PS: did anybody make it to the end of this post?? Lol has to be a record. Excuse any typos, way too
    Long to go back and proofread. Apologies

  2. #2
    Prettytony is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    42

    Default

    Well that cut and copy didn't work. Post was too long but the end was suppose to say.......before saying "your not clean your still on suboxone" and 2 yrs and your still not off???? I'd say yes, and I'll prob be on another year to go from 1mg to nothing but I' believe I've developed a heck of a toolbox in these 2 yrs while giving my brain ample time to repair giving me a better shot at staying sober than if I would have rushed off sub in a month or 2 in a hurry to be "totally clean" when I hadn't developed enough clean time or tools to give me as good a chance at a life of sobriety as i do know.
    Thx Tone

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Posts
    11

    Default

    thats an amazing story. congratulations on being clean for as long as you have made it and good luck to you in the future. my issues are with opiates (codeine) as well. im only on 72 hours but feel really well and hope i can keep this going.. worry i wont be able to..

  4. #4
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    527

    Default

    Hugs PrettyTony! I saw a post u made in the Need to Talk forum. I stalk that forum regularly but I ventured over here today & found u! You are such a beautiful soul you are. It's insane how much we carry around with us on the daily that it's next to impossible to peel it all away & find ourselves. Inside this forum we are only the light of our soul. A safe place to be. You made me laugh when you got caught up in thought & apologize for it. And then hoping we made it til the end. I read it beginning to end & connected. I 2 am long winded. I thinks it great to get lost in your on thoughts while all the dots connect something that we've all numbed for years. I took my "last pill" 70 days ago mentally. I stumbled but did not fall & im 16 days rid from the beast. I felt a failure at first with my relapse but my dots started connecting & I realized my journey to soberity started way b4 the thought of a Day 1. Your did 2 & your dots are connecting. Please keep on writing & peeling away the layers. You deserve all the your hearts desires. Stay in the moment & keep collecting your tools.

    Light & Love,

    ~CC

  5. #5
    Tiredandanxious15 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Posts
    27

    Default

    Pretty Tony,
    That is quite the story, and yes, I did read it all. You've been through a lot and should be proud of where you are. That sounds like exactly the kind of cycle of abuse people dont usually escape from. Proof that it can be done! Hang in there with the subs and kick the stuff for good brother!

  6. #6
    Prettytony is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    42

    Default

    Thx hangin on! Keep on hangin on how long you been usin(abusin) codeine? We talkin cough syrup or pills? I'd say worrying you won't be able to keep away from codeine is a sign you prob won't but I've seen plenty of people (on here too) be 72 hrs clean and brimming w confidence guaranteeing they're done that's it, they feel great, and they relapse the next day. So I think maybe a guarded caution isn't the worse attitude in the world to have 72 hours in. But it's very true that at this stage thinking "omg I can't ever ever use opiates again" is a terrifying thought and the 1 day at a time (cliche but works) should be the focus. Make a goal for yourself no matter what! No matter how I feel physically, or how many times my brain screams for some codeine I'm not even entertaining the notion for another 24 hours. And everytime the thought to use pops back into the brain, don't ponder it, don't allow the positive thoughts you have for codeine to materialize in your brain, and reminisce the good stuff. Either force yourself to think of the negative effects codeine is having on your life and remind yourself continuing to use will result in the same neg effects/consequences continuing to occur. Or just kick the thought right out of your head completely without thinking positive or negatively about them. Immediately turn the channel on the tv, pick up a book, do something that requires your full attn so random thoughts of codeine can't gain your contemplation! You can do it!
    Lvg nghtmare likes this.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Posts
    11

    Default

    thanks tony! ive been using it for 6 years for chronic pain and really the usage got out of hand about 3 years ago.. you are right i definitely need to focus on trying to get through each day.. todays a rough day ive always got medication legitimately so buying on the street wont happen as i dont even know how to do that where to get it lol. so knowing this will be a lot of work to maybe get a few and just got back to the start of withdrawals is definitely what i keep reminding myself.. ive been busted by my pcp so its not gonna happen.. i have an appt tuesday and i worry how i will handle that.. i wonder if i should be honest with my doctor and see what kind of plan we can come up with.. he did mention tramacet not sure what that is but maybe that will help with the pain without bringing me back in the opiate dark hole.. soo many thoughts

  8. #8
    Prettytony is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    42

    Default

    Glad you could connect w my story Chief! And the journey to sobriety is a great way to describe the path we're on. And as you said you were 70 days out when you realized sobriety was in your near future. Now if somebody would've tried to intervene (courts, fam etc) 370
    Days ago, no matter what they did or said could've got you sober right then and there. We have to come full circle and make the conscious decision to get clean for ourselves. If my dad would've went to Alanon and realized this 10 years ago he would've saved himself 10 yrs of complete and utter frustration. But he didn't and he tore himself apart trying to "fix" me to no avail. The courts intervened, I went thru an outpatient rehab for 2 yrs 3 hrs a day 3-4x a week. But it was 12 years ago and even w consequences looming, as an addict I wasn't ready to get clean, still thought there wasn't a problem, it was my life and nobody could force me how to live it, and there was literally nothing(short of being behind bars) that was going to stop me from using. Once my dad started going to alanon it was like the weight of the world was lifted off his chest as he learned about the addicts behavior, motives, etc. but once I made the decision I was getting clean, I can honestly say I've had 0 relapses, and I'm one of the people at AA not getting a court paper signed bc I don't have to be there I choose to be

  9. #9
    Prettytony is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    42

    Default

    Funny you say that tired, my sub dr has had other drs sit in our sessions and ask me all kinds of questions bc my doc says "your a success story and those are few and far in between" especially w my lengthy history of abuse and full blown addiction to opiates, benzos, and alcohol. Feels good. A few years ago there was nothing about me that constituted "success" unless you consider managing to maintain a physical addiction to 3 drugs at the same time on a daily basis. Yuck! So life draining. I swear I was so sick, physically felt like I must have contracted aids or cancer bc it wasn't humanly possible to feel this bad! Everytime I "donated" plasma(2x a week)I was scared to death they'd call me into the office and say "sorry sir your last donation tested positive for.....yikes omg I get shivers just thinking about that. Thankfully 1 of the 1st things into sobriety my dr did was send me for a battery of blood work and everything was A-ok even my liver, astonishing I know! It's weird but I used to think bc I was snorting pills instead of swallowing them I was doing my liver a solid! And it was way better for me to be doing Roxie, oxy, opana bc there was no Tylenol in them to damage my liver. The ridiculous things us addicts do and say to rationalize and justify our addiction

  10. #10
    Prettytony is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    42

    Default

    You should definitely be honest w your Dr if you want his/her professional help kicking this >>>>! Remember your not gonna hurt the Dr by lying, or withholding information, only yourself. The Doc will sleep just fine with or without you, will you? Any Doc that prescribes opiates should be very familiar w their propensity for addiction and has to know that even well meaning good people get caught up, and addicted b4 they even knew what happened. I'd tell the Dr. I didn't wake up 1 day and say "today sounds like a good day to become an opiate addict! Yea that sounds like a great idea, why didn't I think of this sooner!" Nooooobody wants to be an addict! If your forthcoming and ask for options, you should get it. Never heard of tramacet but if it's like tramadol, it's the smallest form of an opiate there is(I believe) but bc it is an opiate, it will fill up the opiate receptors in the brain and help if not elongate w/d completely depending on dose, and how severe your current addiction is and how much opiate your brain needs to say" ok that's enough I won't kick and scream for you to feed me more, and make you feel like heck physically and mentally I won't let you think about anything else until you do!" But if your an addict and have a propensity to abuse opiates, take more than recommended or needed them you'll do the same with tramacet and you'll have made no progress towards gettin clean, and being the person you clearly want to be, but aren't right now. As Is my experience suboxone played a vital role in getting me clean and keeping me clean bc one of the many good things about suboxone is the opiate blocked in it that doesn't allow for me, you, or anybody to get high on opiates while suboxone is in effect. Just an added measure that I can't get high even if I wanted to, my receptors are blocked.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Posts
    11

    Default

    i think you are very right. im gonna go in tuesday and tell him exactly how i feel and hopefully he will be my biggest help!

  12. #12
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    140

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Prettytony View Post
    For as long as I can remember (12 yrs old?) I always felt inferior, scared of the outside world, and generally didn't like myself, and assumed if I didn't like me, how could anyone else? Quickly bc I know this is a drug forum, I caught my dad cheating w the neighbor when I was 9, I told my mom she confronted him he said"good, glad you found out, I don't love u anymore, I want a divorce" or something to the effect. He immediately packed a garbage bag w clothes and moved into a duplex he owned that had a unit unoccupied. My younger bro(17mos) and me kneeled around my moms legs and cried and she said I'll never abandon u like your father has. Next day come home from school, my dad is there so are my grandparents on his side. We play a game of uno and my dad says need to talk to u boys in the bedroom after the game. We go in there and his exact words were "mom died today" come to find out she left me and my bro $20 a piece, a note, and went to a hotel to swallow a bottle of dilaudid and committed suicide. From that day forward it was me, pops and my brother in it for the long haul. My dad was a firefighter on 24 Off 48 on the day he worked my grandparents(on his side, never talked to any of my moms family ever again after they petitioned the court to take us away bc they blamed my dad for my moms suicide)would come and stay w us overnite. I tell this story bc that abandonment I believed played a part in me never ever letting another woman ever get close to my heart for fear they would up disappear at the drop of the hat and I didn't ever want to feel that bond in my heart be broke ever again. So when I 1st found out about alcohol, then weed(16 yrs old) and that there was a chemical that could alter reality, and change the way I felt about me, I jumped at it. But everything changed when I was 17 drinking a 22oz Heineken and a buddy tossed me a Vicodin. It was instant love. The only thing on my mind for the next 15 yrs was opiates. Although I managed to receive a small scholarship to pitch in college once I was officially away from a structured regiment my pops instilled, and still not liking letalone loving myself the only way I knew how to make friends at college was thru drugs. But unlike majority of the students who recreationally use pot, drink on weekends but maintain their priorities and reason for being at college. I could not. I flunked out came home got a menial job smoking pot and drinking everyday. But it didn't do the trick. Didn't numb me enough, I still had to think about being a failure without a purpose in life. So now come the pills. Quickly escalated from vikes to perc 5s to yellow 10s and norcos to one day at about 25 yrs old I wanted to know what was so great about a single pill that' people would pay $60 for. So I tried tiny bit of oc80. Snorting of course. And this was better bc it was like 8 ten milli percs in 1 pill with no Tylenol "filler" and you can suck off the time release coating, shave down what you want and save the rest for later. I was doomed!I could get the instant gratification of 8 perc10s all at once! Little did I know that pill would destroy any semblance of what normal semi productive life I had. I got fired(oxy related) and decided that's it that pill cost me my job, and on top I was spending all my $ on it, and dealing to support my $60 a day pill, 6 pack of beer, dime of weed, and pack of cigs. Well I had no idea you couldn't just stop 80 mg of oxy without w/d. It was a total shocker b4 I knew it I went from uncomfortable to laying in a bathtub sweating but shivering couldn't stand, was ready to call 911 but my dad was working and I couldn't have him be one of the paramedics to show up bc he didn't have a clue about the pill use. So I called the "friend" that introduced me to oxy and she said " yea your in withdrawal" well wtf, how do u stop it, when will it stop, will I die???? She came over basically carried me to her car, we went to a pizzeria where I collapsed in a booth and shortly thereafter she literally opened my mouth told me to lift my tongue and put a pill later identified as suboxone under my tongue. Idk maybe a half hr later I opened my eyes, sat up, took a few deep breaths, smelled food cooking, wiped the sweat from my brow said "wtf just happened" I was "healed" and hungry. I got the run down on suboxone heard a few wd horror stories and left w a couple of 8mg subs and was told to quarter them take them at the same 1st sign of wd everyday and you can skip thru wd and by day 6 you'll be free. Well not exactly. Although the wd was nothing for those 6 days after the subs were gone I felt terribly weak and tired. It took me a good 3 weeks to leave my apt. (Which my grandparents always paid the rent for me, relationship w my dad was bad at this point. He saw thru the bs, the failed promises, inability to keep a job, although he refereed to it as Tony not "grabbing the bull by the horns" and being an "eastside trog i.e. Loser afraid of challenges and obstacles). Even tho eventually i came out of the oxy stranglehold I was still if not more miserable w myself. Now 27, no woman, no job, no degree, peddling pot. As long as I had enough money for the days beer, food, cigs(the weed was free the way I saw it) I was content. About this time I got introduced to xanax. Loved it instantly! It would make me forget (literally) all my problems, failures self loathing etc. and it was cheap. And since the warning on the bottle said alcohol will intensify effect and may be lethal. Good and eh if it happens it'll be painless and I'll be done suffering for good. That' was about the time I realized that it was possible for a person like my mom to feel so hopeless dying was easier than living. I had had a few brushes w the law by now and forced( prob why it didn't work) to attend AA and an IOP program. When asked if I had suicidal thoughts, I'd say "no I'd never intentionally take my life bc it would crush my fam, but if I didn't wake up 1 day due to an OD, heart attack whatever I'd be just fine w that. I managed to meet every probation requirement bc the iop didn't drug test( I searched that one out on purpose) and the once a month probation testing was not observed and before the temp was taken and I concealed somebody else's clean urine strapped to my leg into the bathroom everytime for 2 yrs. when I went in front of the judge and he congratulated me on being in the 18% of those to successfully complete the diversion program instead of feeling bad I felt so slick, like I had fooled and beat the system. I look back now at the chances I had to nip this addiction in the butt w utter dismay at how immature, ignorant and careless I was to think I could cruise thru life as a functioning addict w minimal disruption. Fast forward to when I hit 30. Always seeking out a serving job was me. Not having to be to work till 4pm and cash in the pocket everynite is an addicts dream. Atleast mine.it was also around this time I rekindled my true love w opiates. Although I tried every chemical I could find hoping to find the 1 that could make me as content as opiates, I never could. I never like stimulants bc Those didn't numb me and in fact I didn't want to be awake any longer than absolutely necessary so the
    Thought of being up and alert for days on end uh no thx! The guy that used drugs to make things better and go and do fun things, uh not this guy. My goal was never just a buzz unless i had to be semi alert to work or fam functions etc. but even those I could not attend without something in me. (Now is as good a time as ever to say after 15 yrs of drug and alcohol abuse forgive me if It seems like I'm jumping around, skipping, or leaving things out, my memory is suspect at best if not permanently F*****! )only opiates would mask the mental anguish, and resentment I had always had for myself so I went back, and quickly moved up the pantheon of stronger opiates until I landed on 40 mg opana which coincidentally pops on the scene right as the OxyContin is re formulated as tamper resistant and no longer able to be crushed and snorted and no addict I know wants their fix spread out evenly over 8 hours or so. But boom here is opana, a drug 2x if not more stronger than OC able to crush, and contains no filler, all drug. Which brings me to the conclusion. I was able to scheme a prescription for 90, opana40s and 6mg xanax a day. I'd wake up already having laid out 20mg op and snort it b4 I even wiped the crud from my eyes. Had to have my "coffee" then my day would consist of scrounging up enough money for beer, cigs, weed, and sometimes food. My entire day revolved around "pretending" to be productive until 5-6pm when it was time to combine substances and try and be happy in my own little otherwise miserable existence. My perfect nite was to drink 6-8 beers and then Snort 40mg op, chew up 4-6mg xanax then smoke a joint and wait for it to hit. Pass out wake up w druel running down my chin, and cig burns in my clothes. Go to the basement shave down 20 mg set it on my bedside table to wake up to and flop into bed. Finally I overdosed. Woke up in the hospital not knowing wth happened last I knew I did my morning dose, took a shower felt that ruined my buzz did another 20mg and hopped behind the wheel. I crashed but don't remember anything. A witness said I was on the highway looking like I was going to exit when all of a sudden I hooked to the left, crossed 3 lanes and smashed into the median separating east from west. Absolute divine intervention I didn't kill anybody let alone myself. Apparently if it weren't for the pills in my pocket they wouldn't have suspected an od and administered narcan which by the time I came to had me in full blow wd. I was flopping around to the point they sent me to the detox unit. For the 1st time in a long time I was in full blown wd w no access to my pills wanting to die. For the 2nd time in my life a suboxone was placed under my tongue by an angel of a nurse and again 30-45 min later I was "normal". I stayed in detox for 7 days bc I was being given phenobarbital to prevent seizures from xanax wd and while attending the AA meetings in detox and talking w the Dr of the unit I decided to waive the white flag, surrender and start a suboxone program and do whatever the "pros" told me to do without question. The Dr said jump I said how high? He said 90 meetings 90 days along w outpatient rehab 3 hours a day 4x a week until they feel like your done(or insurance stops paying) 1 hr therapy, drug test every Thursday w him, a Psychiatrist versed in suboxone treatment. 1 positive test I'm booted. He won't work harder at my sobriety than me as he has many patients and won't waste his time. So began my journey to self discovery. I've opened up about why I used the way I used and am currently on 20mg viibrid and 75mg venlafaxine for depression and anxiety I've been diagnosed as having major depression disorder without psychotic features, and generalized anxiety disorder. I've followed the drs sub taper plan w little resistance and from 2 yrs ago at 8mg a day to today at 1mg.
    Journey than I ever imagined possible.
    Sincerely, Tony
    PS: did anybody make it to the end of this post?? Lol has to be a record. Excuse any typos, way too
    Long to go back and proofread. Apologies
    Tony, hey! Wow what a journey you have had! I am amazed how far you came and how good you are doing. I myself was day 3 on 0.125 and relapsed for a week which ended last friday. Im back on 1mg feeling pretty >>>>>>. Whats your plan on tapering from here on out? 25% every 4-7 days? I hope you have a good support system because boredom is our worst enemy. Keep strong ill follow your post!
    Julz

  13. #13
    Prettytony is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    42

    Default

    Not at all. I'm not a believer in if it's not broke fix it anyway, or that one should get off suboxone as fast as humanly, or un humanly possible, just get off it. As I've stated when I have done things "my way" all hel has broken loose in my life. I want to be as far removed from 15 yrs of active opiate addiction, before I come completely off sub. I do agree, and go along w a 25% taper
    From here on out but every 4-7 days isn't in the plan. Understand this is by far the best I've ever done, longest I've ever been clean, living a productive, balanced, healthy, trigger, and craving free life. I've never been able to get or stay sober for any longer than a couple weeks in the past 15 yrs. since sub 2+ yrs of being happy inside n out. Which has always been a big problem for me and something I never really felt possible without daily doses of opiates and co. WHICH WAS just a facade a mask, and a crutch

Similar Threads

  1. HELP! want off pain killers
    By amy369 in forum Need to Talk?
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 07-08-2016, 10:00 AM
  2. Pain Killers and getting off of them.
    By Lander16 in forum Prescription Drug Addiction
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 02-09-2016, 11:42 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22