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New member. My story.
  1. #1
    Wake up is offline New Member
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    Default New member. My story.

    I'm ready to do this now. This is my first shot at a forum or site like this. 36 yr old male, married, kids, house, job, and a great life. Back surgery 10 years ago let to a Lortab ride at 30-40mg per day that worked very well for several years. 4 years ago I started drinking a lot more and getting adderall here and there from a friend. That led to an adderall prescription, 60mg per day. Last year I became hooked on Roxi, or oxycodone 30mg. The blues, crush and snort. My habit didn't as bad as most people I know on them, but still very destructive. 60mg per day, and around here they go for $20-$25, so it's a $50 per day habit.
    Anyway, I can't do it anymore. I've managed to keep this from my wife all these years. None of my family know this. I can feel it getting ready to unravel. My wife sees the money dwindle, she knows something is up. A few days ago, I made a choice after a lot of research I did on my own. I bought a few strips of suboxone to get off the blues and taper as quick as I can. I'm pretty sure I'll need more subs to finish. I started with 1.5mg and I'll be moving down to 1mg tomorrow. I feel fine, but still very worried about what's ahead. I'm determined, but I do know there will come a point when it'll get very tough. I started Monday, and just the feeling saving so much money is great. I have my schedule layed out, I'm going to do it. I want to do it quick because I don't want to get stuck on these, but if I don't stretch it long enough, my body will still be Roxi sick. I'm so nervous, but I see what a very close friend and others are going through, and have gone through. I'm open to advice and suggestions from experienced and knowledgeable members. Thanks.

  2. #2
    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Hi wake up!
    I can't give you much advice on the subs part but I can tell you that what you are about to do is so very brave and courageous. It is absolutely necessary for you to get the life back that you were meant to live.
    I love that you are trying to prevent things from getting too bad. Many people have to hit rock bottom and stay there before they make the change. So congrats on making this decision.
    My advice would be to get rid of subs and ct off of opiates but if that isn't the path for you then keep on keeping on until you get free from the Beast! We will be here to support you through.
    Love and light,
    Butterfly xxoo

  3. #3
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    I'm with its possible. Like my own, you weren't on that high of a dose. You are dragging this out... If you took your last dose today you'd feel good enough to work by Tuesday I'm sure. The decision is yours that's just my 2 cents. I quit on a Thursday night and by Monday I didn't feel good, but I made it through work fine.

    But you're making a good choice! My life has changed for the better over the past 112 days. It'll be tough but so worth it!

  4. #4
    Wake up is offline New Member
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    Thanks to both of you. ItsPossible, very encouraging words. Okc, you are right, I'm dragging this out. This is the game we all play, and I'm no better than anyone else. Jumping off cold is not possible. It's the same reasons everyone drags it out. Life doesn't stop, I'm way too busy and I just don't have time to go through it. I hear anything from 5 days to 3 weeks even at my dose. I'm doing what I think is best from my own research. I was due last week for a Dr visit. I didn't go, didn't call, I'm done with it. (I was getting 10s to sell for Roxi $. This is the closest I've been to sobriety. Even though I have never been stupid high ever in my life, I feel much different, much better.

  5. #5
    taumata2 is offline New Member
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    I have been on suboxone for the last year,I'm now 7 days off ,I got my first decent night sleep ,which was 6
    hours ,last night... I would recomended you taper off subs as quickly as possible ,there I real pain to come off,.I understand you do intend to do a quick taper, just letting you know how awful they are to come off if you take them for a prolonged period......good luck with the detox

  6. #6
    Wake up is offline New Member
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    Thank you. My plan is about 3 weeks. I'm 5 days in, so the end of next week will be my first skip day. I saw one of my best friends go to jail and get out dog sick nearing 3 weeks. His issue was different though. He was up to 300-400mg per day. He had a great job, got fired, habit took off and he started stealing high dollar commercial equipment. His initial habit started when mine did, got on Roxi way before I did, so naturally he was my go to guy. He's not a criminal, none of my friends are. He's a strong, solid guy and we worked out for 10 years together. When it happened to him, I knew it could happen to anyone. So when he got out, he was still sick and went right back to it. I see what he goes through, I'm desperate now.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-25-2016 at 01:52 PM.

  7. #7
    Lastchance186 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wake up View Post
    Thanks to both of you. ItsPossible, very encouraging words. Okc, you are right, I'm dragging this out. This is the game we all play, and I'm no better than anyone else. Jumping off cold is not possible. It's the same reasons everyone drags it out. Life doesn't stop, I'm way too busy and I just don't have time to go through it. I hear anything from 5 days to 3 weeks even at my dose. I'm doing what I think is best from my own research. I was due last week for a Dr visit. I didn't go, didn't call, I'm done with it. (I was getting 10s to sell for Roxi $. This is the closest I've been to sobriety. Even though I have never been stupid high ever in my life, I feel much different, much better.
    Hello Wake up

    How are you doing? welcome to the forum.... I remember saying I just going to quit, I am just going to quit... .Pick back up...Fast forward to 20 years later..... Kids are grown and grandkids here.... I am on day 11 clean.... Time goes by so fast...Weeks turn into months, months turn into years before you know it you are 10 years in then 20 years in....Where did the time go? There will never be a right time to get clean.... When your soul tells you it's time, it;s time.... Your soul is telling you it;s time.....

    Now that you know the truth you will not enjoy it you will just be going through the motions trying not to get sick.... But with sickness comes recovery, with recovery comes freedom....

    To be the man, husband and father you want to be.... Please don't be like me wake up from a haze and everyone is gone....

    Claim your life back now, Your soul is screaming at you stop.....

  8. #8
    Wake up is offline New Member
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    Thank you so much. You are so right. My soul is telling me for sure. And I just realized that I haven't looked at myself in the eyes, in the mirror in months. I have a 9yr old, 4yr old, and a 9 month old son. I NEED to be strong for them. I'm miserable all the time. And just as many have stated here about needing to "get right" before going anywhere or playing with the kids, and making sure my supply is right before I go out of town. It's simple. When it all starts, you do the drugs. It's fun, it works well for a while. Then the drugs do you. No one is above it. And what many people don't understand about it when they're only a short time in, is that you can be a billionaire, with access to any and every drug in the world. It wouldn't matter, once you fall in the hole, you're nothing. It controls you, not the other way.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-25-2016 at 02:20 PM.

  9. #9
    Lastchance186 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wake up View Post
    Thank you so much. You are so right. My soul is telling me for sure. And I just realized that I haven't looked at myself in the eyes, in the mirror in months. I have a 9yr old, 4yr old, and a 9 month old son. I NEED to be strong for them. I'm miserable all the time. And just as many have stated here about needing to "get right" before going anywhere or playing with the kids, and making sure my supply is right before I go out of town. It's simple. When it all starts, you do the drugs. It's fun, it works well for a while. Then the drugs do you. No one is above it. And what many people don't understand about it when they're only a short time in, is that you can be a billionaire, with access to any and every drug in the world. It wouldn't matter, once you fall in the hole, you're nothing. It controls you, not the other way.
    You are so right Wake up!

    one is never enough and a thousand is to many.... Take your life back is so much better on the other side.... You have a wonderful family... I remember that so very well.... I couldn't go anywhere unless I had my stash.... If didn't I was not going because when I was 4 hours clean I would fall to sleep anywhere... I had to make sure I dosed every 4 hours or I would be knocked out somewhere....

    I slept for the first 2 days of my recovery, and when I ran out... The worst part was my granddaughter came to visit and I took my last pill.... I feel to sleep on her and she had to call her dad to pick her up didn't even remember her leaving.... Felt so bad that was the last straw for me....It already robbed me of my kids childhood was not going to rob me of my grandkids childhood no way...

    20 years of taking and taking and taking.....

    Take your life back

  10. #10
    Wake up is offline New Member
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    Lastchance thank you so much. It really does mean a lot to me. Registering on this site was one of the best things I've done in a while. I do have a wonderful family. My kids are amazing. My wife is amazing. And when I say amazing, I mean it. She is clean as a whistle and always has been. She's wonderful and she always has been. She loves me unconditionally and she sees my mood issues and struggles. She confronts me and I just blame it on whatever I can think of. She really is the ultimate woman and she's the best mom in the world. I can talk to her about anything, but for some reason I won't. I'm too proud. She knows me as being so strong, and lately I've felt so vulnerable and I just can't face her with it. She deserves much better and thank god for my kids she is so bulletproof, they are unaffected. These comments are really lifting me up, I feel strong just reading them. I'm so thankful because I've kept this in for so long.

  11. #11
    KnotMeUgh is offline Junior Member
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    Wake up

    Your an awesome person to. Just because you got on these doesn't mean your bad. You made a mistake somewhere and your going to fix it. Just stick with it. My ride starts tomorrow and it will be one hell of of a time. But in a few days let's hope for better things. There is life with out pills.

    Me

  12. #12
    Wake up is offline New Member
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    You are so right, and thank you. Good luck to you, I hope to see you document your progress here if you're up to it.
    I really really wish I could go lock myself in a shed somewhere for a week or two and just disappear and tough it out. But unfortunately that's not possible. Life goes on, and my life is very, very busy. 3 kids, work, house, my wife is a 10 year business owner and she's a true hustler. There's no down time. When I'm not at work, I'm even busier. And I know this is most people's story. We can't just check out of life. I'm 36 with my foot on the pedal. This is the busiest, most hectic time of my life. I'm missing it. I'm there, but I'm missing it. Not only is there life without pills, there's no life with them. We justify. We even convince ourselves we need them. We even consider the possibility of being on this stuff forever. No more. It's a crutch. I have handicapped myself. No Roxis since Sunday and I don't miss it one bit. I was so tired, sick of running and hustling and worrying. I'm a long ways from out of it, but I feel so much relief.

  13. #13
    Lastchance186 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wake up View Post
    You are so right, and thank you. Good luck to you, I hope to see you document your progress here if you're up to it.
    I really really wish I could go lock myself in a shed somewhere for a week or two and just disappear and tough it out. But unfortunately that's not possible. Life goes on, and my life is very, very busy. 3 kids, work, house, my wife is a 10 year business owner and she's a true hustler. There's no down time. When I'm not at work, I'm even busier. And I know this is most people's story. We can't just check out of life. I'm 36 with my foot on the pedal. This is the busiest, most hectic time of my life. I'm missing it. I'm there, but I'm missing it. Not only is there life without pills, there's no life with them. We justify. We even convince ourselves we need them. We even consider the possibility of being on this stuff forever. No more. It's a crutch. I have handicapped myself. No Roxis since Sunday and I don't miss it one bit. I was so tired, sick of running and hustling and worrying. I'm a long ways from out of it, but I feel so much relief.
    Great I do have a thread here where I journal morning and most nights. When I feel like oh just one... I will read back at the hell I went through to get off... It gets harder for me each time.... Don't think I have another day one in me... My body and brain is like is she crazy or what?

    I told my husband because I needed his support with this, and it hold me accountable, I thought he was going to pack his stuff and walk out the door, the first time... this is my second time and he stuck in there with me both times. I don't know what I would have done by way of support without him... We think our family will not understand but they do and they tend to want to help us feel better because they know something is going on with us, and sometime they are relieved because they think it maybe something they are doing....

  14. #14
    Lastchance186 is offline Member
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    Addiction can happen to anyone, anytime, no one is above addiction...

    My therapist said it's a disease had a hard time believing I have a disease called addiction.... Still trying to wrap my brain around all of this for sure.....

    I am clean 11 days now that's what counts.... I will not beat myself up no one I mean no one is above addiction.. It can happen to the best of us.....

    How we choose to deal with it that make us accountable for our recovery....

  15. #15
    Lastchance186 is offline Member
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    I am just going on and on sorry Wake up

  16. #16
    KnotMeUgh is offline Junior Member
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    11 days is awesome how do you feel if you don't mind me asking? Were you on a high dosage?

  17. #17
    Lastchance186 is offline Member
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    Hello Knotme

    I feel okay, I have good and bad days, Yes I feel I was on a high dose I would take 5 to 6 Oxy 10's a day..... Or whatever I could get my hands on,,,,,

    I feel better than I felt 5 days ago.... my energy is still low, Its more of a mental thing now.....up and downs with some depression....

    But it really depends on the person, if you exercise, eat health, and were not on them that long or not on a high dose it maybe a little easier for you.....

    I keep a journal of my days on my thread....

  18. #18
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    Hey Wake up and welcome to the forum,
    So happy for you that your waking up before it's too late. You can do this for yourself and your family.
    But what would make this a true turn around is if you told your wife. I know all the things you said about being strong and you feel vulnerable right now. How do you think she is feeling. Left out, hurt because she know's something is going on and you don't trust her enough to tell her. What if she thought the money disappearing and your weird behavior has something to do with an affair? She sounds like an amazing person, who will not only forgive you, she will join you in your fight. She'd be right there for you, and the main reason for telling her is keeping you held accountable.

    There is a high probability that she already knows and is waiting for you to come to her. Don't let her hurt feelings of being left in the dark put a wedge between you both. That leads to larger wedges and before you know it your wedge has turned into something so big, it can't be fixed.Please for the sake of your marriage, and also for your sobriety tell that woman you love who is amazing and beautiful and a wonderful mother. She deserves to know. She can help you in this battle and be your best ally.

    I'm sorry if I have offended you in anyway. What your doing is probably the hardest thing in the world to do. But the woman your married to loves you enough to be there for you and it almost doubles your chance of making it through this thing. Please consider it. It's a lot to take in, and by no means will members here not support you either way. We all want nothing more than for you to succeed. You can do this!
    Blessings
    Shelly

  19. #19
    Wake up is offline New Member
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    Shelly, what can I say? Everything you said is spot on. She does feel alone, she does feel left out, she is hurting. Of all the comments, this one hit me the hardest. I trust that woman 100%, but I can't tell her. I'm embarrassed. And yes, she thinks it's another woman, or women. How pathetic is that? The reasoning of an addict. I'd rather her go on believing im cheating, than go to her. So many nights, after helping with homework, and bathing the kids, I'd wait for everyone to go to sleep, then go do my thing. She'd wake up and text sometimes, I'd blow it off, start a fight. She would get my insurance statements (she handles all the bills) and question me every so often. I'd blow it off and think of a lie.

    My Dr was a legit Dr I've never been to a pain management Dr ever. So I'm sure she looked him up, but at the time I was going every 3 months, so it's only 4 times a year. Not very alarming. But one day she asked me if I had cancer, why I'm seeing this Dr so regularly, she wanted to know my secret. Once again, it's so easy to hide behind the kids and non stop schedule.
    If I just went to her, she would stand behind me no matter what. She's the strongest woman I've ever known. I hope, as time moves on, this fog and haze will lift so I see more clearly. Then I'll wonder why I never went to her. She's tried so many times.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-26-2016 at 11:27 AM.

  20. #20
    Wake up is offline New Member
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    Quick update. Today is day 7, and for the first time, I woke up with mild symptoms. Slept pretty good, but the kids cut me off early to see what the bunny brought. I'm on day 3 of my current dose (1mg), and I've been sticking to the schedule, a steady taper. I'm following Robert's taper plan, so I go 4 days and drop 25%. Tuesday, I'll be down to .75mg for 4 days. Day 21 will be my first off day, from 4 days of .25mg.

    I woke up a little restless today, that uneasy, grimy feeling. I'd been taking my dose at about 2:00pm everyday, but today I took it at around 8:30am. I still feel a bit off, but I welcome it. My body is responding the exact way I wanted it to, if I can bare these mild symptoms, it'll only be easier in the long run, when the real tests come. If I give myself an extra sliver here and there, I know I'll pay for it later. My overall mood is good, and I've only had 2 or 3 cravings in 7 days, and not hitting that ATM, and not planning my entire day around my next crush and snort, is the best benefit of all. I had been snorting my adderall too, and since I've walked away from the Roxis, I have been taking them as prescribed. They're helping with energy, but I know I don't need them.

    From all the research I've done, the standard conversion seems to be 1mg of sub = 20mg of Oxy, or 30mg of Hydro. Which means I'm at day 3 of 1/3 of my daily Roxi habit. A few weeks ago I tried to taper the Roxi's, or really I guess I tried to check my habit. I made it a day and a half on half my dose, and I couldn't take it. I was sick and agitated, and that's when I realized this is my time to take it head on. If I'm taking 30mg of Roxi, and I'm still sick, that's a big problem and depressing thought. Needing 60mg a day just to not be sick, is no way to live.

  21. #21
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Wake Up
    So, you're on 1.5mgs of sub? Reading the thread, you're planning a 3-week sub detox?
    Sub is very strong. Make sure you take the lowest dose of sub that holds you. Otherwise, you'll have to still go through a sub detox once you're off the pills.
    Look at posts by Cat. She quit very high doses of pills successfully.
    Hang in there! Let us know how you're doing. This is a good decision to get clean!
    You'll never regret it!! Proud of you!

  22. #22
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Good Morning Wake Up, (How appropriate!)

    The conversion of subs isn't as simple as it may seem. The half life of a short acting opiate is only around 4 hrs while the half life of sub can be from 48 to 72 hours. If you do the math, on day 1 you take 1mg. On day two, you still have as much as .75 left from Day 1 and you add on another 1mg leaving you at 1.75 on day 2. If you do the math, even after 5 days you've built up quite a bit of sub. I know. Debbie Downer. This is the primary reason why a short sub taper isn't as successful as taking the time needed to do it Robert's way.

    I don't mean to discourage you. Believe me. Whatever way we can get clean is the right way. I just wanted to warn you that it can be dangerous trying to compare subs to ordinary opiates. There have been people here who have jumped from 4, 6 or more mg per day of subs after using them for years. It wasn't easy but they did it. It shows that we are stronger than we even know. At this point, I say to be aware and if this doesn't work out for you, swallow your pride and jump right back here so someone can help you figure out what to do. I really do hope this works for you. Just wanted to warn you of the pitfalls.

    Peace,

    Cat

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