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No Longer in DENIAL!...
  1. #1
    Brightfuture1 is offline New Member
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    Default No Longer in DENIAL!...

    Hello Everyone,
    I am 33 years old I have been taking Percets, hydros, and any other pain pills that will give me a high or buzz for about 4-5 years. I have 4 kids and a fiance And I'm still able to carry on with my everyday life without showing any signs of being addicted. I tried to stop once and I never knew about the withdrawals so I gave back in trying to taper myself off to satisfy the withdrawals but not hoping to fall back into my 3_4 a day stage and before long I was back to the 3-4! I have always had a strong will but fighting pain pill addictions is on another level and is hard to do alone. I'm thinking about reaching out to my mother but the thought of me disappointing her is killing me. But I do know I'm ready to grab a hold back to my life and enjoying my life and stop just letting it pass me by.
    When I go 24 hours without them my body aches so bad, I have no energy, can't stop running to the bathroom, don't wanna be bothered with my kids or anyone else for that matter, don't want my fiance yo touch me and etc..... The SCARY PART IS FEELING LIKE I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DO IT! But God said the battle is not mines so I do know I'm not alone I just need to keep reading people testimonials and keep pushing myself telling myself I can/WILL get over this.
    ******* ANY HELP OR SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOMED AND NEEDED!
    -THANKS IN ADVANCE
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  2. #2
    Prettytony is offline Junior Member
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    Welcome buddy. I'm 35 fell in love w painkillers the 1st time I tried them at 16 battled addiction and all the hell that came w it while trying to maintain some resemblance of a normal life until I couldn't balance anymore goin in n out of withdrawal and basically gave up on myself and dedicated every min of everyday to being an addict disregarding everything and everyone terrified of w/d and even more of being sober, feeling emotions, and my arch nemesis mirrors. By the grace of God sept 5 2014 during a stay at the detox unit while flopping around like a fish, shaking and shivering in w/d a nurse slipped a suboxone under my tongue. Within 45 minutes I was standing on my feet w the weight of the world off my shoulders. 3 yrs later never touched or felt the need, or want to use since. Started on 8mg sub a day down to 1mg today. A lot of people will tell you to suck it up go cold turkey, it's only 5 days, subs is trading one for another. For me I got thru those 5 days hundreds of times only to have the mental side of addiction and the obsession to use, and that life without opiates is too miserable and I would relapse and be off to the races in no time. I've followed the Drs sub taper plan to a tee and my next drop to 0.75 is comin in 2 weeks. Bottom line is c/t should always be tried, and is the preferred method. But it's not the end all be all only way to recovering your old life back. Good luck bud

  3. #3
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brightfuture1 View Post
    Hello Everyone,
    I am 33 years old I have been taking Percets, hydros, and any other pain pills that will give me a high or buzz for about 4-5 years. I have 4 kids and a fiance And I'm still able to carry on with my everyday life without showing any signs of being addicted. I tried to stop once and I never knew about the withdrawals so I gave back in trying to taper myself off to satisfy the withdrawals but not hoping to fall back into my 3_4 a day stage and before long I was back to the 3-4! I have always had a strong will but fighting pain pill addictions is on another level and is hard to do alone. I'm thinking about reaching out to my mother but the thought of me disappointing her is killing me. But I do know I'm ready to grab a hold back to my life and enjoying my life and stop just letting it pass me by.
    When I go 24 hours without them my body aches so bad, I have no energy, can't stop running to the bathroom, don't wanna be bothered with my kids or anyone else for that matter, don't want my fiance yo touch me and etc..... The SCARY PART IS FEELING LIKE I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DO IT! But God said the battle is not mines so I do know I'm not alone I just need to keep reading people testimonials and keep pushing myself telling myself I can/WILL get over this.
    ******* ANY HELP OR SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOMED AND NEEDED!
    -THANKS IN ADVANCE
    Welcome!

    Good for you that you have admitted to yourself that these pills are stronger than you. That is the first step in finding your way to sobriety. Think of your addiction as being a hamster on a wheel. It goes round and round and the longer and faster it goes, the more desperate you become to find the spot to jump off. A part of this cycle is we know that we're going to get sick in order to detox and the anticipation of that defeats us before we begin. Pile on top of that the fact that we've been trying so hard to keep all of this a secret that it seems impossible to get the time without responsibilities to be down for the week it will take to detox. OK. We can explain that away by being sick for any reason you choose to use but then there's a period of time post detox that we just aren't ourselves. It takes a bit more time to be able to get an acceptable amount of sleep so we're tired and frustrated. We can only make so many excuses and soon our family is worried sick about us. All because we don't want to admit to the people who love us that we need help.

    I know that it will be hard for you but please speak with your Mom. She will be more worried about you than disappointed. I promise you that! She's going to want to do whatever she can to help you including helping with the kids so that you can have that down time that you need. What you can expect is about 5 days of sleeplessness, aches, bathroom issues, anxiety, and likely restless legs. It feels much like a bad flu and most of these symptoms will stop very abruptly around Day 5. Then you will feel like you're getting over the flu. Tired and lackluster. It will take another couple of weeks or so before you begin to get some good restful sleep. It's not easy but I promise it can be done.

    Read lots of threads here for inspiration. Get excited that you are going to get past this. We have to come to terms with the fact that we'll have to detox to get sober be it today, tomorrow or ten years from now. It is that simple. There is no other way to get to the other side except to walk right through it. The other option is to live the rest of your life in active addiction and no one wants that. No one. Set your Day 1, stock up on the items that might help the symptoms, and get on with it. Five days is a small price to pay to get your life back and to stop allowing a pill to control you. You can do this!

    Keep posting. There will be lots of folks around to support you and give you the tips that helped them.

    Peace,

    Cat

  4. #4
    Brightfuture1 is offline New Member
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    _PrettyTony
    Why Thank You a lot for that! I'm having emotional break downs just thinking about the next 24 hours and how it's going to attack my body due to the withdrawals. My cousin quite COLD TURKEY he was taking up to 7 a day and been abusing for bout 7 years. He fought through his WD for 3 days with real bad stomach pains. Now it's like day 8 for him and he still have a hard time sleeping at night but he pushed through. How could I be so Weak to not be able to FIGHT THIS!!!

  5. #5
    Brightfuture1 is offline New Member
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    -Cat
    With tears in my eyes THANK YOU. I really needed to hear this instead of having no one to talk to I feel at ease that I'm not alone anymore and I have people to help me get through this. I am going to talk to my mother she arrives tomorrow and better now than never enough is enough. But from the bottom of my heart I SAY THANK YOU!
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  6. #6
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brightfuture1 View Post
    -Cat
    With tears in my eyes THANK YOU. I really needed to hear this instead of having no one to talk to I feel at ease that I'm not alone anymore and I have people to help me get through this. I am going to talk to my mother she arrives tomorrow and better now than never enough is enough. But from the bottom of my heart I SAY THANK YOU!
    You are more than welcome. Although talking to your Mom is scary, you're going to feel much better about this once it's out there. Sometimes we just need support and this is one of those times.

    This is not a matter of being weak, Sweetheart. These pills take over and hold us hostage. There is a very real physiological response to taking opiates, make no mistake about it. None of us woke up one day and decided that we'd become an addict and it's impossible for anyone who hasn't experienced this to truly understand the mental and physical parts of addiction. "Just stop." Right. If it were only that easy but it's not.

    The good news is that this doesn't have to be a death sentence and if you want to get past this, you will. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. I thought I understood what one day at a time meant but they were only words until I finally really understood it. Especially at the beginning of our recovery, we have to face the music without the crutch of a pill to get through it. One day at a time means just that. I don't have to think or worry about tomorrow or next week. My goal is to just get through the here and now. I have promised myself every morning for the past seven years that I will not use today. No promise for tomorrow, I just know that I will go to bed tonight clean and sober. That is my goal. Just stay clean for today. Embrace this concept now before you begin to detox. Hide the clocks! I would set small goals for myself. I mean really small! I knew I could get through the next hour so that's what I'd do, just get thru the next hour. By the time it got to be 9pm, I'd promise myself that I would get thru the night. And so on. Just so that you know, I abused pain pills for nearly 20 years using as much as 240mg/day. When my last Day 1 arrived, I was consistently using around 200mg/day mostly percs but I'd use whatever I could get my hands on in a pinch. I was 56 years old and that was seven years ago.
    ,
    I hope that you become an active member here. After countless detoxes and subsequent relapses, the inspiration I got just from reading the stories of others made such a difference for me. It's therapeutic to just log on here and write out how you're feeling and sharing things in this very safe place. Face to face support is always best, but the network of this Forum also provides a form of accountability. Just knowing that there is a group of folks who understand what you're going through and rooting you on can make all the difference in the world. It's so weird, isn't it? Bit by bit we get to know one another. There are people I've met here over the years and although I will never meet them, I have formed attachments to them and I truly care that they are doing well. So, post often and there will always be someone around to hold you up when you don't think you can stand alone. Support, ya know?

    Peace,

    Cat

    PS Let us know how it goes with your Mom.
    Autumnhopes likes this.

  7. #7
    Brightfuture1 is offline New Member
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    - Cat
    You are a BLESSING!!! Please stay in touch your words are so uplifting and reassuring and calming. I'm still pushing through barley but I am. My mom don't want to face the fact that her strongest child is addicted to pain pills. She said I'm still in one piece and it cut me so deep because It took all of me to open up to her. I just wanted her to hold me and tell me she loves me and will be here for me.....I don't know I'm so lost in my thoughts I can't even make myself get out of bed I feel so DRAINED and like my body is so heavy. I just wanna see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm beyond scared of giving my life back to these pain pills.
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  8. #8
    asp44 is offline Member
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    Cat always gives great advice. Once you make it thru the first week things get a little easier. But it does take time. Im three weeks in as of today. What a roller coaster! There have been ups & downs. Thankfully the good days are starting to outnumber the bad. Hang in there and take it hour by hour. The first 5 days sucked no doubt about it. Me & hot baths had a steamy love affair that first week. We still see each other just not as iften. The other thing that really helped was reading and posting a lot on here. Best of luck.

  9. #9
    zebra1961 is offline Member
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    Brightfuture,welcome just want to say yes you can do this!! Most of the Battle is in the mind, the first 3-4 days are rough not gonna sugar-coat it but if i did it anyone can. Day 1 and 2 are the strongest withdrawals then they drop off rapidly. Then your mind more than your body will be asking you to feed it more. Look up and follow Thomas recipe really helps, Hot soaks do wonders for physical wds and exercise really helps with the mental part. Dont feed your body any more drugs it will set you back and you lose the time you have gained after you quit. Stay positive look ahead better days ahead i promise you!!! Lots of us have quit so i know you can, It will i year for me on the 17th of June 2017. I cant believe its already 1 yr. Take 1 hr. 1 day at a time soon you will have this in the rear view mirror on the way to the real YOU!!!! KEEP US POSTED hope this helps.

  10. #10
    Tiredandanxious15 is offline Junior Member
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    Bright future, you seem like you're already getting plenty of support here! I am currently 41 days free from the clutch hydrocodone had on my life. I read countless threads including starting a few of my own. Not a soul knows how addicted I was except the place I was getting them and the beautiful people here. Cat and many others always give good advice.

    Be prepared for the misery you're going to face! Knowing what I was going through was half the battle for me. I made this account a few days or maybe a week into wd and named it appropriately for what I was feeling at the time. If I were to rename it today I'd go with something more along the lines of "Happy and Myself".

    I won't lie I have my moments that I crave but thats about it at this point and they're getting further and further apart. I remember being in your shoes and thinking "if I could just get to 30 days". 30 days feels like a lifetime while in WD but in the grand scheme of things you're going to, or already have missed a lot more than 30 days of your life to the pills. Don't lose anymore days, or anything else for that matter. Keep us updated! I'll be looking for your updates, you're not alone!

    Here's to a horribly terrific week!

    -T&A

  11. #11
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    You are more than welcome. Although talking to your Mom is scary, you're going to feel much better about this once it's out there. Sometimes we just need support and this is one of those times.

    This is not a matter of being weak, Sweetheart. These pills take over and hold us hostage. There is a very real physiological response to taking opiates, make no mistake about it. None of us woke up one day and decided that we'd become an addict and it's impossible for anyone who hasn't experienced this to truly understand the mental and physical parts of addiction. "Just stop." Right. If it were only that easy but it's not.

    The good news is that this doesn't have to be a death sentence and if you want to get past this, you will. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. I thought I understood what one day at a time meant but they were only words until I finally really understood it. Especially at the beginning of our recovery, we have to face the music without the crutch of a pill to get through it. One day at a time means just that. I don't have to think or worry about tomorrow or next week. My goal is to just get through the here and now. I have promised myself every morning for the past seven years that I will not use today. No promise for tomorrow, I just know that I will go to bed tonight clean and sober. That is my goal. Just stay clean for today. Embrace this concept now before you begin to detox. Hide the clocks! I would set small goals for myself. I mean really small! I knew I could get through the next hour so that's what I'd do, just get thru the next hour. By the time it got to be 9pm, I'd promise myself that I would get thru the night. And so on. Just so that you know, I abused pain pills for nearly 20 years using as much as 240mg/day. When my last Day 1 arrived, I was consistently using around 200mg/day mostly percs but I'd use whatever I could get my hands on in a pinch. I was 56 years old and that was seven years ago.
    ,
    I hope that you become an active member here. After countless detoxes and subsequent relapses, the inspiration I got just from reading the stories of others made such a difference for me. It's therapeutic to just log on here and write out how you're feeling and sharing things in this very safe place. Face to face support is always best, but the network of this Forum also provides a form of accountability. Just knowing that there is a group of folks who understand what you're going through and rooting you on can make all the difference in the world. It's so weird, isn't it? Bit by bit we get to know one another. There are people I've met here over the years and although I will never meet them, I have formed attachments to them and I truly care that they are doing well. So, post often and there will always be someone around to hold you up when you don't think you can stand alone. Support, ya know?

    Peace,

    Cat

    PS Let us know how it goes with your Mom.

    Your experience is beautiful & inspiring to hear! Thank you for sharing. I'm in a tough place of wanting/not wanting to fight. But I've discovered this website & love it.

  12. #12
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brightfuture1 View Post
    - Cat
    You are a BLESSING!!! Please stay in touch your words are so uplifting and reassuring and calming. I'm still pushing through barley but I am. My mom don't want to face the fact that her strongest child is addicted to pain pills. She said I'm still in one piece and it cut me so deep because It took all of me to open up to her. I just wanted her to hold me and tell me she loves me and will be here for me.....I don't know I'm so lost in my thoughts I can't even make myself get out of bed I feel so DRAINED and like my body is so heavy. I just wanna see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm beyond scared of giving my life back to these pain pills.

    Bright future you can do it! it's in your name...you have a "bright future" ahead.. I'm in fighting/not fighting mode because of my fears but this site has been a gift. We always want our family to take us in their arms & say all the right things but sometimes it just takes people time. They need time to come to terms with things & then when you least expect it your mom will hug you & say what you need. Just keep with the course you're on!! She will be so proud of you!!

  13. #13
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brightfuture1 View Post
    - Cat
    You are a BLESSING!!! Please stay in touch your words are so uplifting and reassuring and calming. I'm still pushing through barley but I am. My mom don't want to face the fact that her strongest child is addicted to pain pills. She said I'm still in one piece and it cut me so deep because It took all of me to open up to her. I just wanted her to hold me and tell me she loves me and will be here for me.....I don't know I'm so lost in my thoughts I can't even make myself get out of bed I feel so DRAINED and like my body is so heavy. I just wanna see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm beyond scared of giving my life back to these pain pills.
    I'm so sorry that I missed this post and am only now replying to you. Well. Mom didn't come through for you,huh? It doesn't help to hear this, but I think that your Mom just doesn't want to face how serious this is. You are probably the one that she didn't need to worry about. She just knew that you'd be OK. Now that you need her, she doesn't know what to do with that.

    I hope that you check in soon to let us know how you're doing. I am sooooo sorry that I missed you. Here's a big hug for you, from me. Not as good as one from your Mom but I'm better than nothing. (((((((HUGS!)))))))

    Peace,

    Cat
    Autumnhopes likes this.

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