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Oxycodone/hydrocodone addiction with a side of xanax
  1. #1
    Wreckingball is offline New Member
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    Default Oxycodone/hydrocodone addiction with a side of xanax

    I have frequented these boards for many years but haven't been able to muster the courage to join up and contribute/ask for help.

    That being said, I am a long time opioid addict. Started years ago taking a 5 mg Percocet for strep throat that wasn't even prescribed to me. I fell in love with that feeling and have since then ruined my life with small breaks and rebirth into recovery.

    I eventually got onto methadone maitenance for 5 years and weaned off over a long period of time. I managed to stay sober for a year before something switched in my mind to restart the whole nasty process of the beast of abusing opioids.

    My tolerance level to oxycodone nowadays is at around 30-45 mgs a day. I ran out of money and am struggling to make up my mind to let it go. But I have a trip coming up and I don't want to be pill sick for it. Also I should mention, I have been prescribed Xanax for 15 years and my current dosage of that is 2-3 mgs once at night for insomnia and anxiety.

    I don't really enjoy they effects of the alprazolam but at this point I am hopelessly physically addicted to it.

    I can't talk to anyone, family or friends about the oxy habit re emerging. I put my family through hell in the past with this and I can't stand to let them know that I was weak and fell back into it. I know it's possible to kick it because I have done it several times, but the fear is still very real about the withdrawals.

    I'm not a very outgoing person and it is difficult for me to ask for help. I just need someone to listen to me and not judge me. I would love to try to help others on here but right now I can't even help myself.

    Even if nobody responds to this thread it feels good to get it out there and not have to stuff it and hide it.

    Opiods provide such an amazing feeling for me(and I'm sure everyone else) but it takes its toll on who I am as a person, the depths of depravity I go to to obtain it causes much self hatred.

    Anyway if tou made it this far, thank you for reading this
    Ming23 likes this.

  2. #2
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Wreckingball
    Welcome! You've certainly come to the right place!!
    Everyone here knows and understands what you're going through. When's the trip coming up?
    Our friend Cat on the Forum is a pill expert who says u can cold turkey those 30-45mg oxy and be done with it in 5 days. You have the prescribed benzos, which should help a lot.
    Don't and i say Do Not quit those benzos cold! Talk to your doctor about a slow taper if u decide to quit them.
    But the oxy is quittable.
    Many of us lurked around these boards for quite some time before posting. We're all very much alike!
    We really do know what you're going through. Hang in there.
    Can u space together 5 days for the "flu"? Keeps your privacy that way.
    Look for posts by Catrina, as I mentioned, she jumped from very high doses of pills.
    The short-acting opiates can be out of your body in a week! How great would that be?
    Get some Imodium and a case of bottled water. Stay hydrated to flush pills out.
    You can do this! Pick a date to get "the flu"!
    Post when u can. It helps! You are not alone!!
    Catrina likes this.

  3. #3
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Welcome Wreckingball,

    I'm very glad that you have read threads here and that you finally created your own and posted. For me, after almost 20 years of it, posting was my first step. It felt so good to just get it out and get the help I received here, I'm sure it is what it took to inspire me and to know exactly how much I wanted my sobriety too. I saw here it was possible. Reading posts from people in the throes of withdrawal, newly clean, and those with some clean time under their belt--I wanted that--all of it. It made me ready to face my week of detox and I was excited. I was ready! That was over 6 years ago and I'm still going strong.

    You're not new to detox so I won't bother to explain what to expect. Just remember that it's very predictable. If you can change your thinking about being sick, you can change how you deal with it and that makes it more bearable. I posted here day and night, even when there wasn't anyone around. I'd read old threads and post there anyway. I began to get to know the people here and I wanted to be a member of this community. There's no judgement. Just advice and lots of encouragement. There is hope.

    I most definitely understand that you don't want your family to know about this. I know I was in that same boat. They had tolerated so much from me in the past and didn't and still don't understand the mind of an addict. My daughter is a nurse and she would understand more than any of them, but you can't possibly know what addiction is all about unless you experience it. So here we are. Ming is right. It's a little late to the party, but the flu has arrived in full force here. Five days. We so dread the symptoms, but do a little work on your mindset. Put the blame where it belongs. These pills have made you sick. Get through that and then begin the task of forgiving yourself. More on that later. It was a biggie for me too.

    Hope I see you post again and you get this show on the road. Pick a day. No excuses. Right? I always planned for my last pill to be on a Thursday night. Friday, Day 1 was never that bad. Some anxiety and watching and waiting. It gave me the weekend and by Day 5, the worst of the physical symptoms were gone and I was able to go back to work on Day 6. Weak and tired but getting back to my routine was important. Your time frame may not even be as long as mine was and may not be as severe. I was using around 180 mg/day. You can do this. It's no way to live.

    Peace,

    Cat

    Peace,

    Cat

  4. #4
    Wreckingball is offline New Member
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    Thank you Ming and Catrina for your quick response. Ming, my trip is April 10th and I decided today will be the first day of detox.

    I took 20 mgs of oxycodone yesterday at 3:30 pm. I slept as much as I could last night knowing that's going to be hard to come by for a while. I also stocked up on Imodium and bought a bottle of grapefruit juice. In case it gets too unbearable, I was toying with the idea of using the Imodium for more than just the diarrhea(the sweats/chills/aches)for a day or 2.

    After I detoxed off of the methadone and was clean from opiods for that year, I started to taper the Xanax. But once I started back into the oxy/hydros I went back to normal dosing on days I couldn't obtain opioids.I have no desire or plan to come off of the Xanax until I'm free from the opioids this time around.

    You are right Catarina, I have an idea of what to expect but this has been the worst I have been hooked on the oxy/hydro since before I went on methadone. Although not quite the level I was at. I really do hope it's only 5 days of being sick and that I didn't screw myself too badly. It's been nearly a year of taking the opiods this go around. But I was trying to keep it under control not going past 30mgs a day of either oxy or hydro. Last week that control went out the window and I did in fact go over. Last Thursday and Friday, I took 60 mgs of hydrocodone. But cut it back after that.

    I'm sorry for droning on about my use but I wanted to make sure you guys knew exactly where I was at with all of this. So yeah, the "flu" is coming

    Catrina, 6 years is awesome! I hope I can get to that point as well.

    As for the forgiveness part, I'm having trouble with that as I knew better and should not have started taking the pills again. I was brought to complete rock bottom in the past with my addiction which is why I went onto the methadone. Never going back to that for sure.. That was literal hell coming off of, much worse than the shorter acting opiods.

    Anyways thanks again guys for your words of encouragement, I really do appreciate it.
    Ming23 likes this.

  5. #5
    Wreckingball is offline New Member
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    Apologies for misspelling your name Catrina, auto correct sucks sometimes

  6. #6
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wreckingball View Post
    Apologies for misspelling your name Catrina, auto correct sucks sometimes
    I've been called worse. You haven't totally screwed yourself. Your use, even that of last week, was only a fraction of what I used. No matter what your symptoms feel like, just know if you stay strong and committed you'll be done with the acute part sometime this weekend and the worst of it will end abruptly.

    Stick and around and post and read while you're trying to occupy your mind and time. I've got lots of pep talks still left in me to help you next week to get you on the road to recovery. It gets a whole lot easier once you get the hang of being clean.

    Peace,

    Cat

  7. #7
    Wreckingball is offline New Member
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    Thanks again for replying. I have come to the idea that my fear of the symptoms I have started to experience today(which are mild at the moment) are slightly overshadowed by the fear of caving in and getting more oxy/hydro.

    My current tolerance may be small compared to others but I'm having trouble sticking to my mindset of getting clean. The excuses are already starting to pop up in my head. When I had the year long sobriety from the pills I was terrified of them of what my insatiable hunger for them had me do in the past which is what helped keep me on the straight and narrow.

    I don't know what happened.. I guess the fear vanished along the way somewhere. I will try my hardest to resist.

    I took 16 mg of imodium in hopes it would help curtail my cravings. I'm not sure if it has

  8. #8
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hence, the reason we relapse. After a period of time going along our merry way we begin to think that we can indulge "this once". We forget for a just a minute what it felt like to detox and we're sure we won't get sucked in again. The perfect storm. Then we find ourselves back in active addiction and now we're remembering what detox felt like and we will go to most any extreme to avoid it. Along with that come the excuse, both big and small. For years, I'd tell myself to take what I had on hand and tomorrow I'd begin. Can't tell you how many thousands of days I said this same thing.

    I've posted here before that during my first year clean, I had a friend newly out of the hospital after a major surgery and confined to bed staying with me. Her meds, including her pain killers sat on my kitchen table and I'd be in charge of being sure she took what she needed to take. I was terrified of touching that bottle of oxy. I wouldn't touch the pills themselves. I'd pour out everything else into my hand and carry the bottle to her and pour them into her hand. These days, I'm aware of the danger of those pills but I wouldn't call it terrified of them. More like what a diabetic might feel toward a jelly donut.

    The cravings your are feeling now are at the worst they're going to be. We know that one dose and we'll be good as new and your brain and mind are screaming. Those cravings will subside once you've detoxed. Slow but sure. There will be a day in the foreseeable future that you'll realize you went an entire day without thinking about a pill. Then, they can hardly be called a craving at all. Maybe a passing thought that you can dismiss as quickly as it entered your mind.

    For now, make small goals. Stay busy for 15 minutes and vow you won't be tempted to take anything but you can reconsider once that time has passed. Then do it again. And again. Soon, you can make that promise for an hour, until noon, until morning. I know this sounds stupid but I have to tell you, I was determined and without fear going into my last detox and this is exactly how I got through it.

    Peace,

    Cat

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