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Oxycodone withdrawal - Help please
  1. #31
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Wow... Those symbols make it look like I cussed. Sorry. Guess I should have stuck with yucky, yucky day.

  2. #32
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    You are SO right Catherine. Even though I've felt >>>>>> today I've also really thought a lot about what I want. And I want off this drug. I've made up my mind on that one. Having set my mind to it, it's kinda more a "god this bites" kind a thing. I'm letting go of that panicky fear ("what am I gonna do without them"). Point is I "don't want" them so my focus is just on getting thru this. It really is a mindset thing. Still bites - but I can see the reward ahead.

  3. #33
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Got in to the hot tub for 20 minutes. WOW. I feel so much better! Took a a shower, now in jammys, hoping for an early bedtime. Tomorrow I'm gonna "make" myself get in the pool and do some aerobic exercise. Y'all hold me to that.

    Every time I got a queasy today I made myself eat a little something. It seemed to help, for now, but now I feel the need for stretchy pants. Ugh. I ate 2 bananas, 4 boiled eggs, brussel sprouts, a gal of juice, a slice of velvet cake, and a nectarine, and I'm sure I missed something. lol.

    Maybe if I eat a lot today I'll have stored up energy tomorrow in case I can't eat. For this moment anyway, I feel a little better than I did earlier. I'll take what I can get, for however long it lasts.

  4. #34
    melindau is offline Member
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    Hi Gracie
    It sounds like you are doing wonderful! I love watching people like you that are so determined to get clean...
    Keep up the good work!
    Melinda

  5. #35
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    I repeat: you are AWESOME! Now about that red velvet cake, I did NOT need to know that. TMI. Now I am jonesing...
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  6. #36
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Thank you Melinda!!

    What a sleigh ride thru hades this is. Feel like I've been hit by a truck this morning. Guess it's okay-at least things seems to come in waves (physically and mentally). Even a tiny break is so welcome.

    I talked to one of my best friends (in Denver) last night. She knows about this. She is so supportive. Going to go see her for Halloween. She's a Navy wife, too. My late husband and I got married at their house on Halloween. Our wedding was the surprise entertainment at the costume party. Little red riding hood and the big bad wolf. lol

    I miss those days, surrounded by my military family. No drugs, no family drama. Just normal life. I've decided that when I get thru the detox phase of this I'm going to travel for a couple months. I've got friends scattered all over. Sounds like a good way to start rebuilding my life. For the last 8 yrs I've isolated myself. Have to turn that around. Part of the isolation was due to me not facing the string of family deaths I went thru, but part of it was addiction. Talk about a double whammy.

    Lost my husband when I was 43. Now, at 51, it's time to "truly" heal and rebuild my life.

    We truly are our own worst enemy. Told myself I can wallow in the mire like I've done the last 8 yrs (that got me nothing), or I can pull up my big girl undies and face all this head on and have a life again. That's what I want. Tired of living at the bottom of a pit. I want to enjoy life and be happy. I can't even remember sometimes how it feels to be happy. Seems like a lifetime ago.

    I will be happy again tho. Once I kick the Percs I'll be in a better frame of mind to pick up the pieces. Live in the present. Can't wait for Tolle's book to get here. Read the description on Amazon and it looks like a great book. I've already started trying to live in the present, even if it's only for a few minutes at a time. I'll get better at it. Tiring not to get bogged down by feeling right now, and telling myself I have the flu and it will pass. Trying not to wig over the future. I'll deal with it when it gets here.

    Some moments are easier than others. The thought of being drug free and having a brand new shiny life keeps me going.

  7. #37
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Gracie,

    You are absolutely, incredibly correct! It was when I decided that I was entirely sick to death of being the "injured one" "the victim". That sucks! Who wants to be that???? Once I began to disrobe of the self-inflicted role I began to heal and the transformation began almost instantly. I take that one day at a time too, by the way. Today I will not use. Today I am not the victim!!

    Peace,

    Cat
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  8. #38
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Amen to no more being a victim Cat!

    Got into the pool. YAY. Only 15 minutes, but 15 minutes is 15 minutes. Doing okay, but this barely being able to move without feeling like the ground is sucking me down is yucky. My legs ache. And the day is draaaaaaging. Toughing it out though.

  9. #39
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    Exactly Gracie!!

    One of the other most important things about this Forum that has helped me (aside from tips to detox) is the sharing of how others, longer in recovery, are getting past the stuff that may have put them in this position in the first place. Life happens for everyone, I understand, but what is the difference for an addict? Other than the apparent scientific fact that we are predisposed to addiction, how did we get here? I mean, we're not stupid--not that addition discriminates! There's some really dumb addicts too

    Some folks begin to use for recreation and others of us got that first prescription for a legitimate medical issue but either way we fell in love and fell hard. It's my opinion that this ties into the control issues we have. We MUST always be in control but mostly we are simply attempting to control everyone else's problems while at the same time we are totally out of control of our own lives. We are so busy "doing" for others that there isn't time to tend to our own sh*t. Enter pills. Oh Boy! A new can of worms. We feel so bad about ourselves for relying upon pills to cope that we begin to be the dumping ground for anyone who needs one. We rise to the occasion because we feel so guilty with ourselves that we accept it, we think we deserve being treated badly and probably deserve the bad things that happen to us. We have no right to stand up for ourselves. We have become broken in the true sense of the word. That in turn spins us a bit more and we justify using to cope. And the circle is perpetual, never stopping until we see that we're not controlling a damn thing and most certainly not ourselves. Time to jump ship.

    Recovery for me eventually was recognizing what all this control had done to me and working on not boarding that ship ever again. Took some time, but once I began to forgive myself and to recognize that I didn't have to be the go-to person for everyone and anyone, it gave me the time to become a little selfish. It's not being selfish, after all, there's no way I'd allow anyone to solve my problems--help me--yes. That means that I have to take care of myself, sometimes with help that makes it a bit easier. I began to do that and miracle of miracles, my own problems began to be fewer. Now, I'm not a genius but I never considered my self an idiot either but this concept was new to me but is pretty simple, right? I just didn't take to time to figure that out until I was clean.

    "The Needy Ones" arrived in numbers at my house yesterday. Suddenly, I had errands. Out the door I went at around 8am. I went to visit a friend (not one of the "Needy Ones" ) and shared a few laughs over a cup of coffee. Next stop, went for a manicure and then a long drive. Damn long day! Whew! Didn't get home until around 5:30. Two "Needy Ones" still here but I was just so tired from my long day that I just needed some food and then to relax. What a nice day I had. Could have been a nightmare. I chose otherwise.

    So, where are you now with your taper? How much are you taking per day? Mind you, I never could taper myself. I am an addict and for me that equals total lack of self discipline so I find this amazing. On the other hand, if you are able to jump ship now and stop picking at that bandaid you'd have a few bad days and be over this. Your decision, just wondering where you're at. Delaying taking that pill....WOW. Good for you!

    Peace,

    Cat

    Cat,

    Your 2nd and 3rd paragraph is astutely insightful. I read those to my friend who is struggling......she said 'I could have wrote that'......she is beginning to see she is not alone. Thanks for those words.

    How you doing Gracie?
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  10. #40
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Hey Silverling! Hangin in there. Thank you for reposting Cat's post. I must have missed that one (fog brain). It's exactly what I've been mulling over today. Jumping. I'm very tired of dragging this thing out and suffering. I'm taking 10 mg a day but haven't adjusted to it yet. I think after I see mom tomorrow I'm gonna go back to the store and stock up, them go ct on Wednesday. I want this over. I could tamper, but (and this is just me) I can't see suffering thru a detox that may last three weeks. I'm ready. Time to do this.

    Very insightful message Cat. I, too, love your second paragraph. You described exactly what I did. Doing for others while my own life fell apart. Allowed myself to get wrapped up into drama that was toxic to me. I was so deep I couldn't even think about me or addiction. I'm a "fixer" by nature. Nothing wrong with that but I have problem setting boundaries. I'm really looking forward to the new me.

    Gosh, I can hardly think straight enough to string 2 thoughts together. I am definitely ending this sooner rather than later. Cat's right. Go for it and be done.

  11. #41
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    I was taking 20 mg a day and then went to 10. Benn doing that about 3 days I think. Don't think I was really at 20 mg before. Every other day or so I was taking 30 mg. dropping to 10 mg has been TOUGH. That's why I just wanna go ahead and jump.
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  12. #42
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    I'm losing track of the days. Man oh man. It's been 5 days at 10 mg a day, but I caved twice and took an extra 5 mg. this thing really does mess with ya mentally. All the reason why I wanna get it over with.

  13. #43
    melindau is offline Member
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    ok now you got me all excited!!! Let's get this done!!! you did a great taper... and now for the grand finally! you ready girley! if I were you I would go see mama and then dont take anything that night and get it over with!!! what do ya think!
    Melinda

  14. #44
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Thanks Melinda. You're an awesome cheerleader! I like your idea, too. I'm gonna do it!! One more dose (in the morning) and then we get this show on the road. Just think, by Sunday I'll be thru the worst of w/d. Sounds glorious. Telling myself it's like the metamorphoses of a caterpillar into a butterfly.

    I can do this. I've hated every dose I've taken in the last 5 days. Every time I've read the progress of another and their success it's made me hungrier for freedom. For me, I've just got to "do it." It's really not unlike other unpleasant things I've gone thru. Recovery from surgery, having wisdom teeth cut out, suffering thru bronchitis. I've got my head set, my mind made up. Just go with the flow and know that I'll get thru the next 5 days. I can do this. Victory will be mine.

    Forgive me in advance for the many posts I know I'll be making and the whining to come. With y'all's support and encouragement this will be easier. Thank you all so much!!!!!

  15. #45
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Gracie,

    You mind is now in the right place. Don't look back, just trudge forward. Incessant posting? My middle name! Whining, need a little cheese to go with that whine? I was the supreme being of whining. Think I have a Ph.D. If you run out of whine, I bet I can find some for you to borrow. No worries. This is your thread and place to unload. It's our choice to read and respond or sigh and move on. No one will be sighing or moving on. We told you in the beginning...we're in this with you all the way.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  16. #46
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    I think you have kind of lined up your cheering squad here Gracie, with your bravery in moving forward, and your constant honest posts. Several of us regularly seek out your thread, and I bet there are 100s? more who read but have not yet had the courage to post. It is hard, and you have done it with grace (good name you chose there!).

    Move forward and aim toward Sunday, a great day to start feeling a little better, and you will I believe. The next four, not so fun, but really I must say I was sicker when I had the Norovirus last Spring. I think you are getting "The Power of Now"? I have used that book a lot during bad times, even though it gave me relief for very short periods of time. With practice, it becomes a very helpful meditational tool.

    You know what else I would start? It sounds a little crazy, but find a table and lay out one of those big jigsaw puzzles. I found I had little ability to concentrate, but I could always sit down and take my mind off things, sometimes for an hour or two looking for specific pieces. (Didn't use that this time, but I have before when I tried to stop the pills).

    I am thrilled you are going ahead!
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  17. #47
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Thank you Cat!!

    I have most of the things from the Thomas recipe and a few things of my own. I have some Voltaren gel (for leg cramps) and I have trazadone. Both my scripts. I hardly ever take the trazadone. My psych prescribed it when I was titrating off Xanax- for anxiety and to help me sleep.

    So today I jump.

    As much as I dread this, I'm actually looking forward to it, too. Remind me I said that when I start whining. I'm looking forward to it cuz I know the acute suffering will be done and over. Tapering is a great start but if you're like me you won't be able stand it for very long. So instead of giving in and likely relapsing I'm choosing to end this now.

    I believe getting mentally prepared is half the battle. And being almost to the point of anger over the slavery of addiction is a plus. And the anger will hopefully propel me forward in this. I wanna beat it and start over new. I want the memory of this to linger and be the first thing that pops in my head when the future cravings come. I so remember the agony of trying to quit Xanax ct. That was scary and the thought of it keeps me honest to myself. I "had" to taper off it because of the seizure risk, but I did it (had some slips but I won). I know I won cuz when I put mom into the nursing home they told me to keep her meds and she had some left (along with hydros and morphine) and I haven't even felt a pull to get into any of it. And I won't because that's what my sisters did and I refuse to do that sort of thing. Yes I know mom is in the home and she'd never know, but I would know and I can't handle anymore guilt.

    Whatever works right? And I still have my own Percs. I thought about flushing them but I can't. I need to have them in my possession until I see my doc on the 19th. I want him to see I beat this and maybe he won't fire me. I don't want narcs but I do need him to burn my nerves for me periodically. That's my plan anyway, but if I slip, into the toilet they go and whatever happens with doc is just going to have to happen. I can't afford to blow this.

    And I'll win the battle with Percs. It won't be a cake walk, but I will win and I will know that "I" chose to beat this. I am controlling this, no one else. That's how I want to start life anew-with the knowledge that I can control my choices. I may not be able to control everything I face but I can control my choice with regard to using. I'm setting my first boundary in my new life. Failure is not an option.

    So today I do this. Like the caterpillar I'm going into a cocoon and when I break free I'll have shiny new wings. Let's do this!

  18. #48
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Thank you Catherine !!

    I'm gonna stop by hobby lobby in my way home today and grab a puzzle, coloring books, and a few paint canvases. I love to paint but haven't in years. That should have been a clue something was wrong.

    So grateful to have everyone's support in this. I find that I'm hanging onto you guys and this forum like a struggling swimmer clings to a life ring. There is one other friend who know about this (college friend who lives in Palo Alto CA). She was the first one to shoot straight with me and tell I had a problem (in dec of 2012). But neither she nor my friend in Denver fully understand addiction. They are very supportive but I need the support of others who are going thru it or who have gone thru it.

    Thank you to everyone here, posters and lurkers. You guys are what's gonna help immensely to get thru this.

  19. #49
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Thank you Catherine !!

    I'm gonna stop by hobby lobby in my way home today and grab a puzzle, coloring books, and a few paint canvases. I love to paint but haven't in years. That should have been a clue something was wrong.

    So grateful to have everyone's support in this. I find that I'm hanging onto you guys and this forum like a struggling swimmer clings to a life ring. There is one other friend who know about this (college friend who lives in Palo Alto CA). She was the first one to shoot straight with me and tell I had a problem (in dec of 2012). But neither she nor my friend in Denver fully understand addiction. They are very supportive but I need the support of others who are going thru it or who have gone thru it.

    Thank you to everyone here, posters and lurkers. You guys are what's gonna help immensely to get thru this.

  20. #50
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Gracie,

    Good for you! I agree and I say it all the time---get excited! You are embarking on a difficult but exciting new journey and the destination is heaven on earth. After many, many attempts to get clean with the wrong attitude, "ugh...I gotta do this" I was setting myself for failure. Once I became excited, decided this was doable (this Forum gave me the inspiration, by the way). I finally was able to see that getting clean and staying that way could be done and soon that would be me!!! Bring it on! Wasn't the most joyous ride, but so worth it. Did my excitement wane over those 5 days. Sometimes. What never wavered was my resolve. That was set in stone and I gotta tell you, I was tested. Then again, I think we all are but the important thing is to look at it just as that. Just a test and the more we learn, the easier the tests get.

    You rock!

    Peace,

    Cat

  21. #51
    HarrySmooth is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey Gracie,
    Super CONGRADS to you for making the choice to go CLEAN! I was on 10-15 30mg Oxys a DAY, and have been struggling with my addiction for years! Ive been clean several times, for months at a time, but sadly I relapse every time. For me, I relapse sometimes because Im sick & Tired of the Insomnia and EPIC RLS that I get....other times I miss the ENERGY the pills give me....but for whatever reason I relapse THIS time has got to be the LAST! At $30/pill I cat keep going on like this.....ive just about run my business into the ground with this addiction....I tried tapering, but didnt work so good for me, knowing I HAD comfort and release within reach. Best luck Ive had is on Suboxone....right now I am on week 2, and on 2.25mg/day. You can go back and read some of my old threads and see the troubles Ive been thru with Insomnia and that Dad Burned RLS! UGH.....My RLS is LEGENDARY...sometimes effecting my entire Body! But for some reason this time its not soo bad.....dont know whats different...maybe my mindset....I dunno, but I hope I continue to sleep and avoid that RLS..'...
    Best of Luck to you Gracie! You sound like one tough Cookie, and with the help of all these Wonderful people youve met here, Im SURE your gonna come thru this JUST fine!
    Stay the Course Honey....this isnt a race! All ya gotta do is reach the Finish Line!!!!!
    Harry
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  22. #52
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    What a wonderful post Harry. Thank you so much! I know all to well about RLS affecting the whole body. It does mine, too. I've spilled more than one cup of coffee due to arm and hand jerks. My leg cramps get so bad they drive me from bed. My toes curl under and I have to stand or walk it out. So I know exactly what you mean.

    Congrats to you, too on kicking this. That was a lot of pills you took. I hope the subs help you. I'll def check out your threads. I bet I've already read some of them and just know that the threads I've read have been instrumental in getting me to where I am now.

    Well I'm here at the nursing home for the planning meeting and to see mom. Took my dose. And away we go!
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  23. #53
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Trying to stay pumped for this. Normal withdrawal like I've had for the last 5 days right now. I'm good. Grabbed some ensure and pedialyte while I was out. Got my coloring books!

    Didn't say anything to mom other than "I think my cold is about to get worse." I hate lying, but she bought it.

    Have everything I need for the next five days. Feel like i went shopping for an incoming hurricane. lol. No food that has to be prepared. Bought a lb of cooked mojo pork and some steable microwave veggies, soup, microwave meals, energy travail mix, more juice and fruit. A carton of cigs - my biggest worry, been smoking myself silly. Got some netflix movies ordered. Got vitamins, Gatorade, Imodium and most of the things from the Thomas recipe. I think I'm ready.

    Glad I got home when I did. Fatigue already setting in, as is the jitters and queasy tummy. Gonna get worse. I'm taking things one hour at a time. I plan to something different each hour to keep my mind distracted and my hands busy. I'm gonna go get in the hot tub now. I have a feeling I'm gonna be a frequent flyier in there for the next week. good thing it's only steps from my patio - it'll make it easier in the middle of the night.

    I'll post later again later - haha - prolly the first of a gazillion over the next few days.

  24. #54
    melindau is offline Member
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    HiGracie
    I read your last post and it made me smile...when you go thru this it will be horrible but when you get thru it...It will be the best thing in your life! Thank you for letting me be a part of that!!! Let's get this done!!!
    I got people coming in from Seattle tomorrow...But I will be checking on you!!!! you can count on that!!!
    Melinda

  25. #55
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Gracie....

    Lol on the hurricane preparedness.......I absolutely LOVE your approach.....it's genius. Just gonna ride it out....kudos to you......I'm gonna read my friend your postings.....I think it is what is gonna get to her.....listening to someone else going through this, but like Catherine said.....she was sicker with the virus, which anyone can get.....especially on cruises!

    Catherine......You are awesome. Great observations and comments......thought provoking. I did jigsaws when I was getting clean last year. Always picked 'Jan Wooster Scott' (I think that was her name)...great seaside scenes during the turn of the century....Americana......not this past century turn.

    Cat.......Insightful. You are amazingly insightful. I love to read your posts.

    Harry.....you are just the nicest, quirky thing

    and Melinda......an angel to me last year....and you never knew

    Sounds like a great cheering section, Gracie.......carry on!
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  26. #56
    HarrySmooth is offline Advanced Member
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    Oh GAWD Gracie....Now you sound like ME!!!! LOL I own my own business and only work Thurs, Fri & Sat..and I ALWAYS plan my Detox, (yes...been thru this %$^&&several times) around my 4 days off, and ALWAYS ALWAYS have my "poop in One Sack" so to speak! LOL....Food that doesnt have to be cooked bought, Movies/Shows recorded and ready, Dogfood\cat food bought....and my Thomas Recipe stuff ready...lol so there aint NO WAY I gotta leave the house or even Open the Curtains for that matter LLOL......
    Quote Originally Posted by Gracie111 View Post
    Trying to stay pumped for this. Normal withdrawal like I've had for the last 5 days right now. I'm good. Grabbed some ensure and pedialyte while I was out. Got my coloring books!

    Didn't say anything to mom other than "I think my cold is about to get worse." I hate lying, but she bought it.

    Have everything I need for the next five days. Feel like i went shopping for an incoming hurricane. lol. No food that has to be prepared. Bought a lb of cooked mojo pork and some steable microwave veggies, soup, microwave meals, energy travail mix, more juice and fruit. A carton of cigs - my biggest worry, been smoking myself silly. Got some netflix movies ordered. Got vitamins, Gatorade, Imodium and most of the things from the Thomas recipe. I think I'm ready.

    Glad I got home when I did. Fatigue already setting in, as is the jitters and queasy tummy. Gonna get worse. I'm taking things one hour at a time. I plan to something different each hour to keep my mind distracted and my hands busy. I'm gonna go get in the hot tub now. I have a feeling I'm gonna be a frequent flyier in there for the next week. good thing it's only steps from my patio - it'll make it easier in the middle of the night.

    I'll post later again later - haha - prolly the first of a gazillion over the next few days.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-09-2014 at 05:53 PM. Reason: SP
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  27. #57
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    An hour past when I usually take my evening dose. So far so good. Got a headache. Just took some aspirin (only thing that works for me). The hot tub helped my aches, but now they're back. I keep telling myself "this ain't nothing Gracie, day 3 & 4 are the toughest." Once I reach those I"ll focus on day 5. Kinda holding breath right now.

    Thank you silverlining. If my tale helps anyone I'd be honored. I'll let ya know if I find a flaw in my plan.

    Thanks Melinda! I can everyone's presence. Amazing how much it helps. I have friends in Seattle. Go Hawks!

    Too funny Harry! We're 2 peas in a far out trippy pod. lol. Though Idid make a mental note of the fact that even though I feel like "my" obsession to control everything is unrealistic, here I am going full on control freak over planning this detox. Haha. Oh well. Ill fix that next.

  28. #58
    melindau is offline Member
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    Hi Gracie
    yeah!!! I got to admit the hawks were great last year..Ha Ha I was the only seahawks fan here in Texas and with in the first two minutes everyone here was like WHAT is going on!!! Ha Ha!!!! It was so much fun!!!I had a party here at my house and it was funny!!!! so glad your doing good!
    Melinda

  29. #59
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    No sleep yet. Staring at the ceiling. And yawning. Got up and took another trazadone. I'm allowed 300 mg a night. I may have to start taking it all at once. Lack of sleep is a bummer. Dread it and the fatigue the most, now anyway.

    My nose is stopped up and I'm nauseous. And my headache is back. Really starting to set in. Like a slow but steady flow of lava. Ya know that ole saying, "a possum ran over my grave?" I've had a couple of those shivers tonight. No leg jerks yet. Not really achy either. My head just feels like it's heavy and tight.

    Not unbearable, just uncomfortable. And I ate too much trail mix. lol. Got a feeling that's gonna come back and bite me in the morning. I wonder if I should start Imodium now or wait. Gosh I'm tired. Gonna try again to sleep.

  30. #60
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Hanging in there Melinda!!

    I love football!!!!
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