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Oxycodone withdrawal - Help please
  1. #121
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Didn't go shopping yesterday. Too tired. I'll get there. Slept for 9 hours. Yes! Lower back pain this morning. Stupid S1 disc. This is where i would have run for the pill bottle. I'm so frustrated. This kind of pain is what landed me in trouble. It's easy to say I'd rather deal with the pain, until that pain is upon you. Trying not to focus on it. I've tried drugs like lyrica and gabapentin to no avail. I've never tried acupuncture. Guess I will now. Gonna get in the hot tub in a few minutes.

    Just thinking out loud here. I don't want anything to control me. Not pills, and not this pain. I will not get sucked into the abyss of pain again. I will find a regime that helps. I have to focus my determination on that. I don't move enough. There's a yoga place nearby. Tomorrow I call. Time to start this new life. A better me. No more wallowing. Time to be proactive and not passive about the pain. It's gonna be hard - pills have left me quite sedentary. I never admitted that before, but it's time. I never go anywhere or do anything. I've holed myself up in my house, avoiding people, avoiding life. I feel like a puppy on his first trip down a set of stairs.

    I'm scared. But I need to be as aggressive with this as I was with detox. I know that. I won't heal unless I do this. Lots of reflecting right now. For years I used the pain as an excuse, and the pills to cope. I can't do that anymore. The problem is is in my head. Have to change my thinking to change my behavior.

    Learned behavior. I remember that from college (I have a PhD in education). In spite of all I know about cognition and educational psych, I let this happen to myself. What a goose. I lost my ambition and my drive. I used to be a real go getter. I want to find that internal drive again. I feel right now like I have a hangover from being on a 10 yr drunk.

    Baby steps. I have to take baby steps. I wanna rush headlong in, but I'll screw up if I do. I'll start with yoga. Focus on the physical while I ponder the mental. My head needs to be clear so that I know my thinking is clear. So one baby decision at a time. Yoga first.

    30 minutes later...My back is easing up. I took 2 aspirin. Wow. That's blowing me away.

    Looked at myself in the mirror. I do think my eyes are brighter. And my complexion seems better. Rosier. I think it might have been grayish before??? Was I really pale? My face doesn't look as blank anymore - hard to explain.

    Ok. I'm procrastinating. Time to start the day.

  2. #122
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Gracie, I was going to say baby steps but you got there yourself. You will do this. You have to! I need you!

    Yoga is definitely helpful; my CDA sponsor swears by it for her back pain. In a book I am reading it says that the "only thing that can subdue a habit is another habit" the idea being of course is to form new and better habits. IMHO it takes two weeks to "train" yourself, which is why I am determined to go to the mall EVERY morning until I would miss it if I didn't go. (9 more days to go to equal two weeks)

    They have a hot tub at my gym; why am I not there?

    Procrastinating is a habit. I ain't great at subduing that one yet, but I try to remember an analogy: "Does the fly decide to fly? ...or does it jump and then start flapping its wings?" I am trying to jump first and think later. Out of bed as soon as I start ruminating.

    I'll be back later...
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  3. #123
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    You nailed it Catherine. Habit is normal. Choosing habits is where it's at. Like your mall walking. You're actively choosing to do it. I'll have to make myself change my ways (habits) and that's gonna involve not procrastinating about the healthy habits I want. 2 weeks to form a good habit - yep, I remember that. I used that rule when I taught about study habits. I'd slipped my mind. Thank you!

    I made myself walk a little ways on the beach today. OMG that was hard. I had to sit down twice due to fatigue - Found unoccupied chairs. I did it though.

    Lots of things I want to do. Teach again, get involved in animal rescue. But first I want to travel a bit. Go visit friends. That would be cool. I just have to set it in motion. And that's where I usually make excuses. No more excuses.

    I have to get through this fatigue. And that means moving.

  4. #124
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Do keep moving Gracie! I am shocked at how fast vitality returns, really, although I know that when I was where you are it seemed to me that I was going to feel that lethargy and lack of motivation forever.

    Going back to teaching is a great idea and so is animal rescue. Before I fell into this mess I was walking dogs at the SPCA (I figure that an hour's walk is at least one hour of pleasure for those poor animals). I am going to try to get back to that later this week. My first thought was: "Oh I should do that today!" Well, part of recovery I think is "focus". I have paperwork to do today for my Doctor's appointment tomorrow, + my usual AA meeting at noon where I make coffee, and then my evening routine of reading, piano playing, and dinner. I have to remember to not destroy a working structure by trying to take on too much.

    Also, going to visit friends is a great idea. I have been re-connecting and the lights are coming back on in my house of friendships. That's an apt analogy; I feel that is what my life is like now: the lights are coming back on.

  5. #125
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Good Morning Gracie,

    Just checking in on you. Hope you had a peaceful night. Kinda figure sleep was elusive but hope it was comfortable anyway but maybe you did get a bit of sleep. Fingers crossed.

    It'll take a few more days to get your sea legs back, it did for me anyway. That walk to and from the beach is perfect, even with frequent stops along the way. It's honestly the best way to begin to rebuild your strength. Detox wrecks havoc with our bodies if you think about it. It's kinda like the first days after having a horrendous flu. You feel better but weak as a baby and it's only after a couple of days of working at it you begin to grow stronger physically. Try to have a cup of coffee (if you drink it) and a nice shower. This would be the time I'd take a minute to check out and enjoy my eyes and make my daily promise not to use today. At first, that would require a brief break. Then I'd get to doing something, anything. Might be as simple as the dishes and a half-azzed vacuuming. Walk the driveway....anything. Repeat often. Eat healthy in small amounts but frequent intervals. Drink, drink, drink (as in hydrate, not booze ).

    She's on board....Yahooooo! Hold on tight, the ship is sometimes rocky.

    Peace,

    Cat

  6. #126
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    Gracie,

    Your post had the most profound effect on me in so many ways... tears flowing. I could've written this myself. I lost my big sister to drugs. I am repeating history. Something I never thought would happen. I'm 5 days clean. I pray to everything Holy that I'm strong enough to continue. I think what's gotten me this far is my loss and I believe your loss will drive you as well. You can do this!

  7. #127
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Bad timing... I'm so sorry about your sister. It's devastating lose someone to drugs. Then to follow that path path yourself can really do a number on you. I'm so happy for you on your 5 days clean. We can't go back and change the past. All we can do I think is to move forward. I sure don't have any answers when it comes dealing with situations like yours and mine, but I'm searching. I pray we both find peace. A good start is our sobriety. Of that I'm certain.

  8. #128
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Day 6 for me everyone!!
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  9. #129
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    Congrats on your day 6! As of 10 minutes ago, I got my 6 day mark too. Feels great. Some lingering effects, but I honestly think they're contributed from my MS.
    Are you still on a regime? What do you take, I'd anything as of day 6
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  10. #130
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Yay Gracie!! You too bad-timing-need help Feels great doesn't it.
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  11. #131
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Nicely done, Gracie.

    How you doing. Check in. We're missing you! Are you out there on the beach in a bikini sunbathing and surfing. Yeah. That's gotta be it.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  12. #132
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Hey Cat!! I'm here. A little scattered but here. Gonna walk on the beach in a few.

    Bad-timing - At the moment I'm not on a regime, unless fatigue is a regime. lol. I'm gonna sign up for classes today. I need to start venturing out and living again. And I need exercise so that's my starting point. Think I'll start small. Exercise a few times a week. And animal rescue. I'm gonna go by the humane society today too. I don't have pets. I lost my beloved Jack Russell in 2012. Her name was Ivey - named her after hurricane Ivan (she was a rescue from a puppy mill). I miss her SO VERY MUCH.

    Restless last night. My lungs are killing me. Once I get a handle on all this I'm going after my tobacco addiction. I swear by the time I'm 52 I'll be free of them too! Crazy how many things we get addicted to. Drugs, money, sex, video games... Chocolate. I have a friend that's addicted to body building. Seriously. I wanna be hooked on life - enjoying it. I got a long way to go. Can't get in a hurry.

    I cleaned house yesterday. It was a mess after five days of doing nothing to it. Because of fatigue it took most of the day to do it. Little spurts here and there. Saw my mom. She's settling in good at the home. I'm so relieved. When my dad died she became totally dependent on me. Nearly killed me. I love her so in took care of her. She has dementia and bad bones. But I just couldn't be a 24/7 caregiver. She has her own issues stemming from an alcoholic father and from taking care of my terminal father and my baby sis (epilepsy and drug use). It's sad to see what it's done to her. She's beginning to realize the toll it all took on her and she cries a lot. I'm almost glad her memory is failing.

    My life the last 8 yrs has been caregiving. First dad, then mom. I'd do it all over in a heartbeat, but it's been hard doing it alone. My sisters never helped. They were too far gone in their addiction to be useful. I usually ran them off anyway cuz they saw mom and dad as a pill dispensary. Still can't fathom the things that went on. Hollywood couldn't come up with better twists and turns. My mind is so tired from everything.

    I made a lot of mistakes. With them, and myself. Can't go back. I can learn from my mistakes though. That's what I'm trying to do, lest I repeat them. And I almost did. Got wrapped up with a new friend here (needy-I'm a magnet). She doesn't have a drug problem. She's bipolar, on lithium. Man she's in a bad way. Classic symptoms of paranoia, and impulses she can't control- financial and sexual. And she refuses to take her meds (drives me nuts). She helped me when I moved here a year ago. Met her on Facebook. I don't talk to her much anymore (broke daily contact back in July). She called yesterday. She has jury duty! Can you believe it? No way she should be on a jury. Amazing how clearly I can see now. She told me she found a guy on the net and was dating him. Turned out he was married. She went spastic. I listened and tried to offer advice but she's not hearing anything. I can't help her. She won't help herself. She's seeing different men every night now. She's running in circles. Breaks my heart but I have to keep her at arm's length for my own sanity. Boundaries. So important.
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  13. #133
    UTTAD is offline Member
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    GRacie - YOU rock! So happy for you :-). Keep it up and just keep looking forward - a CLEAN slate! mwah!
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  14. #134
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Morning, Gracie.....

    One week? Awesome.

    I hear you on the cigs......ugh.....still my nasty habit.

    I know as you move on, you have a lot of buried burdens.......don't be hard on yourself. Everyone is responsible for their lives. You owned up to your demon, and beat it, and everyone has the same choice.

    You can't save everyone.

    My friend I'm helping is your age......she is still caretaker for her very needy, alcoholic mother. She was there for everyone in her family.....the strong one.....the capable one.....she was the glue to a dysfunctional family.

    After a couple surgeries, she found (albeit false) that 'well-being' to deal with everything in a percocet. Which led to oxy off the streets.

    Her guilt is tremendous. Keep posting your thoughts and progress as long as you can, because they help me to help her......as you both think alike.

    God bless you, Gracie.

    PS.......from your location, and you listed some food you picked up before detoxing.....Publix has a new turkey salad out....'Turkey Club Salad'.......on toasted bread....OMG......delish!
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  15. #135
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    You're so right About not being able save everyone Silver. For years I took on the role of savior when it came to my family. Tried to save both my sisters from the life they led. They always came to me when they were in trouble. Usually money. Between the two they divested me of over 30k. Everything with them was crisis management. They either needed gas money for the doctor, food, or utilities, or the we're battling some other crisis like the law. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I was so blinded by my sense of duty that I turned a blind eye to all the lies and trickery. I never held them accountable. The sad truth of it all was my sisters were always handed things by my dad. Why work and be responsible when daddy ( or me) was there. They never grew up, and because of drug use they never learned to think like an adult. Hard to explain.

    I never knew how bad it was until I moved back home after my husband's death. So in I walked, clueless, and man they chewed me to pieces. They lived in squalor, I didn't. So naturally, being college educated I thought I could fix it. Helped them do paperwork for jobs, state assistance, etc, but they wouldn't follow thru. In the end I realized they didn't want help, not the kind of help I was trying to provide. They had no intention of changing their drug use behavior. Because of that nothing in their lives could really be fixed and as a result the only thing they really wanted was money. What a frikkin mess. By the time I broke free I felt like a losing boxer who had just went 9 rounds in the ring. I threw in the towel.

    Then I move here and make a friend and it turns out she's bipolar with issues and she starts clinging to me like they did. And I tried to help. Am I a glutton for punishment? I had to break free.

    You can't save everyone is right. I think your friend and I truly do have a lot in common. And my mother is needy too. The totality of everything is why I'm working on boundaries. I need to learn the limits of what I can and can't do to help. I have to focus on me and my life now. I have to take off the mantle of fixer for everyone else's problems and work on my own. I know that sounds selfish but I've given up 10 yrs of my life to "help" and nothing I did really helped at all. So I'm choosing to help the one person who I know can be saved: me.

    I go see my therapist this morning. I'm going to tell her about my addiction. I think that's the missing piece to me getting better and getting some use out of therapy. Truthfully, I get more help here. 9 days clean now!! Still tired but I'm getting a little energy back now.

    The past few days have been rough. Seeing a lot of things from a new perspective and it's hard not to look back and get bogged down by the guilt. Coulda shoulda woulda kind of stuff. Lots of sadness. I'm trying to look at it clinically. Yes it was sad. But I can't stay there. I have to move forward and take from it the lessons I need to. And I need to be grateful. Grateful that I can save me.

  16. #136
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Oh yeah - thanks for the turkey salad tip Silver ! Guess what I'm having for lunch.

  17. #137
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Gracie, thanks for posting in such detail. Amazing how similar these journeys become. You said:

    " You can't save everyone is right. I think your friend and I truly do have a lot in common. And my mother is needy too. The totality of everything is why I'm working on boundaries. I need to learn the limits of what I can and can't do to help. I have to focus on me and my life now. I have to take off the mantle of fixer for everyone else's problems and work on my own. I know that sounds selfish but I've given up 10 yrs of my life to "help" and nothing I did really helped at all. So I'm choosing to help the one person who I know can be saved: me. "

    So true. I am feeling very "selfish" now because I don't want to lose "me" again, and I know that I am still on fragile footing. I am feeling very bad about ending my AA sponsor relationship, but she is so toxic to me, and I just can't afford it now. I do have the CDA sponsor, and she is a much better fit: insightful, caring, and helping me move forward without slash and burn strategies.

    You do not need this "friend" in your life; I really think it is time to change "people, places, and things" (to borrow from AA). I am doing a lot of this and it is great to hear that you are too, my new friend!
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  18. #138
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Life is funny.

    After a year of being clean, I got on the forum to post my friend's progress during detox. I lurked the previous times when I was going through this process, as I was so eaten up with guilt, I could not post.

    Please bear with me, here, as I need to give some background. I'll try to be succinct.

    I've always done what was expected. From a very young age. I raised 2 children, on my own, picked up the slack whenever needed. Looking back, I always attracted needy people, and I think I liked it, because I had the upper hand.

    I had some major changes around the age of 50. I dealt with them and moved on. These were economy based changes, due to the housing bubble burst.....ruined my life plan.

    Moved to a town, I had lived before, because my best friend, at that time, had a good opportunity. I jumped on it and still am doing that job.....six years later.

    I met another businesswoman......5 years younger.....but more in control than anyone I had ever met. We immediately bonded, as we were so superior. Maybe in my mind I thought.....hmmmm, now I don't have to do everything. We had a good 2 year run. I had more fun than I had ever had in my life. But, from a surgery, she got on percs. It didn't bother me, as, even though my sister had fallen into addiction, I never had a problem.

    But, then, the percs weren't strong enough, so she found out about these little blue oxy pills...no aspirin filler....straight stuff. One night she gave me 1/4 of a pill. Wow. I danced. I don't normally dance.

    Fast forward a couple more years.....I am now snorting 4-5 daily just to keep up. I realize it has to stop. I find this forum.....and after two attempts, I stop. I realize how sickly friend has become and haul her to the hospital. Jaundiced. After a 2 month stay in hospital/rehab......she's out....more like her old self and we decide I will move in to help with needy mom and expenses.....as those little blue pills went from 15$ to 25$....and she has blown through most of her savings.

    Things are good for a couple months......but, just one will help me get a lot done. Boom. We are back in. But, I finally grasp that I have to be done, and that was my 3rd attempt. Friend kept on.

    So, here I sit, a year later, totally exhausted from trying to keep this house up, keep things running smooth, and her supplier goes out of town, and she has no choice now.

    So, I get back on this forum for encouragement, and to re-acquaint myself with the Thomas Recipe. I see some old names that are still around helping out. Think how wonderful they are, and I start to post and want to see everyone succeed.

    Funny part is, the ones I thought I was helping, are helping me.....Gracie and Catherine are beating this, and moving on like they should. Cat did it! I think it was Cat that posted about the frozen rocks and her grandkids.....oh, I loved that. I have 4 grands, I need to spend more time with them, they are all precious.

    I love being here to help encourage others, but it is now turning to your journeys 'after' the detox are inspiring me to clean up my 'clean' life.

    Good job to both of you, Gracie and Catherine. I won't abandon my friend,but, I told her last night, I can't do this anymore.

    I think it might have to do with the guilt of not helping my sister enough.....maybe I felt I needed to atone for that. Just stuff I put off, that I now need to tackle.

    Geez, what a windbag.....so much for succinct......lol.....but, it felt good to write it out.

  19. #139
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Catherine. I know what you mean about your AA sponsor. Our need for a certain person in terms of support sometimes changes. Sounds like maybe at this point in the game, for you, your AA sponsor isn't a good fit. Doesn't mean she won't be later. I'm glad you have your CDA sponsor. So important to have that person you can call.

    I went to see my therapist today. It went well. Turns out she suspected I might be having problems with pain pills. She said I'd been taking them for so long that she expected it. Don't know what to think about that. She never asked me about it. Anyway, she told me (as we know) that fatigue is normal. As is depression My thyroid (under active) has caused me depression for years and of late I've been having a rough time.

    I feel better after having told her everything. She didn't judge at all. Hardly batted an eye. Has it become that commonplace in society?? I'll stay with her, for a while anyway. One more sounding board can't hurt.

    Silver I loved what you wrote. Very succinct. That's a hard position to be in. Only you will know when to say enough is enough. You can't keep up the pace for very long. Other areas of your life will suffer. You will suffer. If she doesn't have her heart and head in the right place I have to wonder how long this will go on with her. I'm sure she wants to, but how badly does she want to? Is this just a way to get through the absence of the supplier? She needs to ask herself the same questions. I'm happy you told her you couldn't do this anymore. That's a sign that you recognize the issues here. Boundaries my dear, boundaries. Now… if I could just practice what I preach.

  20. #140
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Sounds like you probably have a good therapist Gracie! Any therapist who can't see we are having these problems probably is not worth their salt. (Where did that expression come from?)

    The call to the AA sponsor was a non-event. I think we are both relieved to back off the relationship. It became apparent, I believe, that I wasn't going to be listening to her on several issues, and that is not good for her self-esteem either. Will we remain "friends"? IDK, but at this point I am willing to sacrifice anyone to maintain my sobriety. My life is so full right now with new, very helpful people, that it is looking very "fresh" compared to the staleness of my life before.

    How's the exercise going? About to go off on my walk. Going to try to take my cell with me and listen to some language/music.

  21. #141
    UTTAD is offline Member
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    Gracie, Just popping in to say I am soooo proud of you! You give us all hope:-)

  22. #142
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Catherine, I'm glad the AA sponsor convo went well. I hope the friendship remains. Your attitude is wonderful. New people places and things. I love it. I think the salt comment refers to the value associated with the salt content I'm our body. Language tapes are awesome.my masters is in French, and i did the coursework in Paris. Spent a year there. It rocked!!

    Depression is kicking my rear. Depression is an evil demon, one I've battled all my life. Doc says I may always battle it due to my thyroid. It's so bad right now that I count the tasks of getting out of bed and showering as an accomplishment. I'm back to ground zero with it. It's a long hard climb out of this pit. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. Motivation is hard to come by right now. It's so hard to explain.

    I have 3 months of mail I haven't opened and I have to screen my calls cuz I can't answer the phone. I feel like my mind is holding me prisoner. I was hoping after detox I'd bounce back, but it's not happening. I hate this.

  23. #143
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Gosh, Gracie.....

    You are clean now for 9 days. It will still take a little time for your brain to heal.

    Fortunately, you live right on the water.......take longs walks on the beach and breathe in that salt air. You don't have to get to that mail right now........or maybe set a goal to open 5 letters a day. Or throw it all out and start over today. Just start opening the mail each day, as it comes.

    I never really battled depression, but I have seen what it can do to people. I have read that yoga is good for the mind.....did you sign up for that class? New habits.

    I think everyone would benefit from living in another country. I spent 6 months in the midlands of the UK....that was a wonderful experience. We are very spoiled in the US. To this day I get pissed when people are standing in line at the grocery, the clerk is overworked, and they just stand there waiting for him/her to pack their items in bags........just pack your own bags, lazy. In England, no one would expect that kind of service.....well, maybe things have changed, but in 1991, everyone packed their own. I know that's stupid, but it just bugs me people expect so much.

    Go easy on yourself, Gracie....you don't have to be new and improved in a week. Ease into it.
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  24. #144
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Gracie,

    It takes time but your mind will heal as well. One foot in front of the other. I think I remember that you posted that you don't really have anyone there for you. Well, I'm just saying you gotta do something about that. Go somewhere where there are people and even if you are uncomfortable at first, make some friends or at least some acquaintances. I have truly found that laughter is absolutely the best medicine of all. I KNOW that without finding the people that can have me laughing until I cry, I would be living much the same life I had been for many years. Alone, depressed, and using. These folks pull me off the ledge and they don't even know it! I found them in places that I would never have expected. The grocery store for instance. I reconnected with friends I had let go but are now back in my life. It takes work, especially at first but now I relish in it.

    Being alone is not good for anyone and most certainly not for an addict. That's a place we put ourselves when using and a place that we have to figure out how to get out of.

    Congrats on your progress. Keep it up.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-18-2014 at 09:04 AM.
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  25. #145
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Good advice above, Gracie. It takes time. At Day 9 I think I was in a pretty bad space...

    Re: depression. I am sure some of that is from the lingering effects of the drug, but I also have to say that things like piles of mail don't help. Take silver's advice and open 5 letters a day. To unburden myself I am going through years of taxes, medical bills, etc. Paper mail? No problem. Email was nagging at me; so much un-answered stuff. So I deleted it all 1400+ emails. I wish I had a few things back, but not really. New life, new messes, maybe addressed one day at a time.

    Paris? My godson is there. Years (many) ago I lived on the Place de la Contrescarp, Rue Moufftard. Wonderful.
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  26. #146
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi Gracie I have read your thread and want to say Congratulations you are one strong woman... detox sux. I have detoxed from pills a few times. Now I am tapering off of suboxone after a long time on methadone .
    I loved reading your thread and the input from Cat and Catherine. We all have so much in common.. As recovering woman it is time to focus on our own lives.. All the drama from all the people we have invested so much of ourselves in was just a distraction and a way to avoid the issues in our own lives. Now is our time to Rock! I love that we are learning how to live in the present. So many "normal" people never get to learn that... What else do we really have?
    My dad lives in a skilled nursing home and has dementia too.. It is hard to see them age.. If nothing else watching their process shows how time really does fly (except when you are detoxing) lol.
    I started my own thread because I want to find a taper buddy.. After watching you jump I want to do the same .. I am just so afraid...
    Anyway thank you so much for sharing your experience, strength it really gives me hope!

    Keep doing you ! Please keep posting!
    Catherine120813 likes this.

  27. #147
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Catherine, Silver, Cat, and Ilovetosmile, thank you so very much. You guys are so wonderful. Yesterday was a real downer. After reading your posts I feel a lot better, about where I am right now and about myself. I keep forgetting that detox is just the beginning. I'm so anxious inside.

    Silver, I was in Paris in 91/92! I stayed in London a week before heading to France. I really had a blast that year. And I agree, everyone could benefit from a little stay abroad. I personally really like the French culture. And I miss it.

    I signed up for yoga. They have a beginners class on Monday nights. I have big hopes for it. Both physically and emotionally. Breaking out of this bubble I've put myself in isn't going to be easy. The mind is a powerful thing. My grandmother had agoraphobia (?) - she couldn't leave her house. I see myself heading in that direction if I don't break free of isolation. I know I have to be as determined to do this as I was about detoxing. I do believe the drugs have a lot to do with my low point right now. I can't seem to find a happy place and I'm tense all the time.

    Today I'm resolved. I'm going to go through the mail on the kitchen table, and I'm going to get in the hot tub and I'm going for a walk on the beach. I'll have to force myself, and I'm sure that sounds wacky to most, but that's the way of depression. The simplest tasks, even getting out of bed, can be so formidable. This is by far going to be my largest hurdle in this process.

    Catherine I so envy you and your dedication to the mall walk. You are truly an inspiration for me, and I'll be thinking of you today as I walk on the beach. And, I know Rue Moufttard very well!! Small world we all live in huh?

    Cat, you give me hope. I know I can do this. One foot in front of the other, baby steps, and a journey of a 1000 miles starts with one step. That's what yoga is for me. My first step back into the world, clean. I'm going to treat myself to a yoga matt and some exercise clothes this weekend. That'll get me out of the house, too.

    Ilovetosmile, you're so right about it being hard to watch a parent age, especially if they develop dementia/alzheimers. It really gets me down. Mother and I have reversed roles. I'm now the parent and she's the child. I'm feeling my way through the dark with her. I have to find that balance so I can live my life and take care of her at the same time. Right now I'm totally focused on her. Not good. I'm gonna work on that.

    One day at a time, one day at a time.

  28. #148
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Hey Gracie....

    Are the yoga classes on the beach? Where I'm at, they do have beach classes. Once you get some experience with it, that would be kinda cool. When I was in the thick of my pill hey-day, I would see friends posting on facebook about the beach yoga. It made me mad they were so happy, without pills......in fact, I would get mad, or jealous, of a stranger walking on the sidewalk. I was so crippled by my addiction, I actually resented these random people being normal.

    I don't feel that way now, but looking back, I think that's when I really wanted to quit, and not be controlled by the pills.

    Anyway, didn't mean to digress.....I'm trying not to smoke so many cigs in the morning (that's my chain smoking time), so I'm just blabbering to keep busy....lol

    You are doing great!!!!
    Gracie111 likes this.

  29. #149
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    I'm gonna look into the beach yoga Silver. I've always wanted to do that. I think it'd be awesome! I know what you mean about resenting random people for being normal. I've been doing that for a while now. I watch the vacationers here at the condo. They're splashing around in the pool, having fun, and I get very jealous. I moved back here so I could enjoy life again. Now here a year and a half and I'm as miserable as I ever was. But I'm coming to realize now it's not "where" I live, it's "how" I live. Right now I don't have a life. My life is inside my apartment, all day, everyday. The only human contact I have is with check out clerks at the gas station or grocery store. And I hate it. It's so important that I go to these yoga classes. It'll be good for me physically and emotionally.

    And I have to be honest, too. My mind keeps going back to those pills. I'm so happy Cat intervened when she did and that I flushed them, cuz right now I don't think I'd be able to resist. I hate them with a passion, and I'd hate myself if I took one, but if I had them I know in the end I'd take one. The mind is a powerful thing. It can work for you or against you, and controlling which way it works for you I think is the key to getting through the next few weeks. It's a very conscious process. It's like stepping outside yourself and analyzing your life. For me anyway.

    Still feeling pretty down this morning. I didn't even eat supper last night. Bad, I know. I'm going out today for a little retail therapy. I sat here all day yesterday and I'm so sick of it. Even a little walk on the beach didn't help my mood. I'm just going to have to look at this depression as the second leg of getting clean. I don't think I realized how bad it would be. I guess I told myself that once I was detoxed everything would be just peachy. But that's not so. It's only the beginning. I'm going to get through this though. I keep telling myself that this will pass and that I have to get up and get moving. Even if I feel like I'm just going through the motions, eventually the depression will dissipate and I'll feel better.

  30. #150
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    You know Gracie, only a habit can subdue a habit, so the new ones had better be good. I am so glad you are doing the yoga! Re: the mall walk. I don't have any idea how I had the resolve to do the first one, but I just made myself go out the door and the car drove me there. Once at the mall, it seemed silly not to go in; once inside? Well, I might as well walk.

    Today I didn't get there (we will have an active day getting the boat ready for a two-day sail Sunday-Monday). I have to say I missed the mall walk! Yay. It has started to become habit. I hope 3 days off is not going to kill it.

    About that pile of mail. Years ago (when I was more together) I lost quite a bit of weight and got myself in great shape. "How did you do it?" my co-workers asked. "Well," I said, "I reasoned that it takes two weeks to form a new habit. I hate going to the gym, but I needed to, so I set myself the goal of going every day for two weeks. The ONLY rule: I had to show up every day. Just walk through the revolving door, nothing else. But every day. So I did that. Some days it was just through the door, one day I ate at the little health food bar, one day I sat in the lobby and read, one day I got a massage, one day I took a shower there... The manager of the gym finally asked me, after observing 6 days of this: "When are you going to exercise?" Not important," I said, "It is only important that I show up every day."

    This started the best period of fitness for me, ever. At the end of the two weeks I was indeed exercising, and continued to do so for several years until I moved out of NYC. Now, a friend of mine, inspired by this, did not heed the "two-week" rule; she went at it with a vengeance on day 1, day 2 the same, day 3 a little less, day 4, barely made it there, day 5 said: "I'll go tomorrow." She wore herself out.

    Moral of the story: be careful of trying to do too much. That pile of mail. I liked the 5 pieces a day idea. Before you go to bed, pull 5 pieces out to be addressed the next morning. Instead of being "determined" that you are going for a walk, just go to the beach. The yoga class? The same. Just go, tell yourself you can leave if you want. We set ourselves up for failure with excessive goals. I have to do that today myself. I don't really like sailing, in fact I am slightly terrified (not my natural element), but if I break it down into doable units, I might get through the day. I'll report later...

    Glad to see your post; I was concerned about you!
    silverlining1 likes this.

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