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Oxycodone withdrawal - Help please
  1. #1
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Default Oxycodone withdrawal - Help please

    Hi. I'm in trouble. I'm a chronic pain patient-been taking oxycodone (2mg a day) for ten years. In the last 6 months I've ran myself short a few days three times. I've wanted to be free of them for years but my pain was/is too bad. I have to have 8 lumbar nerves burned every 6 months and I've had 2 torn docs and currently have a bulging disc at S1 causing drop foot symptoms.

    Long story short: last month 3 1/2 days before my doc appointment I took a 10/325 hydrocodone - I know, it was stupid. I just wanted to see if a different med would help the pain better. Well, the day I saw the doc he did a random screen. Forensic level urine screen. I know he's gonna discharge me - and I deserve it.

    I've decided to end this thing here and now. I have about 42 10/325 percocets and I want to detox. I tried a few days ago cold turkey and I failed.

    Any advice on how I could taper off, and what to do about the pain (from my back)? I know I won't find another pain mgt doc who will see me. I screwed myself royally. But like I said I've wanted to be free if them for a couple years so maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

    Thanks in advance.

  2. #2
    melindau is offline Member
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    Hi Gracie
    you will really be surprised on how much your pain will diminish after you get off of the drugs! I have fibromyalgia and DDD the pain pills maid my pain so much worse... after I got off of them I got better..Not saying I have no more pain but I can manage it!!! Do this for yourself... you will be so happy that you did!!! I tapered off my drugs and you can do it to!!! keep talking to us so we can help!!!!
    Melinda
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  3. #3
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Thank you Melinda! I hope you're right. I did some reading on the forum last night. Looks like I'm going to be shopping today for some of the things from the Thomas recipe. No time like the present. I'm going to start by cutting my daily dose in half.

    The hardest thing I think will be keeping busy. I'll keep you posted on my progress. Thanks again. I really appreciate your encouraging words.

  4. #4
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    I will second Melinda on the pain thing: I am on day 9 off Hydrocodone and my pain is less than it has been in a long time.

    Do pay attention to the help hot showers can give you (I took several a day) and I kept myself very busy with little tasks (I didn't have much choice-laying in bed I was just too agitated). But the result of the little tasks was a small sense of accomplishment every day, and I have gotten more done in that short period than I have in a long time. You can do this!
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  5. #5
    melindau is offline Member
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    Oh Gracie
    Yes I do have something to tell you about back pain!!! you not going to like it tho.. LOL.. I started this when I was getting clean...it is called 8 minute abs...OMG!!! it works...your back pain will get much easier to handle..I need to start it again myself...It makes a big difference when I stop doing it!!!
    Melinda

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    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Thank you Catherine, and congrats to you on day 9!! So wish I was where you are. I'm already feeling jumpy from the reduction in dose this morning. This ain't gonna be pretty; I can tell. It was hard enough sticking to 2 pills a day.

    I'm getting ready to get in the hot tub. I live in a beach condo on the Gulf of Mexico. The pool and hot tub are a few feet from my patio. I tried to walk on the beach this morning but my pain was too bad. It may sound like heaven but I see already it's turning into hell. Hope I make it.

    Melinda - lol. You made me laugh - thank you!! I cringed at the mention of ab crunches (I was thinking yoga girly), but I've been pacing for an hour or so now - I may give it a try - if I get washboard abs I'll be singing praises to you!

    You're def right - I must find something to do. I've cleaned the apartment. I read about someone who bought a coloring book - maybe I'll do that. Or sort thru photos - been meaning to do that for like 5 years.

    It seems like all I can think about is the dang clock... And my aching leg. I'm not going near that pill bottle for another 5 hours. Can't bear to fail right out of the chute. 5 hours seems like a lifetime. I'm gonna go soak in the jacuzzi now and I'll check back in later.

    Love you guys for being there! Please don't leave me.
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  7. #7
    melindau is offline Member
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    Hi Gracie
    LOL.. you made me laugh right back!! I know what you mean..but I did get down to a size 4 I wish I could say I was still there...I need to walk the walk...another trick I use to do when I was tapering is when it is time for you to take your pill is tell yourself I think I will wait (I use to do ten minutes at a time) 10 more minutes before I take that pill and then when that was up I would tell myself that again...after a while a long time had passed! you can do how ever long you want it can be 2 minutes if you want to start off...we will be here as long as you need us!!! your doing great!!!
    Melinda
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  8. #8
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi Gracie,

    I wrote entire post to you right after your first post and DUH!! Gone. Didn't have time to repost then so here I am now.

    I sure hope that you are getting thru today. I recall the anxiety all too clearly and how each hour seemed like an eternity. Won't lie, the next few days will be challenging but commit yourself and you'll do fine. Make tiny goals in terms of time for yourself. That helped me enormously! I would, in the beginning tell myself to just suck it up for another half hour and then I could reconsider what I was going to do. I did that over and over until I was setting a couple hours, to making a goal of when it would be just too late to make a call and I'd simply have to wait until morning. And again, I'd start in the morning. It really wasn't that long before I got to setting my goal of "one day at a time". It truly works.

    Refuse to lose. That's the attitude that will get you through this and I have to tell you, it was the smartest, kindest thing I have ever done for myself. I too have DDD and sciatica so I really understand what that is all about. I would read here early on how my pain would likely diminish without pills. RIGHT!!??!! Well. It's true! A couple of Aleve or Excedrin and I'm not doing any weight lifting but it's most often not that bad.

    I can assure you that as long as you post, you will have us here to help if we can. Promise.

    Peace,

    Cat

    PS Mel--Do you remember Melinda aka Melinda and Henry? She used to call me "Girly" all the time!!!! Made me smile. I love and miss the both of them.
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  9. #9
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Hi Melinda and Catrina. You guys are great!! Very good advice. I made it til 7pm last night before I took something (refuse to call it medicine anymore). Fitful night - kept waking up but made myself go back to sleep. Don't really feel like I slept.

    I'm going to make myself wait this morning. As long as I can. From what I've been reading I wonder if I'm just prolonging my suffering. I had to wait it out 3 days a few months ago when I ran myself out and lemme tell ya it was bad. I was shaking so bad I could barely drive to the pharmacy. Thank GOD they had a drive thru.

    I know I'm gonna have to go thru it again and I so dread it. I keep telling myself if I do it now before I run out then at least I'm doing it on my terms. Silly right? I'm not making sense. This whole thing has consumed my mind.

    Two months ago I finished titrating off Xanax (under doctor's sup) - took a year to do it but I did it without rehab. I do not want to go to rehab over this now. I feel like I've just lived thru a year of constant withdrawal. It sucked.

    But I WANT to do this. I'm so tired of it all. It makes me cry. I wanna walk into the doc and tell him it doesn't matter if he fires me or keeps me...I'm done and I did it myself. NO MORE NARCS.

    One more hour to go. sigh.

  10. #10
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Gracie,

    You are making perfect sense. That too was my attitude. I'll do this MY way--at least to detox. To stay clean, well--I think we all need all the help we can get and we have to let the ugly secret out and be brave enough to ask for it. Most of us are too proud, too stupid, or simply really uncomfortable with all the above but clearly, if we keep getting it wrong we gotta try another way. For me, it was to get honest with myself first and then HUGE step to out my secret and ask for help. I'll tell you--that was a real biggie for me and soooo worth it!

    Peace,

    Cat

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    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    I made it til 8 am!!!!

    Cat- I think that's a big thing for me, too. How did you tell people?

    I'm so embarrassed. And I DREAD seeing my doc so bad. And then I'll have to face my primary when my pain doc reports me. But I did it to myself and it all seems so stupid now. But like I said its a blessing really. I wanted off.

    I'm so ashamed and unlike other things all you get from this is judged. And I'll have to tell my mother - moms don't miss a beat and unfortunately my mom knows about drugs all too well. My baby sister died from drug abuse. She injected oxy, and morphine when she couldn't get oxy. I tried so hard to save her and feel guilty that I couldn't. She got hold of a morphine sulfate with kadian in it. She was epileptic. Stopped her heart immediately. We found her the next morning.

    I can't believe I've let this happen to me, too. It's gonna kill my mom.

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    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    I was her role model. And the ONE person she hid from. I miss her. Wish I could go back. I'd change everything.

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    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Gracie,

    All I can tell you is recovery is all about baby steps (corny, right?) True though. You don't have to advertise the fact that you are an addict. YOU get to pick and choose who to share this with and it starts with the first person, probably your doctor in your case. I think you are going to be amazed at others' reactions. Yah know, I am in addict--in recovery--but nonetheless an addict. My son is a very active addict. When he let the cat outta the bag to me, I didn't judge. Was I broken hearted? Yep. But not for the reason(s) you think. Mostly, I was broken hearted because he was/is stuck in this awful place. Your Mom will probably be disappointed but I'm betting she'll be more concerned and won't be able to get outta her own way to understand and help you. Moms are just like that.

    Next, do you have a really close friend that you can trust? For me that was #3. With each discussion it became easier to talk about and the support and love I received in return suddenly made me dread the thought of disappointing them. That in itself isn't keeping me clean....that's all me but being accountable is a formidable force. Next, meetings, one on one therapy, group therapy...kindred spirits.

    Embarrassed....OH BOY!! I bet we all know that. We're always hardest on ourselves, I think. Eventually when it's not a dark, ugly secret the people we trusted and have had a front row seat to our recovery, both the good and the bad, are (and should be) inspired. Grateful that we saved ourselves and proud that they may have helped us. If anyone finds out and judges you...well they aren't worth your time or worry in the first place and we learn to let that go. I have other words to describe that but I'm pretty sure the moderators here would delete my post.

    Keep posting. You're doing great.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-05-2014 at 01:07 PM.
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    melindau is offline Member
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    Hi Gracie
    Im sorry about your sister! I know how bad that hurts! I lost my brother from hep C that he got while hitting up drugs! your doing great we are so proud of you!!! try to think about the future and how great it will be when you break free from this!!!
    you dont need to tell anyone if you dont want to...just try to be better than you were yesterday!!! when I got clean.. I wanted to tell everyone what a scumbag my doctor was and my sister that was happy to keep selling me pills...I still get mad at her once in a while she is still happy to keep people in her grips from her vic's...some day karma will catch her...
    hope you are doing well today!!!
    Melinda


    PS Cat...
    yes Girley! I do remember that ...
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  15. #15
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Lol Cat - that was a very PG13 description regarding your thoughts about those who judge . I'm really sorry to hear about your son. It must be so emotional for you. I hope he turns things around. I bet he's proud of you. And this is day 10 for you huh? Awesome!!

    How are you holding up?

    I have a stuffy nose today. Normal I guess. No bathroom issues yet, but my head feels foggy and I'm jumpy as all get out. So far my willpower is good - been reading a lot of forum posts. Very informational and inspiring on many levels. I'm very glad to have found a place and to have great people to talk with.

    I just moved here a year ago. I have a few friends but they wouldn't understand. I'm in this alone - well not really; I have you guys. It's so uplifting to find folks compassionate enough to help others. You guys deserve medals.

    I also have a psych and a therapist - been seeing them for a year. I lost 3 family members in 4 years. Been kinda tough. Haven't told them yet about my problem with Percs. I will when I see my therapist next. They were super supportive when I initially went them a year ago and told them I wanted off Xanax. I'd never have made it without them.

    You're right about judging. I need thicker skin. Gonna hold my head up no matter what. Nobody understands me like me and "I" know I didn't mean for this to happen and "I" am doing something about it.
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    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Gracie,

    I think the 10 days clean is Catherine. I'm Catrina coming up on 5 years at the end of the year! Yahoooo!

    Peace,

    Cat
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  17. #17
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    So so sorry Cat. Guess my muddled mind is worse than I thought. 5 yrs! You go girl!!!

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    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Gracie,

    Catherine (me) is here too, just ending day 10. You are awesome!!

    I subscribed to your thread because I lost it for a while, but know that I will be hanging out with you. The physical part is done, and I had a day? and one good night's sleep, before I started the emotional stuff. Spent all day today whining at everybody. Texting my therapist... Went to an AA meeting which helped, then more whining. Husband I was whining partly about has suddenly turned nice and loving... what's up with that!!? I should just get a dog. They love you no matter what.

    I have been bumping up Cat's thread and reading along, encountering a lot of the same stuff that I am going through; it helps.

    her thread: https://www.drugs.com/forum/need-tal...ney-55400.html
    my thread: https://www.drugs.com/forum/need-tal...ing-66248.html

    See you later. You are going to get this. What did Cat say? Refuse to lose.

  19. #19
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Hi Catherine. Thx for the links - I'll be sure to check them out. So funny about the dog comment. My late husband used to say sometimes he thought I loved the dog more than him. And there were days lemme tell ya. lol

    Sorry you had a crummy day. The emotional part is hard. Wasn't expecting that. Sucks when your mind goes all traitor on ya, huh? Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

    I made it til 7pm tonight. Was shooting for 8 but I caved. Hard day. Pisses me off that my stopped up nose got better an hour after I took my dose. Grrrrrr. Gonna try to be more prepared for this sleigh ride tomorrow.

    Refuse to lose - Cat 's great! Think I'll write those words on the bathroom mirror in lipstick.

    Going to try to sleep now. Thx for hanging out with me. Hope you have a good night!
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  20. #20
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Catherine!! I could just hug you to pieces for the links. Been reading them and not finished yet but wanted to thank you.

    So very proud of you, and Cat.

    So many times while reading I caught my self saying things like, "oh man, me too!" So strange how what you guys were talking about applied to me or was exactly what I was feeling or thinking.

    So I'm not alone. (Tears)

    I don't want to bore you, but I would like to tell you (and other readers) my story. It's the same as everyone's yet different, too. Sorry in advance for the long post.

    My nightmare began in 03 when I had neck surgery (fusion) and then went into pain mgt for lower back trubs (torn discs). I was only looking for pain relief. I ended up on fentanyl 50mcg x 3 days, and 10/325 Percs 3x day. Things went out of control when my husband (Navy Chief) died of a heart attack in 06.

    Went back to my hometown to family to heal. My hometown is a small farm town and rampant with drugs. I walked into a worse nightmare as I found out both my sisters were using all manner of drugs (meth, oxy, morphine, Xanax, and on and on). And my father was terminal - and my sisters were stealing his meds and begging for mine.

    I worried about my baby sis the most. She had graduated to the needle and was out of control. I was so crushed by everything that my doc added Xanax to my meds and before I knew it I was at 1mg 3x day. For 2 years I battled my sisters and helped mom care for dad. All the while not knowing I was in trouble, too. My pain was bad and I started chewing my used patches. Still didn't see that as a problem.

    I was bent on saving my baby sis (only 27 yrs old). Chased her from drug dealer to drug dealer for 2 yrs - ripped needles from her hand, called ambulances regularly for her. In dec 07 I forced her into rehab. She walked out. I flipped. She called me on the phone crying, begging me to understand and I was cold. Yelled at her. Told her to stay out of my life til she was clean. She was dead a few weeks later. That phone call is the last time I spoke to her and the last time I saw her was in the doorway of rehab. She was so broken. And it was my fault.

    I was so wrong!!!!! All the things I understand now and didn't then. I have so much guilt.

    2 yrs later my dad died and the last 4 yrs I've been caring for mom (she's in a nursing home now-dementia). So I have a lot of guilt about many things - more than I'm saying here.

    All the while my abuse continued and I refused to see it. I got off fentanyl a year ago and finally Xanax a few months ago. I relapsed a few months ago and asked my doc for fentanyl again. Told myself it was for pain, but I really wanted cuz I couldn't cope. I missed the feeling that got me thru the day. I still have an unopened box. I haven't touched for weeks. I'm trying to kick the Percs and feel like it'll never happen.

    So that's my sad tale - the short version. The good news is that this morning I made myself wait til I was finished with this post before I take my reduced dose. I told myself 8am and I've managed to wait til now. 8:20am.

    I'm in tears so I'm gonna stop here and do what I don't want to - take a damn pill. And read some more.

  21. #21
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Do you have meetings there? I'm sure you have AA. Go. It will really help. On my thread you will see my morning's experiences...one just never knows. Go see the movie "The Giver" Amazingly wonderful and all about living/not living...life. I cried through the whole movie btw. To a non-addict it probably had a different meaning, but it surely spoke to me.

    You are not responsible for suicide. We just CANNOT prevent people from doing it. Go to this thread: https://www.drugs.com/forum/need-tal...p-56362-5.html start with post #147. He talks about suicide, and I shared my experience. I will never stop wishing I had done something different, but perhaps it was his time.

    I STILL think you are awesome. I could NEVER put off a pill; I always took them early.

  22. #22
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Gracie....

    I can so relate about your mom. I can't bring myself to share with mine, and I've been clean a little over a year. Although, my sis is still here, (we haven't seen her in years, but manage to keep tabs here and there) I have yet to open up to my mom......I do think it would break her heart, and she would blame herself....2 daughters with drug problems? I'll follow your progress, and if you find a good way to open up to your mom....I'll be interested.....but, I'll let you go first....lol

    Just wanted to mention.....you may want to go ahead and start the supplements outlined on the Thomas Recipe.......my final attempt at quitting I had been taking them and it seemed easier.

    Keep up the good work on tapering
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  23. #23
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Hi Catherine. I read your thread. My heart just breaks for you and your situation. You are sooo strong. I admire that. You hang tough - you've come so far. I got a feeling whatever life throws at you that you'll turn it into a home run for yourself. I'm rooting for ya.

    Actually my baby sis didn't commit suicide. She injected a morphine with Kadian. She was epileptic. Kadian is no go for epileptics. Stopped her heart on the spot.

    Didn't know til after her death how much she idolized me and saw me as a parental figure (16 yrs between us). I wasn't there while she was growing up. I left at 18, did the college/corporate gig in the big city. She needed me and tried at the end to reach out to me and I slammed the door in her face. And now here I sit in the same boat. What a pious jacka>>> I was. I could have helped and now can't even tell her I'm sorry.

    I'm okay. Just hurts to think about her.

    Don't know if I'm a 12 step kind of gal. I promise I'll look into it. I do have a therapist. She knows everything except about my opiate addiction. Gonna come clean when I see her in a week and a half. I'm sure she has info on meetings.

    Hope you're having a good day. I'm crampy, stuffy, and very anxious. Yawning my butt off.

    Not so sure about tapering now. I blew it and took a Half pill a little while ago. So hard when you know the pills are there. I looked up rapid detox this morning. I'd wipe out my savings if I went that route. The sensible side of me (what's left of it anyway) says just toss the pills and go for it. For this moment anyway I'm not strong enough. Hoping a streak of bravery hits so that I do it - at least then there'd be no turning back.

    I see myself dragging this thing out for weeks, suffering, slipping, agonizing, and I think, "What's the point really?" Why suffer any longer than need be? I'm such a wuss. Everybody seems stronger than me and I wonder where I'll get the strength.

    I wonder what role soul searching is in the detox process. I sure did a lot when I admitted to myself that I'm addicted. From what I've read a lot of folks do a lot during and while in recovery after detox. Is that what real life is? Pondering ones soul and life itself? I don't like the things I'm dragging out into the light.

    Live in the present. That's what my therapist says. Is that even possible? What does that mean to you - and I'll throw that question to other readers as well. Any insight?

    Silverlining - thanks for saying hi and for the encouraging words. I started the supplements yesterday (minus benzos). I do believe they'll help.

    I can relate to you, too. Try 3 daughters. I was the one everybody lauded cuz I "didn't" have a drug problem. I was the one "who left, went to college, and did something with my life." I was the one everybody in the family turned to when the >>>> hit the fan. I was the one who could fix things. The other 2 sisters were the ones "always in trouble with the law, didn't work, etc." I haven't spoken to my living sister for 2 yrs. She's still using and has no intention of quitting. I never even had the chance to grieve for my husband until now, 8 yrs later.

    Of course that's not true. I never "gave" myself the chance. For whatever reason (still trying to figure that one out) I let my family lean on me until I broke - took on the role of "fixer and caretaker" and put me aside. I could have turned and walked away but I didn't.

    My mom's been thru so much. I don't know how she will react, but I'll let ya know. I'm not the child they think I am - the one they put on that pedestal. I think that fact is harder for me to admit than it will be for her. Hopefully anyway.
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  24. #24
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Wowser! Where do I start.

    Your sister. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with that still. I know what your heart is saying, but what is that intelligent brain telling you? Could anyone fix you? How'd that go? Your sister dying is a tragedy, no doubt about it but there wasn't anything you could do. Please try to forgive yourself. OK. Gotta scroll back up to see what it was that I wanted to say. One minute, please I'll be back in a minute. OK got it, for now.

    There appears to be a commonality among us addicts. I too was put up on that damn pedestal. "The good girl". What a task that is to maintain balance way up there without ever slipping and when we do, COVER IT UP...NO ONE MUST KNOW. Geez. Really???? OK one more minute, sigh. Be right back. Ok got it (again).

    I know for sure that immediately after detox, my mind was racing with regrets, thoughts I hadn't dared thought for years. Lamenting about what a total azz wipe I was, what a loser. How do I get past this? Where is the old me? Will she be back? Last question, the answer is NO but in a perfectly delightful way. I've stopped trying to fix everything and everybody. I have stopped being the magnet for needy people. Of course I'm stuck with some cause they've around for too long and I love them. Aside from the the shop has closed...no more new needy people. Caseload full. Sorry.

    It took me some time and I've learned that I have NO regrets. Today I am strong, independent, and fun. Much like I work my recovery, I work on all of the good traits I have either rediscovered or the ones that entirely new to me. No regrets? Is that possible? It certainly is. Every single experience, every person, good and bad, that has touched my life is what made me me. A question I asked myself early in recovery is "where is the old me and if and when I find her, will I like her? Took some time but I gotta say that I like me a lot these days.

    Be checking on you later.

    Peace,

    Cat

  25. #25
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    I think....'live in the present' means.

    You do the best you can for the moment. You make the best decisions, choices you are able to.....at this moment. You can't live in the past.....you can't even look to the future.....so you live in now.

    Not every decision or plan or whatever has to be decided right now. You set one goal....getting better.....and when that is accomplished.....you move on. IMHO

  26. #26
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Cat you are a wise lady. You're right I know. I am working on forgiveness. Promise. What you said about the pedestal really hit home with me. You hit the nail on the head about covering things up. Seems like I've been doing that for 20 yrs. And I'm tired of it. It's time for a change. I'm indeed asking myself some of the very questions you mentioned, and I so hear ya on closing shop for needy people. And you know what, I like who you are.

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    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Silverlining I like your thoughts. I wonder if there's another commonality among addicts - obsession with being in control (thinking here of your words "not every decision or plan has to be decided right now." I feel like in the last ten years of using I've been obsessed with "troubleshooting" for lack of a better word every possible outcome of every situation so I won't get blindside by anything. Maybe I am compensating (albeit unknowingly til now) for my lack of control over my addiction? Maybe because of the traumatic circumstances I found myself in I was/am constantly waiting for the "other shoe" to drop and hyper-scared of the potential outcome(s)? Something to think about maybe. Then again maybe it's just part of my own lovely little corner in addiction hell.

  28. #28
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Exactly Gracie!!

    One of the other most important things about this Forum that has helped me (aside from tips to detox) is the sharing of how others, longer in recovery, are getting past the stuff that may have put them in this position in the first place. Life happens for everyone, I understand, but what is the difference for an addict? Other than the apparent scientific fact that we are predisposed to addiction, how did we get here? I mean, we're not stupid--not that addition discriminates! There's some really dumb addicts too

    Some folks begin to use for recreation and others of us got that first prescription for a legitimate medical issue but either way we fell in love and fell hard. It's my opinion that this ties into the control issues we have. We MUST always be in control but mostly we are simply attempting to control everyone else's problems while at the same time we are totally out of control of our own lives. We are so busy "doing" for others that there isn't time to tend to our own sh*t. Enter pills. Oh Boy! A new can of worms. We feel so bad about ourselves for relying upon pills to cope that we begin to be the dumping ground for anyone who needs one. We rise to the occasion because we feel so guilty with ourselves that we accept it, we think we deserve being treated badly and probably deserve the bad things that happen to us. We have no right to stand up for ourselves. We have become broken in the true sense of the word. That in turn spins us a bit more and we justify using to cope. And the circle is perpetual, never stopping until we see that we're not controlling a damn thing and most certainly not ourselves. Time to jump ship.

    Recovery for me eventually was recognizing what all this control had done to me and working on not boarding that ship ever again. Took some time, but once I began to forgive myself and to recognize that I didn't have to be the go-to person for everyone and anyone, it gave me the time to become a little selfish. It's not being selfish, after all, there's no way I'd allow anyone to solve my problems--help me--yes. That means that I have to take care of myself, sometimes with help that makes it a bit easier. I began to do that and miracle of miracles, my own problems began to be fewer. Now, I'm not a genius but I never considered my self an idiot either but this concept was new to me but is pretty simple, right? I just didn't take to time to figure that out until I was clean.

    "The Needy Ones" arrived in numbers at my house yesterday. Suddenly, I had errands. Out the door I went at around 8am. I went to visit a friend (not one of the "Needy Ones" ) and shared a few laughs over a cup of coffee. Next stop, went for a manicure and then a long drive. Damn long day! Whew! Didn't get home until around 5:30. Two "Needy Ones" still here but I was just so tired from my long day that I just needed some food and then to relax. What a nice day I had. Could have been a nightmare. I chose otherwise.

    So, where are you now with your taper? How much are you taking per day? Mind you, I never could taper myself. I am an addict and for me that equals total lack of self discipline so I find this amazing. On the other hand, if you are able to jump ship now and stop picking at that bandaid you'd have a few bad days and be over this. Your decision, just wondering where you're at. Delaying taking that pill....WOW. Good for you!

    Peace,

    Cat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-07-2014 at 06:18 AM.
    Catherine120813 likes this.

  29. #29
    Gracie111 is offline Member
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    Thank you Catherine! I love to read. I'm definitely going to get that book. And I'll check out the website today. Yep, that pedestal is a bad place.

    I had a really bad night. Only 4 hours sleep even though I was sooo tired. Legs were jumping. Feel really out of sorts this morning. Feel like I weigh 2 tons. Hard to move. Man this is gonna bite. I remember this so well from running out of pills early.

    I have to go to the nursing home Tuesday for a planning meeting and to see mom. Thinking of going ct after that. I've already told her I think I'm getting the flu so that I could have a reason for not seeing her for 5 or 6 days. Decided I'll tell her after the fact. I know I could "not" tell her but that wouldn't help me get off that pedestal, and I'm sure I'll have to deal with paws for a while anyway.

    I try to take comfort in the knowledge that at least kicking Percs ct isn't as risky as kicking Xanax ct. I tried that when I decided I wanted off xanax last year. I tried going ct from 3mg a day in the beginning. Bad idea. Inside of 48 hours I was hallucinating. Felt like I was walking on a bed of cotton or trying to walk under water. That's when I called it off and made an appt with the psych (addiction specialty). I had no idea how close I had been to having seizures with that stupid stunt. That one memory is enough to make me a poster child of "just say no to benzos." I've only been free of them for 3 months. Thinking some of what I'm feeling is likely fallout from that.

    Kicking Xanax felt soooo good. Such a sense of accomplishment. That's what gives me strength for kicking Percs. I so want this over and done. I feel like every day my desire grows stronger. Every time I swallow a pill I know I'm swallowing poison. The addiction feels like a heavy blanket. I only take my dose to beat back the w/d symptoms.

    Fighting the craving is so weird. I keep thinking about those hardcore stop smoking commercials with the bully spin. Fighting those cravings/withdrawal symptoms really is like fighting a bully. Trying to fathom this thing logically, from an external perspective is almost like an out of body experience. At no other time have I been so aware of how the body can drive the mind. It's actually a little fascinating, in a mind over matter kind of way.

    I've been working on this post for hours. Feeling like >>>>, I write a little, try to watch tv, come back to the post. lol. Think I'll stop here for now.

    Have a great day everyone.
    Catherine120813 likes this.

  30. #30
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Oh Gracie, I remember a few of those days, a little this, a little that, lie down for 5 minutes, try to exercise a bit... so glad I am out of that place. I have a long road here, but I keep reading Cat's thread and find it remarkable how the "stages" are so predictable, really.

    Just remember that every agonizing minute that goes by is another minute TOWARD FREEDOM and away from the weight of these evil drugs.
    Iluv2smile likes this.

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