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Quitting and terrified to death
  1. #31
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Praying for you still Praying! Hope you can at least chime in soon and let us know how you are. I know you may feel like you're barely able to find a reason to live right now, but WE ALL understand that. And it does get better. All of us supporting you, whether 10 days, 3 weeks, 6 months, or 2 years ahead, we ALL know how you feel and promise that it will pass, just like a flu! I hope you are hanging tough. Being sick for a little while is the best gift you can give your son & husband. There is light to be found in just being free! Hoping to hear from you soon! You got this!!!!
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  2. #32
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Hey guys. Day 2- and i am dying. Sorry I haven't posted all day but in all honesty I just haven't felt like it at all. I have no desire or motivation to do anything!! I feel AWFUL. I even turned off my phone because i just couldn't stand it ringing or wanted to talk to anyone. I am constantly either sweating like a pig, or freezing cold and can't get warm. I moved a little today but barely just to make it to the kitchen for some soup and bathroom. My car is done being repaired from the accident and i couldn't even go pick it up. I will try tomorrow. please tell me i can get through this i am so DONE with these evil things called opiates!!!! also forgot to note i am wide awake and can'tsleep, i had a box of sleepy time tea sitting unopened in the cabinet that i had forgot about thank you for the reminder i am about to make some. will update later

  3. #33
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    also wanted to say thank you all for sticking with me. your words of motivation are truly getting me though. so thank YOU

  4. #34
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Your in the thick of the forest and you are going to find your way out soon. Keep it up stay strong!!! The motivation thing is horrible. Once you feel better you can start getting little things done. Your car can wait a few days.

  5. #35
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Dear Praying,

    You've got quite the fan club going on here. Good for you. I hope you find enough energy to post quick updates. Even one liners will reassure your followers that you're still on board and once these next few days, weeks, months pass it is interesting to go back and read your own thread. When you think you're having a bad day later on, check your thread with yesterday's and today's posts and suddenly you'll realize that your day ain't that bad.

    Sleep. Yeah. The RLS and inability to sleep had always been my downfall. Hot baths and two heating pads (one for each leg) helped tremendously. Sleep. My last cold turkey was 5 years ago and one of the critical differences was that after the first couple of days tossing and turning and crying because I just wanted the relief of a few hours of sleep, I just stopped trying. I wasn't tired and found that in itself amazing. I had been awake for 48 hrs without a wink. How could I not be tired. I should be tired. Finally, I just accepted it. Found some DVDs, old movies on TV that I didn't have to really pay attention to (my attention span was that of a fly during that time!) and tried not to watch the clock. It became a lot easier to just stay awake and accept the 15 minutes of sleep I might rob.

    Stay on board with us. This can be done and you will do it. Day 2 for you? I was a heavy user for about 20 years. On Day 5, it was like an angel arrived and removed almost all of the physical symptoms leaving me fatigued. I was afraid to move in case it would cause some of that physical stuff to kick back up. It didn't. Sleep took a bit of time but after my war of 20 years, I took it in stride and considered this a very small price to pay for sobriety and freedom.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-24-2015 at 12:05 PM.
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  6. #36
    Questions11 is offline Member
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    I've been reading along, you're doing it Praying, im here with you too. Yesterday was my day one, I know the next few days will be tough but I need this to be done for me too.

    Cat, your post just helped me tremendously. Made me happy, seeing day your day 5 was a great step and progress.. Even after so long! Im trying to stay positive while I feel... OK? And hopefully I can stay this positive when I feel worse.

    Keep posting praying, it helps you and it helps us all. It is great is great to see everyone on here being so helpfil.. I need the support too!

  7. #37
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Praying, how are you doing? Time flies once one is clean and sober, but I certainly remember counting the minutes getting there. Get some exercise; take a hot shower (I know you don't want to, but trust me!)

    Hang in there, Catherine

  8. #38
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Just checking in with you today Praying. If this is day 3, you are halfway through the hard physical part. This will go away. I kept telling myself: it's just like having the flu. It will pass, the symptoms will go away. Althought it does feel like you can't live through it at times, you absolutely can. All of these people here rooting for you are proof that there is real, happy life after you become free of that beast that has held you down for so long. As each minute passes, you ARE getting stronger. It doesn't feel like it now, but YOU ARE beating this.

    It's supposed to feel lousy right now, but it won't feel like this for long. Like I said, you are halfway through the physical stuff. Eat what you can, your body needs nutrients to fight this, just like it would if you did have a real flu. The nutrients will give you more energy, even if it's not a noticeable amount of energy, you will feel much worse if you are totally empty. Also, move around as much as you can. I know when people keep saying.... get up and do something...... and you think, hey there's no way, I can barely move! I remember that on days 2-4, I just walked around my house and did like 3 jumping jacks, that is literally ALL I could do in the first few days. But each little step is moving you in the right direction. Hang in there. We are all here praying and rooting for you!

  9. #39
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Hope you are doing okay Praying. No matter how bad you feel, let us know things are okay when you are able to. There are so many people here ready to support you. Even if all you can type is "help me" or "will this ever end?" Reach out for help, and positive energy and support will be sent your way from all of us. You can do this. Sending you lots of love.

  10. #40
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Hey guys. First off let me say Im so sorry for not posting in a while. The reason I haven't come back to post is because I relapsed. I feel terrible. Not only to you guys, the people who are supporting me, but I feel like I let my whole family , including myself down. I am embarrassed, ashamed, and felt I didn't even deserve wonderful people like you who take time out of your day to support me. I feel horrible and like such a complete failure. Im sorry to who I have let down, including myself. I don't expect anyone to stick around on my post after letting you all down but regardless I am officially going to TRY AGAIN this time I MEAN IT! I know. I've said that SO many times, but this time i REALLY mean it. I am SO done! So first let me apologize to everybody who was SO supportive and I wanted to thank you so much. I am going to try this one last time and this time PULL THROUGH. -- I made it to the end of day 2, and thats when I made the mistake. a BIG mistake For all of you who are tempted to relapse take it from me- DONT do it! I am SO mad at myself and just kicking myself in the head for making that one stupid choice- I could of been on day 5 would i not have relapsed!!! It is SO not worth it . At the end of day 2 I was feeling miserable as usual, and basically wanted to die. Well what pushed me into relapsing was hubby and I had a fight. A bad one. It was over something personal >> rather not get into, but needless to say things got way out of hand and I ended up crying crying >>>>>>>>> tears and just felt HORRIBLE. To the point where I started questioning life. Alone, crying, in my bedroom I remembered that I have one last "survivor stash" A stash of a few opiates that I had put back in case of emergency, or in better terms 'running out". BIG MISTAKE. I now realize that in order to completely quit and STAY sober, you must get rid of EVERYTHING! Or it simply will not work. (Insert DUH face here) So basically I am a complete idiot and of course ended up taking the opiates and had enough into today. It was NOT worth it. Im still miserable, in fact even WORSE, I feel like I let myself down including all of you, and not to mention I feel lie I let my son down. Its not worth it. So once again, I am doing this for the LAST time, and it is starting now. Last dose at 11 pm which was approx. 2 hours ago. There are NO more opiates, I had them legally so there are no contacts to worry about, nada. Thats it. Not even a crumb left. So now I have no choice to go through this cold turkey and I am confident that I will be happy about my choice and never put myself through this or in this type of situation ever again when I get to the other side. I will post every day, several times a day. Some days I might only feel like posting once, but I will post everyday. And I will try my best to update you guys very often.

    I sat in my car tonight, crying, realizing that I am at the end of my rope. There is no where left to go. I am at rock bottom NOW. And if nothing changes , I will effect everyones life around me. I could only imagine what I would be putting my son through in the future , and stopped to think what IF my son is an addict like me when he is older, and I couldn't take it. I lost it. I bawled my eyes out and BEGGED God for my son to not turn out to be an addict or have to go through the things I have gone through. EVER. It breaks my heart to even imagine. God forbid! I realized tonight that I am DONE! I want NOTHING more from these evil pills/kratom/drugs/ whatever you want to call it of an evil addiction. I WILL NOT let them rule my life !!! Im done being a slave to these things. DONE. I will just have to suck it up and get over it! A week will not kill me.

    - And I am saying all of this now when I am still on opiates and not truly in the moment of withdrawals. Thats what happens. When your high on opiates, or whatever drug, you get this false sense of security and think you can do anything. And then when you really do try to quit , well thats when the EVIL of the drug comes into play and messes with your mind. I am reminding myself now, and all of you who are wanting to quit, DO NOT GIVE IN WITH WHAT THAT LITTLE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD IS TELLING YOU! NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU ARE FEELING OR HOW TOUGH IT IS, DO NOT GIVE IN TO THOSE EVIL LITTLE THINGS! It is a temporary false sense of "good feeling" Its temporary. Life will go on without them, this is whats best.

    Thank you all for reading my novel, I should stop now. Going to make some dinner and brace myself for the morning. Like i said, I will post more, and am so sorry if I let any of you down. Please know that I was still listening to all of your advice and will continue to go back and read the posts from you guys. I will update when I wake up tomorrow. Goodnight. - Done feeling like a failure. Goodbye, opiates.

  11. #41
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Praying,

    You don't owe anyone an apology. Hunker down and get on with it. I can't even tell you how many times I relapsed both during detox and sometimes weeks or even months after when I thought the coast was clear. This often times is a part of recovery. It happens, unfortunately more often than not. The important thing is that you have recommitted and you've learned a valuable lesson. When those of us further along in recovery say, "this is an all or nothing thing" now you know this is the truth. You will only fail if you stop trying and give up. Never give up. Ever.

    First things first: Let this go but don't forget what it feels like. Cold turkey is a breeze compared to the self beating we give ourselves E V E R Y day. There is brightness on the other side and I can't wait for you to join us!

    Peace,

    Cat
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  12. #42
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Praying the guilt you feel now is a useless emotion. Let it go and learn from your mistakes. When your child does something that is not acceptable behavior you teach them it is has negative outcomes and then in time they learn not to do that as it will not bring anything of pleasure. You don't beat your child up or make them feel horrible but teach them. Teach yourself. Yes as you take pills it is so much easier to say I am not going to take them then when you are actually going thru it. But this is really how you feel....each day read your post and what you wrote over and over. Make a list of all the negative this has brought and why you want to change and read it over and over....carry it with you. Have a list of all the good that is going to come. So much of this is mental after the physical wd. You have to stay strong for you and your family.

    Don't apologize to us we are here for you and really just happy you are sticking to it this time and jumping back on the wagon. We are glad you are back!!!!
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  13. #43
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Well waking up today and again have a pounding headache. Freezing all over. Cant get warm. Its about 75 degrees outside too. As soon as i start to make any sort of movement I'm sweating like a pig. all over heat flashes yuck!! Been about 15 hours since last dose . Will post back later

  14. #44
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you sunshine and catrina ! Im in it for the long haul!

  15. #45
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    So I'm going into 19 hours and don't feel too bad. Still have a nagging headache and sweating / goosebumps but that's all for right now . Trying to keep a positive attitude. Going to take a shower and make something quit for dinner

  16. #46
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Look at it this way- if that relapse showed you your rock bottom, then there is no where to go from here but up. It might have been that one last straw you needed to turn your back on this forever. What is done, is done. And there is nothing you can control about it now. What you CAN control is what happens from this day forward. Remember this feeling- and accept it for what it is. HEALING....... That, you know deep down, is what you want far more than any opiate. I think you have turned a big corner here.....no going back. Come on and join our army of TITANS! No one here is judging you..... ever. That is not what this place is about.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-26-2015 at 10:47 PM. Reason: typos
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  17. #47
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    And one more thing..... during wds, you are going to fight or argue with anyone around you that is not experiencing what you are. It is just the way it is. My hubs took quite the verbal beating from me several nights during the first week, but he and I talked about the way it would go down before hand.If your husband is supportive and really wants you to get well and beat this, talk about it with him. If he (and you) both understand that part of the anger is the loss you are feeling, he will not feel so defensive. My hubs really stepped up to the plate, but not until I offered fair compensation in return. Point really is,someone who is not an addict does not understand the anger and sadness we addcts will feel upon letting go. If you clue him in, he might be able to deal better and create less argument for you to have to deal with. Just sharing what worked for us. Hey, we fought..... we screamed.....but we discussed ahead of time that this would just be part of it. We made a deal. It worked. We haven't fought over anything petty in well better than a week. And that's the first time in years its been so long without meaningless confrontation.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-26-2015 at 11:00 PM. Reason: typo
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  18. #48
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you Mommy- i was hoping you would come back!! We just got done having a talk about what to expect during this next week or so and he is very supportive, I told him that I will be on edge and not to take anything to heart if I do snap. We had a long talk, which I'm surprised I was even able to converse considering in about 20 minutes it will have been 24 hours!! So thank you.

    Oh and also Mommy- I listened to that song "Grace of God" by katy perry you told me about. THANK YOU. It helped me realize ALOT of things and I sat there crying in a church parking lot with it on repeat in my car the night I relapsed. I understood every word- and lie you said, I replaced the word "love" with pills". I love that song and it is helping me get through.. so thank you I also found it kind of ironic, as earlier today my son was watching the "tinker bell" movie, hubby gets on to me because our son is a "real man" haha- but I don't see anything wrong with it i love the movie, and my sons only 2! He also likes it anyways, I realized when the movie ended, there is a song that they play by Natasha Beddingfield its called "Who I AM" and it was like every word was being spoken to me. My jaw was dropped down to the floor, it made me think by the words in the song, that I am ready to "move on" from this ugly opiate addiction and become who I really am supposed to be. I felt like I was meant to truly "hear " that song, and we've watched that movie dozens of times but the difference was I was under the influence and I never truly paid attention to the words. Anyway, I thought we could do a song exchange so you should listen to the song Mommy. Well I'm off to take a bath, once again I smell like a rotten onion YUCK!!! Head is still pounding, sweating but it IS tolerable. Im bracing myself because I know the worse is yet to come. Bring it on. Peace,
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  19. #49
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by praying4hope View Post
    Thank you Mommy- i was hoping you would come back!! We just got done having a talk about what to expect during this next week or so and he is very supportive, I told him that I will be on edge and not to take anything to heart if I do snap. We had a long talk, which I'm surprised I was even able to converse considering in about 20 minutes it will have been 24 hours!! So thank you.

    Oh and also Mommy- I listened to that song "Grace of God" by katy perry you told me about. THANK YOU. It helped me realize ALOT of things and I sat there crying in a church parking lot with it on repeat in my car the night I relapsed. I understood every word- and lie you said, I replaced the word "love" with pills". I love that song and it is helping me get through.. so thank you I also found it kind of ironic, as earlier today my son was watching the "tinker bell" movie, hubby gets on to me because our son is a "real man" haha- but I don't see anything wrong with it i love the movie, and my sons only 2! He also likes it anyways, I realized when the movie ended, there is a song that they play by Natasha Beddingfield its called "Who I AM" and it was like every word was being spoken to me. My jaw was dropped down to the floor, it made me think by the words in the song, that I am ready to "move on" from this ugly opiate addiction and become who I really am supposed to be. I felt like I was meant to truly "hear " that song, and we've watched that movie dozens of times but the difference was I was under the influence and I never truly paid attention to the words. Anyway, I thought we could do a song exchange so you should listen to the song Mommy. Well I'm off to take a bath, once again I smell like a rotten onion YUCK!!! Head is still pounding, sweating but it IS tolerable. Im bracing myself because I know the worse is yet to come. Bring it on. Peace,
    Definitely will listen to the song! My kiddo has Every Single Tinkerbell TV movie recorded on DVR. Just forget us recording an adult series to watch... too many peppa pig episodes taking up the DVR space.
    ...... and I am SUPPOSED to feel sane throughout all of this?!? lol
    Recovering from addiction AND keeping a child happy at the same time is a magical skill, a gift. Let me know when you find it, lol
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  20. #50
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    haha seriously! Its like okay I'm going through all of these withdrawals from addiction while watching Thomas the Train! Awesome. Now I get to have the theme song trapped in my head all day lol .We watch peppa pig a lot too in our house! haha thats so funny thanks for the chuckle. I definietly WILL let you know if i find it, that would be AWESOME, yes please.
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  21. #51
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    [deleted - swearing]
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-27-2015 at 04:14 AM.

  22. #52
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    hmm I don't think I used any swear words in my last post?.. whats that about.

    Anyway. I feel HORRIBLE. I think I got about 3 hours of sleep. Feeling really really drained physically but mentally my mind is racing at about 1000000000 mph. My head is POUNDING!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh i hate this. I am NEVER putting myself through this again, so NOT worth it. Like AT ALL!

  23. #53
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by praying4hope View Post
    hmm I don't think I used any swear words in my last post?.. whats that about.

    Anyway. I feel HORRIBLE. I think I got about 3 hours of sleep. Feeling really really drained physically but mentally my mind is racing at about 1000000000 mph. My head is POUNDING!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh i hate this. I am NEVER putting myself through this again, so NOT worth it. Like AT ALL!
    You're so right..... it's not worth it. I would not wish wds on my worst enemy. But this is the time you learn WHY you don't ever want to step backwards. To NEVER FEEL LIKE THIS AGAIN. To never wake up worried about where your first fix is, to never worry about where the extra money will come from, to never worry about putting your needs before the needs of those you love. Right now, is the time to take care of YOU so that you can be there for them for the rest of your HAPPY LIFE. Hang in there Praying. It does get better. We ALL know how you feel. Just let the bad feelings pass over you, and see them as tests to make your stronger. Every minute you stay clean, you pass. Progress. You can do it!!
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  24. #54
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by praying4hope View Post
    haha seriously! Its like okay I'm going through all of these withdrawals from addiction while watching Thomas the Train! Awesome. Now I get to have the theme song trapped in my head all day lol .We watch peppa pig a lot too in our house! haha thats so funny thanks for the chuckle. I definietly WILL let you know if i find it, that would be AWESOME, yes please.
    Those chuckles over real life experiences, and the yearning for more of them, those are the feeelings that will power you through this battle.
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  25. #55
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I just noticed I got updated to "member" status. From new member, to junior member, to now just a regular ole member. Someone tell me.... how do these levels of graduation work? I like graduating. I would like to know more.

  26. #56
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sadmommy13 View Post
    I just noticed I got updated to "member" status. From new member, to junior member, to now just a regular ole member. Someone tell me.... how do these levels of graduation work? I like graduating. I would like to know more.
    Hey there.

    Once you reach 500 posts, you become a "Senior Member"; 1000 posts: "Advanced Member" and 2000 posts: "Platinum Member". At least that's what I remember from my "graduations"..lol.

    Take care.
    Kat
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  27. #57
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    well its 11 pm and I'm wide awake of course. I literally have slept maybe 3 hours within the last 24 hours. not feeling good at all, all i could do today was cry.. whats that about. Seriously, i feel so emotional and depressed. But I just keep telling myself it is temporary. this too shall pass right? I feel like I am dying can barely type this.. I have changed clothes 7 times today.. soaked through them!@@@@@

  28. #58
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    oh wow, I'm a junior member now. cool;
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  29. #59
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Yep, just keep telling yourself this is temporary. Just as if you had the flu. You will feel bad for a bit, then than physical sickness will pass. Once that fog passes, it will be slightly easier on you. Then, your mental battle will begin, but that will be easier once you get the physical part behind you. Hang tough! You've got this ...... it is all there for the taking!

  30. #60
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Stay strong praying!!! It's hard and you are starting to get into the worst part of it. This will pass!! So much good to come for the future!!

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