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Quitting and terrified to death
  1. #1
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Default Quitting and terrified to death

    Hello all, I am new here and i signed up for the purpose of posting a journal of hoping to become sober. I have read countless past threads and you all seem very caring, and supportive. A little background- When i was 16 I started abusing benadryl (i know, lol) I had never taken any pill, besides an occasional advil/ibuprofen. I wasn't aware at the time that I was an addict, (or atleast not yet) but I noticed that i liked the way the benadryl made me feel at night. It altered my mood, and state of mind, made me feel "warm" and not to mention gave me great sleep. Again, I was 16 and had never tried any form of pill. I always heard my dad saying that addiction runs i the family, and he was a binge drinker but i really thought nothing of it. To make the long story short fast forward a few months I got hooked on oxycodone. I was snorting about 10-20 a day with one of my friends. This happened for about two years. I remember when it hit me that I had a SERIOUS problem when my dealer for the pills told me he was leaving on vacation and I had 5 minutes to be there or he couldn't sell me and my friend the pills. Well, that was about a 20 minute drive and needless to say I FLOORED it going 105 mph trying to make it on time. Ofcourse, i was driving my brand new car that my sweet grandparents had got me. Well I ended up losing control going around a curve of black ice and spun out of control into another set of the highway and backed into a tall steel pole. Neither one of us were wearing seatbelts. The car was totaled. I had then realized I really had a problem. I still kick myself in the head for that accident and for driving so fast, it was a really nice car. Not to mention it breaks my heart thinking about how worried and terrible my grandparents must of felt. We walked away without a scratch. I am rambling on so let me get to the point here, sorry if this is long I just need to vent to somebody who will listen. After 2 years i detoxed in my own room, I had worked my way up to "Roxys" or oxycodone 30's. About 7-10 a day. I went through the cold sweats, the muscle pain the whole schibang, I even got psychosis for a period that to this day i still cannot recall how long that period lasted I was so far out of my mind i didn't even know where i was, but i remember it happening right around the time i quit cold turkey. I would never wish that on anybody, that was the scariest time of my LIFE and i pray to God i don't ever have to go through that again. Anyways, I found this all natural "miracle" natural supplement called kratom from a local head shop about 5 months after being sober. I liked the way it made me feel, kind of like an opiate buzz but less milder, but hey it was legal and i liked it. Fast forward to three years later and I am now on a full -blown kratom addiction habit costing me roughly 300$ plus a week. Im depressed, I'm lazy, haven't showered, not longer have the energy and mood uplift that it once gave me. Not to mention I've lost over 15 pounds because when I wake kratom I don't eat, except for one meal at night. I find that it works best if you have an empty stomach. It didn't start out that way, in the beginning first year I would eat, but now it has completely consumed me. Now I was taking it just to feel normal. Now here is where it gets a little more complicated. So I'm still taking krater at this point, well about a month ago I get in a car accident. (Not my fault this time:roll eyes I was rear ended at a red light in a car i have had a month or less. Still has paper tags on it. Anyway I ended up hurting my neck and back, when i got hit my head hit the steering wheel, my baby was in the backseat also. I got referred to pain management. After several trips back to the doctor for my meds "not working" (tylenol 3, tramadol) he puts me on Norco 10. 30 of them take 1 every 8 hours. I was very excited and thinking "hey, maybe this is my get away, I can drop the kratom all together and ill be able to get off of it taking these Norcos!" maybe I won't have any withdrawals. Well Im sure this post is long enough so thank you to anybody who has made it this far. This is where I'm at today. I ended up taking all 30 Norcos within 7 days and at my checkup appt with my pm doc told him that 1 every 8 hours wasn't cutting it, and he asked if I was already out and I shamefully said yes I was. (BIG MISTAKE!) well he basically called me an addict and told me that young people my age (23) easily get addicted and how I was young and healthy, and said "Thats how you become an ADDICT, Norco is NOT the answer" and how he needs to start weaning me off!! WTH? Keep in mind, i was only on these Norcos for a week. Well He ended up writing a prescription as he was telling me that i was young and basically becoming an addict and i said "Well i deffinatly don't want that to happen to me" (Im thinking that might of been a mistake?) As soon as i said that he looked at me and ripped up whatever he had wrote down on the prescription pad, and ended up giving me a new script for 30 more "Norco 10's. This time 1 every 12 hours. Being in the mind of an addict, I am still haunted and almost tortured by what could of been on that first script. Could it have been oxys? Did I completely mess up and ruin my chance of getting those long desired oxy's by saying I didn't want that to happen to me"? I don't know, i am rambling on but long story short I am an addict. I am embarrassed and feel so ashamed, I have a precious baby boy and a wonderful loving husband, and I just want my life back. I don't even know what it feels like to be sober anymore. I don't even know WHO I am, when not high on opiates/kratom. It has been 24 hours since my last ingestion of kratom, which is a big deal to me but then again its not such a pat on the back since I have been abusing these Norcos. I have taken 27 pills within 24 hours. So here I sit here in bed, at 5:30 in the morning, haven't went to sleep yet. I have approx. 3 Norcos left. And everyone i tell myself "thats the last one" some how my mind always convince me just ONE more. Well yesterday i had 30 pills, and not I'm down to 3. So basically I am going to log this experience, journey, hell whatever it is here. I don't know if I will go through withdrawals, but I've been taking kratom for several years now and have suffered the beginning stages of withdrawals every morning I wake up. So I'm not sure if I lucked out and skipped" if you will, the withdrawals because of the Norocs, or if it will start over. I don't know but needless to say I am TERRIFIED. I know how my brain works. Tomorrow I will wake up, want to take a Norco and look down depressed at only having 2 pills left. And the sad thing is the only reason I even have the energy to post this is because of the Norco. Im sure i won't feel like jambling on and on, sober. Im worried I won't be happy or have energy, be a good mother, etc. I honestly don't know what Im going to do, but I'm scared. How do I feel this good sober? And whats it like? Will I make it? I deffinitly want to quit. But in my brain, its always "tomorrow". Thanks for listening sorry if its all over the place.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-21-2015 at 06:41 AM.

  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Dear Praying,

    You conquered the first step. You have admitted you are an addict. Trust me when I say this: The anticipation of withdrawal is the worst part--all mental. Especially when it isn't our first rodeo. We know exactly what's in store for us. Where is hubby on all this? Does he know the extent? Secrets will tear you apart inside and out. I know this is scary. I've been exactly where you are over the course of almost 20 yrs and I'm 5 yrs sober now. There is no easy way. There are over the counter supplements recommended widely here as the Thomas Recipe and many say they help. I found that list after I had detoxed so the only thing I tried was Melatonin to help sleep. It helped a little.

    Time and determination. Those are the two ingredients. Do this for all the RIGHT reasons--you want to be clean and stay that way. If you are getting clean because of the pressure from family or because you're out of pills--won't work. Trust me on that! I'd be rich if I had a dollar for everytime I used up my entire script long before it was due for a refill and relapsed immediately by finding something on the street. It just doesn't work that way. It has to be a simple fact that you are done! You are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    This so can be done. You said you've been reading threads. There are success stories all over the place here, including me! Get inspired, get excited that this is possible. I too recall the feeling that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I even asked myself, and here on my thread if once clean would I even like myself. The answer is YES! I have my self esteem back. I can look others straight in the eye and that awful guilt/shame thing is gone. I can even openly speak of the fact that I am an addict (that one took a while ). Try to find someone to talk to. You will be amazed how liberating it is to let go of the secret. Finally, call pain management and tell them you are getting clean and to mark your chart NO OPIATES. That's a biggie too and I know the feeling. Stay away from the kratom. That will be hard too because you have such easy access. You have to be all in. Period.

    Keep reading and posting. Great folks in this here neck of the woods.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  3. #3
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hi and welcome. I read every word you wrote. You can have your life back and be a mother and wife to your family. Your baby needs you!!! I don't really know anything about the Kratom and so can't advice you on that. I can only offer you support and know that there are many fighting this battle which can help bring you support. Have you checked in to NA or AA, along with some counseling. Perhaps surrounding yourself with tools will help make it easier.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-21-2015 at 09:30 AM.
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  4. #4
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Hi. I think I remember is was Cat who said in a post somewhere else on the board.. "welcome to the best place on Earth to fall apart and put yourself back together!"

    I am in very early stages of recovery, but I felt compelled to write you for a couple of reasons. One, sunshine1112 posted to you above... I follow her all over the board (I am her stalker . She and I accidentally (or fatefully) jumped off of the pill ride at exactly the same time. So she has been by biggest supporter, understanding what I am going through.... my point is you will make some true friends (although anonymous ones) if you stick around these forums.

    Second, I also have a little girl (she's 3) so my habits began to seem very selfish from mommy's point of view, after years of abusing myself, and robbing me of the moments I should have been REMEMBERING with her. While I'm not a big pop music fan- my daughter and niece love Katy Perry (I can't say I blame them with all of the candy looking dresses she makes). Anyway, I listen to the Katy Perry cd with my daughter all of the time. One day, a few months ago, I really LISTENED to the words in "Grace of God" (also happens to be track #13 on the cd... coincidence that 13 has always been my lucky number? I dunno. Coincidence that the title follows the AA/NA Grace of God serenity prayer? I dunno.) But the words of that song, while they were written about a love break up, I heard them speaking to me about my pill breakup. It was like she had written them for just me. If you are on the fence about how to plan your life's change, I recommend that song for anyone looking to recover from an addiction. Just replace the word "love" will "pill or drug" and the words will speak to you deeply, I think.

    So, after that "awakening" I started reading threads of people here a month or so before I decided "it was time". I found stories of people who were YEARS CLEAN &HAPPY , and then stories of poeple who had lost everything bc they didn't make the jump soon enough. The choice was clear to me then- to stop now or wait for things to get worse, and be forced to stop anyway. I was looking at a fork in the road, same as you are now. And I chose to end the cycle before I let it end me.

    For an addict (no matter the severity of the addiction, I believe), nothing is going to work until the mind has decided that enough is enough. I'm not going to sugar coat something that is not sweet... the physical wds shook me to my core, made me have thoughts I never believed I would. But I truly believed that after the physical symptoms let up, I thought it would be all uphill from there. Not the case.

    Yet I have found that the first week of physical wds (although they seemed almost unbearable at the time) they were nothing compared to the mental battle I have fought since then. The mind is such a powerful tool, but I now see that it is one I can control when I give myself the chance. I guess the input I am trying to make here is: I was TERRIFIED of the physicals wds, but..... I was prepared for them..... I knew they would come, and I knew they would GO..... just like a flu. What I was not prepared for was how much I would have to battle myself to hang on to the strength I gained from the wds. I thought the wds would kill me.... nope. I thought there was NO WAY I'd be able to go about my day without some kind of crutch..... again, nope.

    I surely thought after the physical part ended, I'd be so glad to be free of that that I'd never want to see drugs again in my life. However, my fight truly began, not after I took my last pill, but more so when I realized I was coming out of the fog, and I had to learn how to LIVE again, which I had not been doing for a long time. I would never had made this choice had I not started reading these forums. There is more strength inside of you that you have ever imagined, just keep reading and take it all in. It will touch you to your soul.

    Proof that there is a real HAPPY life after addiction. The amount of time you spend going through physcal wds is nothing compared to the amount of REAL LIFE time you will gain in return. The only requirement being that YOU are READY to end the cycle and start anew,
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  5. #5
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Hey guys- thank you for the warm welcome and all of your supporting words. I was a little uneasy about posting this, to me it is pretty raw and I have never told anyone at al let alone with that much detail about my life, how i feel so thank you, for not judging me. i do WANT to quit. Im so sick of making my self starve until the end of the day just so I can get the most effects of these pills/kratom. Im so sick of constantly watching the clock, worrying about how many I have left, how will I get more, etc. This habit has completely ruined my life. At times we would be so broke from all the money I was spending on this stuff, I would often think "What am I going to do now? I have to go to the pawn shop" It never got that far, I wold always end up getting money from family members, which I will never truly forgive myself for that . I feel like a terrible person, mommy, wife, daughter. And yes, my husband knows, but he is the only one. And he hates it. It makes me sad to know that even though my son is still pretty little and probably (hopefully) doesn't know whats going on, that my family can tell when mommy took her pills/karatom. I magically become happy, cook dinner, sing and dance with my toddler, and my husband knows why. This is the ONLY reason besides just feeling good as to why it was so hard to quit. I felt like it made me a better Mother, a better wife, I was social, happy, and had so much confidence. Without these drugs, I feel naked. Well that was in the past. Now it has just turned me into the opposite, I feel bad for my poor hubby because he is always cleaning the house or cooking, because this stuff has taken over my life and completely paralized me. I am DONE! I hope and pray I can still be super Mom and wife without this stuff, but i honestly don't know what to expect. I don't remember who I am sober.

    Well just waking up and it is 3:30 in the afternoon... brilliant. I feel like a true winner! NOT. Thank God for hubby being home during this. He does return to work in about a week. I ended up taking 2 more Norco last night before going to bed. Some how my addict brain can convince me that "I will start tomorrow and just to finish them all now and get one last good feeling from them" Sometimes I hate my brain. Since being awake I have taken one half of a Norco, and have half left. I don't know what I'm waiting for truly, part of me just wants to down the other half right now and get it over with, its a half. The sad thing I have realized about me is that I am not as strong as some others. I have read threads where some people have the strength to toss their pills down the toilet! Wow, I must say that takes ALOT. And unfortunately, I am just not one of those people. I would rather take them all, one last time. But I am still trying to wake up as I feel like i got hit my a train. Whats new I feel like this every morning or(afternoon) I should say. I really want to be a morning person, anyway sorry if my posts are so long I just want to empty my closet of skeletons, and I will try to make these shorter. Thank you all for your support I really really appreciate it you give me hope. Will post back later.

  6. #6
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    And sunshine- I went to a NA meeting one time several years ago. I never went back, i was about 17. Im sure it would have a lot more meaning now though.

    Mommy- I will have to look up that Katy perry song on youtube, I do like some of her songs.

    Thank you all, so so much.

  7. #7
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    I am so glad you posted again!! I figured from your first post you were sleeping in today. Take the last pill it's a half get it done and over with. Be done with it and don't turn back. Many people here have a nice pill party with what's left doesn't make you any more weak because you could not throw it away. I could never throw good pills away (almost sinful after so long). and was able to taper. You are on your way to a better life. Remember its mental after the wd. Sorry you are not going to be super mom for awhile most likely you can kiss away the cooking, cleaning, and laundry for a bit. It will come back. Plus mommy knows a good smoothie man if you need it....lol..... If your husband really wants you to quit he will be so happy and support you as well. You can post and get tons of support. Mommy and I talk everyday and help keep each other on the course and we will do the same to you. Keep posting on your thread, mommys, mine or anyone else and you will get the support you need to get through this. We will hold your hand thru these post. It's hard but you can take this on!!! It's not impossible... It feels like it is at times but keep the course and one day (still waiting on that day myself) it gets better. It takes time.

    I am so glad you came back..that was allot of pills in one day and honestly you scared me. I say that because I know you have so much to live for as I have two kids of my own.
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  8. #8
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Sunshine- you are so sweet and kind. Thank you. It really DOES make all the world of a difference when you have people supporting you even if you have never met in real life! I don't really have any friends around here, I moved with hubby a year ago and have not really had time to go out and make any. So thank you, so much you really are helping me more than you know. I took your advice and went ahead and just took the last half of the pill that i Have. I said a small prayer asking God to "please let this be my last" and just took it. So far, I am feeling fine, feeling effects of the pill a little and obviously the worse is yet to come. My biggest fear is waking up tomorrow knowing I have nothing left and where to begin. I can't even remember the last time i woke up without taking an opiate / or kratom. I will keep posted. For now, I am trying to get some laundry done while I still can, I think hubby and I are having an allergic reaction to this new gain smelly fabric softener. We itched all night! I will post back soon. Until then, I will mentally be preparing myself. I have informed hubby I took the last and he is on the train with me and more than supportive. Here we go!!... (eyes closed)

  9. #9
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine1112 View Post
    I am so glad you posted again!! I figured from your first post you were sleeping in today. Take the last pill it's a half get it done and over with. Be done with it and don't turn back. Many people here have a nice pill party with what's left doesn't make you any more weak because you could not throw it away. I could never throw good pills away (almost sinful after so long). and was able to taper. You are on your way to a better life. Remember its mental after the wd. Sorry you are not going to be super mom for awhile most likely you can kiss away the cooking, cleaning, and laundry for a bit. It will come back. Plus mommy knows a good smoothie man if you need it....lol..... If your husband really wants you to quit he will be so happy and support you as well. You can post and get tons of support. Mommy and I talk everyday and help keep each other on the course and we will do the same to you. Keep posting on your thread, mommys, mine or anyone else and you will get the support you need to get through this. We will hold your hand thru these post. It's hard but you can take this on!!! It's not impossible... It feels like it is at times but keep the course and one day (still waiting on that day myself) it gets better. It takes time.

    I am so glad you came back..that was allot of pills in one day and honestly you scared me. I say that because I know you have so much to live for as I have two kids of my own.
    LOL at the smoothie man suggestion! I can't yet tell you what supplements do work, but I have quickly learned which ones don't.... or shouldn't, at least, be legal additions at your local nutrition store!

    I have no doubt I would never have had enough faith in myself that I COULD QUIT had I not started reading here on these forums. The friends I have made here gave me a guiding light, HOPE, that I can be happy, be a good mom, and still be free of the Beast! Like I said before, just keep on reading stories here when you think about taking a pill. tart at someone's beginning, and read until present day. You are so much tougher than you think you are, praying! I know I signed up as SADmommy, but now I'm kinda known as The Titan instead. Changing and taking control of your life..... that's the toughest thing anybody could ever do!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-21-2015 at 07:22 PM. Reason: typo
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  10. #10
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Yes, the smoothie man comment made me LOL! I will take one, please Would you mind sharing what has worked for you and what doesn't? >> like to avoid wasting money as I have already wasted enough. Just a brief update: My last dose was at 5:30 pm it is now 7:30 and I can slowly feel an emptiness creeping up- no physical wd symptoms yet but defiantly mental ones. If I think about not having ANY opiates left, I start to spiral down. So Ive been trying to keep myself somewhat busy. Hubby and i are watching a ridiculous show that I don't even know why we were watching it (Snooki & Jwow) but honestly there are some seriously stupid things they do in that show that are pretty funny. It hit me during the show that basically for the past 3-4 + years on opiates I have barely laughed. I guess it is some malfunction in my brain, although it made me feel good I felt like I couldn't physically have a truly good laugh, without sort of faking it or forcing it. Well tonight for the FIRST time in I don't even know how long hubby and I were cracking up at something so stupid but funny happened. I literally had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! I don't think I've EVER laughed so hard to where it brought tears to my eyes. This is a big deal to me. I always wondered why people thought certain things were so funny and I didn't. maybe it has nothing to do with opiates, maybe it does. But I just know that I've been numb for so long, I honestly can't remember the last time I truly laughed. Im trying to avoid thinking about what will happen tomorrow because I know I will feel a lot worse than I do now. Opiate effect starting to wear off. So long, and goodbye for ever feeling like this. I truly hope to regain my laugh back as I (hoping and praying) become sober. Tootles for now , will update later
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-21-2015 at 08:44 PM.

  11. #11
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi praying..
    Just want to suggest to you !do this now..
    Before some dr tells you to go on opiate replacement therapy ( methadone or suboxone).
    If I knew then what I know now when I was in your shoes I would have quit then..
    You can do it..
    Laughing crying feelings those are things we sacrifice for pills..
    It is getting so much harder to get pills many people addicted to Norco/ Oxys are going to herion to avoid being sick..
    It will take a few days but you can take it one day at a time!
    One minute at a time if necessary..
    Mommy and Sunshine are incredible support for you..
    They have helped each other like there were right there together..
    I have been reading their threads and smiling..
    The best gift you can give your husband and child is a healthy mom!

    You may want to write a good bye letter to your pills..
    They become part of our lives and definetly cause an emptiness when gone..
    It is almost like losing a friend..
    You will grieve..
    Just acknowledge it and accept it for what it is..
    A big loss!
    It is usually almost like a job to maintain a pill habit..
    Counting , drs, pharmacies, worring.
    You will have more time on your hands than you know what to do with..
    Stay busy!
    Little successes!

    You don't have to go through this again..
    Do it right this time and you will be done and soon this will be a memory!

    I will check back later
    Iluv2
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  12. #12
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Hello Iluv2, so happy to see and have more support. Thank you. I actually think that is a brilliant idea to write a goodbye letter to the opiates. Maybe when I am feeling very low, I will write and post a goodbye letter. As for right now, I am starting to feel like I am slowly sinking, getting more and more depressed/sad feeling. Still no w/d symptoms yet, it has been almost 4 hours since last opiate. I suppose I will take a shower and make something to eat and try to call it an early night . If i can't sleep, i will post back. Oh, and as for the methadone/suboxone, I have read so many HORROR stories that I will never go there. I am too afraid of getting hooked on those, which I know with my addiction would quickly happen. I am not planning on telling the doctor that I ran out early again in fear of getting yelled at again. Thank you all
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-21-2015 at 10:19 PM.

  13. #13
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Oh, and as for the methadone/suboxone, I have read so many HORROR stories that I will never go there. I am too afraid of getting hooked on those, which I know with my addiction would quickly happen. I am not planning on telling the doctor that I ran out early again in fear of getting yelled at again.

  14. #14
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    With the kratom do you have physical wds or is it all mental? or more like weed? Maybe since you knocked down only one bottle all at once you won't have wd. from the hydros. Read up on the thomas receipe it's posted on the board and if you have wd. perhaps get items on the list to help. There are some vitamins that can help combat anxiety and depression at your local vitamin store.

  15. #15
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    I also think a formal goodbye is necessary, a great suggestion. I had so many emotions over losing what I thought was my best friend, my crutch, that post wd emotion was the part I was unprepared for. I think that is an excellent way to prepare yourself for the grief that will NATURALLY come. But it will also go, it will pass. Just have patience and faith in yourself.... and you'll be such a better mommy! a truly happy mommy, instead of a "fake" mommy, like I was!

  16. #16
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    I wish there were no w/ds. But the amount I was taking and for as long as I have does give bad opiate imitation w/ds. every day I wake up sweating and freezing, restless legs, pupils huge until is take my first 2 doses. Just like any other addiction it has taken more and more of it to chase away the w/ds. I've thought about pills a few times today and had slight cravings, but quickly thought about something else. This time if the night I feel will be the worst for me as I always looked foward to the evening that's when I would take lots and surf the web, in my own world for hours.

    Update: I took a shower, made something to eat and now laying down. I feel very fatigued today. About two hours after my very last dose I started getting really tired. Looks like I am going to tAke advantage of this moment and try to get sleep while I can. Well see what tomorrow brings... Terrified of the unknown.. Tomorrow is where it really all begins. Goodnight all

  17. #17
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Do you have any of the highlands for rls? Vitamins, Thomas receipe items?? Soon you will be able to say 24 hrs!! Then 48 hrs, then you will be counting days, and then weeks. Me mommy are so ready for the lets count months. Try when you can to take a walk. The sun and walking the dog has been invaluable to me. Can't say enough about this. Time will pass slowly these next few hours and days but it does pass!! i don't work so I check the board a few times a day and am around. Mommy is around to....unfortunately she can't skip any more classes but she checks in. We and so many others will be here to offer support. DON'T give up on yourself!!!!

  18. #18
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    How are ya today praying? I went back and read your initial thread post, and I noticed you said you wouldn't want to write as much (or anything) if you weren't buzzed. I just wanted to chime in and say.... even just reading other's posts helps. I can't even tell you how many times I have gone back and read, and re-read, my own thread, from beginning to now, just as a reminder of how far I have come. It is really helpful therapy for me, when sometimes it seems like I have not come far at all. These stories can lift you up and give your mind something to focus on...... a goal.

    In the first few days.... sometimes all I could write was "omg I think I am going to die" Even if that's all you can muster up to type..... do it. Keep a journal here of your progress, so one day when the fog starts to lift, you'll have a reminder of the place you USED to be and NEVER want to go again.

    Sunshine and I are ALMOST to where we can count one month! I'm still going to work, doing chores, taking care of over a dozen pets..... and LAUGHING, for real now. But honestly, this forum and my FRIENDS here have kept me accountable to my goal.... this was MY CHOICE. No doubt it's not been a walk in the park, and I would have fallen off the wagon a couple of times already, but I felt like I would be letting my people here down. You are stronger than you think you are (I totally binged on every single pill I could find in the week before I quit. Heck, I barely remember Christmas! So sad!) Just sayin'.... I wouldn't and couldn't flush anything either. That does not make you weak. Coming here..... makes you very strong. Hang tough! You got this!
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  19. #19
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    You are so correct mommy. If not for this site I woukd have fallen off the wagon as well and fallen flat on my face, in the mud...hard. When the mental gets extremly tough I am like how can I take a pill and let my friends down. I woukd never lie as that's not an option. I depend on mommy and she depends on me so I can't just have a pill party and go away...not an option. We are celebrating a 2 year mark with Dave. So I the only option I give myself is no options. So it keeps you accountable. Maybe were suppose to want to not use for ourselves ans to have a better life..blah..blah..great but it doesn't help me in the moment coming back here and being able to say I stayed strong does.

    Keep posting it seems like so very long ago we started although it really hasn't been but like mommy said being able to look back helps.

  20. #20
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Hey guys. It's almost been 24 hours..23 to be exact. Sorry I haven't posted I've literally done nothing at all today but laid here. I woke up around 2 pm chills,sweating restless legs huge pupils And still having all the effects. I feel like complete #%^%. I have the biggest migraine ever and I have no interest or motivation to do anything. I feel like a zombie and my mind is running a million miles an hour. Keeps trying to go back and think about pills and I have to change the subject. Post back later. I appreciate all of you

  21. #21
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    I also don't have any highlands I've never heard of that. Where can you get it,? The only thing I have is anti diarrhea pills and some somas

  22. #22
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Well it's officially been 24 hours. Trying to keep a good attitude but I don't feel good at all. Every bone in my body is aching, I've literally laid in the same spot all day and haven't moved. I can't even change my sons diaper thank god hubby is here. I feel like I'm dead inside. I can't believe I've only been awake for 4 hours.. That is blowing my mind I feel like I've been awake atleast 12 hours. Really struggling with this .. For right now I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel I have so far to go but I will keep going.

  23. #23
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Did you get any vitamins....multi, minerals? You need to give your body nutrition. What about ensure the drinks for sick people. I drank one everyday so I did not just skip breakfast. You need Gatorade or pedilite and water to keep hydrated. Drink lots of fluid!!! I know it's no fun as then you have to get up for the bathroom. Take hot baths Epsom salt will help as well. The highlands is for the RLS and is at local drug store. Keep taking the Imodium it should help out as well. Keep us posted you are doing great!!!! At least you got some sleep and that's good. Don't know how many somas you have but make sure you space them out so you have enough to get you through next 4 days or so.

    Don't feel bad about what you are not doing. You can't be a good mom or wife on drugs. I know how hard it is and all of us moms have struggled with the same thing not being able to take care of the family, have no energy to play with the kids, making hubby do extra because we can't. You can read mine, mommys we all have said the same thing. You just need to let it go!!!! This is way more important and it all can wait. The house and the chores can wait. Mommy fed her daughter green beans out of the can and its ok. I don't think I cooked a single meal for two weeks straight. Forget about me cleaning the house that did not happen either. Lol.....Mommy deprived her child of her favorite princess shirt. It's ok you will have plenty of time for that when your clean and energy comes back.

    Glad you posted today!!!
    Sadmommy13 likes this.

  24. #24
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Definitely ensure, gatorade or water, vitamin B,liquid immodium as you need it, I drank chicken and stars soup a couple times, drinking it from a cup made it easier to take down. Eat or take in as much as you can handle, and expend/move around as much as you can handle. Take care of you NOW, so you can be there for your family later. This will all pass. Like a flu. You got this.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-22-2015 at 10:20 PM. Reason: typo

  25. #25
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you sunshine & mommy. I would seriously have relapsed by now without you guys . No I don't have any vitamins, wasn't sure if they truly make that much of a difference or not. And I am struggling with money right now. Hubby has been laid off for about 3 months now, should be starting work soon within a week hopefully. I've cried several times today thinking about family, and just little things that I don't even know why I'm crying I feel agitated, aggravated and just awful. Haven't moved all day. I think I've says maybe 2 sentences all day. Praying to make it to the other side. I'm freezing and my head is pounding along with aching body all over. Trying to get up the strength to get in the bath. I smell like an onion
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  26. #26
    praying4hope is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you mommy. Chicken and stars sound delicious right now. Great idea. Will try to get some Gatorade and ensure

  27. #27
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    The vitamins you need are relatively cheap ones. I took vitamin B6 and l-theanine in the morning. I stocked enough valium (use as your somas) for only 2 per day for 5 days. and I used that to help me sleep. Benzos are also hard to get off of, so you don't want to transfer one dependence to another. You have learned your lesson in regards to using something, esp the same thing, every day. so if you have access to soma/benzo use them to get sleep during these first hardest days, then stop using them. After 5-7 days, sleepy time tea (strong) will start doing you some good. All of these OTCs are cheap and available at your local grocery or drugstore.

    I would drink ensure or chicken &stars soup every single time my stomach felt empty. Even tough you may not feel like eating, getting those nutrients in your system will get you up and moving much sooner, which will just expedite this entire process.

    What you are doing for your son right now is more important than any diaper, any meal, any game. What he'll remember is having mommy present for the rest of his life. It's gonna be worth it. Hang tough.
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  28. #28
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Praying, I just wanted to let you know I am reading your thread too, and routing for you. Do get exercise, and take plenty of hot showers. Those were the only things that really helped me. I'll be back (off to get my exercise!)
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  29. #29
    Sadmommy13 is offline Senior Member
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    Just checking n with you today praying. Hope you're hanging in there. We are all really rooting for you. What you are going through right now is temporary. But the benefits you will get from this, the time you will be able to give back to your husband and son, that will be permanent. If you have read anything from the people who survived this and stayed clean, exercise I key. But I remember those first few days I could barely move, everyone said exercise..... and I was like "how? I can barely get up". Move as much as you can, when you can. It is true that the longer you sit around, the longer you will feel like just sitting around. The more you can exercise, even if just walking around the house, the sooner you will feel like moving around. Take it minute by minute. We are all here praying for you, Praying!
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  30. #30
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Keep it up praying you still have a few rough days ahead of you but you can do it!! I am sure you felt better just taking a bath. Maybe change the sheets that will help you feel a little cleaner and get you moving around a bit. Don't stress if you can't move around much, once you get some of the nutrition back into you and not as ill feeling it will be a little easier. It's officially been over 48hrs!!!! If you have an app device mommy downloaded one that keeps track of your clean time and she loves it. This way you can see the seconds, hours, and now days of the HUGE progress your making. Stay strong!!!!!!
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