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Ready to end this battle
  1. #31
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    Uhhh, so frustrated right now, just typed this long response for you TNT and its gone? WEIRD!!

    Either way, I am so glad my assumptions were right and you were feeling well and away having a wonderful time with you family!

    As I notched day 8 in the books and transitioned into Day # 9 I have to say that I believe that the worst of it is behind us! Sleep is the biggest problem only averaging about maybe 5 hours a night. Work was sluggish the first couple days of the week but as it moved along I was able to lock up two major contracts and get started on a few other important projects! I worked 9 hours at my main job and was able to work a second job tonight with children as that has always been one of my passions. I had a nice heart to heart with an 8th grade boy tonight who is dealing with some issues and it felt good to relate to him with emotions. I had a troubled childhood and I love that I can help struggling youth deal with issues and actually feel what they are feeling. Can't say that has been that ways for the last year and a few months on them darn oxys.

    My wife had a rough day at work so when I got home I sat down with her on the couch and we are enjoying a glass of wine and watching my 5 year old daughter play make believe. I love her imagination with her babies!

    Things are on the up and up Miss TNT, hopefully your tears of pain are turning to tears of joy as we regain what is rightfully ours, US! The real US! I am so happy we have been there for each other. We can support each other and anyone else that comes along needing help. There is a post in NEED TO TALK right now with BOSTONLAW. He seems pretty down, I want to focus some efforts on him, he really needs it. Feel free to join in with me.

    Hope you get some sleep tonight! I will be posting daily and looking for yours as well. Lets get to day 30 together! Lets get to day 60 together, Lets get to forever together! WE ARE DOING IT, WE ARE ENDING THE BATTLE, WE ARE ENDING THE CYCLE......buh bye BEAST!

    RJ

  2. #32
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    It's crazy how clear you see things when looking back. I know what you mean about kids - same boat crazy how childhoods can be a big obstacle when dealing with addiction. But when you talk to that boy tonight he knew you really were listening. You really cared - that can be a lifeline you never realize. That boy new someone cared enough to talk with him. That could be very healing for you too. That is amazing I'm so glad your doing that helping others makes you feel good. like I said before it has been hard to find things to be proud of in my life but these 16 (almost 17

  3. #33
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    Tired of the Cycle - I do hope you post again. You are/were doing great. Sorry more people have not chimed in. Sometimes in can get slow around here. I am Hope, Hopes, etc. I have been on the forum under different names a year ago this month with my best clean time of well over 100 days. My thread is "Little Orphan Hope..." started for me by my good friend Cat. Long story. I am on my, oh, gosh, I have lost count what time I am on. My motto is never quit quitting. I am ending Day 13 right now. As this battle ensues, I will tell you, each time gets harder and harder. I used Norco, prescription only, on and off for the last several years. Did not start this roller coaster until I was 47. Obviously, didn't know I had that gene in me. I do.

    You are doing a great job with keeping busy, exercise (very, very important), continued working, and the N/A meeting is the icing on the cake. You, of course, realize, it's all mental from here on out. We all think one can't hurt us. Wrong. So wrong. Take it from a professional "one can't hurt me" type of person. I worry that you have not posted in a couple of days. I feel like you have great potential. . Don't give up on here. The people are wonderful once you get to know them. It's great to give back on here too. It not only helps other people, but it helps you.

    When I first started posting last year, I felt, at times, like Mother Theresa. I from thread to thread to thread with encouragement. By giving encouragement, you are getting encouragement, if that makes sense. We had a group of people that were great. We were all so supportive of each other; alike in many ways; all in the same time frame, etc. Sadly, one by one, dropped out, got banned (do not give your email, fb, or any personal information on here) and just disappeared. There are still a few of us on here that stay. With your positive attitude, maybe you will make a great addition? I can see potential here.

    I think you and Tears in Texas had/have a great rapport/support dialogue going on. I hope that continues.

    I just thought I would stop in, say hi, and hope you give us an update.

  4. #34
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    TNT & Hope,

    Sorry didn't check in yesterday but I worked during the day and the wife and I had a nice dinner out last night followed by a few drinks with some friends. What normally would have been a cab ride home type of night for me turned into me being the designated driver for my wife and some friends. Yes, I had a few glasses of wine at dinner and also a beer at the next two stops but over the course of 6 hours, I had five drinks which is right on pace for not being impaired. Yes I was offered shots and other stronger beverages but I handed them to other friends because being drunk right now is certainly not the place to be. It was nice to have resolve and not get inebriated. The other good news is that I was surrounded by friends that have no part in the opiate circle so there was zero temptation for them.

    This morning I woke up feeling groggy and not wanting roll out of bed. I ended up sleeping great last night with the help of some melatonin and a unsiom. Laid in bed today until 10:30 and went to sleep at 1:00 a.m. I am feeling kind of Blah today. I got up and opened up cards with the kids and we decided we are going to see a movie today.

    In 4 hours I will be done day # 10 and moving on to day # 11. I didn't think I would be saying that with were I was heading at the end of last week but it feels good! I will power through, I have no desire to take the oxy again but I still catch myself thinking about it from time to time, which is normal given my situation. Just looking forward to continuing on this path. Helping others along the way is an added bonus. I hope this finds you all in good spirits and clean.

    RJ

  5. #35
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    RJ - I know exactly of what you say. Day 14 for me, and yes, I am thinking about it too. It's normal. I leave the house a lot so I am not thinking about it. Tomorrow starts my work week, thank goodness. This is a very difficult road. I have been down it countless times. Every time get harder than before. I have not done research as to why. Maybe I don't want to know. As a wise person has stated countless times, and I probably will not quote verbatim (sorry): "Just for today I will not use." I know that it is not the exact quote, but I would have to abandon this post and look it up, and well, I have to go... but I wanted to put it on here. Have a nice day with your family.

  6. #36
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Hi, Tired!

    What a great story. I got a lot of inspiration from it, and your story is very relatable for me.

    The high-test abuse for me came about after a severe disc herniation as well that left my leg entirely numb, but with severe and intense pain that I had never experienced before. I was unable to walk for weeks. I totally get where you were at. I was given 90 10/325's a month, and happily munched my way through them all.

    How is your back pain now?

    I find a lot of relief from xanaflex and the occasional diclofenac for my back pain and spasms.

    Stay strong! You're doing so well, and being the man your family needs.

  7. #37
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    Hmmm - my post disappeared or it posted on someone else's thread. Read davepeerson thread. He says, and I am so sorry not remember the exact quote, something to the effect, do not use, just for today.. It's true.

  8. #38
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    [deleted- swearing]
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-14-2016 at 10:09 PM.

  9. #39
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    I said some powerful stuff in my last message, I did not think I used any swear words, not sure why it got deleted.

    RJ

  10. #40
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    Hey sweet friend - I have missed you the past few days. I think it is good thing to know we are out enjoying life a little. I have posted twice on your thread and it disappears for some reason. I saw it but when checked next time it was gone - not sure if you were able to read. Anyway re-cap I'm feeling better everyday. Still low on energy but sleep still eludes me most nights so that is probably my issue. It's weird that lack of sleep is most people biggest enemy. I guess when our brain is trying to work right again.

    You said something about tears in Texas not being about sadness anymore and I was thinking same thing. I was going to change it but I think I will leave it and just sign with my real name. Which is Kim by the way - I wanted you to see that before I actually used it but that was in my message that was deleted

  11. #41
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    Hello Kim,

    So a little summary of where I am at right now. As I type this I know I will be turning the page from day 11 and moving onward to day 12. I have been dealing with some constant anxiety right now. It is not crazy but it feels like a ball of energy in my chest and stomach. I was diagnosed in early 2003 with GAD and PTSD, was on Paxil from that time until about 2008 when I started my family and decided it was time to stop being strapped to a pill everyday. I learned ways to get through the rough times with techniques outside of medicine. When I was having panic attacks back then, they were the worst, total lose of control, it was scary stuff. I am glad I have not had them in a long time and hoping they don't resume, ever again! I try not to think about it because worrying just make me worry more.

    Sleep has been getting progressively better for me at this point. I think I am going to try and stop taking the unisom tonight and just go with the sleepy time extra and melatonin. Again, I don't want to be strapped into a pill so cutting that off now should be a good decision for me.

    We are going to see my wife's family this weekend which I know will be a major trigger for me. My sis in law always had the hook on the Oxy's and hooked me up numerous times. About a week into the detox, I called her and told her I am done with them. She said great! Just typing this makes me antsy about the situation but I know she supports me and wouldn't offer them to me at this point. Cravings are bad but when I talk about it they come around. Being back in the area I grew up in also presents challenges, but they are ones in which I am willing to tackle. Just need to be strong and not give in.

    Heading to my second NA meeting tonight and am thinking about speaking up this time around. For support and to get it off my chest. Well I need to get dinner made. Still sneezing a good bit, focus is not 100% but I am moving in the right direction. We CAN do this, I WILL end this CYCLE and WIN this BATTLE!

    Turn the page, Walk Away!

    RJ

  12. #42
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    RJ - ok I'm getting so frustrated. I have typed a message to you 3 times and every time it only post first few words. It has done this to several times today. Am I doing something wrong?? I hit the reply button type and hit post quick reply Same way have always done it. Frustrating and I tried to delete them off your thread but won't let me. I will try again
    Rj - so glad to hear from you You are still kicking booty like I knew you would. I know exactly what you are talking about with the anxiety. Especially at the point you are at. You are feeling better physically but mentally real life and daily stress are not making it easy. I freak out about little things that I should not. My son had Valentine party Friday at school - I forgot to pack the strawberries he was suppose to take for everyone in his class. I realized it when party had already started so it was pointless to drive like a crazy lady All day you would have thought I had actually lost my child in China. I cried - I just thought that the whole party was going to cancelled and the class would be mad at my son and he would hate me forever. in reality another Mom brought extra and nobody even noticed. I can look at things logically and know it's not that big of a deal but just that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you can't get rid of no matter what you do. I was just so numb before that people would be sharing something they were going thru and I just had no feelings about it. A lot of good friends thought I just didn't care. I keep telling myself when I am tired - frustrated - feel like I'm not making any progress I just remind myself everyone else goes thru that and it's not all because of withdrawals

    I know it's hard seeing people you know could hook you up or probably even have a pill in their pocket right now but hopefully they know support you. Some people want to drag you back it's great you talked to her and I bet she is proud of you and will respect your decision. Your wife will be with you and her support will help you more now then ever. Just talk to her if you are feeling urges you can do it - You are already preparing so I don't think you will have any problems. It's hard to think we will be having to face these choices everday for the rest of our lives. We will always be addicts just addicts in recovery.
    I feel like I have not made much progress since day 10 or so. I just thought I would be full of energy - and done with it all. Well that's not reality. I just keep looking at my calendar with 20 little check marks and it seems like there should be way more check marks darn it lol. We have gone too far to ever go back and put ourselves and family thru this again. I'm really proud of you and so many people say that you really inspired them - gave encouragement exactly when they needed it. You are a great person - husband - father - and you have so many people supporting you. If you need any support or encouragement you know where to find me sweet friend. I have no doubt about your future and it's going to be amazing - Kim
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-15-2016 at 06:40 PM. Reason: Only posting part

  13. #43
    murph11 is offline New Member
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    RJ, TnT,

    I'm glad you guys found each other on here! I just finished reading your journey, I'm inspired. I have completed 7 days as of 3:00 PM EST today (not that I'm counting)! It makes me glad that I have a crystal ball into my near future because of you guys. I'm going to tell myself that if you can make it for as many days as you have, then I can too.
    I know you have replied to my thread RJ, but anyone else please feel free to read my thread as well. Keep fighting the good fight everyone!

    - Murph

  14. #44
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    Hello world, awful quiet on here tonight!!! Had to travel out of town tonight for work but wanted to take sometime to reach out to my support group and friends on here. It's been a long day with work and then traveling three hours tonight for my meeting. I am staying with some friends for the night and up and at em bright and early tomorrow.

    The NA meeting was great last night and I spoke up for the first time. Met a great supported who is going through the same thing right now and we talked in the phone today for awhile about our similar situations. We know each other but had no clue of each other situations. These opiates know no boundaries, or should I say this addiction knows no boundaries. Kim aka butterfly had some gracious words on her thread today. She is such and inspiration. Day 12 down on 13 and getting better every day. Sleep is still >>>> but I can feel my energy levels and cognitive thinking improving everyday. I can see it in my work and the amount of effort and results taking place.

    The nightmares bad dreams have been reoccurring each night, woke up in a panic about 4 hours in last night almost screaming the words I was saying in my dream. So vivid and all surrounding drug use/situations and violence. Hope these go away soon.

    Good night my friends, keep on keeping on! We can do this!

    Turn the page, walk away!

    RJ

  15. #45
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    RJ - amazing job. You should be so proud of yourself right now. I am hoping the hardest part is over for us . So glad you found a supporter at NA I think having Support, especially from people who are facing the same challenges at the same time can be the key to success I wish I had the nerve to go to a meeting. I live in a pretty small town and people here have a way of finding our weakness and trying to drag us down. I really don't need that drama right now I'm so afraid I would see someone I known - that's silly because they are there for the same reason.
    I am starting to feel my energy SLOWLY coming back and anxiety going away. I know I still have a ways to go but I feel like this horrible craziness of the w/d process is almost over. I still have the cravings often especially when I'm having a rough day. I hope that eases up soon that really adds to my stress. Anyway- once again congrats and awesome job. I know how hard you have worked for this. I know your wife and son are so proud and glad to see the old you coming back. -Kim

  16. #46
    murph11 is offline New Member
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    Hey guys!

    TNT, thank you for the kind words and encouragement on your post for my thread! It really is appreciated. Today at roughly 3:00 PM EST will be 10 days! Its crazy that it seems like forever since I've used, but this is the longest I've ever made it an I'm not even looking back!
    I'm still feeling the nagging aches and pains (much less now). My stomach issues seem to have really toned down as well. My energy levels seem to be pretty low, but I will say that my performance at work has steadily improved. I do feel more clear, and everything seems to be brighter and better! I can't remember who mentioned it before, but I found that it was the same for me; I have been listening to a lot of older music that I used to listen to back in the day and have found it really relaxing!
    RJ, I'm sorry to hear of your anxiety and horrible nightmares! I think it's that part of your brain making things more vivid that have been dulled for so long by the opiates. Your brain is trying to get its bearings again. I hope it passes soon for you!
    TNT, I have shared the same anxiety about going to NA meetings. It's hard when I want to keep this as anonymous and private as possible. I wish that there wasn't such a terrible stigma associated with this... Either way, I'm fighting the good fight, one day at a time and I hope that you both continue on the right course! I can't wait to hear how you guys are doing!
    - Murphy

  17. #47
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    Murph - Amazing job 10 days is huge. Since you made it thru all the chaos to 10 days you have kicked this addiction in the face lol. It's crazy how 10 days can seem like a hundred days. A hundred of the longest most painful days of your life I think for all of us energy is our biggest issue. It is mine. I have seen several people on here make it so far and give up because of lack of energy. I know it doesn't help now but I promise it will come back. You got this Murph - you really do. I can't wait until I see you at 15 days the 30,60,100 then before you know it you will be celebrating a year. Did you even think you could go 10 days - you should be so proud of yourself right now!!!! I know I sure as heck am proud of you!! - Kim

  18. #48
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    Default Triggers galore!!!!!! Ahhhhh!

    So as I mentioned in earlier post we traveled to my wife's families house tonight. Felt great most of the day and then as we were getting ready to leave I felt kind of down. Maybe because I know where we are at is an area that I have been to many times to grab some the pills from Uhhhh

    Well after a 3.5 hour drive I walk into the house and my mother in law is laid up on the couch in a sling. She knows I have back issues and she knows I was taking Meds for it and that's about all she knows. I can see she is a little looping and first thing out of her mouth is oh they have me on that OXYCODONE!!!!! Uhhh, can win here! Went into the bathroom and found myself looking in the medicine closet and thought to myself, what are you doing here RJ? Closed the cabinet before I could even look any further walked out and didn't look back. I came right to the forum to tell this story! I know they are here and now I'm going to have to fight the urge all weekend, needless to say, I wasn't expecting this. Was hoping for a nice weekend away with out having to worry about this >>>>!

    Oh well, I can do this, I am 2 weeks clean, yes 14 days!! On day 15 no way am I gonna throw this away now! Gonna be a struggle but I CAN DO THIS, I CAN WIN THIS BATTLE, I WILL END THE CYCLE!!!

    Turn the page, walk away!

    RJ

  19. #49
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    RJ - I'm so sorry you keep getting temptations. It makes it so much harder to keep it out of your head. I am so flippin happy that you made it 14 days. Can you remember when you started how far away 14 days seemed . I promise it is going to start going a lot better. It seems like I really started feeling better more quickly around that point. You should be so proud of yourself. I know I sure as heck am proud of you. But I never had a doubt you would make it this far. it seems like you might have been a little down or less motivated these a last few days please just keep up the amazing work. You kicked this the super hard way - you had in your hands the pills that could make all the withdrawals go away but you don't use them. There are VERY few people who could do what you did. That shows me what an amazing husband and dad you really are. just know I am thinking about you and I know you are so close to being thru this nightmare. you have come me sooooo far!!! There are quite a few people on here that say how much your story, your encouraging words, and your positive attitude helped them feel reassured they could do this. Hang in there sweet friend and just believe in yourself!!! Kim

  20. #50
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    Hello World!

    Murph, where you been brethren? We want to hear from you!

    Hello Kimmy, my you have been active on these boards as of late! Just encouragement after encouragement! Hope this finds you in great spirits! Me on the other hand have been quite busy with this little mini vacation and not quite as active. No computer so forced to type with my fingers on my phone. Lots of typos, thank god for autocorrect! But enough about me! How are you doing? Day 24 right! Absolutely amazing for you after 9 long years on the subs and the prior junk before that!

    So I have resisted all temptation, even picked up a bottle of about 50 norco to give to my mom in law! Didn't even have the urge to open and look at it!

    Yesterday I was at the garage pretty much all day working on my truck with friends. I was exerting a lot of energy and by the time I got back here, I felt like I got hit by a truck! I was lethargic, tired, down in the dumps. Beat up mentally and physically! It was the worst I have felt in a long time and think it is directly related to the process as I was sweating in my hands and feet. Back was in pain so I popped a 800 ibruprofen, it did the trick somewhat, not like the pinks of blues did but it was sufficient.

    With sleep, I have cut out the unisom two straight nights. I can't seem to sleep past 6:00 am and have been averaging about 5-6 hours a night. But it is uninterrupted sleep for the most part minus the dreams.

    This morning we woke up early and took the kids to go snowboarding and skiing. It was a lot of fun and I got some good runs in alone just me and the mountain on the double black diamonds and it felt great. Really got my blood flowing and was euphoric. It was so awesome watching my daughter tackle her first lift ride and her first ride down the mountain! She did awesome and my son was kicking butt on his snowboard for only his third time .

    Just turned the page on day 16. Sooooo hard to believe how badly I was feeling just two short weeks ago! Onward to day 17!

    I can do this and I will do this. We are taming the beast! END THIS CYCLE I WILL! Win this BATTLE I WILL!

    Turn the page, walk away!

    RJ

  21. #51
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    RJ - so glad to hear good news from ya!!!! Wow snowboarding. Living in the Texas we don't see much snow. If we do its for only a few days. I have always wanted to ski- think I'm too uncoordinated lol. I know what you mean about being dog tired after doing anything. I think right around day 16-19 I really thought my energy would never come back was really getting frustrated. But then every day it seemed to get better little by little. I am so happy for you - it crazy how how long ago it seems we started down this road - seems like years & it's only been 25 days for me 19 for you. I have to say having pills is in your hand has to be brutal - thank goodness you have a strong will to be done with this >>>>. I hope when that day comes and temptation is laid in my lap I can be that strong. I really found that if I get frustrated or having a bad day it helps to come here and chat. Like you said before helping others feel better makes me feel better

  22. #52
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    Hey Kim,

    Just checking in as yesterday was such a whirlwind for me. Went to visit my sister before we left to head home and when the family got in the truck it didn't start! Bought a battery only to find out that it was the starter. Had to get a tie to my buddies shop and we got it fixed. Then I realized that I left my phone in the tow truck, so I had to drive 45 minutes to pick that up before grabbing the family at the in laws and making the 3.5 hour drive home. Talk about stress!!!! What was supposed to be a 4 pm arrival turned into 11 p.m.

    The one thing I noticed was that I took it all in stride excepting the fact that these things happen and sometimes it isn't in our control. On the pills I would have been pissed, freaking out and berms total mess. I don't miss those days!

    I had to travel again tonight again for work for trainings about three hours away. Will be up here for the next two days. Missing my family already. I am in a good place staying with friends family tonight and tomorrow.

    As far as my progress goes, I hit another meeting tonight before I left. They are helpful even just to listen. I am dog tired by the end of the day after work and other obligations before bed. Sleep isn't great but I knocked the unisom off 5 days ago and am down to just 10mg of melatonin and one sleepy time tea bag. Getting about 6 good hours a night. Up at the crack of dawn every morning around 6:30 which is fairly abnormal for me. I find myself bored at times but am just trying to find things to fill the gaps in which I would have turned to the pills. I have been to the movies 2 times in the last 10 days or so and I forgot how much I enjoyed seeing them in the theatre.

    I see our buddy somo got banned, he must have laid some personal information out there in the threads, a big no no!

    How about you, how are you feeling? Things still progressing positively for you? I am 18 days down and on day 19! Getting ready to lay my head down for the night, up and at em early for this training. I hope this finds you well and I hope that MURPH is still out there staying strong.

    Turn the page, walk away!

    RJ

  23. #53
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    Figured I hop on here with another update for day 20. Even though I feel like I'm pretty much talking to myself at this point, it still give me inspiration hoping that someone out there is in the same situation I was in 20 days ago when I made the decision to end this battle, finish off the vicious cycle and be done with the opiates.

    Everyday gets better, sleep isn't 100%, still sweating like crazy in my armpits, anyone have any insight on this, when can I expect that to stop? NA meetings are great outside of this forum. Still sneezing about 10-15 times a day. All little stuff. My mind is much more clear. Exercise and a healthy diet are major factors in my recovery thus far.

    So if you are out there and come across my thread, read it from beginning to end. If you are on here, you recognize that you have a problem. We don't turn to these forums because we are healthy, we do it because we need to, because we have a problem. So many other threads have helped me along this path. Cat, Butterfly, Randy, Okc, Kimmy(tnt), rock, oxyblues, hopes, I could go on and on! These people whether replying to my thread or not have helped me by Reading their stories. Thank you for that.

    The days are brighter and I'm not tied to this >>>>, like I say and have done....Turn the page, walk away!


    RJ
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-23-2016 at 10:58 PM.

  24. #54
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hey!

    Good to see that you're doing so well. Sorry I've been absent recently. I had back surgery a week ago and going in, I really thought I'd have all this down time and would be haunting the boards while stuck on my butt in bed. Turns out I have spend a good deal of time on my butt and I have read some here but I just didn't seem to have it in me to post much, if at all. I'm recovering nicely and hope that by this time next week I can get out of the house! I'm not supposed to drive and my friend and daughter have been keeping me in line. My car keys have grown legs because they know they can't trust me if I'm alone too long because I will venture out even if it's to run into the office. I hate to admit it, but for the most part I'm kinda enjoying the down time. Bored with it, but being lazy is easy sometimes especially when you have a good excuse.

    It seems to be unusually slow around here lately. That sometimes happens. I'm really glad that you are hanging in there and doing all the right things. Keep in touch.

    Peace,

    Cat

  25. #55
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Tired of the cycle. Been there done that. Except mines was just hydros 10. Max i took when i lost control was 3 pills 3 times a day. I quit cause doc said no more and outside doc was very expenssive. It was costing me about 400 a month to get a script. Thats a nice car payment. Lol. So... i quit CT with only Loperamide to help me on the first 2 weeks. That was god sent. But boy was it hell for the first 3 weeks.lololol. I was left with a mental scar that now over rides any cravings. Im about 11 months clean and poke my head in this forum just for memories. But heres the secret to success. YOU have to want to quit. And, time is the cure. Good luck, i csn tell you you will get back to your old self again and everyday is bevones normal again. Heres some other great news, craving go away completely after 6 months. At least for me they did. Goooood luuuucckkkkk!
    Ming23 likes this.

  26. #56
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    Cat,

    I have seen you have been quiet as of late. I have been thinking about you since the surgery. What exactly did you have done with the back? CONGRATS to you for taking this head on with no opiates! Back surgery/issues was my ultimate downfall and led to ny addiction. Clearly my fault but it was the reason I even started taking them. Glad to hear things are getting better for you. People need you on here with your straight forward advice. You were a guide for me through this process! Guess what, in less than 45 minutes I will be 21 DAYS, yes 3 WEEKS free of any opiates! So glad I went this COLD TURKEY route. You supported whatever choice I made even if I choose the subs I had, which I did not and I'm glad I didn't! Thank you so much!

    Crazy frog,

    Thanks for the support and advice! Glad to hear of your 11 months clean. It's true what you say, YOU HAVE TO WANT TO BE FREE OF THESE PILLS. For so long I told my self it was getting bad and wanted to stop but the fear of this process had me scared. To live a normal life, without the pills was scary. That being said I made the decision to stop and followed through 100%! I don't even want the pills. I don't really have many cravings for them. Things get better everyday!

    Heading to another NA meeting tonight. Things are looking bright. Glad to feel again, glad to smell again. Life is greener on the other side.

    Turn the page, walk away!

    RJ

  27. #57
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    123

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    Kimmy(tnt),

    Where are you at sister? I miss you around here! Hope you are well!

    RJ

  28. #58
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    123

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    Hello my friends!

    So 24 days in the books, really looking forward to getting my 30 day tag at NA on Saturday! Things are going quite well. It appears as though the sneezing is starting to subside, think I may have sneezed 1 or two times today. The sweating in my armpits is still not going away but today it seemed as though it is getting much better! I have had some mood swings as of late, noticing that my fuse so to speak has been pretty short.

    One of the things that I always enjoyed doing with my son is cutting his hair, it is a bonding opportunity for him and I. For the past 15 months or so, when I was cutting his hair it was usually in an opiate induced haze. Today was the first times in a long time I cut his hair sober! He and I talked, joked around, it was the way it was meant to be! Also the weather was quite nice today so he and I took the CJ out for a spin without the top to his Lacrosse games, which I also coached very clear headed for the first time!

    Lots of first times in a long time and I wouldn't want it any other way! Things are looking bright, another day on the horizon. Just for today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs. Each day is a blessing and I will live my life as such. Right now my focus is on me and getting myself better. At some point when I reach that state, I will shift my focus to others as I have been very selfish for way to long. I WILL END THIS BATTLE, I WILL END THE CYCLE, I WILL DEFEAT THE BEAST!

    Turn the page, walk away!

    RJ

  29. #59
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

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    Hi RJ,

    Your posts make me smile. I am so proud of you and your one month mile stone just around the corner. You sound wonderful and I can see that you are embracing every facet of being clean. You mentioned a short fuse. I tend to internalize and only rarely lose my temper. When I'm annoyed or angry about something, I can be found in the kitchen taking it out on the pots and pans. I can make throwing spaghetti into the trash a very loud event. Newly clean, one day I totally lost my temper over something probably very insignificant and I thought my family would chit their pants. In the past, I would be falling all over myself to apologize EVEN if I deserved to be angry. I just never have liked that feeling and having outbursts like that just don't come naturally to me. To my surprise, I absolutely loved it! It totally made my day! So good for you on that front too. Responding to your emotions, no matter which one it is, is a healthy thing and what Mother Nature intended for us to do (short of being abusive of course). So, if you feel like crying, do it. It you feel like pitching a fit, do it (just apologize if you over-do ). And the best is laughter! The silly belly laugh until you cry laughter. It's the best high you will ever experience.

    Yes. I've been quiet for the past couple of weeks. I've been reading and trying to keep up with the folks I follow but I haven't posted much at all. I can't say why, it just is what it is. I thought I was going to have trouble with my down time but as it turns out, I kinda like being lazy! I am getting antzy though so like it or not, I'm going to find my car keys which have been safely tucked away by my friend and daughter (they know me well) and I'm going to venture out for a short while tomorrow. At least that's my plan tonight.

    I'm on the mend and doing quite well. I can (and should anyway) sit for only around 15 minutes. From the get-go I've been able to get up and walk around the house but I do begin to feel it after about 1/2 hour. Standing in place, especially at the kitchen counter is probably the worst. Oh so sad, poor Cat. She can't cook or do the dishes. Very sad. Stairs are tough too still. I've been trying to do one flight of stairs a day. I'm just so darned weak and it won't get better until I can get my rear in gear.

    To answer your question, there was one nerve in particular that was impinged in my lower back and I have a couple of compressed discs. They had do remove some bone to take the pressure off of the nerve. The surgery provided instant relief although not total yet. The surgeon warned me that especially because I waited so long to have this done, only time will tell how severely I have damaged that nerve. The numbness may never go away. I'm OK with that. The difference the surgery made is pretty amazing! My follow up appointment is in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, my plan is to get back to the gym (no weights!) sometime this week to get on the treadmill to start to get some strength back. I want to be ready to hit the road with my regular walking route as soon as spring has sprung and there's no way I can do that without working up to it. I live in a very rural town without many sidewalks so it's not like I can walk to the end of the block and back. I have to walk on the shoulder of a fairly busy road for about 1/2 mile before I reach the one stretch of sidewalks in Town. From there, it's a good steep upward walk for another 2 miles or so. Nothing I can navigate at the moment, but I will!

    I see you have started to post to a lot of other people. Good for you! I have always found that paying it forward has become a very important recovery tool for me and likely does me far more good than it does anyone else. So, keep it up. We all have something to share and it's important that we do.

    Have a great week. I know I'll see you around very soon.

    Peace,

    Cat

  30. #60
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    123

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    TNT(Kimmy), it saddens me that I don't here from you. It has been a while since you have been active and it sure is my hope that you are doing okay!

    Cat, I know all to well about permanent nerve damage from disc. Unfortunately for me, after surgery my feeling never came back and my damage is forever. It is amazing how our bodies adjust and create stronger muscles around those that don't function any longer.

    Day 26 is in the books and boy does it feel good. The sweating still hasn't let up in the armpits but I know it will, the question is when! Sneezed 1-2 times today really late in the day.

    I am however seeking some advice from fellow NA members. I have never had any issue with drugs other than the pills. I smoked MJ a little from time to time and it helped in more ways than one specifically with my anxiety issues. It has been about 5 months as I stopped for my new job. Never had a problem stopping, ever. I also enjoy a good night a drinking from time to time. I just don't know that I am 100% behind the concept of all drugs are bad. MJ is decriminalized here and on the verge of full medical approval in the next few months. CBD can really help with chronic pain which I do experience in my back. I have been drug free for these past 26 days but am not sure that the MJ will not ever happen again. I don't want to be a fraud in these meetings but am not sure if I really feel that it has been or will ever be a problem for me. Just really confused about this. MJ has never served as a Gateway and that theory is truly outdated. I hope Randy stops by because I know he can help with this one.

    Thanks for your time everyone, you all have been tremendous and I plan to pay this forward!

    RJ

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